What Is Gossiping?

I define gossip as anything I say that I wouldn't want the person I'm speaking of to know I was talking about. If I'd be embarrassed that they heard me saying it, I think that's gossip. It's something I've been thinking about a lot b/c I've been working on stopping it.

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But even facts can be gossip if it is done in a mean-spirited, behind-the- scenes kind of way, IMO. Right? But like it says below, it can also just be chit chat. Really depends.

I just looked it up:
1. Rumor or talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature.
2. A person who habitually spreads intimate or private rumors or facts.
3. Trivial, chatty talk or writing.
4. A close friend or companion.

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I think gossip is NEGATIVE talk about another person without them being there - whether it is a fact or not.
OMG Susie was so smashed at the holiday party! etc etc etc = gossip
OMG Susie looked so great in that dress she wearing = o.k.

Would you say it to their face = o.k.
No? = gossip

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Telling information that isn't yours to tell. It can be good or it can be bad. It can be fact or it can be rumor. If you are talking about someone else and it is outside or their presence or their knowledge and you haven't been given leave to do so, you are gossiping. The only person that gets a pass on this rule is my husband. He's my confidant, not my gossip buddy.

My dad used to tell me that the most intelligent communicators talk about ideas, the mediocre talk about things, and the least intelligent talk about people. It was his way of steering me away from gossip. I still like that phrase.

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I believe it all comes down to INTENT.

If one is just out spreading manure covered in a cloud of personal 'facts' - that is absolutely wrong.

If one is confused, emotionally hurt, and needs to understand what happened, then seeking someone's advice regarding another individual to come to a better understanding...that is not gossip. That is finding peace and moving on, for me at least. Some people can let go more easily. I usually need to commiserate with some open hearted soul.

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I define gossip as "rumor or report of an intimate nature" -- same as Merriam-Webster.
How do you define it?

There are rumors (your alleged affair) and reports (factual information).
The "rumor" type tends to be hurtful and malicious.
The "report" type tends to be factual in nature.

I don't bother with rumors.
I do bother with facts IF it is pertinent enough and relevant to the particular situation.
If the "gossip" (rumor type) is that Jack and Jill are divorcing January 1st, I probably wouldn't buy them a season pass to the pool for this Christmas.

If the "gossip" (report type) is that Jack and Jill are divorcing January 1st, I would probably go ahead and get separate gifts for them this Christmas.

Lots of "gossip" (rumors and reports) is done behind the victim's backs.
I tend to be proud of the fact that I don't say anything about anyone that I would not (or have not!) said to them directly.

We all need to be careful what we defend, as we may be part of the "rumor-mill" gossip (the rumor type) ourselves, don't you think?

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"a person who habitually reveals personal or sensational facts about others". that is the definition per Websters dictionary. By that definition it says "facts" and I would have to agree. It would be the spreading of facts, now 'rumors'..... thats another question...

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I consider gossip to be saying anything about anyone, that could hurt their feelings, be misconstrued, or damage a reputation or relationship, anything hurtful in nature. To say "__ is graduating college" is not hurtful, it's awesome, so it's not gossip. To say "__ cheated" or "I'm surprised __ is graduating college; she's never been good at testing" would be gossip. It doesn't really matter if it's true or not, it's still gossip, and still poison.
To talk TO the person in question is not gossip. But to talk to others without the very definate and specific plan to intervene would be gossip. What I mean by that? My son telling me something that he's seen that troubles him: he is a child and can't necessarily see the big picture or intervene, but if he tells me, as an adult, we can discuss it and see if there's a course of action to take. If I talk to the parent of a minor, a policeman, a pastor, someone in authority or with responsibility, that is not gossip if it could hurt someone. (Basically, the same rules on telling something that needs to be told, vs. "tattling"). Another gross place I've seen people try to gossip is under the guise of a "prayer request" for someone else, but telling details instead of just saying "__ is having a hard time right now, let's keep her in prayer" or "let's pray for ___ who's been sick. and would anyone like to sign up to bring her family dinner?" Any long story or sordid details more than that, if she's not present, is gossip.

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I see gossip as hearsay, J.. When I know something is true and it's affecting me, then it isn't gossip. I also agree with goingon4boys - exactly what she said, and mumforever. There comes a point when someone won't leave you alone and keeps deep sixing you, that you gotta stop being a pushover, and take up for yourself. Personally, if people doing this kind of stuff leave me alone, I let it go.

D.

Updated

I see gossip as hearsay, J.. When I know something is true and it's affecting me, then it isn't gossip. I also agree with goingon4boys - exactly what she said, and mumforever. There comes a point when someone won't leave you alone and keeps deep sixing you, that you gotta stop being a pushover, and take up for yourself. Personally, if people doing this kind of stuff leave me alone, I let it go.

D.

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gossip is talking about anything that does not directly effect you.

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Anything I say about another person is gossip if it will in any way influence the listener's feelings about the person I'm talking about. This can be a true statement, or a false one. It could be juicy, or dry and factual. For example, even if every one of these comments were true, they could rightly be considered gossip:

'J. is having an affair.' (J., you could tell anyone you wanted this about yourself IF it were true, but that person, turning around and telling someone else, would be gossiping.)

'Sam always arrives late.' (Allowable: Sam called to let us know he'd get here in half an hour, so let's go ahead and eat!)

'Susie thinks she's hot stuff.' (No matter how obvious this may seem, it's not our business what Susie thinks. If we have that opinion, there's no harm keeping it to ourselves. Then others get to form their own opinions of Susie. Some might think she's adorable and humble.)

Even positive information can be interpreted as gossip if it's designed to influence others' feelings. Comments can cause envy or other negative feelings, or not be at all what another person sees or experiences about another person.

'My son gets straight A's on every report card.' (Save this for times when all parents present are bragging up their kids, and preferably not in the child's presence.)

'Bob is the nicest man you could ever hope to meet.' (More accurate: I have really enjoyed knowing Bob. He's always been polite and kind TO ME.)

'You can always trust my brother.' (More accurate: I always trust my brother.)

There are some religious traditions that discourage talking about anyone outside their presence if it includes any opinion of that person or his actions. This is very hard to do, but we can work to keep our observations as objective and non-controversial as possible. Even that's hard to do. I've been working at it for decades, and I know I still slip up.

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Some facts are fiction. That's always what someone should think about before they say something. Someone's truth isn't always fact..sometimes it's stretched a little bit in the wrong places..I always consider the source..Gossip starts the same way as the game telephone..A person might state a fact, but at the end of the line, it is completely unvalidated..

Added..Leelee, yes, facts can be gossip..If someone has a disease or something awful happened to them, and people are telling everyone else about it, that's gossip too. I think that the worst..And those said people are all silent when that person comes in the room. ugh..terrible.

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I was going to say exactly what Lisa C. said! And I don't think just because it is true, means it should be shared....whether it is sad, happy, mean or hurtful, if it isn't about you and only you or yours...think carefully before repeating! AND, if you must repeat...be prepared to back up what you say to the persons face, should it ever come up!

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I think that anything said for no purpose other than it holds entertainment value, is gossip. When I was being abused, my husband would hound me about telling anyone. I was seeking help, support, or needing to vent about a terrible living situation. He was covering his own rear end and not wanting anyone to think ill of him.

To me there are some real gray areas. I have a friend that's been part of my family for years. When I talk with her, my family asks what we talked about. Sometimes the news isn't great. But I don't think she'd be upset that I share because we all know each other. But I suppose that if I find some secret diverse pleasure in telling it, or if she really was embarrassed, it could be gossip.

Then, what about this place? We talk about a LOT of things that would make husbands, mother-in-laws, friends, co-wokers, and kids blush. I've been pondering lately if I should be part of this. I'm glad someone asked about gossiping. I'm definitely going to look for the other thread too.

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i think everyone's definition is SO interesting to read!
i'm pretty simple minded, so to me, i usually just stick to gossip being something i wouldn't say in front of the other person.
that way it's POSITIVE & FACTUAL, y'know for the most part.
but i like other definitions on here too though. good points. :)

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I define gossiping by sharing someone personal business with another. Health info, finances, mariage info, ect.

The hens in the hen house is known information you know? Good point.
If you and I witnessed a neighbor being beaten and we discuss what we saw is that gossiping?
If I witnessed something with a gossiper I would not discuss what I saw with that person because she would problably take my info and turn it inside out for others to hear.

Gossiping is a thin line and I tend to identify a gossiper pretty quickly and leave that person alone.

And yes even facts can be gossiping: for example my mother would call me and say "pray for such & such because XYZ",It took me a minute to realize this women aint doing nothing but gossiping and using the bible to do it!.....So one day she used that line on my sister to gossip about to me I politely texted her and said....

"I wonder what your pastor would say about you gossiping with the same tongue you pray for his people with". Our relationship has not been the same since but she has not called me to gossip to me about anyone either.

UPDATE:
I disagree with the statement that gossiping is not something that you cant say in front of someone, if you are speaking about someone else and their character you are trying to paint a picture weather it is true or false you are gossiping about it. Maturity would be to let others come to their own conclusion, now venting about something that has happened to you does not have to be gossip unless you know that the person you are venting to is a gossiper than YES you are participating in gossip.

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I think of gossiping as the action of passing along something that would be hurtful to the person it is about if they knew it was being talked about.

I think knowing your friends are passing around that you are not feeling well and might need someone to help out is not gossiping, it is a compassionate discussion about a friend.

On the other hand if you were sitting around with a friend and was telling this friend that XXX was getting a divorce because they were sloppy house keepers and wouldn't do anything but take 2-3 naps per day and didn't care if their laundry was growing science experiments, then that would be gossip. It would hurt and humiliate the person it was about to hear that you had said that about them and would not be something that would be uplifting towards that person.

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Gossip is many things combined...

malicious intent - demoralizing a person - slanderous - mean spirited - destructive in nature (meant to belittle another) - vindictive

Say you personally don't like someone or their view point - you take something you THINK is fact and say it is so - with no proof whatsoever - other than what you **THINK** is fact...and talk to other people about it - WITH THE INTENT of making the person look bad, saying "I know for a fact...blah blah blah" - do you really? But others blindly follow and believe...

Just like the scams that get perpetrated via e-mails - people don't STOP AND THINK about what they are forwarding (as people don't STOP and THINK about what they are saying sometimes) - well, I got it from my dad - it's got to be right - right? aaahhh no....forward this e-mail to 10 people and Microsoft will send you a check...someone BELIEVED it. It was WRONG - but they believed it and passed it around...just like gossip.

I do NOT consider telling someone that Greg got a Citizenship award in school, Michele is pregnant (and has announced it) or Annie is now cancer free!!! gossiping - it's not demoralizing, mean or malicious - it is sharing good news...it is not malicious in nature...it is not meant to belittle or demean anyone. It is sharing good news....that's the difference to me.

thanks for posting this thought provoking question!! It's been great to read other people's responses!!

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I think talking about someone (or their business) that is malicious and they are not present to defend or clarify the details (facts) is gossiping.
A.

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I think I am more confused about what gossip is than ever after reading responses! LOL It seems like no matter what, unless your talking about yourself only, your gossiping! I don't think it's all malicious though.

I figure people are going to talk about other people, and that just is the way the world is. Worrying about what people are saying about you can drive you bonkers. Not that I don't let it bother me sometimes.

I figure it's gossiping when you tell others about someone's personal business. For example you tell your friend your husband is cheating on you and then that friend goes and tells their other friends.

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