Gossiping and Its Affects...

I agree with Molly.

Sometimes gossip is 'gossip' and that's rarely a good thing.

But sometimes what others perceive as "gossip" is real people separating fact from fiction and that IS a good thing.

It's not 'gossip' when facts are being discussed.
It's that "added spin" part that makes it add up to "gossip" and that's the difference.

Personally, I'm probably O. of the least gossipy people I know.

My friends and co-workers are well aware that if they want to malign or judge others--don't stop at my house or desk, because I'm just not interested.

Now if it's a matter of protecting a friend FROM a gossiper, I'll take a stand. And I have done just that. On many occasions.

Gossip is at best entertaining. I love to hear people gossip, beceause in the end it comes to bite them in the tail. Give it time, just give it time. Nothing good ever comes from it. I don't say things to people I wouldn't say to their face. Well, at least to my husband :). Not all things are meant to be shared!!

But no, it's not good at all. Childish, non-factual, and just petty.

Years ago, in a staff room, a new employee began speaking negatively about someone who was not in the room. Another person said , firmly but sweetly: "Oh (name), we don't talk about others that way in our building." I've never forgotten how simply one person set the example for all present to follow.

I'll own it... I LOVE gossip.

I grew up traveling... aka rarely where "it" (whatever 'it' was) was happening with old friends, family, etc. To find out what had happened (graduations, first dates, hospital trips, kyaking trips, whatever)... I usually got it 2nd, 3rd, 4th handed. The more people to tell the story, the better, because the more complete the picture (everyone is biased).

I LOVE hearing about people I care about. From them, from others... I love the stories of people's lives.

Moving as often as I do and have, I depend on gossip to survive in new places. About this person, that school, this bakery, oh... that's Mr. Duncan, he's ALWAYS short with people and here's 3 examples, so-and-so cheats measures, this business does this, that business does that. Then there's also old men and war stories and flirtations (I LOVE old men... hint; men gossip FAR more than women do, they just use a different word for it).

I love stories. I love information. I love intel. I love learning. I love finding out about things.

Maliciousness, otoh, is occasionally useful but it's always repugnant. That's different.

Now... I don't give a flying rip about celebrities or people that in no way have any effect on my life or that I don't personally care about. And what I say to one person I'll say to the person's face 99% of the time and be HAPPY to. (there's such a thing as personal security, there are times when passing on info is dangerous and one should NOT tell the person, but that's rare. I mean... I'm a surburban housewife. I know very few people present an immediate threat to life.)

But yeah... if the definition of gossip is talking about someone who is not present... I do that. Intentionally. All the time.

"So how's X doing?"
"Mr. Y was totally snippy with me, I can't figure out what I did."
"Has Z had her baby yet? Oh! Name, weight, eyes, give me the details! How're they doing?"

___________

I have to say though... y'all are right HERE. Why on earth would I ask someone ELSE how you're doing, when all I have to do is ask YOU?

I am so confused about these cryptic posts.

But, that is a clever gossip story, spreading like feathers. I will read to my kids tonight.

Did I say something wrong yesterday? One of my response was reported as inappropriate and thus pulled. Ouch, I was just being myself.

Last night there was a post discussing something sort of similar and I was baffled there too. Nothing was directly said about anyone, but sounds like nasty PM's were sent back and forth.

Oh well, I am not a gossiper at all mainly because my father was a horrible, terrible, divisive gossiper and spread vicious half truths and I saw first hand how that made me and others feel. And he is the biggest Christian on the block.

If my feelings are hurt, I will contact the person directly. Often that person denies what was spread or down plays it completely. If I'm still feeling wounded I would then talk with my husband or close friend who knows the details in an effort to help me sooth my own feelings.

Then as in all of life, move forward.

It does hurt. I tend not to be a part of it. But, YOU know who you are, and if you are a geniunly good person, it shouldnt matter what anyone else says or does. Hold your head high, I always will.

I don't collect gossip so people tend not to tell me anything. Which is just fine with me. :)

I think that there is gossip that is just known gossip. Ya know, the hens in the hen house, no reasonable person takes it seriously. I think it is harmless. I avoid it because it is a waste of time but harmless.

I think it is the gossip that is unfounded accusations that is hurtful. Like my ex starting a rumor that I had an affair and that is why I filed. People who knew me believed it. It wasn't the lie that hurt it was that people who knew me believed it.

I had a neighbor tell me the the husband of another neighbor killed himself. These neighbors were also friends of mine though our parish that I had lost touch with. I felt awful that I allowed that much time go between speaking to them. I didn't believe it because he just isn't a depressed kind of guy though with the economy, who knows, right? Well he is alive and kicking. :)

Even the people who are not being lied about become victims. :(

I would think it would be interesting to have a question asking how do you define gossip. I would define it as anything you put out there as fact that you have never verified at the source.

It is hard to avoid isn't it? I used it to my advantage several years ago (12 years ago?). The person who sat next to me at work could keep confidences. We told each other a few things that bugged us that would be considered gossip if we spread it around. We were so good at keeping these things between the two of us. I told him when I was going through a divorce and asked him not to tell anyone. When it came time that I wanted people to know, I let him know I wanted him to spread the word so I wouldn't have to say anything to anyone and of course he went and told a few people he knew would get the word out. LOL, it was fun to have that sort of control because rarely do you get the privilege. He's probably the smartest most mature person I've known.

I think there's a difference between asking questions about people you know and gossip. To me gossip doesn't serve and purpose of positive intention, and I don't really see the point.

I dislike when people come to tell me the "juicy stuff" about someone else just for the sake of being in other people's business. No one is perfect. We all have times when we say or do things that we aren't proud of. If I wouldn't like people talking about me and my faults or missteps then I don't do it to someone else.

On this forum, I have no idea what people "pm" about. I have messaged people to give and extra compliment on a response or offer people additional help from my own experience that I don't want to write for the whole world to see. I have even reached out to a particular person and sought help from their experience. That turned out to be a lovely connection.

I feel like this forum has become like any other large site. There are all kinds of people with all kinds of opinions. The purpose is to connect with others and share information to help each other. It isn't to get nasty and bash each other, yet it happens because of the sheer number of people who frequent this site.

I don't let gossip bug me. You can't control what people do, think, or say. If you don't participate in it, there's nothing to feel defensive about.

I will be hoesnt enough to say that I used to have a problem with this. I didn't do it maliciously but learned how it got around! My faith is what has REALLY helped me with identifying my bad behavior and stopping it! I have been lately putting my foot down with it with my family. My mom and sister will call me just to get stuff started and I am so proud of myself for standing up to it and being honest with people. It's all about owing your behavior!

I hate gossiping; I only gossip/talk about others (good or bad) with my husband. I don't even think that qualifies as gossip since it goes nowhere beyond the two of us.

I've been at baby showers where the hostess and some of the ladies attending were pregnant and the hostess was commenting to ME (I was also pregnant at the time) about how FAT the other pregnant women looked and how she could NEVER have a belly that big.

I wanted to scream at her: Shut your pig mouth, they ALL bought presents for you and the growing brat in your belly, How dare you bad-mouth these women!!!

I have always kicked myself for not saying anything about that one... Needless to say I have seen men gossiping too and it boils my blood. It's easy to target someone who is not there and cannot defend themselves.

I think we all do it, at some point or another.

Do I do it intentionally, no. Sometimes I catch myself and then feel like an idiot.

I try to keep in line with this theory....I do not say ANYTHING to anyone, about anyone, I would not say to their face.

Because gossip follows a trail. And if I feel like I would have to cover my tracks, that would be lying. and I do not like lying to people. Especially people I know.

You end up looking like a big big dumbo.

Now, I will listen if someone needs to VENT about certain things. And I will sympathize. Cause I have been in that same position, needing to vent about someone to someone.

I try not to interject to much of my own opinion at that point, sometimes I do ok. sometimes I may agree to much with what is being said..Which then crosses a line for me.

I care greatly about the impact of what gossip could do to someone and their ego.

For instance.....When I was around 18, I was a Denny's person. We all would meet up there after work...and drink coffee, smoke cigs...just hang out.

There were TWO groups that would hang. My group was myself and like two other girls....and like 16 guys. Some were military...They were all only JUST FRIENDS.

My husband was in the other group. There was a better ratio to biy and girls in his group.

some of us in each group where kind of friends(my house mate being one of them)...That was the only thing we had in common with each other.

Long story short, I met my husband through our house mate. He was the link between the two groups that was strong.

It turns out they would always make comments about how slutty I must be. they thought I was just a revolving door.

Once we started dating, I never let him live those thing he would say down...Cause he knows the truth now.

the two groups actually fused, stopped hanging at Denny's and have grown up together.....We were lucky to have something positive come out of shitty gossip.

It is not worth hurting some ones feelings, to say stuff behind peoples back. Just say it to their face, where they can defend themselves fairly. That is my take on Gossip.

Wow! Gossiping is not good and I very rarely engage in it. Nothing good ever comes out of it and will generally burn you in the butt. I hardly ever receive PM's so I must not say anything worth responding to. :)

I loved your analogy. Very visual and easy to understand. I'm going to use that here in the office. Thanks!

What a good story...I wouldn't say I'm a gossiper and I do not like gossipy people. If someone tells me something in confidence, I would not repeat it (maybe to my SO) but thats only because I know he wouldn't say anything and we don't have the same circle of friends so even if he did mention to someone (they wouldn't know who he was talking about). I might repeat somethings but not if it's hurtful / pesonal or if its something the person found out about would be mad or upset that I was talking about it.

gossip
[gos-uhp]  
gos·sip
noun

*idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others: the endless gossip about Hollywood stars.

*light, familiar talk or writing.

*Archaic . a friend, especially a W..

*Synonyms
1. small talk, hearsay, palaver, chitchat. Gossip, scandal apply to idle talk and newsmongering about the affairs of others. Gossip is light chat or talk: to trade gossip about the neighbors. Scandal is rumor or general talk that is damaging to reputation; it is usually more or less malicious

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Because most of the time, gossip consists of information that (while it may be true) is damaging to someone's reputation and is about someone's character, I do my very best not to engage in it. It makes me very uncomfortable and it's very unchristian. I try to interject that someone isn't around to defend themselves when someone else starts gossiping. If I can interject something positive to offset the negative to boot, then I will. But my goal is usually to end the gossiping as quickly as possible. Even when it's someone I already dislike.

I wouldn't like it if it were done to me, so I don't do it. And I would hope that someone would try to redirect the conversation and try to stick up for me and set the record straight, so that's what I do. If that means "contributing to gossip" so be it. :-)

Not long ago a co worker stepped into my office to ask me if I knew about another co worker having been diagnosed with cancer, I replied to her that I was not suppose to know if she did not tell me directly. I do not gossip and I am urked by gossipers escp when they do not gossip about their business.

Hi, Cheryl:
Thanks for addressing this activity.
I don't think people realize how damaging gossip really
is.
I have been thrown out of church and a support group because
of gossip. I have also lost something that I worked very hard for
because of gossip.

When people feel like victims, they become perpetrators of harm.
When will folks learn to say how they feel about what a person has
said to them that has hurt their feelings to their face?

Thanks for allowing people to see how destructive gossip is. It separates people from one another and creates outcasts. The outcasts turn to other outcasts and creates a menace to the community in which they are a part
of.

Restorative Practices is about apologizing and reintegrating people back into the community of care. Forgiveness is a part of this process as well.

Just my thoughts.
Look up on the web: www.iirp.edu

D.

OK...here's my take! Yes, I have done it and it has backfired horribly...it was easy to get caught up in something and I learned a lot and have regretted not being stronger.

In that lesson, I have learned to carefully consider what I say and to whom I say it. Is it information this person would want known? Is anyone going to be hurt by me saying it? If it is something I need to share, will this person repeat it? I always make sure I am ready to stand up for what I said. And when I have been "caught", I feel awful...because things are usually taken as much more hurtful than they were meant!

Having a daughter in middle school has shown me (again) just how quickly gossip can spread and how hurtful it can be. That doesn't mean I never ever do it...I'm a girl w/ hormones! If I'm in a snarky mood, I'm sure I have my moments! BUT, I am much more careful w/ what I say and to who! And YES...I always worry if I have said more than I should or if I could hurt someone w/ my words w/out meaning to.

This question was good in that I think it makes us all evaluate ourselves a little...we all need a gut check once in awhile! LOL!

This is one of my all time favorite stories because it is so good at making the point if someone is open to a lesson. It is an old Rabbinic Tale by The Baal Shem Tov, an 18th century mystical rabbi, and Madonna retold it in Mr. Peabodys Apples in a nice picture book.

http://www.amazon.com/Mr-Peabodys-Apples-Madonna/dp/06700...

The names of the characters and where they are change, the imagery and the lesson remains the same. The story reminds us that words must be chosen carefully.

WOW so many answers in such a short time- I am on here sporadically and I like to read the questions people ask and even answer a few because it makes me feel normal! Gossip is interesting because, like others have said, it depends on your definition and on the intention. I had a friend who was going through a divorce which I whole heartedly supported; we had several common acquaintances which also happened to work with her husband. I supported the couple through the divorce and told NOONE. One day the “husband” ran into a mutual friend and when asked about his “wife” he was surprised to learn I had not passed along the information. See this is not my business to spread.
On the flip side my GF just had her baby 6 weeks early. We had other friends who were due at the same time so when asked I talked to them about the baby and shared how well both mother and child are doing.
Keep mindful of what you “spread” and remember we are the example for our children to emulate

Hmmm... And this would be another reason why I try and stay away from pm's on here. I figure it's a public place, we should keep it that way. There is far too much cattiness that goes on here to start developing personal side conversations. I have sent encouragement to people or facts that I thought would help a situation they were in. But it's RARE that I reach out to someone.

Sadly, some would see this and think "Mary's crazy" and that would be gossip. Of course "jane" would keep out the part that Mary was teacher her and what she'll end up doing is gossip. My family is horrible about this between each other. Whenever I'm irritated I go right to the person and say why are you saying this. Now my family hardly ever gossip's about me because I confront them. Maybe I'm just too aggressive in that way, but why not get info from the source instead of spreading lies.

I just find the whole notion of gossip in an online forum to be utterly laughable. How can any of us TRULY know ANYTHING about anyone on here? Unless someone is digging through all my posts, pulling tidbits from here and there and trying to piece them together to TRY to figure out my real-life identity, how can they fact-check?

What a complete waste of time to cybergossip!

In real life, I do HEAR a lot of gossip, but I hate to spread it. My sister can't seem to get through an evening without gossiping about SOMEONE. It is like she and her husband can't be content with me thinking that someone is a good person--they find SOME little piece of information that they just MUST share with me to tarsish the other's image. I don't go through life thinking everything is rainbows and lollipops, but I see no reason to detract from someone's good name--which is actually quite sinful.

When my sister starts in, I try to cut her off before she can actually disclose her juicy tidbit--I'll say, "Sally, I know you might know something about her that gives you a different opinion, but I don't think it is fair for me to judge someone on the basis of someone else's information and experience. I'd rather get to know her and reach my own conclusions, so please keep the information to yourself." I have had to say the same to my MIL on more than one occasion, as she can't stand the fact that I've become very close with her cousin, who is her lifelong rival, and is always trying to find ways to make me think ill of this cousin.