Found Out a Friend Was Saying Bad Things About Me & Family

Next time the "ladies" are all out together. Walk up very nicely say Hello, then look straight at the Gossiper and say so you said this, this and this about my family. Now I'd like to respond and also let everyone else know she's said thing regarding them. Sounds like this girl is stuck in HS, and it's time some Adult let her know that this kind of behavior won't be taken lightly anymore and she needs to grow up. It will also start the other women questioning her so called behavior. You may even get a few apologizes, sounds like this chick is one of the Mean Housewifes.

I agree with grandma T the real friends will come around and those that don't there aren't real freinds, Ask the friend that is more important to you what happened honestly, and do it over the phone, people feel braver and can be more open when not face to face, and just listen don't be defensive, and if you really want to fix it then ask how you can make "X" better. If not you can always find better friends, trust me I have been there with a ring leader and the followers and they came around but I didn't push I did my own thing and true freinds saw through the group cloud. I hope things get better soon, I know it is hard.

Have a book in your purse when you run into them and their kids in public venues. If the kids want to play let your daughter go play and you plant yourself and read, no one says you have to go over and be social other than a "hi and little Janie looks like she's gonna hook up for a few so I guess I'll get a couple of chapters in while they play, nice seeing you guys."
You've gotten your information through the gossip trail, right? You dont like to partake in the gossip (a good thing, not a bad thing). If things were said about you that are untrue the truth by you and your husbands action will out weigh the rumors eventually. They are catty bitches obviously, you already know that. Scrape the dirt off of your feet and leave it go. Some one else will get hurt in the same way eventually and you'll run into her at the grocery store and she'll let you know about it probably. Then you can say "yeah, I try to stay out of that circle just because of those reasons from past experience.."
The kids are kids, they will outgrow each other as well, this is a very temporary situation.
Let this also be a learning experience on what you share with neighbors .... some neighbors are only going to be neighbors and never be an actual "friend". Guard your private life, there are only a few that are special enough to hear that info if any at all.

I know this woman. I was friends with her as well until I got ousted from the group also. I didn't know your friend in the literal sense but I once had a friend that was exactly like her who ended up doing the exact same thing to me with our SAHM clique. I have to say, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I don't know why everyone turned their back on me like they did -- it was pretty cold hearted -- but I suspect it was because, although I was friendly with them and our kids played together, I wasn't entirely like them. I didn't make caustic remarks behind other people's backs and, when they did that, I either wouldn't participate or would try to reason with them so that they could hopefully see a different perspective. I don't think they wanted that type of friend.

After I stopped being friends with these "frienemies", I eventually did meet some new friends who are really, really fantastic. No more mean comments. No more surliness. They are really lovely people who I am proud to hang out with and I know that I can count on them to give me a benefit of a doubt if I am having an off day or if I make a comment and it doesn't come out right because they are compassionate and mature.

Anyway, it took a while to release the anger that I had at these old friends, which was not good because, all that stored up anger got internalized and made me sick. I'm not suggesting that you go and lash out at your old friends (remember: it's never wise to pick a fight with a dog that is meaner than you, and I suspect that your old friends are meaner than you), but if you can just take an honest look at them and realize that they are just not your cup of tea and visa-versa, hopefully you can move on and form new friendships with less toxic people.

Sorry this happened to you. Mean people suck but there's a lesson to be learned from this. It's always good to be discerning about the people that you choose to allow into your life may just be one of them.

Take care.

I would call her out on it in front of all the other women. I would be sure to make a point of mentioning that it seems I have become the target of your gossip and inform the other ladies that very often it was their families that were the target. I feel that when everyone hears out loud what they all may be thinking, about this women, they will agree with you. If not fine. I would not try to mend a friendship like that and you should consider yourself lucky to be rid of the witch.

Hi 3My2Girls,
I have also experienced something similar. Some thoughts:
1. Stay above the fray. That is, stay big, and don't stoop to her level. Always be true to your good and kind nature.
2. Now, because your children are friends, there is another consideration. I would still do #1, but I would talk to her that you regrettably heard a rumor that she said some unkind things about your oldest child. You are sure it is not true, but needed to share it with her, out of respect for her because you know she would not talk badly about another child....

3. Thus, you stay true to you, but you defend your child. Your children will experience you as a "big" person...

HTH. Jilly

They are everywhere! Very frustrating isn't it since we should be done with this. Also, makes you realize bullying isn't going to stop because it STARTS with parents like these. I hear these same type of women complain about the exclusions, the mean girls, bullying etc. It doesn't take Sherlock to figure where it comes from! I'd say don't let it bother you, if someone mentions the gossip, say it isn't true but not something you want to talk about it and change the subject. I would give this women NONE of my energy or time (good or bad). Say nothing good or bad. Also, it can seem their are a lot of people like this but there aren't. They seem to take up more space in this world and you just have to be patient to find the gems ;-)

Once you've been the victim of gossip and feel the full force of betrayal, you'll never want to participate again. We've all had a friend that seemed to have the inside track on everyone's life (I'm thinking of one that was in my life)...and hey, it was kind of interesting. Ultimately, you learn that this is the kind of person that delights in other people's woes and flaws - or just enjoys the exhilaration of passing questionable information on to others. Yuck. If you run into one of these types again, just say, "hey, I'm not really interested in talking about other people". Here is what I would do with the current situation:
1. The #1 problem is that your little girl wants to continue to play with her friend and I would allow this, although I'd let the other side do most of the contacting, (Sometimes say yes to your daughter as she asks every day, but also divert her to other things or friends on many days.)
2. Confront your friend privately. Tell her calmly that it has gotten back to you that she is saying "x". Tell her you have not involved your daughter and intend to allow her to continue to play with her daughter. Tell her you will be courteous in any interchanges but as far as you're concerned there is no foundation for a friendship between the 2 of you going forward as friendship depends on trust. If she acts defensive, just say, you know I'm really not interested in your defense. It was unkind and kindness is pretty high on my values list so I think it's best that I move on.
3. Pick the women you want to continue to associate with. Invite them on a play date or field trip with the kids or over to your house for a picnic. I can tell you from personal experience that more than half of them ultimately won't work out as friends either but you can't let yourself get isolated over this so plan some way to start narrowing in on who your friends actually are. If anyone asks about the other woman simply say Yeah, we had a bit of a falling out. No other comment is necessary.

Remember in that group of women, there are some just like the ringleader who are actively passing information, there are some that haven't learned the destruction of malicious gossip who are still tuning in for soap opera-like updates on other people's lives, there are some that aren't necessarily keen on any of it but just want to be "in" so they put up with it and there are some actively looking for a better way to have a social network. You want to find the ones in the 4th category. Don't get isolated, don't dismiss the whole group over the actions of some and the complacency of others because there are a few, a handful of them, that are just as disgusted as you are. And you deserve to have friends. Good luck!

I ahve to agree with Grandma T - be prepared to be busy when you come in to contact with these women. Unfortunately they do exist - they were probably the mean girls in HS and have never grown up. I also have a neighbor like that - who was good friends in and out of each other's home, etc. Kids grow up quickly and before you know it they are making friends at school with kids out of the immediate neighborhood and you won't find yourself in the midst of this weird situation much longer. Also consider going to a different park/playground to avoid the situation.

Confronting a person like this won't help the situation. She'll deny everything and when you walk away she'll say more awful stuff. The truth always comes out eventually - hold your head high and be the bigger person - and always present a pleasant and cheerful demeanor. Don't stoop to her miserableness.

It's sad when adults act like children - but for some it goes on forever. There are adolescents in nursing homes too.

I personally agree with Grandma T. In my opinion this is the most adult way to handle the situation and set an example for your children. There's already a rift there, do you really think confrontation will help in any way? I don't blame you for wanting to act on it, I just don't think it will get you anywhere. Not worth your time and energy!

I chuckled a little bit when I read this because I have SO been in that situation before! I had a group of ladies that were all friends. Me included in this.
Then one day I stopped hearing from all of them. And If i do run in to them they give me that dirty up & down look. Like lil high school girls do haha
Ya know what...I just said F%$# Em. If they were going to act that immature than I would not feel bad not having them in my life.
They're not worth it.
Like someone else has said, let your kids play and thats it. Just because your kids get along doesn't mean you have to.

The saying goes "Good Roads, Good Weather"
in other words if you are pressured into talking to them, make it all HAppy happy happy, EVerything is GREAT, and do not talk about anything personal.

Generally, when I hear people talk nasty about other people I know, my first thought is, "Wow, then what are you saying about ME when my back is turned?"

Confronting her might cause her some temporary discomfort and embarrassment {especially if her group hears about it}, and you might even get an apology. But in no time at all, she'll be right back at it. These people rarely change, and they are good at finding an audience. So it depends on what you ultimately want out of confronting her that would determine whether or not it would be worth your trouble.

Another thing to consider...gossipers often raise gossipers. If your children continue to play with hers, it's very likely that they will end up on the receiving end of gossip themselves, especially if they hear their mother saying ugly things about your family. Children want above all else to feel acceptance from their parents, so any ugly thing they hear from their mother about your children is almost certain to be passed along, to yours or others. As we all know, children seldom misquote their parents...they can usually recite word for word exactly what we shouldn't have said!

I'm sorry you and your family have been the victim of this kind of behavior. It's never fun to feel betrayed, especially when your children have been targets. Hopefully you {and they} can find friends that are more worthy of your time and loyalty.

Hugs, I'm so sorry!! I've been in a similar situation. No advice, just sympathy. You'll never regret being the bigger person and doing the right thing (which is sounds like you are) regardless of how they act.

Man, I've been there. Not fun. This gossiping woman is probably the one causing the rift. You did nothing wrong and it's bound to happen to these other ladies in the group at some time or another. I like what the other post said, just read a book when your daughter is playing. It's too bad for your children who lost playmates. If you step back from these relationships, one, they'll stop having things to talk about, two, your "real" friends may see her ways and miss your friendship and things will be restored. I think I'd rather be your friend than this gossiping lady's. They can't see that yet because of her mouth but when the dust settles because you're no longer in the picture, you'll be able to see who your "real" friends are. I wish you the best. Good luck!

Hi,

I am sorry this is happening to you and your family. I have two suggestions.

1. You can ignore the behavior and avoid being around any of them. when they ask why, you say you are tired of catty, childish gossip and you don't want a part of it. especially since your family is the one being talked about.

2. you can confront the accuser head on- when they are in their circle,walk up and confront the accuser and tell her you know the things she has said and say them--dispell the myths and say if she has some question about you or your family in the future, she should come to you--- they aren't 10 years old anymore-its time to grow up and be an adult. tell her she should have really learned all of this in elementary school- you are suprised she is so immature.

I would do one of those two things. The people who are your "real" friends will show and those who are fake will show up like flies on fly paper. Best wishes and good luck!

M

My daughter is currently dealing with this in 2nd grade. School's these days call it bullying and the offending girl gets a week's detention and has to write apology notes.

My advice to her was that her "friend," the mean girl, probably won't change. I told her to be nice to her, but not to try too hard to be friends with her because she probably won't outgrow it. This girl was picking on my daughter, who was the "new girl" at the beginning of the school year and another girl who entered the school in the late Fall. She either outright lied or took things out of context to have power over the girls and to keep "her friends" from becoming friends with the new kids - probably out of fear of losing them to the new kids. What got her detention was saying to my daughter and this other girl "I wish you were dead". Second graders haven't quite developed the skills of grownups.

But as I told my daughter, the woman you're dealing with won't change either, and isn't worth your time. She gossips to fill some void in her life, and she spreads rumors and lies to try to keep people as "her friends". The positive part that came out of the whole experience with my daughter is that my daughter learned she had the support of the other girls in the class (now that half the year has passed and they've gotten to know her instead of the bully's lies about her). They told her yes, XXX is mean. The girls haven't stopped being friends with the mean girl, but they see my daughter for who she is, not the mean girl's lies about her. I'm sure there will still be times on the playground where they have to choose who to play with, and those won't all go my daughter's way.

So, stick to your guns, don't stoop to her level. I would try to get together with the other mom's and kids. Try contacting them individually to set up a playground (neutral) playdate, not as a group. If the mom tries to give you the brush-off with a too-busy excuse, right then try to ask for a future date when she doesn't have something going on. If she again stalls, try to ask plainly that if there has ever been a time you have done anything to upset or offend her to please tell you about it. Tell her our children are friends and for their sake, at least, you would like the chance to clear the air. Tell her you really have no idea why it seems you are getting the brush-off from some of the moms lately and that you thought you were all friends. Make sure you don't single any person out, don't turn it into a gossiping session. Hopefully you will get some feedback. If you're not getting any, try one more time saying, I really regret the loss of our friendship, I truly have no idea what I may have said, done, or not done, but I thought we were friends and then things started getting weird. I hope for the sake of our past friendship you'll at least let me know why things changed. If there is one mom worth being friends with, she'll "hear" your words, even if she doesn't have the guts to act on them at the time. But making an attempt at clearing the air and addressing the situation maturely, will hopefully wake up the little part of her that liked you in the first place and you may start having an ally when you bump into the group (even if she doesn't speak out). OR, maybe the whole group are a bunch of catty bitches and it's better just to cut your losses now :) I would do nothing with the information that so-and-so has gossiped about every single member of the group, unless things get really ugly.

Also, the gossip may have assumed you agreed with everything she said about people if you didn't argue or dispute her when she gossiped to you. So, she may have "thrown you under the bus", if she got caught spreading a vicious rumor, and either said she heard it from you or that you agreed with her.

I think you really feel mad and would like to confront this person.
If you do decide to confront her plan ahead what you are going to say.
I would personally confront this gossip mongul and tell her: "If you want to get off on spreading rumors about me and my family, obviously I can't stop you. I just wish you would not make fun of kids or act out on them if they like each other and would like to spend time together." This just makes it clear that you are the adult and she is a child. BTW this works wonders if you do it in front of a group of her friends.
I know believing that you will know who your true friends are and that this is not worth your negative energy is all peaches and cream.
But if you are like me you would like to seek closure, or at least make them feel a little bad about what they are doing.

BTW: If you are feeling particularly bold you can add to the other friends: If you all think you have never been in my place being talked about by the gossip queen - think again. <---- or something along those lines.

I hope the kids don't end up hurt in this situation that would be my priority in all this.

Stop avoiding it and call the person on it. It's bad enough that the kids are mixed up in this, plus you will have to see them and interact on some level. This way you get to clear your chest and the other person if they can tell you to your face what all the drama was about.