What Do I Do When Im Not in Love with My Husband Anymore

T.,
There are many reasons for us to stay married and reasons for us to not stay married. If you are feeling this way and he doesn't know about it. Then you need to talk to him first. Go to counseling and work to solve the issues. If it is something that he is aware of then it's not fair to stay if you don't love him the same way he loves you. You will be making a really tough decision, but you will have to weigh all the options first. At least the kids are grown, that is a plus. I have been married for 21 years and things have not always been good, but I do know that I love him and through the thick and thin of it we have held it together. You must talk, communication is key. Don't blind side him if he is not aware.
Good luck!

I'm so sorry to hear your decision...I didn't read the advice you got...but I hope you don't mind my 2 cents. Love is an emotion. A vow is a promise. Emotions change. Promises don't. Love that changes to indifference or worse can be reversed, it really is up to the person who is having the emotion to be loving or not. If you aren't feeling love its because you probably gave up being loving. I guess if you chose to leave you no longer care whether you hurt him or not, but I wouldn't expect better elsewhere to last unless you choose to keep promises in the future. The first commitment you made was not until death do we part or until the kids leave and I fall out of love. It was for life, sickness and health: to him, not your kids.

Remember that love isn't just a feeling, it's an action. You have to work at love every day. You have to do things that show love. I would suggest you do things that show love. Your feelings will follow. You have to lead your heart. Do things for your husband that show him you love him. Remember, you married this man and made COMMITMENTS and VOWS to him. You vowed to love him through sickness and health, richer or poorer, better or worse. You would be hurting him by leaving him. Especially when the only reason you have for leaving him is that you don't love him anymore. I don't think that's a very good reason. Like I said, love is an action, not just a feeling. Do things that show love and your feelings will follow.

Hi T.,

Laura said it beautifully. A commitment is not based on feelings. A commitment is based on following through with a vow made. I'm sorry to hear that you are unhappy in your situation but happiness is also a choice.

I think I echo another poster who basically said, "No matter where you go, there you are." Having been divorced once, I can say that it is HORRIBLE. (And I was lucky to have a very *uncomplicated* divorce.) Also, after my divorce I did a lot of study and realized there were many things that were squarely on MY plate. Had I not done the study, the next relationship I entered would have suffered from the same problems.
Yes, there are plenty of fish in the sea but if you use the same bait (you) and same spices (your behavior) they're all gonna taste the same! Since you want something different, I'd suggest changing those two things BEFORE you throw the fish you have back since fishing is an inherently wait-intensive activity. ;-D
If on the other hand, you're making him miserable, maybe you put the question to him. Does he want you to leave or does he want to work on it? If he would *get hurt by your leaving,* he might be willing to make some changes together to make something special for both of you.
Obviously, I'm on the side of making it work. However, there are some folks who are just better off by themselves. However, that, too, has it's pitfalls. I think older people especially who want to be on their own and get a divorce to have their own way, tend to have an increasingly tough time with any kind of compromise. This seems to interfere with other relationships (other family members and friends). Yes, they have sole ownership of the remote control but they also spend almost every evening with it *solely.* :-( This may not be you or anyone you know but I know a few like this.
Best wishes for happiness for you & your family.
:-)

Hi T. - I dont know your situation and so I cant really say whether you should stay or not. I really appreciate Laura's input and hope you take it to heart.

I encourage you to take a look back at what happened in your relationship to snuff out your desire for him. I dont get the idea that he is abusive or anything, just inattentive. Give him and your marriage a chance and find someone who can help you work through your issues.

Hi T., First I want to say sorry you feel the way you do. I've been there. Don't think because your kids are grown that if you leave your your husband that your kids will not be affected because they are grown. My best friend left her husband after her two kids were grown, and now they barley have anything to do with her. One of my oldest sisters left he husband/family she had 2 almost grown daughters and a 10 year old son whom she took with her, he kids didn't talk to her for 3 years. Wife's become unhappy in their marriages very easily, but what I told my sister, which didn't do any good is that you don't rectify your own unhappyness
by making someone else unhappy, that's selfish. You need to be open with your husband about how you feel, and why you feel that way. True love, the real thing doesn't die, we as humans give up, we stop nurturing the marriage, we stop putting into it the things we once did. "Love never fails" people do. You need to re discover why you feel in love with him in the first place, you need to spice up your intimacy, you need to do all the things you can do to put the fire back, trust me it's fun. my husband and I will have been married 29 years in June, but 16 years ago I told him I didn't love him anymore, the most hurtful words that ever came out of my mouth, our 3 kids were the main reason I stayed. Us working through it, set the greatest example for our children of strength and faithfulness, and perserverenace.
Had either one of us left, we would have robbed ourselves each other and our 3 children of what we have today. If you want tomorrow to be a better day in your marriage, then do something different today. Through a church my husband and I have went to many marriage classes and worksshops but together from other couples who have weathered the marital storms, not councelors, or shrinks, couple just like you and us. If you would like to talk further you can send me a personal message, or e-mail me at ____@____.com J. L.

Dear T.,

A lot of good answers so far, about the difference between commitment to marriage, and feelings. There are a lot of different opinions out there about what marriage should be based on. Some call a loveless marriage "living a lie". Others call it keeping a promise. (to the spouse, to society, to God etc)
I personally, think that friendship is strong enough reason to be married, although I like other reasons too. Really loyal friends are hard to find and keep in this world..I would be hesitant to dump one.
It may hurt you husband if you leave but would he also be hurt if he just found out how you feel? I am sensing the communication between both of you is not so strong. Maybe you can start there and rediscover something good. But if not, then you both know where you stand.

Maybe it is time you change. Try showing respect instead of taking the easy way out.

Hey you take care and you will find happiness:) sometimes people do fall out of love for various reasons people grow ,people change and that is not a bad thing it just happens to some people, and some people will stay because of the marriage vows or for what ever reason??life is way to short to be in a life that they are not happy nor being themselves ..you owe it to yourself to be happy and you never know maybe you and your spouse could be best friends someday?? Goodluck with your new life and be Happy?♥ oh and I am not from Chicago I am from Red Deer Alberta,Cananda..cannot seem to add that to my profile??

My parents divorced shortly after my younger brother graduated from high school. We were oblivious to their problems but apparently the love had been gone for a while and they stayed together for us. My mother tried to keep it together but my father was ready to move on. Now 15+ years after getting divorced they are both much happier than I remember them ever being. My father has remarried and is living a retirement lifestyle that my mother would NEVER have been happy with and my mother is happily single and enjoying her freedom and independence.

I'm not advocating divorce, but if it's over you can both move on and find happiness again.

Best of luck,
K.

Sometimes when we first fall in love, we fall in love with that person. As times change, we change. Our needs change. And if we are not willing to change with them, sometimes it's caused us to fall out of love. No fault of yours. You are who you are. Sounds like he has changed and he has become not the person you fell in love with. Try recreating the moment you all fell in love and reminice that moment with hime. Try the old things you use to do wtih him. If that doesn't work, then it is time to untie the knot. Your kids, yes will be hurt, but rather them seeing you separated/divorced and HAPPY, than be together and seeing you two fall a part and miserable. It's unhealthy for children to witness that. Try to think about what I said. It's up to you both to try and make this work. Good Luck. :-D

Does your husband have any idea about the way you feel? If not, then you should tell him how you've been feeling and find out how he feels. I don't think that you have been fair to him. A marriage is something that must be constantly nurtured. I think that you should think about why you loved your husband in the beginning and rekindle that spark again. Since you haven't told your husband your current feelings, it's only fair that if he wants to work on it, you should give it a chance. Start "dating" your husband again and get to know him again. The best marriage advice I ever got was to give your spouse 100% and vice versa and to never stop dating. If both sides are giving 100% to the other then both sides are happy because their needs are being met. And consistent dates with your spouse gives you the chance to reconnect with them when life gets in the way. I think you should try to find that love that you had for your husband and try to save the marriage while making it joy in your life again. Marriage is never easy. You have to constantly work on it, but it is the most wonderful and worthwhile thing you will ever have.

I do not have any advice...but my thoughts are with you, sister. You make yourself happy. You deserve it. What a tough position....

Would you free him to live a more fulfilled life? If you are lacking love, does he already know? My in-laws are outwardly mean to each other and my husband and I have come to accept that they would be better on their own.