Unsure If Want to Stay Married

THere are SO many counselors out there that you can talk to. I would give it a shot first. Go seperately to have some individual time witha counselor but also go together. Don't give up ona good thing that you might regret later.

It sounds as though your issues have nothing to do with your husband; he is just the available target. Definitely talk to a counselor. Find out what is at the core of your problems. Maybe you are really mad at yourself for marrying so young. Maybe it's just a mini-mid-life crisis and you are just longing to feel a little more freedom for yourself. Consider an annual (or even semi-annual) girls' holiday. Connect with two or three or more of your girlfriends and plan a holiday week away from home and all the pressures inherent therein. Taking this little time just for yourself can be a very liberating sensation.
And, though it's admirable for you to always put your kids first, sometimes you have to do something for yourself if you want to be able to do your best for your kids. So you might also want to consider a monthly honeymoon weekend. Find a willing and available babysitter to take the kids for a long weekend every month or so and make plans for just you and your husband to go somewhere and be alone together to re-awaken your feelings for each other. Never underestimate the value of "Me" time.

Whatever you focus on appears to be bigger. Right now, you are focusing on yourself and your feelings and your this and your that, and it's looming bigger and bigger and bigger. You already are the center of your kids' universe, and probably that of your husband as well. Your kids don't deserve to have you kick their father out of the house simply because you're wondering if you shouldn't have gotten married when you did.

The fact is, you DID get married when you did. The fact is you DO have two children who need their father AS WELL AS their mother. The fact is that there may be reasons for your feelings other than your husband -- so just because you are separated or divorced doesn't mean you will feel better.

There are many reasons for feeling down -- "you are what you eat" -- perhaps your diet is screwed up and has messed up your brain chemicals (maybe other people can eat like you and not have a problem, but you're not "other people" -- you're unique!); maybe you need more sunshine, fresh air, and exercise; maybe you need to talk to someone who will give you some good solid advice, instead of letting you slide deeper into depression unchallenged. Someone who will say, "Put on your big girl panties and grow up."

I would have loved to have gotten married that young, instead of spending nearly a decade wondering if I was ever going to get married; if the right guy was ever going to come along and notice me.

You may have missed out on some stuff, because you can only live one life -- you can't be married and not, with kids and not, at the same time. But what you "missed out on" is not necessarily good stuff; or, there are at least enough trade-offs with bad stuff that comes with the good that you shouldn't feel like you missed out on anything.

Stop focusing on the negatives, and instead focus on the positives -- you wouldn't have your sons if you had lived a different life, if nothing else! Look at all the good things your life right now has to offer, and whenever you're tempted to spend time looking at what you can't have (turning back time and being unmarried through your 20s), tell yourself to stop thinking that, and forcibly turn your mind to all the good times you've had BECAUSE you got married at 19. Think about the good times you had with your husband and your children -- heck, even write them down as you can, so that you have something solid to prove that you can be happy married to your husband, when times of darkness come on you.

Focus more on BEING who and what you ought to be, instead of trying to change your circumstances in the hopes that you will magically feel better. Forsaking your wedding vows (remember that "til death do us part" bit?) will not make you happy; nor is it justified unless your husband has had an affair or something.

Your children need to have their fathers. My husband's parents had a very rocky relationship for most of his teenage years (his father did cheat on his mom sometimes, and even left her at least once and eventually begged to come back), and that scarred him deeply, and was a major factor in the reason he turned to drugs and alcohol. Praise God, He turned him around, and he is now a strong Christian and a good person, but he still has the scars from his difficult teenage years because of his parents' marital discord -- because his father wasn't there. Don't do that to your sons without some darn good reasons!

HI J.,
You never said if you have sought medical help for depression. If not I would do so. Counseling sounds like a good idea.

Sit down and make a list of things that you consider problems in your marriage and why they are a problem for you. Talk to you husband about each one on the list. Ask his advice about how you can work on the problems to make them better.

Ask your husband to take the children for a few days so you can have some me time to think about things and decide what is in your best interest. You have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of any one else. Your mental health is important.

Some good advice has been given here. Only you in the end can decide what is best for you. Consider all your options, weigh all the pros and cons of what is suggested before deciding. I wish you the best life has to offer.

If your husband is a good guy and great father then it seems like a separation or divorce would be selfish given that you do have young kids. Think about those boys and what it will do to them if you leave your husband. In 13 years when they are both up and out you can leave if you are still unhappy but I think you should buck up and if you are unhappy and depressed go see a therapist and figure out if it is really your husband that is the problem - if not, then leaving him is not going to resolve your depression and then you will also be dealing with unhappy kids, juggling dual custody, having to work and take care of kids without a partner, limited financial resources, etc. I don't see how that is going to improve your resentment issues. Before you do anything drastic, get some professional help. I hope it works out for your kids sake.

It's natural to feel like you've missed out on somethings because you married young.

I understand that feeling. I got pregnant with my son when I was 19, and have spent years trying to find the balance between being a working mom and wanting to enjoy my 20's.

You don't mention in your post if you actually love your husband. Or even if you think you do. Though you did say he's a good guy. You feel guilty for hurting him, so maybe you love him still.

Either way, for your own sake and the sake of your family, I'd suggest going to counseling. You and your husband should both go. The resentment is something that you might be able to work through. If he's willing to help you through it, then it wouldn't hurt to accept his help.

A therapist will help you sort out your feelings and figure out what you really want. Couples counseling will help you figure out if you want to stay married or if you really want to divorce. If you want to stay married, it will help you with the issues in your marriage. Individual counseling will be beneficial if you decide to get divorced - the emotional rollercoaster that divorce brings is one heck of a ride!

good luck.

If you have a good husband and father that provides for the family and cares about you, you should try to work out what ever the problems are. I know for myself depression comes from being overworked with no time for myself. I would suggest a hobby to give you time to yourself and do something for yourself such as reading, excercise, sewing, crafts or whatever.

J.,

One of the reasons marriage is so difficult is because we are looking to our spouse to meet our emotional needs. I mean they did marry us. Shouldn't that mean he should be my soul mate and best friend? As we all know, men and women are so different. I was very miserable in my marriage for years. I didn't know what to do. My husband could not seem to communicate with me. I would express what my needs were, but he would just try to show me love in his way - sex. I was recommended a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Wow! Let me tell you, that changed my life. What always seems to happen is women try to give love to their husbands in the way they want to be loved and vise versa with men. When I started to show him unconditional love in his love language and told him what my love language is, he was able to meet it better. It took the pressure off from him always feeling like he wasn't meeting my needs well enough. My love language is quality time. His love language is physical touch and words of affirmation.

But to be honest with you, I had to forgive him first for not meeting my needs. I had to start to let down the wall I'd built up for many years. I had to give to him unconditionally with no expectations in return. The book explains we all have a love tank. When we first start dating the other people fills our love tank to full. After the pressures of marriage, children, finances, etc., we get so busy and find little time to spend with our spouses. I found both of our love tanks were beyond empty. As I begain to show him love in his love language, he responded well. As his love tank grew full, he desired to learn and grow in how to meet my needs. Yes, I believe your marriage can be saved. If you love your husband and want your family to stay together, please read "The Five Love Languages" and another book, "His Needs Her Needs" by Willard Harley, Jr. We went to a counselor for 6 months. I got more out of these two books than anything he was able to do for us. (He had us read these two books.) It just takes one of the two people in the marriage to try. Forgiveness is the key to letting go of the past and starting your future. Not only forgive your husband for not meeting your needs, forgive yourself and ask for forgiveness from him. It's not always bad to take some time alone to reflect on things. Use this opportunity to explore your heart and hurts. Sometimes we busy wives and mother's don't take the time to reflect on how we feel. You don't have to be unhappy and depressed. If you face your fears, you will overcome. Just don't bury your head in the sand and try to make it all go away. It won't. It will be there waiting for you to deal with it until you do. I am speaking from experience. My marriage is better and stronger than I could have ever imagined.

I know you can do it. If you need encouragement along the way, please write me. I've seen both side of your situation. I'm a praying person. I asked God to help me help myself and to help me forgive. Forgiveness is not a feeling. It's a choice. Once we chose to forgive, God with his infinate mercy and grace with restore your heart.

I know you are looking for something to fill the empty void. It's not going to come in the form of another man, though that might work temorarily. It's not going to come from a new job, more money or anyone for that matter. It has to come from within and knowing who you are and what your purpose is in life.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

A.

I got married at 19 also. I have two kids and am having our 11th anniversary. Yes, you missed out. But that doesn't mean you missed out on anything all that great. My husband works with a very nice 33 year old woman, nice looking and nice person, and she would love to have a family and a solid relationship. Partying, dating and going out only go so far. If you need girl time get into a mom's night out group. They are everywhere. Get medical help for depression. After that you may realize you have something worth holding onto.

Don't mess anything up before you have a clear and level head. Depression is clouding that.

Good luck and email if you would like to talk. J.

J.,

Marriage is hard. I've been married for 10 years and we've had our share of ups and downs. I remember wishing I could find the right man when I was 19 - I didn't find my husband until I was 26. I know that just by saying it won't make you feel that much better - but you really didn't miss out on anything being married so young.

There are so many reasons I've felt I married the wrong man. But I've really come to understand more about this marriage deal. When I'm unhappy it really has little to do with him - especially, perhaps, for women like us who are married to really good men. We think life is about finding happiness. We think, "oh, if only I had done this or that I'd be happy." But really life isn't about being happy. Happiness is a result of something more meaningful and it has nothing to do with the great guy we're married to. It has to do with finding out your purpose J.. What is it that you're meant to do here for the betterment of humanity? I truly believe that each of us has a specific task to fulfill. When we find it we discover happiness or even better, contentment.

For me, I found that I thoroughly love working with other moms, guiding them, supporting them. I started my own business and became a trained Parent Coach. I work from home and continue to learn and grow as a wife, mom, and now a professional in a field that keeps me up at night with new ways of relieving mommy overwhelm.

There's something you are meant to find about yourself through this process. I don't think you'll find it if you choose to make your marriage the target of your own discontentment with yourself. If anything, make your marriage your fortress for your well-being while you discover what your destiny is. Keep that man. Your children deserve to have both of you in their lives. Be responsible for your own discontent and go after what you want with the support of a good husband. Believe me, they are hard to find! You'll never find a man who will come into the lives of your boys and love them as much as he does.

Believe again in loyalty and commitment. Search for purpose not happiness.

Need help? Email me back and we can talk.

I am 33 as well I have a 10 month old her father and I are together but I sometimes think we are together for the wrong reasons. Children can sense your feelings they know when Mommy is unhappy. I think you are doing what is best for you at this stage in your life and that is being honest with yourself and your loved ones.

Counseling sounds like a great idea or maybe just exploring life and discovering who you are all over again.

Good Luck

The only thing I can say is, the more you dwell on the negatives, the more depressed you will get and the more you will push your husband away. You cannot depend on him for your happiness because NO ONE will be able to make you happy. That depends on your attitude and ability and strength to not let your circumstance, situation, etc. bog you down.

I HIGHLY recommend making a list of all the things you are thankful for. Maybe have your whole family (including husband) do the same. See how many things you can write down and really think about them. Share them together. It just might surprise you how great you feel afterwards. Push yourself and your mind to think about the good things and let all the rest go.

You question what you missed.
You fail to forget God blessed you with what you consider a wonderful man and both of you with 2 healthy boys. Two healthy boys and a wonderful husband should make you feel full. God brought you two together 13 years ago. Have you included God in that 13 years and with all of your decisions? I have seen some people here have told you that dr's or medication is the answer. Why not see the greatest healer of all GOD. You should take your wonderful husband and boys to church the first Sunday that you can. Find yourself a Bible believing church and give this to God. After all, my God raised the dead, calmed the storms and moved mountains. I don't think your problem is to big for HIM to handle. I am sure he will bless the desire to be in a relationship with Him and heal your family. Feel free to contact me to refer you to a awesome Bible teaching church, in the triad.

Hi J.,
I would suggest that you and your husband go to counseling together. Your husband sounds like a good man and you have the two kids to consider. I think that if you stay together, you will find that it is so worth it and you will be glad that you did, even though right now you are struggling. Marriage is so rewarding - you have to stay together even during the tough times! The grass is not always greener on the other side. Can you imagine what you would have to go through again to find another man you wanted to be with? Not worth it!! I want to encourage you to not give up on your marriage. May God be with you and take care of you during this hard time!

Get your act together girl before you lose your husband. Make a life for yourself now and stop regretting / resenting what you were never meant to have in the first place.Start giving more and you'll get more.

I also married at a young age, graduated from high school in may, married in june, 18 years old. have been married now for 45 years, 3 children. That thought often came to me in our marriage, not because I felt I missed out on anything, but because of other reasons. But, I felt my family being together was more important, I learned to pray and trust God in this area, because family is the most important thing in this world to me, and I still get those feelings, just for a fleeting moment. One thing you cannot do is look back to what you feel you may have missed, because you may not a missed anything. You said this is a good person you are married to, so look forward always in your marriage. I never left or asked him to leave, because, I knew that if I did, there would never be any getting back together. You sound like a wonderful person yourself, but don't sell yourself short in looking back, look forward to your future with your husband and kids. much luck to you and your family.

Balance is HUGE in life so if you are feeling one sided (i.e. mom/wife/no self) it's no wonder you are feeling confused and like you're missing something. I read all of the other responses here and I really agreed with Becca S., Reese G., V C and Skye A. I could go on and on, but these women said a-lot that you could consider. In the long run, if you aren't happy it will always show through and bottling up emotions is not healthy at all. So best you take care of what needs to be dealt with even if it means a little shake up in your world, than to pretend you are fine until it is too late. Good luck with your family. It is clear that you will do what is best for ALL.

It is possible that you are suffering from depression. Have you talked to your doctor? If your husband is a good guy then you should try medication first. Depression crept up on me very slowly and I had no idea that it was just me. I wanted to blame all those around me for the bad place I was in my life. I couldn't even look at a flower or tree and think "how beautiful".

I've scanned through the responses and they sound great. I hope you're encouraged by them - please don't feel burdened or alone. There are so many ways to find support. At the risk of sounding "preachy," I have to tell you that the love of the Lord is the only thing that truly opens a marriage to the fullest extent. Please don't try to do this on your own! Find help - a good solid counselor, a loving church (depending on where you are, I might be able to suggest a couple), and most of all a relationship with Jesus Himself. You can't go back and reclaim your teenage years, but you can fill the emptiness inside you with what the Lord has planned for your future.

I agree with the previous posts....PLEASE get help before making any life changing decision. Getting treatment for depression and having someone to talk to about your resentments might work wonders. Especially if you are married to a wonderful guy. I'd hate for you to give that up if something else needs to be fixed.

It sounds like you are in a rut. You got married at 19. So you need to sit down and figure out what you missed out on.

Many mothers (myself included) make the mistake of making their children their ONLY life. They forget they were an individual prior to the marriage.

You must think, "what am I teaching my children". You want to teach them to love and care for family, so you love and take care of them. But you also NEED to teach them to love and take care of themselves or they will not have good relationships. So, love and take care of yourself. Show them that every individual has worth and you can love your family best when you love yourself. There is time for you to take care of everyone.

So, what did you miss? College, traveling, bar hopping? :)

You can take a night class (gets you out of the house, time to do something for yourself). Traveling, I took a girls only cruise, it was awesome. No kids or husbands. You need to have Mom's Night Out REGULARLY> mom's are people too. You are J., not just so n so's mom.

Go and talk to a councselor. You need someone to talk to, a safe place to talk out what you are feeling. And to help you come up with solutions.

I am doing that now and it has really helped. Many times just for me to say it out loud and then I realize things I had ignored.

Single life is hard. And leaves very little time for yourself. So if you are missing "me time", separating will not provide that. It will decrease it. And you do not want this recentment to carry over to your kids.

No one else can be responisble for your choices, but maybe they can help you improve your life so you don't feel you are missing out anymore.

email me if you want to talk. ____@____.com

S.

No one ever said that marriage would be easy or that it would be blissful all the time. However, you must remember your vow...for better and for worse. When you made that vow, you meant it right? You need to do whatever you can to save your marriage. He sounds like a wonderful guy and good father, what more could you ask for? Your kids need you both! You are right, it is not his fault that you missed out in your teen years. You made that choice and now you have to reap the consequences whatever those may be. It's not fair to disrupt your family over it. I understand you need to figure some things out and I hope you are seeking counseling. In the meantime, encourage your husband that you are trying to work things out so that you can make things work between the two of you, otherwise, you may end of losing him. Also, keep in mind, happiness is not something that you can achieve from relationships but rather from within yourself. Take care and I hope it all works out for the benefit of your whole family.

J.-
You have gotten a lot of good advice below. I can relate being married to a good man and not being happy. So unhappy I had to get out. BUT...I didn't have children to consider and it was a mistake to begin with and it was a rocky time in my life.

NOW...I am married to a good man. Great father, husband, provides well, but all without sacrifice. Works a lot, I'm at home with the kids alot on my own...I had to relocate when I got married so i'm away from my family. We all make sacrifices...but the most important key to keeping yourself together is PEACE OF MIND.

I lost a lot of my teen years and wandered aimlessly while my parents went through a terrible divorce. I'm not against divorce...my parents were terrible together, even after 30 years...but it takes it's toll on everyone involved.

I would strongly recommend counseling...for you individually, and marriage counseling for the both of you. Good men are few and far between and are so hard to find...but it doesn't always ensure a guaranteed marriage.

I think a lot of us women have days when we wonder what's on the other side of the bridge, but perhaps since you married so young, that urge is a lot stronger for you. The other side isn't always good or better but you have to do what is right for you (and your children)

I wouldn't make a decision until you are able to do so with a clear mind and you know it's the right decision, and you have peace of mind that comes with it. It sounds like you might be a little depressed and I would certainly work through that before you do anything.

Good luck

J.,

Ultimately, no one can make this decision for you--you'll have to decide what is right in your circumstances, but you asked for advice, so here goes. . .
Please try to work out any issues or differences that exist between you and your husband. Counseling sounds like an excellent idea in your case, perhaps some individual to work out the resentment that you mentioned and then some together as a couple. Your marriage is worth the effort. You said that your husband is a "good guy," so try focusing on the positive while you are working through the difficulties. There aren't many "good guys" out there, and the grass IS NOT greener on the other side. Despite what others may tell you, there is documented, scientific research that proves that divorce has a lasting impact on children. I am a child of divorced parents myself, so I speak from personal experience as well. Your children's (and your) well-being are largely dependent upon how you handle this difficult time in your life. I'm sorry you're having trouble, but have faith--my mother always says, "This too shall pass." No difficult situation lasts forever. As long as he is not abusing you or cheating on you, give your marriage another try. After all, you vowed to do so when you got married. You'll be glad you did. God bless!

Please consider carefully what you are about to do. I agree with the others that counseling is a good idea. I have been in a similar place (feeling resentment) and really thought that I had crossed the point of no return. Counseling helps you work through the resentment. It may be that you two cannot work this out, but you owe it to yourself and your family to try everything possible before calling it quits. I have spoken with a few people who have been through divorce (including my dad) and they have all wished they would have tried a little harder to work things out. Obviously, no one knows except you what's best. I want you to know that it is possible to work through this and in the end have a better marriage. I am praying for you and your family. I am hoping for the best for you!

J. - stay married until you are certain. I've not been in a relationship even close to that time but am in one now and have been for a little over 2 years and we have a 1 year old beautiful little girl. I'm struggling with a lot of things in this relationship because of what started out to be because of him. It's a long story and not one that needs to be posted here. I'm not one to stay with anyone because of a child but do so right now so that I make the best decision I can with a lot of thought to it. All of my decisions I make decide her fate as well just as it will for your boys. May I recommend a book that I'm too reading and so far makes a lot of sense and may help you with your choices. It's actually a series, called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. They have them for dating, kids, marriage, etc. I'm reading the one for marriage and the book is not about setting boundaries for others bur for yourself and being in self-control. It may help you and possibly save your marriage. Good luck and I hope everything works out the way you wish for it to.

I was once told, happiness is doing for others what doesn't hurt you. I think you need to weigh the pros and cons. Do you have real joy in your married life? Joy is different than happiness. Joy is something that you need in your heart constantly. Happiness is subjective and conditional. You will not always be happy but you should always have inner joy. Decide if you life without your husband will give you real JOY.

I'm a clinical psychologist, so you're getting a professional opinion for free: If you are "depressed and unhappy" all the time, then maybe you are DEPRESSED and need treatment for it. (Restated: Maybe you have Major Depression, a real and treatable illness.) Don't file for divorce yet. Go to your physician and get a good physical. (There are physical factors that can mimic or cause depression.) Then go to a psychologist or psychiatrist and see if you meet the criteria for depression and if antidepressant medication might help. Even if you do start an antidepressant, work with a psychologist or other counselor to see if you can make less drastic changes than divorce to get your life happier. Maybe some couples therapy would be a good idea; there may be ways your marriage needs to change or things your husband can do to help you feel better and have more to give to the marriage. Give this situation 6 more months and do some or all of the things I've suggested. If later on you still want a divorce, then so be it. But don't do anything hastily when there may be a health problem at the root of it.

You say you're really confused. That's not a good state-of-mind for making a decision such as getting a divorce. In my opinion, marriage is worth sticking it out through tough times, especially since you say he's a good guy and a good father. Please seek counseling. There are good Christian counselors out there who could really help you sort through your thoughts and feelings.

As a child of divorce (my parents divorced when I was 8), I know how much it can hurt kids. Not to mention it just really complicates life. I firmly believe that one of the best things we can do for our children is work hard at having a healthy marriage relationship. There's something about having a mom and dad who love each other (even when they don't feel like loving each other) that really benefits children emotionally and in so many other ways.

Dear J.,

You didn't say why you asked your husband to move out or why you feel so much resentment. So, I guess my questions would be: Do you love him? Does he love you? Is he abusive? What is it that you can't live with? or without? Is this about you feeling trapped? lonely? unappreciated? Have you talked to a pastor, counselor or friend about the problems? Have you talked to him? Ending a marriage isn't something I believe can be done easily or taken lightly. I had to do it after 32 years with grown kids and it wasn't easy or quick.

I guess the only thing I could advise would be to move slowly and be sure of what you want and need in your life. I don't think keeping a marriage for the sake of the kids would be a good answer for anyone, but I do believe that their needs also need to be addressed and understood.

Good luck..If you need to talk, feel free to write me. I will be praying for you and your family.

B. B

I have gone through a divorce myself and don't believe it is the answer. I have learned that you have to work on you to be happy - not to your husband or anyone else. Once you start figuring all of these things out that have caused discontentment in yourself and fixing them, things will fall in line with your marriage. Going out and "sowing wild oats" that you have missed aren't going to make you happy. I rely on my faith for these things and find my answers in my faith. I go to a Christian counselor who counsels me on things that have caused me to react certain ways to my husband and misinterpret things he says or does, for example. These things have caused me to be very defensive and resist help, for another example. It has helped me to love him in a way I haven't before and not to be so critical because I am so much more at peace with myself. With me being so much happier with myself it makes him want to be around me more and we are so much happier together. It honestly felt like we fell in love all over again. I do agree with another comment below in saying that you do, as a couple, need time as parents of young ones to keep connected by getting away together even if it's just a walk together or a ride in the country w/o kids and no talking about kids. You also need some "mommy time" to keep your sanity. I get up every morning before the kids to have some "me" time and read some devotionals. It takes commitment but it is so worth it. Divorce destroys the kids and causes so many problems in the long run, I know. I also know living in an unhappy home does too - but working towards making yourself happy can make all the difference. If you go to church - check to see if they have a good Christian counselor to counsel you. It will make all the difference. My prayers are with you because I've been there and know how much it tears you apart. God bless.

I went through that when I was 22 I had very young children and had been with my husband from the time I was 14. I lived out my fun years after I divorced my first husband and married again at 35. I will tell you the one thing you need to really ask yourself is do you love him? I mean truly deeply love him? If you do then it is worth working it out. If you have no feelings but guilt for the children, it is better for the children for you to seperate. I do not regret leaving my ex because I didn't love him anymore and I knew we would be better friends than married. He was a good father all through the kids growing up and we remained frienda and raised them together as much as possible.

I was married at 19 as well... and had my first baby 3 days later. We had such an unhappy marriage, constantly fighting, me not willing to compromise, him not willing to pay for any bills or baby stuff, me working a full-time job as well as taking care of the house and baby.. We divorced a year and a half later, after I had twin boys.. two years after that, we remarried..
now I am not really happy, but content, mostly because of the military life and the war that drives our family apart. here's something I learned.. take time out for yourself, if not you drive yourself crazy. Take time to pray to God, he's always listening, and you feel so much better after praying.
I wont lie.. if I didn't have my kids I would probably divorce him again. Simply because it's not really him or myself, more like this isn't RIGHT for us. My kids make me happy.. the military life makes me unhappy (don't get me wrong I am so proud to be a military life, but it's so hard and frustrating), my husband yes I love him, and sometimes he makes me happy, but he's not the same man that turned my world upside down 9 years ago. The war has made him so much more rigid, lifeless, not because really the army but because he wasn't ready perhaps for what war would do to him.
Marriage is not easy, it never WILL be easy, if you don't find yourself you will lose yourself in the mom/wife role. Take out that time, but DON'T get carried away. I will be sticking out this marriage for the long run, even when my kids are gone, because I love him, a deep love, that won't go away, I may not be happy right now, but without him my life is MISERABLE. Try to rediscover each other, finding time for your marriage is so very important as well. Love him, and don't hold back, trust him, lean on him when you are weak... it's worth it. Good luck and God bless

sounds like you have been unhappy for a while but thats somthing you may be able to work out if you take the time to discuss this with your husband.you might just need to get councleing or anti dipresants perscribed.you need to consider what this seperation is doing to everyone involved your children,your husband and your self.marrage is a commitment not to be taken lightly its a promise to be there regardless of the circomstances and theres always things in a marrage that make you wonder if you did the right thing.i've been married 23 years and there were times I consitered leaving but I couldnt do that to my children,it wasent there fault and what you do affects them I chose to stay and work things out.I didnt want my children growing up insecure,feeling it was there fault,and it was worth the effert.this is somthing only you and your husband can work out.I say think long and hard before you throw it all away you might regret your decision later and it might be unreconsilable.good luck and god bless you

Hi J.,

Sorry to hear that you are going through hard time. It is normal to have this kind of feeling when you are around 33 years old. At this age some women feel they missed a lot in their life and this is not the one they planned for it!

So, don't worry about it you are not the only one!

You know something funny!

No one can make you happy except you! You are responsible for you own happiness and can't blame it on others! You have to figure out what do you want from life and share it with the people around you.

Second, It's hard to find the nice and responsible partner this day
and if you find it then keep it.

Third, the second marriage is harder than the first one, believe me.

The best solution is to go for therapy.
If you don't know a good one.
Dr. Rifkin is very good, go talk to him ###-###-####. He helped me a lot.

My prayer is with you.

Read His Needs Her Needs and Love & Respect. It will give some things to think about.

I am a mother of 2 and have been married 16 years. I think it time for you to have some "ME" time. If your husband is heartbroken and wants to be at home with you and the kids then explain to him that you need to be able to go do things on your own and with friends. Get the time back that you feel you lost. Not only that but make time for yourselves. A couple of weekends out of the year, go away with your husband and get reconnected, enjoy each other. I also was in a stuper for about 6 years. I had everything I dreamed of, a great husband and father, 2 great kids and nice things but sometimes that is not enough. I recently lost 55 pounds to please myself , not my husband, but it has definately pleased him also because our whole relationship has changed. He is now taking time out of his day to talk to me and just be with me. I take the time to take care of myself. That is a big thing that must be done by all women. We all want to look nice. We all want to be wanted. And we all want to be appriciated. Dont give up on this man, he sounds like he is willing to make this work. You need to figure out what you need from him and be straight up with him. Your happiness is very important and if he sees he is making you happy, he will be happy too! If you do stay together and work things out I have a suggestion for you. Make one night a week a couples night. You dont have to get a sitter or anything just make some time for each other after the kids are in bed. Stay up a little later for each other. Play some cards together, have a couple of glasses of wine together and just get to know each other again. People change, get to know him again and let him get to know you. What you like and dont like. My husband and I have "freaky Fridays" this is our night to have with each other. We crank up the old tunes, play some cards, have a few drinks, talk about old times and have fun with each other just like we were dating again. I wish you luck and I hope you give it another try ,13 years is worth another try!

This is a really tough and private question, but since you asked us, I will respond by encouraging you to really search your heart. On one hand, your kids need two involved loving parents, but on the other hand your kids need you both to be healthy and well. I can't imagine if I had gotten married and started having kids as young as you did. I got married at 24 and started having kids at 27 and I still feel like, this is too grown up for me. I would encourage you to take some time in soul searching, and if it were me, I would pray, alot. You didn't include anything dramatic in your story, (ie. cheating) so it seems like it's more something you need to work out, though I'm sure he has a part in it too. Have you contemplated a change in life/style? (ie.job, hobbies, goals). Those are my thoughts. If you want to talk more, I'm here. You can PM me if you want.

You are right. Nobody made you get married at 19 so it is not his fault that you missed out on teen yrs, however, you should never stay married for the kids sake. I did that and it really screws them up more. You have to do what you have to do to be happy in your life. If time will work things out so you can get back together, that is great. If it doesn't then if you stay you will only be unhappy and make everyone around you be unhappy also. In my experience when I am unhappy, I am not myself and I may snap at others and not mean to.
The ultimate decision lies on you. Do you really love him? Is there anyone else? The kids will bounce back? And if you don't bad mouth their dad and you make it as easy for them to be with their dad when they want to, they will respect you for your decision to be happy; maybe not right now but eventually they will. (They may resent you for a while for breaking up their happy home.) And then you will have to deal with that.
No one can make that decision for you; only you. But there will never be any turning back because you will have hurt this man way too much for him to every totally forgive you, so if I were you, I would sit down and really think what you want in life and WHO you want in life. And if there is someone else, you better make sure that there is no influences in your decision because this will be your ultimate forever life changing decision. I am not trying to talk you into staying nor am I trying to influence you leaving. If you had said he was a jerk, I would say get out now because they don't change but you said he was a good guy and you are the one that decided you weren't happy. I am just saying that you need to take a long look at your life, what you have now, what you will lose, if you are willing to be happy if you walk out, if you are willing to be happy if you stay and are you willing to be lonely for a while (you may be lonely married, I don't know).
Good luck, I have been there and this decision is a difficult one. I was married to the devil so anyone would have been an improvement for me. Luckily I had an angel sent to me. So the decision to leave turned out to be a very good one for me.
I hope you find your destiny.
Good luck

Hi J.,
No one can tell you what to do, that is something you have to figure out. I don't like kids having to go through a divorce, but I also believe we can't be there 100% if we are unhappy. I asked my husband for a divorce 3 days ago and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I really believe it is for the best and I know I am about to have a really hard time making ends meet but sometimes the hard things are worth the struggle.
Since this isn't about me I quit talking about my issues and get back to your problem at hand.
I believe you know what is in your heart and that is what you need to go through with.
I wish I could be more help and if you ever want to talk please feel free to contact me @ ~ ____@____.com ~or you can get me at~ ____@____.com ~for iming. I would be glad to hear from you and maybe we could go through this together. Best Wishes, T.

You did not miss anything!
I went through the whole college experience, single the majority of the time. Dated, partied, etc. 99% of the guys were total jerks! Being married is great, always having someone you love and that loves you to come home to is a wonderful feeling.
If your husband is a good person and loves you, and you love him, I hope you can find some way to work things out.
If you are thinking that being single will be fun, then I'm afraid you will be very disappointed.
Maybe you two could meet with a counselor that could help you rediscover your love.
(some churches have free marital counseling)

I am 35, got married at 20 and also have 2 boys. However, a lot of my friends got married in the last few years and I can tell you that I missed a lot of throwing up from too much drinking, countless awkward dates, a few pregnancy scares and possibly an STD. I agree with the other posts. You need to talk to someone. Take some time for yourself to figure out what makes you happy and make a few small changes to move you in the right direction. You can't keep doing the same things and expect different results. Good Luck!

For all you know your husband might really want to know how you are really feeling and help you. He can't do that if you don't give him a chance. The grass isn't always greener.

I, I, I, I, I, is all I hear in this. You are an adult and you seem to have a good life. Evidently your husband didn't cheat and is a good father. No marriage is perfect and it takes work. All I hear is that you are unhappy well it is time for you to think about someone besides yourself. Think of your husband and the boys? They are hurting while you are going through this oh I married young and think I missed something. Well you are older now and those times are gone. You have responsiblilities and you should own up to them. You need counseling and prayer and hold up to your commitment and not make two more children be put in the position of a split home. You said yourself you felt guilty and you well should. Family is the best thing for all and you need to find ways to make yourself happy with them instead of wondering what is in the other pasture. The other grass is not always greener and when you go there you might want to go back and it may be too late. It sounds like you really love your boys and husband you just can't seem to get over yourself.

Start seeing a counselor, then bring him along if he will go. A good man is hard to find. You need help reassesing your life, and when you can find a plan, maybe you can fit him in. I have been married 42 years, believe me when I tell you that it is not all fun and games, you have highs and lows throughout, but when he is good, that means the world. Everyone has valleys and peaks. How about going back to school, getting an interesting job, doing something creative. Good luck in finding yourself.

What I wouldn't do for a good man in my life and for my son?! What a lot of girls wouldn't do?! You are so blessed you don't even know it. Think about what you would be getting yourself into if you were to divorce.

If you are really interested in seeking advice, why don't you consult counselor? Talk to your preacher. Take action to save your marriage instead of reacting to your depression & unhappiness. Didn't your vows of marriage say "through the good times & BAD"?! Life IS a bowl of cherries. Just most people forget about the pits!

Good Luck, and God Bless! I'll be praying for you.

Ma no offense but do you know how hard it is 1 raising children alone 2 finding a good man, 3keeping stalility after a split because the kids blame themselves and you.I mean no harm but there most be a better way to deal with this. I am 34 my husband just decided he did not want to do it any more after 13 yrs and four children. If he is truly a good man and you are just confused 1 pray alot 2 get some help for yourself and your family and have a girls nite out twice a month with your friends and call it a day the devil is after families don't just give him yours fight!

Please keep in mind that the grass is not always greener on the other side. You have said that this your problem not his. If you both still love each other.... He seems like a warm-hearted man who loves you.... I would start by talking to him. Do you know what you want? Can he help you figure that out? Can he help you to be happy? Talk to him about the resentment you feel, tell him what you think you want, let him know how he can help. From the way you sound, you acknowledge that he's not your problem, you are your problem. Are you looking for a night out on the town just the two of you? Do you want a "girls night out"? Do you want the wild passionate sex life you had when you two met? True love is hard to find and I ocassionally find my husband to be "boring" but I know he loves me... and he shows me he loves me & the kids in more ways than I can count... cleaning house, doing laundry, taking care of my car, mowing the lawn, taking care of the kids, etc... sometimes I just have to get away and do some me stuff. I never cheat on him, but if i want to go shopping I go... or if I want to schedule a girls day out, I do... And so it be, yes we check out guys while were out, but so what???? I dont go and ask them out! Find what made you two fall in love in the first place.... but from the way you sound, If you leave your dearest love... It will not cure your depression or your unhappiness. Only you can do that... and as a Mental Health Counselor Graduate I can tell you that you need all the support through this time and your husband will be a great source of support. leaving your husband and kids seeking "the greater goods" you dream of... it's not out there girlfriend. Happiness comes from within, $$ dont bring happiness, Alcohol dont bring happiness, drugs dont bring happiness, sex dont bring happiness.

You seem as though you are really strong. I have faith in you and I know you can do this. But dont do something that you later regret. Seek Professional help... start with an anti-depressant. Best of luck, let me know how it goes.

Dear J.,

You are me in many ways. I have a lot of things I want to share with you but don't want to come across in the wrong way.

I am 45 and have been divorced from grown children's father since 93'

I have a wonderful 4 yr old with a boyfriend from high school
(grad of '81), that I dated for 7 yrs after being divorced.

Please call me ###-###-#### because I feel I have a few insights lokking back in my life . At 45 I've learned some lessons the hardest way, and would love to save you some of the pain I've experienced, wether you divorce or not, I feel I can help in both scenarios.

My last piece of advice, unless you want to talk further is that good guys are very hard to come by. If he's a great Dad, that's very hard to come by, Take time to consider every possible outcome from your decisions.

Also I've suffered from depression off and on for many years, untreated, and I know that getting into the word of God helped. But I don't want to preach gospel to you. I really feel like you are headed for painful roads because you are in pain and I have done the same.

I hope to hear from you. Your heart spoke to mine and I'd like to share with you.

I too was married at 19, missed out on a lot, had and still struggle with at times, resentment, grief etc.
You'll be on my mind and in my prayers,
J.

Give it to God. I go to Praise Assembly and it has been amazing. God is truly there and doing wonderful things all the time. I am dealing with some things in my life right now and God and all the people of this Church have been amazing.

Praise Assembly
2702 Highway 70 E
New Bern, NC 28560
###-###-####

This is a hard one to really give advice on but I will tell you that this:

The grass is not greener on the other side! Dating is not the same as it was 13 years ago and I'd hate to think what it would be like in another 13 years!

Also, the things you have missed out on...you can still do. In fact, I would bet your husband may feel the same way. It makes these things so much more enjoyable when you can share them with some one else! Granted, I'm sure some of these things may be things you want to do on your own, but I'm sure it would be nice to have a husband to tell about them when you're done.

I hope this helps and definitely best of luck to you in all that you do!

I have often felt like I have missed out too, but I married and had my daughter at 26, so maybe it is just something most people experience. You may going through a hard time or you may be clinically depressed. I am not a therapist and i don't know, but therapist are for everyone not just people with clinical depression. They can help you during times like this. Dr. Gerald Huff is a very wise person and very talented. He has a a PHd is Psychology and a ton of life experience. My parents divorced and it is very painful for the children to experience. However probably in bad relationships it might be better. Good luck and let us know what happens

Seek couseling..go back to school..find a job..good luck..
S. B

Question 1: What is best for your children? I know this sounds harsh, but it isn't about you anymore...
Even if you get divorced, you will never be able to go back in time and get back your youth or freedom.
Question 2: What do you have to GAIN and LOSE if you get this divorce? Is it possible that you could make a list of what you feel like you are missing in your life and have a frank discussion with your husband and see if there isn't some way you could work towards those goals together?
Question 3: Is HE blissfully happy being married to you? Maybe you could both have a better relationship if you could communicate some of your disappointments in the marriage and work on them.
Question 4: Is there someone you would rather be with?

I have a few bits of advice. First, if he is a good guy, you really want to consider the fact that leaving him may give you regrets later. There are not a lot of good guys out there. Being single looks fun but it is lonely and not all it is cracked up to be. I have a few single friends and I envy their time alone, their ability to date whoever and whenever, their ability to travel, go out dancing, paint their homes red if they want to! But, they envy my life and ultimatley so do I. Those few nights out are not worth what you will lose. Not to mention, you are still a mom and will still have those same responsibilities, there is not much you can do while having your children and keeping them in the most normal life possible. Maybe you are bored, maybe you feel like you missed out and just may need to do some things you have always wanted to do. You don't have to do them without your husband though. Make a list of the things you think you are missing out on and see if there are any that you can do alone without compromising your marriage, or if there are any you can do with your husband. He may be feeling the same thing and may enjoy the newness and excitement. You may try counseling to get you close to him again, renew that love. If you have anything at all in common, a nice trip or vacation, just the two of you can help. If you feel like you want to get out, dance, see the world, you can do that with him. If you feel like you want to date again.....at least give your marriage, your husband, and your children, the chance to see if couseling will work. You have to give it your BEST shot and try as hard as you can. You did make a commitment, a lifetime commitment. Not only marrying, but then bringing children into this marriage. A quick stint of partying, dating, etc may not really be what you need. I am 38 and VERY happily married but at times I think back to my "younger years" and really yearn to get out and re-live them. So, I do this WITH my husband! We are going to have our first trip, just the two of us, no kids, to Vegas and I plan to dance, party, gamble, and have fun! You can have fun with your husband....you can add things to your "personal time" with your husband to make it fresh and new again too. there is also counseling for behind closed doors to help you with "ideas". :o)

With that being said, if you are truly, truly, over it and want out, it shows in your moods, personality, etc and you have to always remember: Children would rather be FROM a broken home than to live IN one. Do what is best for your children FIRST but do what you can to be happy. You should not be unhappy, you may just need an uplift and a renewing of your marriage. Try to remember why you fell in love with him and renew those things. Look at him in a different way, try some new things, dates, etc You may just be bored and set in the ways of a mom and wife. Join a gym, join a women's group where you go out once a month on a girl's night.

keep in mind all that will change that you may NOT want to change........financial things, kids with their dad daily, etc

Good luck! W.