We Don't Have Anything in Common Anymore...

My hubby & I don't have ANYTHING in common! lol But, for some reason, we love each other madly. We just make an effort to compromise. I do things with him I don't particularly enjoy & I KNOW he does things with me he doesn't exactly enjoy. Haha. And when we find we don't have much to talk about, we just enjoy each others company. It's work &, honestly, sometimes an effort, but worth it. :)

It must be something about being married for 8-9 years that makes couples go through this. We went through that 2 years ago and this year we will be married 10 years. We have 4 kids 8,6,4,1. All of this is our case but maybe it'll help you out. If you look back at when you were dating....you did everything together and enjoyed it...right. But if you really look at what it was you were doing, it probably wasn't what you'd choose to do but because you were doing it with the one you love then that made it ok. Two years ago, we decided that we had to make some time for "us" to connect with each other. That meant even riding with each other to do errands, making the kids play outside for 30 minutes without coming inside (we live in the country), staying up later than we'd like, whatever it took for us to be together. We got so caught up in the day to day things and just keeping up with the kids and work that "we" got lost. It definately takes work and planning to make a marriage work and we didn't realize that until our relationship got rocky and we really couldn't stand each other in the same room. We were lucky and realized it before it was too late and decided that what we have is too special to be put on the "back burner." We also realized that all this work we were putting into the kids was not as special and meaningful if the kids didn't have 2 parents that truely loved and cared for each other and in turn that we could teach our kids how to be loving and caring people. My husband has hobbies that I REALLY don't care for and I know that he doesn't care for a lot of things I enjoy BUT every once in a while it pays off to show some interest. You don't even have to do a certain activity...just be together whatever it is you are doing. You just have to try....don't give up on trying. Your family is worth it. Keep drawing upon the memories of your dating and that will help you try to spark new interests and feelings. GOOD LUCK!

One thing that might be difficult, but is well worth a try is to find something that neither of you has done before or maybe even never had interest in before and try it together. Go do something like bowling, roller blading, biking - something that you can try together and talk together during (not like a movie). Maybe go to an RV show or boat show even if you would never consider buying one. You'll get to experience it together at least. And you may both hate it or you may both love it, but it will give you something to talk about (even if you both mock it the entire time you're there!) ;)

If you can't find anything that you both haven't done before (even scuba diving or something exotic), you will have to compromise and even though you may not LIKE doing something, you do need to be willing to do it with your husband if that's what he really wants to do. Maybe you can trade off weeks where you go do something with him that he wants to do and the next time he comes with you to do something you want to do.

Finally, an excellent book on this subject is HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS by Willard F Harley, Jr. The subtitle of the book is "Building an affair-proof marriage", but the book isn't just about dealing with situations of affairs or soon-to-be affairs. It sets up a good framework to overcome exactly what you're talking about of not seeming to have anything in common any more and how to address it. So don't let the title scare you.

Get a book from the library titled "The five love languages : how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate" by Gary Chapman. It will give you assignments that will help you find out what makes each other feel good and bring back the spark. One of the assignments is to write down some things that you love about the other person. Then it has you write a love letter,paragraph, or sentence to give to them. It has you do something with that to show them that you care about what makes them feel loved. It might be just words that you speak. The five steps are: quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Each one has you thinking about and giving you ideas then your assignments are using these to apply them to something you do together. Quality time may be just spending time next to him watching his favorite show or football even if you don't like that. Its a really good book and they even have one for the kids & teens to find out how to express your love to them. I know I might not be explaining it good but its a great book. Check it out what can it hurt? AT least you will find out more about each other and it will bring you closer. In the mean time "PRAY".
P.S. go to www.fivelovelanguages.com and sign up for the free resources to get the worksheets and a peak at the books.

Tonia

Sounds familiar... I think I remember saying this to my husband before. It was after having kids too! Anyway, five years later we have two little kids - 2 and 8 months. Lack of sleep and a busy family/work schedule keeps us very busy, like you guys. I don't really have any advice because we are trying to figure it out ourselves. We used to enjoy going to the movies together and seeing plays; however, we have lost interest b/c of time and money to do those things. We find ourselves just talking about the kids and work mostly. I know last year my husband and I took a week of vacation away from our one child at the time. It really was heaven - it really brought us closer together and we tried to not just talk about our daughter. We are desperate for another one of those types of trips having two now; however, cannot afford an out-of-town trip. We have been discussing just staying at a hotel in dallas for a weekend and leaving the kids at home with my parents. Good luck!!

We have been married 29 years this weekend. We have all gone thru this at some point and several times in our marriage. Whether you can get a way for a couple of hours or a couple of days, just get away together. It doesnt matter what you do. NO TV!!! Flirt with him. Tease him. He probably doesnt want to "talk". Dont say we need to talk. Let the time dictate the conversation. Ask him about his dreams. If money were no object.......What would he buy, do, eat, go etc and smile in agreement. Get back to the dreams you had when you first met. We grow apart because we lose site of our dreams. Get him to dream again and find something you both want to do in the future if money and kids were not a problem. You will find that those dreams can come true, maybe on a small scale, but they will come true sooner than you think. One rule, do not talk kids and jobs unless he wants to talk about his job. (More than likely, he wont). I hope this helps you.
Just know that when you do get away, when you come back, life is still there. You will have to get away more often to where you both look forward to your time. It will help when you have something to look forward to. Remember, never stop dreaming. Be like kids when just the 2 of you are together. Kids dream all the time. Pretend until it is real. Good luck. M. R.

Good morning L.,
It is a must that you get FIREPROOF MOVIE and you must watch it together I recomond every married couple watch it don't care how good your marrage is .
Also another question do you go to church anywhere if not find you a Church and start going. There is a Victory Life church there in McKinney.Duane Sheriff is the senior pastor out of Durant. Okla.He has 1 church 7 lociations. We go to one here in Brownwood.Go on the web and check out www.dsheriff.org Good luck & God Bless
J. G

Maybe get a cabin for the weekend if you have somebody that can watch the kids. It sounds like you two need to find that common bond that you lost and the friendship that you are both ignoring because of differences and the busy lifestyles. Just something that I would do. Let him enjoy fishing if that is what he like to do and join him. Then do the love notes in the cabin when he is taking a shower or something. Then it is your enjoyment time together. Maybe go out dancing or shopping at the local shops.....together. It sounds like you both just need to get away from the every day boring life.

My husband loves golf, so I go with him to enjoy it with him. And then I try to have fun doing it. He lets me drive the cart to stifle my boredom, and I even tried to play a bit. It's just about spending time together.

It's about compromise & meeting him halfway...and the same with him, too. We like different movies, so whoever got to pick the movie then the other picked the restaurant...and vice-versa.

If you want it to work, then it will.

The greatest gift you can give your chidren is to love each other. So -- you need to set aside time for each other at least once a month for a (date) and in-between just time , maybe even just taking a walk with each other . And Yes you can do something each other likes whether you like it or not, that is part of loving someone. Who knows you may end up likeing what each other likes. But one time, you may do what he likes, and the next time something he does, but of course it would be great to find something you both enjoyed. If you don't start (working) at the marrage it could start to have trouble, and down the road what misery would that be for you both much less the kids, and if you change partners, in a few years the same (stale-ness) may come in. So work on this, and if you both work and have that many children to take care of you can't expect (excitement ) all the time, there will be shall we say the daily grind with working and raising a family that is normal, and have nothing to do with each other. Can't you just enjoy each others company and not be (doing) something special sometimes and if you just mention how much you appreciate each other, and am glad to have each other sharing your life and the kids, that puts a little spark back in right there. I would think it would be great to have the same job hours , so you could share family times at supper, getting the kids off to bed etc. I can't imagine having any time for each other at all if you have different work hours and that many kids. Give and take, and priority straight, for better or worse, so to speak, as it is unrealistic to think everyday will be all peaches and cream if you are by yourself or with 50 different people. Life is just not exciting everyday. If you both think each other is a great person, be so grateful and just figure out ways to work on it.

are you making date nights a priority? yes kids deserve your time, but your marriage does too. as for every day stuff, start by having simple conversations, especially with busy work schedules. for instance, hubby is into business/world politics/some sports. do i care about them? not a bit. but do i bone up on them so we have something to talk about? absolutely! he does the same for stuff for my fave subjects.

Go with your date nights even if it is just dinner. Stop and talk and listen. Try not to talk about kids or schedules. Try to get to knwo each other again. Remember, people do change...all the time. They either accept each others changes and embrace them or they push apart. Give it a whirl to get to know each other again. You both are not the same people who met 8 years ago. Always say you tried!

L.,
I truly understand your position,but your last statement concerns me. I say this because it seems as though you don't want to really find a common ground. Marriage is about give and take right? So why not try spending sometime with your husband doing something he likes to do. It may not be your first choice or any choice of yours, but if it makes him happy you may find that you can just enjoy being with him rather than the activity at hand. If he is not asking you to robb a bank or anything immoral, give in. Then maybe the next time you guys can do something you like. It is very important that you guys take the time to spend with each other if only a once a month "Date Night".
The enemy is busy when it comes to destroying marriages. Please don't stand by and allow yours to be a casualty. You have to fight for your marriage and your family. There is no such thing as "If it's meant to be it will be". If you truly believe that it is what God intended for you then act like it and fight. Good and Healthy marriages don't just happen. You may have to dig deep to find what brought you two together, but I promise you it will all be worth it if you two really want this relationship to work.
The real truth is that we all do exactly what we want to do. If we put it in our heads to really do something, we do just that. Sweety it will work if you all work it!
Be Blessed.

I agree with a lot of the other post about Fireproof - there is a movie, there are books and a lot of churches are doing studies/course on it.
My church also has a marriage enrichment night (I think it is getting ready to break until next fall), here is the website http://rockwall.lakepointe.org/FamilyEnrichment/support.aspx They also have counceling and Bible study that focus on marriage.
Almost everything says it is good to spend alone time at least once a month, best once a week. Our problem has been finding someone to watch our kids. You can take turns on plaining date night or picking where to go...
Good luck

If you plan on trying to save your marriage then yes you do need to at least put an effort into what both of you like. If he likes sports, then catch a game with him someday. If you like something else then he should deal with it once in a while, it's called compromise. If you have to go camping with the kiddos for kid time, then make it romantic also- picnic or roasting starburst LOL.My husband and I go through the same things sometimes as many couples probably do. If you have gotten to the point that you or your husband don't want to even try, then it may be pointless, ya'll have to want to last for ever. For better or worse remember... If ya'll are willing my husband bought a book based on the movie "Fire Proof" it's called THE LOVE DARE.. Try it out, it seems to put things into prospective for him. I wish the best for you guys, marriage is hard. NEVER give up.....

"Comfort Zone" is a dangerous term to use in marriage. Get out and try something new - that's what makes the 'us' time more memorable. I have been married to the same man for almost 19 years and I used to think that as long as he was happy - I was happy. I couldn't have been more wrong because he was thinking the same thing. Plan an out-of the norm evening - bowling or shooting pool. You really get to know him when he is out of the comfort zone and can show you off to others! P.S. Wear something different than your norm!!

Well it's true that you might not be able to "just start liking something" because your husband does, but you can come to a compromise. For instance, I hate anything Sci-Fi and don't really like action-adventure movies. Because of that I would have never chosen to go see I Am Legend, but because my husband wanted to see it, I went. I really didn't want to go and during dinner I even complained of a headache, but I just went because it was something he really wanted to see. I actually liked it. It's one of my favorite movies. We have 5 girls and I have one step son so we see a lot of chick flicks, but occassionally I'll go with my husband and step-son to see a really bad movie. I don't do it for the enjoyment, I do it to show I'm a team player.
I have to tell you in case someone missinformed you, marriage is about a LOT of compromise. I do things I don't want to do all the time but I feel like I get that back in return. If you are both willing to give a little you might be surprised like I am on occassion and actually like something your husband likes!

You and your husband should watch the movie Fireproof. There are many churches going through the study right now but you could do it on your own too. It has helped many people including me remember why I got married and why I love my husband. It has drawn us closer together as well. I will pray for you and hope that it will turn out ok

I agree with watching the movie "Fireproof" with your husband. It sounds silly but it did wonders for me and my husband. I followed it up by doing "The Love Dare" as seen in the movies and it made all the difference in the world in our marriage. We used to argue all the time and we haven't had a real argument since I did The Love Dare which was around 5 months ago.

Ok. I have also been married for 8 years and also have 5 kids. It is a hard job for my husband and i to find time for one another. We often do not even go out to eat together, and like you, weekends are the kid's time. But here is what we do... Clean the house together, play card games, work in the yard. We also make sure that when the kids are in bed we are in the same room together(even if it means watching a dumb t.v.show). That way we can at least touch one another. We miss each other when we go days without spending time together. It is a bit of a give and take. Sometimes one way show your man that you are still "into him" is to do something that he likes to do. That does not mean you have to do it all the time or even like it. (i hate to play chess, but i do it because it gives my husband and i time together.)so, give something you don't like to do a try. It may just make you happy.

I agree with Michelle K about the book, His Needs, Her Needs. It's an excellent book and one chapter has a quiz that you and your husband can take that rates different activities and how well you would enjoy them. You may be surprised how much you do have in common, but you just haven't tried that activity before. My husband and I found that out. If you are a praying woman, I recommend simply praying for your marriage. It's so simple yet we often don't do it. And of course, God wants you to have a happy marriage. I started this a few months ago when I was having a pity party that I didn't have the blissful marriage I envisioned. So I started praying for it. Is every day blissful? No, but it has been greatly improved and I find I'm more satisfied and in love with my husband when I regularly pray for that.

It sounds like you're focusing on a symptom rather than the issue. If you and hubby are connected emotionally it won't matter what you're doing together.

Set a aside a 3 hr date on the calendar each week without the kids. At night after they go to bed if necessary. If y'all don't get reconnected then kids won't have their Mom AND Dad together. Yuk!

It dosen't have to be a big deal. Go for a walk, a drive, or sit at the coffee shop together. When you start making time for each other and making time tgether a priority you won't feel so much like you don't have anything "in common."

You need to make date night a priority, even if it's just an evening together after the kids are in bed. You can make dinner together and eat late. My husband always jokes b/c he and I don't have a lot of common interests. But we do make a point to compromise on what we do together. For example, for my birthday I really wanted to go see a movie of my choice (a chick flick), so that's what we did. For Valentine's Day, I walked around a car show for 5 hours b/c he loves that stuff! It's more about spending time together, not what we do.

Just like every individual grows and changes so does each marriage. As other posters have given you good ideas you have to be willing to give or bend 50 to 80 percent sometimes to get things to work. I was once told that marriage is sometimes 90 to 10 depending on the time and situation. You both took a vow of for better or for worse and now you two have to work on how to make it better. Start small with little love notes in the luchbag or box and then a nightie. Making time for yourselves is priority one over and above the kiddos who WILL leave home because if you are not a loving couple there is no family. Remember it didn't take a day to get to this point and it won't take a day to get back on track but it can and will work. Invest in yourselves and it will all work with work. The other S.

I just wrote this on another site.........go to MARRIAGE ENCOUNTER. It is put on by the Assembly of God but its for church or non-church people. Its not to push a doctrine. We just went and it was a life changing experience. The next one is in JUNE and its only $75.00. It was the best weeked of our marriage.

I don't have any advice, but I read everyone else's advice. I am not in an "affair proof" marriage right now (me, not him) and I put Fireproof movie on hold for me to pick up after work. We are starting marriage counseling next Thursday, so hopefully things will get better. Although we also do not have much in common, his anger has pushed me away emotionally and sexually for years, hence the reason I have been tempted by others :(

You two need to spend weekly time together. You don't have to go to the movies or listen to music, but you need to court each other again. Go to the park and walk around and starta asking him questions. "What is your favorite color? food? music? What are some hobbies you like to do?" etc. Get to know each other again. You don't have to fall in love instantly- take it slow, but it is vital you do it EVERY WEEK!!!!! It will be the best thing for your children! Take time to write a quick note for him in the morning, telling him why you are thankful for him or jotting down a favorite memorey.
Do something just for him that he won't expect-. You don't have to like the same things. My husband and I have different tastes in almost everything, but we love spending time together! We have been married for 10 yrs and there are still rough patches, but when we see them, we hold tighter to one another and get through it.
Hive him a hug before you go to work- a real hug, and make sure you give him one everytime you see him. It is amazing what a hug can do. It will take a while, but soon you will realize that your marriage is worth it and it will be stronger and your family will be stronger because you were willing to fight for it!
don't give up!
God Bless!
~C.

Linsay,

You have received a lot of excellent advice. I would simply add two things. If you follow the recommenadtions of all these wonderful, loving ladies, and still feel like things aren't working, please consider marriage counseling. Ask your pastor for a recommendation for an excellent one (or call local churches if you're not a member--they deal with these problems all the time and will have an idea of who is really good). Ask specifically for one that works well with guys. They often feel attacked in therapy, but a good one will engage them constructively. We had a bad bump in our marriage many years ago, and the male therapist we went to had such a sense of humor and gentleness that neither of us got defensive (much).

If you still feel at odds, please look at those adorable chilren of yours. They need you to stick it out. Your stepkids have already had one tremendous loss in their original family. Divorce changes who they are and how they relate to others irrevokably.

I'll be praying for your family! May God bless you richly and shower you with His love!

Take turns planning date night.

You can approach it one of three ways:

1. The other person gets to pick whatever they want to do - if the other person likes it or not. (This opens the door to new things for the one not planning... it can make you realize that you DO like some other things!)

2. The other person has to plan a date around what they THINK the other would like... with no input from the spouse they are planning for. (This makes them really think about their spouse, but can really go south if the other person has NO CLUE what their spouse enjoys.)

3. Do things you neither have tried before. Paintball? Laser tag? Picnic by Farmer's Market? etc. etc. etc...

Good luck! This can be really fun!

L., I know some of your frustration. My husband and I have very little in common, as far as music, theater/musicals, books, etc. But we have found ourselves enjoying time talking about politics, which we DO have in common, as well as spiritual matters, which we share common beliefs AND helps us discuss our kids and family and how to better our relationship.

Do you have anyone to watch your kids? It sounds like you could use a weekend get-away or even just a night out together. :) Maybe even just having some couple time in the evenings (even if it's only 20 mins.)...maybe give each other a massage or make some popcorn and watch a show or movie together. If you can get someone to watch your kiddos for the night, get a hotel room and spend some fun together or out on the town. My husband got a room for a weekend once, and we took our kids and had a GREAT time! It was just nice to be out of the house, where we could see everything that needed to be done, and just relax together. We got to go swimming and just have fun. It was great!
Not to get too personal, but what about vamping up your sex life with a new "outfit"? :) Go shopping for one together, if you like and he's willing. Or, have him surprise you with a new one. :D It is a special time and bond between you two, so live it up! Enjoy each other and your time together.
Okay, so now that you're probably blushing, (lol) I hope you find comfort and relief soon. Life is too short not to enjoy it; so, go...enjoy! :)