Need Some Input

What you are feeling is perfectly normal and not so unique. I dealt with the same thing when my kids were little, except my husband hunted and fished all the time. We have been married 22 yrs now and I have to say when the kids are little it is the worst. Alot of it has to do believe it or not to hormones. Women at that age are all about the home and nesting and raising the kids and the man's testosterone is at an all time high and they are about being out in the world and trying to make it big. When you are about 45- 50 it all switches. Women are ready to get out there and do something and men want you to stay home and watch tv with them on the couch. Cruel trick.
I have done counseling (alone) for a year and a half and it has helped alot. Wish I had done it years ago. I would have strongly recommend it. Also girl friends are essential. Men can not fill all of our needs.
It is worth working on and keeping together. He does need to be made more aware of your feelings and the kids need more time and interaction with him. A good counselor willhelp you figure out how to make that happen,
Good luck.

i can relate to you Traci and i feel for you. it is a very difficult situation you're in. my husband works shift work and commutes everyday to work so hes gone about 16 hours a day/night. at this time i had just given birth to my secon daughter. Life with just one was rather difficult for me and adding to our family was not the best choice at that time i quickly learned. my husband began to spend his time away from work at bars that hosted poker games and would get home at 6pm only to leave for poker before 7pm and arrive home again between 2 & 3am intoxicated and annoying. i resented him leaving all the duties of being a full time mom to 2 daughters under 1 1/2 yrs old, full time wife and housekeeper and full time employee. it was very tiring and i soon learned to do w/out him. My two biis of advice for you are 1. do not add to your family right now, i know it seems a bit harsh but the reality is children esp babies require so much of us and right now you do not have any support from your husband. 2. consider ALL the options including counciling and definetly communicate to him how you feel and what you would like your relationship to be. dont wait though bcus like you said as women we grow accustomed to doing things on our own and you may very well not want to salvage a relationship where you no longer want to be. Best wishes and god bless you.

Whoa! What is it that you want? Do you want a closer marriage? Are you wanting out? What do you need from him? Yes, I have been there done that. I also had a baby and really wanted my marriage and family. But, he was unwilling - I stuck it out for 13 years total then called it quits. I had a few conditions - fidelity, no secrets, and a commitment - and he did not follow through on those. Everybody's needs are different, however, and other women may have chosen to stay. And that is fine - you just need to decide what you want. Looking back on my marriage, the problems were there from the beginning, and the lack of resolve on the other half to fix them was also evident. But I was married and committed and felt I had to give it 110% prior to divorce, and so that's what I did. My prayers are with you. Luckily I found a job that allowed me to afford to be a single mom - I may have waited longer if I couldn't afford it. Do what you need to do for the sake of your mental health - because your daughter is depending on you.

Trace I've been where you are now and if you truly love your husband than you must open back up the line of communication and find a way to rekindal the fire that was once there. I married my childhood sweetheart and we have 3 beautiful young adults and after 28 years of marriage (30 plus years including dating), unfortunately we recently divorced. He would work 12/14 hours and I would work 10/12 hour days, he would spend his off time in the study behind closed doors and I would be in the living room or bedroom watching t.v., and we rarely went to bed, ate dinner, went to a movie, or did anything together privately or publically. So Sweetie don't let this happen to you. Take the initiative, plan a date, weekend get-aways, write him a love letter, have a nice warm bubble bath ready for him when he come home after a long day of work, etc., I'm sure you get the picture. Fight for your marriage if you truly love him. I will be praying for you and your family!

Sweetie-marriage is a lot of work and I completely understand and I have been there. For the two of you to grow apart is natural but not healthy. The best advice I was given was for me to remember the man I fell in love with-the things we did together like movies we watched, our favorite restaurant, reading the paper together, ect. You need to sit down with your man and tell him you are missing that connection, you know how busy and hectic his life is and you don't want to add to that stress but your relationship needs some time and care to thrive. Because people change and our needs change it is so important for you two to get connected. Even if it's only snuggling for 5 minutes on a Saturday morning. You have to schedule the time into your calendars, find something fun to do and make it a "date". Remind him you are partners and you are committed to helping him with his movie as you are committed to all of his life dreams. Your independence is learned over time and it has served you well to keep you from getting too lonely. You still need your dreams-just for you- to work on. But a relationship that is not fed will wither from lack of attention. If all you can manage right now is to hold his face in your hands and tell him you love him and he is your world- then do that every single day. Your daughter will also benefit from seeing you and daddy hug. Try to keep the lines of communication open-not to gripe and complain on either part but to share and laugh as much as possible. Above all else, don't give up! As far as your passive-agressive tendencies-I suggest a journal. It's a great way to vent and let off steam-then keep it put away because you might not want it read.

Hi Traci,

First I just wanted to say that it sounds like you are on the right track. Congratulations! I think Marriage is a long journey and you just have to keep trying to rediscover each other to keep it interesting! One other thing- I have noticed if we start becoming distant- I CHANGE the way I do things and I MAKE more effort- and my hubby seems to do the same for me. Being a mother takes alot out of you- and I bet you do not realize how much your life revolves around your daughter when it used to be all about hubby.... My son is 16 months old so I am right where you are- and I stay at home too!

The best of luck to you- the most important thing is that you have recognized it- and you are being proactive! and yes Fireproof is an amazing movie :)

God Bless!

so sorry you are feeling the way you are but I do understand it. You have alot of hard questions to ask yourself. Do you love your husband? Do you want to make this marriage work?

Go to the library or local book store and get the book His Needs Her Needs, By Dr. Harley. Great book on how to restore a connection to each other. Talk to your husband if you havn't already done so and be honest with yourself and him. Also, stay away from the TV and start doing things together without the child as well as a family.

In marriage we all get to a point sometimes of comfort and take each other for granted. This isn't good.

Also, Go to marriagebuilders.com

There are alot of tools there to help you and your husband make a strong marriage.

I wish you all of the best and hope this helped

I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm an EMT and work 24-48 hours at a time and my husband is in the Navy and is gone to other countries for 6 months of the year. Leaving me to do everything concerning every aspect of our lives. He also has one of those fly by night tempers. Where the only way they know how to do is yell and what not. There are times even still that we are very disconnected and he's been stateside for a little over a year. What I have found that does seem to work is having sometime outside of the home without the kids. Actually going out to dinner and having conversation about something other than the house is hard to do but it needs to be done. I would also suggest that there is not work on ANYTHING after a certain time or on certain days of the week. He needs to make some family time. I hope things get better for you, but it is a work in progress. Believe me I'm still working at it.

I dont want to sound wierd, but when I was reading your description of what seems to be your day to day...it is soooo very familiar. the only real differences are that me and my husband have been married almost 4 years and we have been together 8 years...I have a boy and you have a girl..My husband is out of work and I have 2 jobs. I can say that only that applies to me that marriage has been a real tough time. I thought being with the man that I loved would be real different and often feel like I had made a mistake. But then I think at my little boy and would not trade that for the world. I really want to make things work for my sons sake and also for my sake. I grew up in divorced home and it was horrible. My husband and I have been around and round with" what will happen now?" We say things in the heat of the moment and sometimes in front of the little one(which I have now put a stop to,as of yesterday) It is so crazy how this directly realates to my present day..and I am sure to several others also, so you are not alone. I can say that I am taking it one day at a time and feeling the waters..I have been directed to make a decision...I hate to say it but, try and do things that make you happy and everything else will fall into to place. I am no longer on the back burner..my son is first, I am 2nd and my husband is not longer on the burner. Include him when he shows that he wants to be a part of your life. Try and keep your confidence up and have faith that God will do what is right for you. Men are children and will be for a long time...even secretly, they want what they want and if they dont get it, they are unhappy...ugh! Let him know that respect and love are two things you will not live without. Have you ever heard"If momma aint happy, aint nobody happy"... That actually still holds true...good luck and keep your chin up,....things will get better...life is stressful, there is a happy medium, just try and find it for the both of you.

You sound a lot like me. I have also been married 5 years and we have been together for 12. We have a 2 year old daughter and I am a stay at home mom too. I think it might have something to do with how long we have been together and not making it a priority to make time for each other. My husbands line of work is with computers and I feel like when he gets home he should not want to be on the computer and he should want to spend time with me. Not the way he sees it. He is on it all the time. I also think that with us being stay at home moms we get disconnected from who we used to be. I don't know about you, but I feel like I have changed so much. I don't remember the old me. Just try to talk to him about it and let him know how you feel. Keep the lines of communication open at all times. Try to have date nights (I know that is very hard) I will check back so I can get some ideas of my own. Good luck girl!!

Having kids and less free time can put strain on a relationship, and sometimes it takes a little effort to get back on track. I think it is pretty normal but if you want things to change and not coast or get worse you might have to put some work into it.

You may want to schedule some "date nights" and hire a baby-sitter, and get away from tv, computer, friends etc. so you have a chance to talk and reconnect or do something together.

You can plan stuff with your daughter too- have a weekly no tv/computer day, and do something as a family even if it is just to take a walk around the neighborhood or park with your daughter in the stroller. Or have dinner by the playground at Central Market one Friday night and eat dinner and listen to music.

ETA: I just read your update. It's great that you are supportive of your husband's goals/career, but If your husband is breaking stuff, and cussing and yelling in front of your daughter when angry you have bigger problems. I would probably hold a grudge too if my husband did that!

To help him change his bad habits he will probably need professional help, and I strongly recommend counseling for both of you. He needs to learn how to express his anger appropriately. Even if he doesn't want to change and refuses to go to counseling, try to find a good counselor for yourself. I hope this helps.

Hi traci,
You know, this can be an issue that needs some professional help.
One thing I would suggest is that you get out more- meet some new folks- create a "girls club" or something- establish some of your friends and re establish your self esteem. This will help you have a more open attitude- stay away from the TV- especially the daytime shows like Oprah or Dr. Phil- they seem to sensationailize peoples issues and lifes problems cannot be solved in a 30 minute segment.
It sounds to me like he is a little selfish- but most men are......when he sees you are creating a "happy" life for yourself he will want to be a part of it..............
If he will let you take more of a part in his "career move" do that...no matter how small........ifit is not to your liking then don't, but in any event- build your life around you and your baby...and develop more friends of your own that you enjoy spending time with.
It is a difficult situation but so many women do go thru this- it is an old saying that most marriages have "critical" milestones- the 5 yrs- then again at 10 yrs- and usually at 5 yr entervals there are issues- My husband and I have been married for 43 years and it has not always been "blissful" but we managed to work thru some issues. the most important thing is that you don;t let yourself get down- stay true to your feelings and get out more with your friends-----not so much to party- or have dinner all the time but just for the companionship. Your daughter will start needing more of your time as she gets a little older and more charming so find things to do with her to expand her horizons and you will also be happier. Your happiness depends on you and not your spouse- if he want to share in your happiness- great- but if not- you just be happy.
You might try getting involved with a church group where there are lots of activities that will take you out of the house and not cost you a lot of money either. Just have fun- enjoy your child and enjoy your life.............and always remember "this too shall pass".
Good luck and Blessings

It is a fact that all relationships go through experiences where at least one of the person in the relationship feels disconnected. I know i went theough a similar thing. What I did was to analize my situation and the reasons that i was in the realtionship, I also had to be very honest with myself and ask myself if I had spoken out about how I was feeling. In one word I had to accept my responsibility of where my rellationshipwas heading. I knew that I only had contro of what I did and of what I felt So when the time was right for me, I spoke out. I told him exactly how I felt. I told him that I was falling out of love and that his lack of commitment to the relationship did not help. I wanted to know how he felt, and I wanted him to be honest because I was prepared to hear whatever he wnated to say. I also told him that I needed his honesty because I had to figure out what course my life was going to take. Now as I am writing this to you, I want you to kbnow that before I had spoken to him I had mentally prepared myself for different scenaeios, and what would be the deciosions I would make depending on thethings he would tell me.i was clear that I did not want to be in a relationship if he did not love me anymore, I also knew that if he thought we had hope and maybe we could work this out. I was also committed not to cheat myself and not let words just be words,that if he had to work in our realtionship it had to be done with actions. I was very honest with him and i told him that I was not going to stay in this realtionship if he was not committed to make it work. I think the worst thing is doing nothing and waiting for things just to work out by themselves. Talk to him and be honest of how you feel.

Sounds like we're in the same boat, but I'm the one who has become distant with my husband. It doesn't bother me, but it bothers him. He tries talking to me, and I end up getting upset. I don't want to hear what he has to say. Then, I feel bad about it. Not sure, what's going on with me. I changed when I got pregnant, and still feel the same towards him. I love my husband, he's a GREAT father, but I lost my desire to be with him. We talked about seeing a marriage counselor, but we have not gone through with it. I feel obligated to be with him. We've been going through this for about 7 yrs. now.

There is a lot of great advice already out there, so I won't repeat too much of it. I will say, that I also agree that Fireproof is a MUST see for all married couples. (Acting is not so great, but the message sure is!) I could go on for days about how upset I was, but what I discovered is that when I made the effort and worked to remember what I loved about him, I felt better. He never changed. I did, just by forcing myself to reflect on the good. Fireproof worked so well, that I bought the book Love Dare that goes with the movie and it really has made a huge difference!

Traci-
I started this once and it deleted on me..LOL
My husband and I have been married 11 years and together have 2 sons of our own and have adopted his cousins 2 children. My husband is a "gamer" which means that he sits up all night connected to the Xbox 360 live ( on the ineternet) and plays. Come morning when its time to get all the kids off to school you can not stir him. Dont get me wrong my husband is a wonderful father and very devoted to his job. BUT- we went thru the disconnetion and trying to figure out how to rekindle the love that we had. It takes time. ALOT of time.
We thought of divorce a few times and finally figured out that we can not live without the other. So we made a pack to spend as much time together in the evenings that we could and that the game does not come on til I am asleep. It is working quite well and we still have our "romance" time too.
I hope that you and your husband find a solution that fits you!

you really really need to go to coucle together. i suggest a male. men are more apt to listen to a man about these topics. i also suggest a christian based therapy. good luck. yes it can get better if you both work hard at it. this is only a slump but if you let it become a mountian thats what it will be.

Hi Traci~

I think all of us feel that way at one point or another in our marriage. I have recently been feeling the exact same as you have. I have felt like we were living two seperate lives. Yesterday I got a new movie in from Netflix called "Fireproof". It has Kirk Cameron in it. This is an ABSOLUTE MUST SEE for ALL married couples. It completely opened up the line of communication between my hubby and I after we watched it. We stayed up until early this morning talking about our problems and trying to work them out.

Good luck! Just don't give up trying!