Help! Marriage Issues.

This is the part where people bail. All the time.
Having a baby changes EVERYTHING!
It's not really about you OR him right now. It's about your son.
Things change. Responsibilities change. Priorities change.
A good marriage should be able to shoulder through the change.
Some do, some don't.
But don't confuse "different" or "changed" with "over" or "done"!

You may have experienced post parTum depression. If YOU feel depressed, not yourself, hopeless, etc definitely talk to your doctor about it. You can get help.

But I think you are experiencing the end of the "butterflies and rainbows" of a kid-free life. And adjusting to being a parent. More responsibility. Less freedom.

However, it does take some effort for a marriage to work. Make time for your husband, do a date night once every 2 weeks if you can swing it, etc.

Good luck to you!

Marriage will have its ups and downs....You both have not made the effort to keep the flames burning...Yes its tough when you start a family. Go on dates together and rekindle the intimacy. Also, some marriage counseling can give you tools on how to cope during the peaks and valleys. This is normal. Hang in there.

You need to put your marriage first. Get a babysitter now and then and you two go out and catch a movie or have dinner or do something, anything. Your child needs to see that mom and dad enjoy each other, you cant put your child first over your husband all the time. It wears you out and you grow apart. If you start doing things "together" again, you WILL have things to talk about. You have to do things in order to make memories. Even if you just go for a drive together and park and relax without the baby with you, its a start.
Women are the ones that control the relationship in many aspects. Start calling some shots. You are sounding eager to do something because you are bored out of your skull, and that makes you not fun to be around.
Put on your thinking cap and plan a few things... and then stuff hubby in the car and just "do it"!

Go out on a date! Babies are tough! They take all your time and energy and can easilty leave you without time and energy for each other. You have to make time for eachother. Ask a relative or a friend or hire a babysitter and go out! Do soemthing together.

My husband and I do not go out often enough. Life is so busy and money is tight and we already ask my parents to watch the kids more often than we like. But we know it's important, so we work hard to make it a priority.

One of my dad's favorite sayings was, "The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." I didn't get it at the time, but now that I have my own kids, boy do I get it.

Not every marriage is going to work out, but if you want to do whatever you can to make it work, find a way to spend more time together.

You both need to regain confidence in one another again. Give him a list of everything you like about him and read them to him. Have him give you a list of everything he likes about you and have him read it to you. Don't compare if one list is longer than the other (in other words, the list you write may be longer than the list he writes)

Tell him you want things to be better and intimate, but its hard for you b/c your body and mind have changed since the baby. Ask him if he'll work with you on both of you getting back on the road to intimacy.

Please realize I am a man and my comments are from a man's perspective. I am NOT telling you to be a sex slave and forget your needs. That being said . . .

I'm so very sorry you are having a hard time right now. A new baby can put a strain on a marriage. Men look at the marriage relationship differently than women do. He probably feels that the baby has become your reason for living and that you choose the baby over him. (It looks like you have done this to me, NOT out of malice, but out of ignorance of what to do to handle your changed situation.) AND, get failure (divorce)out of your mind.

When you "got to the point of not desiring intimate time" with your husband you were telling him, by your actions, that the baby comes first and you (husband) don't matter to me (his wife). Just remember, he was there first, and if you work it right, he will be there last after the kids are married and gone.

Read the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." It will give you great incite in how to deal with your husband and probably how he feels and get your marriage back on track.

Regardless of how much the house needs to be cleaned or the dishes need to be done or the clothes need to be taken out of the dryer and put away, GET A NAP. Every time your baby goes down for a nap, you drop everything and take a nap until you get caught up on your sleep and energy. If your baby is one of those that DEMANDS to be carried and you can't stand to hear him cry when you put him down, get a front or back baby carrier. It frees up your hands so you can do things while you carry him around. I've used the front and back carriers many times to appease one baby or another and a few times I had a baby in the front carrier and a toddler in the back carrier at the same time. On rare occasions, my wife would use a front carrier to nurse while she did something with her hands.

I suspect your husband is on the computer to keep his mind off you, especially after you turned him down repeatedly. I suspect he doesn't talk to you any more because intimacy is on his mind and he uses silence as a coping mechanism. The same thing for why he goes to bed so much later than you. He has to become almost exhausted before he can get to sleep to overcome his desire for you. He is trying to support your "hands off" attitude.

You can play pool and games with a baby in a front carrier. You can go camping with a baby. It requires more planning, but it can be done. Show your husband that you care and can do almost all of the things you used to do. I still remember when my wife put our son in a front carried and we danced together, a slow dance.

If you have any questions, please feel free to e-mail me.

I think this happens to everyone at some point. Just think of the things that made you fall in love/attracted you to him and focus on those things. It is tough raising a family and trying to budget your time for everyone but it can be done. Is it possible to rest during the day so you can stay up a little later with him? Tell him about your day and what your son did that day and ask him what happened at work or talk about the news. Going to talk to someone can help a lot. If you can rent the movie "Fireproof" it really makes you stop and think and learn how to appreciate your spouse. Hange in there and good luck.

I think EVERY marriage goes through a period like this. We have been through it a few times ourselves. The thing is you have to decide to change it. If you aren't talking to each other then you don't know what is going on in each others minds. He may stay up late because he feels like that is his time to unwind, you go to bed early because if you don't you are exhausted the next day. Really it has nothing to do with how you feel about each other. I say sit down and have a frank discussion. If you can find a sitter and start making date nights. Go and do things that you used to love to do or find something new that you can do together. It's all about finding balance between baby and marriage. If you can't seem to get a conversation going, then you might get a marriage counselor that will help you discuss things in an non-confrontational way. Good luck to you, and rest assured you aren't the only one to go through this.

I'm going to guess your son is over a year old an old enough to do some things with you that you used to enjoy as a couple. That being said it still takes work. I have 4 kids, but only 1 with my husband and since our relationship started with the big kids being a part of it, they didn't have the same effect that the baby has had. I stay home, I'm up at 645 with the baby, clean up the house, get the big kids up, cook breakfast, homeschool them, have lunch ready for when hubby comes home from work on break (only instead of getting to catch up with him the baby is generally crabby and I'm in need of a shower, or 5 minutes to pee alone, and of course hubby missed his son) then it's more cleaning, more baby care, homework for me (i'm working on my degree) and starting dinner. All in some (futile) hope that everything will be done when hubby gets off work and we can actually spend some time together.

Only thing is by the time dinner is over and cleaned up the kids want family time, the baby needs to get to bed, and I'm so beat I just want to relax and of course hubby had a long work day and wants some time too. So he sits on his computer and i go up to bed alone and we do it all over again the next day.

It takes so much work and a lot of times that work seems to be for nothing, even when we do things as a family, with 4 kids we don't get to enjoy it together as a couple. We used to be a great team but now it seems like we can't do anything together because someone always has to have the baby (and since he's not handy, and can't even use the bathroom if he's alone with the baby, I feel stuck doing it ALL)

That being said I think it's normal. Relationships go through periods of time when things are rough and the flame dies, unless you go out of your way to keep things alive. talk t your husband, see if you can't get on the same page about a compromise to fix things. My hubby is a nightowl and I obviously can't be anymore, but since he likes to stay up anyways we agreed that after the baby goes to bed (between 730-830) that he will spend time with me until I go up to bed (10 or 1030). Or if I need/want to sit on my computer or whatever he comes up when i go to bed and we lay there and talk like we used to, about whatever stupid stuff comes to mind and then i go to sleep and he comes back downstairs. And we've done bigger things, once a month or so we get a movie and after the kids are in bed we curl up on the couch together, like when we used to date, or we get a sitter and go to dinner, and a lot of times we even take the baby and run errands together, just so I'm not feeling trapped alone (or with the kids) at home. But again it's something we both saw was happening and we FORCE ourselves to try.

And I may be off base, but chances are you don't much like your husband right now. You may feel used or under appreciated, maybe there is some resentment there ( i know I feel all these things often enough) but if you can deal with some of those feelings the intimacy comes back.

You need to make your husband your priority for the good of your baby. You need to have a good relationship with your husband as a model for your child!! You need to make time for your husband. Start treating him like your boyfriend again. Stay up late with him like you used to. Doesn't have to be EVERY night, and it doesn't have to be necessarily as long as he stays up, but if you are going to bed as soon as you get the baby down, and the stuff that you need to get done done, I can understand why he is feeling disconnected. Actually, you are both feeling disconnected. It is good that he is communicating with you, and since he is and you know how he is feeling, you need to do something to fix it. When I say you, I don't mean just YOU - I mean both of you. You need to sit down and let him know that he IS a priority for you. When was the last time that you told him how much you appreciated him? Or met him at the door after a long day with a kiss?? Do you make his lunch?, put a little love note in there every once in a while! It really is the little things ~ Just telling him "You DA MAN" when he has done something great at work or around the house goes a long ways!! Men are different than women. I would suggest reading the book Love and Respect. It is a wonderful book with great insight into what you both need from your relationship. I read the book, my husband didn't, but just me reading the book and understanding a little bit more about him helped our relationship emensely. I think it is really easy to get into our routine with the kids and forget that our husbands need our encouragement and attention as well. I wish you the best!!

This is actually quite common after a couple has a baby.
A baby changes everything.
Mom puts her focus on the baby and often dad feels left out or at the least, less important. It happens.
It takes work to put the focus back on the marriage. It takes work to communicate with each other.
You need to talk to your husband and be willing to listen as well. Make a point of doing something nice every day for each other.
I know you're tired with the baby, but why not stay up a little late with your husband so you can cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie together? Offer him your feet so he can rub them for you. Sit on opposite ends of the couch and rub each other's feet. You can sense there is distance between you. Try to find a way to bridge that distance. I used to put little notes in my husband's pocket knowing he'd find them when he was at work. Little things like that to show affection can go a long way.
You're in a rut and it sounds like you're both aware of it.
Find someone you trust to watch your kid and surprise your husband. Tell him you got a sitter so you can go out for a bite to eat and a game of pool.
It sounds like you just need to reconnect.

I wish you the best.

Lacey:

i'm soooooo sorry you are going through this....

Sounds like you had post pardum depression and it wasn't treated. Sounds like you still have it.

You need to start talking to each other - act like you are dating each other again....you need to ask yourself the hard questions - am I better off with or without him...
try counseling....
Seek the advice of your doctor - the fact that you are not interested in anything screams depression to me. Get HELP! It's OKAY, you are not alone and you can and WILL get better!!!

I think that it's very normal to feel a lack of desire after having a baby. However, that intimate relationship with your husband is so very important. If it has been awhile since we were intimate, I know that I start to feel distant from him. But even when I'm not exactly in the mood, I try to be open to it and let things "happen". It usually doesn't take long until I am "into it" and it REALLY makes me feel closer to him. I feel like our relationship is better in the days following. Maybe things are the same, but I FEEL like we are "one" again. Not to say that you have to be ready and willing every second of the day, because I know that kids and lack of sleep can really wear you out. But try to be open to it at least once or twice a week and I'll bet you will start to feel that "closeness" to him again. Make time for him and let him know that he is still a priority. Men need to feel that as much as we do (if not more). Good luck to you.