47 answers

Don't Know If I Want to Stay in My Marriage

I have been married for almost 4 years and I have not been happy for a while. We have a 1 1/2 year old son who is my pride and joy. My husband is a wonderful person, but I just feel like we've grown apart. He is a great friend, but I just don't feel much beyond a friendship for him anymore. I don't know how this happened. I am not even physically attracted to him anymore. I don't know what to do. He spends a lot of time out in our garage working on his car, which he usually waits until our son is in bed, but that just means that we have no time with each other. It's almost like we are roommates. We work together when it comes to our son, but beyond that we have seperate lives. If I didn't have a son with him, I would have left a long time ago. What can I do? Has anyone gone through this and what did you do about it?
please help!

2 moms found this helpful

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

You have been given very good advice. Having a child is difficult, and things change after having children but if he's a good man, get help. Don't forget to take time to do things together. Go to the movies, have dinner together. My husband and I try to have date night once a month. You need it.

1 mom found this helpful

I feel the exact same way but I stay because of my children...it is the right thing to do....you are better off having an affair than getting divorced but that is just my opinion

You guys need to communicate!! Pick up the book the Five Love Languages and read it together!! Easy read, has help my relationship tremedously!! Good luck....he sounds nice so don't give up yet.

More Answers

My husband and I went through this around year 7. We had two children ages 3 and a newborn. The baby had breathing issues so I was spending alot of time focused on her and keeping my house as clean as possible since she has allergies. I figured my husband could take care of himself whereas the baby could not. My whole world began to revolve around my children. At the same time my husband was starting a new business that had him working long hours. We both drifted apart and became "roomates" like you describe. over the next three years we went through alot of junk and even sat in front of a lawyer drawing up papers. After a break we finally realized that we still loved each other we had just let each other no longer be priorities. So we changed our way of thinking and put each other first and the kids after. It changed a marriage so much and has created a loving legacy for our children to see how a marriage should be. I only wish our own parents had done the same.
All that to say. don't give up. Just make time for each other. Don't take away working on the car from him, but maybe limit it to only a few nights a week. Have a date night once a week. If you can't afford a sitter find another couple with a child the same age and swap baby sitting with them. Also if you can get away for a weekend together without your child that would be great too. You just have to learn to love each other again. Love is a choice not a feeling. You have to get up each day and choose to love your spouse. That new love feeling you had when you first got married fades, but that does not mean you don't love each other it is just a different kind of love. Give it a try, it does not sound to me like you have a good reason to leave.

4 moms found this helpful

In my 5 years of marriage I have definately learned that marriage and love is a choice, not a feeling. With little ones around the house sometimes it is hard to feel the romance, and not just the friendship. I say sit down and have a talk with him, see how he feels. He may not even realize you feel this way. Start getting a babysitter (or a relative) at least once a month. Most the time when we have a babysitter we just end up running errands, but that time alone is still very essential to keeping the relationship alive.

Trust me, getting through this section of life will be well worth it. When you fall in love with him all over again it is so exciting and wonderful. After getting through our first bout like this I now feel like nothing could ever seperate us!!

A book you may want to look at is called "The love dare"

4 moms found this helpful

My Husband also loves his Garage. He stays out there alot. I have found, that sometimes, if I go out there and just sit while he tinkers on his stuff. We have some great conversations. I hand him tools ect..., he talks, I listen, and I talk he listens.
Also Read the book Love Dare. It changed alot of things in my marriage. Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful

The good news is you still like him, consider him a good friend and think he's a wonderful person (helpful with your son, etc.).

First step would be trying to reconnect - either romantically or at least in a grown-up fun way. Having separate interests is great - but you need some one-on-one time to connect as well. Get a sitter (trade-off with a friend if necessary) and schedule a date night. Try to do it routinely (weekly or monthly).

If that doesn't work, consider counseling - but I would definitely try the gentle approach first. You might consider individual counseling at first and, if that doesn't help, consider couples counseling. I'm also personally a big proponent of prayer. Don't give up hope!

You don't have to settle for a "friendly" marriage but it could be a lot worse. He could work on the car instead of helping with your son. It sounds like you have the proper foundation - just need to reconnect or work through a bit of a draught.

Take care!

3 moms found this helpful

You have a little one. Sometimes the romance and passion takes a bck burner. You say that your son is your "pride and joy". You are a good mother, but are you being a good wife, too? have you tried putting your husband first and treating him with a lot of love and respect and kindness? Sometimes it's easy to let that slide with a kid around the house.
Make time for each other and tell him how you feel. After your son is in bed, go out to the garage and tell him you've been feeling lonely in the evenings and you'd like it if you two could spend an hour or two together a few nights per week. Maybe he misses you too and feels like your son is your #1 priority right now?

3 moms found this helpful

Hi there. I see you have already gotten a lot of good advice, but I wanted to offer up my opinion since I have been in your shoes. I divorced my first husband nearly 10 years ago for all the same reasons you listed. Fortunately for us, we did not have any children together.

Here is what I can tell you from my experience. You don't need anything to hang your hat on if you want to leave your marriage. I was always waiting for some bigger reason (ie, he cheated, he was abusive, etc.) but none of those things were an issue. He was a great man. I can honestly not say a bad thing about him to this day. But he just wasn't the right guy for me, and that was enough of a reason to get out. It took me a long time to realize that and come to terms with it. Truth is there are no gold medals at the end of your life for staying married to the wrong man even though you were miserable.

That being said, you want to make sure you have done EVERYTHING in your power to try and fix the marriage. You don't ever want to look back with any regrets, especially since you have a child together. I went through counseling for nearly 2 years before I felt ready to take that step towards divorce. I spoke to my husband in total honesty throughout the process in an effort to heal the marriage. You'd be surprised when you are completely honest with people (in as gentle a way as possible) the amount of honesty they give back to you. I told him my needs and he told me his. We tried all that we could to meet those needs for each other. But in the end, we just weren't those people. We even tried a brief separation for a few weeks where I moved into my parents home. It gave us some great perspective. Anyway, what I am trying to say is don't give up until you have exhausted every possible resource for resolving things. Try counseling, either together or separately or just you on your own, read every book you can find on the subject, get in touch with yourself and your needs, and above all COMMUNICATE with your husband. Tell him the absolute truth about how you feel. All of this will help you on your journey. And in the end if you discover this truly is not the relationship you want for the rest of your life, you'll be able to leave it as a whole person and without any guilt or regrets.

Best of luck to you! And please do keep us posted.

2 moms found this helpful

I can't believe that someone here counseled you to have an affair! You can choose to grow together again or you can get a divorce. You would not be doing your son any favors by cheating on his dad.
If I were you, I would suggest marriage counseling. Marriage goes through easy and tough times, this just happens to be something that will take some work.
We choose to be happy or not. My husband gets more attractive to me every year, but we spend quality time together.

I recommend reading the book "5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Normally I don't recommend relationship books, but in this case it may help.

Good luck to you!

2 moms found this helpful

Have you tried talking to your husband about how you feel?
My husband and I go through periods like that every few months, we are basically roommates. It always helps us to have at least 1 day a week where we have quality time together. It makes the world of a difference in our relationship.

Marriage is hard work and their are lots of up and downs. The important thing is to try hard and do whatever it takes to make it work. Talk to your husband, and if he is willing maybe try counseling.

2 moms found this helpful

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