Two Year Old Daughter Aggressive with 6 Year Old Brother

She is too young to share, but she's not too young to learn that she may not take toys away from others, even if it IS her brother. If you put her in Mother's Morning Out, they would not allow it.

When you have a babysitter one morning, go observe a two year old classroom at a nice daycare or MMO and see how they deal with it. When you see that other two year olds are not allowed to, and how the teachers handle it, this will help.

Julie S. is right in what she is saying, and those who tell you to pick her up and remove her from the play area are too. If you don't show her that she can't, how is she supposed to learn?

it sounds as if you're leaving your 6 year old to cope, and letting her run rampant over the rest of the household. i'm glad he's kind, and glad that you're aware that this could cause him to resent his little sister. so now it's time to mom up and set some boundaries.
if she tries to take his toys, intervene BEFORE she starts to scream. tell her firmly 'no. jackson is playing with that. here are your toys.' and if she melts down, calmly and firmly remove her. your son should not have to be the one to give in, to figure it out, to handle the situation. he has a mom.
2 year olds don't share. they parallel play. don't set her up for tantrums by having your son play with her toys. he has his own, right? but don't make him give her his toys when she gets demanding.
it's okay for her to be 2. being 2 doesn't mean she should get everything she wants when she wants it.
khairete
S.

Why is HE responsible for this? It is YOUR job to teach her that what she is doing is wrong. HE should not be "dealing with her behavior" - you and your husband should. She's not being "aggressive", she's being 2.

It is NOT his job to be nice and cave to her because she's being a 2 year old. Life is NOT ABOUT KEEPING HER HAPPY, it's about teaching her to be a good person. She needs to be corrected BEFORE she screams, and if not before, then as soon as she screams, and by YOU.

There aren't any "strategies" - just when she tries to take his toys, go in there and take it and give it back to him and tell her, "we don't take other people's toys". If you have to put her in a playpen, or in her own room with her toys, do it. And you're going to be doing this a LOT until she gets it. You don't need to yell or anything, just a lot of correct & redirect.

He need to be able to play alone if he wants to. If you have to put a baby gate somewhere so she can't tresspass in his area and you want to be able to hear him.

Find a toy she can play WITH him, but don't demand he play with her all the time. It's not appropriate - they are too far apart in age for him to be her playmate all the time.

As a totally separate aside, but it's important because I saw this over the weekend and it was so not a good dynamic - do NOT make him a "back-up parent" responsible for his siblings. I get that it's easier and nice to have an older sibling "watch" their youngers, BUT the resentment that can build up from this is big. It is not a child's job to be a parent. It's just not fair. They can help, but not BE the active parent - maybe a babysitter when they're a teen, but younger is just not cool.

Stop putting him in the position that it is his choice to share or not. He is six, he shouldn't be parenting his little sister. You need to pick up your daughter and remove her. You are the parent, there is no reason your son should be in this position every day.

Make sure your son understands he has a right to be happy and if that means not sharing all the time, that is fine.

why aren't you intervening? Tell her "Brother is playing with that toy right now, you can play with this one" or whatever. If she still throws a fit, remove her from the situation. It's not the 6 year old's job to teach her not to take things from him, it's yours.

She screams until he breaks down? She sees him with her toys and gets upset and "he has to" drop the toy? He's "trying to keep her happy." That's not going to work. So he's giving in to her tantrums and that just encourages more of them.

She isn't going to share - she's two. She wants what she wants when she sees it. If you can "catch them being good" and comment on how much fun it is when people share and play together, great. But you can't make it happen, you can only compliment them when it does.

So you have to decide - are all toys for sharing, in which case whoever has it keeps it? Or are toys owned by their owners and no one touches them? Either way is okay but stick to it.

If she has a tantrum, you separate her from your son (and from you) so she learns that a tantrum gets her nowhere. He is old enough to walk away from her and go to his room, another area of the house or outside. Teach him to say calmly "I'm not playing with you if you are screaming" and walk away. If she follows, he needs to go to someplace inaccessible or she needs to go to her room and be told she can come out when she's quiet. Give her 2 minutes (she's 2) - bring her out and try again. If she repeats the behavior, she goes back in her room. No yelling and lecturing on your part - just a removal of your attention and presence.

And if she is always getting her way, it's because it's easier for you and your son AT THAT MOMENT. So you're doing what's best for you and not what's best for her. Kids have to learn that they aren't going to get their way in life. You said it yourself, that she is getting spoiled. But also, life is getting spoiled for her because no one else in her life is going to work this way - not the preschool teacher, not the kids at school, not the kids in the neighborhood, not the scout leader or the Sunday school teacher or anyone else. She's not too young to learn that screamers get separated from the crowd. It's a hassle, yes. And it can seem fruitless when you do it 10 times in one day. But it works. You're not helping her long term if you give in now. Imagine when she's a teen and wants the car or a late curfew and just storms around swearing at you until you give in.

Your son is being kind, and that's great. It's always the way to start. So compliment him on it. And do it in front of her. But it's not a disciplinary technique and it doesn't work with a tantrum.

Separate them. I agree with what Suz said. a 2 year old is not emotionally equipped to "play" with a 6 year old. And your 6 year old should not give in to her demands every time she screams (which is encouraging that feedback loop over and over again).

This is a developmental phase. Have you seen the Toddler's Rules for Possession?

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in anyway.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically
becomes mine.

10. If it's broken, it's yours.

But remember: Your 6 year old isn't a toddler and the rules don't apply to him. Let him know that he is absolutely welcome to go play on his own, to keep his stuff on the other side of the gate, and to politely say "no" to her demands.

It's hard, but you have to say no.

Best of luck!

Separate them as much as possible.
When your daughter starts screaming, take her to her room until she is finished (you'll have to stay with her at first until she knows she can't leave until the screaming is done).

A great book or video would be "The Happeist Toddler on the Block" by Harvy Karp. We does a wonderful job of explaining the mindset of a 2 year old, how to reach them when they are upset and fixated on sometime and how to teach them a better way to get what they want.

Her behavior is completely normal for her age; however, now is the time to begin teacher her the proper way to respond.

When she wants whatever her brother is playing with and begins to scream, calmly walk over to her and get her attention. Empathize with her. "You really want this block that Joey is playing with. You want to play with this block." Let her know that you do understand why she's upset. Then show her how to do it. "Suzy, if you want something Joey is playing with, say, 'Joey, can I please play with that block?'" It will be most effective if in the end your son does actually let her play with the toy. Talk to your son ahead of time about this and let him know what you will be doing and that you really need his help in teaching her. Have your son do the same thing if he wants to play with one of her toys.

Right now your son is teaching her that if she screams long enough, he will give in.

"She often wants whatever he is playing with, and will scream until he just breaks down and gives it to her."

"She won't share things with him, and if he plays with her toys she gets upset right away and he just has to drop the toy."

It's important to teach her how to ask nicely. It's not going to happen overnight, but she will get it. And more importantly, you probably do want to put an end to the screaming.

"...he just breaks down and gives it to her."
"...tries to keep her happy..."
"...always getting her way."

These statements show where the issue is. You and your son have taught her the behaviors that work. As long as you are not willing to have her be upset she will continue to do so to get her way. Once you allow for her to be as upset as she wants and stop catering to her fits, she will learn other ways of behaving.

Too often we just want our children to be happy and therefore we attempt to rescue them from any outside experiences that will create any other emotion than happy. Life is full of experiences that will create all kinds of emotions. The key isn't to stop the experiences or the emotions, it is to learn the tools of how to have and express emotions appropriately. We have created a society that tries to ignore emotions rather than to be aware of them and deal with them. There is a great book out called "Emotional Intelligence" that I recommend for every parent.

Also, the book 1-2-3 Magic might be a real life saver for you right now.

I was going to write something, but just re-read Suz's response. Honestly, she is 100% on.

Wow, Suz T said it perfectly, DITTO!

You need to be more firm with her and force her to share her toys with her brother. Tell her, you can play with this for 3 minutes and then it is brother's turn. Then force her to hand it over. If she screams and throws a tantrum just ignore her. Instruct your son to ignore her and to play with the toy and not worry about it...that she has to learn to share. If she wants something of his and it is something she is allowed to play with (not all 6 year old toys are appropriate for a 2 year old) tell her no, her brother is playing with it. If it something they can take turns with, let her brother play with the toy for a certain amount of time and then give her a turn. If she does not want to wait and screams, tell her firmly no, it is not your turn yet. Put her in another room if needed. She needs to learn. Help her brother so that he is not run over by her antics. And help her to control herself...force her to wait for her turn or whatever is needed. You will need to do this...not her brother. Definitely do not let her get her way all the time. I remember letting my daughter scream and cry on the floor while her brother and I went about our business and ignoring her. She soon learned tantrums and screaming did not get her what she wanted. Never let your daughter have her way when she is screaming or having a fit. Tell her she needs to calm down and act like a big girl first. It takes a lot of reminders and a lot of practice for some kids.

Every time big brother gives her a toy when she is having a tantrum, he is teaching her that her tantrum will get her what she wants which is the toy. For the 2 year old, NO's have to be NO's and YES's have to be YES's. It makes for a more secure child.

It's good that this is being addressed while it is just beginning.

She needs to learn how to share. She's only 2 so she needs to learn everything. Be firm, loving patient and consistent. She will come around in time with those 4 elements in place.

My sister and I are 4 years apart. It's hard when they are really to small to have much fun with but it doesn't get a little easier when they get older and can do more.

Sounds like mommy needs to step in, don't let brother give her the toy, and mommy teach her how to share. It's simply a matter of telling your son NOT to give in, you come in and tell her she can't take his toy and then remove her from the area or redirect her. These are teaching moments!