Out of Control! - Sharing and Temper Tantrums!

hi C.;

you got a lot of interesting advice but i feel i want to offer this perspective as well; i don't believe that any amount of 'reasoning' or logic w a 2.5 yr old will work at all and it will just make you more upset.

my kids are 3 yo boy and 18 mo old girl. my son went through terrible jealousy and a lot of awful acting out between 2.5 and turning 3; we also were moving at the same time to a new apt. and we were all very stressed out. his behavior included the same things you describe about your daughter, plus random hitting of other children, starting fights, hitting the baby, terrible tantrums, etc. and this was all coming from a very verbal, loving, fun, bright child.

but smart as he is, no amount of talking about it did any good. and it actually made things worse. children this age have the attention span of a flea. after you hit the second sentence in your explanation they are already irritated and distracted.

consequences are fine but i really suggest controling the enviornment and not putting your child in situations she can't handle. some people say, "Oh they have to learn to socialize," and that's true, and they will learn; they just might need to wait another year or two or three. Or they might just need another 6 months. How bright or great your child is has nothing to do with how fast they will mature socially.

What i do w my son is i just don't take him places or set him up with things where i know he'll be overwhelmed; for example, birthday parties. he loves the idea of them, totally can't handle them and gets overwhelmed and hits. so what i do is find out in advance roughly when the mom thinks they will be doing the cake, and we go very late to the party, like 20 minutes before cake time. bring a present, play a tiny bit, sing the song, which is his favorite part, have cake, and get out of there. or as you describe, the beach. we go very early in the morning, like 9, because that's his best time of day. the more tired he is the worse he is. we bring a bunch of toys of our own, but he usually only wants other people's stuff. i give him one or two chances to play nicely and share, and if it doesn't work, then we just stop playing with other kids. i say, "Ok, we're just going to play with out own things way over here today, that's all." and that's the end of it.

because the problem is this; no matter what kind of discipline you use, and i would strongly urge you to read "1-2-3 Magic" and consider using that system when your daughter is a little older, ultimately, for bad behavior there are consequences, and how far do you go? do you leave the beach? i for one do not want to pack up all the beach gear and go home and ruin the day, although i have done it; but you have to be willing to back yourself up and go that far, because idle threats are torture and mean and make you look foolish. if you can't back it up, she'll figure that out.

the kids all mature eventually. my son is slowly learning to play better with others. i am confident that eventually, he will be able to do this; he's not going to go to 6th grade saying "no mine!" and it helps me to not compare him to other children who are more laid back. that just makes me feel bad. he is who he is, as your daughter is terriffic on her own terms.

try not to worry. don't make it bigger than it is and give youreself a break. don't get frustrated and anxious, just manage the circumstances and make it easier on your own self. the less anxious you are, the less anxious she will be. really.

also i would urge you not to label your daughter 'out of control' to others or in your own mind; she's not at all out of control, and this identification will make you feel worse about her and have more panic about the whole thing, which will make her behave worse. she's really normal. give her the room.

good luck!
J.

At 2 years old it is hard to rationalize with them. So we try to keep things simple.

When our 2 year old acts out and has tantrums, we try not to reinforce the behavior. We don't give in or give her a reaction. We remove her from the situation and put her in her room or the car (if we are out). We don't talk to her or make eye contact until she has calmed down. Try to consol her just reinforces the behavior.

I also count to three: "In 3 stop crying, 1...2....3...". There are days when I do plenty of counting, but usually by 3 she stops.

Sharing seems to be a hard concept to grasp. So instead, we change the terminology to "taking turns". Our 2 year old loves to play with our 3 year old niece, but they often squabble and our niece is in the "mine" stage (ugh!), which as soon as we get home our daughter copy-cats. When they play together, we focus on taking turns: "OK, its Abigail's turn... now its Kyla's turn" etc. Taking turns is much easier to understand than sharing. We then overly praise when they play nicely and take turns.

In addition to taking turns, we follow the Wonder Pets' mantra: "What's going to work? Teamwork!" For example, let's build with blocks together. Teamwork! Sing the song and they get into it.

Prevention is also a good strategy. I schedule outings around naptime. When my daughter hasn't had a nap, it is a volcano waiting to explode. I learned that lesson at the beach one day; silly me thought that she would sleep on the beach; yea right!

Anyway, remember everything is cause & effect and looking for reactions. When you react, you reinforce and encourage the behavior whether it is positive or negative. So try to ignore behavior you don't want and overly praise the behavior you do want-- a "good girl" and a hug works more magic than "No, stop doing that!"

I hope this helps!

Hi C.,

The terrible twos is a very challenging time in a child's life and the parents do suffer. However, I have never experienced that excessive behavior with my children. There must be some form of punchment with a child that throws tandrum like that. I would speak to my children when they were young and not in a nice voice "like honey don't do that", I would be firm and they kenw I meant what I said. Maybe you should speak to a child psychologist, and they can give you some sound advice on how to handle your daughter.

Ugh, the terrible two and a half's! Everyone talks about the 2's, but the truth comes out at 2 1/2. :) I know you must be incredibly frustrated, but take heart: it doesn't last as long as you think!

Try hard to remember that this is completely appropriate behavior for her, even though it seems so outrageous. While it wouldn't be appropriate in another year, it's exactly what she's supposed to be doing right now! And you are doing exactly what YOU are supposed to be doing, by defining boundaries and giving her consequences. I think having her sit in the car until she calms down is the perfect response to a tantrum. And, if possible, take a few minutes to hang out with her and chat about it afterwards. When she's calm, and ready to rejoin the family/party/etc, those extra minutes together will help both of you get grounded again.

I know this is so difficult, but don't let anybody encourage those feelings of anxiety about going out with your daughter. Everyone with kids has been through exactly what you're experiencing, and anyone without kids doesn't have a clue! :) People just love to judge mamas, usually without any real facts to back up their opinons. But you know how awesome your daughter is (even when she's screaming and acting bratty), and you know that you're doing a great job in steering her gently and firmly into the much less terrible 3's.

So those other people, and their disapproving looks, can go fly a kite. You're a great mom!

Before leaving to go anywhere and she's choosing on what toys to bring along....Tell her to only bring the few things she is going to be willing to share with others. I would keep socializing her as much as possible...and watch for the on set of when it starts and firmly remind her about sharing her things or you'll have to remove her from playing at all. Sit back and watch her reaction. I would also continue removing her from the situation for time outs when it gets out of hand but would bring her right back to it when she calmer as part of her leaning to deal with having to share. She'll also learn from other children who will react to her reactions. It will in fact take time to turn around...as she matures she'll understand and except more about sharing her things...

Hi C.!
You have tons of great advice here. I would just like to share our story. We have a wonderful 2 year old son, Matthew. I am a stay at home mom, but he goes to daycare twice a week. EVERY single time I pick him up, they compliment on how he is always so well behaved. And he is, when I am not around and he is with other people. Every day is the same when it's me and him, tantrum after tantrum and I am ready to pull my hair out. It got to the point the other day that he started throwing his toys at me. That's when I said enough was enough and I called his doctor. He suggested reading "1 2 3 Magic", I've seen that in some of your responses. Haven't read it yet, but trust me, I will. His doctor also recommended a very strict warning and time out routine. He gets 3 chances to listen to me, and if he doesn't, it's time out. I bought a small kitchen timer, so it's very portable. If he has a meltdown, I still give him 3 chances to calm down. Like yesterday, I put him in time out, and put the timer in his view. I told him he has 2 minutes to calm down (or in your case, not sharing), and I swear, once the timer started beeping at the end of the 2 minutes, the tantrum is over. I have brought the timer with me in public, and if he would act up, I would simply bring him in the bathroom for a talk and time out, or out to the car. Granted he screamed terribly during time out, it was almost like he knew once the timer beeped, everything was over. I wish I had advice for sharing, but we don't have a problem with that yet... and I KNOW we will! HAHA I hope this helps! Good luck!
S.

Ah... how we hate that feeling of being responsible for someone who is "out of control".

I try to remind myself: I am perfectly in control- I am bigger than my child- I can control MY temper. I don't give my child a whole lot of attention when they have a tantrum- remove them if they are in public to a more out of the way place- but mostly, focus on staying calm and accepting the fact that this is where my child is developmentally. Sometimes his feelings get out of control for him- and that's when I especially need to model keeping my feelings under control. And singing songs can help a lot- especially making up a matter of fact kind of song about what is happening at the curent moment.

We experienced a LOT of tantrums with our first child. The lessons I learned were that tantrums are a result of overstimulation. It might be external (long day, too much activity, hungry, tired) or internal (too many emotions). Thus, the logical treatment is it provide calmness and structure (such as rhythm in song, and a quiet/deserted or familiar place). My husband, who tends to minimize his emotions- tried to use force on our son when he had a tantrum. I, who tend to overemphasize my emotions, tended to try to do anything I could to make him feel better. Neither way worked, because neither way addressed his real problem- they only exacerbated how stimulated he was. I thought it was very intertesting to note how my husband and I responded to tantrums and what that showed us about our own skills at coping with emotions.

Your other strength is that you can learn from tantrums and foresee them- hone your intuition and learn your child's limits. I've found I can prevent a lot of tantrums. You know what? We *do* stay home more- but whereas, I used to stay home more out of FEAR, now I stay home out of KNOWLEDGE- I just know my kids can only handle so much of strange places and people. They are still young and impressionable, and depend on me to keep the impressions to an appropriate quantity. I began to reach out more to my "community"- I do a lot of my errands on "my" time- every 2nd or 3rd Saturday, dad or a sitter watches them and I limit most errands to this time. We have special days for outings (Tuesday afternoon, Friday, & Sundays). This is what they can handle gracefully right now!

For sharing- it helped me to understand that at that age, children often view posessions as EXTENSIONS OF THEMSELF. Hence the strong emotional attachment. I try to keep their posessions to a minimum and focus on using hands and bodies as tools and toys... or the natural elements around them (sand, water). If I do bring toys somewhere I bring alot, and empower them with the choice "Which one will we play with and which one will so-and-so play with?"

I loved the book "Heaven on Earth" and also "Nonviolent Communication"- real helped in the parenting journey!

I also keep Bach's rescue remedy- a homeopathic spray- on hand for things like this! We BOTH take it!

Oh goodness...good LUCK! My daughter is in a similar situation...only she IS the "younger cousin." My twin sister's daughter is about 18 months older than my daughter and when they get together it is like nuclear warfare in the living room! Honestly, the older girl has been afraid of my daughter since my daughter learned to crawl (and hence gained the ABILITY to steal her cousin's toys). I'm not saying my daughter is completely innocent, but I am saying I understand it from both perspectives!

The best way that WE'VE found is to 1) try to let the girls work it out. This sometimes means screaming. If they get violent, we step in quickly, but we feel like they NEED to be able to reach an "amicable solution"! We also try to reason with the older girl. If "baby" isn't allowed to play with this toy, or that toy...or any of the toys, then what CAN she play with? Usually, the older girl can find a few things she's willing to part with, temporarily, and both the girls can play. It's exhausting, but it has gotten a LOT better in the last year. My niece used to back up in a corner, screaming and flapping her hands, every time she say my daughter! (Picture a kid who's afraid of dogs...and then transfer that irrational fear to my DAUGHTER. It was a rough few months!)

I wouldn't be too embarassed - I think every kid goes through this phase! If other moms don't understand....then they couldn't have been paying attention with their own kids were 2!

I teach this age group. This is completely normal, almost predictable toddler behavior. Don't get mad. Model sharing, don't expect her to get it yet. If she starts screaming, calmly remove her from the situation. She's not being deliberately naughty, she's just two and a half. Model what's appropriate and don't get angry. Manage your expectations.

Hi C.-
I have a 2 1/2 year old and I know exactly what you're going through with temper tantrums. Believe it or not the key to defusing a temper tantrum is to ignore it. When your daughter "acts up" ,as long as she's safe (not throwing herself on concrete or tiled floors and banging her head) walk into another room, or read a book. Do not look at her. Once she sees she's not getting any attention from her behavior, she will stop. When she's calm again tell her " Isn't this much better" or "Mommy likes it when you're nice and calm" etc. Usually temper tantrums occur because she can not express what she is feeling and therefore acts up.
Good luck-
K.

Hi C., Very normal behavior but unacceptable. Keep working on it. Your daughter needs to learn. When she screams I would look her straight in the eye and say (softly) Don"t scream! She is old enough to know that you will not take her to any party if she acts this way. I am an older mom and did not have all the books I hear recommended, hopefully someone else will write it in. Best wishes, Grandma Mary

This is totally and completely normal and to be expected at this age. She is not trying to be mean or defiant - this is how toddlers make sense of their world. She doesn't understand. She's still young for reasoning and the best thing to do is to just anticipate it.
If she's like my children, and not easily distracted from the tantrum by giving her something else or doing a "trade" - then remove her from the situation. However, 20 minutes in the car seems extreme. Take her for a walk - and you have to change the subject. Keep pointing out different things, singing, whatever you can do to make her move on. If you're upset, she's going to feed off of that. Stay calm.
If you're embarrassed - as we all have been in front of parents - just explain, "Ugh, I can't wait until she's old enough to "get" sharing." Or, "She's still learning about sharing and how hard it is." Most other parents completely understand, and if they don't A)who cares and B) maybe you're the one to teach them that this is normal behavior for a toddler so they can stop being embarrassed when it happens to them.
Then I would continue to expose her to other toddlers on a regular basis. Have opportunities for sharing, but don't expect it. Every time help her through it - "Oh, isn't that nice, that boy is sharing his truck with you. He wants to share your ball - what a good trade!" For some reason the word and action of "trading" works better for most toddlers than "sharing". If she won't share one thing, see if she'll substitute for something else - sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. "Ok, you don't have to trade your doll, but instead let's share your shovel with the little girl and she'll give you her shovel."
Just stay calm and you and she will get through this.

Hi C.,
Your toddler isn't trying to behave badly. At 2 1/2 years, she is not capable of reasoning or of understanding that if someone picks up her toy, that she will get it back. All she knows is that it is hers. This is the age where they learn about possession, become possessive and think that anything they pick up is theirs - so they think if someone else picks up their toy, they'll keep it, especially if it's not in her own home. When she says "No, mine!" reiterate "Yes, yours!" but add that the other child can play with it and then she'll give it back. She doesn't know what "share" means, I'd just not use that word right now. It's also easier if you have the kids swap a toy, rather than that your daughter sees someone else with her toy and she has nothing. You really can't teach her not to do this, because the concept is beyond her understanding and maturity, it's just something that they grow out of. If you're embarrassed in public situations, then I'd suggest not bringing any of her own toys.
Good luck!

You've gotten some sound advice here, so just a quick note: whatever you decide to do, be CONSISTENT. If you SAY there will be a time-out, there MUST BE a time out. If you SAY you are leaving the party, the beach, the store, the playdate, you MUST leave. The moment you leave your house, be mentally prepared to return early. With playdates, mention to the other mom that this may happen (BEFORE the playdate, and preferably when your daughter can't hear you - you don't want her thinking you expect her to "fail" your expectations). Always expecting the "worst" may make you feel like you're not believing in your daughter, but what you're doing is setting yourself up for pleasant surprises when she DOES meet your expectations. And it's a lot easier to praise and encourage appropriate behavior if you've trained yourself to expect less. Good luck!