Two or More

I totally understand how you feel. I also have a 19month and 5 month old. Emotionally I am ready for more kids, my own, adopted, foster, even twins. I am definantly going to wait for a better time though, my husband deploys in Sept. so now wouldnt be a good time. My problem is that one day hubby says he wants more and not 2 days later he doesn't. AHHH!! Ask him why he doesn't want more. And try to spend lots of time together as a family doing really fun things and show him how awesome it is to share life with kids. Thats all the advice I really know to give, mostly I just understand how you feel about wanting more.

My husband did the same and told me NO after the second. I didn't let it go. Me and my husband once a week had just the two of us sit at home and play games and talk and he came around and loved the idea of another and eventually wanted another. Five years of marriage we have three wonderful girls! LOL!

Wow - you have a 19mo and 5mo child and you already envision another? Geez - I wish I had your energy!!! My view has always been this: (1) Make sure that you are happy with yourself and the way your life is going. If you are happy and healthy, you will be able to have a happy and healthy relationship with your husband. (2) Once your needs are met, concentrate on the "couplehood" of you and your husband. Make sure your marriage is in good working order and that all needs are being attended to. (3) If you are happy and your marriage is in good order, those blessings will rub off on your children. Your children will be well cared for - physically, emotionally and otherwise because you have taken care of yourselves and you've taken care of your marriage. With that said, you need to make sure that you're not stretching your husband too much. Right now he's likely experiencing a fullness or possibly overload with having two very young children to raise. He's also the sole provider for the family and I'll bet that the stress of having three people depend on him right now is a lot. My advice would be to let life settle in a bit and then see where things go. Getting the girls through the terrible twos, potty training, sleep trained, etc. is going to take a lot of time and effort. It will be a strain on your family. Focus on the quality that you can give to your family now and not so much on quantity. If another child is in your future, then great...but if not it sounds like you already have a whole lot to be thankful for.

It's hard for men and some women to think of having another while in the toddler stage and to have a infant as well, oh my. It's some times seems like they never grow up but once they start to it's easier to remember the fun times and think of enjoying those moments with another child or two. Also as your girls get older I imagine they will be helpful with a growing family. At some point we all have to meet in the middle, not settle but do what works for the family. You choose your battles. He knows where your heart is, set a time two years from now or when ever, then talk about more children. I am always here if you need to talk.

In my opinion, drop it. It's not something that needs to cause a problem right now. Try to look at it from your husbands point of view... he is the main supporter in your family, right? That's a lot of work. Imagine having the responsibility of 3 people, and yourself, and then someone telling you "want another?". Your answer is going to be no. I'm not saying the responsibility is all his... you're a mother and wife therefore you work as much as he does... but from a "manly" point of view, that's how it looks. Also, you have two small children, which requires a lot of extra work that would turn just about anyone (except a mom) off of ever wanting another one. I would say, let the others grow up a little and then revisit the issue respectfully. Let him get used to the fact that they aren't as much work when they're older. Let him miss having little ones around.

Hi C.,

My advice would be dropping it for now. If you are not wanting another child until much later, wait until you are ready then bring it up again and deal with it. He has even admitted he might change his mind. So give him a chance to enjoy the girls and you at these stages and when the time is right bring it up again. If you push him now to get it "cleared up now" I am sure you will not like the answer and you don't want to push him into a absolute that he doesn't want to back out of later in life. He might just be saying no now, because 19 mo and 5 mo are so close together and I can only imagine how much work two little ones at that age are. So just give him some time. Once they are older in a few years he might start to miss having babies and want more. But don't push for an answer right now especially since you are not ready for another one yet either.

I am trying this approach with my husband. We only have one 11 month old and he has said no more. I really want her to have a sibling and I want one more. So I am waiting until I am ready to have another one before I make a thing of it. There are times he says he can see us having another, but if I bring it up for him to "commit" to it he says no way. Then the next day he is back to saying only one. So just wait for now and don't push it until you are really ready for another one. Give him time to enjoy the ones you have.

Just my thoughts, hope it all works out well for you.

My advice would be to live in today and not worry about the future too much. Men are different than us women, I think it takes them longer to process things. And if he is anything like my husband he feels tremendous pressure to take care of all of you and adding one more at this point is to much for him to think about. Just let him get used to having two for a while and when you feel like you are ready for number three then you can start talking about it. Enjoy what you have and don't worry about what you might and might not get!

Hi C.,

My personal opinion is to leave it for now. Enjoy the children you have now, to the fullest. If you are focusing on the future, then you are not in the here and now. No one can say for sure what the future will hold. Maybe in a few years you will feel differently- enjoying the freedom and additional activities you can enjoy with older children. 19 mo olds can be a lot of work and try our patience. Once that stage is over, then maybe he will be reminded again that those stages do end. Pressuring him now for an answer won't help anything- He already said his answer would be no. I think you should just wait and see what happens.

C., you drop this for now. There is no way of knowing what he will want in a few years. For that fact you may change your mind too. Circumstances could change. Don't try to have a firm answer years before the fact.
Lets put this in perspective. If you push it now you will most probably end up quarrelling over the answer each of you wants at this point. This will threaten the happiness of your relationship. Why argue over something that neither one of you have control over at this point? Circumstances frequently change.

Is having a third child more important to you than a good relationship with your husband and having a happy family? If he continues to say no will you divorce him hoping to find someone who will say yes to a third child. The odds are against that. Why is it so important to have an answer now. i.e. Do you need to make a decision if he says no for now.

He did say tht his mind might change. His approach seems quite realistic while yours is more emotional. That's not surprising because that difference is frequently the case between the way men and women deal with life.

If you're having difficulty accepting his answer and if this issue is causing stress in your marriage I recommend a few sessions with a counselor to help you both to see the other's perspective.

Never let 'em outnumber you!

I would say wait a while before talking to your hubby about having more children. Since you have two babies he might be feeling overwelmed. I know that when mine were under two my ex didn't want more. But as they get older and have less demand and abecome their own little person. He was ready to have another, and we have three children all about three years apart each. Don't give up, and don't push the issue right now.

I have 2 children 19 and 17. Like you I want more. I had always envisioned having 4 kids. My husband would probably have stopped with one but that wasn't an option for me. He loves both kids more than he could ever have imagined but still didn't want any more. It was hard at first but you immerse yourself in the lives of the ones you have and enjoy every stage. You will have more time to give each one and when they are in activities that conflict you can each attend one. Get your baby fixes from relatives and friends, I do that everyday since my youngest brother has two girls and a third on the way. Now that I am in my late 40's I am looking forward future grandkids but enjoying being a college and high school mom.

C.

with your little one at 5 months old the hard newborn stage is probably still fresh in his mind also men think about the financial burdon since he is the one working. I thik once your little one is a little older he will miss that baby stage and agree to have another. Babies are a lot of work and sometimes overwhelming for men even those who dont really get super involved. I stoped at 2 kids I knew that financialy It would be hard for us to take care of more than two. I was very thankfull that I was able to stay home with my youngest daughter for three years but I know now it wouldnt be possible for me to take time off of work to raise another baby. Hugs

woudn't hurt to get him to verbalize why--we all here can guess, but only he knows (if even he knows!) why. If you don't know his why, any action or inaction you choose/are advised to could be the wrong thing.

Hey, I just answered your other request.
Anyway, I was in the exact same boat. We had two girls and I decided to quit my job and go back to work when they were both in school full time. Well, along came #3-The boy we always wanted. We love him soooooo much of course, but if I truly could go back, I'd stop at 2.
If you are thinking you want to go back to work soon and I were you I wouldn't have another.

Give it some time. It's hard when the kids are these ages. After they are both out of diapers you may find him ready for that baby stage again.

You have 2 little girls very close together right now. That may be overwhelming to your husband right now. He could have reservations due to you having hard pregnancies or labors or any number of things. I know it is going to be hard for my husband when I want to start trying for our third. I have hard pregnancies and labor and I had preeclampsia with both of our children so far. They were both premature. 1, 6 weeks early and 2, 8 weeks early. So talk it out and see what the deal is. I bet he comes around and you guys work it out.

In my experience, if he says now that he might change his mind later, that pretty much means that all he needs is time (for your kids to become easier and more independant) and attention from you (to assure him that another child won't take you away from him even more). He can't tell you now how he will feel a few years from now, but he is telling you that he is open to the idea. If the time comes, and he does say no, then at least you know his "no" is not an "absolutely, I'd never even consider it... NO!". I think it is safe to assume that when the time comes that you are ready, he will be too. Just don't hound him now (I know it is hard). It is okay to daydream to him though and remember all the great things about your kids when they were tiny, and how you could not imagine them not being here.

Hi C.,

My suggestion would be to let it go for now and trust. Your husband obviously isn't ready to make the decision and if he feels pressured into making one now it may not be what he really wants. If you are meant to have more children, you will when the time is right. Mel.

The first year of having a new baby is a very stressful time. I would drop the subject of having more children and focus on the ones already have for the time being. Maybe revisit the subject in another year or so....

C.,
I am reading your entry, and I can't help but smile a little. Men don't think like we do! :-) I can understand a little bit of the conflicting emotions your feeling. My two children are 17 months apart; they are now 2 years (almost 3) and 16 months old. My husband and I have always said that we would have "at least 3 kids", but after having our second baby, it honestly took awhile for us to reach the place of imagining having a third child, especially for my husband! Our hands were full of babies...we had a boy and a girl...so he just didn't feel ready to even think about another child, even if it was in the distant future. However, almost about a year later (maybe more for him), our kids were getting older and growing up into small children. Life is settling down now, and he is much more ready to consider our future with more children. I must remember that the baby stage for men is more overwhelming, because there is little they are able to control and they often feel they cannot contribute much to help (although when they help it is appreciated more than they can understand!) So, once beyond the baby stage, my guess is that your husband will be more open to discussion about having more children. Give it time, and allow him to enjoy your family as it is now. There is no use worrying about the future...my suggestion is not to hash it out now. Let things be and give him lots of room to grow in his love for your girls. You may end up being surprised one day when he is the one suggesting you have another!!
Take care~

Let it rest for now. Like he said, he may change his mind later. I am sure it is not easy for either of you to have two small children under the age of two. He probably doesn't get much sleep or time to himself. Not that you do, but you are the one wanting more. Give it at least a year and then revisit the issue, if you still want more by then. Blessings to you and your family.

My hubby is saying this too, but I know that it means "I need a break!" But we have 4 kids too! I am not ready, but I know that I want more, even if by adoption. I still get the feeling that someone is missing, but I dont see adding another for at least a few years from now. He doesnt want to even think about having another "RIGHT NOW", but it is something that he and I will talk about in the future. For now, we are not anywhere NEAR financially stable, and something we would both like, is for him to have an excelent job before we expore the idea of adding #5 to complete our family. I would like to be able to give my kids their dreams of karate school, gymastics, and whatever my daughter ends up wanting, weather it be ballet, tap, or music lessons. I would love to give each of them their desires. I would love to send them all to private school too (although with 4 or 5 kids, it might be cheeper to higher a totur (LOL) Anyways, Just give him time. I have found that with each of my kids, my hubby says "I dont know if I want more" and then, he does usually tell me that he wants more later. Or he will say Not right now. Or We will talk about it in a few years" Right now, it is "we'll talk in a few years." and I am all for that. I know that I dont want to be pregnant again, and I think that is part of the problem, pregnancy is very h*** o* my body. And he kinda wont talk to me about adoption. But I know that when he doesnt want to talk about something, it is because he hasnt figured out things in his head yet. He doesnt like to talk about things unless he has decided one way or the other. Although I know that I want one more, and he knows that, and to a degree I know that he wants one more, I would be fine if he decided after a few years that he wanted to get fixed and did not want to adopt. We have a full house, and my heart feels so happy with what I have, I feel "FULL". But I know that in a few years that what is just a thought for another now, will start bugging me and I will start talking to my hubby about having that last baby. I would just advise to wait it out, bring it up every now and then, but dont push it.. Just let him know you still want that baby, but dont make tell you when or anything, he will know when he is ready. wait til #2 starts loosing the baby looks, and more like a kid look, then talk to him again. then if he still doesnt want to talk about it, wait til #2 a little older, sometimes a gap is the best thing for your relationship too. your first two are pretty close together, maybe you should wait til #2 is old enough to spend a night away and plan a night without kids, stuff like that does wonders to my hubby! LOL.