July 30, 2008,
J.R. asks from Houston, TX on July 20, 2008
Husband Refuses to Consider a Second Baby
I'm in my early 30s and had my first baby with my long-time husband a year-and-a-half ago. It's been a completely fantastic experiecne. I didn't expect to want another baby so quickly and so badly, but I really, really do. In fact, I might even like to have 3 children.
My husband won't even consider the notion. He says we should focus all our resources on the child we already have. It's become a very sore point. He says my only hope is to stop pressuring him and to see if he changes his mind. I know what he means, but this is so important to me, I feel like I have to keep reminding him.
To make matters worse, he has fairly strong feelings that women shouldn't have babies in their late 30s becaused of the increased genetic risks. (I don't agree, but his stance is firm.)
I'm committed to my marriage and my family, and I don't want to make us all miserable. I am happy with the child I have. I just love being a mom so much and can't seem to put the desire to have more out of my mind. Advice?
M.S. answers from San Antonio on July 22, 2008
Pray for God to change his heart for you... and be content where you are right now. If you truly want to add to your family, and your hubby doesn't want you to get pregnant, there are literally THOUSANDS of children waiting for a home and a loving family. We have been blessed with four incredible kids through adoption. They are mine... just delivered a different way! (smile)
If you need adoption info., feel free to call me. We've done them all: private, international and foster adoption and we're multi-ethnic (Caucasian, Chinese and Hispanic... in order of arrivals.)
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K.B. answers from Houston on July 21, 2008
I agree that you should wait a little while and concentrate on your little boy. I do think that if you can find an opportunity to talk to your husband about it without him feeling pressured it's important for you to let him know why it's something that you desire so much and also allow him to explain to you why he has reservations about having another child. It could be that his concerns are something that the two of you could work to alleviate together. For example, if he is concerned about the financial demands of having another child perhaps the two of you could work on your budget together to help him feel better about things. Sometimes men feel neglected when there is a baby in the house. If he is feeling like he never gets time with you as it is and another child will just make things worse, you may want to work out a schedule together that allows the two of you to have more time together. If your husband's only concern is the possible risks, maybe the two of you could go to a genetic counselor together and have the doctor talk you through the risks. This might set your husband's mind at ease a little more. The important thing is to communicate and come to an agreement together so that neither one of you end up feeling bitter about the decision that is made.
By the way, after our second child was born my husband and I agreed that our family was complete. Once our daughter was no longer a "baby" my husband actually is the one that started the talks about having #3. It didn't take much to convince me and we now have our beautiful baby boy. Men do change their minds. I think most men enjoy children more once they are out of the "baby" stage and can start running around and playing with them. Once this happens with your son, your husband might surprise you and want more children.
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K.K. answers from Houston on July 20, 2008
I don't have a solution for you - but I would just wait a year or so - don't let it consume you - focus on your baby (who is STILL a baby).
I can relate, after two kids, my husband secretly had a vasectomy. I was hurt but in a way releived when he told me, we couldn't really afford a 3rd, but if you think about it, women can control getting pregnant (secretly stopping birth control) so I guess men should have the right to say when they don't want another too.
He sounds like he just doesn't want another right now. He may very well change his mind. My husband is much older so I understood why he didn't want another, but I never wanted to shut the door on the idea. He did it for me. :( I did not let it consume me, I concentrate on the kids I have. It is not fair to them to let your wishes to have more damage your marriage, which in turn damages the child you have. Make sense?
Good luck, give it time and space. Pressure on him will just make it worse. He won't change his mind if you are not enjoying yourselves, under pressure he'll just think it will get worse with another child. Have fun and relax and he will be more likely to want to add to your family.
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T.S. answers from Houston on July 22, 2008
Hi J R,
I have tried the last 3 springs to get my husband to agree to a second child, our son is now 3 1/2. I didn't really want them to be this far apart, but hey I'll take it where I can get it. He never really wanted kids (I was close to ending our relationship because of this and we weren't married) and our son surprised us. I would just bring it up once a year that I have always wanted at least 2 kids, and that Klint needs someone to play with other than us (he stays with family not at a daycare when childcare is needed). He finally came around on his own, or maybe it was me finally getting rid of the baby weight plus some (70#), and we are now trying for number 2. Just give your husband time, men are typically wired differently than we are in regards to family obligations. And good luck in your future!!!
N.D. answers from Houston on July 21, 2008
PRAY! Pray for God's will and for God to work on your husband's heart and for your patience. I truly believe it's God's will to have children especially when you are desiring them but it's not necessarily His timing. I just wanted to share that my daughter had a crisis pregnancy when she was 19 and had a son. Then she married about 2 years later to a different man. She NEVER wanted to ever get pregnant again. Well, I prayed and prayed, for God's best, His will, for Him to work on her heart. Three years ago she gave birth to my sweet granddaughter who adores me! And we just found out my daughter is pregnant again for the third time! I also have one beautiful granddaughter from my son. My daughter-in-law would like to have another but my son is concerned because his wife has a heart condition and was ill during her pregnancy. He also says he "wants to take care of the child" they have now. He probably says that because he was my firstborn and had a sister and brother by the time he was 2 1/2. I don't regret having them all together (easier having everything there in your home already, although it was grievious when they all left home about the same time!)but they had to work on getting independence since they were so close in age. I hope something there helped. "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Ps.37:4 Keep your heart focused on the Lord and be grateful for all you have. This will bring you much peace.
J.F. answers from Houston on July 21, 2008
I listened to my husband and never had a second child. Huge regrets. Then we divorced. I wished I had gotten pregnant without telling him. A second child would have made all the difference in my son's life. He grew up so lonely for a sibling. I don't agree with your husband at all. Get pregnant anyway and tell him it was an accident. He'll get over it and love it equally. We need our children--and grandchildren. Good luck!
W.C. answers from San Antonio on July 21, 2008
There are all sorts of great things about having an only child. I could write a book! We are proud parents of our darling one and only daughter. Most importantly right now is that you need to focus on all of DS's firsts and be present with HIM instead of wishing and hoping for #2. He is enough and needs to know that.
BUT you do not have to give into this if you do not choose to. Your son is still SO young. Let him get out of diapers and off formula/breast feeding and see what the situation is then. Your husband hasn't gotten to do the big father/son things yet. This could change his mind or it could harden his resolve. whatever that case you have to do what is best for your family and pressuring him into baby #2 is not what is best for anyone. I promis you that this is never a topic that he will "forget" so don't remind him. That is nagging and will not help the situation at all.
I suggest relaxing and letting some time pass. If you are in your early thirties, you still have plenty of time- years infact before you are in your late thirties. I would guess his veiw on that will change with time also.
V.L. answers from Houston on July 21, 2008
My DH was the same way!! I just let it go, and figured one day it would happen. Well it did when my DD was about 18 months old. He began to realize how much she needed a play mate. I enrolled her in school, but all that did was make it worse. One afternoon she was nagging him to play when he was off. Well of course he did, so I got busy with some neglected chores. He played with her by himself for 4 hrs. He said he had a ball, but said she needs a sibling!!! Just like that he realized how tough it is when they get older and need attention all day. That of course did not bother me at all, I love playing with her. But he agreed how nice it would be and I was preggo 2 months later!! He will come around I promise!!!