July 30, 2008,
J.R. asks from Houston, TX on July 20, 2008
Husband Refuses to Consider a Second Baby
I'm in my early 30s and had my first baby with my long-time husband a year-and-a-half ago. It's been a completely fantastic experiecne. I didn't expect to want another baby so quickly and so badly, but I really, really do. In fact, I might even like to have 3 children.
My husband won't even consider the notion. He says we should focus all our resources on the child we already have. It's become a very sore point. He says my only hope is to stop pressuring him and to see if he changes his mind. I know what he means, but this is so important to me, I feel like I have to keep reminding him.
To make matters worse, he has fairly strong feelings that women shouldn't have babies in their late 30s becaused of the increased genetic risks. (I don't agree, but his stance is firm.)
I'm committed to my marriage and my family, and I don't want to make us all miserable. I am happy with the child I have. I just love being a mom so much and can't seem to put the desire to have more out of my mind. Advice?
M.S. answers from San Antonio on July 22, 2008
Pray for God to change his heart for you... and be content where you are right now. If you truly want to add to your family, and your hubby doesn't want you to get pregnant, there are literally THOUSANDS of children waiting for a home and a loving family. We have been blessed with four incredible kids through adoption. They are mine... just delivered a different way! (smile)
If you need adoption info., feel free to call me. We've done them all: private, international and foster adoption and we're multi-ethnic (Caucasian, Chinese and Hispanic... in order of arrivals.)
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K.B. answers from Houston on July 21, 2008
I agree that you should wait a little while and concentrate on your little boy. I do think that if you can find an opportunity to talk to your husband about it without him feeling pressured it's important for you to let him know why it's something that you desire so much and also allow him to explain to you why he has reservations about having another child. It could be that his concerns are something that the two of you could work to alleviate together. For example, if he is concerned about the financial demands of having another child perhaps the two of you could work on your budget together to help him feel better about things. Sometimes men feel neglected when there is a baby in the house. If he is feeling like he never gets time with you as it is and another child will just make things worse, you may want to work out a schedule together that allows the two of you to have more time together. If your husband's only concern is the possible risks, maybe the two of you could go to a genetic counselor together and have the doctor talk you through the risks. This might set your husband's mind at ease a little more. The important thing is to communicate and come to an agreement together so that neither one of you end up feeling bitter about the decision that is made.
By the way, after our second child was born my husband and I agreed that our family was complete. Once our daughter was no longer a "baby" my husband actually is the one that started the talks about having #3. It didn't take much to convince me and we now have our beautiful baby boy. Men do change their minds. I think most men enjoy children more once they are out of the "baby" stage and can start running around and playing with them. Once this happens with your son, your husband might surprise you and want more children.
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K.K. answers from Houston on July 20, 2008
I don't have a solution for you - but I would just wait a year or so - don't let it consume you - focus on your baby (who is STILL a baby).
I can relate, after two kids, my husband secretly had a vasectomy. I was hurt but in a way releived when he told me, we couldn't really afford a 3rd, but if you think about it, women can control getting pregnant (secretly stopping birth control) so I guess men should have the right to say when they don't want another too.
He sounds like he just doesn't want another right now. He may very well change his mind. My husband is much older so I understood why he didn't want another, but I never wanted to shut the door on the idea. He did it for me. :( I did not let it consume me, I concentrate on the kids I have. It is not fair to them to let your wishes to have more damage your marriage, which in turn damages the child you have. Make sense?
Good luck, give it time and space. Pressure on him will just make it worse. He won't change his mind if you are not enjoying yourselves, under pressure he'll just think it will get worse with another child. Have fun and relax and he will be more likely to want to add to your family.
1 mom found this helpful
T.S. answers from Houston on July 22, 2008
Hi J R,
I have tried the last 3 springs to get my husband to agree to a second child, our son is now 3 1/2. I didn't really want them to be this far apart, but hey I'll take it where I can get it. He never really wanted kids (I was close to ending our relationship because of this and we weren't married) and our son surprised us. I would just bring it up once a year that I have always wanted at least 2 kids, and that Klint needs someone to play with other than us (he stays with family not at a daycare when childcare is needed). He finally came around on his own, or maybe it was me finally getting rid of the baby weight plus some (70#), and we are now trying for number 2. Just give your husband time, men are typically wired differently than we are in regards to family obligations. And good luck in your future!!!
N.D. answers from Houston on July 21, 2008
PRAY! Pray for God's will and for God to work on your husband's heart and for your patience. I truly believe it's God's will to have children especially when you are desiring them but it's not necessarily His timing. I just wanted to share that my daughter had a crisis pregnancy when she was 19 and had a son. Then she married about 2 years later to a different man. She NEVER wanted to ever get pregnant again. Well, I prayed and prayed, for God's best, His will, for Him to work on her heart. Three years ago she gave birth to my sweet granddaughter who adores me! And we just found out my daughter is pregnant again for the third time! I also have one beautiful granddaughter from my son. My daughter-in-law would like to have another but my son is concerned because his wife has a heart condition and was ill during her pregnancy. He also says he "wants to take care of the child" they have now. He probably says that because he was my firstborn and had a sister and brother by the time he was 2 1/2. I don't regret having them all together (easier having everything there in your home already, although it was grievious when they all left home about the same time!)but they had to work on getting independence since they were so close in age. I hope something there helped. "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Ps.37:4 Keep your heart focused on the Lord and be grateful for all you have. This will bring you much peace.
J.F. answers from Houston on July 21, 2008
I listened to my husband and never had a second child. Huge regrets. Then we divorced. I wished I had gotten pregnant without telling him. A second child would have made all the difference in my son's life. He grew up so lonely for a sibling. I don't agree with your husband at all. Get pregnant anyway and tell him it was an accident. He'll get over it and love it equally. We need our children--and grandchildren. Good luck!
W.C. answers from San Antonio on July 21, 2008
There are all sorts of great things about having an only child. I could write a book! We are proud parents of our darling one and only daughter. Most importantly right now is that you need to focus on all of DS's firsts and be present with HIM instead of wishing and hoping for #2. He is enough and needs to know that.
BUT you do not have to give into this if you do not choose to. Your son is still SO young. Let him get out of diapers and off formula/breast feeding and see what the situation is then. Your husband hasn't gotten to do the big father/son things yet. This could change his mind or it could harden his resolve. whatever that case you have to do what is best for your family and pressuring him into baby #2 is not what is best for anyone. I promis you that this is never a topic that he will "forget" so don't remind him. That is nagging and will not help the situation at all.
I suggest relaxing and letting some time pass. If you are in your early thirties, you still have plenty of time- years infact before you are in your late thirties. I would guess his veiw on that will change with time also.
V.L. answers from Houston on July 21, 2008
My DH was the same way!! I just let it go, and figured one day it would happen. Well it did when my DD was about 18 months old. He began to realize how much she needed a play mate. I enrolled her in school, but all that did was make it worse. One afternoon she was nagging him to play when he was off. Well of course he did, so I got busy with some neglected chores. He played with her by himself for 4 hrs. He said he had a ball, but said she needs a sibling!!! Just like that he realized how tough it is when they get older and need attention all day. That of course did not bother me at all, I love playing with her. But he agreed how nice it would be and I was preggo 2 months later!! He will come around I promise!!!
N.H. answers from Houston on July 21, 2008
My prayers are with you. That is also my solution. Prayer, prayer, prayer!!! If possible pray together. Ask God to show you His will in your life. He is the one who can change hearts that are open.
One of the quotes I have always loved is "The greatest gift we can give our children beyond their faith is are siblings." There is nothing that replaces the security of a family. I have some really great friends, but the people I call on when I am desparate are my brothers and sisters. Their children are also my children's best friends even though they don't see each other often. I thank God everyday that I was not an only child.
My mother had her last two children in her 40's. My youngest brother is now a pediatrician and my youngest sister was a 7 time National Champion diver before she retired and now has 3 beautiful children of her own.
Hang in there, and keep praying.
S.K. answers from Houston on July 21, 2008
Having a baby is a big responsiblity...don't pressure your husband into ANYTHING he may have regrets about later if it not what he wants right now. This is an area of marriage that BOTH must agree on, or it doesn't happen. Just the same as if your husband pressured you to do something you wasn't ready for or didn't want. Having children and being a mom is GREAT, but don't forget that you are also a wife and have a husband. One of the reasons for men not wanting babies after the 1st is because all the attention is going to the baby and he no longer gets that attention from the wife. You have to remember that it was just you and him before the baby and now your focus is else where, so he's just imagining what will happening w/2. Enjoy the family that you have for the moment, and when your husband feels that he will still have his time no matter what, he will come around and welcome the idea of another baby.
J.H. answers from Houston on July 21, 2008
Hi.there jr please enjoy your son why he is little i had my two childern very close its very hard you cant enjoy them the way you should.let him get a chance to be a baby why he can there is time for a nother one.let your husband enjoy his son why he is young dont push at it you will only end up with marrige problems dont do that enjoy what you have right now.my kids are 15mos apart they are 12&13 and at time its still very hard because they still feel like one are onther get more give your child a chance to enjoy his mama&daddy why he is a baby do stuff with him.when the time is right your husband will come to you but dont push at him because he will never be able to be close to that next child because of the way you have pushed at it.please wait iy will come in time take it slow your hubby knows what you want you dont have to keep telling him.good luck and enjoy your baby.
M.M. answers from Austin on July 30, 2008
I would advise you to sit down with him and hear out his reasons. Really listen and see if that helps you with his decision. Maybe this will help him hear your needs and the two of you can come together on whichever side?!? I am an only child and I HATED it, but everyone I knew growing up told me how "lucky" I was. Also it puts a lot of burden on me now to take care of elderly parents on my own, but I don't think that having a child you don't want is ever a good option for anyone. Good luck and I hope the two of you come together.
J.S. answers from Killeen on July 22, 2008
I had my son when I was 37. I personally feel like I'm a much better mom because I was older. All the "over 30" precautions were taken by both me and my docs. It was an unexpected pregnancy, but a blessing from God! Definitely God's timing, not my timing.
Now to hubby . . . I'd suggest that you do not "keep reminding him" - he will think it's nagging which could lead to resentment of you and your current child. You used the term "resources" with your hubbys explanation stating "focus resources on the child we already have." Is his viewpoint not only that you're over 30, but also fiscal responsibility? Granted, it does take money to raise children.
You say you're committed to marriage, family, and are happy with current child, not wanting to "make us all miserable" - even though your baby is only 1, he can detect tension b/w you two.
Pray about it, pray for your hubby. Don't get pregnant on purpose b/c he'll feel "trapped" or "tricked" - AND . . . tell your hubby that you're not going to bring it up anymore and keep to your word. He will respect you for that and as he says, he might change his mind.
If it is meant to be, God will bless you with another with mommy and daddy in agreement! :)
S.Q. answers from Houston on July 22, 2008
My husband only wanted "1" child - after my daughter had turned "3" I was ready for another one, well he said no also, we both work f/t etc, - I just took it upon myself -no more BC - and guess what we were Pregnant ! of course I waited a month or two to tell him & he accepted it, wasn't mad & we had a beautiful baby BOY ! that looks just like him - dark hair,dark eye's just unbelievable ! and to this day he wouldn't trade him for the world !
V.H. answers from Houston on July 21, 2008
Keep your desires, just don't let it ruin your marriage. Forget about it right now, leave it alone. Let your 1 year old have a little fun by himself, and you have your fun with him. Another baby will come to you when it is time. Your husband probably feels overwhelmed of the thought of 2 kids right now, he feels one is enough. Let it be. Wait at least a year,then bring it up. The Lord knows what, when, where and why!!
K.C. answers from Brownsville on July 23, 2008
What I do know from family experience is that a strong recommendation would be that you both agree on another child and stick with it.
A NO decision was made on both their part, so the husband thought but she decided ( a decision based on emotions) to have one anyway and it has lead to a terrible situation for all and is now boarding on divorce.
Pray--pray--pray-- perhaps 1 child is all God intended you both to have
B.B. answers from Houston on July 22, 2008
Why would you want to have a child for a man who doesn't want one?
V.O. answers from Austin on July 22, 2008
I admire you for your passion, but at the same time I respect your husband's feelings. Having a child is such a tremendous responsibility (as you already now) and the last thing that you want is to pressure him into a child that he doesn't want. It will create stress your marriage, on the relationship between your husband and your second child and will affect your first as well. The last thing you want is to hurt your marriage. Spend time enjoying what you have and be thankful for your current child and husband. If you are meant to have a second, God will be sure that you will.
S.M. answers from San Antonio on July 22, 2008
Too much pressure, is not going to change his mind, it's going to make him even more determined not to have another child. It is entirely possible that this child that you already have was more work than he had anticipated. And you add to that (he already got his boy) something that all men dream about! He is not too excited about recreating all of those nights w/o sleep and changing diapers with the possibility of it all being for a girl! Be patient, pray, and don't pressure him, perhaps his mind will change on it's own. If you do have another and it is a girl, he can discover the joys that "daddy's little girl" can bring! best of luck!
J.G. answers from Houston on July 25, 2008
i am 28 and my husband keeps telling me when he is 30 he doesnt want anymore kids.we have a 4 yr old,and i know i want another kid but i am so afraid to go through what i went through with my daughter.my husband turns 30 this august.my cut off for having another kiddo is 32...lol.so yea i dont like the boat i am in right now...i feel like i am being pressured and on a deadline..lol.goodluck with you and your husband!!
J.H. answers from Longview on July 22, 2008
Hi! Isn't motherhood wonderful. I have an only child. One son. He is now 6. Let me tell you if I could have had another child sooner I would have. It took me 12 years to get pregnant w/ him and 4 IVF cycles, so.........for us it wasn't a matter of choice for the second child. Now, my little boy is so lonely. He has been content (up to this point) as mom and dad being his playmates. Let your husband see the childs side of it. Summer time is boring for him on a daily basis. It takes alot for us to entertain him. Now, yes he may say that he/she could have friends over. We have those. But the reality is, families are busy these days and you can't have friends over all the time. My husband was an only child and he remembers being so lonely as a chld too. His heart aches for him from the point of having been there. If age is a concern for your husband, and even better point to go ahead and not delay. Tell him to think of the childs future as an adult. Point out needing someone to help out w/ you aging parents.
Good Luck to you! and remember God has his plan. Pray for your husbands heart/mind to change.
L.T. answers from Austin on July 22, 2008
I wish I had a more upbeat answer for you. I don't know what your financial situation is, however your husband is telling you he doesn't want to carry the $$$$$ load for a larger family. HE MEANS IT. Most men don't suddenly fall in love with the idea of another baby. These issues should have been discussed and resolved at the time you were marrying him. Listen to your husband. You have a beautiful baby to enjoy right now. I know your opinion counts too, but are you ready willing and able to raise the children on your own? If not, I suggest you listen to your husband. From my personal experience, when he says he doesn’t want more kids, he means just that. We had two healthy beautiful children and my husband wanted me to put the third one up for adoption and he wanted me to abort the forth. We had money enough for four and more. He just didn’t want the responsibility. He ended up leaving us when the children were in their teens and starting off to college. I thought we were in love and that we were a solid couple and would make it through the long haul. He was/is a selfish man who wanted his freedom. We had four wonderful children in 7 years and I was using the birth control methods available to us at the time. When he left I raised the two younger children on my own. I feel that the children were my gifts from God and I would not have wanted to live my life without a single one of them. I have four wonderful children. It all worked out fine for my in the end but it was a huge struggle. My ex is starting to appreciate his children NOW that he is an old man.
C.M. answers from Austin on July 22, 2008
1- Your little boy is only one. He is a baby. Don't worry too much about having another kid right now. Believe me, my boys are 18 months apart and it is HARD. Not a picnic no matter what anyone might tell you. Yes you love them, yes they are beautiful, but let the little guy get out of diapers first before you start thinking about number two. There is time.
2- Your husband doesn't want to change his mind. You seem to be only frustrating him by talking to him about it. You might try couples therapy. At least then you can be sure that you and your issues are being heard. (as well as his). He will also know that you are being serious and not hormonal or whatever it is that guys think.
3- You need to be prepared to only have one child. Really. It's that or another person in your life. Sounds bad, but it may be true.
Whatever you do don't get "accidentally" pregnant. He'll see right through that. He's not an idiot.
M.E. answers from Houston on July 22, 2008
I agree with the responses that say wait a while and without nagging inform your dh about the benefits of a sibling. Besides, it might be better to wait until your first is potty trained. Then, at least, you don't have 2 in diapers! I had my beautiful girl when I was 36. My ObGyn and I gave birth about the same time. She was 41 and and it was her first.
Unfortunately, my wonderful husband was killed in a car accident just before my daughter turned one. And though he was pretty adamant at first that we shouldn't have anymore children, we had actually planned to have another one when she was 3. I would have been 39 or 40 when that child would have been born. And we talked about adopting if it didn't work out. I feel like I've lost a husband and a child. God is taking care of us, but as I didn't sign up to be a single parent, it's hard to see the road ahead. So anyway, don't give up hope. Nagging is going to ruin your chances. He might be the type of guy that needs to think it over for himself. Mine just said one day, "Yes, I think we could have another baby." Make sure he knows that you know his feelings are valid and get counseling if things get worse. But definitely do not have another baby without his agreement and support. Don't listen to anyone who tells you to deceive your husband. That's just wrong. Should your husband listen to someone advise him to get a vasectomy without telling you? Life is hard. God is good. Keep praying.
S.O. answers from San Antonio on July 22, 2008
Don't nag or beg. Just rationally talk to him about it when the times are right. Maybe only push for one more. Make sure that he doesn't feel left out of your attention. Make sure he knows that having children doesn't push him out of the picture and that you still have plenty of time and energy for him. It could be a financial stress/worry for him. Understand and respect that and reason with him. Pray God changes his mind.
C.M. answers from Houston on July 22, 2008
You could leave him little notes with facts off of the computer or from the Dr. stating that it is safe at your age. You can say the best resourses to have for you first child is a playmate and a friend. They will be bonded even if you have a girl. You can tease him in bed. When he wants to have sex say something like oh you want to make a baby??? If he says no say well, I'm too tired then. BUT, totaling playing around. Like not threnting him. Just in a flirting teasing way. With a big grin on your face. To the point were you are not bugging him just bringing it up. If he knows how much it means to you and he still is set on no. I think he is hiding the real reason why he doesn't. Maybe go out on a romantic date to reasure him it can still be done. Maybe he is afraid of getting less time with you. He has a reason. He just needs to talk about it.
C.M. answers from Austin on July 22, 2008
Well, I am so sorry you're having trouble in this department. As a Stay at home MOM of 4 boys, I can only tell you this....patience will hopefully pay off. He knows you want another, and I'm sure hasn't forgotten. I will hope that your desire for another will allow him to see that it would fulfill you as a wife and mother to have more children. Maybe that's the route you could take??? That it would make you feel more complete as a person? One question...do you stay home now or are you dealing with daycare costs as well? That may sway him too? Daycare is expensive. Anyway, just a thought or two.
B.C. answers from San Antonio on July 22, 2008
Pressuring your husband just won't work! It'll only keep him
My wife and I had two wonderful boys, she then developed a
problem that took several years to fix and we didn't have
any more. Well, we lost our youngest when he was 31! Had
we only had one child then we wouldn't have the blessing of
having our oldest son, who helps us a lot.
I know, I know, children are not suppose to die before the parents but, THEY DO sometimes!
We waited 3 years between the first and the second, it was
a really good gap!
What I'm saying is>>>wait another year and then have a quite
conversation about the advantage of two children or even
My Dad was a twin and was born when their mother was 36, she
then had 6 more!! All Healthy!
K.W. answers from Corpus Christi on July 22, 2008
My husband refuses for us to have another one too. My situation is a little different though in that I'll be 38 just after my son is born so I'm getting my tubes tied. My advice to you would be, have patience. Your child is only 18 months old, there is plenty of time for another one. Yes, the risks are greater, but they are still very small if you are younger than 40-45, like less than 1% chance. If I were you I'd enjoy this one for another year to give your husband a chance to soften to the idea, then broach the subject again with him.
P.H. answers from Austin on July 22, 2008
I was like you after my first baby...so in love with mothering I just had to have another so they would be close in age. I had quit my job, anyway, so we felt ready. He was 15 months old when I got pregnant again. Now I think, "what was my big hurry?" I did make him grow up too fast in some ways, and although it was fine having two babies, it was very stressful at times. And my first son was fun and easy going and perfect until he hit the wall of toddlerhood around age two, and he's been very intense ever since! Had I waited, at least I would have been prepared for the toddler plus baby life. it was a surprise for me! He did not continue on in his mellow ways and then I had a newborn to care for as well, who, as it turned out, has special needs, so much of my first son's two year old year was spent taking baby brother to specialists all over town. You just never know what life is going to give you. My advice would be to enjoy your son and the stage he's in, find a playgroup to be around more kids as much as you both enjoy that, and talk about it with your husband again in another year. I feel it's unfair for me to say if I could do it again I wouldn't have one of my children because I love them all (yes, even oops boy #3!) but it would be a very different life with only one. I know the joy, but also the stress in having this kind of family, so I congratulate anyone who decides on less. It's no less of a family and you'll be able to extend your life to include friends much easier, something we feel we are often missing out on. If you find happiness too difficult to find right now, seek contentment first.
C.M. answers from Austin on July 22, 2008
a no and a yes dont make a yes
M.W. answers from Austin on July 22, 2008
I was 40 when I had my perfectly healthy daughter at 9 months after a perfectly healthy pregnancy. We are actually considering another, b/c we want our daughter to have a sibling, especially since we are older. You do have to consider your husband's feelings unfortunately, but you might give the argument that he, your son, could use a sibling (family) for when the two of you aren't around anymore. But my 2 cents on a 3rd, adopt some poor child and save him and her from a horrible life b4 you bring a third child into the world - there are so many needy kids. I wish we could adopt, but my husband won't do it. I don't understand it. I would almost rather adopt to help with the world's orphaned children.
Good luck to you!
J.H. answers from Houston on July 22, 2008
Oh girl....I KNOW how you feel....I was in the same boat for a LONG while and my husband finally came around....it took about 2 years. I had to lay off and pray that I be contient where I am and most of the times I prayed that God would change his mind! Hang in there and let him know how stong you feel about it but don't beat the subject to death b/c that will just push him away further and not want to have another one...at least in my case that is what happened. Hang in there! I also found that the more I pushed the issue the more fun times I missed with my first son....I was wanting more and looking ahead instead of enjoying the moment with what I already had. Hang in there! Your time will come!
A.C. answers from Waco on July 22, 2008
Please just remember everything happens for a reason and please do not make this decision on your own and go behind his back to get pregnant the tricky way. If it is meant for the two of you to have another one, it will happen. My best wishes to you both.
J.T. answers from Victoria on July 22, 2008
I am so sorry that he dosent want the same as you. Its hard. Try to put your self in his shoes what if he wanted another and you really didnt. Thats a pretty big one here a child. Prehaps when the child is older he might want another one. I wouldnt push him too hard ( again put yourself in his position I hate when my hubby pushes me towards something I dont want). Hopefully in a year or so he will be ready for another and if not count your blessings on the wonderful little boy you have now. There are many people that would love to have just one and cannot. God bless, and I hope this didnt sound harsh I truly feel bad for your situation. I also agree with Janice H... I had two older brothers and I always wanted a sister, we had pletny of neighborhood kids to play with also. I was an oops child and I over heard my mother saying she never wanted a third child and how hard it was for her. Thats something a child should never hear from a parent.