Did You Suggest Your Man Should Propose or Were You Really Surprised?

Why should he want to get married, when you've played house for so long? He has the perks of married life, without the final commitment. How can you create a life with someone and NOT discuss marriage? That boggles my mind!!!

Yeah, my husband brought up marriage. He wanted a family, home, and life together. It didn't make sense to him to ask for the others, and not be married. It doesn't to me, either.

I hate to say this, but what if he doesn't want to be married? It seems like a man who wants you to be his wife, would have thought of it already.

Sounds like he has no reason to propose. He's getting all the benefits of marriage without making a real commitment to you.
You really need to think about the legal ramifications though, it's not just about money, it's also about medical and legal decisions. A boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't have the same rights/responsibilities as a husband/wife. Why do you think gays are fighting so hard for the right to marry? It's not just about being recognized and accepted it's about protecting themselves and their children under the law.
Forget about what he "should" do and think about want you WANT, and tell him that. You've got kids, and a home, together, you're past the "romantic expectations" stage.
ETA: my husband didn't propose, after two years of dating I asked him if we were going to get married or what. I had no desire to start a family and a life with a man who wasn't willing to make it official. My mom did that and her life was a mess. Within two weeks I had a ring on my finger, and we were married a few months later. That was over twenty years ago :-)

Two of mine proposed without prompting. I proposed to the other.

If you don't want to be married, why do you want him to propose? Engaged is shorthand for engaged to be married.

We courted for 9 years before we were engaged.
We met in high school - he was 14 and I was 17.
(At first I barely knew he was alive and he worshiped the ground I walked on but we eventually became friends and then started dating awhile later.)
We had to grow up, finish college (we went to different schools that were about an hour's drive apart), get jobs and he wanted to be finished with college and working in his profession for at least 1 full year before we married.
He was 24 and I was 27 when we married.
We bought our first home 9 months later and had our son 9 years later.
We didn't live together till we were engaged and had a wedding date picked out.
Living together without definite/imminent plans to marry was out of the question.
Getting married was important to me - if he wasn't interested, then he wasn't the guy for me - and I told him that up front.
Next Aug will be our 25th anniversary.

I think your guy is happy as he is and if he never gets a hint that getting married is important to you, he'll be happy with the way things are right now forever.
But I don't think marriage IS that important to you.
You don't care of it ever happens, you'd just like an engagement - and you want him to read your mind and come to that conclusion on his own.
Good luck with that.
Being engaged without actual plans to marry (and a definite date to do so) isn't really being engaged - it just sounds nicer to say 'this is my fiance' rather than 'this is the guy I shack up and have kids with'.
It's like you've got the all ingredients for a sumptuous banquet but you're not cooking.
You'd need to cook or get off the stove.
I'm not sure why getting engaged is popping into your head right now if it hasn't before now.

Most people who have planned their lives the way you have just decided together they didn't want to get married. Are you saying you've never discussed it?

That seems really weird to me, how did you get to a mortgage and two kids without even discussing marriage? You leave yourselves and your children vulnerable in many ways without a legal marriage.

Below is a link to some of the "tangible" benefits of being married to the Father of your kids. There are a million more emotional benefits. You're way past the "surprise" proposal stage. Maybe you guys should discuss a plan for the future?

http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/marriage-rights-be...

You bought a home with your BF, you have 2 children with him but you have never discussed marriage? I agree with you.... I would want a man that just wants to marry me too and think of marriage on his own but aren't you just way past that now?

To answer your question, my husband thought of it on his own and there was no pressure from family. As a matter of fact I think everyone but me was some what surprised because we got engaged after only 10 months of dating and he was 22 years old.

I have been married for almost 18 years. Men are not mind readers. I think you need to tell your BF what you want since it sounds like your feelings have changed over time. I almost can not blame him for not thinking of it on his own. You kind of put the cart before the horse, you know😊.

Best of luck. I hope things work out for you.

Well, why in the world would your boyfriend want to propose?
You have two kids, you own a home, and YOU make the bulk of the money. Sounds like he's got it made.
My husband and I just talked about getting married. We never had a proposal, it was a decision we both came too. Been married 10 years.
L.

Start leaving bride magazines scattered about!

It was a surprise for me. But not much was going to happen till that ring was on my finger so...

You have sooooo many carts before the horse on this one, that I'm not surprised at all the thought has completely slipped his mind about a simple engagement or proposal at this late point in time.

Why now? Why did you decide that all the other married stuff was OK, but now you want this one?

I think you need to woman up and flat out tell him...."Hon, I love you, I want to spend my life with you, and I think all the married stuff we have accomplished proves that, but as a kept woman, I still want the romantic proposal and engagement ring. Hint. Hint. Wink. Wink. Need I explain any further??"

Most woman I imagine expect the ring before the other services are provided.

It wasn't me suggesting it, and I wasnt surprised. We often discussed our future together over the many years we dated - before kids, before homes, when the biggest thing we had was just us. I knew he would propose some day and he asked me to let him do it in his own way, which I did - a sweet surprise, but not my suggestion. No one told him to do it - without my knowledge, he talked to my dad. Without my knowledge, he chose and bought a ring (he knew my taste because we dated for a long time and he knew me well). But we both knew we wanted to get married and he's a very romantic guy, which suited me well.

Nothing else you've done is traditional, so why don't you propose? I truly believe he's not going to.

Seriously - no one should have to be pressured to get married. He's thought of the idea. He didn't grow up under a rock. He knows that with babies and houses usually comes marriage, in whatever order. He's thought of it. If you suggest it and he just "goes and buys some ring," isn't that what you want? Seriously - it sounds like you want the romantic surprise proposal and gushing of emotion (my husband proposed by putting signs along the highway, one word on each sign, and waited in a tux at the end with flowers and a ring for me to drive by). You have kids, jobs, and a mortgage. I'm pretty sure that ship has sailed. Suggest it and let him just go get a ring, or do it yourself.

I really don't think any man who lives with a woman, creates 2 children with her NEVER has the concept if marriage occur to him.
Seriously .
Sounds like you really don't want to get married.
So why on Earth would you secretly like him to ask you by surprise?
I find this confusing!

ETA: we had discussed marriage, looked at rings, etc. But the day he dropped to a knee and asked me then presented my ring? That was a complete surprise!

My hubby asked me to move in with him, but I had already been there, done that previously. I declined and told him I wouldn't live with someone unless I was engaged and that was that. A few months later he proposed with a ring he had picked out and I was totally surprised. 11 years and two little ones later, we are still going strong. I think marriage is more than a peace of paper. There are rights that come with being a spouse such as medical decisions if something happens to either of you and also monetary things if something happens to either of you. There are many more reasons than those two, but do what is best for you. and the kids. Good luck.

My husband asked me to marry him, but I am quite sure his dad suggested it to him.

I think I remember him saying something to that effect.

If it makes you feel any better, I had to ask him out on our first date. I hated it, but he just stood there and wouldn't say anything and it started getting kind of awkward. By the way, I have never asked anyone out!

Have you actually talked about getting married? I don't really understand the "I make way more money than him" part. I make more than my husband, but that means nothing in regard to our marriage.

We talked about marriage. A lot. We read books on dealing with past issues and discussed what we wanted. We'd both been married before and didn't want another divorce in our future. Doing it right in the eyes of God is important to both of us.

So perhaps you should actually bring it up and have a discussion about how important marriage is to you. That you don't plan on just being his girlfriend for the rest of your lives.

There doesn't have to be pressure, but you can't expect him to be a mindreader.

I've been married a loooong time.
We had discussed getting married. He had asked what I'd like for a ring. He bought the ring without my knowledge. He proposed when he was ready and totally surprised me!

Now - as for you...
Why should he get married? He has it all without that commitment.
That said, men aren't mind readers.
If you want to get married, you'll have to tell him.

I know my fair share of couples who were together for many years, kids, house, everything but the marriage, but the actual marriage changed them. Ask yourself how things would change (besides the obvious actual benefits of being legally married) and if these changes would be something you could live with. Will you start to expect certain things of him? How will his mindset change? Will he begin to take things for granted? Will you? There are many things that go into a successful marriage, and just as many that go into a successful relationship.

For me we discussed it once prior to moving in together after college. He proposed about a year later and I had no idea it was coming. We had discussed that we thought we would end up getting married, I just didn't realize he had any intention of doing it then. And he had planned for months, asked my dad, the whole 9 yards. I still can't believe I was so clueless. LOL

For my parents, my mom was supposed to leave town to be a flight attendant and she told my dad she would only stay if he married her. He said OK and 38 years later they are still very much in love and happy.

So basally, I don't think that the way a proposal happens means anything, in the long run. What matters is that you feel comfortable expressing yourself to each other and you are both dedicated to spending your lives together. If it were me I would say it is past time to discuss your desire to get married someday. Let him know how you feel and take it from there.

Good Luck!

There wasn't "pressure". But we also didn't do some dramatic bending on one knee popping open a little black box, either.

We were lying in bed one night (yes, we were shack-ups for about 5 months at that point, been "dating" for 15 months prior), and he started randomly talking about where our relationship was going... how did I see us in the future stuff. I told him the truth. I didn't see us breaking up, that I was happier with him in my life than I ever had been and didn't want that to change. So he says something along the lines of "So, should we be planning a wedding or something?"

I said, well, yeah, I guess we should do that if you want to... He said, okay. Then, we were going to sleep, and I thought hmmm... are we officially engaged now? So I asked him. And he said, I guess so.
He never actually asked me "Will you marry me?" until the morning of our wedding. And then he absolutely relished it... as he was walking out the door to go meet his family and I was getting ready to go get my hair done, he leans back into the door and says, 'Oh... since I never actually asked... Will you marry me?"

I think we both always knew. And we are very comfortable with each and not at all dramatic.
I can't say what you should do or expect. I don't know your guy's opinion about marriage. Not everyone holds it in high regard or sees it as anything more than "a piece of paper." That is not how my husband and I see it, but only you know how you and your man see it.
I will say, however, from a place of wisdom and learning the hard way, that men often do have to be "told": "This is what I want." And if you are sitting waiting for him to romance you and fulfill your desires without you asking, you will likely be disappointed. At this stage of the game (2 kids down the road) any romantic surprises should be removed from your expectations. If he were going to do that, I'd think he would have already before now.

I don't really understand this. Obviously if he had wanted to marry you he would have asked you by now. You've given him two kids and a home with no strings attached, you clearly never expected any kind of formal and legal commitment, so why now? Sounds like he's got it made.
Love, marriage, home, baby...that's the way most people do it. If you're giving away the milk you really shouldn't expect him to buy the cow, it just doesn't work that way.

We discussed marriage (I'm sure I brought it up) - I'm sure he would have waited a couple of more years if I hadn't. We looked at rings together. He bought one. The date and location were a surprise, but the ring, and knowing it was coming was a planned/talked about thing.

In the time that you've been together, through 2 kids and buying a house, you've never discussed marriage? I can see where you would be comfortable where things are, I mean, marriage at this point in your lives is just a piece of paper making it government official how you already live, but if you want it and he doesn't, that could be a problem. He's not going to just come up with it on his own, you're gonna have to bring it up. Men can't read your mind.

i had a pretty good idea he might (i was preggo) but surprised when he actually did it. not at the notion of getting married, but he just picked a good time and place to make it a surprise. really, no pressure from me. we were very committed to each other, and i was even a little hinky about getting married under the circumstances lest it seem that the circumstances were doing the dictating. but we both wanted to do it.
it sounds as if so much time has gone by that your guy is just very comfy where he is, and the 'should i ask her?' dilemma is far behind him and doesn't occur to him any more. and that's good! you want your life together to be happy and comfortable, and not have pressure from the outside to do anything either way.
unfortunately, without some sort of nudging from you at this point it ain't gonna happen. in your situation, i'd propose to him!
khairete
S.

Mine proposed just as a formality to include my mother in the process, but we had already discussed our life together and knew that we wanted to live as a married couple. I didn't pressure him, but I also did not behave as a wife to him. I'm not saying that your living arrangements are wrong. I'm saying that you didn't do what you needed to do to get what you want. DO NOT try to force a man's hand to marry you. But also, DO NOT give him all that you would give him as his wife, UNTIL he lets you know--by actually marrying you, not by telling you that he wants to marry you--that he wants you to be his wife.

I've been wanting to get married the last yr. I've been with my daughters dad. We both want to get married but I'm waiting on him to ask. I've been very very ready

We were in a similar to yours situation. We are now engaged, but it was a mutual agreement to become engaged. We are not yet married as there are advantages to being married and not being married - the not married are the best for our current situation. Right now he is thinking happy home, why rock the boat? If you want to be engaged - then have the discussion. I was just fine with out all the romance that many girls long for because I am not big on the romance in general.

My husband and I were walking through the mall and we just decided to stop in at a jewelry shop and look at rings. I picked out one I liked, and he proposed about week later when the ring was ready.
I guess it was a mutual thing.

I was graduating college and he had another semester. I didn't know where my work would take me, so I was honest and told him a few months before graduation that I didn't want to break up, but that I will need a job when I graduate and that may not be here, so if he wanted me to stay, he'd need to give me a good reason. (unbeknownst to me he had already bought the ring!)
So complete surprise, but I did tell him what my expectations long-term were.
I have to say, I feel like your horse is out of the barn. Meaning you have a life together without the traditional confines of "marriage" He is committed to you, right? so don't push it. If it was important, probably should have pushed that before you all had a house/kids/life together.
regardless, I wouldn't push or suggest it. Have you considered proposing to him??

We had discussed marriage in the abstract, but not put a time limit to it. He proposed after I had a semester abroad and it was a surprise at the time (I thought it would be another year). He had decided he didn't want to be that far away from me for that long ever again.

There is nothing wrong about asking his opinion about marriage. At least you will know where you stand. And even if you don't want the legal implications, if marriage is important to you, you can have a religious ceremony without the licence.

i'm not married - but recently engaged. we discussed marriage several times, so it wasn't a surprise. ESPECIALLY since he asked me to go w him and pick out the ring! LOL -- so i knew he had the ring and waited patiently for him to decide when / where he wanted to make it official.

I was SUPER surprised! I hadn't even thought of getting married!

Hubby and I had an transatlantic long-distance relationship for a year before we married. When he asked me, we were doing a long road trip around Ireland. It was only our second time really together, and I had no clue where our relationship was going. I knew I loved him, but he lived in ireland, I in Chicago...In any case, when he asked me, we were actually in the middle of a fight. I got pissed off at him about something and said I was just going to leave. He said I couldn't, and then just asked me. I told him that we weren't even friends at the moment, how could I marry him.

i then asked him two days later. I later found out that he had told his mom he was going to ask me, and she told him to let me pick out my own ring. I still have no ring, adn we've been married 12 years.

We were almost 30 at the time.

I've been married twice. My first husband proposed on his own after we "talked" about taking the next step. I was getting older (29) so we had to move fast. lol My second husband would have proposed on our first date. He kept saying he wanted to make an "honest" woman out of me because we moved in together soon after we started dating. We picked my ring out together and he put it on lay away. He proposed about 6 months later and I had NO idea he had paid the ring off and in fact, we had just gotten back from a cruise so I figured if he didn't propose on the cruise, he wasn't going to. So I was shocked. If I were you, I would just tell him you would like that and see what he says. It probably has not occurred to him that it's something you want since you already have kids and in an established home. So just talk to him and see what happens. Good luck.