To Homeschool or Not to Homeschool

I had (and have) the same problem with my now 16-year-old son. After discussions with his doctor, counselor, and the principal of his High School the decision was made to pull him out of school. He is attending an on-line school. He was suffering with panic attacks, he couldn't sleep, and while at school he really was not learning anything. Turns out he has depression and anxiety disorder.
After removing him from High School his anxiety lessened enough that he can now actually answer the phone when his friends call, and he even went out this past weekend with his friends for 3-4 hours (trust me after him not talking to anyone other then family and the counselor for the past 4 months for him to go out with friends for an afternoon it was wonderful!)
The most important thing to do (imho) is to make sure you have people you can talk to about what is going on, make the best choice for your family and talk to your doctor.
By the way my husbands advice was also to stick it out, it did take my son a month to really talk to his dad again, my husband would not (or could not) understand what he was going through.
My son knows that the ultimate goal is for him to return to school in the next year. He has "small goals" on a weekly basis, order food in a resturant, ask for directions from a stranger, start a conversation with a neighbor, that he has to do. It may not seem like much but slowly I am getting back my child.
Opps I wanted to add a little something, for those of you who are wondering why I had no idea that my son was depressed, didn't I notice a change ect. At home my son was what I thought was behaving in a typical teen manner. I had discussed it with friends and my doctor last fall, and the advice I got was watch him. I did watch him, let him know that I would listen and not judge, talked to his teachers in the classes that he was not doing well in, but I could not change what was happening to him. It was not until the panic attacks started during school that he finally realized that he needed to get help. I spent most of November bringing him to Doctor after Doctor, counselor after counselor until we were able to get the correct diagnois and medication for him. Hang in there, one of his teachers at the High School told me the other day that my son actually smiled and said hi to her when he saw her walking down the street.

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Hi, M.!
I went through the same thing with my daughter. I did homeschool her and as far as education went it was a good choice. One other thing that you need to take into consideration is her mental health status. My daughter needed extensive help. She is now 22, married and has an infant son. She still can not do anything alone very well and requires ongoing support. She is very bright, an excellent mother and wife, but is still insecure in public. I really encourage you to seek professional help, but don't hospitalize her if you can avoid it. Doing so only exacerbated my daughter's phobia. I hope this helps. If you want to talk live just email me and we can connect.
Sandy

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I was horribly, horribly shy well into my adult years. Every day at school was stressful, my self-esteem and confidence were poor, and I spent a lot of time avoiding people. Being forced into situations where I was uncomfortable did not help, it made things worse!

She might be more comfortable with homeschooling or a small classroom. This would allow her to build self-confidence and focus more on learning than being miserable and avoiding people. (Speaking from my own personal experience here...)

There might also be a homeschool coop in your area, YMCA/YWCA, Parks and Rec, etc., where she could take small classes that interest her and give her some social interaction when she is ready.

Counseling is also important. I think today they refer to very extreme shyness as social anxiety disorder.

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I did not read all the posts so if I repeat I am sorry. I was homeschooled for all of my school years and so was my husband. I like the concept of parents being in charge of children's education. That being said I would caution you about homeschooling your teenager because she "fears" school, or struggles with social issues. It might be beneficial for your daughter to try a new situation or get a new start and homeschooling might be a good answer with a strong support group. But giving your daughter the "practice" giving up on a problem doesn't provide good opportunities for her to "practice" working through her issues. I would try to get to the bottom of her issues...ie.. work too hard, bad teacher, not fitting in, bullies etc... Try to find the problem and sit down with her and get an action plan. Say, "How can we get through this? What do you need to succeed?" Give yourself a time line and find out what works. I think that this will give her confidence that a 15 year old (so close to adulthood) needs to learn to be able to make decisions and manage relationships as an adult. Who hasn't struggled with relationships in the past? How did you work through those things when you were a kid? If there is an abusive situation, that might be different.

I guess to sum up. Don't use homeschooling as an escape. Its a lot harder than it sounds.
Good luck, We are thinking and praying for you to make the right decision for your child.

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You need to find another therapist for your daughter, one that she feels comfortable with. If SHE and the therapist agree that her parents are necessary, they should be encouraged to participate. Keep looking until you find a therapist she is comfortable with, preferably a psychiatrist at a reputable institution. This is more than an attitude problem. My daughter experienced great success at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, MN, beginning when she was about the age of your daughter, where she was allowed to speak freely with a psychiatrist and she was assured her confidentialities would not be shared with her parents. My husband and I were not invited to participate and have had a good relationship with our daughter who is now 37 years old with a husband and two children. I believe she was helped to gain insight into her relationship with her parents and helped to develop appropriate priorities in life. She resolved her fear and distaste for being with strangers and in crowds. Homeschooling does not seem to be the answer for your daughter as it would only foster her phobias.

My best wishes to your family!

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If she his socially challenged it might be helpful to homeschool - perhaps online, but then get her in a TON of activites with other kids who homeschool. Or does she have "RAD"?

H.

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Marjo-

My initial thought about this is that your daughter is really crying out for help. I am wondering , if she really liked school up until this year, what has happened to cause this:? It may be worthwhile to walk backwards over the past months and really think about incidents that could have caused a change. Even ask her. But be preapared to listen for small clues.

Second- find a new school. Search out other possibilities. Your daughter needs loving helpful adults in her life that she DOES feel comfortable and safe with other than you.
My oldest daughter who is only 10 has had her worst school year every this year as well. A HUGE change. We have addressed teacher and principle and councelor. She has asked me to home school her. She is seeing the councelor who is very loving and my daughter looks forward to talking to. It has helped. We are also seeking another councelor outside of school on the school councelor's advice to specialize in anxiety. I believe both our daughters need to learn some coping skills, some tools to help them get through the really rough moments especially when they are not with us or at home.

Good luck. I feel for you as I truly understand how painful it is to see you daugther sad and fear for the future.

Kathy, (mother of 4 ages 10, 7. 5. 2 1/2)

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I do know of a couple of families with children who have social phobia. However, if your daughter hasn't had many problems up until now - SOMETHING ELSE may have happened. Try to get her to talk about it - listen to her; don't critize or interrupt. Let her know that you care about her and that something must have happen that got her to "hate" school and people. FOUND OUT!!! I feel that if you pull her out now - it is just adding to problem and whatever changed her attitude toward school will stay "bottled up". DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN.

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Oh, I feel so bad for you and your daughter- that could have been a description of me in 10th grade...

My advice to you is to bring her in to a psychologist to discuss anti-depressants. If she is already in them, it is time to switch or up the dosage.

Social phobia, anxiety, depression... just not fun.

I wish with all my heart my parents had gotten me help before I graduated high school, rather than wait til right after. Drag her kicking and screaming if you have to. It might take ten years for her to thank you, but she will eventually!

Please don't let your daughter's last years of high school be lost to these awful monsters (I always thought of my depression as a monster).

(We also had issues getting what we needed and wanted out of the school. But I think these issues would have seemed less important if I had not been so depressed. I also would have been better able to deal with those people and more clear on what I needed, which might have gotten better results).

I really think it should be less an issue of school vs homeschool, and more an issue of how to help your daughter cope with school and life in general. If counseling is not working, which it would appear it is not, look into the anti-depressants. Therapy did almost nothing for me, but the medication, while not the rosy 100% cure it is sometimes touted to be, certainly has opened up the world to me.

{{{HUGS}}} to you both. If either you or your daughter want to contact me personally, please do so!

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