Tired of Feeling Needed?!

Oh mama! I totally feel you.
You need to delegate. Your husband used to be able to do his own laundry and feed himself before you came along, right?
Dad/hubby can make dinner a couple of nights a week, or help out folding laundry or make lunches for everyone.
Kids are old enough (the two older ones) to make their own lunches the night before (and the oldest can actually make the 7 year olds).
The dog is not just yours is he? The kids can walk him, run him in the yard, feed him in the morning.
YOu can take a break from friends. Or just be very up front and say, I need you to take a listen to me, and commiserate with me....and then GO!!!
Sometimes, we as mama's, feel like we need to be WONDERMOM and SUPERWIFE....while I always strive to be a great mom, I can not be both. It's too tiring. SO, your kids and husband need to start helping out. All the chores that you are doing are things that other people can do as well. THe only thing no one else can do is breast feed (but I noticed you didn't mention that...sometimes I got tired of my boobs not being my own. But, maybe that's not an issue.)
My husband is the same way. He often thinks that if I say I need a cuddle or a kiss that I am trying to get in his pants...in reality I would like to take a nap while he takes the kids somewhere and my house is quiet! HAHA
Know that you are not alone in feeling this way, and try desperately to get some you time! I am going out with some girlfriends this weekend for a girl dinner, and I haven't done that in almost 2 years. I am so excited. We gotta take time for ourselves mamas!! It's not selfish! It's sanity.

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My sweet mother-in-law used to tell me: "Just hang on until your last one is in Kindergarten. It gets better." I thought she was slightly insane. Hang on? I couldn't hang on for a few days, much less a few years! And my load wasn't nearly what yours is. But, I did at one point have a toddler, a baby, a husband, a tropical fish tank, and 3 big dogs :) My point is that every mom reaches that point where it is all giving and no receiving. But that changes over time. Until then, take advantage of services in your community (like "mother's day out" programs, Fred Meyers play place, hired sitters, even the IKEA ball pit!) Now stamp your feet and yell out loud "This is mama's time!" Then take it and smile to yourself, knowing that the best "giver" in the world has just given time and relief to herself. Good luck!

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Kellie,

I can't even compare my situation to yours, however I do understand the feelings you are having. IT IS NOT A GOOD FEELING!!! When this has happened to me before, the conclusion I finally draw is that there probably isn't much I can change, except my attitude. Probably not what you wanted to hear. I usually end up evaluating my motivation for serving my family, and where I'm seeking fulfillment. If serving them is to receive praise and fulfillment, then I'll usually feel stretched and empty pretty darn quick. If I seek fulfillment elsewhere (like from quiet times with the Lord, time with friends), then my tank is full and I can serve my family out of love. It is all about making sure your "love tank" stays full, or at least making sure you're aware of trying to keep it full. Be encouraged! Your faithfulness to your family in times of struggle is a testimony to others!

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Hey K.!

Thanks for posting this; you're definitely not alone!

When I was young, my mom would sometimes talk about how she just wanted some time to herself. I didn't get it. I used to think that she had it so easy LOL She was a SAHM, my father was a good provider, and it never occurred to me that my mom might not want to be helping us with our homework, cooking our meals, taking us to doctor appointments, listening to all of our problems day in and day out. LOL.

Boy, was I clueless! It is HARD being on call 24/7 and until you've been there, you don't get it, which is why most dads are truly perplexed as to why their wives seem so stressed after a week of staying home and taking care of the kids.

I've been a manager in the high-tech industry, working CRAZY hours with high amounts of stress and I've been a SAHM (although I work part-time now) and I can tell you, hands down, that being a SAHM is way harder. And the pay is a lot less, too ; )

You go mama!! Same with all you other mamas out there.

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Girl you rock! I feel that way all the time, thank you for putting it into words.

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It sounds like you "need" to take a few days off. I would suggest going away for a weekend to just pamper yourself. Let it be a guiltless vacation. Let someone else attened to your kids just for a few days. You need to rejuvinate and recenter yourself. Take care of yourself first, so you can better take care of others! And then maybe, after being gone for a few days your family will appriciate you more when you come back!

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It sounds like you need some R&R. When I get stressed like that I go to the woods by myself - anywhere to be alone, pray and look at the "pretty green stuff" and de-stress.

I have also threatened to change my name and not tell anyone what it was (LOL) then found out Prince (the rock star) actually did that! The best thing is to have a sense of humour.

The other thing I did this summer is to train my children (age 7 and 9) to help. Mommy can't do everything. You have 3 people in your house who can help. They have to help otherwise you will go insane.

Make a chore list, and give the 13-year old and the 7-year old an allowance if they do the chores. Deduct the allowance amount if they don't. It works great. I loved the ideas on gomommygo.com web site!

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It sounds like you need to start saying "NO" to others and "YES!" to yourself. :-) I know, easier said than done - trust me, I know. Your older kids and husband can start doing more for themselves and not rely on you so much. Try it for a week, just say "no" and see how quickly they all start appreciating you more (and gain pride and responsibility for themselves).

While doing that, take some time for yourself. It doesn't have to cost money. Take a bath and lock the door. Curl up with a book or magazine in your room. Just make time for yourself EVERYDAY for at least a week. Even if it means locking yourself on the toilet and just meditate or pray for 15 minutes. Love yourself and it will all trickle down. I bet everyone will start wanting you for you. :-D

EDIT:
It just dawned on me that a few of the moms (me included) felt extra "down" when our babies were around 6-9 months of age. I still think you need some time off, but you might also be having slight postpartum depression. It would be worth giving your doctor a quick call and check in. :-)

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Brain surgery can leave you physically exhausted for some time. It's one of the side effects of having your 'nut cracked'. I had a craniotomy 6 years ago and it takes time. The other treatments that you've gone thru, either chemo and/or radiation also can leave you feeling tired for some time, coupled with a 7 month old baby, you've more than have a handful. Go online to the Lance Armstrong Foundation and request a survivorship notebook. You only pay for the shipping. There is so much information there and resources of where you can get help not only for yourself, but your family in surviving your cancer. Your kids are especially needy and clingy because they're afraid of losing you. I speak from 1st hand experience. My brain tumor, my brain wart as we call in our house has become a member of the family. It's just here. One of the advantages with having this added attraction is that you can profess to having more brain matter than the average bear!! and you've got pictures to prove it. Humor is key. Every day is a good day, because it's another day, but the kids and your husband are afraid, and you're the Mom, the fix-it person, the person who takes care of them and they don't know quite how to fix you. Talk with your oncologist about a support group. I know that when I went to my 1st brain tumor conference with other 'survivors' I felt so relieved. I could express my fears without someone freaking out, I could ask for help and folks knew what I was talking about and could give me reasonable solutions. I would also suggest talking to your kids' pediatrician. Let them know what's happening with you and maybe they could be the ear for your kids, the person they can talk to about their fears, the school counselor for your teenager is a good resource as well. www.laf.org for the Lance Armstrong Foundation. T.H.E. Braintrust for a board, much like this one for folks who have brain tumors, and it's divided up into types of tumors, so you can talk with folks who have a similar pair of shoes like yours they're walking in. Take good care and I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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And why would you feel overwhelmed -- 4 children - 3 in really needy periods ( our culture does NOT acknowledge how needy teens and pre-teens are - but they ARE - allmost like toddlers- though it's hard to see their cuteness- lolol)-
and recovery from a more than scary medical event - and - needs from children spread ALL over the map - been there - done that -.
Oh MAN do I know ( when my 32 year old son was tiny -- I was sure I would sprout donkey ears so I could bray --- carrying- lugging, managing -- that year with a baby recovering from a near death experience and a 5 year old in Kind' - my husband was on a year 'isolated duty' for the Coast Guard on a tiny island between Japan and Hawaii -- so it was just me - and the church and my mother and the children and the dog - all HAD to have me - glug)

You might try telling your husband with your wonderful sense of humer that you want to be THE person he comes to for wit, support, and good conversation and that right now you need a kind of affection that looks more like romance than intimacy -- ( might not get it - and it certainly IS a man thing - silly, wonderful creatures - lololol)

You are in my prayers- because we WANT you - to heal- to laugh- to tell us - '''no - that's not what I needed''

Dont stop asking, K.--- I'm listening-

J., aka -Old Mom

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I so understand what you're saying. I get it... I really do! My husband and I have had the same discussion, and he doesn't get it either. I have tried to explain that I need things just as much as him and the kids do... but I need him to do them because he wants to do them, the same as I want to do things for him. For instance... I can reach over and grab his hand, or cuddle up to him when we're watching a movie... but I NEED him grab my hand, or pull me closer, so that I know he wants me there. He just looks at me like I'm speaking alienese or something!!!
I wish I could tell you a way to magically make it better, but I can't. I can advise two things that help me. One, do something for you... not because you need to, but because you WANT to. Buy something you don't need, color your hair, get your nails done, etc. etc. etc. Whatever it is that you can live without but want anyway. Just go do it. Two, try to change your point of view about some of those things. You mentioned that your kids need you and your friends need you. Try to keep in mind that they want you as well... your friends choose you to "need". Yes, it feels like needing only, but regardless, it's not you they have to call... it's you they choose to call. And your kids... they need certian things, but they want those things from you, and you only. They would not be happy just getting their needs met... they want YOU to be there with them, to hold them when they are hurt, to kiss their boo boos, to fix their meals, etc.

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Could you go on strike? ;)

Seems to me a saw a movie about that some years ago. With the exception of your 7 month old, maybe you could let the others fend for themselves for a week - might make them realize just how much they *appreciate* you!

Just a thought - but I think that's what I would try. :)

Oh honey I am right there with you! While it seems that your life is a whole lot more overwhelming then my own, I can completely relate! and I do think that it is a man thing, cuz my husband is the same way! I can not offer you any words of sage advice on how to deal with this, but I would will a willing attendant to our joint pity party!

Sounds like you need a vacation away from all these needy people!! Maybe you should book yourself into a spa and let your husband know he's got the kids for the weekend. ;-) I remember my mom "going on strike" when I was a kid and refusing to do anything for any of us. Well, I totally understand where she was coming from now! Maybe you should try that and at least take a nice, long hot bath and get away from it all for an hour or so if not longer!

Oh sweetie, you need a little pampering, go get a pedi, do a girls evening if you can't swing a weekend. You are wanted, I just know it people are just used to you being the "go to" person and figure oh don't worry K. will do it, she doesn't mind. Believe me I know I've been there, been that girl, I just had a girls weekend and it made me appreciate me again. It was great :-) Good Luck. Hugs D.

Kelli:

First things first. You have to want yourself and love yourself, to know that you deserve more. When you come to this you will be able to assert the word no, with love. Basically, you teach people how to treat you and saying no can be a gift to you and the relationships you have with others. Saying NO will weed out the relationships that are one sided and not healthy for your well-being.

The best to you.

D.

Hi K. H

Been there, felt that, know what you mean. My kids are 22, 18 and 15, been with my man 15 years. From experience with self and friends, you are right in the middle of being needed and the people around you are not in the stage of life to communicate "wanted" compared to "needed". I can't speak for your spouse, I have no idea what type of guy he is. Maybe he is trying to express his love and support of you by expressing intimate desires for you? Or, has he always equaled wanted with sex? Stuff to work out for sure.

AND..."recovery process from brain cancer" - I'm pretty sure that dealing with that might make you have higher expectations of those you love since you are dealing with live and death in a very intimate way.

Do you have any support networks for cancer survivors? Do you have any close friends? I can guarantee they know and will express the difference between needed and wanted.

Thanks for the invitation...LOL...hope you get lots of support. Make sure you communicate with friends and support networks...it's important to seek out people that are appropriate and able to fill the needs you are missing.

I can sooo relate. We live in a "needy" society - so, we NEED to find time for just ourselves. It's ok to be selfish about it. Your family with love you for it. Especially once they realize how calm, loving and relaxed your are when you do take a break to so something nice for yourself. Believe me, I am still working on this concept myself :o). But when I am able to get a break - oh it feels so good. I enjoy my kids more. Best of luck to you - my prayers are with you.

Oh- I am so there with you!

I just read this great article in an older issue of Real Simple magazine and it helped me immediately:

http://www.realsimple.com/realsimple/content/0,21770,###-...?

And if no one else is thinking of you, think of yourself. You are worth it! Kids and husbands seem to forget we are people sometimes. They see us as the person to fulfill their needs. It is your duty to let them do things for themselves sometimes, though.

Hang in there!

Hi K.,

It sounds like you have a lot going on. Not just in your request, but also in your personal info about your family and your recovery. Trust me I do know how you feel at times, but I also wonder if you have any issues about your cancer that you might need to deal with. I do not mean to lessen how you feel or insult you, I just know that sometimes people have some depression and such that go with surviving or batteling cancer. Having to deal with that alone can make you feel alone and worn.

Too often our families get into a pattern of treating moms like a slave or hired help to be at their beck and call. Mine drive me nuts. I quite my job a couple years ago to stay home and care for my kids. I have noticed that every few months I start to feel trapped. I love my kids and love being ome with them, but I also get tired of 24-7 kids. I need some me time. I have a friend who does nto understand that and she makes me feel guilty when i bring it up, so i dont. My husband does not understand. He works nights so he sleeps most of the day. 2 of our 3 kids are in school now, so when he gets up the toddler is going down for a nap. He leaves for work pretty much right after the two get home from school. his days off is in the middle of the week. During the summer he sees them more because of no school, but right now I feel like a single mom the stays home. I have to juggle sports and scouts and pta. It all gets to me and I need to get way.

When it gets really bad I will take an afternoon and go to the movies by myself. My friends and I also try to do a girls night out once a month on the 1st friday. It is a scheduled thing and everyone knows about it. The kids get a sitter and pizza, and my frined spouses get daddy duty. Maybe these are things you can do. I have also gone on trips. One of my friends and I went to vegas for 2 nights and saw 4 shows. She doesn't gamble and so that was what she wanted to do. This week I am going to Dallas for a MOPS convention. That is a good group to get involved with. I really like to have a couple hours to bond with other moms who have some kids my kids ages. I always feel energized when i go. I also have plans to go stay at a local hotel for the night. I want to read a book or craft without having to deal with the kids or anything. I may do this with a friend or just by myself.

good luck. I hope this helped you. and just know you are not alone.

I will be waiting for my invitation to your party! I can completely relate to being "needed." I have a 2 yr old and 10 month old and work full time. By the end of the day when the kids go to bed, I just want to be left alone for an hour or so. Of course my husband doensn't get that. So I say hide out in the shower whenever you can or take an hour to yourself if you can get it! I feel overwhelmed everyday, but those smiling faces make it worth it. Maybe give yourself a timeout and enjoy :)

Hi K.,

It's a funny thing being needed because when it is gone, it is really gone. I work full time, have a full time business on the side as a photographer, have two children, all parents alive and living close and a wonderful husband. Recently my oldest went off to college and it has taken a year to realize she just doesn't need me like she once did. Now she WANTS my advise because she trusts I will give her the best that I can due to me being there when she "needed" me I suspect. My mom recently went through cancer treatments and although I have three siblings they were nowhere to be found. My mom and dad needed me and that pretty profound for me.

Laundry - make your kids do it. Show them or get baskets and label them darks, whites, colors. When the basket is full some one has to start the laundry. That one is a no brainer.

Husbands lunch - start putting love notes in it. He will want you in different ways. Trust me, this one works. I have also started texting my husband at weird times little love notes. It isn't about sex just spending time together. But you are right, guys definately have a different perspective thing on the being wanted issue!

The dog - make the kids bath the dog, pay them if you have to.

My girls aren't responsible for any housework or "chores". They do however, have to do their own laundry and have every since they were about twelve. They are to get excellent grades taking advanced studies, play the sport of their choice and do it well; my oldest is on an academic and athletic scholarship at Gonzaga for her studies and crew and my youngest is trying out for basketball this weekend in front of many D1 colleges. This isn't to say everyone should go this far but do something they like and take pride in. We tried many things when they were young - music, dance, art, etc. They chose sports and they are good at it.

I am no expert but I have sat in your chair many, many times. It will end and when it does it is sad. They grow up way to fast and now I wish I had more children.

Find something fun for you today - even if it is a $10 magazine that has cool stuff in it - can you believe magazines cost that much?

A.
Lake Stevens

K.,

I'm SOOOOOO WITH YOU!!!!! It's funny I have been saying the same EXACT thing lately. I guess it's just the "MOMMY" job. Boy, it's exhausting, overwhelming, tiring, and just plain OLD!!!!!!!!! We have only two boys ages 15 years (will be 16 in two weeks) and an 11 years old. My husband has not been well for almost five years now, we are remolding our house, our dog follows me around EVERYWHERE. I can't even pee or shower without someone interupting me.

Anyway, Hang in there. It will be over too soon. (so they say LOL :) ) Just keep trying to think happy thoughts. The more happy thoughts you think the more your body will become happy.

Your not alone!!!

We are all secretely in it together.

K.,

I don't need the invitation, I am so completely where you are right now.

My kids are boy 5 years and girl 18 months. The only time I get any sort of "me time" is when they go to bed. But by then I'm so tired from the day that all I want to do is fall in bed.

I can't wash the dishes because my daughter will get into everything. Or she'll start beating up on her brother. If I sit down to read my book both kids want me to read them books, even though my son can read independently. As I sit here typing this my kids are playing with each other at the table instead of eating their breakfasts, I'm needed to referee.

If I tell my husband that I need his help with household chores he gets all pissy and pouty and doesn't seem to understand what I'm talking about.

I completely understand where you're at, I'm at the same place.

M.

I understand completely. All I ever hear is about what I can do for other people, it is never about me. It can be hard when so mush is just expected of you. I would find someone you can talk to, if not your husband or a friend, then a professional. You need to feel valued, or you will not be fulfilled.

Blessed Be.

Wowsers!!! First off - Kudos on surviving brain cancer!!!! I understand your need to be wanted. I know we live a crazy world - so fast pace. I hope that you can get your need to be wanted. I don't really have any real advice, but hope and strength to keep up the great job that you are doing being a momma!!!!

I blogged about this just last week! My husband (who is high maintenance, but less than he used to be) says, "If Mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." What everyone doesn't realize is that, with all of their pulling you in so many directions, they are breaking you down. For men, sex = love...but I have the same conversations with my husband that you described (does that make this TMI? lol).

You need to figure out what YOU NEED. I thought it was time with friends, so I set up play dates so I could socialize. Nope. Wasn't it. Then I had a breakthrough. With all the "needing" I had to endure from others, what I most needed was time to myself. With kids, without hubby (sorry, honey!) My husband gave me a Saturday off, and I went off to a coffee shop and wrote all day (I'm a writer), went to a stupid movie by myself, ate by myself, walked around town by myself, and had a blissful day.

If you are unhappy, you aren't whole, and you won't be able to give to others as they would like. Your job is to take care of your own needs, too...and sometimes they come first. If they don't, you'll never get to them.

Check out my blog, if you like: http://shakespearemom.today.com

And take care of yourself. Feel free to e-mail me more if you need to vent. Goodness knows we all do!

Try living a life where no one needs you and you'll appreciate coming back to your life as it is. I do understand though. I raised 5 children of my own, do foster care and I live the life of the needed. I do my best to teach each of humans in my life to need themselves. My husband has learned to cook meals, when needed. My children all learned to do their own laundry by age nine. The children in our household all have their own chores, although I am the one doing the follow through there. I teach them all to sew enough to sew on a button or mend a small tear. They all help with laundry, sorting their own, putting the folded clothes away. Apparently I have done something right because as adults, they all come home to visit on their own. They all thank me for all I've done now that they are adults.
When you are in the middle of being needed more than wanted, it's hard to understand that they also want you there. Try taking a day off, letting them fix their own breakfast, find their own shoes, put the baby in daycare and go out to lunch. Don't be there when they walk in the door. Even if you arrange a sitter, you'll find out that that is not the same to them as seeing you there to greet them. Change things in their schedule so they see how much you mean in their lives and they will show a little more appreciation when you are there everyday. And take that day off just to take care of yourself. Don't be there to fix dinner and turn the bed down for your husband for an evening here and there and he'll learn to show a little more appreciation for what you do in his life. Again, take care of yourself and they will learn that from you also. If we women don't stand together, we fall apart. Especially with the challenges you must be going through, I would think your family would appreciate you being there. I. Jensen

I'm right there with you K.. I have 'mommy melt downs' often because of this very reason. Something that has helped me a lot, was the book, 'Power of a praying wife'. I don't know if your a believer or not but it helped. One thing to understand about men, they are NOT wired in the same way as us. They opperate on testosterone, that is just they way they are. I'm not making excuses for this but it's the truth. It will really help if you can understand that. I have gone through what you are going through now. I belong to a Mom's group at my church, there are about 12 of us. It has helped so much having the friendship and support.
Our kids are about the same age. I have a son who's 14 and in his first year of high school....YIKES! My daughter is 10 and I have a daughter that is 6. I also love my kids and husband but being a wife and mother is NOT easy. It's OK to feel the way you are feeling right now, don't for a minute feel quilty or let anyone make you feel quilty. Now that my 6 yr. old is in the first grade, I have 7 hours a day to take care of me! (or the house, LOL) I have coffee or lunch with friends sometimes and just take time for me. It has helped. Things are also easier when the kids are a bit older and more independant. I will hold you in my prayers.
A little TMI, hee hee....Our sex life has improved 100%. Keep up the faith, you'll get past this storm and enter a new season before you know it.
:-) Hugs
D.
SAHM of 3 kids
Married to a wonderful man for 13 yrs.

K.,
Sounds like you have alot going on! Do your parents ever take the kids just so you can have some alone time? Time for you? One thing I realized being the single mom that I am, I need to take a 30-60 min block to MYSELF everyday a time where I cant be bugged and atime where I am just doing something for ME. Your husband could help your parents, inlaws, friends someone. Doing this everyday will help you feel more relaxed and enjoy being needed more. More importantly it will help your sanity!! Hope this helps!
A.

K.:

sounds like you need a vacation without the husband and kids. Then they'll really appreciate and want you.

If I were you, I'd divide up the responsibilities so everyone helps out. Your husband can make his own lunch, and the kids will get a chance to learn responsibility if they are in charge of some of the household duties. What better real world training could they get?

Sorry you aren't getting what you need from your family and friends. You deserve to. Thanks for the invitation to your pity party.

Sincerely,

Kim

Yes you totally have my sympathy!!

As a side note when I get pushed too far into that corner I get a little snappy and irratated. I have to remember that this is the job that God gave me and he would like me to do it for Him-- happily. There is a higher purpose to the day to day drudgery. If it you work it right it can count doing dishes as a worship service hahaha (or make the kids do them).

Start with yourself. Take some time in the day, even if it's 15 minutes that you carve out for you to take care of and appreciate yourself. No one else is obligated, no one else has such a vested interest in preserving the precious uniqueness of you. Stop expecting anyone else to look after you, and take the initiative to be kind and caring of yourself. Amazingly enough, others notice that process. Not everyone will jump in and help you, but many will. Find a space, go in and lock the door. Read, pray, reflect, meditate, get a half hour massage, or what ever it is that helps you renew. Make it clear to ALL that during that time you are unavailable for anyone else's needs. And then stick to it -- even if twinges of guilt try to slither their way into you -- because you are worth it. Rest assured, everyone who "needs" will find a way to start taking care of their own issues if they know you are not going to drop your few minutes of time to jump to their aid. Good luck.

I so understand!! Everyone needs me! My friend needs me to watch her son every day, but of course no money; but when I wanted to go out on my birthday she was too busy with her boyfriend! Every day getting kids up for school feed 2 breakfast, 5 kids out the door, drop 2 off, return home, feed 2 more kids,make baby a bottle,2 days a week go to work by 9:30 (taking the three boys with me ages 13 months, 3 years, and 4 month). THEN 3 days a week take JayJay to preschool! Arg I think it is so a man think to automatically associate wanting with sex, really not even makeing love I swear! AND then my mother needs a ride here, there, fix her computer. And then if I happen to be sitting on the computer when my husband get home from work (or school 3 nights a week) he thinks that is all I did all day! Just becuase the clean clothes are not folded, doesn't mean I did not do anything.

What I started to tell the kids is that I NEED to have mommy time! So I take time to read to them or myself; if I read to myself my only girl (9years old) reads to the boys. I alos have made a list with them of the things I do daily and how they could help me!

I don't have a personal story about how to fix this, but my best friend has been going through a similar thing. Her husband is clueless about approaching her for affection, attention or anything else really. I suggested that she ask for things point blank (I know that this SEEMS to take the fun out of it). She thought that it was worth a try so she started asking... Baby, I want you to cuddle with me.. or, honey, will you please hold the baby while I take a shower? She also started putting little notes all around the house.. I need a hug.. or, say something to make me feel good. She came back to me 2 days later and said, You know, I thought it would take the magic away, but it feels just as good when HE hugs me, whether I asked him or not.

Many men just need to be given direct directions. They don't seem to see that you're struggling with holding a baby, cooking a meal and you haven't take a shower in 3 days..

Make some time for yourself. Your two older kids (and certainly your husband) can fend for themselves. Make your husband make his own lunch, do his own laundry. Say NO every once in awhile! I'm thinking of you...

Oh wow! I accept your invite and feel sorry for you all the way sweetie!

I think your hubby needs to take a step back. Explain to him that intimacy and sex are two TOTALLY differnt things. Intimacy is candles, cuddles, a movie and ZERO expectation of sex at the end. His version of being wanted is sex. It is a guy thing. I have a totally understanding guy who doesn't feel wanted if we don't make love. But we talk and he understands WHAT I need to feel wanted. Unfortunately you will have to break it down into an actual list of what makes you feel wanted. Guys work great with this as mystery is just that to them....mystery! We hear wanted and remember their favorite candy or song to cheer them up. They hear wanted and think south of the border. That's not crass - it is just the difference. But communication is key.

It sounds like your parents need a lesson as well. Communicate to them that you enjoy helping out, but you do need something in return since you are on burn out here. Let them know you have needs as well even though you are grown. A night out wouldn't mom and dad. This goes with your friends. Let down the wall and tell them you NEED someone to listen to you...AND to go out with you! Make them help you have a good time. You deserve this!!! They deserve to help you as your friends!!

Kids....yeah well I am going to cry right along with ya. But hey! On the bright side they get to water your plants and get your mail in the future *winks*.

I hope things gets better. Communication!! *Hugs*

C.

Hi, My name is B., and I know exactly what you mean! Please let me know if you ever feel wanted cause I want to know your secret. I am married with three children ages 11yr old girl, 6yr old boy and a 8mo old boy. I also a nurse, who works a busy schedule.

I'm ready to join the club! What should I wear?

Right now I can't think of any great words of wisdom but I wanted you do know K. that I understand completely how you feel, you're not alone!
E.

Thank you for saying it!!!! I have no idea how to fix it, but I really do appreciate how well you've articulated how just about all of us are feeling. I never knew I'd have to be so many things to so many people. I actually find myself saying, "Calgon, take me away!"

You're not alone.

Hi, K.,

I hope this essay makes you feel better... I teach it all the time to my students:

http://inst.santafe.cc.fl.us/~mwehr/HumanRel/14WifeW.html

I'll be thinking of you,
Shaindel

A person can make it through life never getting what they want, they can NEVER survive without getting what they need. Needs are more valuable than wants because they keep you alive. Being needed means you are valuable, it means survival without out you would be very difficult.

That being said there are many things that you listed that can be delegated. Your children are old enough to help out around the house and learn to survive on their own. Your husband can make his own lunch! Being a family is a team effort, you are the coach - you keep the team running but you can't play each position or the whole team falls apart.

What I've learned about husbands. They like to fix things, if you come to them with a problem they will try to fix it they way they would like it fixed if they were in the same circumstances. They have a hard time seeing things from your perspective. If you want something from them you have to be very specific, don't let them guess what you need because they will usually get it wrong. If you need a cuddle, tell him. If you need time alone, tell him. If you need help with dinner, tell him. Don't leave him guessing because if the choice is up to him he will choose what is easy for him.

We've all been to pity parties, lets re-write the invite and have a joy party instead.

What???? Why are YOU doing all of that? You have older kids. They should be taking care of the dog, helping do laundry, getting food out, your family will not know how to live on their own some day if you don't teach them now how to do things for themselves. My boys did dishes, ironed, folded laundry, cleaned, mowed the yard, cooked, because I did not want them to make their wives have to do what you are doing.
Liberate yourself! It's never too late. God Bless.

K.:

It seems as though you are going through the same thing I am going through. I am tired of being needed all the time and just want to be needed for what I feel I should be needed.

Our husbands sound the same too. I think that men just seem like if they make love to their woman, then that woman should feel loved. It is a guy thing.

I would honestly suggest finding something that is just yours. You seem like a really busy person and I'm not sure of your financial position, but please try to find something that interests you in your life (past or present) that you can do for yourself.

I think we tend to lose ourselves in our busy lives with kids and a husband. In fact, I've been a little restless lately and am still considering going to see Dale Jr. (yes, I am a woman Nascar fan) because there is a charity event that I would love to attend. Plus, seeing him wouldn't be so bad either. But financially, we are strapped because our house back in KS won't sell and we are paying 2 mortgages + all the bills that go with trying to keep 2 homes.

Do you see where I'm getting at? My point is, that sometimes, you need to find a release in something else to find happiness. If that means blowing the budget and being a little selfish, then do it.

Rather than ruin your life though, try to find something like yoga, or a woman's group that meets weekly, or get a babysitter and go out on the town with your husband. You may have to push hard to make him understand, but eventually, he will listen and you will find your happiness. Until then, work on an area of your life that makes you happy (i.e.yourself away from your family) for at least an hour a day.

Good luck and if you would like to meet, or just to talk, my phone number is ###-###-####.

PS-I agree with Beth B in the next section too. Being needed in a valuable trait, but I still believe that you need something just for you.

Congrats on making it through cancer. I am also a strong supporter of Susan G. Kommen Foundation, and did lobbying in KS for relief of cancer on the colon and other areas. I think you're a wonderful person for going through what you went through and still coming out with your sanity. Your family needs to pamper you and love you for all you have been through.

Kim B.

Yes, I can relate and if you have a pity party I'm sure you'd get a huge turnout.

This is why once all 5 of us kids were out of the house, my mother separated from my dad -- got a small house down the street where she could live on her own and not have to take care of anyone but herself for once. She and my dad continued to be friendly but she just wanted to finally not have to shop, cook, clean for another person every day. Sounds heavenly, huh?

wow it is nice to know someone out there feels the same way. by the time the kids are in bed, the animals fed, the laundry done, the dishes put away, ect. ect. all i want to do is go to sleep and sure enough the phone will ring witha friend having a problem or the husband needs his attention. Yes I know how you feel and YES I do offer my sympathy to you. it is a tough place to be in. if you ever want to chat feel free to send and email. ____@____.com wishing you all the best.

I am so sorry to hear about your brain cancer.You have had stress coming at you from all directions.

I have been where you are and am sure that there are very few women who have not been there. I felt invisible until I was needed and knew I had to do something to get better. I tried date night but again I was the one making all of the arrangements until I told my husband that it was his turn. I explained that I loved being his wife and the childrens mom but was losing myself and needed to find me again. He was not sure what I was talking about but admited that he could tell I was not happy. I said please just hold me but no sex show me that you want me for me not my body. I was surprised when that night he did. We fell asleep in each others arms. It was a beginning

I knew that I had to find time for me no kids or husband allowed. I saw a flyer for classes and decided to join. I loved it and found I was happier as no one there needed me. My best friend asked me to go to the ocean for the weekend and I was very apprehensive as I had never left without some of my family with me. My husband said to go and he would stay with the kids. I was nervous when I left but as the weekend went on I relaxed and had a wonderful time. Walking the beach with only the sound of the waves was the best therapy. I found shells on the beach and took them home for the kids.I came home refreshed and ready to be a happier mom and wife. For me getting away once and awhile was the answer. My husband and I also found time to get away with and without the kids.

I hope that I was some help. The answer is inside you. Something as simple as taking a class or joining a book club can make a world of difference. If you are nervous start small with Mom time at home. You get one hour to yourself each night. Take a book and light candles and read a book or take a bubble bath. Explain to everyone that you need you time.

I have now been married to the same man for 43 years and still take time out for me and for us.

Blessings

HI K.,
I want you to know that you are not alone. I only have one kid but I always treat it like my husband is the other kid. LOL Also our dog is very needy too. When I read your post I just couldn't help but shake my head in agreement. Isn't it amazing how as women we are expected to hold it all together? If Mom isn't happy then the entire family isn't happy. My advice to you is to get out and do more to make yourself happy! Tell your husband to watch the kids if its just for one day and go do what YOU want to do. You are blessed! I'm hoping you are feeling better since you are still recovering. I know it's not easy with 4 kids and i applaud you because im exhausted with just one!! Hang in there and try and enjoy your "me" time. Make sure you make that time for yourself. I run myself too hard and I learned you just gotta take it. Good luck!

I hear ya sister! I rarely feel wanted...always needed or demanded. At certain times it gets to me more than others. That's when I plan a date night with my husband or girl time with one of my best friends. I try not to talk about the things that are bothering me during these special outings/times, but talk about my hopes or dreams or something that is interesting that I've read or heard. When our time is finished I feel like a new woman. It feels good to be just me...not someones mother, wife, or daughter for awhile. Then I feel happier being all of those things again. My friends and husband get it and enjoy that time as much as I do. We always agree that it's the best time. Hope you feel better soon. Take care.

Oh Man do I hear you on that one. I had to finally just tell me husband..."Look the kids hang off me all day and then you come home and hang on me. Don't you think I am allowed a little down time?" Ever since we had a big talk about it he has been helping out. Sometimes he comes home and does the dishes and cooks dinner and tells me to chill on the couch alone. Or he puts the kids to bed and lets me have an hour to myself. He is starting to understand that I can not give him attention unless I get some time to just be alone...it has taken 10 years, but I am glad he finally figured it out. We still have our days when he needs a reminder, but I am at the point in my life when I have realized I just need to be upfront and honest with him and say things in simple terms and directly. Men don't understand if you don't get right to the point.

I hope you get things worked out.
D.

Oh I hear ya loud and clear!!!! I don't have any advice I just wanted to let you know that there are other out there that feel just the way you do! Good luck, T.

Hey there. I know what you mean! I'm in a bit of a different boat because my kids ages are quite different than yours (2.5 and 11 months), but I think I understand the being needed all the time thing. I'm not sure what to do about the kids part of it, but if your husband is willing, one book that was great that my husband and I read together (though it's probably time to re-read it) is called His Needs, Her Needs. Maybe it would help him see some different aspects of what you need. It is a great book, and really helped me understand my husband better, and vice versa. =) Good luck!

You must be the kind of person who is strong and dependable. That's why people ask you for so much and need you so much. That is commendable. Yet, it sounds like you need to set appropriate boundaries. If you say no and set special mommy time just for you, they will get the message. You are a human 'being', not a human 'doing' and need more quiet time to yourself. Esp. since you are recovering from a very severe health challenge, create more margins for yourself, say No more, and get away from the nagging and needing. What makes you feel connected to yourself? Prayer? Sports? Art? Reading? walks on the beach? Whatever it is, do it and do it regularly. You will be a better mother, daughter, wife, etc. if you take care of yourself first. Remember when you take a plane/flight, they tell you to put the oxygen on first then take care of others second. The same goes in life. God bless your efforts! You have my complete empathy. I once was a human 'doing' and felt stretched and unwanted.

I think you are not alone! I think many moms go through this at different times throughout life. When it happens for me I tell my husband we need to reconnect, no TV no computer, just us. I also think that kids are selfish by nature, not mean selfish, but their focus is on them, so unless you have been wonder mom most don't think to ask how they can help our day go better. Maybe you need to delegate some of your responsibilities so they know you need them too and it would also free up some time to pamper yourself. You need to take care of you first sometimes, even just 5 minutes here and there throughout your day. Well good luck and stay strong.

I can't say I've lived your exact situation, but who can? I have felt the same exhaustion, where you just don't want to be needed anymore. There are some days where I get to the point that I am just done. If you want someone to understand where you are coming from, sometimes you just need a mom who is in the trenches too. If you can't convince anyone else to want you instead of need you, do something that you want to do. See if they can make do without you for a few hours and read a book, take your baby on a walk during this last few days of no rain, take a relaxing bath, anything that makes you feel like you and not the person everyone needs you to be.

Sometimes if I have a chance to step back and take a break from things, it helps me remember that the people who need me also love, appreciate and respect me and also want me to be with them.

I hear you!!!! I too am in the 'sandwhich generation' where both my kids and my parents need me. When they travel, I'm their house oversee-er, when they are injured, I'm their Physical Therapist (they belive that paying my tuition gets them free medical services...lol - I do agree, my idea of a joke). I only have 2 kids, 9 and almost 6..no more babies. I'm sure your little guy really does need you. I think maybe the older 2 can learn a bit more independence, and caring for some needs...cleaning house/kitchen, putting clothes away etc.
Your friends really should 'reimburse' need time. Can anyone watch the baby while you go grab a cup of coffee or tea at starbucks? do find ways to take care of youreself. I think it helps prevent mommy burn out. I like to scrap book when ever I can. A friend is a consultant and hosts monthly scrap sessions that I try to get to more often then not.
HOpe that helps...and send me an invite to that pity party!

oh girl, i totally get that. i feel the same. like when is someone going to realize i feel like this and say, "hey, let's give her a break. Go get a pedicure or something while i take the kids. or, honey lets have a date." i know, i know, it sounds selfish, but it's not hardly. your family sound help you and make you feel wanted and important to them. plus it sounds like you've been through a lot. you are strong. god bless you. write me and we'll talk whenever you want.

I understand! I think most moms do! I tend to go on strike when this happens...refuse to cook supper and my husband will take us out. Maybe you could arrange for a sitter and have a dinner out, or a saturday with your hubby. then tell him, This is what I mean when I say I want to be wanted! Make some time for yourself!

I would love to come to your pity party. Please send me an invitation!

Being needed is part of the job description when we decide to become moms, but is anyone really prepared to being on duty 24/7, 365 days a year? It is more than humanly possible. So speak up when you have needs. Your husband and older kids can make meals, feed the dog and care for the little ones. It is good for them, the helpers as well as the receivers. We want our children to become independent so it benefits them to start learning now.

Our husbands depend on us so much because we are so good at what we do. They can become good at some of these tasks, too, and get a better idea of what all we do all day. They may even begin to appreciate us!

It is also OK for moms to take a vacation. A real vacation, not camping with the family or going somewhere that makes more work for you! I try to get away at least once a year, to the coast for a long weekend or longer to meet friends or sisters. The hardest part is giving oneself permission to do something for ourselves but it is worth it.

I hear ya! I will join that party with you. LOL
What I have done is instead of telling my husband I need to feel wanted I tell him things I would like him to do to help out so I don't feel like everyone is always needing "ME" for everything. The other thing is we do a date night each month, we switch months to plan it. So I planned it this month and he will plan our date night out next month. Which means he has to do it all! Then surprise me with where we are going and what we are doing. That means he also has to figure out where the kids will be going and staying. It really helps!
Good Luck!

Hi K.,
It sounds like you need to set some boundries. Say no a few times and be consistant. Ask for help.Get the older kids involved. Assign jobs, chores. You may have to sit down and have a family meeting. Stick to your guns believe me there will be some resistance. However, the payoff will be huge.Try to take some me time daily. You can do this. Take care of yourself. Good luck.

P. C.

It sounds like you deserve to have a little pity party, you have a lot on your plate. Being a mom and wife can be a thank less job. I have three kids a husband a job, so I do understand. Sometimes I feel the same way, we do get taken for granted. Just remember your family does need you, but they wouldn't want just anyone to do these things for them, they want YOU! Your the mom and wife and everything about you makes you wanted. Your not their nanny and housekeeper, you are the one they love and no one else does things the same way you do. Not to belittle what nanny's or housekeepers or sitter do, but it is wonderful that you can do all of these things for them and not be paying someone else to do the work.

I worked full time with my older kids and stay at home with my daughter, that is three, when the older kids get sassy, (two boys, 10 and 8), I just remind them how lucky they are that I am now at home to be the one to shuttle them around (instead of being at daycare until 5pm) and help with homework and have their friends over here for playdates. When my daughter has her little three year old melt downs I remind myself that I missed this with the other two and I am so lucky especially in these times that I can be home with her.

Hope this helps? There are days that I my husband and I don't even kiss goodnight because we are so tired. But, on the weekend we try to make up for it by having quality time. Maybe if you explain to your husband that being wanted is wanting to spend time being together, going out for coffee or a movie, or sitting and talking when the kids are in bed, or snuggling and watching a comedy. Those are things that make me feel like my husband wants my company and brings us closer together.

Hang in there.

T. :)

K.,
I've been in your boat as well as many moms in my circle of friends and school parents. One of the moms who is a wonderful person; always smiling, laughing and having a great time even when she is feeling crummy, told me to say "NO". That is the most difficult thing for me to do because I want to help everybody. (I think it's a control / popularity thing. Yes, I was one of the band geeks in school and not popular with any crowd)

Once I started saying no, I began to feel better, especially about myself. We only have two boys, but I am running them everywhere with their sports and afterschool activities. I am exhausted, but I still feel great because there are other moms who have been there too.

Feeling wanted and not needed is something that only you can define and resolve for yourself.

My husband of 14yrs is very supportive and helpful with the boys even when he is exhausted and doesn't want to help.

I pray that your husband begins to change his thinking and realize what a gem he has in front of him. Dealing with any type of cancer is exhausting and can really make a person feel bad about themselves.

Yes, you need to learn how to say "NO" but you also need to be able to ask for help.

I wish you well with lots of hugs and prayers.

Also, if you haven't read it, check out this book series. It is cute, kids love it and the best part is mamma always gives her little one "Furry, purry kisses" - Skippyjon Jones (There are three books and they are great)

I hear and feel your frustration! I am a single mom of 4 girls (17/10/4/2) I am "needed" constantly! However, I have learned to deligate very well, which helps ease the neediness. Get your kids to help you out! My 10 yr old loved to make her dad's lunch. My two oldest do their own laundry and have set chores that they do weekly. We are a team!
Now don't get me wrong...they don't always do these things with a positive attitude. I do hear and occassional..."I hate doing this", but I love to respond with the same answer when they are wanting something to eat. Stops them dead in their tracks every time. Hmm...guess I can use that to get out of doing what is required of me. Especially if mom can use it to get out of feeding me? lol
If you want to feel wanted...set up mommy dates with your kids individually. I do this mostly with my 10yr, because she has a lot of anxiety from my divorce. Also do date night with your hubby. In no time you will feel that the time spent with you out of the house is very rewarding and satisfying!
God never gives us more than we can handle. It is us who like to heap up the servings on our plate when it is already full. Set boundries and stick to them! You don't have to be a people pleaser!!!
Smiles~
T.

Hi K.,
I was just at a ladies dinner at church the other night and the pastor's wife spoke. She talked about the pity party and changing it into another kind of party. I can't remember what she said, but I would guess it is a greatful party. Start listing things you are greatful for.

Have you read the book The Five Love Languages? It is really good. It may help you to understand and communicate your needs.
http://www.amazon.com/Five-Love-Languages-Heartfelt-Commi...

When I feel overly needed, I thank God for the people in my life who need me. I am glad they are in my life, even if they need me more than they want me. Try to think of something fun to do with them to get a change of pace. Let them know what you want, what would make you feel wanted and not just needed.
Blessings,
J.

Yes, I understand fully. I only have one child and my husband. Unlike you my husband rarely wants to make love when I want to. My daughter is in first grade now and I have 6 hours 2 days a week withouth her or my husband and I use all that time to buy the groceries, run errands and clean the house so they are not in my way. It's still not enough time. My husband has off Sunday through Wednesday and he doesn't help around the house, he just gets in my way.

Sounds like you need to read the book Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_b?url=search-alias%3Dst...

It is a life changing book... but you have to be ready for change otherwise don't waste your time! :)

A.
The Candle Bug
www.hyenacart.com/thecandlebug

Sounds like you need a bit of "Mommy R & R". :D I get that way sometimes. I'm a single mother of a 5 yr old son. Believe me, I understand what it's like to feel needed all the time and not wanted. It is overwhelming. I'm the ONLY thing my son has around that can provide for him. Phew! It become a seriously exhausting thing. Try seeing if someone would babysit the children for an hour or so...go on a date with your man or go on a outing for yourself. Even do something simple like go to the quietest part of the park and have lunch. You'd be surprised how much better you feel. :D

Yes, I understand completely!!! I just told my husband I'd about give my right pinky toe (seriously, cut it off!!) for a spa weekend that includes massage, yoga, bubble baths, great meals, long nights of uninterrupted sleep in a wonderfully comfy bed, and best of all - no-one needing me to do ANYTHING!!! I hear ya sista.

Oh K.,
You need some support! I too feel tired of being needed so much. I always tell my kids that I'm goiong to change my name, so that I don't always have to hear them saying mama, mama, mama... but on the other hand it sounds like you really have your hands full, with recovery and kids. I have a counsellor that I go see occasionally. I find that it helps alot to have an impartial ear to listen to me. YOu can ask your OB for a recommendation for counselors.
Take care of yourself, because chances are no one else will!
T.