I have a friend who just found out yesterday she had a miscarriage. She waited until she was eight weeks along before telling anyone she was expecting...that was one week ago.
Brief history about her; Her first pregnancy was a miscarriage, but she's had three adorable children, (boy-5, girl-4 and girl-2) since. She's handling it as well as expected, but I can understand why she's a bit down. My question is, what can I do, if anything, for her? She doesn't have any family that live close, so I'd like to be there for her...just don't know what to do!
Thank you,
ls
When I miscarried I didn't want to talk to anyone except my husband. It was nice to know I had friends that were there for me when I was ready to talk but for at least a week I would say just let her know you're there and then give her space. She will come to you if and when she's ready.
When I had my miscarriage, I didn't want to talk about it much. I was tired of rehashing the ordeal. Explaining our feelings or plans. I was exhausted by the talk, much less what was happening physically to me. People did lots of nice things. One neighbor brought over dinner, so I wouldn't have to cook. One neighbor left a bouquet of flowers by my door. A friend brought me a lovely plant. But the best, came from a neighbor down the street. She called and asked if she could stop by for a moment. When she arrived she announced that she was "kidnapping" my children for a few hours. She walked them to a park near by to play with her grandchildren. She told me as they were leaving and that I needed some time completely to myself...do whatever I wanted. Sleep, cry, clean, watch bad tv. It was the only time I was completely alone after my miscarriage. I didn't realize how much I needed that two and half hours. My neighbor is a counselor and her daughter has suffered two miscarriages, so she obviously knew something I didn't know. I am so grateful to her for that time and that gesture.
Just be a friend and listen if she wants to talk, or offer to watch her kids for a while. But I wouldn't push the issue or do the pity party thing with her or anything, some people prefer their privacy.
I had a miscarriage before I had my son.
Really for me, it was just personal and with my Husband.
I did NOT WANT anyone doing anything for me or telling me anything.
But just knowing my friends cared, was enough.
That is all.
It was just a very private matter.
And I didn't want people calling me to relay sympathy, because it just reminded me of everything and re-hashing it all, is so not needed.
Or you just ask her, what she needs or wants.
pray for her! be there for her if and when she is ready to talk about it. dont make her feel like she is being pitied. i have never had a m/c, but my 3 sons were all born with a birth defect, fixable with surgery, but i cannot stand when people say they feel sorry for them or have pitying looks on their faces. offer to take her kids for a night or two. offer to clean for her. ask her what she needs. you are such a kind friend to care and help, bless you!!
Honestly after my m/c I just wanted someone to sit with me quietly. I didn't want to talk, but have someone in the room with me at all times for a few days. Taking her other children so her and her SO can reconnect will also help out. Many thoughts and prayers for your friend.
Offer to babysit her kids so that she can have some alone time. 'TRY' not to tiptoe around the subject. Talk about it at her pace.
M.
I've had three.
Best things to do: Listen, tell her you're sorry for her loss and let her talk and grieve, make a nice meal for them & drop it off & don't hang around too much. Send a sympathy card or note telling her you're keeping her close in thought & prayer. Call every other day or so to let her know you're thinking of her & ask if there's anything she needs or would like you to do.
Worst things to do: Tell her there was likely something *wrong* with the baby & therefore it's for the best, encourage her to try again (not yet anyway), ignore their loss or act like everything is OK, ignore the topic completely.
You're a good friend for reaching out. Even i it doesn't seem like it--she needs you.
So sorry to hear that! It's nice of you to want to be there for her, and it means a lot to her, even if she doesn't say anything.
I was so sad, I just wanted to sleep for about a week after my miscarriage. My friends came and took care of my son for me while I dealt with my grief. Maybe you could ask if she'd like you to take her children for a day, or get a sitter for them and take your friend out to lunch.
Blessings to you and your friend.
It's really the little expressions of love, concern, and friendship that matter most. Take her a meal, take her a card and her favorite chocolate bar, offer to get out with her to see a movie or offer to watch her kids so she and her husband can have some time together. It's a hard loss to bear, but good friends who show understanding (like letting her decide when and how much she wants to talk about it/dwell on it) and kindness go a long, long way.
I had 3 miscarriages. I would suggest asking if she wants to go do something with you alone -- out to lunch, a cup of coffee, a walk. And then listen to her. She may not want to go, but knowing that you care enough to ask would mean a lot to her. If she says no one time, then I'd ask again in a week or two. Maybe get pedicures together or something fun like that, if that is in your budget. If not, then just go for a walk together. It costs nothing to listen, and that is what she needs most. Also, it takes longer to go through the emotions from a miscarriage, so I would continue to check on her and see how she is doing. You'll know when she is ok and you can stop asking. I found a lot of people checked on me right away and then only a few kept checking on me, and that meant a lot to me.
