Is It Weird to Be a Little Depressed Because My Best Friend Is Getting a Divorce

Keep it to yourself. She doesn't need to know about your sadness. Why are you making this about YOU? Be there for her, and keep it quiet. You don't actually know anything about their marriage. I wouldn't be surprised if he was like this behind closed doors since the beginning. You can't assume he was just a sweet little man that went wrong. Ya know?

I don't really understand where you are coming from. If my friend had the guts to leave and abusive and controlling marriage, I would be HAPPY for her. She can finally leave and live a peaceful life and go on to find someone who adores her. You can feel whatever you want, I just don't understand it.

ETA: Are you reading my answer? I never said you were wanting her to go back to him!! I never even eluded to that. You are taking my answer REALLY personally, and it was in no way personal. Take a breath.

It's not weird.
It's sad that a bid for 'happily ever after' didn't pan out.
When they started out, they were different people who were young and in love and their future together looked promising.
And then they grew into being other people who ended up being incompatible.
Now her future looks a lot more promising without him.
Express some sympathy but take your cue from her.
She may only want to look back at what might have been for a short while and then want to look forward to a bright future (and eventually dating again).

There is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. But, I would hold off saying you're sad that your friend's marriage is ending. It sounds like she's in a horrible situation and the best you can do is be there for her. It might help to remember that the end to their marriage has nothing to do with you.

I understand your sadness. When a seemingly happy couple falls apart over time it makes us all feel vulnerable, like ours could be next. It makes us see that people really do change, and sometimes not for the better. We also empathize with the pain we know our friend is feeling. But, for now, keep your sadness to your self and just be there for her, to support her in any and every way she may need. In time, with distance from the whole situation, after she has had time to heal, then you can bring up the emotions her divorce made you feel and the questions and uncertainties it brought up for you, but definitely not right now or anytime soon.

Being sad for your friend shows a lot of compassion. Telling your friend how sad you are is probably not as compassionate.

If this were me, in a moment of closeness, I would hug my friend and tell her how sad I am for her, that her marriage has come to this, but that you love her no matter what, and you are there for her no matter what. Going through a divorce like this will be ugly, nasty and isolating. So, be a true friend and be kind and understanding when she needs a shoulder and supportive.

I think it's very normal to feel sad - as yougn wives and moms you "grew up" togther. When i got divorced from my ifrst husband many years ago (before we had kids so it was more simple) due to his drug/alcohol addiction I did have friends who acted like it was contagious and I felt like I was dropped by them. Now many years later (30+) I know there is a little "contagiousness" to it - that people see how they can be free of a bad situation and take courage from a friend's actions. But I also had a few friends who stuck by me - and they told me they felt sad that an era had come to an end - not that I was getting out of a bad situation. They recognized that it was good for me to do what I was doing.

I don't think it's a bad thing to share with your friend the sadness of a failed marriage for her - trust me she feels sad about it too. But make sure she knows first that you are loyal to her and will be there for her and that you completely understand & support her need get out of this bad marriage.

I think what happens to many of us is that as we have kids and get older we feel a pull back to our roots. For many of us that's a good thing. But for couples from two different cultures, especially when one is demeaning to women like some Hindu sects and most Islamic groups, it can be a radical change within the marriage and not at all positive for the children. We humans are a mess sometimes...

I would sympathize with her, and MAYBE, if she brought it up and asked how you feel, mention it... But keep it downplayed and short. While you are entitled to your emotions over this matter, whatever you are feeling must be multiplied many many times for her, and it could be construed wrong... I know several people who, when something bad happens around them, will turn the situation around to themselves and enjoy the sympathy they receive. I am NOT implying that this is what you are doing, but it is better to steer far, far away from that angle; your friend is in an emotionally unstable place right now, and it would be easy for her (or the others around her) to misunderstand and think that you are doing this. Wait until she has had a chance to go through with the divorce, and heal a little... Then you can go a bit more in depth. Until then, I would only speak to your husband about your feelings in this matter.

I started working 7.5 years ago and met a great girl at my first job. We ended up building a house right by her family (coincidentally) and became good friends. We lost touch over the years kind of, waving as we drove by, but things changed....though still friends.

Last September, her and her husband celebrated their tenth anniversary, to separate the next day. WHAT?!? They seemed perfect from the outside. But after talking to her, things were far from perfect, they were just good at putting on the front.

It's been over a year, they have both moved on, the kids are no 4 and 11, and seem well adjusted. I still have some sadness for them though - but it's because of what it looked like from the outside. I told BOTH of them I was there for them and whatever they needed...and it worked out well.

I see you being a support for your friend, but do not tell her you are sad for her, be a support pillar for her.

Five out of six couples that were in our wedding are divorced now.
I had imagined we would all be friends and do things together for the rest of our lives. I thought our kids would grow up knowing each other.
Three couples never had kids. It is sad so I totally understand.
I am glad she has a good friend in you.

I'm sorry that you got some negative responses. I think your question and feeling are totally reasonable. My best friends got divorced a few years ago, and I definitely grieved the loss of their relationship. I actually think its ok to mention your feelings to your friend as long as you are careful and tactful and keep it about her more than you (i.e. "I'm really sad for you, please let me know if I can help in any way"). I almost think it would be weird if you didn't talk about it, briefly. You can be sad and still supportive and non-judgemental.

It is sad to watch a friend go through so much pain. Keep your sadness to yourself and be a listening ear to her. She is going to struggle breaking free from his hold on her and the effects it will have on their son.

It is very sad to see marriages fail..families broken and children struggling through the mire. But....she needs your support and your backbone to help buoy her up.

You do not know if they were truly happy 12 years ago. She may have been silently unhappy yet planning for her escape all along...hence getting a degree so she could make it on her own in the future.

Divorce does not mean you will lose your best friend or your child will lose her best friend. You actually might be able to see each other more!

So, no...do not express your sadness to your friend...save that for your husband. Get it all out with him...then put a smile on your face and ask your friend how you can help her.

I think I would keep to myself but stay supportive and be there for here to keep her safe. We went through a similar thing a few years ago. Our friends announced they were getting divorced and my husband and I were both upset. They were the first to get married and have kids and seemed to have it all. He lost his job in a family owned business and went into a depression. He pushed everyone away and blamed everyone else. There was no working it out. We are still friends with both and remain neutral. I think life throws changes at you positive and negative but how you deal as a couple is important. He clearly felt threatened and felt she should play a different role in the relationship than she wanted. Unfortunately they didn't figure it out until that far down the road.

everything AKMom said...

I think it is absolutely ok to express your sadness. Your friend may be glad to be escaping a bad marriage but I am betting she is still sad! She got married thinking it was a life long commitment and that she was settled with a happy fate. That's not what happened. I don't see any reason why you couldn't share your feelings with your friend as long as you also support her and she knows you understand her decision.

I think the sadness comes from seeing her marriage fall apart when her marriage/life so closely mirrored yours. If it could happen to her.... Also, it's like a loss of camaraderie. It's just something you keep to yourself though, since it's no help to her to know her divorce is making you sad. It might come across as pity, either self-pity for your "losses" or pity for her, which no one wants. Be a supportive friend, offer whatever help you can and just be there for her when she needs you.
Good luck!

i'd only open up to her if she asks for your input. but even without sharing your views on her disintegrating relationship, you can be there for her. you sound like a good friend.
khairete
S.
ETA wow, massive over-reaction to the thoughtful answers you got!

You can tell her that the loss of what was in the beginning makes you sad. Its great that you have emotions about your friends' failed marriage.