TERRIBLE 2'S??! - Salt Lake City,UT

The best advice is in the book, "The Power of Positive Parenting" by Dr. Glenn I. Latham. Get it, read it and relax.

I hear ya. I have terrible 2's times 2. Yeah!! When they don't listen, I give them a couple of warning and on the last one I tell them what I'll do if they don't start listening. So if they keep it up I'll take away toys, put them in time out or not let them do something they were looking forward to. My girls are very attached to a specific blanket when they go to bed so if they get out of their beds more than once, their blanket gets taken away. Stay firm. It's all about consistency.

I like that you let her skip lunch. That sounds like something I would do.

For 1, don't take it personal!
2, Try the book "the power of positive parenting" by Glenn Latham.
Also remember Not to tell her to "stop" doing something, but instead tell her what you want her to do! For example if she is trying to climb on something dangerous, don't say "stop climbing" but rather say "feet go on the Floor" and then show her what that looks like, by marching or by taking her feet and guiding them down, then show her a safe place where it is okay to climb, if you have one!

M., welcome to the world of toddlers! You are just going to have to hang on to your sanity by a thread for another year or more! :-) Seriously, this is totally normal and you have done nothing wrong. Get the book "Love and Logic for the Early Childhood Years." It will give you techniques to help you regain control. But nothing is going to take away the bratty-ness. Be grateful that it didn't start until 2. I have boys and both of them started with this behavior as soon as they could walk. My oldest is nearing 3 and is only showing slight signs that he may, possibly one day get out of it. Hang in there!

First of all, you haven't done anything wrong, and what you are going through is so common that we call it "terrible twos."

A couple of things are very important to keep in mind during this tough time. One is that it is a phase. It will not last forever! This is a very important time in your daughter's life, during which the will has entered the body, so to speak.

Once kids get a real sense that they are truly mobile, and that their words and actions can have power, they naturally want to experiment with what they are capable of. You wouldn't want your daughter to grow up just being pliant and doing whatever anyone asks her to do. You want her to learn about her personal power so she can become a strong, independent person. Right? So, try to take the long view here and plan your approach on the basis of knowing this phase will end, and that the type of relationship you set up now with your daughter will be the template for your future relationship as well.

Another key here is that you have to remember at all times that what she is doing is absolutely not personal! She is not doing this to see if she can drive you around the bend. She is exploring herself and her world, and she feels safe enough with you to really push her limits and see what's out there.

In a strange way, our two year olds' challenging behavior is a compliment to their sense of safety with us as mothers.

A few practical suggestions:
1. Make sure to offer her choices. What she is exploring is her personal power, so give her lots and lots of choices (and make sure you offer two things that are both OK with you). So, "Would you like peas or carrots with your lunch?" "Would you like to get in your car-seat all by yourself, or would you like me to help you?" "Do you want to wear the pink sweater or the yellow one?"
2. Make sure she realizes she is choosing. So, for example, "I need you to stay next to me when we walk in the store. If you can't do that, then you are choosing to be in the cart." And then when you follow through on your consequences, make sure you phrase it as the choice she has made.
3. Keep anger out of the equation. If you set limits and then follow through on the consequences, you don't need to yell or even be angry. It's just what is.
4. Don't worry about the tantrum in the grocery aisle. No one is judging you. Believe me, we all have been through it and even if someone looks at you funny, just shrug it off. They just don't get it. And it's really OK.
I used to say to my toddler (now 16 years old....and we both made it), "I see that you are having a tantrum because you really wanted XYZ. So, just let me know when you are done so we can go on with our shopping." Then I would just stand there and wait. She would stop much sooner than if I gave in, or got angry.
5. Validate their needs and exploration. "I see that you really want that toy. Right now it's time to leave, so put the doll where you'd like to say good bye." Of course they want everything and want to have their own way. You don't have to even give in at all to simply acknowledge that it's what they want. And it helps them know their needs are normal too.
My blessings to you in this difficult time. Remember you have a lot of support around you. Don't be afraid to ask for help and take breaks for yourself.
My best to you,
J.

I feel your pain. My daughter is not even two yet (she turns 2 Feb 1) and she is already going through terrible 2's. She screams at me and tells me no, and recently started trying to bite.
It is important that you remain calm during her fits and ignore her behavior. If she thinks she is getting your attention she will keep doing it.
Don't worry about her not eating, she will not starve herself. Just continue offering her meals at normal meal times. If she doesn't eat it, put it away and offer it to her again at the next meal.
As far as tantrums go, if the fit gets really bad, pick her up and put her in her bed or in another room. This will make it easier for you to remain calm when she is freaking out, it can be quite challenging.
I noticed with my other children that the terrible 2's passed around 2 1/2 and then they return to their angelic selves. So hang tight and don't worry...this too shall pass :)

Hi, M.. Yup--it sounds like you have a normal 2 year old. Bummer! But there's hope, and it does get better. A couple ideas--switch from time-outs to logical consequences. For example, if she spills something, she cleans it up (you can help her and teach her how). A great book is called "Time-In, when time-outs aren't working." Time-outs can backfire and build anger in a child. Another fabulous book is the Happiest Toddler on the Block by Karp. It's probably the fastest way to reach cooperation, and help you get behind your child's eyes. My last favorite book idea is Love and Limits by Crary, but I think it would be most effective after reading the Happiest Toddler. Hang in there! These books teach ways to help children obey and be kind, and also build your patience.
A.
www.breastandbottlefeeding.com

Ugh, I feel your pain! I have a 2 year old boy and every day I have to decide what battles I want to win!

I've found that when he is being very strong willed about something that isn't safe - like not wanting to hold hands walking through a parking lot - I tell him that the rules are he has to hold my hand and it's non-negotiable. Sometimes I even use a third-party authority figure to reinforce the rules - like saying that Grandpa says we don't do something or when he isn't allowed to touch something it's because it is "grandpa's"! I don't know why, but it works like a charm - we don't even live near either grandparents so my son sees them only a few times a year!

Another thing I've noticed that helps is to offer two choices for things he is being stubborn about - like for lunch I ask if he wants chicken nuggets or peanut butter sandwich, etc.

As for running away in public, when he is being extra feisty we put his monkey harness on. It buckles in the front and has a cute stuffed monkey "back pack" on the back part with a leash attached. He actually really loves his monkey and sometimes asks to wear it when we are out or even at home! They sell a variety of similar products of super snuggly and cute animals at Walmart and while I was initially hesitant to "leash" my child but the idea of him running into danger or getting lost was enough to overrule this hesitation.

It is especially useful when we go to exciting places like the zoo or aquarium where he wants to walk more then ride in the stroller or when he wants to help out at the grocery store - it takes forever to shop but if I hand him things like canned goods and cereal - anything that can be thrown into the basket - he feels really proud of helping and actually minds me very well and we don't have to put the monkey leash on.

We're still working on things like hitting and throwing toys in frustration, but it seems like the more independence he feels he has, the better he behaves. I'm not a big reader of parenting books since I always feel like they make me question my own instincts and often don't fit our parenting style so I don't have any titles to recommend but will just say that if reading books helps you go for it, but don't forget that you know your child best so if what you are reading conflicts with what your heart says is right, always follow your heart - a mother's instincts are always stronger then some author's (who doesn't know you or your child) advice can ever be!

She wants to get a reaction from you. Just be as sweet with her as you can. Counting always worked for me. I have hear from others that this is not a good way, but it gave me a chance to recapture my patience and the child time to rethink the situation. It also gives them the control they want to determine the outcome. Example: "I will count to five and I need you to sit down in the chair or you can go to time out, it is your choice." Be very firm but also be very loving. She wants to try her boundaries. She will try the eating thing as long as she gets a reaction. Don't let this get the best of you because the teenage years are rough also.

My son's terrible 2's lasted until he was almost 4, and Sarah is right, remain calm..if you have to walk out of the room take a few breaths, if she can tell the behavior is upsetting yu she will continue to do it, and push your buttons even more, do not give in and make sure you are consistant with the time outs.. they will start working, and as Sarah.. when my son wouldn't stop his fits, I put him in his room and told him when he is done he can come out..Hang in there it does get better and easier..oh and the incident at the store the exact same thing happend to me so from then on out, I made my son sit in the cart until he was older. She is just testing boundaries and starting to develop her own personality.

Hi M.,

It's normal and we've all felt this way. What happened to my precious little girl. Just realizing that it's part of the growing up process will help keep you from losing your mind. She's testing her boundaries and controlling what she's able to.

I was so nervous about raising children (I have three girls) that I must have read around 30 books on the subject. Most were nonsense. The one that stands out and I still own (my girls are teenagers now) is "Kids Are Worth It" by Barbara Coloroso. I HIGHLY recommend it!

Best Wishes ... and it's NOT you! :)
L.

You and me sister!!! I have an almost three year old girl and it started right when she turned 2! I know this book has been recommended already, but I did learn alot from Parenting with Love and Logic. I have to tell myself "don't take it personal" every day at least 10 times a day, it feels like she KNOWS what is going to push my buttons! I give her 2 choices with everything that we do, if she chooses neither, she doesn't get anything. Same thing with lunch, if she chooses not to eat, then she doesn't eat (I know it sounds harsh) but I will not make 4 lunches and 5 dinners to please her, furthermore I know that if she doesn't eat lunch she will have a good snack and a HUGE dinner,she will not starve. I have had the "grocery incident" just like the rest of the mothers in the world, the main thing is to STAND YOUR GROUND..I spent almost 45 minutes at the end of the check out stand at Target waiting for my then 2 year old to get off the floor and stop screaming, all I kept saying is "when you are done, we can leave" you wouldn't believe how many parents passed by my and kept saying "good work mom, stand your gound, don't give in, don't let embarrassment take this learning moment away" It was the first and last time. Just don't give in, don't let your little one see that their tantrums affect you and your mood (I know, I have to step away sometimes just to regroup)...Just know that we are all together on this, try to find a mom's group for yourself too, it has helped so much to be able to sit in a room with other moms and realize that I was not the worst mother in the world and others are in the same boat too!!! We will get out of Toddlehood soon, I hope!

Hi,

I didn't have time to read through all the posts, but I have a two year old son and this is what works for us:
1. Give him choices--only two--so that he has so control over his life.
2. He needs time to transition between activities (as we all do!)--so I tell him, "we're leaving the library in five minutes"--he might not understand time exactly, but he has a sense that it soon and then I tell him, "okay it's time to go say goodbye to the books" and I hold his hand and walk out with him.
3. Make sure what you want them to do is very clear and that the consequences are very clear--you can either clean up the toys or go sit on the steps--sometimes he decides to sit on the steps--and I tell him, okay, when you want to get off clean up the toys--and eventually he gets up and cleans up his toys. As hard as it is you have to follow through every time--if you say you'll leave if she does X--you have to leave when she does it...which leads to the next point...
4. PICK YOUR BATTLES--toddlers are exhausting, but I also love this age because you can see them trying to figure the world out--so realize that he are little people who need time and freedom to do their own things. Frankly, some things just aren't worth making a big deal out of in the first place--don't say you'll leave if you won't, just try to ignore the behavior. I really work at not rushing my son (I'm a fast-paced, multi-tasking person and he is a two year old that thinks every leaf, every rock, every stick is worth a good long look)...so I try and tell myself this is a growing and learning experience for me too.
5. Finally, the more calm and evenness I bring to a situation the more I see it in my son--he is almost like a reflection of the emotions that I am feeling--so, I try to really work h*** o* staying patient. Sometimes if I can feel that I'm going to lose it so I "act" like I'm a nice TV mom--it sounds weird, but there are moments that otherwise I would definitely end up yelling! It works for me...but it does seem really weird seeing it written out!

Trust me that you are a great mom! Kids just change so much and sometimes it happens so fast that we don't always know immediately what works for our families. You'll figure out soon what works for both of you pretty soon you'll have your (busy, sometimes really naughty) angel back!

My daughter isn't two yet, but I am the oldest of eight kids and have seen a pretty good amount of the terrible twos!
One thing I have learned is that you absolutely cannot take it personally. She is not doing it to annoy you. Yes she is trying to push her boundaries, and test limits, but she isn't thinking, oh lets see what can I do to upset my mother today!
The more she sees you getting upset and feeling offended the more power struggles it will create.
Yes you need to be consistent with her boundaries, but don't discipline her in anger, just matter-of factly. Tell her upfront. if you do this, then this will be your consequence. If she chooses to do it, gently remind her of what you said and follow through with the consequence. Her brain is still learning how to process information like that, but if you are consistent than she will start to get it.
She needs to know that you love her no matter what she does, and she will test how far that goes. So try to imagine that you are just becoming aware of yourself and your likes and dislikes and things you want to do and don't and you have someone constantly telling you no or yes. Imagine that you see someone who appears to be able to do whatever they want and you want to be like them because you love them and you are around them all day. Now imagine that you don't have the reasoning ability to express yourself fully or understand why you can't do what to you seems fun and fine. It might just help you relate to your daughter and the stage she is going through.
One other thing to consider is making sure her blood sugar doesn't get too low. My sister would lose it completely and there was no reasoning no consoling, just absolute rudeness, crankiness, back-talking and illogical mayhem if she went too long without food. It was a long time before she was able to recognize this in herself. But we all knew she needed to eat but she would throw a tantrum and refuse to eat. Sometimes we had to resort to forcing her to eat and making her be alone for a while until she could compose herself.
So anyway good luck and know that you are not alone. I read somewhere that the average toddler has a melt down every 20 minutes!

You've done nothing wrong. This is an extremely normal thing for kids to go through at this stage. It also means that she feels very secure, which is an excellent thing (she knows that you love her and will take care of her, so she feels more comfortable in defying you).

You just need to be firm and consistant. Now that you know that she will run off, be extra vigilant. Keep her in the cart or stroller when you go out. When you tell her no, follow through. Pick her up and remove her from the situation. Be very patient, and don't threaten anything that you don't want to follow through on. Try do catch her before she does something she shouldn't and direct her to another activity. She is still just beginning to learn cause and effect, so consequences are still a bit beyond her understanding - she's just beginning to grasp that there is a link between her behavior and what happens afterward. So don't do more than a minute time out, if you must do time out.
Just ignore what other people might be thinking when she starts acting out in public. Stay firm and consistant. When she starts screaming, just act like nothing's wrong - I remember finishing my shopping pretending that I didn't hear my child screaming in the cart. Anyone who has been a parent probably remembers those challenging times of dealing with a 2 year old and understand what you're doing.

I haven't read your other responses, but it sounds totally normal to me. (unfortunately) She is two. She is learning to be independent. She is testing her boundaries. Check out Love and Logic. They have some great resources for parents - including specifically for parents of toddlers/preschoolers.

Good luck! This too shall pass. :o)

M.,

If it makes you feel any better, my angel baby son turned to devil baby about the same day he turned three. (He was a late bloomer.) His behavior was, to say the least, insanity inducing for about six months, after which, he returned to his formerly angelic status. It is a phase, albeit frustrating and irritating, and it will pass.

Try, if you can, to look at the humor in the situation when she is acting like a perfectly dreadful little two-year-old, leave the room, have a good laugh, and then return and deal with it.

Good luck. (You need it.)

You know, i think almost every parent goes through this stage. its completly normal. And probably nothing you have done. When they realize they can actually say no, can actually make a choice to do something against what you told them to do, they do it simply becuase they are developing atonomy of self. i'm sure people have given you advice on what to do. Just know its normal, and its a stage, and you are probably doing just fine. something you could try is to tell her what you don't want her to do....i dont know that that is really good advice, but it works :). She'll actually do what you want her to. Hope you are still able to keep your sanity....good luck!

Hi M.,

I have a little boy who turns 2 this weekend. He is just as you described your daughter. It is definitely a part of them learning that they are autonomous from you, a different person with their own will.

That definitely means as parents we need tools to help us allow them to make choices, yet at the same time experience the consequences in a safe manor.

I have been going to a Love and Logic class that has been wonderful. It has allowed me to feel "in control" and not get upset when my son chooses to act out or not listen. I know this sounds crazy but I'm actually looking forward to him doing those things so that I can have "teachable moments" with him.

The classes I took (5 two hour classes) are through "head and Heart Parenting" w/Shelly Moorman. If you are not interested in classes, there are great materials Dvd's, Cd's and Books at the Love and Logic website. www.loveandlogic.com

I hope you find this helpful! My son has made wonderful improvement in areas such as "leaving the dog alone" "not hiting" etc. Your daughter is just testing the boundaries, and the more upset you are about it, the more she is realizing, "I can make mommy upset and that is way more fun than any consequence I have to deal with." The key for me is showing empathy and staying calm and loving as I give my son the consequence.

I hope this helps you a little, you are in the same boat as so many of us and you are doing a great job! Hang in there!

M.

Hi M., well I am right there with you. My daughter turned two in Sept. She also went from angle to distructor as we joke. The truth is she is not doing any of this to make us mad for she does not have that type of understanding yet. They just push and push and push trying to learn and practice everything right now. At home I try to put things out that she can play with, like the kitchen bowls and tupper ware. It is a pain because I have to clean it up at the end of the day but she is happy using the tools that we use. I believe it is a phase for right now and when she figures out the boundries it will pass. I also repeat to myself "pick my battles" There are things that drive me mad but at the end of the day they really are not that big of a deal. also they feed and respond to our energy more than we think. So if I get really frustrated she does as well and if I am very anxious so is she.
My friend told me that two is the adolesence of the early years which really makes sence to me. Like all stages this too shall pass.
I'm not sure if this helps you any but just know you are not the only mother going insane with a two year old. Even when they are acting like this try to enjoy them for who they are!
One other thing as far as time out goes, our daughter doesn't even get it so we take her away from what ever it is that we don't like her doing, tell her it is time for a break and I sit with her in the corner for two minutes. I work on deep breathing with her to get her to relax and we talk about why we are taking a break. Now she understands the deep breathing and when she is getting worked up, throwing a tantrum we have her breath and she usually can stop and come out of the tantrum. Now when I can see a tantrum coming on I stop and ask her to take a couple deep breaths and we have been able to completely avoid many tantrums.

Good luck to you and like always keep practicing pacients! Sorry about all the bad spelling I am in a bit of a hurry!

B.

Oh M., I can feel your pain!!! My daughter started to go through this at around 18 months. She'll be 2 in Feb. I found that it wasn't as much about attention for her, as it was about being in control. She is starting to develop her own sense of individuality and wants to make her own decisions. Since babies and toddlers often have all of their decisions made for them I think this can be a great source of frustration.

I try to offer my daughter 2 choices whenever we're in a situation where I know she may give me a hassle. ie. Do you want to wear the pink shirt or the blue shirt? Do you want to ride in the cart or do you want to walk? And then I let her know that these are the only 2 options and I will put my foot down if necessary to enforce the rules or make the choice for her. She seams to get it now and will not put up a fuss, providing the options I present appeal to her.

The other big source of tantrums I've noticed is when thirst, hunger, and a need for sleep hit suddenly. A toddler can't always recognize what they need, or be able to express the need. The result can be a sudden and seemingly uncontrollable outburst. My daughter can be playing outside very actively, running around, seemingly very alert and suddenly have a melt down because she is overtired and I haven't put her down for her nap on time. I found that turning in more closely to my daughter's needs and sticking to a fairly regular schedule helps a lot too.

Good luck!!

Hi M.,

This may sound strange, but I love this age. (I have four children.) This is such an important developmental milestone for children. They are beginning to understand that they are individuals and have some control over themselves. This is a good thing! But it can throw you for a loop because it's such a change.

You are not doing anything wrong. The goal is not to stop this change in her but to give her appropriate ways to express her individuality. She doesn't know anything about being rude, she's just dealing with a new level of consciousness about who she is. It's the parent's job to help toddlers learn how to deal with this new understanding about themselves.

The best thing you can do is try to channel her newfound individuality in appropriate ways. Give her lots of choices. Allow her to make decisions that are age-appropriate and let her feel in control. The key is in choosing which things to let her control--you are in charge of that because you know how to keep her safe.

For my own sanity, it really helped to see my toddlers as emerging individuals. It was fun to see their personalities blossoming, even if it created some challenges for me.

Blessings,
B.

Hi M.,
Sounds to me like your darling daughter is feeling her oats (this always comes around the age of 2). We would highly recommend the books by Michael and Debi Pearl. Start with "To Train Up A Child". You will learn to take back your rightful authority. If you don't start winning these battles she will continue to string you along till your whole household is miserable and stressed. At age two the stage is only begun to be set for what can become a lifestlye of children running the home. You can find the Pearls books online at "No Greater Joy". Blessings, L.

M.,

I have a little one that is just transitioning to two. I've come across an older series that has made a HUGE difference for me. The book I recommend to you is Your Two-Year-Old: Terrible or Tender, you can find it used at Amazon for $1.53. http://www.amazon.com/Your-Two-Year-Old-Louise-Bates-Ames...

It's made such a difference for me to understand what's happening in my two-year old's body and brain. It's given me so much more compassion, patience, and peace.

Good luck!