Losing My Sanity! 3 Year Old Limit Testing!

I agree with the person who said offer your child choices. It was about this age when I started offering my child choices for everything. ex:
1. Do you want to eat two bites of your dinner, or do you want to go wait in your room while we finish eating?

2. Do you want to go and see Daddy in the car OR do you want to visit with Santa?

Let them make their choice and learn to live with the consequences. I was baking cookies once and they were literally 2 minutes from being done, but my son wanted a sucker. I said, "Do you want a sucker or do you want cookies? (and I was very clear that it was an either or choice). He chose sucker and he got it, but he was very upset when he also did NOT get a cookie later. But, he made a choice and he had to live with the consequence of it. And that leads me to remind you...follow through, 100% of the time, with what you say the consequences are.

Good luck!
L.

1 mom found this helpful

This sounds like a cry for attention. I agree that it is most likely a result of the new addition to the family. I think extra time spent just with him will probably correct the behavior faster than discipline. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying don't discipline. I'm just saying try to focus on giving him positive attention when he's not being naughty. Maybe have dad stay with the baby for an hour or two while you take him some place special. Or let dad take him out do dinner one night, just the two of them. Keep reassuring him that you still love him just as much even though little brother is here. Hopefully he'll get adjusted to the new addition soon, and things will calm down.

Ignore all behavior you do not approve of (unless he is in danger) and redirect with how you want him to behave. Just walk around and over a kid that is throwing a tantrum and carry on with what you are doing. If he decides to leave the table say, "Oh, I guess you are done eating!" and throw away his food. If he decides to make a mess of something, you and Dad should decide to start playing a fun game/with toys or something that he will want to do, and say "sure we want you to play too, as soon as you clean up your mess!" For sibling rivalry we always made sure the big kid got to help with the baby. We had a big brother party instead of a baby shower! And I tried to make a big deal of how important his big brother job was and how proud I was of him being a big brother. Sometimes he will have to wait while you take care of the baby, but I made sure that when we were doing something that only big kids get to do, I would tell the baby that she would need to wait while we play with brother's cars or whatever and this was usally the time I put her down for a nap! It just made a difference for him to hear that the baby was going to have to wait while it was brother's time. And sticker charts with small prizes or trips for an ice cream are wonderful incentives to get the kind of behavior you want!!

I am in the same situation, as I have a 3 year old and an 7 month old. In the beginning it is definitely just a good case of jealousy and acting out in any way to find some attention. It seems to have gotten better as the baby has gotten older. I felt overwhelmed and impatient with his behavior but also realized it wasn't fair to him to take any of my frustrations out on him. So I searched for help and came across a parenting style called "love and logic." I have seen positive changes in our sons behavior and with our parenting tactics. You can check them out at the love and logic website.

Hi!

I'm sorry to read about the issues you're having with your son. Just a bit of advice we got several years ago from a Love and Logic parenting class is to tell your children that they're making bad choices, rather than telling them they're bad. It really makes a huge difference. Also, I would get his neurotransmitters tested. As the chemical messengers of the brain, if his are out of balance then it's very likely that the right messages are not getting to the right places at the right times. There's an excellent doctor in Grapevine - Dr. Constantine Kotsanis. His website is http://www.wellnessandaesthetics.com/1327165.html and feel free to use my name if you'd like. At least check investigate it. About 70% of his patients are children and he has great success in helping them. Good Luck to you and your family!

S. King

Love and Logic books and stuff!

I've been there - I have a 6 & 8 year old - both boys and both very headstrong.

The best advice I can give you is STAND YOUR GROUND. If they say no, say OK and leave. If they say no to dinner - pick up the plate. They will not starve themselves - save the plate and when he decides to eat put that same plate back down. If he refuses to eat oh well, I bet he eats before too long. To this day my 8 year old things if he refuses long enough he will get something else. It took my husband 2 years to stop fighting him. Now he knows if he doesn't eat he doesn't get anything else.

The dinner thing is hard, and my husband would fight and fight to get him to eat - don't fight it, it will stop in a week if you take the hardline.

Also when a tantrum is thrown completely ignore him - walk over him if you have to. But don't give in. That will stop too.

Dear A.,
Oh the wonderful 3 year old stages. That is what it is just a stage, my advice to you is just be patient. I know that you feel like pulling your hair out. He is testing his limits but you have to set them and stick to them. With having a newborn baby, he is more then likly feeling a little left out not being the only child anymore. Let him help you with the baby, ie. bring you babys diapers, help feed the baby, it will help them bond as well. We started a sticker chart, they love being rewarded, when he does something that is "good" he gets a sticker, and when he does something "bad" he loses one. Then at the end of the week he gets a reward based one how many stickers he has. We have a tresure box and for every 5 stickers she gets one surprise. We do it with our older childern as well, but they get make a suggestion as to what we do on our family nights. We started this with my very head strong 3 year old, it amazed me how effected the behavor when she relized that something was being takin away. Once she relized that she was not going to win, she stopped pushing so hard. They are only this age once, just love them the best you can. Good luck!!

Well, about mealtimes, I would stop pushing him to eat. You can't force him to eat, and you are making it a power struggle. 3 yr old will not starve himself (though, he may miss a meal or two -- and that's okay!!). When my 2.5 year old doesn't like what I offer for dinner, I say "That's okay, honey. You don't have to eat it if you don't want to." Which will sometimes lead to tears and "But I want ... (fruit, cookies, etc.)". Then I'll say "Well, honey, you can eat ... after you've had most of the food on your plate. Or you can be done eating now. Its your choice." Sometimes he'll choose to eat, sometimes not. If he doesn't, he just eats more at the next meal. And, his height and weight are both in the 75%. When I first used this strategy, I was really worried that he'd be up at night time, complaining of hunger ... but its never happened!

For discipline you'll have to try something else ... something with stronger consequences, I suspect. For repeated misbehavior at meal times, I'd take away the food. Again, missing a single meal once in a while will not hurt your son. For time-outs, I found that I had to up the ante a bit. Time-out within the same room as me wasn't having any affect ... probably, because my son knew it upset me more than him. Now, I leave the room. Or if my son is just really having an off day, then I'll tell him that he's acting like he hasn't had enough sleep ... and if it continues, he'll have to go back to bed. Really, its just a timeout in his bedroom, but for some reason it has a much bigger impact and most times just the warning is enough to get him to change his behavior.

With misbehavior out of the house, I use as a consequence not getting to go out. This could just be one day where you stay home and say something like, "Oh, I'd been thinking of going to (whereever the kid likes to go ... mine likes the grocery), but last time we went out you did (....). Oh, well, I guess we'll have to stay home until you learn how to behave nicely when we are out. Maybe we can try to go out again in a day or two."

Also, when speaking about his misbehavior, be careful to label the behavior as naughty, not your son! And whatever consequences you do, stay as calm and matter-of-fact as possible. Many kids misbehave simply to see the reaction they get from their parents. Of course, staying calm is easier said than done, but the calmer you are the more effective the discipline, usually.

I'm sure the new baby has something to do with the behavior, but that's no reason to excuse it. In fact, firm but loving discipline will probably ease some of your son's anxiety about the baby.

Good luck!

A., I started getting this kind of behaviour from my son (now almost 5) at about the same age as yours. Love and Logic helped me a lot, and still does!! It is really simple, even when doesn't feel natural to do it, IT WORKS!! Choices, empathy, consistency are VERY important. Get the book or CD you will like it. Good luck and be strong, it will get better.

Swat but not in frustration, I also send to bed with no supper. Another thing is Isolation on bed with no toys. But if you are thinking that it has something to do with the new baby, you have to fix that too. While you are feeding baby, let him sit in your lap too, it is big enough...trust me. I have had my 4, 2 and newborn in my lap at the same time while I was nursing the baby. I also let the older ones help me with baby by bringing me diapers and wypes, and letting them pat babys back while burping. You do not want to start sibling rivalry this early. Mine are best friends, and I like to think it is because I let them help. When my middle one was a baby, my older one (a boy of 2) wanted to help all the time, it seemed the only time he wanted me was when I was dealing with baby sister, so I let him in my lap and let him pat her head while eating. This also gave him the protection feeling, she was "His Aeris". Good luck I hope this helps.

You're describing my three-year-old. She's been driving me up the wall!

For now my tactic has been to ignore the things I can and pick my battles. Baths, bedtime and getting dressed are the non-negotiables. If she doesn't eat when she's supposed to, the food goes away after fifteen minutes and she has to wait until the next meal (which for us would be breakfast since this is usually a dinner battle.) Some days that's fine.

In our house, all tantrums must be had in their rooms. They are welcome to be mad (or sad) but I don't have to hear it. Tantrums are shorter without an audience.

One thing I did notice, though, was that if I go into her room in the morning and take my time getting her up, cuddling and hugging her she has a better morning. Could be that one-on-one time may help.

Good luck. Know you're not the only one out there! Forget the terrible two's. It's the threes that have gotten me both times.

You have heard of the Terrible Twos, but now you are experiencing the Traumatic Threes.

Yes, you better believe that a great part of it is baby brother. Your 3 year old doesn't know how to express his feelings about the change in his life. But you can be sure he doesn't like it! Make sure everything concerning his life and routine don't change from what it was before new baby. Meals, naptime-- even disipline must remain the same so he feels the security of the 'same old-same old'.
3 year olds physicaly are unable to sit still for more than a minute or so at a time. Parents who expect them to (and we all have at one time or another) just aren't thinking. He will be up and down from the table--just as you describe. You found that when you didn't make an issue of it he settled down some--so learn from your own experience and always try to put yourself in the childs place. Can you think like a 3 yr old? Probably not, but it's worth the effort. Remember he doesn't have but 3 years of 'life experience' to guide his emotions and actions.

The 2 best pieces of advice my doctor ever gave me were--"Be consistant" and "Never start a fight you can't win."

He is growing and learning and needs to test himself--not you--to confirm his power over his own life--such as it is. Try to calm down and realize this will pass as fast as it came. By age 4 he will be a little more confident of his emotions and abilities.

And A., I suggest you have a Time Out chair, not a Naughty one. I believe it was Dr Phil that said the chair should be calm down time. It removes him from whatever is happening It really isn't a punishment as is removing privileges. Make sure the chair removes him from the center of activity, but never into another room with the door shut.

My sons are, also, 3 years apart and my oldest had a very difficult time when my baby came home. He directed most of his anger and frustration at me which I'm assuming is normal. Just continue to be consistent and firm, but don't jump all over him for every little thing. He is upset about the new baby and at this age, they are still testing their limits. You will all get past this in a few months with lots of love, patience and consistency. Good luck and congratulations!

Oh I so feel for you! I know they say the terrible twos, but frankly, I thought the 3s were harder. Plus a newborn...yikes.

It sounds like you've got a joker on your hands. Me too. It drives me crazy some times. A friend of mine's husband recently said to me, "I'd much rather have the smiling, joking child like yours than deal with the crying, screaming, overly sensitive child (like his)." I know that's little consolation, but maybe it give some perspective. In other words, he could be a LOT worse.

He's definately testing his boundaries. You need to decide which battles are worth fighting. He doesn't eat or drink at meals? Let him skip. If he gets hungry between meals, he'll catch on soon enough. He's not going to starve or waste away. My advice woudl be to give up that battle for a while. He's obviously finding your responses amusing and this is giving him more ammunition. Don't fall for it.

I know a lot of people recommend the Love and Logic discipline. There's somethign to be said for logical consequences (ie you miss a meal, you may get hungry, etc). Consequences are more effective than punishment sometimes. Time outs are great, but not always effective. Another way to motivate him to time out might be to put his favorite toy in time out. That worked like magic with my son. Try and not yell and remain calm too. Easier said than done sometimes, I realize, but keep in mind that when you yell, punish, etc it's attention and maybe he's getting something out of that. Again, don't give in.

Good luck and congratulations on your new little one!!

Welcome to my world! I feel like I've been dealing with terrible two's for about 2 years now.
When looking back at my son's behavior (he'll be 4 next month) I realized two's were terrible because he couldn't effectively communicate what he wanted. 3's were even worse cause he could communicate and didn't get his way. I had my daughter right after my son turned 2 and it has been a rough rough year. I have found screaming, punishing (timeout) doesn't work so well unless Dad does it. I simply remove him from whatever situation or thing he is being bad in. Example: I made a grocery trip to Wal-Mart and said if you walk away from me one more time and tell me no that you don't want to walk with me you WILL get in the cart. Well low and behold he ended up in a cart and literally screamed throughout wal-mart. I finished my shopping and let people stare. Yes I'm that mom. I want him to understand that life is not going to stop because you don't want to listen. I was not about to leave the store and let him win. Especially with his little sister being here now he's going to have to go along with what the rest of the family is doing or he will miss out.
So enough of my rambling just be firm and stay consistent. IF you say x will happen if you do or don't do this...make x happen or he will keep playing you.

A....you said it all when you said "new baby." Welcome to the wonderful phase of adjusting. It can last up to 6 months and you need to be careful how you handle it. I know it is hard...my girls are 25 months apart...so I was handling to terrible 2's and the "grieving process" after my 2nd baby was born. My dr. explained it as a grieving process just like if we lost a loved one you go through all the different emotions...your 3 yr old is going through those same emotions. Just spend lots of time with him and love on him...let him help you with things for the baby. It's really hard...I know! But I promise it gets better!

Well, this is just a developmental phase.We cannot expect children this age to "know why" they are doing things. Their brains are growing by leaps and bounds. He's jealous of the new baby, of course. He wants your attention and he knows how to push your buttons.

Try involving him. He's old enough to "help" with dinner. He can help set the table,( the youngest child can manage to get napkins laid out and silverware somewhere in the vicinity of where it needs to be! )Yes involving him will make things take longer but it will pay off. Teach him how to do some simple things. Let him tear lettuce leaves and "make" the salad. Get him an apron and a chef hat! If he gets involved in dinner preparation he might be more interested in the whole process. If he is helping set the table he has an investment in keeping it nice and not pouring milk on it!

When he has some ownership he'll feel like a big boy. He IS the big boy now so you have to make that a positive as well. Tell him what a great time he will have teaching the new baby things, maybe start a little notebook and have him tell you things he wants his little brother to learn. You can write them down and the two of you can cut out photos out of magazines of things he wants to tell him about, like his favorite toys or books, dogs, cats, slides, swings, you name it. Make this something he can look forward to at the same time each day or week. Do anything you can to encourage and reward good behavior.

It sounds like typical 3 yr old behavior. A few things to help are using the love and logic method. Also the book Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too is a great book

This link http://askdoctorsears.com/html/6/t064200.asp is very helpful. The more attention you pay to the bad behavior the more bad behavior there will be.