Tantrums and Toddlers

I have three daughters and I became a single mother while pregnant with my third - I can remember how hard it was...
1. Don't feel like a terrible mother
2. You can discipline a 14 month old, they are good little manipulators!!
We think that because they are so little and innocent that they don't understand what they're doing. That's partly right, but it is our responsibility to teach them what is acceptable behavior. As much as it totally sucks to listen to the screaming and stomping, or whatever they use to get us to give in - we have to be stronger. She needs to be removed from the room so she knows it is not acceptable to behave that way and that it is disruptive to the rest of the family. Lovingly tell her you would love to have her with you (cooking dinner, watching tv...) as soon as she can be "nice" with no screaming. At 14 months old, if she is still in her crib, put her there and use the soft, loving tone. She has come to expect your reaction and knows she can out-last you :) Like I remind my girls, if you ignore your sister, she'll stop pestering you - your reaction is giving her what she wants.
They are smart little ones!! I found that if my tone was not angry and I stood my ground, they responded better and the tantrums were shorter and farther between.
I know every child is different, I had to tweak it a bit for each of my girls. Plan an outing - to the park or wherever - and remind her that if she has a tantrum it will be time to leave...it is the hardest thing to leave when it happens but she will finally figure it out :) I have left a nearly-full grocery cart in the store more than once and I have turned around many times before ever reaching the park, and it would break my heart but they came to know that mommy meant what she said!
She is testing her boundaries and needs you to help her learn when to stop.

I just read a book called LOVE and LOGIC. The basic principle behind it is giving the child 2 choices to choose between, so the child feels like they have control, and you can still control the situation. So, for example, my little girl likes to wear dresses in the freezing cold of winter. I let her choose the dress, and then say "Would you like to wear tights or pants?" That gives her the choice, and I still make sure her legs are warm. Maybe you could try letting her choose between two things?
At the restaraunt, you could tell her, you can eat this dinner on your plate, or go sit in the car with mom. Let her make the choice, and honor it.
See if that does anything to help your situations. Just make sure that you really let her do the option she chooses.

Hey A.-
I totally know what you are going through. I have a little girl who is almost 3 now and she throws huge fits. What I have started to do is when I feel like she is on the beginning of a tantrum, I will pick her up and explain to her that her screaming and crying is not acceptable. I give her two options of to stay out with me and no crying allowed or to go to her bedroom and cry and scream in there. Last night, she cried and screamed for almost an hour. She kept coming out of her bedroom and screaming at me, but I just kept asking her those two options and if she continued to cry I would take her to her room. I felt like a horrible mom, but at the end she knew I was business and apologized and was great the rest of the night. Give this a try! It may take a while but it has really helped with my daughter!!

R. S.
Laurel, MT

A., Don't be fooled by her age. She has learned already how to get what she wants, you certainly can discipline her. I agree with the mom who talked about the Love & Logic books. They are wonderful. They teach you HOW to teach your little ones that there are consequences to their actions on their level. When you are in public and she throws a tantrum, let her know you won't accept that by immediately leaving and going home. It's inconvienient for you, but it will teach her really fast that it's much more fun to be somewhere else than home. I don't know how you feel about a "naughty chair", but I've done it for years and swear by it. You put them in it for a minute per year. Put it in a very "un-fun" location, but one you can keep an eye on her. Good luck.

She knows when she screams she gets what she wants. I have 3 year old twins and we began giving them time out when they were about 15 months old. By all means they are allowed to scream they just don't have to in your presence. When you give in, she will work on you that much harder at it the next time. Pick her up put her in her room or her crib or bed and she can learn to calm herself down. Be consistent. You make the rules. And screaming is not the way to get what you want. Please or words are good and you can also take away what she screams for. it is a tight line because of her age but instilling now that screaming is not the way you get what you want will only eliminate a few headaches between now and 3 1/2.

You in NO WAY are a bad parent!! She is very young still and this is the way some kids at this age express themselves until they are more verbal. Maybe you need to just leave when she pitches these fits, period, keep getting her out though as she needs to learn rules apply to her no matter where she is at. I had a article printed in Redbook a while back as when my daughter was about 3 I always told her there was time out spot no matter where we were. We were at the bank one day and she wasn't sitting still, I was trying to talk to the guy at the bank and she piped up and said "hey sir, where is your time out spot as I am going to pitch a fit", hee hee.. !!!! Needless to say the guy at the bank had to turn around as he was on the verge of tears holding back cracking up!!! :)

I have put her in time out in a grocery, you name it. Now both of my kids know no matter where we are I expect them to act civily as much as they can at whatever age they are at.

You have a high spirited little girl and you just being consistent and being patient is the only real thing you can do. You need to put her in some place, like a playpen, corner or whatever as a time out space and tell her she needs to calm down, try distraction at this age too, like if she wants something but cannot have it, offer something she can have. If she still pitches a fit, just say "I am sorry" and walk off. She may pitch a fit but she is testing to see your limits, as long as you don't give in she will eventually learn to chill out. It will take a while as at her age she has to use fits to express her frustration, distraction until she is more verbal is the best and most effective thing. Just let her know what you say is what you mean, period. She will fight you, pitch fits but it will click as she gets older. Stay consistent no matter what.

I've read some of the previous posts to mine and I agree with them. Above all, be consistent in what you choose, whether that is time-outs or whatever seems to work for you and your daughter.

I will tell you this, that the first couple of times you really lay down the law and stick to it, you can expect melt-downs on a major scale. She is testing your resolve. Don't give in. Once she figures out what is acceptable and what isn't, she will listen more readily.

Another thing I found very helpful was to tell my three-year old, after a time-out session, that I loved her very much but her bad behavior wasn't good. "Its not good to hit, scream, etc..." It helped reassure her that I still loved her and it is helped her see that it was her negative actions that I didn't love.

Hey Aubrey,
No, no, no, you are NOT a terrible mother! Not a all! And, you're wrong... you absolutely CAN discipline a 14 month old. I started disciplining my children around 9 months. (I'm talking about teaching, NOT punishing. There's a HUGE difference between the two.)

The key words I see here are "until she gets what she wants." She has learned that sooner or later you WILL give in. Every time you give in, you reinforce the negative behavior. Now you must RE-teach her that you WON'T give in. You need to put her in her room, or somewhere where she doesn't have an audience. Consistency is the answer. When you're out and about, and she decides to throw a tantrum, you must remove her immediately. Take her somewhere away from people, (bathrooms are good for this,) get down to her level & tell her she has ONLY two choices. She can sit in the car by her self and scream, or she can stay with you and NOT scream. Don't be afraid to put her in the car, and then step away to a place where she can still see you, but stay put until she calms down. You don't want her to think you've abandoned her, but you do want her to understand that her behavior is unacceptable, and you won't put up with it anymore. You may have to do this several times on the same day or even the same restaurant/bank/store, etc. You MUST be consistent, EVERY time. This is very very hard to do, and unfortunately because she's so old, it's going to be hard to fix. But not impossible. You can do it!
Good luck,
M. W.

Children are smarter than we give them credit for. I have 3 children: 8, 5, and 2. Our oldest is very strong willed, and she new how to work us as parents at an early age. You cannot give in as a parent. You have to be consistent when you say no. We would let our oldest scream for up to 2 hours, and gradually over time, the amount of time she screamed dwindled. It is not about being comfortable, but wanting the best for your child.

It is not easy to let your children scream it out. I recommend placing them on their bed, alone, so the child knows they don't have an audience. Your child will be fine and over time the tantrums will dwindle. It will take time. I hope you find what works for you.

A., you say she wants to do what she wants to do and will scream if you say no? What is it she wants to do? What is your day like? Do you work and if so where does she go for care? Is their a father involved? Does he live with you. Are you her only caregiver?

I am going to guess and say that it is just you and her 24/7 or you work and she is in daycare.

I have the feeling that you are overwhelmed with everything and really don't know what to do. So, lets try this for a week.

If you are home 24/7 tomorrow morning you will get her up and be happy and smiley. Sometimes when a person is the only care giver, it is hard to get up and be happy and smiley at 6:00 am when all you wont to do is sleep a little longer.

So then your days should be completely devoted to her and you have to be the most happy and excited mom in the world. Sounds crazy, I know. But if you can devote a week to just her and get her calmed down so she doesn't want the things she knows you don't want her to have, life will be beautiful. Play music, sing songs, play with her toys, go for walks, giggle and hug and hug and giggle all day long. You will have to do the cleaning and washing when she is napping or you can have her help you. They love to help put clothes in the washer, or take things out of the diswasher. Just go with the flow.

If you work, then before work while you are getting ready you do the same things and on the way to the sitter you sing and laugh and have a great time and when you pick her up you continue with the fun and when you get home continue with the smiling and the laughing.

A couple of things to avoid: NO TALKING ON YOUR CELL PHONE IN THE CAR. NO TALKING ON ANY PHONE IN THE HOUSE UNLESS SHE IS HAPPILY PLAYING OR WATCHING A VIDEO.

This is because kids (and husbands) have a problem with us on the phone. I don't know why, but you know that she acts up worse if you are trying to talk to someone, right?

During this week of smiling and singing and happy camper you will find that you are in a much better frame of mind and things will evolve to a more normal way of life. We can't always be happy and smiley, we will have things that happen and we get upset and tired and lose control. But when that happens and she reverts back to the old behavior, it will only take an hour or so of happy, smiley and singing to change both of your moods. Kids feel how we feel and they react the only way they know how.

Good luck to you A.. If there is a father or other family members involved in her care, see if they can all do the same things with her.

Enjoy your baby. She is only 14 months old but she will be 14 years old before you know it. Love her and hug her and tell her you love her over and over and over and over. Don't try to grow her up too soon. That will happen all by itself.

Marciab
____@____.com

My son has been throwing tantrums since about that age. He is 17 months now. It's funny, because my daughter wasn't like that--she would lose interest in whatever she was angry about and move on after a couple minutes...but not my son! That kid can SCREAM. I actually find it kind of funny sometimes--he stomps, bangs his fists on things, swats stuff away if I try to hand him his teddy bear or something else to console him. I guess I am good at tuning stuff out, because if he can't be consoled by a few simple distractions, I just let him have his fit, and go about my business. Unless of course he is in danger of hurting himself (he sometimes will throw himself backwards onto the floor), and then I will make sure he is safe.

Try to see the humor in her tantrums, if you can! As far as not being able to discipline your 14 month old, YES YOU CAN. Number one, DON'T give her what she wants when she throws a tantrum! If you do, it only reinforces her behavior. Especially if you give in after a prolonged amount of time, because this will just teach her that if she is persistant, you will give her what she wants.

As far as going out to eat at restaurants, you just might have to get take out for a while until she is older! We rarely try to eat out any more, but when we do, I bring crayons, books, toys, snacks, and a portable high chair for my son (he climbs right out of those restaurant ones). Also, a trick we tried when my daughter was little, was to feed her dinner before we went out to eat, and then get her a special desert at the restaurant while we ate our dinner. This was such a treat for her it kept her occupied for quite a while. Good luck!