Spoiled 9 Year Old

As a mother with a child who has true panic attacks ... your daughter isn't having them. My son has NEVER had a panic attack because he was told to clean his room. And he just turned 10 also.

Your daughter is throwing a huge temper tantrum. And that's fine, she can be mad and not want to clean her room. Doesn't mean you have to acknowledge it or give in to it. Her room has a door ... close it when she throws a fit. The rule in my house is "you wanna throw a fit .. go right ahead. However you have to do it in your room and there will be no kicking the walls or doors or anything else where I have to hear a barrage of thumps and bumps. And when you're done with your fit ... clean your room."

My question for you to think about is Why are you arguing with a 9 yr old? YOU are the mama YOU make the rules. She can either abide by them or suffer the consequences. The last thing I'd like you to think about is if your daughter is spoiled ... who spoiled her? It's not too late to change that, but if you don't do it now ... you're going to have hell on wheels when she's a teenager.

Good luck.

Hi Shandon,
My mom used this trick for getting us to pick up our stuff. She would let us know when it was time to clean up and she set a timer. Anything left out of place when the timer went off was put in the "trash". Of course she didn't really throw anything away, just put it out of sight for a while. She did it in a calm, matter of fact manner. If we threw a tantrum, she would ignore us or leave the room with NO response. It really sounds like your daughter is "playing" you with her drama queen act, some how she is getting the response she is looking for from you. My advice is to stop responding and/or arguing with her and take action. Ignore the tantrum/panic attacks, calmly tell her what you expect and walk away. If she doesn't obey (my husband HATES this word) by the time the timer has gone off, follow through with the "consequences" and ignore her tantrum. If she gets too dramatic, tell her to go to her room until she can control herself. Be very firm and consistent with no reaction. This is a technique my therapist has suggested we use with our 3 yr old too. It really works. Just think of how it will be when she is a teenager if you don't re-establish your authority. Good luck!
Sincerely,
L.

Hello Shandon,

Make a simple list of chores that your daughter is to do. Make a list of privileges and/or treats your daughter enjoys. For every chore that isn’t accomplished, cross off a privilege. For every tantrum or bad behavior, same thing (privilege or treat lost).

Both you and her father should sit down with her and explain to her that you need her help and that “we all work together as a family”. Go over the list. Ask her if she has any questions or has anything to add. Make sure that she understands. If she accepts it, great. If she immediately goes into a tantrum, cross a privilege or treat off the list. Above all, stick to your decision.

Hi Shandon- I'm not sure about full blown tantrums but my unusually mellow & easy going girl has become pretty challenging this past year, she turns ten in October. Most of the time she is a sweet, smart and very mature girl but when it comes to chores, some types of homework or a job she deems unimportant or disinteresting she either completely ignores us or spaces out and turns a simple task into a total household drama. Making a list has helped, we have a Mon-Fri chore list on the fridge and while I've let it go a bit during summer we'll pick it up again next week when school starts. Another thing that helps is not getting caught up in the drama. My girl will create the biggest scene over a simple request to clean her room. I just try (hard as it is) to state what I expect and the consequences of not doing it and then leave the room and don't respond to her antics. It's not that she's disrespectful but more like she all of a sudden becomes totally helpless and negative. I think it's just an effort to control me and it sounds a bit like what your daughter is doing. I try to remind myself what it was like to be that age. You are still a kid subject to so much adult control but just over the horizon you see the exciting (and scary) world of being a teenager. I think at nine most girls are starting to really realize that someday soon they will grow up and that will bring up all kinds of feelings that can be hard to deal with. I try to hug and snuggle with her as much as possible as I notice that as kids get older it seems we don't touch them as much. She just soaks up attention like that so I know she still needs a lot of it even if it seems she is pushing away. The most important thing for me has been to not let it effect the whole family and allow her to control the peacefulness of the house. Something tells me that this is just a little practice for the future of parenting a teenager and as with all stages of childhood this too shall pass. Remember to enjoy the good times and praise her every chance you get. Good luck!

My oldest girl is such a helper and always has been . My second child my now 8 year old son struggled with helping. He'd complain when asked ,roll on the floor and say why me. I'm to tired and on and on he'd have excuses. This started at around age 5 or so. I'd explain to him how it was part of being a family we all work together to make things nice. My husband has been a part of this to. An important roll model. Finally tired of argueing with my son I decided to use use humur and logic. One day when he was throwing a fit about helping out I said " James theres alot of things you ask me for during the day that I don't nessesarly want to do but they are part of being your mom so I do it. But how would you like it if I responded the way you do every time you asked"? Then I dramaticly acted out the way he dose. " Whaaaat ! I have to make breakfast every day , why do I have to always make everybody breakfast. I am tired , I don't want to!" I also sometimes roll on the floor or put my head on the table. I'd be whinning too. My son couldn't resist a smile at this and over and over I used this to remind him how it feels and to appreciate that I do alot for him with out a complaint. It really worked. When he'd start to complain I'd remind him how do you want me to treat you when you need something and he'd relize how silly it was to complain and he'd pull it together and help . My husband and I both tried to catch the times he helped with out complaining and give him big hugs and thank him for doing something we knew was maybe hard. That we really appreciated his help. Praise up the positve when ever you can. Now we have been commenting out loud how we notice James dosn't complain anymore .In fact he asks us if we need any help and even finds chores to do. Yes this is true. Capture your childs heart and the reward is beyond words.

I have to recommend this wonderful book as it helped my spouse and I deal with my son's tantrums effectively no matter what brought them on.

Dreamers, Discoverers & Dynamos: How to help the child who is bright, bored, and having trouble in school. by Lucy Jo Palladino.

Just ignore the title and see if your local library has it.

Also, I use a wonderful product for calming my kids when they get worked up about anything (which is not very often anymore). It is called rescue remedy. It is for calming. It comes in drops or a little spray bottle and can be found in a health food store or online. Just google it.

Good luck!

T.
Founder
www.theparentpack.org

I was spoiled senseless as a girl. I just lay around eating ice cream all day. I had 3 houses. But, I learned what was needed to learn. I have a 17 year old, a 14 year old, and a 12 year old. I spoil my kids infinitely but theyll learn one day. As for the panic attacks, see a doctor or a specialist. But remember, I was awfully spoiled as a kid, but learned what was necessary

Shandon,
Ever watch nanny 911? That would be what I see a lot of what your child is doing. Only one of my kids tried it, and it ended really quickly. It is her way of having power over you. You need to develope a rewards system and chore chart in your house. We have one.
It creates self discpline and self respect for you and her.
You will really appreciate it when she is a teenager, and she won't be out of control. Because next will start the
pre teen back talking, if you don't initiate the control now. Is that what you want? Remember, make the rewards small manageable things like going to dairy queen at the end of the week if all the chores got done. That kind of thing.

I heard that too .But, as one would say easier said than done, ST. PHX, AZ. P.S. "I'm going Insane, Like I left something out"?(Primary, single male 55 w/ a 10 yr. old Daughter). I've got to fix this! This is my job.......Feels as though I've enabled her , to get to this point. DVR or not !!! There is no quitting. This is where I should shine. But UNDERSTANDING, I don't get it. Where's the pro.counselor? I just got spanked That explains alot . Blame it on high cap. weapons . Clue, Some ONE has to be the operator. Kinda like Immigration? Then say; Why......?