13 Year Old Who Doesn't Want to Help...

I've found that honesty and a kind heart seem to work wonders with a teenager. I'll have to say that my teen (just turned 15) is a boy, and I don't know if that makes a difference or not, but this worked for me: There was a point in time, and I believe it was when he was 13, that I began to get a slight 'attitude' from him. Similar to what you are describing with your daughter. I remember reading this book called 'Bringing up Boys' by Dr. James Dobson. There was alot that I disagreed with in that book, but one thing stuck with me that I have always remembered - that is, teens NEED to break away from their parents. Dr Dobson puts it in a way of, they need to 'kill' their parents in a sense, so that they can become adults themselves - which is where the attitude and hurtful comments ususally come in.

Now that your daughter is beginning this transition, I believe it would be somewhat detrimental to your relationship to treat her the same way as you always have. I remember sitting my son down and explaining to him, during a calm, quiet moment, that he may notice that I wasn't treating him the same anymore. I explained to him that my job as a parent was to make sure that I taught him to be a respectful, independent adult. And now that he was growing up, he needed to start making more and more decisions on his own. I let him know that I trusted his judgement and that I would offer my opinion, but that most decisions would ultimately be his. The conversation then turned to chores around the house, and helping out. I let him know that we are all part of a family and sometimes it gets a little hectic during the days, but that we all needed to take part in caring for our home. I expected that his chores got done, with or without my intervention, and if I asked him to do something extra, it was because I really needed the help. I also let him know that I did not want him to resent me in anyway - so if he was having bad feelings, to express them to me, and we'd work it out one way or another. The entire conversation was kind and loving, and I expressed over and over how proud I was of the person that he was becoming.

I don't know if this will help your situation, but it was a huge turning point for my son. It was like I gave him permission to grow up and be responsible. I find him lagging on his chores occasionally when his schoolwork gets backed up, but, I'll let him know it's ok, I'll pick up the slack while he catches up. If I feel it's carrying on a little too long, I'll mention it and ask him if he needs some help scheduling his time. This will usually snap him out of it, because he likes to schedule his own time. :)

Hope this helps. :)

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I honestly don't know what to tell you about getting her to comply. I am dealing with a similar attitude with my 5 year old boy, so I guess my attitude is expect it young and when they are older it will be easier. LOL....

I just wanted to tell you one thing. Very little was expected of me when I was growing up, my mom did everything and never really asked me to help. Now that I'm a married adult, I have a very hard time knowing how to clean properly, and it took me a while to learn how to cook, although I have the hang of it now. I am actually Jealous of people who had a lot of chores and were taught time management and housecleaning techniques growing up. Anyway, just thought I would offer that perspective.

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Hi E.!

There are soooooo many stages to having kids, aren't there? I always believed that a home was a partnership to keep up, that we were all in it together.....that was until I had teenagers living under our roof :O) It's amazing how when the girl's "attitude" starts, everything else does too.

If it comforts you any....your daughter is normal :O) I know how "shocking" it can be the first dozen times the backtalk happens, but it just keeps happening. The sooner you can find a way "to strike a nerve back" to her (but on an adult level), then she will begin to straighten up.

At her age, she will need extra "accessories", or $$$$ to go with friends, etc.... These are things that she can earn in your home. It's wonderful that she has a "job" at her age to help her feel more independent, but she'll still need you, too.

When my daughter went through this beginning teen "stage", she had an extra cirricular activity she liked to do with friends 2-3 times a week. This was where I started my "lesson". 24 hours in advance I would ask her to please put the dishes away, or whatever. I got the same reactions as you in the beginning..."No". But, either way, I asked her to do 3 chores within 24 hours of this friend activity. I was patient enough one day to leave the chores waiting for her until they were done. By the time it came time to go, she asked if I was ready, I told her I was but she wasn't until she did the 3 chores I had asked her to do. This didn't go over too well, but my point was made. She respected me enough to do them, even in a huff. The motherly challenge is to begin excepting the "huff's", as long as she's doing the work :o)

Teenage girls are tricky, because they can really go "behind your back" and make you look terrible, and say things to their friends about you. Well, at least in my case :O) They are soooooooo dramatic and sooooo emotional with even the samlllest things. And the world only revolves around them :O)

My advice is to stick to the lessons that matter. Homework rules, rules of safety, and responsibility. I mean, how can you trust her at 16 in a car if you don't begin to demand respect and honesty now?

You will do absolutely great! Just simply go with your instincts, and strengthen that backbone. You have an emotional ride ahead of you :O)

~N. :O)

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I also agree with Catherine's suggestion. If she doesn't help you, then you don't need to always help her.

Take it one step further, and buy or borrow some materials from Love and Logic. It's a parenting style designed to not fight with kids, but to raise them to be responsible for the right reasons.

http://www.loveandlogic.com/

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Hi E.,
My kids are young still, but I recall giving my mom some backtalk at that age as well. Her reaction was to give me "the look," but otherwise give no reaction. Then later, when I would ask her for something (to buy me something at the store, or would ask her for help on something), she would explain that if I were willing to do my part, she would gladly help me in return - but since I had refused (to wash the dishes, walk the dog, fold the laundry), she was not going to do what I was asking. Basically her theory was, when you help me, I help you. You don't help me, you're on your own.

As I recall, I became pretty good at getting my chores done on time! I'm sure I resented having to do chores at the time, but that's just how teenagers are, I think. There's probably not much you can do about the attitude, but you should be able to count on some help around the house, even if it comes from a surly source. =)

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When I was that age, I did the same thing. You practically described my childhood! When I would complain about being bored, my mom would ask me why I didn't clean my room. I would roll my eyes, or look at her like she was crazy. She would shrug and say, "well, if you're not going to do anything about it, quit complaining then." I think (now) she had a very valid point, and it's nice to remember that we didn't get into fights about it. Don't worry about entertaining your 13 year old. If she's as smart as you say she is, she'll figure it out.

I'd set up some rules when you're not angry. Every time I tell you to do a chore and you say no, this happens. Then make sure you follow up with the consequence you set. This way you don't have to discuss it at the time, it's just an automatic consequence when she doesn't do what she's told. My daughter's 11 and already starting, I feel your pain! Good luck, C.

E.,
I too have a 13 year old daughter that is changing this last year or so. She was always so mellow and easy going and now she is very selfish and moans about chores and helping with her two younger siblings. (3 years old and 10 months old) I do think a lot of it is the age. Middle school is such a tough time as the kids are trying to figure out who they are as individuals. I do not think it is acceptable for any child, any age to directly say "no" to chores or helping when the parent asks. With that said, what do you do when they do say "no." Have you tried talking with your daughter and explaining that "no" isn't an option and that you understand chores aren't fun but they have to be done? I've had many talks with my girl and it helps at first then we need a refresher talk to get things back on track. I think the next few years are going to be rough but there will be an end to the selfish attitudes. Your not alone with the 13 year old that doesn't want to help. Hang in there and try to keep cool. I've lost my cool and yelled, felt better at the time but wish I would of held it together. Take care.

Hi there,
Your 13 yr old should certainly have a standard list of weekly chores - having a pt job and school and still having responsibilities at home is part of life - and you help prepare her for the real world by expecting this from her. Also, I think a child who is that old should be considerate to the fact that you are ill and be able to pick up some extra chores to ease your burden. I don't know, it's been a long time since I was thirteen and my little one has years to go yet but at any rate, my friend's three year old has a list of chores that include tidying his room, feeding the dog and so forth so I am nearly positive that you are not expecting too much from your thirteen year old. Good luck!

I have a 13 year old also and you are right she is a little spoiled. You must explain to her how you are working hard to all of the household chores and keep them happy at the sametime. Tell her you are not asking much and remember she will also be asking and would she want to see you get an attitude or just start saying no more often

We had the same problem. My daughter has to fill the dishwasher daily and if she complains she gets an additional chore. We had a few months of complaining but she realizes I mean business. I told her she is either going to learn to stop complaining or I am going to have a really clean house:) Good luck. She also is responsible for cleaning her room on Friday night before hanging out with friends on the weekend.

How possible would it be for you to make her chores mostly those things that she will feel a direct effect from if they are not done? I mean things like teach her to do laundry and have her do all her own laundry so that if she doesn't do it she is the one who doesn't have the clothing she wants to wear clean. I know kids also need to have chores to do that are for the rest of the family, but if you can keep it to a few simple things that she can really feel the pain if she doesn't do them, it might help.
Other than these suggestions, all I can say is hang in there. The teen years do pass and you'll both live through them. You'll wake up one day and be surprised at what a lovely young woman you have raised, and what a good friend she has become. Just don't try to rush that friendship bit too soon, because for the time being your role as mum is much more important.

If she's getting paid by the neighbor for helping out at her house she may think she should be getting compensated fo "helping out" at yours. She may need to have it explained that at your house she "earns" her place in the family by taking on responsibilities and gets "paid" in form of the things the others in the household do to her benefit (other chores, job to pay the bills/mortgage etc..). If she doesn't step up to the plate and pull her weight in your household tell her she won't be allowed to help out at the neighbor's for her pocket money (and tell her the neighbor has already been alerted). Let the neighbor know the situation ASAP so she isn't surprised if you need to pull your daughter from her aid. Your daughter needs to learn to be dependable on all levels or she'll lose her "jobs" and "benefits". You are her first "boss" and it's a lesson best learned from you.

I remember watching an episode of Oprah where the "expert" told the exasperated parents that they needed to make it clear they were in charge. Using that as a basis, my kids know that doing chores is part of being in a family and if they aren't willing to do chores their privileges will quickly start to disappear. The guy on Oprah suggested taking away their iPods, computers, phones, etc. (or whatever is meaningful to them) as consequences. For my kids, the threat of losing those privileges is enough.

Tell her that if she responds to you rudely, with a "no" when you reasonably ask her to do a chore, you will give her an additional chore. Then make her do it, and take away a privilege if you have to. Certain chores have to be done right away, but for some chores it is fair to give them a time limit, and then back off.

Don't be offended by the attitude, it's fairly normal at a certain age, especially for kids who are not made to do a lot of chores (like mine), but do nip the attitude in the bud somewhat. And just make her do the chore.

Hi there,

I too have teenage girls and sometimes I get pretty frustrated doing the same picking up after them over and over, especially when I am tired and not feeling appreciated.

I find a couple things really help: 1) when they do remember to take the dog out, hang wet towels up, etc... I thank them; 2) when irritated or tired, I say oh goodness, Fifi (our imaginary maid) has gone home, you will have to pick the towels up yourself!; and 3) I let them decide what the consequence will be, or tell them what the consequence will be if "the task" I asked them to do is not completed by bedtime or the next morning.

The other thing is that we sit down regularly and decide who will do what - daily and weekly - to keep the house running - and then I remind them (a lot) because as teens, a clean house is really not their priority. Good luck!

Um, flatly refusing to do something you've asked her to do is just plain unacceptable behavior, and, no offense, but you do neither you nor her any favors by allowing it. A smart way to counter this is to giver her the same treatment next time she wants you to do something she can do herself (even if it's something you usually do, say, washing her clothes). When she gets upset, explain that we all help out as being part of a family, and, when someone is extra-busy or sick, a little more might be asked of others. She probaly does also need to simply be told that kids do not have a right to flatly refuse a parent's request, too, though. Or you WILL have a spoilt brat.

My parents did a lot of informal family therapy over the years, and 1 thing Dad always told parents that came to them for advice:

"When you become a parent, you have 18 years to work yourself OUT of a job."

Also, my folks always told us we could complain sd much as we wanted--it didn't matter if we muttered like Yosemite Sam to ourselves--on our way to DO what we were asked to do.

I found that contracts are a good way to deal with teenagers. It also makes them feel more mature. When it is a quiet time, you sit down with your daughter and explain that you are going to make up a contract together. You can tell her what you expect of her and what the rewards will be when she completes these things. She can give input as to expectations and rewards. Rewards do not have to involve money. They can also be rewards of time or special trips, for example.

She's thirteen and testing her boundaries. I agree with Catherine, fight fire with fire. Don't argue with her, that's what she wants.... it makes a good "brat" story to tell her friends at school. Just keep track of what she isn't doing at home and just quit "doing" for her until she finally "gets it". Thirteen yr olds are generally very "self" centered. You have to slowly make her realize that the universe doesnt rotate around her. It's not easy, but you are the mom and you teach her how to treat you.

Poor mum! Teens are tough ... I'm glad mine aren't there yet. One thing that I read recently in a parenting magazine is not to ask but to tell. It may not help her change her attitude immediately, but perhaps eliminate the discussion in the long run. She needs to know that "no" isn't an answer because helping out isn't an option, but an obligation as a household member. Something along the lines of "I need you to unload the dishwasher before dinner." She'll start with no but then that gives you the opportunity to tell her that you didn't ask her whether she wanted to or not and that it needed to be done within a certain timeframe (or before she wants to do something like talk on phone or go to friend's house).

Good luck!

Hi E.,
Gosh, your letter sounds so familiar. My daughter is also 13,we have the same issues. We also recently had her older brother(23) his wife & baby move in with us, due to lack of work. So now my 13 yr old thinks she does not have to do ANY chores. She use to clean the kitchen, & do dishes. Now my daughter in law does it cause she is not that great of a cook & still learning, so she feels the least she can do is clean up after I cook. Which is Great...but my 13 yr old views this as "GOOD, I never have to do dishes again"....which is not true & unfair to the daughter in law....When I ask her to perform a simple chore, the response usually is "why doesn't _____(her brother or his wife) do it ?" Or she just plain ignores me.... Very frustrating!!
Just like your daughter, we have always been close. Our daughter is very mature for her age, and acts that way even under peer pressure.She is very open with us about friends & problems at school etc. We rarely EVER have to punish her in any way becus she rarely does anything wrong. BUT, we are afraid of the same thing we don't want her spoiled.My biggest issue is, if the worst thing she's doing is not picking up her dirty socks I guess we should be grateful....right? Or do I punish her for not following thru? We should not have to nag her to pick up her dirty clothes or feed her pets, or basically picking up after yourself....and she shouldn't assume that just because her brother isn't working(he is looking for work) that he should do all her chores.
I don't think I helped...sorry, I think i just confused the issue more???? But i did just want you to know YOU are not in this alone...we have the exact same problems.
We don't know what to do either.....I have learned this ..."Pick your battles". With teen's sometimes it's easier not to sweat the small stuff.
Sounds to me like what you may need is a little mom time with your hubby.After the long week with the cold(i just got over having a fever all day Valentines day) and your hubby working such long hours.....a couple hours of parents time just may make all the problems go away??? We can only hope...right?...hahaha
Good Luck.....

I've been there my kids are now older 15, 18 and 19 but it's still a struggle to get them to do things and I've become very good at putting a deaf ear to their groans. I've got to say my kids have never said no or I'm not doing that in a defying manner more than once because the consequences wasn't worth the punishment or the guilt trip I threw back at them. Here is what I've done and maybe it'll help you. I made sure I threw the guilt around to them and said things like, "I guess I don't need to do your laundry" or "remember that party you wanted to go to I guess you don't want to go that bad, or "I try to make your life easier the least you can do is help me" These still work but the good thing is I only have to use it very rarely.
You need to make sure that you get the respect you deserve because being a stay at home Mom is the most difficult job so get mad and angry at her and tell her she acting spoiled and there is no place in your home for this attitude.
Yes you'll probably end up in a big fight but I've found putting your foot down firm and getting in a big hissy fit does work and she'll get the point (I hope)
It is so hard to raise children and the most difficult job we can ever have, no manual, no instructions of any kind but common sense and lots of prayers.
Good luck and let me know how it goes.

W.

I've been reading lots of love and logic to deal with my 4 y/o's... The only teen I've ever dealt with was my sister... who had a serious attitude. I have to say, I like the love and logic approach... You live here... please choose 4 of 6 or 8 chores listed here that you will do regularily. Maybe remind her once, but if you have to do it. She owes you somehow. Like you can't drive her somewhere because he need to relax after having to do her work. etc...

I'm also a little surprised to hear people talk about how mature their children are for their age... and in the same breath describe their 6 y/o behavior. A Mature person, has a job, and does it... or gets fired... generally as simple as that...

I also, liked the suggestion of using her same "no" response to her requests. Kids at this age are looking to be more responsible for themselves.. and they often take that to mean they don't have to do anything unless it benefits them personally...

good luck!