What Is an Appropriate Punishement for This Behavior?

I agree. Quit doing her laundry. Let her do it herself from now on.

My 8yo has been doing all of his own laundry for a couple years now, so at 14 she's more than capable.

I personally view a "chore" as a contribution a child makes to a household. Putting away her own clothes is not a chore, but a responsibility to herself. If she doesn't want folded, neat clothes, what's it to you? In all seriousness?

IMHO, the girl needs to be doing a LOT more around the house. Putting away her own clothes should seem easy by comparison. I'll second the suggestion that she should be making a meal a week for the family, vacuuming the house, cleaning bathrooms, etc.

As for the punishment: For lying, extra chores. She needs to earn back the trust by doing extra work.

Leave her one outfit in her closet. She will get the hint when she has no choice. Make her earn them back. Next time she does not hang up when she is supposed to. Tell her the first outing that comes up that she really wants to go to . Tell her she cannot go. Stick to it. I did this and boy did it work.

"Punishment" makes perfect sense to a parent, but unless it is directly connected to the behavior itself, it may simply be exasperating to a young person. Some exasperation gets results from some kids, but by their teens, many have already learned to tune out their parents, whom they see as unnecessarily demanding and restrictive.

So, the most logical fallout would be to leave care of her clothing to her. Period. If she wants to wear clothes that are attractive and clean, she will have to figure it out herself.

Once any area of behavior becomes a power issue, especially in the teens when our growing children are quite naturally chafing for more personal control, it's no longer the (clothing, diet, homework, etc.) that's really the cause of the kid's resistance. From their point of view, they want to make their own choices.

Based on my own childhood, in which my mom controlled basically when and how I lived every moment of my life, I think it's much wiser to give kids reasonable opportunities to exercise control over their own activities. If not now, then when will they get the practice? (And practice is needed, just as with any important life skill.)

When my daughter was in 4th grade, I turned over complete control of her wardrobe to her, and within days, she had taken reasonable charge. Since we used the laundromat in those days, I would wash her clothes, but only if they made it into the hamper. She was required to fold or hang up the clean laundry, IF she wanted to. If items found their way back to the hamper before being worn because of neglect, laundromat charges would have come directly out of her week's allowance – but I don't recall that she ever failed to take care of her clean outfits once she understood I was serious about this policy.

If you do this, you will really need to restrain yourself from making any comments about her choices. She has her own tastes and standards, and it's really okay if they are different from yours. She may not take the same level of care that you would (some people have a more highly-developed need for neatness than others), and it may take her weeks or months to settle on what is for her a workable solution. But she'll be learning a personal and enduring lesson in responsibility that will carry her farther through life than obeying rules that remain imposed from the outside.

There is a lot of I did or I do in your post. At 14 I was doing my own laundry, I was dusting my own room, was vacuming my own room and I was organizing my own closet and dresser. I think that she needs more responsibility and she would gain better respect for what she has.... because she has to do it herself. Chores at my house were things that needed to be done in the common area of the home like sweep the kitchen, clean a bathroom, vacume a living room. We were just expected to make our beds, keep our rooms clean and take care of our own clothes. I think that if you continue to do everything for her she will continue to not care if her clothes are shoved in a box or under her bed. Her punishment.... tell her from now on you are doing your own laundry! I also think that her punishment is waiting and when she askes to go out with her friends next time you tell her NO, because last time you lied to me before you went.

Best of luck the teen years are no fun!

This sounds like typical teenage behavior to me. I would get her where it hurts and remove the clothing that she is not taking care of. Leave her with only 3 outfits and take away the rest until she proves she can take care of her belongings, not to mention this will make her appreciate her clothes even more. The 1st day she has to wear the same outfit twice in one school week should be the turning point. At 14 she can be responsible for her own laundry. I don't think I would ground her from activities, trust me the worst thing you can do to a teenage girl is make them a fashion victim, lol. I would say 2 weeks max of being without her precious clothes will make a lasting impression.

She wants some control of her own life. This is quickly becoming a struggle with you over clothes. Somewhere along the line, in raising teens, we have to decide what we want to be punishing them over and what we will let go of. To me, clothes is not a big issue, neither is how she takes care of her room. It is much better to know that she is minding curfew hours, hanging with good friends, so on.
Stop the struggle and make her responsible for her own room including care of clothes, dusting, vacuuming, the works. If the room bothers you, keep the door closed. She will either live in her mess, or begin to take care of it. And she will also begin to appreciate when she finally decides she enjoys living in a cleaner room.
I did this with my girls. I still did their laundry (to maximize loads and save water and electricity), but only what they put in a laundry basket. If it ended up on their floor, or anywhere else, it did not get washed. There wasn't much they could say if they wanted to wear something that was still dirty because it didn't end up in the laundry basket.
She will only be home for a few more short years, and then she may be on her own, off to college, becoming an adult. Enjoy these years with her. A struggle over the room is just not worth it.

Honestly, she would be looking for those clothes for a long time because I would take them out of her room and hide them. She could wear her old clothes to school since she can't appreciate and take care of the new ones and she could earn her clothing back a piece at a time by doing ALL of her chores consistently and behaving with integrity toward her family.

She would also, from this point on, have to do her own laundry and everytime she abused her clothes they would "disappear" and we'd start the process all over again.

I would be so furious too that my daughter would behave in such a fashion that she treated her clothes with a sense of entitlement as though she deserves them and if she ruins them there are always more clothes. I would be livid over the lie and would probably ground her for that, too, or at least institute a full room inspection before she leaves the house from now on.

Hope this helps, and you should know that every kid tries something like this at one point or another. It's as though one day they wake up and decide we are stupid and easily fooled. Don't worry, soon enough she will realize that God loves moms and that means she will ALWAYS get found out.

L.

**I wouldn't recommend lying about where the clothes are. For one thing, you don't need to. She messed up, you reacted accordingly and that's about the long and short of it. More importantly, you want to always be a truth teller in your relationship. If you want her to be truthful with you then you have to be %100 truthful to her. She isn't going to feel obligated to tell the truth to someone who lies to her, even if it is to teach her a lesson.

When I was 14, not only was I doing my own laundry, I was buying my own clothes with my own money from baby sitting and grocery bagging after school. Those were the days BEFORE there were cute cheap clothes everywhere, so yup-thrift stores, or saving for ages for one cool thing, and I even started making my own goth get ups since we didn't have Hot Topic. Go figure, I ended up working in the garment industry for years...I got a few basics from the parents for school shopping, but any extras I had to buy myself. Of course if I bought or made them myself, I hand washed them, line dried them, hung them up and took care of them. And I wouldn't have dreamed of abusing my other clothes, because it never would have been tolerated.

Under my parents roof, we had to take care of the stuff in our rooms, even if we bought it, but especially if they bought it, or we would not get more. Which didn't even happen, because I can't even imagine the audacity of the behavior you're talking about. Yes it's a drag following rules, that's why kids move out at 18. It's meant to be that way, or they'd stay forever. Remind her that. Be tough.

Take away the clothes you find misplaced for at least one week before giving any back. Then let her earn them back piece by piece with x amount of days not leaving any on the chair or the floor. Start making her buy or at LEAST wash her own clothes. My 4 year old already knows how to set the washer properly for colors or darks.

She could use some added consequences for the outright defiance and disrespect and lying as well. Removal of luxuries in my book. Strip her room and let her earn back her cute trinkets with respectful behavior. Take away some activities and let her earn them back. She has too much handed to her (not really , but she's acting like it) if she's this ungrateful. She's only a few short years from adulthood if she leaves at 18-she needs to get some accountability.

I like the idea of turning over her laundry duty to her. If she wants to be stinky and wrinkled, it'll be her choice either way :)

I agree she should be in charge of her own laundry and cleaning her room.

Close her door.

That is what we did with our daughter.. If her room was a mess and she did not have clean clothes or could not find her clothes, I would just look at her with a blank stare and shrug my shoulders. How on earth would i know where her clothes were? They were not my responsibility.

If I got tired of the mess. I would tell her.. "On Thursday whatever i find on your bedroom floor is going in the trash.. and it did"..

She is now in college and her room is still messy in her dorm, but she is on the Deans list each semester, so as far as I am concerned she is doing great..

I think an appropriate punishment is to take away the clothes she hid! Don't say anything to her, let her figure it out.
Also, you can stop doing her laundry for her. She is PLENTY old enough to do it herself. Maybe if she understands the work and time it takes to sort, wash, fold, hang, and put away she will start taking better care of her things.
For the things you take away....when she finally figures out that you took her clothes let her know that she can earn them back. Every week that she does her laundry and puts it away she may pick out 1 (or 2) pieces of clothes that you took. It will take her a while to earn them back and hopefully by then she will have a habit of taking care of her things.
L.

I think it is appropriate to stop doing her laundy. She won't appreciate what you do for her until she has to do it herself. If she throws a fit because she doesn't have any clean clothes, or begs you to do laundry again, just say calmly that you don't feel motivated to wash her clothes right now. If she tries to argue use "I respect you too much to argue about this".

I'd stop vacuuming her room too! If she wants to live in a messy environment let her. She's old enough to take responsibility for her own room & clothes, and if she chooses not to let her face the natural consequences of her actions.

I won't respond that she has too many clothes. But I will respond that perhaps your using this as a control measure. your daughter is 14 she is old enough to do her own laundry. if she has a closet and a dresser let it go. if she wears them out of a basket so be it. if she leaves them on the floor so be it. But you should stop doing her laundry for her. She can wash and dry and fold it herself. give her a set day for her laundry. this will ensure that she knows what shape her clothing is in. my boys all had great dressers that were part of bedroom sets. at this point the two older college boys do not use dressers of any kind. they have installed themselves shelves in the closets and they use those with baskets for socks and underwear. the youngest has a dresser which usually has clean clothing piled on top and empty drawers. its a control issue that you should just let go. just because your organized doesn't mean she will be. save the battles for bigger things like no dating 20 year olds and no driving in cars with new drivers. in the grand scheme there will be much bigger battles to fight.

Oh boy does this bring back memories of my daughter and this very thing. It was a never ending battle. I am not sure you will like my answer but I finally just gave up and kept out of her room. When she would come to me to iron her shirt because it was way to wrinkled (from being thrown on the floor) I would say NO. you get to iron or wear this shirt like it is. Also if the clothes were not put into the laundry room to wash they didnt get washed. A few times of going to school in wrinkled/dirty shirt cured the problem. Hang in there mom and Pick your battles carefully.

It sounds like you're her maid. (not literally, of course. BUT...in her teenage mind) Maybe, SHE should be cleaning her room. MAKE her take responsibility for her own living space. If she wants clean, folded clothes she needs to do it.
If you ask her, if she did something...BEFORE she can get out of the house, check it out. Is she didn't do it or lied about doing, don't let her go anywhere. If she's not going anywhere, still check when you ask. If she lied, next time she wants to go out, don't let her. I know, it might sound harsh. She is really playing you, though. A couple times a stern discipline and she'll realize you mean what you say!!

PS. I agree about the lying, it is troublesome. If she's lying about very small things, she could very well be lying about big things. If she continues to lie about her clothes, start checking into wherever she goes. Make sure, she is truly going where she says she is. Talk with the parents at the other houses and make sure is there, is she is at a friends house. Make sure she knows you're looking into it, because she is lying, and you feel you can't trust her word. When she is being 100% truthful to you consistently, you can step back.

Don't do anything for her anymore.
Nor let her do anything anymore.
She is lazy.
She is lying, because she does not clean up her room/clothes but tells you she did.

Where is Dad in all this?

You ALL, have to sit down, and as the other said, have a family meeting about it... stating your house rules and for her.

good luck,
Susan

The lying is the part I would be concerned about. I would have some hard punishment for lying. For us, daughter lives for her IPhone, Laptop and CHi iron. Those 3 things would be gone. At this point, you have lost trust in your daughter and she has to gain it back. I'd make my daughter see the importance of not lying and working her butt off to regain trust in the house. I've always told my daughter is she acts like a 2 yr old, she will be treated like one. That is no staying home alone, going EVERYWHERE with me, not going out with friends, etc.

As far as the clothes, my daughter's room was always a mess and clothes (good clothes) everywhere. I chose not to fight that battle and allow her the natural consequences and not finding what she needed in time for school, not locating the designated cheer workout out for the day and NOT taking the things to school for her.

A couple weeks ago, daughter painted her room and moved EVERYTHING closely related to teen out of it and made more of a college aged theme. It has been spotless ever since. I guess something just clicked.

Good luck!

I have a son who just absolutely cannot seem to bring himself to hang up his clothes either. He is 12. I don't get it. I really don't.

What I am on the verge of trying, is just removing the clothes. Yep, just take them. Bag them up and hide it somewhere.

Eventually she is going to come to you and ask about them.... shrug your shoulders and say "I don't know. You said you hung them up, check your closet." and walk away...

I have 2 DD's. One just entered college and the other is 14. I regret not showing the college daughter about laundry until her Senior year!! These are both things I am implementing this school year with my 14 yr old. She will definitely get more laundry experience which included ironing. i would occasionally iron for my other daughter if she asked nicely or just a "surprise" for being nice. Another lesson you could start is stop buying her clothes!! She can "earn" money by doing her laundry and maybe other chores. That can be her clothes allowance. Until it comes out of their pocket, they don't appreciate the value and never will.
For the lying, that is definitely to be punished and is the only thing we told our girls we would not tolerate!!! Grounding does not work cause we have to make excuses for school activities that they are committed to. The best thing was always no contact with friends-take cellphone, computer, no calls to home phone, etc. 2-3 days at max. and w/o warning so she can't send a notice to all that she will be out of touch!! Really hurts if a boyfriend is involved!!
Good luck!

We have different levels of punishment here. One level for doing what not supposed to, or not doing what is your responsibility, and a "higher level" for lying.
When they lie, we get them where it hurts....the thing they most like to do. For our boys, it's video games/ computer time. It goes away for days when they lie. For my neighbor (14 yr. old girl), it's her phone. poof! gone!

You need to use the big one (what hurts most to lose) for lying.

My kids started doing their own laundry at about 13-14. I have one son who also hates to hang up his clothes. Hates it! Don't know why...it's only a hanger and a closet.
So we found an extra large dresser at a furniture store closing sale and he will gladly fold his clean clothes and put them in drawers.
I don't get it, but it was his choice, and sometimes when they are teens and you give them choices so the job still gets done, it works much better than dictating how it has to be done.

Third, I think you do too much for her and her clothing. Not a criticism, just an observation. Your mom buys the clothes (I think she should have to buy some), you re-organized her closet and got her new shelving....she sees her clothes are you and your mom's thing. You have control, not her.
Change the power dynamics and you give her ownership of it.

p.s. some might say, well, the kid (my son who has a large dresser now) has a perfectly good closet and won't put anything there...but then I use it for out of season clothes storage and our Christmas decorations!!! Win for me!

Of the ones I have read, they were all good suggestions. One more thing I would add to this is, since Grandma is the one who bought her these clothes, I would make her tell Grandma in person how she has been handling her clothes AND make her apologize for it too!

Honestly I would take the clothes and put them in a bag somewhere, then when she complains about not having anything clean to wear you can ask what she did with all the clothes you asked her to put away. That might be a little harsh, so maybe a grounding (3-4 days) and during that make sure she consistantly does her chores. If she skips or hides theings again it will add a day on. Ans possibley make her do her own laundry from know on, it would make her appriciate you doing it for her even more.

Time for a family mtg. to set house rules and punishments. Everyone sits down, parents outline the chores and rules(curfew, TV time, laundry, etc), everyone splits up the chores, and everyone agrees on what the punishment is for breaking each rule. Write it all down and post it. By giving kids a say-so in making rules and punishments, you take away any chance of hearing, " That's not fair!" Also, they will always offer some harsher punishment for something than you were thinking of. This gives you a chance to say something like, "Oh, I think maybe curfew can be midnight on special occasions instead of 11." Then you can negotiate something else they suggest that you don't want to give on. Focus punishments on adding to the chore list-- a teenager will sit in her room all day with no electronics and not complain about it, just to honk you off. Picking up dog poop was always a favorite of mine, also washing cars, vacuuming, scrubbing toilets, etc., you get the idea. She's been spoiled by guess who, so now it's time for a reality check. You aren't doing her any favors by doing things for her, that's not the way the real world works. She should be taking care of herself, her things, and doing chores as a member of the family. I'm sure she expects you to give her money and drive her around--- that's a 2-way street. And since she's lied, you need to check up on EVERY thing she says to show her that she has lost your trust and must work to build it back. You're in for a rough time until she figures that the gravy train is over.

At 14, she can do all the laundry for you. Then she can put yours on your bed. But, this is outright disrespect to you and the time you commit to making sure she is looking good. Do noooooooooooooot do her laundry. Do your own and others that respect you. When she wants to go out and says she has done whatever you asked, do nooooot let her leave the house until you have checked her laundry and her lies. Then ground her for both. That's it. No brainer. When she runs around in dirty clothes, she will take the hint or stink.

Tell her that you quit. Since she apparently doesn't respect (or appreciate) the laundry that you do, so tell her that she must now DO HER OWN LAUNDRY. After she does it for a couple of weeks, she'll learn to appreciate what you do for her. And going forward, make her do one load of laundry each week as part of her chores. She's old enough and she'll need to know how to do it when she's off to college or on her own in a couple of years.

I would be more concerned about the lying but it sounds like she's being a little bit rebellious and doesn't like her mom telling her continuously to keep clothes hung up, etc. I'm not saying you shouldn't expect her to keep her room and personal belongings reasonably neat and clean but she is reaching an age where you're ability to control what she does will become less and less and she needs to be able to make decisions and choices for herself. Have you asked her why she went through the effort to hide the clothes under her bed rather than just put them away? Why she felt the need to hide this and then lie to you about it?

I would impress upon her that if she lies about stuff like this, you will not be able to trust what she is telling you in the future and that will mean less and less freedom. You cannot trust her if she cannot tell the truth and that means she will not be allowed to have a cell phone, or drive the car, or hang out with friends, or whatever you would normally allow once she reaches a certain age. I would remind her that her grandmother did not spend all that money on clothes for her to stuff them under the bed. If she does not hang them up, she's the one that will have to deal with them being wrinkled and either have to go to school with wrinkled clothes, or have to iron them herself.

At 14, she is certainly old enough to be doing her own laundry and cleaning her own room, as well as facing the natural consequences of the choices she makes.

All the clothes that get left out: You take them and lock them away for two weeks. Then she'll learn that if she wants to wear her favorite black shirt or favorite bluejeans, then she needs to take care of them and obey her mother.

At the age of 14 she sure could do her own laundry. If she doesn't have time to do it, she has too much on her schedule. We rotate laundry as a chore and our children do two loads a day for the whole family (wash, dry, and put away properly) The younger children have help. She will not appreciate your work unless she knows what it takes to do the job herself. My advice is to just stop cleaning her clothes and when she runs out she will figure out what she needs to do.

The lying is more troublesome than the fact that she didn't put her clothes away. She is a teenager now and if she lies about laundry, who knows what else she will start lying about. I would ground her for lying for a few days, don't let her go out at all. Tell her you don't appreciate her skipping out on chores then lying about it. Also, she is definitely old enough to wash her own laundry. Put her in charge of this and when she doesn't do it she won't have any clean clothes to wear, then she is punishing herself and you can stay out of it.

When my son wouldn't put his clothes away and ruined what I had folded, I started making him fold his own laundry. He was 6 at the time. I personally think if she is going to undo your work then she can do her own laundry. Teach her how to wash her own clothes and explain to her if she ruins any of her clothes then she will have to pay to replace them. It is not unreasonable that a 14 year old does her own laundry, especially if she isn't appreciating you doing the work for her.

My DD is only 11, but I have a rule. I do our family laundry once week. I ONLY wash what is in her laundry basket. And I KNOW she has dirty clothes stuffed in her wardrobe, on the floor, under her futon couch, and likely in other spots in her bedroom. I don't pick them up. I wash, fold, and give back her clean laundry for her to put away. Sometimes she puts it away right away, and sometimes she uses it out of the basket the whole week. Every once in awhile I tell her she needs to clean some portion of her room that is out of control before she goes out to meet friends, or have computer time. And I check it before she gets to go. If she starts asking me for new clothes, something new for her room, or more privileges, that is the point I talk to her about needing to see improvement in how she is caring for what she already has first. Also, like another Mom said, the natural consequences for being messy and disorganized, is that she won't be able to find or have things clean when she needs them. She only has herself to blame if things are missing, stinky, and/or wrinkled. Punishment at this point? Maybe have her do the weekly family laundry on Saturday afternoon/evening, including all the folding and putting away. After that, tell her she can continue to do her own laundry 100% from start to finish, or she can put away her clean clothes the proper way when they are folded and returned to her.

Well, given the circumstances, it seems to me that at 14 she should be vacuuming and dusting her own bedroom, not to mention putting her clothes away.
If she doesn't care about her clothes, then I would take the clothes out of her room and she can come to you asking you where they are instead of you confronting her about where you found them.
"Mom....where are my clothes?"
Gee...where are they? Not hanging up in her closet, that's obvious.
I would let her vacuum and dust her own room, not go to football games or ballet practice and wear her old clothes until she can at least get those put away and then maybe you will consider giving back the new ones.
I went through the same thing with my daughter and she figured out pretty quickly that just putting her clothes away and hanging them up didn't take any more time than stashing them somewhere else in the long run.
Your daughter wasn't truthful with you, but you don't have to let her go anywhere without checking her room first. If she doesn't do what you ask, she doesn't get to go where she wants.
She won't like it. My daughter gave me much more a bad time than my son ever did. No chores....no go.

Best wishes.

Just refuse 2 do HER laundry. Let HER get used 2 living in her OWN private space w/ NO clean clothes. I was doing laundry (as a help to my Mom) @ 8 years old, and by age 10 or so, I was doing my OWN and keeping track of folding it, what's clean/dirty, etc. It was a HUGE help to my Mom by then, and I learned the value of helping out even by doing the linens (sheets/towels) and sometimes my parents' laundry, too.

Your daughter's 14, and as much as she's smart and strategic about pushing your buttons, she's still a child...a very grown child who's capable of contributing 2 your household (hello, show her HOW TO DO HER OWN LAUNDRY) 2 earn privileges (that's why I did MY OWN laundry, so I could earn privileges instead of just having them handed 2 me)....I have 2 of my OWN girls, and the older one (just 3 1/2 yrs old) wants 2 HELP me around the house!

Stand your ground w/ your daughter...if her friends have 2 wait 4 her downstairs 2 go out w/ her while SHE folds her clothes and does what she's told, then so be it. I'm sorry, but being asked 2 put clothes away is NOT that big of a deal, so why is she making it more difficult for HER AND YOU??!! Just let her know that she's not going ANYWHERE, not doing ANYTHING until her laundry is put away! Give her at least 30 minutes and TELL HER that you'll come into her room 2 inspect it! Even in the military, rooms/bunks are inspected, so she has it SO easy! Maybe even selectively make her realize that things R missing from her room 2 make her realize that if she does NOT respect house rules, she gets things (or privileges) taken away from her!

At least, keeping her laundry well maintained is the (seemingly) only uphill battle that U have w/ a 14-yr-old daughter right now!

Good luck, God bless...remember, NO FEAR!

For punishment, 1 week grounding from anything fun for not putting away her clothes when you expressly told her to. 2 weeks no automatic privilages (sp) for lying to you. (TV or computer only with permission, which much be earned with hard work and being nice while doing it).Lying is a separate offense, and a very serious one. It's not only wrong it's disrespectful to you, and you have earned better from her. It's also one of the most important lessons in life. Remind her that if she lies to you, she loses the trust she may really need one day.

I am of the school of thought that if you lie to me, you will steal from me. My daughter is well aware of how I feel, and she knows that punishment for lying, even minor lies, is severe. The lying DEFINITELY needs to be dealt with...I'm thinking that since she lied to you in order to go to a football game, then perhaps she should miss the next few, on top of whatever else you may feel appropriate.

As for the clothes issue, sit down with her and ask her why it is such a problem for her to just put them away. If she's going to the trouble to put them in a box and hide them from you, you might point out that it wouldn't be any more difficult to put them in a drawer, WITHOUT the whole "making mom mad" problem. Perhaps a compromise can be reached. Depending on how she feels about dirty clothes and such, you might also try just not doing her laundry and making her responsible for it, as several others have suggested. For my daughter, that wouldn't work...she couldn't care less if she had to wear wrinkled or dirty clothes. {She still has to do her laundry, but only because I make her, not because she cares!} Sounds like your daughter may feel differently, though. And speaking as someone who had to learn nearly every life skill for herself AFTER leaving the nest {laundry, dishes, mopping, you name it}, it's never a bad idea to start teaching those things while she still has the benefit of supervision/help!

I also agree with the mom that suggested the FlyLady.net site. FlyLady has changed MY way of thinking, and even my daughter likes the kid's challenges. Timers have been the answer to my own reluctance about housework...you can do ANYTHING for 15 minutes! You might just find something there you like for yourself!

To me, it sounds like she has too many privileges and not enough responsibility. But, of course, I only have the snipet of your post. At 14, she should be able to fully do the laundry, cook dinner, menu plan, grocery shop, basic household chores, etc. She should be a huge contributor in your home in these areas (not the only one working, but helping at your side). I would be inclined to remove anything out of her room that might cause her to stumble in the way she has. I would require her to clean her room completely and inspect it fully before allowing her to do anything else. This is because she has proven to be a liar. I would go a long time without letting her go somewhere without personally checking carefully that she obeyed your instruction. A simple check in her closet should have told you that she didn't obey your instruction to hang up her clothing. I guess I'm saying that she needs accountability from you. She'll do the least amount that she can get away with, and you need to treat her like this is her MO. Once she has established trust again, you can back off a little, but not until then.

I think that I would take the clothes that you found and put them in your room. Im assuming she has other clothes to where so just tell her that if she wants her new clothes (or any other clothes she neglects to hang) that she needs to follow the rules and do her chores. She needs to know that youre serious about taking her new clothes back. Another way to go about it is to sit in her room with her while she is hanging all the clothes before she can go out. If she doesnt want you "breathing down her neck" then she will know to do it before it gets to that point or she doesnt get to go out. As for the lying, I always taught the kids I babysit that lying causes more trouble and telling the truth (even if its bad) deserves less punishment. It takes a while to get through. Basically you want her to not want to lie again. Ground her for a week (or whatever you feel necessary), no going out with friends, coming right home after school, do homework and read (its a good habit starter), chores, no cell phone, no internet etc. Take things away for that week that she "cannot live without" and make sure that its clear that it was for lying, and just lying. At the end of the week she should be cooled down and you can sit down and talk with her about "I trust you, and you trust me, and you can tell me anything no matter how big or small and no matter how I will react". I hope this helps you :)

Teenagers, got to love them! Something similar happened with my girlfriend...she went thru and picked out 5 outfits for her daughter and made her wear just those 5 outfits for 3 weeks. she didn't tell her daughter where she had put her clothes and I don't think she told her how long her punishment was going to be for. She also took her phone away for the same period of time. Another punishment she endured was they took her door off her room. I don't think she has ever repeated any of her offenses.

Good luck,
DH

First of all I know exactly what you are going thru. My daughter would do the same thing, I got to where I did not do her laundry any more, so when she didn't have clothes it was her fault, whether dirty or stuffed some place else. Another thing is you can't take for granted that they are telling you the truth especially if they are wanting to go somewhere, they will do whatever it takes to get to go. I started going and checking for myself and if wasn't done then she got to stay and finish it. One thing you might do is take away her privilages of going to much, I know that is easier said than do as well, but sometimes we just have to put our foot down. Like I said I would make her do her own laundry and maybe add some extra such as towels, just so that she knows laundry is not such an easy job. You may have to stay on top of her for a while but eventually she will get it. Not only is it a punishment but its also a learning experience and taking responsibility for when she gets older and moves out. Hope this helped, good luck!

An appropriate punishment would be to take away her ballet privileges

Your problem made me smile not that I don't think it is of serious concern but a few months ago I told my three year old to put up her clothes. I started making her because she wanted to help and continued it because it wasn't more than she could handle. This particular day she didn't want too but I made her and when she came back from her room I asked her if she put them away and she said yes ... I found the clothes later that night in the bath tub :) So they don't change from three to fourteen!!!! Good to know!! I don't have any advice but keep your scene of humor they are only young once !!! Oh and wish me luck I guess I will have the same posting in about ten years :)

I have to laugh at this a little. Teenagers... got to love them!!! This is so typical for a 14 year old. HOWEVER, at 14, why are you still doing her laundry???? She should most definitely be doing her own. I was doing mine at 8! She is just a mere 4 years away from being out on her own, so it's past time to start teaching her how to be responsible for her stuff. The only way for her to learn responsibility is to give her some. If you are interested, the book Parenting with Love and Logic is a great read for teaching kids how to grow up to be responsible adults. I highly recommend it. Good luck to you!

I was doing my own laundry at the age of 9... putting it in the hamper, sorting, pre-treating stains, washing, drying or hanging to dry, hand washing delicates, putting them away and ironing, then putting dirty ones back in the hamper....

It sounds like it's time she learns that you are not the laundry fairy and she should work to maintain her clean and wrinkle free clothes, otherwise she'll be wearing dirty ones, and not going out/talking on the phone or texting/facebooking with friends when she lies about it.

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I agree with those who say to have her do her own laundry. Make sure you have a good training session (I was banned from the laundry as a teenager and had to learn in college because I broke my parents' washer at about that age). I don't think it has as much to do with respect for her clothes as it does with not understanding how much work you are doing for her and taking for granted what actually gets done around the house. Doing her own laundry might accomplish that.

As for the lying--feel free to treat that as a separate incident and punish accordingly.

It will be h*** o* both you and your daughter, but do not do any of her laundry, putting away, washing drying etc. leave it on the floor in chairs etc. when she needs something to wear and asks you about it ask her back, she will find out that she has to do something about it herself if she wants it. It may mean that she wears something to school for the second or third time before she washes it, Let the teachers know your plans so that she can't say that you are doing your part at the house. They will know ahead of time what is going on, her friends will see the room as she leave's it instead of how it looks after you have cleaned in there they may even comment to her about the room, if asked by her friends you can say that it is her job to clean her room and do her laundry, you can close the door. Good luck been there and many a time was that door closed by me.

Mom, I have a teen the same age and there is something they dont like about putting their own clothes away once they have been laundered. Not sure why this is, I don't remember doing this as a 14 yr old but I feel you pain. If your daughter has a cell phone I would take it away for a few days, since cell phones are one of the biggest privileges a young teen has. In the future I would not let her go anywhere until I chkd her room completely to be sure she had done what I had asked. Did you sit down with her and have a talk about why she lied? I'd do that 1st then let her know the consequences of lying are loss of her phone. She will rethink lying in the future I bet. Hope this helps.

I'm with the moms who say put her in charge of her own laundry and CLOSE THE DOOR. This isn't a battle worth fighting in my opinion. I have two daughters, and had the same battle with the older one. She now lives in her own condo, and actually does laundry and puts it away! I am amazed! My 12-year-old is now starting to pile clothes and not put them away. I just shut the door. She's a good kid and is involved in a lot of things and yes, it would be so easy to take five minutes to put the clothes away. But she lives in her room, it's her space and she can do what she wants with it -- within reason.

I look at it this way, I am NOT a perfect housekeeper. I have junk drawers, my closet is disorganized and sometimes there are things lying around that should be put away. And that's the whole house! She has her small room and she might have a junk drawer and messy closet and piles, but it's all right there so it jumps out at you more. I feel sorry for the moms/daughters on here who would take away their kids' clothes if they weren't where they were supposed to be. Heaven help me if somebody decided to do that to me! I'd be missing stuff all the time.

She's 14. Why can't she start washing her own laundry? Every time you find she has not put her clothes away, she does her own laundry for 2 weeks. It seems to me she'll appreciate what you do for her a lot more once you quit doing it. It could also be that she just has too much. Donate what doesn't fit. Make sure her closet/dresser drawers are not over flowing. It's a lot easier to organize a nearly empty room that one that has every corner filled up.

I think its time for her to do the laundry for a week or two, with your constant supervision and nagging and all...I bet after a week or two she will come to appreciate how nice it is to only have to hang up your clothes! For me that would take care of the refusing toi hang them up part...as far as the lying is concerned, I would add in an extra punishment just for that alone...but lying is the biggest sin in my house! Maybe its missing the next football game?

K, I just saw that you have a ton of responses. But I will say that my mom had me start doing my own laundry at 12. If I wanted clean clothes I washed them and if I wanted wrinkle free clothes I hung or ironed them. Maybe it is time to introduce her to the washer and dryer and teach her how to do it herself. At her age she will want nice clean clothes. This behavior is disrespectful because you have specifically asked her and she lied so I would say the privilege of having a nice mom who cleans and then organizes your laundry should go out the window. Good luck!!

IMO at 14 she needs to be doing the entire laundry process for herself so she'll see what it takes. It appears she's used to you doing most of it so probably figures why should she do anything.
My 10 y/o daughter washes, folds or hangs and puts away her own clothes and has been for over a year.
She also came home with a conduct mark from school already so she's not allowed to go outside after school for a week. This is because the end of last school year she repeatedly got in trouble for talking at inappropriate times. Not going outside to play with her friends seems to matter more to her than any other thing so that's what goes first.

I second that. INstead of a punishment just make her do her own laundry. Then she will be responsible if her clothes are not clean, not hung up or wrinkled. 14 is plenty old enough for that chore. I was 11 when I started doing mine and it was for similar reasons, my mom was sick of me putting clean clothes in the laundry that I wore for 5 seconds and decided I didn't like, on top of clothes all over my room that you couldn't tell what was clean.

I agree with some of the others to take away the clothes that are not put away. If/when she notices they're gone she has to do something above and beyond her chores to get them back...like clean something or help you make dinner, or whatever. I don't necessarily agree that she needs to do her own laundry at this point, although if that's what you choose, I don't really see anything wrong with it, but I'm a bit of a laundry control freak. Also, if she's done this before, you maybe need to check up on her after you ask her to do something. It sounds like you're taking her word for it and although that may have worked in the past, you may need to reevaluate.

If this were my house, she would be doing her own laundry. Then you need to take a step back and let her handle it. If she forgets to do her wash and has to wear dirty clothes, so be it! They get over it real fast when they know you are not there to do it for them (my sons all have gone through this. One time of having the knowledge that they had to wear a dirty uniform to school, cured them of any laundry issues). If she does not hang her stuff up and has to wear wrinkled clothes, so what.

From now on anything she shoves under her bed, take away. Eventually she will be running out of clothes to wear. And I would ground her for a week or so for lying AND not completing her chores. And set a timeframe for when/how she can get her clothes back. Anytime she does it again, make the time longer. She'll get it.

It sounds like she doesn't understand the work involved in doing laundry. Make her spend one of her Saturdays doing the laundry for the family, under your supervision. Now you know...she needs supervision and inspections before she gets can go do privileges. You are venturing into a whole new world at fourteen, pace yourself.

I am with you. It dosent matter if she has one set of clothes. If your rule is to put them up then that is what she needs to do. Lying is totally unacceptable. I would definatly ground for a couple of weeks for that or what ever you find approperiate for your family. I would start to let her wash her own clothes. Or towels to start off with. At that age my mom was super busy and if I wanted clean clothes I had to wash them myself. I would start to teach her life skills now. Perhaps taking out the trash, pulling weeds or other little chores around the house durring her punishment time will get her in gear. But ultimatly I would stay on top of her and stand at the door while she hangs it up. If she huffs and puffs I would tell her it is rediculous that at her age you have to watch her and let her know your dissapointed. Its really not a HUGE deal but lying is. Good luck momma. Stand your ground on the simple things and she will know you mean business.

With my daughters I try to link the behavior and consequence. Speak rudely and lose dessert (mouth), slam a door and it is removed from the hinges for a day (this sounds bizarre but is super easy to do and has tremendous impact), don't put away clothes and you can't wear them. Initially she may not care, but when she has 2 outfits she has to rotate for a week she'll be mortified! I have to say though that my daughters are younger and I'm not dealing with a teenager and I have no idea if this changes things dramatically or not.

There is a limit to how much discipline you can shove down that teenager's throat. If she is already in ballet and doing well, also still doing well at school, can't she have at least one space of peace. Is it so important that she put the clothes away. By the time my 3 girls were that age, I had given them the chore of cleaning their own clothes. They knew what was clean and what was dirty. And leave it up to her to fold, hang up, iron or shove that clothes. When everything she wants to wear is dirty or is crumpled up and wrinkled, she will get the idea. Instead of you trying to enforce what she doesn't want to do, leave it to her to get it done. Also, take the time to teach her what needs to be washed and how, so she can't blame you when everything turns out pink. And you need to let her clean her room so you can de stress on the vacuuming. As for the lie she told you, limit her time on the computer or whatever will hurt most. She should never lie to you. That is the thing she needs to know.

I didn't read the previous responses...

What ever she does not hang up, take away. When she has no clothes, she will wish she would have hung them up.

Just regarding the lying aspect: I would make certain that it is clear to her that she has destroyed your trust in her, and has shown you that she doesn't respect you or your household rules. So you must check up on everything she tells you now, and it will take some time for her to EARN back your trust.
And I agree she can take over her own laundry---OR---no one buys her any more clothes at all, and she can buy her own clothes with money she earns doing household chores. If she has to pay for the clothes, has to work for them, she may find that it is more important to her that they last a long time!

When you find clothes stuffed under the bed or desk, put them in a bag and put them away. She can then buy them back, with money or extra chores. Charge by the bag or by the item, a very small fee. A few times of having to buy her clothes back and she will learn to pick them up. I have done this with my children...it works like a charm.
Blessings,
D.

I would just add that as you approach this with her to stay very calm and balanced yourself. This can be quite disarming to kids (and adults) who are used to being 'yelled' at. (not meaning you are yelling!!) I found with my kids, now 22 and 24, that a simple statement like - here's the behavior (not putting your clothes away) and with that choice, which she is making, there is a consequence. It puts it back in her hands. Remind her she does have a choice and with that there is an outcome. Her choice, her consequence. If I choose to speed down the road, I'm likely to get a ticket as the consequence. That way you're not the bad guy. - Good luck.

Hi Lisa! It sounds like you have your hands full while at the same time trying to give her some independence! It doesn't matter how many clothes she has right now, as the problem is responsibility. Whether she's 5, 10, 15, etc. as parents we gradually expect our children to be more responsible and have more duties/chores.

Even though you are busy, take a few seconds BEFORE she does what she wants and "investigate" the scene. If she didn't do it, she doesn't go....or it takes longer for her to get there. Yes, she might be sneaky and find some new places. Let her know ahead of time that if she DOES try to be sneaky, she will have (name the punishment) to be expected.

Another thing I've tried is I don't wash the clothes (this includes my husband) that is inside out, one leg in/out, socks in a ball, etc. They stay put until they have decided to fix it or wash it themselves. My 7 year old is even learning how to do laundry. The only thing I can't do is criticize them when they don't do it exactly right....I can show them what to do next time with the hope they'll learn from it. Yes, they have run out of clothes and I smile to myself when they are complaining about not having anything to wear. I politely remind them that I used to complain too about certain laundry issues and it's their responsibility now.

I also noticed that your mom spent about $400 on clothing. We realize the value of money, but it doesn't sound like your daughter does. Try giving her HALF of that, and telling her she has to go and purchase whatever she is going to wear for the year. If she has any money left, THEN she can have it. (It's funny what they JUST HAVE TO HAVE when it's THEIR money, as it's not the same items as when it's our money.) LOL

Parenting never ends.....but if you give them the tools now to do things they WILL be better off than if you wait until the last minute.

Best wishes, as I KNOW it's not easy! Let me know how things go.

You've already got your answers here, but I wanna add my two sents. One cent: At 14, she should be doing her own laundry. Otherwise, there's no appreciation for what it takes to make them look nice. Cent two: Unfortunately, that's a 14 thing, not wanting to put away her clothes and lying about having done so. That's not an excuse, but it will do you or or your family no good for you to become so furious about it.

Make her responsible for her own clothes. She'll learn as time goes on and her priorities change that it's easier/better to take care of it on the front end than to undo wrinkles and mold, etc., on the back end. Do not buy her extra nice clothes until she shows that she will take care of them. Teach her how to wash and dry and fold for herself, and then let it go. If she is wearing the same thing over and over, fine. Do not let her leave the house smelling too bad or looking too dissheveled. She'll get tired of it after a while, or she won't. Either way, she has to learn to handle this, including consequences for keeping them neat in the first place and consequences for not keeping them neat.

Keep in mind that, although your way is the best way in your mind and any other way makes just NO SENSE AT ALL, it is still only one way to do it. Her way is another way, and she's got to figure out which way will stick with her. In the grand scheme of things, this is not priority. You can't force it, and it'll only make you crazy getting so worked up over it. Put it into her hands, and let it go.

Being the mom of three young men, I can feel your pain.
You mention that your daughter does not have a lot of clothes, but you also point out the fact that you do all the work and she gets to do whatever she wants.

First off, I applaud you for wanting what's best for your daughter, however, you are staging yourself for a lot of frustration.

When our boys were old enough to do specific things such as pick up their toys, or help fold towels we had them do those things. As they each turned 10 we started making them help with other chores.

By the time our boys became teenagers we had our terrible teen years. It was more than a challenge to get them to take the trash out or help in the kitchen let alone take care of their own clothes. We did however have house rules and we enforced them - and yes sometimes the "conversations" got loud. However, they always caved if they wanted to go out with friends or have friends over.

What the problem you're facing here is teen independence. And that's your solution. Since she doesn't want to "put away" her clothes then take them away. Sooner or later she'll want them - especially when all the clothes she does have are dirty. I made my boys do their own laundry and if they wanted me to do it for them, then they had to do something in exchange for me in advance.

Also, since she feels the need to hang out with her friends, if you ask her to do a chore - such as clean her room - then make sure it's done before she gets to leave. It's not much different than being in the work force. If she's got a job and she fails to perform it, then there are consequences. It's best for her to learn that lesson now rather than at 18 like so many others do.

Something else I learned - from my boys of whom are all different in personality - is that when I quit expecting perfection I got better results and a lot less stress... As a matter of fact my 18 yr old - who works 30+ hrs a week - just cleaned his room - It's been a while since he really cleaned it - funny thing is he asked me not to compliment him or he would think he's done and wouldn't finish it.....

Raising teenagers is a challenge, but sometimes we have to remember that we too were teenagers and thought our parents didn't know a thing....

Good Luck and I hope this helps
J.

I have thought long and hard about your problem. I simply would not wash her clothes. Tell her; its now your job to wash and dry, hang up and take care of your own clothes. She will have to find a time that does not interrupt you from doing the rest of the family's laundry or she will have to take her clothes to a laudromat and pay for it herself.

I also like Debbie A's suggestion. Hold her clothes hostage. She is trying to see who is in control. You need to reestablish your control. Good luck.

When I was that age, I couldn't be bothered to put away my clean clothes. As soon as my Mom saw my clothes on the floor, she NO LONGER WASHED MY LAUNDRY. She taught me how to do it and never washed another single load of mine again. Worked for me!

I feel you have received a lot of good responses - she is certainly old enough to do her own laundry and maintain her own room - but sometimes messies are overwhelmed with what they see and feel the simplest task will take hours to accomplish. A good way for her to learn to care for her own room is to let her try www.flylady.net - she is great about building daily habits in order to stay on top of these life skills that all of us need. She has a version for kids that your daughter may connect with.

hth,
A.

I know this is late but I wanted to share something that I didn't see in the several posts I read. It sounds like it might be hard for you to let her do her own laundry (and dust her own room). I was that way. I didn't think my kids would do the laundry right. But I realized that they needed to make their mistakes before they left for college or I wouldn't be there to help them through the challenges of fixing mistakes. If there was a valuable piece of clothing that was a favorite or was a team jersey, I told them to ask me to assist them so they would remember to do it right.

As other posters suggested, let her realize the consequences of shoving clothes under the bed. Do not iron or wash anything of hers anymore. Be sure to tell her that you are so glad she is growing up and gets to learn more responsibilities. Do not make it sound like a punishment. Be very matter-of-fact. Then you can avoid a lot of drama. Continue to say how nice it is that she is growing up. Be prepared for her to go somewhere with less than perfect looking clothes. It is not about how YOU feel - it is about her learning to take responsibility for herself. It may be embarrassing, but you are a grown-up. You can handle it.

As for the lying, you must take away privileges that you know are painful for her. I know that is hard to do sometimes but it is to keep her from lying in the future. Just keep telling yourself that you are saving yourself more pain in the future. And, you MUST go overboard now and verify everything is the truth. Call her friends to check up on her. Say, "Just checking" with a smile on your face. Go in her room to make sure everything is clean if she says it is. Ask to see the grade or the paper she received back from the teacher. Everything! Just tell her that she has lost your trust so you just need to double check. Keep the smile on your face as if this is normal parent behavior. Let her see how annoying it is for her when she loses someone's trust. Otherwise, it will just get easier and easier to lie to get out of doing things or keep from having to face consequences. Yes, it is normal 14-year-old behavior but it should not be overlooked and go unpunished. She will lose more respect for you if she knows she can get away with lies.

Good luck. It gets better as she grows older. I didn't think it would but I am pleasantly surprised. AND, my daughter agrees now about our strict upbringing.