Need Help Understanding My 17 Year Old

Hi Shirly,
I had a step daughter who did the same thing,
when she was at our house on weekends she would say to me, my mom says i dont have to do that and she also told the school i was a mean step mom. i was tring to bring her up as a lady, cross ur legs at a table, clear ur plate and wash it when u r done ect. the school called as well.
the school did councling with her. the school stopped calling and we started to get along. her mom didnt help at all and her mom would not let us be involved with any thing in her life.
but when she was at my house she acted like a lady and stopped being rude to us.
please talk to school about a councer for her or bring her to a family one ur self. it helped us hope it helps u.
i now have 2 teen boys of my own, my 16 yr old is great most times and my 19 yr old went thu a mouthy stage but is now grown out of it for the most part.
teens r harder then little ones for sure lol
best of luck
R.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi S., I am one of those moms that has had this same problem at one time or another. It sorta kinda ceased when our children got older. I have 3 kids 2 girls n 1 boy and my husband has 3 2 boys and 1 girl (the real brady bunch). I realized that all of our problems started when the kids noticied that my husband and I had didnt agree on certain things that any one of the kids was doing and the type of punishment dished out. We would voice our thoughts to each other out of ear shot of the kids (so we thought) but in actuality they were listening to us all along. Once my husband and I realized this we made it seem like regardless if we agreed or not we came off as if we both were on the same page. When children think that they are at a age that they can confront us I really don't think it matters if they are step children or our own. I forgot to say my children's ages are 24 and 18 X 2, and my husbands children's ages are 29, 20 and 18 so as you can see I have been there and done that. good luck w/the kidz.

Hi S.

Having gone thru this myself. My stepdaughter had her dad all to herself for many years. So for me to come along and be pregnant was a very big world change for me and her. We did alot of talking about her life, her goals, her boyfriend, her friends, College, what she wants to go after college and the relationship with her mom. Be careful with your words because girls can shut down in a heart beat. I learned the the hard way. It wasn't pretty. I always made sure she was in everything we did as a family. My husband and I were able to meet all her friends to see what she was like with her friends. But for me her mom was very open about her daughter coming to stay the weekends. I always made sure that she understood that I was friend but also an adult and you still have to repect this house. Though now she is older I've always told her that my house is always open to her and her mom. But I say talk while you a cooking just for conversation. NOTHING ELSE. I think once they see you want to talk is becuase you are in her business. So just bring up a conversastion and also talk about what you remember when you were her age. I did that alot with her. Now that I have a daughter I've thanked her for showing me how to be a mom for a daughter (I have 2 boys). I don't if it will get better but it can't get any worse. You'll see it will get better.... Good Luck

S. i personnally haven't had to deal with a step child but my husband did. we found that not pushing helped. we waited for my son to go to my husband. by this i mean if he asked if he could do something or go somewhere my hubby would say not up to me go ask your mom that got old after a while because i always said no where his step dad would have said yes. also try making time for just the two of you. find out what she likes and doesn't like and connect that way. it takes time,love and patience. i hope that this helps you. hang in there it does get better.

S.,
Remember being a 17 year old yourself. If you spend some one on one time with her and talk about things, she will most likely lighten up. A 17 year old girl will cry at the drop of a hat, act out, or generally be an emotional trouble making mess. It;s just the way things are.
Sending her to a counsellor may push her further away. Try just connecting to her woman to woman. You will probably find she loves you and is dealing with typical things a girl of her age has to handle.
Spend time, and don't push the conversation. Just let it come naturally.

Greetings S., before I tell you my OPINION, I will give some praise for being so real and concerned though she's not urs. You could tell her off and keep ti moving, it would not be hard to hurt her feelings she is only 17....hand clap for u!!! 17yrs of age is hard as u know in it self..for me it was cuz i was once in HER shoes. I thought that my mom loved her husband more than she loved me..I did not tell her I just Hated him...I did whatever I could to show it. If you or your husband is holding back disopline for her actions..wrong choice..but in the that she really needs to be in a sense ministered too. She needs the side her her that is wounded to be touched..like any wound it would hurt alot but healing would also begin. Her behavior is only express what she feels and can say into words...but simply ask her why she hates you..and remind her fo the love uv shown, take to dinner, a movie or if not, for a walk..u know her something that would interest her...a manicure ..pedicure..whatever. And break down how u feel too..she needs to know that u r not goin anywhere..so how can u guys make it work...this woudl take time but...iv been there and..though it was a journey...Iv gain alot through the way...thanks for reading...Again you may have tried this but I has to let u know...take care!!

p.s. My DAD and I get along great...hes one of my best friends!!!

Hi there. I an understand your situation however i'm not sure how to fix the problem. I have a 12 yr. old stepson and we have problems too. As much as you love them, it is so hard to try and parent them. I don't get much support from my husband when it comes to this. So, as i can't give you much advice, i can surely sympathize. Good luck.

First of all, let me commend you on accepting 4 children into your heart... especially since you didn't give birth to them.
Does the child (17 yr old) have any interaction with her mom? She could be trying to lash out because she misses her mom, maybe she's just testing the waters...(trying to see how far she can push you)...Do you discipline her at all? I would suggest a sit down with her, you and your husband... and set some limits... Tell her that if she continues to disobey & act up, then there will be consequences...Take it from there...
Good Luck...

I have a 16 yr old that recently decided she was smarter than me and moved out to go and live with dad. I understand what you are saying about the school. My daughter hated her stepfather and acused him of all sorts of things. We were turned in to social services 3 times by here either through the school or the final time by having her brother in NC call the police. By sticking together, my husband and I were cleared all 3 times. You need to make sure your husband and you stick together through it and by not aurguing with her you will make her understand she is not the center of attention. good luck

Hi S. P. I understand you strain i used to go through the same thing. The answer to you problem all depends on how you situation came about. It depends on how long you and your husband have been together. is there a mother that has been left. sometimes the children from different parent hold it against the new parents. If that is not the problem it could just be that she is a teenager in todays world in which case may mean that you were going to have a problem either way. You should realy speak to your husband and have him let her know that you deserve a certain amount of respect and that it can cause major problems if she keeps this up. I am sure that you have had some one on one time with her but may she is realy going through some things right now and you should reach out to her every day letting her know that even though you 2 have been going through some rough spots that you are there for her and that she can come to you and talk to you about anything.

At that age they are always going through alot and sometimes they need someone to talk to about personal situations and maybe she can not come talk to her father.

It is a typical phase all teenagers go through. Stick to your guns, keep faith, go to church, and pray until she grows out of it!