Need Help to Spice Things Up

I have a 3 yr old and two step-children ages 10 and 11...my step-son is 10 and he seems to do the same thing to my 3 yr old, or hes always pretending to step on her or something, i just have to constantly watch him when hes around her because i am afraid one day something might happen.

C.,
You have been getting some really good responses. I think communication plays a big role. You should try talking to your husband about how you feel. Us females tend to forget that men are simple human beings. They tent to unitentionally get selfish...from my experience anyway. Maybe he doesn't see you as baing insecure or maybe he does but doesn't realize how serious you are about it. I agree that you should set aside some time for yourself too. This will definately help you gain your self esteem again. I had major body issues too and as I have read from the other comments we all have. I talked to my husband about it and we agreed that once or twice a week in the evenings my husband could take care of the kids in a separate part of the house. That was "my" time to pamper myself. I would use that time to take a bath, give myself a mani or a pedi. It didn't matter, it was my time....over time I got my confidence back and regained my sexual desire because my husband allowing me to do so told me that he did care about my feelings plus this gave him one on one time with the kids. Also try going on walks in the morning before your husband goes to work. It is very refreshing. Good luck!

Talk to your husband about it. You shouldn't ever feel like you're "giving in" Unless you have something going on physiologically that may be affecting your libido (like medications or hormone imbalance), a disconnect in the bed room can be a sign of problems outside the bed room. Ask your self is it the way he's approaching your for sex? Are you guys stressed out about other issues? Are you doing all of the work around the house and with the kids and left with no energy for intimacy?
Also, don't under estimate the power of some personal pampering time. Especially if you have body image issues as you say you do, not feeling sexy on your own can affect your desire. Go for a spa day! Some spa's offer couples packages too. If you can't afford that, put the kids to bed and my your own spa at home. Feeling refreshed and relaxed can also make you feel sexy again. If you can connect and be intimate without sex, it might help physical intimacy.

Good luck! We've all been there so don't feel down about it.

I have three children within 4 years and have delt with my fair share of arguements between kids! I think first you need to get your son to understand that she is fragile and can be hurt. As far as the tantrums go, I have a son who threw them for years and one thing that he really responded to was me getting down on one knee and getting eye level with him and explaining exactly why he is in trouble and what his punishment is and sticking to it. The first time or twi he will not stay calm but after that he will!

My son was 2.5 when my daughter was born he did the same thing to her and well now they are 4 and 1 1/2 he still does it lol sibling rivalry early i dont know telling him no and punishing him made him do it more since it was his way of getting attention i just ignored him unless she was squealing in pain but usually he just did it to get a reaction out of me now she is starting to fight backa little. Basically what I had to do was put his needs 1st not say wait till I am done with the baby ect had to spend more one on one time with him the baby wa to young to know she wasnt getting equal time but it really helped it doesnt get better haha now they fight over cups and toys and juice boxes sigh...

I was there too! Boy I hated it. I didn't understand how some women can just nag about how much they love it or even worse need it. I read a lot and found out that 30's is the age where we would enjoy intamacy. Well I'm 33 and really do enjoy it now. I also went and got a breast aug. Let me tell you how much I love my boddy and am not ashamed to let my husband see me. I'm not saying to go out and spend money but see what you can do for yourself as far as improving your body and your self esteem will truely go up!! Good Luck

Your son is probably feeling a little jealous with a new bundle of joy added to the family. But what I have tried with my son was to make a daily set aside time, just for him and I to spend alone time doing something he enjoys. The older ones always need reassurance, that they are not second to the lil' ones. Good Luck!! :)

The first and most important step you need to take: Get out of the house with your husband, sans children! I have been married to an incredible man for thirteen and a half years, and I cannot remember the last time I wanted to be with him intimately. It's not really him, just circumstances. We have two kids ages 3 and 11, and finding time to connect with one another has been a challenge. I myself have those same body issues, trust me, a lot of us moms do! But if you and your husband can find things you like to do just the two of you, find a sitter and go do them! Don't feel guilty for nurturing your marriage, C.. You are not neglecting your kids by doing this. You are actually helping them in the long run, because if your marriage is strong and happy, they will be too! My husband and I go to the local club and play darts, or go out for a ride on his motorcycle, go to the drags at PIR...We find things to get excited about together! Try it, and let me know if it works out! Good luck to you.

YOu know if you have been married for 4 years then your husband already know what you look like and loves you for who you are. If you are not feeling like being intimate you might want to consult a doctor. Sometimes it can be a medical reason as to why you dont feel like being with him. One thing you can do for yourself is work on what it is that will help you feel better about yourself.

Hi C.,

My son was almost 5 years old when I had my 2nd child. Throughout my pregnancy I prepared him as much as I could by letting him have dolls, kissing my belly, taking him to my appointments, etc. And he did very well when we brought the baby home. However, my son did show animosity toward me. He loved his baby sister, but boy! Was he mad at mom! I think he felt betrayed. The best advice I can offer is this: However you ran your house before the baby came, continue it just the same. Your son needs to know that nothing has changed, and it is still life as he knows it. He needs consistency. And above all, try not to get irritated or impatient with him if he needs your reassurance 2 or 200 times per day. And if your daughter is already 2 months old, then you guys should be headed for smooth sailing very soon. The adjustment period for my son seemed to take about 2-3 months. Well, good luck.

K.

My daughter was a year and a week old when we brought her brother home. At the hospital she loved him wanted to hold him etc. When we brought him home she cried. We put him in his cradle and she cried if he moved or sqirmed. She hated him. She literally cried for five hours that night. We put him to the side and just spent as much time with her. She lost her mommy and daddy for two days and then this thing entered her life. She wasn't happy!!

I like what another poster wrote about ignoring it. My kids fight like crazy. and it is mostly by my older child she's jelous. We try to give her as much if not more attention. It's hard becuause our boy is the easy going lovable type. She is difficult and doesn't want to always cuddle. It is like juggling I guess.

I do know that if your breastfeeding he'll try to act up. that is when you put the baby down let her cry and go tend to him, otherwise he'll learn you won't always come and he'll act up even more.

Just give him as much alone time, attention as possible. Make things special just for him.

it's hard. it doesn't get easier. others are right on.. they just keep fighting!!

I've been watching the nanny shows.. my kids are getting better becuase they know we don't allow the mean behavior toward eachother.otherwise they'll find them selves in the naughty corner. We also have a star/sticker piece of poster board on the wall with their names on it. and they get stickers ; stars when they make good choices. or listen are helpful etc.

Hope this wasn't just a rant and it helped.

talk to him about how you feel, go on some adult only dates MEANING NO KIDS, go out and dance or watch a movie...spend time with him even if its not intimate... if your taking medication or birth contol talk to your doctor alot of those things can effect your sex drive. i know i was not into anything when i was on the shot the moment i stoped i felt better and slowly my sex drive came back, now i cant get enough lol.

I have 2 boys and it was very emotional for me to transition into having two children when my oldest was the center of my universe for almost 5 years. It is difficult to care for a new born baby while tending to the needs of your other child, I know. I have always tried really hard to make my older son feel just as special and important as his little brother. I phoned him from the hospital and spoke to him personally, telling him he should come right away because I missed him. Every day when he came home from kindergarten I would make sure I made time to ask him how his day was and tell him how much I missed him. At least once a month I schedule a whole day for me and him where my fiance watches the baby and my oldest and I do whatever he wants..I make sure he knows how special this is to me and how excited I am. I always remind him he is my big boy and that no one could replace the love I have for him. Those are things to think about for the future..you have a much younger son so I imagine it is even more difficult. The important thing is to praise him as as individual, to try to ignore his tantrums when possible. Although it is hard try to have time alone with him as well as time with him and the baby so he can get used to the changing dymanics of his family. His behavior is quite normal but unfortunatley for now, for the safety of your baby you will just need to keep a close watch since sometimes toddlers don't understand the damage they can quickly do. If I take my eye off of my baby for a second he will quickly mall my youngest neice! All I can say is it will get better..my son is such a big help now that he understands his role and the importance of being a big brother!

Spend as much alone time with just him as you can. Hug him and tell him how much you love him. It is such a normal transition that kids go through: having their thrown usurped. It's initially hard, but it gets easier all the time. Show him what he can do to help you and then overly appreciate his efforts and tell him what a good big brother he is.
I hope that helps a little. Good luck! I have three, and I'm telling you it does get easier. The third baby is the great equalizer!

C. -
my boys are 17 months apart and I was 21. I was advised to get a baby doll with those play baby bottles that when you tip them, it looks like they are empty. (I think one comes with pretend milk and one orange juice.) When I sat down to feed the baby, my oldest would climb on the couchand 'feed' his baby too. When I had to change a diaper, he would change his baby too (I went through a few more diapers this way, but helped to keep my sanity.) As we got into a routine, we switched to reading small books, playing games to copy words and sounds from the pictures or would watch a short show. I got a small diaper bag (Backpack) that he could carry with 'his' stuff in it. When I unloaded the dishwasher, he would unload the silver ware and if we baked in the kitchen, he would always lick the spoon. Keeping him busy with you while you are doing the things you need to do will not only entertain him, but make him think that he is helping and that you are spending time with him. You'll find you get more done around the house, less time chasing him and the relationship between you will grow. If he throws a fit when you ask for his help, don't talk baby talk back to him. Tell him you're lonely that he won't help and that you are sad, but only say it once. he is watching for you to react and if you simply keep going about your business, then it will begin to stop. Give it some time to see if it works. My sone carried around his 'baby' for 4 yrs and it went missing one day without a fuss from him. It saved my life. He's 9 now and doesn't remember the baby, but I just had my 3rd son and he is still a huge help and really enjoys being a big brother. Best of luck.

I don't think you can "make sure he stays calm"
It seems normally for him to act out because he's not the only baby in the house now. Try to ignore the tantrums as much as possible. Try to involve him in caring for the baby-ask him to bring a diaper. Call the baby "his" baby and give him some responsibilities like giving her toys or giving her a bottle.
Make sure you and/or you husband try to spend alone time with just him. Encourage him to talk about his feelings. Don't leave him alone with the baby. I have three kids and my oldest all went through a bit of jealousy. It won't last. Hang in there. I'm sure there are some good books out about sibling rivalry and bring home the second baby. Good luck.

hello,
Well, one thing you can do is remember the first time you feel in aw with your man. If there is a picture of your two in the begining and try to remember that first felling and why you made him the father of your baby. Also eat chocolate with him. If you dont feel good about yourself try dancing. But on fine music that automatically makes one feel spicy,,,,SALSA music is always a winner and dance! Do this yourself by the way. Privacy makes one feel more comfy and then you can go into a fantasy world by yourself while danceing. Then when you personally feel ready have your man join you or surprise him. Also try belly danceing!!!!!!! it;s sooo amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the key to belly dancen is haven that belly !!! This is key to the dance. Skinny doesnt look nor perform the art of belly dancein. Great luck!!!

I had one child (now 19) and then secondary infertility. Joyfully, we had 3 more kids, 15 months apart! I have pretty much been through it all. (At one point buying Tampax and Huggies at the same time, both for the kids:)
Your son is too young to be left unsupervised with your daughter and his behavior is completely normal and predictable. Make time for "just him" like when baby is napping and talk to him about his feelings, even if he can't respond well, he most likely understands far more than he can communicate.

i have a two and a half year old and just brought his little sister home seven weeks ago and i know the feeling all to well. he isnt a very good speaker himself, so i find him throwing bigger fits when he is trying to get his point across. my best advice is the baby is still to young to vide for your attention when he starts to loose it or you can tell he is getting upset, pop the baby in a bouncy chair or swing and get on the floor for some mommy big kid time. and if you notice him hurt baby, make sure you punish accordingly to how you would if he did it to anyone else, he may seek more personal time with you while learning to adjust to baby, but he needs in forcement in being a nice guy to his sister. just my advice from what ive come to notice with my two. he needs more mommy time but i lay brooklyn down on a mat next to us and it seems to work out best for all of us.