Need Advice About Intimacy Problems After Having Our First Child

Hormone balance might be off. Are you taking birth control shots or pills?
Are you getting enough help with the baby and around the house?
I don't think it is unusal for women to not desire sex so much after the birth of a baby or even while the children are toddlers. Sometimes all it takes is a bit of pampering from the husband, sometimes it takes a different dose of birth control pills to even out hormones.

Honey, go for a long walk, work up a sweat, have a light dinner, get baby to sleep, take a hot shower and JUST DO IT. The thing is, you don't have to wait for the desire to do it. Once you come out of the shower and get started, you'll see what I mean.

~G

Hi L.
The first year in any marriage is hard but then you add a child to the mix and things get even more diffuculit. This also happened to me with my first child. I was so wrapped in taking care of my new baby that I forgot why I loved my husband. We need to take a night for just the two of us for me to remember why I loved him and wanted to be intimate with him. If you are sleep deprived like most new moms are that also takes away from your sex drive. My advice is sleep when you can and find some time to date your husband again. Good Luck :)T.

First of all what you are feeling is very common, so don't feel too guilty. It's a hard time when your husband is feeling one way and you are feeling the complete opposite. Try to remember that his wanting sex isn't him being selfish. Men want sex for physical reasons, but also to feel intimate with their partner. I read somewhere that men need to have sex to feel loved and women need to feel loved to want to have sex.

Try to start off with little things like being more affectionate during the day. Appreciate that you'd rather have him desiring you than not. Are you feeling desirable? Are there some things that you could be doing to help yourself feel desirable? Exercising is not only physically good, but mentally as well. You can think of your body as something strong and able to do so much. Your body has gone through a lot to have a baby.

I'm rambling on. It's important for your marriage to work towards being intimate with your husband. Having just gotten married and then pregnant and new baby is a lot to go through in such a short period.

Don't be too h*** o* yourself, but know it's a cause worth effort.

Good luck!

this is very, very common!

you know, sometimes when you have gone so long without sex, the need will not be there. as rude and unfeminist as it may sound, making love with your husband would be the best thing to do in this situation. make sure he knows ahead of time that he should take it SLOW and give lots of attention beforehand. tell him theres nothing sexier than a man doing chores, and maybe he will do dinner and the dishes afterward to give you a chance to relax from all the pressures you have! you should probably plan to have a trusted person take the baby for a few hours so that you have uninterrupted time together. my husband and i had quite a few starts and stops cuz we didnt do that.

just take it easy, remember the lube cuz that will make it so much easier to relax knowing that discomfort will not be an issue. he could give you a massage, and just lavish you with attention...

however, it also happens sometimes that we moms are just 'touched out' after a full day of caring for baby and snuggling baby and we just dont really want to be touched. just try to relax, and let your instincts guide you. if you dont want your husband to do much massaging and stuff, tell him. if you want him to just get on with it, tell him.

good sex makes you want it more, so... you might just have to jump into it! but dont be afraid to say stop and try another time. probably the most important thing is to just make time for you and your husband. happy marriage = happy kids!

good luck!

Reading your request kind of late but just want to chime in because you are definitely not alone. I don't think we had sex for 4- 6 months and it was depressing because no one warned me that my libido would take a nose dive. Your hormones are going haywire and it affects your sex drive. When you are nursing your body assumes that you don't want to become pregnant so it shuts down your menstrual cycle- no periods, no need for procreation, no libido- natures way of giving you automatic birth control. Also, exhaustion, focusing on new baby...etc. You just have to go for it. Be warned- it can be extremely uncomfortable. Use LOTS of lube. But make sure you make your husband and your marriage a priority- those needs are just as important- if not more- than your child's needs. Good luck to you and enjoy this time with your family.

Dear L.,

I think many women feel this way, especially after just haveing a new baby. I know in our marriage, intimacy is a huge part of our relationship. It is hard when you just feel no desire to even go there. It sounds like you really enjoyed sex with your husband prior to having the baby, and that might me just what you need to remind yourself. I do know that at first, I felt no interest, but once I made the effort to just kiss and hold my husband... I then did want it to go further and really remembered how wonderful it was. Maybe you should start small, just holding each other... and see if it does make you want to go further. Just feeling him next to you, close to you, might be all you need.
J.

I think that all moms pretty much feel this way, at least the moms that I have talked with. Trust me it doesn't get better after each child you have. I've got three children under 5 years old, and I'm so tired that sex seems like a chore for me. But once we are intimate, I wonder why I don't have it more often with my husband. I have asked my doctor if my hormone levels are off or anything, and she said it's normal. I also wonder if I think of sex equalling getting pregnant, and we both are happy with our three children and feel our family is complete. Each time we've had unptotected sex we become pregnant, and I'm not a great pregnant person. It has to be mind set and the fact that you are tired and pulled all day to care for someone (baby) and then you need to care for someone else (hubby) when you are so tired and want time to be by yourself.

Hope that helps! L.

I too was like this, especially after our second one. I remember once talking to my doctor and she said "sometimes you just have to get back in the saddle". And as horrible as it sounded, she was right. Once I over came my lack of desire and let myself relax, I like some of the other moms posted on here, found I did enjoy it again.
Hang in there!

You're probably tired, have hormones that discourage sex at this time, and when you're child is older and you're thirty five, you might want to do it every day. Give your husband a little sympathy and expect the same from him later, if you know what I mean.

L.,
in my own experience and opinion, this is normal. libido in women is directly related to stress and physical well-being. In other words, your tired, your focused on being a new mom, and at the end of it all, right now, you have no desire to be intimate. It should get better. I too had a rather long drought after my first kid, I too had a super long labor and a complicated birth. All I can say is that we now have two kids, so hang in there!

Welcome to motherhood lol, your hormones shift from making babies to taking care of them. I still struggle with this & my kids are 4 & 2. I really don't have any advice I need some of my own. Just wanted to let you know it is a common struggle among mothers!
Brekka

L. , yes this is very normal, its ok, you will be fine later, its hard when you are a new mom, and you tend to the baby all day, being latched on to all the time, sometimes just getting hugs from your husband is unwanted, its wanted, its just we dont have the same feelings , you will eventually get them back, although you dont feel like having sex, maybe there is something you can do to help him to relieve himself together, ahh hem, (clears throat) not all the time, but be able to give him what he needs too is also part of being a wife, meanwhile, remember too a marriage based solely on sex ususally does not last long, and apparently yours does not , since youve gone 4 months, its ok, the other thing you can do is to make a date, go out, hire a babysitter or leave child with family for an hour or two, also the fear of getting pregnant is still in your mind, you are going through mommy phase its ok and you are perfectly normal, and yes our husbands get a bit offended, but ive been married now for 25 years, 3 children later, it only gets better when you put others first in your life, if you put your husband first, and he puts you first, it will help with this issue, think of the other person, even in bed, this greatly increases the desire, and other things, have a good day , D. s

This is a very important question and if you talked to your doctor about it I think he would have much better advice for you than I. I can tell you that I have had four children and only experienced this after the last one, he was the hardest pregnancy and birth, I truly did not want to be intimate because I did not want to get pregnant again, birth control did not make it any better as I got pregnant with my second child while I was on the pill, and bed-ridden with her for 7 months. I would try talking to your doctor first I have heard that this is completely normal and will fade but your doctor will have many great ideas to help you and information that will put your mind at ease. Good luck!

L., I had/am having the same problem. While I was pregnant, all I wanted was sex (hormones going wild). Its been 8 months since I gave birth and I'd still rather roll over and sleep than get it on. At first I thought it was because I was scared too, but thats come and gone. I think it has a little to do with the fact that your whole world has changed and it take a while to get use to it. I've just been married a year now. Thats a lot of stuff to happen in a small amount of time. Not to mention that your energy is now focused almost completely on another person now that isn't your husband. Personally, by the end of the day, the sex drives been sucked outta me. It really sucks because I do miss that intimacy. But I know it will come back eventually. I hope your husband is understanding.
Cheers,
C.

Hi L.! My heart goes out to you. My husband (of 3 1/2 yrs) and I have a 13 month old son. I, like you, had a long, rough labor, and although I got an episiotomy, tore and had a bunch of stitches. It took me about 3 1/2 months to completely heal, and once I had, I had no desire for sex! In my mind I knew I missed it, because I loved sharing that with my husband before the baby, but when it came time to be intimate, I couldn't have cared less. For me, what it came down to was this: I knew that I loved my husband, and I knew how important being sexually intimate was to him, so I started I had sex with him whether I felt like it or not. I guess I adopted the policy "fake it 'til you make it". At first it was painful, but over time it got better, and as the baby began to sleep for longer periods at night, my exhaustion level decreased and sex didn't seem like such a chore. About 7 or so months after having Caleb, I really started to enjoy sex again (and for awhile, I thought that would never happen!) My husband felt loved and therefore helped out more with the baby, the house etc. There are still nights when I'm too tired, but I really try to put my husband's needs above my own. I would rather him be looking to me to fufill him sexually than outside our marriage!

Anyways, that's my experience. I hope your husband will give you grace. Your hormones are still raging around, which can make already emotional creatures even more so! Don't expect things ever to go back to "normal", because they won't, but life can still great! I hope this helped a bit. Blessings to you and your family!

Hi L.,

I had the same thing. I didn't have any desire for about a year after my daughter was born, and only started to have it back (slowly) after I stopped breadfeeding. But to compensate for that, once I had it back, I got back more than I previously had. That year really hurt my marriage, thoug. Looking back now, I agree with some of the other advice that I would have made myself do it more, because I agree with the statement that the more you have sex the more you want to, and it improves your libido, and also makes you more happy and relaxed, and allows you to let go of little irritating things. Men don't go through the same thing, so they don't understand what you are going through.
Now my relationship is back on track, sex is great, it's like that year never happened.
Hope that helps.

I know how you feel. Each child I had was big, 9.4.9.14, and 10.5. I had gained 6o pounds with each child and over time lost it. When I had my kids I also had no desire for sex for a long time. I think part of it was I felt unattractive, part of it was I wasn't a sex symbol anymore (not like I ever was), but for petes sake I am a mom now. The child comes first. I remember once, just once, a guy yelling out the window saying "nice butt", and I was insulted. I was thinking I'm a mom now-do you mind???? Where does that frame of mind come from???? I think having a child is such an overwhelming thing and we feel as woman that having sex just isn't as important, it seems to go on the back burner for a while. Plus having a big child does hurt like hell doesn't it????? We remember the reason for it-do we really want to go through that again? he he...Just give yourself some time-trust me it will come back again-maybe not as strong as it once was. My kids are finally getting older and I am beginning to relax more and start to appreciate sex again. Could be I am hitting my mid life crisis though-does it ever end for us women?????

I can relate to that one. I have been married now for 12 years, we had our first child when we were 22 second when I was 25. Let's just say sex was far and few in between. It got very frustrating for my husband, but for some reason after our third when I was 32 years old, my sex drive was back in full force.
I think our hormones are so crazy after children. I hear this is very common.
I guess for us, time helped. I always felt like sex was another chore for me when the first two were born, now I look at it as time alone away from the kid's . It will get better.
Not sure if the size of your baby matters or not. All three of mine were large babies too.
Good luck,
K.

I know I am late to respond, but just wanted to check what birth control you are on if any. After having my baby they but me on low estergin birth control for beast feeding. Just recenctly at 8 months I switched back to my normal tri-cyclen and it has made a world of difference! I feel like my normal sexual self again. Also I worked hard and just lost all my baby fat which might of helped a little :)

M.

I could have written that exact thing.

It sounds like you are having some anxiety about sex, and that is something you need to accept and acknowledge before you can move on.

Making sure you have adequate alone time for foreplay and also for non-sexual intimacy is likely going to be the key for you. Even taking an hour to do a bubble bath alone and relax alone before you plan to have sex can help. Sometimes we watch a movie before we have sex, it helps me go from mommy-mode to relaxed woman-mode, a switch I have problems with.

I know, it's impossible to get enough alone time. We have Nana watch our son twice a week. It gives us two 1/2 days of time together. We spend one of them hanging out, and the other making love and then hanging out.

As for having no desire, for me it was a combination of new-parent anxiety, sleep-deprivation, anxiety about resuming our sex life, and hormones. Don't underestimate the hormones. It can take a LONG time to return to something approximating normal. With that combo of factors it took me about a year before I actually FELT like having sex.

I don't know if any of this is helpful for you,. but at least I can stay I've been there too. It gets better, but I've really had to work at it.

For me I get so tired of children climbing all over me all day long, I just don't want to climbing on me at night too. I do have to remember that I do enjoy it when we get going, just have to get to that point first.

As far as the uncomfortable part. I found that it helps to use KY especially at first.

Good Luck. Your not alone but you will need to be open with your husband.

Hey L.,
I am still going through this issue and my daughter is going to be 2 in August... but I had many issues both emotionally and medical that I have been dealing with which set the physical part of the relationship way back.

The first year after having my daughter was rough and I kept everything to myself. I had lost that connection with my husband... finally we started taking date nights to reconnect and remind each other why we love each other. We are rebuilding that bond/relationship but since it was 'forgotten' for almost 1 1/2 years it is taking time. Right now I am dealing with ovarian cysts now so sex can and usually is very painful for me so we have put a hold on that.

So my advise to you is to take time to yourselves, go on a date night and be very open about your worries/concerns. My husband said something that really made me feel better and more open with him; 'the main enjoyment I get from sex is that it makes you very happy so let me know if it hurts because you are my main concern.' At first you really have to 'work' at getting reconnected but after awhile it will be like second nature.

L.,

Your body went through some amazing changes during your pregnancy, you had a difficult delivery, and now you're taking care of this little person who needs you. It's exhausting! You are not alone in feeling not very interested in sex after having your baby. And it's hard because you still have a relationship with your husband to maintain.

My advice would be not to be too h*** o* yourself, but to try (as slowly as you need to go) to bring back intimacy with your hubby. Be honest with him: "I'm really tired so I might not be a super exciting partner for a while, but I care about us so I'm going to try."

Maybe try to do those things that put you in the mood--soft lights, a romantic movie, some massage, whatever works for you. Above all: keep your sense of humor. This *will* pass as your son starts sleeping through the night and you get more and more into your role as a mom.

Best of luck. This isn't easy, but many of us have been there.

C.

I had the same problem after the birth of my first daughter. I know my husband was hurt by this, especially since I had difficulty explaining why I felt the way I did. I was nursing my daughter, and I think I was in "mom mode", not "wife mode". I finally came around after about 7 months. Fortunately, my husband was patient with me. Becoming a mom is an awesome, but overwhelming experience. Sometimes it's hard to remember that our husbands need our attention too. But with good communication and patience between you and your spouse, you will get through this.

It takes time. Talk openly but CAREFULLY with your husband. Mine was very sensitive and took my feelings personally. Sometimes I would started even if I didn't feel motivated. The feelings came back and once we got into it.

Best of luck

I just want to let you know that you are not alone in that boat. With that said, this is some of things I have learned about intimatancy. We women tend to feel sexual thru touch. Now think about your day, you are nursing, which is using an area that is used quite a bit in sex, and you and your baby are consistantly touching each other. So your need for touch has been fulfilled. Also as a mom of a newborn, you are busy, especially if you have job outside the home, and the baby isnt sleeping thru the night yet. You are probably starting to feel like sex is a chore more then something a couple does to express thier love, "So many needs to fulfill thru out the day and now you want ME to fulfill yours too?" Its a tough one. With that, my advice is to not push things and make them feel worse, but try to find ways that will fulfill your hubby, yet will be fun for both of you, even if its not sex. I found that playing board games and making them into strip kinds, makes the whole foreplay that much more interesting, especially if you tell your hubby there is NO TOUCHING until the game is over. Buy HIM some sexy things to help you, I like silky boxers, or buy yourself something sexy, because sometimes as a mom, we forget that feeling sexy ourselves is a part of sex. Just remember, whatever you decide to do, relax about it. If it doesnt work, it doesnt work, but as long as you tried your best, your hubby will really appreciate you for caring enough to try. Good Luck!

L.,

You should talk to your doctor. With all the trauma and hormonal changes your body has gone through this sometimes happens. Your doctor can help.

S.

My hubby and I weren't intimate for 10 MONTHS after having our first baby! I don't even know why (neither one of us initiated it) we were probably too tired. But after that things definitely got back to normal. Just be patient!

L.,

Are you nursing? I find that nursing a newborn really lowers my libido. I would say that for me it was closer to 6-8 months after having each of my boys before I actually wanted to have sex. We did have sex a few times before that, and it wasn't as painful as I thought it would be, but it wasn't comfortable.

I am lucky my husband is very understanding, but it is hard for him to go so long. We talk about it a lot and that really helps. Now I am expecting #3, so we will go through it all over again... I joked that he only had about 3-4 months of normal married life before I got knocked up again... if you talk about it, it seems to make it better for us. We also find some ways to be intimate without actual sex the first few months. That helps him too.

Good luck.

J.
SAHM to Charlie (3-24-05) Joey (12-4-06) and #3 due 11-16-08

You are not alone! After our 1st son, my desire to be intimate decreased.....after our second son, it dropped off the face of the earth! It took a loooong time for me to get back in the groove. Over a year. What did actually help is letting my husband talk me into it. Even though I wasn't in the mood, by the time we got going I was! Just hang in there and tell hubby to be patient and understanding, it'll slowly build back up.

I haven't had time to read everyone's posts but I'll answer sorry if something has already been said.

If your breastfeeding your hormones will be off for awhile. So that's likely to be part of it. However I've found even with the decrease due to breastfeeding (I'm tandem breast feeding a 4.5 month old and 2 year old) other factors make me not want sex more then simply breastfeeding. Like if I'm exhusted, feeling taken advantage of (if my husband hasn't been pulling his wieght with child duties), if I haven't had a bath and I'm not feeling good about myself. Also if I go awhile without sex I don't want it so I have to make a conscience effort to initate (sp) sex with hubby and usually by the end of the session I've had a good time and it helps keep start the labido again.

What usually helps me is talking about it with him. Tell your husband what your feeling and meet in the middle with sex for a while.

Good luck

I felt similarly for a while after our child was born and was worried that we would never get back to where we were intimately. I also had an infection from tearing that took a while to fully heal, so some fear of pain was involved too. But it did all change gradually---stopping breastfeeding and using lubricants both were very helpful. Breastfeeding espeically caused hormonal changes in me that pretty much took all desire away.
It will come back to you eventually.
C.

I agree with Jessica. Nursing completely kills my sex drive. It does return to normal, but I've nursed each of my kids for over a year. Long time to wait. Thank goodness for my husband's patience and KY Jelly.

Being intimate with your husband is one of the many things we as wives need to remember that is not just for us. It is a really hard thing to do after having a baby. I too was nervous about the pain I might feel or the discomfort that it may cause and didn't want to deal with it. Take the risk, tell your husband about how you feel and that you love him and want to make love but need to really go slow to not cause any pain. The more open you are able to be the more respect that he will have for you. It's something that shouldn't be hard to discuss however it always is.
It may not even hurt at all... but you won't know unless you try. If you start and it doesn't feel right then tell him, he'll know from your reaction anyway!

My first question to you is are you breastfeeding? If you are, that really cuts down on any sexual desire. It took me months to get that desire back after having our daughter, probably 7-8 months. During that time I was being intimate with my husband as a desire to please him, not me. This is a very normal feeling after giving birth.

L., I felt the same way after having my first daughter. I was actually terrified because I too had a very long labor (pushed for 3 1/2 hrs+) and a painful recovery. Honestly, it just took practice to get back in the swing of things. I really had to work hard at relaxing and being in the moment. My husband was really patient with me and stopped whenever I needed to - so definitely have that conversation with your husband so he understands what you are going through. Maybe get a babysitter and go out for dinner with your husband, have a drink so you can loosen up! It will get better. I had my second child 4 months ago and after the 6 week check I was fine this time. I think a lot of it was in my head the first time around.

I would say that your difficult delivery has a lot to do with it. Not physically , but emotionally. Fear of pregnancy is likely to be the issue. If you are using a failsafe methoc of birth control, you may feel better. Do not ubelieve the old wives tale that you cannot get pregnant while nursing. It is totally false.

It's not uncommon for women for women to not want to have sex after birth. You may be healed physically but what about emotionally. Many things change after giving birth- you might be more tired or mentally exhausted. Maybe you don't feel good about how your body looks. It's hard to want sex when you don't feel sexy. Sometimes you have to make an effort to have time for your husband and you to be intimate, as hard as that sounds at times. It could be just laying and cuddling at first. Maybe a massage. Those things can lead to being more intimate with each other.

Hi L.,

What you are feeling is completely normal. I end up plugging this book a lot, but it is fantastic and will help you understand what is going on with you and will help your husband too. It is called "Babyproofing Your Marriage - How to Laugh More, Argue Less, and Communicate Better as Your Family Grows." The ladies who wrote this did so with a lot of humor to keep you laughing as you read. I consider it a must read just so you realize that you are not alone, and it has helpful advice for you as a couple to deal with the new feelings both of you are having. Try checking your local library for a copy.

Grace and peace be with you!

Ditto. I'm about 4 months out and desire just isn't there - at least not without some encouragement. Most of the time I'm just too emotionally and physically drained to even think about sex, and that's part of the problem for me. I find that as someone else mentioned "touch" is required for me to find that desire. Some of the desire has started coming back at odd moments, but most of the time I need to "get started" before my desire ramps up.

The good news is that desire has indeed ramped up every time, which of course is encouraging because I don't mind starting something even when I don't have desire because I'm pretty sure that will follow.

I don't know that this would work for you, but it's served me well in general over the past 13 years of marriage. Sometimes you just don't feel like it until you get started.

I've never been pregnant (both of our children were adopted) but I believe what you're experiencing is fairly normal. I'm sure the other moms who have experienced this will give you a lot of good advice. But in addition to that advice, I highly recommend that you schedule a physical right away, and be sure to have your testosterone levels checked. After years of struggling with this same issue, I finally had mine checked and it was very, very low. At the same time, my husband's level was just a few points away from the high end of normal. No wonder we weren't in sync!

Another product I can recommend is Zestra. It's sold in most drug stores, Target, Walgreens, etc. It's like a super-charged KY jelly that produces a warm, tingling sensation that helps kick-start the desire.

Hope this helps! God bless!

I have some of the same problems, want to see what others are telling you! =)

I went through the same thing... What helped me get back into the swing of things was to just MAKE myself do it. Even if you don't feel in the mood when you start, by the time you are done, you will be glad you did it. And it helps to get your libido going again. The more sex you have, the more you will want to have sex. I'm sure your husband is really ready to get back at it, and it will help to make you more intimate. I always find that after sex, I can let the little things go a lot more - like if he didn't pick up after himself or put his dish in the sink.

Overall, I just encourage you to give in to your husband the next time and you will feel better when you do.

after i had my twins i was like that for the first 3 months after they were born then i got it back. Do not worry you will get those feelings back remember one thing your body is going crzay get all those extra hormones out after the baby comes out i just hope you have a patient husband mine was upset at first then i told him what was going on and he was more understanding.

You're completely normal in this. I don't think there's a woman out there who wanted to have sex for some time after giving birth. I went through this really badly just after my daughter was born. The only thing that helped was making the effort to be intimate with my hubby, even when I wasn't in the mood. I did talk to my doctor about it and basically, her advice was, "the more women have sex, the more they want it....the less you have it, the less you want it". Just let your hubby know to go slowly and be patient with you to give you time to get into it.

1. I do believe the hormonal changes you go through with pregnancy, birth, nursing, etc., can actually cause this exact "lack of desire." It's probably not about you, your husband, or anything else; it's just something you have to get through.

2. This is also one symptom of depression, and you read like a prime candidate for PPD. Don't ignore the possibility, and seek help if you need it.

3. Yes, I've experienced it, and haven't beaten it yet. But I have found that my biggest turn-on is when my husband talks to me like the FRIEND he was before all this happened. Tell your husband there will likely be a big pay-off if he can bring you back in time in this actually very simple way.

Good luck, and be sure to pass along whatever works for you!

I went through something similar after our first child, I kept delaying having sex for the first time. I think for me it was because I just didn't feel sexy or like a sexual being. I was too focused on my new role as a mother, and had trouble combining that with my role as wife. My best advice is don't force it, but talk about your feelings with your husband. Figure out what turns you on (it may be different!) and hopefully your husband will help you with that. Take it one step at a time and relax about it. Actually, I should take my own advice - I'm going through the same thing again, having had my second child 3 months ago!

Hello L.,

I am a mother of three, although I did not experince what you did with our first son, I did after I gave birth to our twin boys. I did not have any desire to be with him sexually, At first I forced myself (for the sake of love and marriage) :) then I started to get the desire more and more after time. (it could take up to a year to feel normal again) I think you should prepare yourself for it Mentally. What I mean by that is, pick a date :)(don't tell him the date of course) you start by havng the baby down for the night, and then you mentally prepare yourself, think of all the reasons you love him, and decided to marry him, then think of the love for your son. Then when you are guys are in the bed together, you start off by telling him the feelings you have for him, and your family, you tell him everything that is in your heart and thoughts. Then after all the tears, you go in for the kiss... and the rest should come naturally. I know this a long response and I hope it helps and make sense :) Good Luck to you!!!

Just wanted to second the opinion of the person who said that if you're breastfeeding, it can decrease your libido. The hormones that produce the milk also decrease your sex drive. It's your body's way of making sure you don't have another baby while you're breastfeeding another.

I've been there. Hopefully your husband can be understanding and know that it's not him, it's just that you're not ready. Talk with him and be honest about how you're feeling. And keep in mind that compromise is many times the best policy in this department.

I can relate. My baby is just now 7 months, the 2nd one, and I am just now getting interested again. I think with me it's that I'm too exhausted to seriously entertain the thought. The interest is a bit touch and go :) It's taken me longer this time to start to get back into the swing of things than after our first baby. It is a little uncomfy at first, but after a couple times, you'll get stretched back out to where it's comfortable again.

I had the same problem. First, breastfeeding made everything really comfortable down there. It can dry you out. Then, having a baby constantly on you is draining. Add in lack of sleep. Baby weight. It's totally normal. I can happily report that after my first child was one our sex life was back to normal. There was a little sex in that first year, but not much. And definitely not until after 6 months. My husband was a little frustrated, but became understanding once I forwarded him some info. from the internet on how breastfeeding can make sex painful. Also, I think that the sex has actually improved since before baby. A nice bonus. Hang in there. Talk to your husband. You are totally normal. Giving birth and taking care of a newborn is a major undertaking.

Time and patience. Your baby is still pretty young and you're probably exhausted. This is all normal. Also, if you are breastfeeding it will completely change your hormone levels. How about talking to your husband about other ways you can help him sexually until you are ready for intercourse?

Are you nursing? Especially if you are but even if you're not, I've heard that postpartum hormones kinda do that to you--it's nature's way of making sure you care about that baby--and not go on to have another one too soon. I'd say my hormones took even longer to adjust (a lot...) but since I don't normally have a huge drive, it didn't surprise or disturb me much to find it diminishing--but it did come back, and, while not as often, things were even better. :) Also, sleep deprivation can wreak havoc on your libido, as well.

It was hard for me too after my first child. I had a body image problem, was tired to the bone and totally not interested. I made myself get interested for my husband. Do something that makes you feel good about yourself and get some lube. Intercourse does hurt a little as you will probably have some dryness issues due to hormones. Another reason you don't "feel like it"!! You are not alone in this. In a way I think it's mind over everything. And it seems you may need reassurance from your husband to take things slow. If you are nursing it may be harder to get some separate time but, if you can have your Mom, Mom-in-law, or sister take your son for the night so you can feel like your old self.

Fatigue and the new responsibilities of a baby can really put a damper on this, but you must remember that your husband has needs and that your first responsibility is always to him. He has patiently (impatiently?) waited through a time that was tough on everyone. Because you don't feel amorous doesn't mean you can't. Start by setting aside a little time to rest and prepare your head. For us, it's more in the head than physical at first, not like for our husbands. Eventually, you will get back to the "prebaby" days, but it might take some time. Just keep in mind that you were committed to your husband's well being before your child's and that the strength and health of your family is dependant on the health of your marriage.

SAHM of seven, married 26 1/2 years to a wonderful guy who puts up with a lot from me.