Need Help for an Unruly 5 Year Old

Try explaining some of the discipline methods discussed from other posters, to both mom and grandma. They both need to be on the same page, communicate well with each other, and stay very consistent with both children. If they are both caring for the kids yet the kids are getting different messages from one person than they are from the other this will result in chaos, it can cause confusion if the child is getting mixed messages or mixed rules, the child will respond better to one person vs the other, the child will play one caregiver against the other, and the two caring for the kids will most likely blame the other for anything that goes wrong.

The situation with them living with mom and grandma can be very stressful on everyone. The fact that dad is not around can be very difficult for the child and they can react in any number of very unsavory ways. The 5 year old will probably be affected worse by the situation because she is a little older and feels the negative affects a little more. They are probably in need of some counseling and parenting help to deal with their difficult situation, and to get help with proper communication and consistency. Starting up a set routine for each day that everyone must stick to would probably help also. The two caregivers should talk with each-other, come up with one set of rules, guidelines, and consequences for following and not following them that they all can live with, and let the children know the expectations and consequences. The mixed messages are going to need to stop, they will just continue the chaos and eventually it will get worse, everyone really needs to be consistent with both children, and not change messages rules or decisions. Setting up a good routine, and making rules and consequences that are followed consistently buy everyone can really help head off some of the problems occurring as long as they are done in a a way that really addresses the problems that are occurring, i.e. specific bedtime and potty rite before bed, no more potty afterward (if she says she's thirsty at bedtime maybe offering a small drink of water right before bed and no more afterward.) Setting these up consistently every night and when requested again calmly stating that you already had potty and drink time right before bed now it is bedtime, then leaving the room (yes she may throw a tantrum, so go into another room and do something else so it isn't so bothersome)after several days of this consistent message it should get much better. Children need boundaries, but they also need to know exactly what those boundaries are. If they are given the same message buy both caregivers every time they will know those boundaries.

2 moms found this helpful

Send her a copy of "1-2-3 Magic". It is a book on how to discipline without yelling and outbursts (from the parent)... It works.

2 moms found this helpful

I finally bought a "chore chart" for my two daughters, ages 8 1/2 and 6. Your great-granddaughter is old enough to be responsible for her things (picking up her toys, putting her dirty clothes in hamper, putting her shoes away). Start with rewarding her for being responsible. Her "reward" can be as simple as getting a special sticker, a homemade milkshake, or have mom create a "goody bag" for which she could pick something out of the bag for a job well done at the end of the week. While chore chart rewards them for a job well done, she needs consequences too. I have a small dry erase board on my refrigerator and I use tally marks for my daughers bad behavior. 5 tally marks = 1 deduction and these deductions get subtracted from my daughters points earned from doing their chores. Perhaps instead of the mom subtracting points from her chores (as she is 5 after all and her chores will be somewhat limited due to her age) she could take TV away from her. No TV for a day, or two, or more if that is what it takes. If dessert is a regular occurence, then take dessert away. Bad behavior = no treat. The point is to teach the child that there will always be consequences for unacceptable behavior.

As for the bed time routine, mom needs to be firm about going potty BEFORE bedtime. Once the child is tucked into bed, lights out and close the door. IF she comes out, mom needs to immediately take her back to bed telling her firmly, "it's bed time you stay in bed...goodnight." If she complains, cries, or screams that she has to get a drink or is hungry or needs to go potty, mom needs to be firm. Take her back to bed but say nothing to the child. Speaking to her after she's been taken back once only gives her attention that she is looking for. Therefore it's important that mom not speak to her child however many times she gets up. Oh, the child will fight mom on this and will probably get up several times more. Eventually the child will grow weary of this game that seems to be losing with her mother...and will go to sleep. I cannot emphasize enough how very important it is to be persistent and consistent with a child like this. I have a strong willed child of my own. It's taken many trials and errors and I'm still learning. I've watched Supernanny and have been able to utilize many of the techniques in my own household. Once you start a technique, it's important to follow through with it and not give up. Some children take time "adjusting" to the new ways.

You also need to understand that children behave this way for many reasons. Attention is a big factor. If mom pays attention to the bad behavior then the child has the impression that it's working. Mom must remain calm once the bed behavior begins and speak with authority that this behavior is unacceptable. I also use the naughty spot/chair technique. The child gets a warning that her behavior is unacceptable. Let's say she hits her brother. She is told that hitting is wrong and that there is no hitting. She is told that if she hits her brother again, she will sit in the naughty spot or chair (wherever mom designates the naughty spot and it must always be the same place). Once she hits her brother again, she must be taken to the naughty spot and she is told why she is put there. "I'm putting you in the naughty spot because you hit your brother." She then sits there for a minute for however many years old she is. Hence, 5 minutes since she is 5 years old. Once the time is up, mom goes to her daughter and explains that hitting her brother was wrong and she must not do it again or she'll spend time in the naughty spot. She may protest this new technique and poor mom may have to put her daughter back several times. Every time she gets up the time starts over.

Good luck...watch Supernanny. I think she comes on at 9 P.M. now on Friday.

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HI J.
Sorry to hear of your frustration. But to be honest, the tried and true method of discipline is always the answer. OUr kids feed off our OUR behavior and discipline or should I say "lack thereof"! This little girl knows exactly what mommy will or will not tolerate and she yokes it for all its worth. I have five kids and my life is blessed.....truly blessed........because they all know how to act....what is acceptable behaviour and what is not! I am trainig a two year old now.....and its not too fun for her because mommy has her on a very tight rope! If mommy allows ugly/rude/undisciplined behaviour....mommy gets it! God created our butt to be cushiony for several reasons and while we are tots...its to apply pressure and consequences for our behaviour! That little girl would have a room stripped down to nothing but a bed and blanket, no toys and no life....until she GOT it..if that is what it takes! But usally, its only 2 weeks of total training that gets them in line! THey respond to discipline if its applied properly, with love and consistent! I promise you that....four down and one to go!
Hope that helps!

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my 5 year old does
http://www.accountablekids.com/

there's a dvd & a book that comes with it..not too hard if you start slow...

also: get family counseling...also talk to her school teacher and guidance counselor together...make a unified plan...

1 mom found this helpful

J.,

I am having the same issues with my 5 year old son, he was diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago. He is in kindergarten and his teacher is constantly having to have him removed. I just met with the school counselor today and she is going to help me with behavior modification. I am also get him re-evaluated because I moved to a new city and want another opinion and also some guidance.

My advise to your friend is to get some advise from her daughter's pediatrician, they may want to have her evaluated for a behavior problem. She needs to get his under control before school because believe it only gets harder, teachers do not want this borden and you don't want you child in a special class. I'm struggling to make sure my son does not get put in a special class, he's very smart.

1 mom found this helpful

Hello J.!
Sometimes Children seemed to get confused within different ways of enviroments. I had a sister in law that was taking care of her brother's daughter, and she was the same.
Maybe if all of you met to be able to discuss how each one of you disipline your great grandaughter. Using the same key phrase also helps too. Studies show that a child needs to be told something 50 times before they understand!
We use terms like good choices and bad choices. When our kids get out of line we ask them if they think that was a good choice or bad choice. Using the same disipline like sending her to her room or a quiet place and ask her to think about what she did. Then when she can come out, ask her if she knows why she had to go to her room.
My almost 6 yr old daughter has the same actions at times. When she is "still hungry", I ask her to drink a glass of milk, or make her drink a whole glass a water. Now she knows to ask for that.
Power struggles are not fun. I usually say to her that she is not the boss and that I am the boss. My son is the one that throws the fits now. I let it go and ignore it and send him to his room. Usually too, when they start to act that way, is because they are starting to come down with the flu or something. Good luck and try to take a Calgon moment when you can! :)

I just bought a book called "the kazdin method for parenting the defiant child"
by alan e kazdin.
I bought this as my almost 3 year old is beginning to show this type of behavior.
I just got it and have not read it yet, but have heard wonderful things about it.

I got through amazon.com.

maybe check it out..........

good luck and let me know if you find any other helpful insights.

peace to you and your family

Dear Great Grandma,

I know this is so hard to see your granddaughter and great grand daughter go through this. I am reading a great book right now called "Parenting is Heart Work". I am learning so much from this book about the heart of children and how to respond to their hearts. It is so hard today with so many parents separating and children who don't know what to do with their emotions. I really believe from your request that this child has a lots of emotions bottled up inside her and doesn't know what to do with them. At 5 years of age, she has no understanding at all why her mommy and daddy don't live together and why she doesn't have a daddy around every day like maybe some of her friends do. It is very confusing for a child and their emotions can range from anger, sadness, withdrawal, and even depression. I really recommend that the mom try to find out what is going on inside her little heart and even take her to some good counseling for her emotions. If you are interested in the book, you can order it at www.biblicalparenting.org They also have a lot of other very good books to choose from about parenting. They even have one on single parenting. I hope this helps, I really feel for single moms and the hardship they have in raising little ones and having to work at the same time.

God bless you,
T.