3 Year Old Daughters Tantrums Are Out of Control- I Don't Know What Else to Do!

Try looking for books by Dr. Becky Bailey. She has books for adults and even story books written for children that teach kids how to deal with angry feelings, etc.

My son, when he was 3, had some of the same issues. It seemed like when he got mad about something, even the tiniest thing, it would just spiral out of control. One thing Dr. Bailey teaches is to give the kids a safe place to go to regain control. She talks about taking big deep breaths like filling up a balloon and blowing them out slowly.

Good Luck,

M.

I usually do 1 of 2 things

1 - like the Happiest Toddler on the Block - I throw a tantrum. Stomp my feet on the floor - say I. am. mad. I want to go to the zoo mad mad mad mad!!! Sometimes they think it's so weird that it snaps them out of it.

2 - get down in their face and hold them looking at me. I say You are mad - you need do calm down - this is not ok - I will talk with you once you stop yelling. Then I ignore till they are done. Once done, I give lots of positive attention and talk about what they were mad about.

Have you tried doing things differently so that she feels that you understand her frustration or to prevent the frustration in the first place? For example; Instead of saying no you can't have a piece of candy say you can have a piece of candy after lunch. I know you really, really want that candy. You can have it after lunch.

Instead of saying no, you can't go to the zoo say, it would be so fun to go to the zoo. I want to go to the zoo too. We'll go another time. And then perhaps swing your arm as if it's an elephant's trunk and squeal before saying we have our own zoo here.

By doing this you're acknowledging her feelings and distracting her into thinking of something else.

It's so normal for a 3 yo to have tantrums especially when parents haven't figured out how to manage them up to then. I sounds like you haven't tried just ignoring the tantrum She is only 3 and is expressing her frustration/anger the only way she knows how to do so. When she starts to yell, hit, etc. walk away (she won't be close enough to kick your feet) or take her to her room and leave. Give her time to get control of herself.

When she come out of her room, calmly put her back into her room. Do not shut the door. Her emotions feel out of control for her too and shutting her in by herself is really scary and adds to her emotions.

Spraying her with water is so disrespectful. How would you react if someone sprayed you? Taking away things does not teach her how to manage her feelings. Doing so only makes her more angry. And you're right. Spanking only makes her more angry and is teaching her that hitting is a way to express that anger.

One of the reasons you're having so much difficulty is because you're not feeling in control. Repeat over and over to yourself that you are a strong woman and can handle this little child who is still so new to the world and needs to learn how to manage her feelings. By saying this you will eventually feel this way.

I suggest that you teach her to see her room as a safe place to be. Fix up a cozy place for her to sit, listen to music, watch a cartoon, look at books, etc. and have her spend time there when all is going well. Spend some time with her having a good time so that she sees the space as a safe space. Never yell at her or express anger to her while she's in that space.

I recommend that you talk with her about how going to her room is a way to start over with good behavior. Make going to her room something that she does when she first starts to act out or when she misbehaves. Send her there, while you're calm in in control. At first you'll have to take her there.

My daughter's children now put themselves in their room when they need to calm down. It's taken a few years for them to mature and be able to recognize when they need to go there but teaching them was well worth it.

Please find a parenting book with which you can agree and read it. Dr. Sears has many good suggestions. You can google him to get ideas. Super Nanny is helpful. Love and Logic and 1-2-3 Magic are very helpful.

I believe that when you change your focus in the direction of understanding how your daughter is feeling and why she is frustrated and develop ways to give her choices you will see the tantrums decrease. She is in the midst of a very important developmental task; that of knowing that she's separate from you, finding ways of expressing herself and needing some independence.

ETA...after reading the above post, I also suggest spending good, quality time with her. Pay attention to her GOOD behavior. Positive reinforcement goes a long way!

Original:
Get Love & Logic for the Early Childhood Years (0-6 yo).

By engaging her AT ALL during these fits - holding, talking, comforting, spanking, etc - you are reinforcing it. She wants your attention and she is getting it! If she holds your legs while you ignore her, walk away. If she ruins things in here room while there to calm down, take those things out of her room. No, it will not be easy, necessarily...but will anything at this point? She needs to unlearn this behavior...it will take a little bit of work to get thru this.

Seriouy, check out the book....totally worth it.

I think your daughter is in need of discipline but I see you are leaving your husband in other posts and that he's not living there now. I wonder if you are in school and busy and she is trying to get your attention and it sounds like she is very angry at you..period. I doubt it has anything to do with the zoo or candy. Maybe it does but I just think you need to spend time with her, talk to and with her and then tell her the rules are going to change. If she behaves this way then she will be sent to her room and disciplined, or a swat. I would be interested in seeing how she reacts to your spending time talking and playing more with her. Her behavior is very bad though and it will take consistency to stop it. Instead of taking so much away try giving her more of your time. Let us know how it goes though.

I agree with Lizard (below)...she won't get satisfaction from a tantrum if there is no one there to witness it. Also, if you are a reader (or buy the dvd) try Dr. Harvey Karp's "The Happiest Toddler on the Block: How to Eliminate Tantrums and Raise a Patient, Respectful, and Cooperative One- to Four-Year-Old". Basically it shows how to acknowledge their feelings by mimicking their behavior, then once you have her attention explain very succinctly why. For example, you would yell YOU WANT TO GO TO THE ZOO, IT MAKES YOU VERY MAD THAT WE CANNOT GO TO THE ZOO. And once you have her attention, in a calmer voice you would say, I know you feel very angry because you want to goto the zoo, but it's just too far away, but you can play with your toys, etc. The book explains it better, lol, but that's the gist of it.

I absolutely agree with Marda P!

It seems like your child is trying to get positive attention. Instead you give her isolation or negative attention. If she punches, kicks, and slaps you - she has an idea that it is acceptable to violate the body boundaries and disrespect another person. Isolating her is not a good idea either - she gets scared (alone and having those powerful feelings) and you are not teaching her how to positively deal with her anger or frustration.

I assume she goes to some sort of school or day care during the day and by the evening she is tired, hungry and missed you a lot even if she is not expressing it. It may be helpful to reconnect and to get clother after you pick her up. When my son (5 y/o) is coming edgy and demanding from school we play punch the pillow game, or how many times I can kiss him in one minute, or the roller coaster (when I swing him on my legs), another one we can do is punch the pillow game (he gets to punch the big pillow I am holding and after he is a bit calmer I try to tell him in a squeaky voice to have mercy on the poor pillow). The goal of your games is to get clother, to get them laughing, to get them forget their daily frustrations, and to transition to a meal, evening together, homework, whatever.

Another thing that works for me is to acknowledge the feeling as much as I can. "I know you want the candy, I can really hear that you are angry. Let's make a deal, you eat your dinner well and then you get your candy. No, I am sorry I cannot give it to you now because candies before dinner is like a poison - you can get sick." About the ZOO "Oh, I know, I wish we can go to the zoo now, it would be so much fun, we get there and we see all the animals, who do you want to see most? Why? Who else?" Keep talking to her until she shares all her imaginative actions at the zoo with you, then say " Oh it would be nice, but it is along drive and the animals will fall asleep and we will nor be able to get in, you do not want to wake them up, do you? I think your idea about zoo is great how about we go there this Saturday? Do you want to see on the calendar when we will go? Here is today, and here is Saturday, lets count how many days we have left to go to the zoo!"
If you cannot think quickly how to respond right away, try to do couple of things: Validate the feeling (let her verbally know you understand how she feels), include more play and distractions (at this age it is magical), like if she is still upset about the zoo you can tell he "You know what, I am going to build a zoo now in your room, do you want to do it with me? (you can put some toy animals into some partitioned sections) if she refuses - just pretend you are excited and go on to build the zoo, chances are she will join you and by playing with her you will deescalate the whole thing.
You have to try many things and the kids change, what works today may not work tomorrow, but at this age you are still that one person they love, want to be with, and depend on to guide them. Show her you are there, present, consearned, love her a lot, but not shaken, mad, or powerless (loosing your temper and become physical).

I recommend Jim Fay's Parenting with Love and Logic. He gives many strategies to help build your relationship based upon empathy and responsibility. Many of us have been in the position you have been in. You have to get to her before she reaches this point of shutting down. Giving choices is a big part of Jim Fay's strategies. Allowing her to make small decisions for herself helps her feel some control over her own life. Even choices that seem ordinary can have a great impact. For example, start as soon as she gets up in the morning-would you like to get dressed or brush your teeth first? Would you like to have oatmeal or cold cereal for breakfast? Would you like to ride your bike or play in the back yard? etc. Giving her two choices (both choices have to be ok with you first) helps keep her in the thinking state to be responsible for her own actions. Jim Fay likens giving choices to making deposits into her account. Sometimes you will find you can't give a choice and have to make the decision (i.e. you have to run an errand and don't have time to go to the zoo). At this time you say, I let you make a lot of your own decisions, but this time I am making the decision. Kids, no matter their age will respond positively to this because they see it is fair. When you give choices, and allow them to make decisions on their own that are safe and appropriate, kids are ok with giving up some control because they learn to trust that you will give it back to them when you can. It is truly a great strategy. Many times it just completely solves issues of conflict altogether. Your stress level goes away and so does the child, so when a conflict does arise it is easier to talk about and stay in the thinking state (not the emotional state=tantrums) to solve the problem.
Go to www.loveandlogic.com for more information. Jim Fay provides parenting and teaching workshops that are wonderful. He is a fabulous speaker too. I used to teach in Independence and used these strategies as a teacher and now as a parent. Good luck! It is frustrating to see our children be at odds with us, but there are tools out there to help. You just have to find what works for you. Love and Logic is the tool I use most to create healthy relationships with students and my own kids.
HTH,
A.

I hold my son's door shut until he has calmed down. He will bang the door, and I will gently remind him that once he has calmed down and found his normal voice I would be happy to hug him. I had a hard time getting dinner on the table the other night, but I've only ever had to do this with him a few times.

My daughter was a nightmare (still is), but with my son I've learned a few things. I rarely say No. Instead, I say, "What a bummer, we only have candy after lunch, you are going to have to wait till tomorrow. How about some yummy pear sticks instead?" "What a bummer, it's too cold to go to the Zoo today, but I promise we will go as soon as the weather improves." If he says "no, I want to go NOW." I say "that isnt' how we talk to mommy. I know you are upset, I'm sorry. I wish we could go the Zoo right now. Wanna cookie?" (I distract with something else he loves).

Please stop being so disrespectful to your child (spraying her with water). The more respectful you treat her, the more respectful she will treat you. When she starts hitting at you, etc. you just quickly put her in her room and hold the door shut until she calms down. Don't even try to calm her down at this point. If in public, then you will need to do a backward hold (grabbing her arms so she can't hit you), and just sit with her until she calms down. I had to do this with my son last week, and within 5 minutes he had turned himself around and was cuddling me.

The key is to remain calm yourself. Set firm limits: no hitting, no yelling at mommy, etc. Remind that you need a normal voice, and leave the room.

I also find telling my son that his tantrum isn't good enough or that he could do better at yelling to be a wonderful way for him to stop, think and calm down. Reverse psychology is your friend with this age. They are in oppositional mode, so be oppositional. My son wouldn't come to the dinning room table the other night, so I just said, "oh goodie, more chicken and pasta for me! You stay right where you are, don't you dare come to dinner!" And he immediately jumped up and came running --this was after 3 other people tried to get him to the table.

This is a hard age. We all have days when we feel like utter failures. I just take a deep breath and try harder the next day to prevent and distract tantrums. And I do sometimes go off to my room for a good cry! I figure that's better than getting upset and yelling.

If you are in the process of leaving your spouse, then I think it's acting up in part because of changing dynamics. She feels the stress. She doesn't have the words for it. I would remind her to use her words, put a baby lock on her door if you need to put her in there to calm down, and when she is calm try to talk to her about things like the zoo, or candy or Daddy leaving. I would try to give her some focused time in between her tantrums. If she is receptive, give her a hug. If she is not, tell her that a hug is waiting when she is done.

My DD thought I didn't love her when I was upset with her, so reassure her that you love her. Sounds like you both need it.

It's really hard, isn't it? It's hard enough having a 3 year old. I can't even imagine doing it alone. My husband and I say this to each other every once in awhile. I'm so sorry you are dealing with so much. I hope you have some support.

Love her. Give her lots and lots of positive attention. With everything going on, she needs to know that Mommy loves her. I'm not saying you're not doing that already (no guilt trips here, I promise). Just reminding you that that can help so much more than we realize. Extra "I love you's," extra hugs and kisses, lost of "I'm proud of you!" These things go a long way.

Do your best to just completely ignore the tantrums. No trying to calm her down, no punishments, now reaction from you at all. If you say no to something and she starts to get up set, tell her that you're sorry she is disappointed but this is the way it has to be, and then drop it.

It won't be easy the first couple of times because she is used to getting a reaction from you. When she doesn't get the reaction she is used to getting, she will kick it up a notch. So the first few times will probably be the worst they've ever been. But if you are consistent (again, the really will be hard at first), she will accept it and realize that it's not going to get her the attention she's used to getting. She will learn that this is not the way to get Mommy's attention, and you really will begin to see more of you sweet little girl.

you are giving way to much attention to these tantrums. you need to buy the book 1,2,3 magic. read it and start doing it now. when she is having the fits say thats one, thats 2 and on 3 she gets picked up and carried to her room where you put her and leave her to scream. if she comes out put her back. don't waste the time you have, cuddling, spraying, smacking etc. it is just feeding into her belief that if she keeps screaming you will keep reacting (which you are lol) put her in the room and let her scream. say calmly you can come out when your done yelling. and walk away.

This sounds exactly like my grandson. He is on Ritalin and Depacote now and is a different child. He still has tantrums, don't get me wrong, life is STILL an adventure with lots of broken stuff, but he's much better and hasn't gotten kicked out of school once this year.

I found many things would work for a very short time then they didn't work anymore. The most effective thing I ever did was take the Love and Logic Parenting classes through our local mental health department.

I learned that each time "I" gave in I was helping him to find my weak spots and then use them against me.

If he is throwing a temper tantrum he goes in my lap facing away from me, I put him on my left knee and use my left hand to go under his left side to hold his right hand. Basically it traps him to my lap. Then I use my right hand to protect my face from a backwards head butt. He knocked out my front teeth once upon a time. So when he is screaming and fighting me I am in control of his body. I am watchful of his head but I am talking quietly to him in his left ear, rubbing his back with my right hand, keeping it high enough to sweep up between his skull and my face if needed, then I am helping him to do relaxation techniques. I say things like "Take a deep breath and blow it out", "Make your shoulders go down and relax", "breath in and out".

Asking him to do anything because "You need" them to do it gives the power back. Saying "I need you to use an indoor voice" is basically saying "Your loud voice is bothering me, if you want to make me mad so I'll act like you then keep using that loud voice but make it louder, the louder you go the quicker I will start acting like you".

You may need to take him for a mental health eval and have some testing done. He may need some therapy so you can find what is going on. He may also be dealing with something you don't know about. There isn't much out there at this age that isn't caused by either a biological issue or a physical one.

Stay strong. I went through same thing with my two sons. It will pass

It looks like you have so much going on right now - full time at school, you recently moved to a new city and left your husband. And you have a roommate, was this person a stranger to your daughter before you moved in? All these things are stressing your daughter out and she doesn't know how else to react.

You do need to handle the tantrum by not giving in. I put my 2 year old in his crib until he's done. This won't work for a 3 year old, but maybe you can put one of the handles on the doorknob to make her stay in her room until she's done screaming.

But, I think that the important thing is that when she is done with the tantrum, she needs a LOT of love and reassurance that you love her and everything is going to be ok. And, dedicated one-on-one time with you every single day. Even if it's just 30 minutes after dinner, it's important that you can look at her every day and say - Look, it's 7:00, that means it's time for me and you to play whatever you want until 7:30. Then do it, every day and at the same time of the day if you can, so that it's part of her daily routine. I know you have a lot to do, but dishes and cleaning can wait, and studying will have to wait too.

I think the acting out will lessen over time, if you give her the extra attention now. I know it's easier said than done...

OK, You say you use "slight pats on butt to get points across." How slight? Spanking is totally pointless unless it is calmly and clearly doled and STINGS BIG TIME. It also has to be consistent at the BEGINNING of a fit. Like, calm clear warning at first signs of rev-up to fit, and then STING if it continues AT all, EVERY time. You have listed so many other things here it doesn't seem like you did that from age 18 months (typical starting tantrum age) exclusively. Many kids do not react AT ALL to the other things you list-ESPECIALLY ignoring and screaming it out. This only lets kids rehearse and get BETTER at fits and wearing you down while you hide.

You sound convinced your three-year-old is and invincible oddity of nature who does not react to discipline at all. This is not likely true. I come from a network of over 40 cousins all spanked for this and it always works. Including for my third child who was born with a temper from the lowest pits of h___.

If ALL discipline is having NO effect, there may be an overall environment refresher needed, or a medical disorder at play (but probably not). But I'm telling you, a loving, happy, playful home in which she is bonded to you well, and you give her a good sting after a warning EVERY TIME she TRIES this for even a second, and she would not be succeeding in mega-meltdowns with throwing etc. Sounds like this has not been handled firmly, consistently and calmly enough.

She knows she's got you on your very last frayed nerve and she's milking it big time. (unless she's got a medical problem) Toughen up, calm down, and don't take this anymore. She's three. I've got a natural-born hellish three-year-old-turned great girl too. You don't have to live this way, she can behave. Get the book Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson for a good outline of how to handle fits.

I am so sorry. It's one stressful age. Search on here for all the 3yr old posts and you will see how many stressed out moms of 3 yr olds there are.
You need to pick a strategy and love and logic has good ones. Keep consistent.
Look up old Suppernanny ideas. You need a naughty chair and the whole night devoted to putting her back on it for three mins till she sits there. Tell her she isn't allowed to hit you or yell at you. You have to believe that you are deserving of being treated well and do not tolerate less.

You need to invest some good mom time everyday in pretend or reading or art stuff. You both need time to bond and you need time of refreshment. If your H or his parents or your parents are stable then you need an afternoon to yourself before you burn out. You are going to be ok. Good luck.
You need to understand that you win. You can outlast her till she is about 5.

First of all, so sorry what you're going through. Parenting can be frustrating and hard at times. It looks like you have lots of answers here but I'll offer my suggestion. You listed a bunch of things you've done and hasn't worked, but have you done any of them consistently? Kids need routine, consistance, consequences and rewarding. It sounds like she knows at some point you're going to cave in and when you do she wins. Always talk and explain and tell her the consequences, make them realistic, but most importantly follow through. Also, plan thigs with her and tell say, if your a good girl we're going to the zoo on Wed. Build her up and if she's good you take her. The night before bed tell her, tomorrow we're staying in and I'll play with you and so on. I always find if you explain to them, they know what to expect. If she's going to act out, tell her that's not the way we act and you never hit me or anyone. If you do, there is no tv time or whatever she likes. The thing here, you have to show her "you" are in control not her.
And when she does something good, tell her or say you get a sucker today because you did what mommy asked of you. This may take a little time, but you'll get there. Start today, but stay with it. When you wake up in the morning take a deep breath and follow through. You'll see a change, but you make the change first. And your a mom if you need a break ask for help. Good luck to you! And I hope everyone is nice to you on their advice.

Turn her bedroom door handle around so the lock is on the outside.

Clean anything she can throw or break out of her room.

When tantrum occurs, say absolutely NOTHING. Pick her up, put her in the room, shut and lock the door. Through the door, calmly say "DD, I'll be back when you've been calm and quiet for 10 minutes."

Then follow through. Do it consistently every time. When you let her out, say calmly, "DD, I will not speak to you when you get out of control. You need to learn to talk to me calmly and nicely. If you can't, you'll go straight to your room and not come out until you are calm and nice again."

Best of luck!

♥
C. Lee

I have a thirteen year old who is quite clingy. I also have a fifteen year old who can be violent, but he still kisses me (when no one is looking, sometimes unexpectedly) My boys never behaved like this. However they were strangely blissful. I yearn for those former days; of course without the potty training.
I had a longterm relationship with a man whom revered his daughter. He is quite obsessed with her.
He would call me up whining that his daughter wanted Japanese food. She chose the night before. He wanted Indian food. He let his daughter dictate his life.
I have been in a restaurant when she started balling because she doesn't get her way. She does this in public and private settings.
It is negative attention. Your child wants attention, but gets this only when they act like a brat.
Explain "I don't understand what you need, I won't respond unless you can talk to me. I won't respond to any behavior that isn't positive. Be a thinker instead of a stinker."
Just ignoring a child does not get positive response anymore then a swat at this age. I agree with swatting. However, it only works at an age when they don't have actual comprehension. Point out her bad behavior, then ignore her bad behavior. When she is done; IT WILL BE EXHAUSTIVE AT TIMES- on you both; ask her "what did you want to say to me?"
If it is a real issue in public, take her out to Chucky Cheese.- no friends. They are used to screaming. It isn't about how everyone else behaves, it is about communication with her at a positive level. She does have something to say, but she needs to communicate at your terms, not hers.