How to Get on the Same Page with My Husband About Parenting

Hi ZeldaGirl,

I know you've said you've read all the books and tried it all, but have you tried Love and Logic? I can't stress it enough. It works. I will PM you this great resource I found online that summarizes the main parts of the program so that you don't have to buy the whole book.

The main components of it are: limited choices (choices within reason), natural consequences, and consistency. You offer between two choices that you will be happy with such as: milk or orange juice, peas or corn, red shirt or yellow shirt, brushing teeth now or in five minutes. You say everything very calmly and clearly. There is no yelling. You choose several one-liners to use such as:

would you rather
probably so
this is so sad
I love you to much to argue

Here are some sample conversations regarding choices:

Mom: Would you rather have peas or corn for your vegetable?
DD: Neither!
Mom: Only little girls who eat their vegetables may have dessert
DD: No!
Mom: This is sad....when you have decided which vegetable you would prefer, let me know...

And if she doesn't eat her veggies, follow through and do not give her dessert.

Mom: Would you rather have milk or orange juice to drink this morning?
DD: NO! I WANT CHOCOLATE MILK!
Mom: (calmly and sweetly) Your two choices are milk or orange juice
Daughter: I SAID CHOCOLATE MILK
Mom: This is sad. I don't want you to be thirsty, so when you're ready for milk or orange juice, let me know.

Then turn away and go about your business.

She will soon learn that if she doesn't choose between what she is offered, she will suffer the natural consequences..no dessert, going thirsty etc...

The main thing is that you and your husband have to be 100% consistent with this. The first couple of days might be tough and she tries to test you and break you, but persevere and you will have a new kid!

Good luck!

You don't necessarily have to parent in the same way, you just each need to find a way to parent that works well for you and well for the child. That, and some fundamental agreement on inviolable house rules, and you are set.

i.e. you both agree no shoes on the furniture.
you decide that the way you will handle the infraction is with a rule statement, a warning and a time out.
dad decides that he will handle the infraction with a rule statement, and then a game of lets walk heel toe to the cupboard and take our shoes off till we are ready to leave the house.
each of you achieved the end result of no shoes on the furniture. your kid can handle, and tolerate the differences.

We do limited choices, and only present options that we are happy with-
do you want the motorcycle shirt or the blue shirt.
you can walk the direction mommy is walking in, or you can sit in the stroller which do you want?
It's too hot for your down jacket should mommy put it away or does DS want to put it on the hangar.

We entice-
let's get your coat on so we can see grandpa.
let's go home so we can have some apple juice.
let's have a nap and then maybe we can see the subway choo choo.

we ask him to calm down and try again-
I don't think you are ready to eat with the way you are bouncing around. get down from your chair, when you are ready to sit nicely, we can try again.
no throwing the trucks in the house. mommy's going to put the trucks away, when you are ready to play nicely, we can try again.
I can't understand you when you are shouting, when you are ready to talk nicely, we can try again.

Our kid enjoys time out. He gives the time out corner a kiss, and somtimes asks for a time out. It needn't be punitive. It's just an opportunity for him to step away and regroup. That's alright with us.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Love and Logic. Both of you should read it.

It's not JUST about choices, but also giving her the consequences of those choices, and being empathetic. As a parent, your job isn't to teach your child WHAT to think, but HOW to think. If you never let her choose, she'll never learn how. Pick your battles. Some things just aren't worth an argument.

When you give her choices, it's not "choose an outfit out of your entire 50 piece wardrobe," it's "here are three shirts, and three pairs of pants...which shirt and pair of pants do you want to wear today?" Or "do you want to wear your sweater or your fluffy coat?" Or, "Do you want to brush your teeth first, or do your hair?" Limit the options, and make it clear that only the options offered are on the table.

Too many choices lead to tantrums. Too few choices lead to a child who doesn't learn how to do anything on their own.

Finally: Slow down. Wake up 15-30 minutes early if you have to. Running late stresses parents out...and then we tend to make our kids pay for it. It's not THEIR fault that we hit the "sleep" button 3 times, is it?

You could compromise with the negotiations. For example: Daughter, you have 5 minutes to pick what you want to wear today. If you don't pick something in 5 minutes, then I'll pick for you. You have three minutes to brush your teeth. If you choose not to brush your teeth in the next three minutes then I'll brush them for you and you won't get any chocolate milk tomorrow. Would you like soup or macaroni for lunch? If you don't pick one, I'll pick for you and you won't get anything else.

That way she gets to make a choice and see that there are consequences when she chooses not to do as she is told.

Good luck.

It really is frustrating, isn't it?

I try to give choices when I can - trying not to let everything be a battle. When it comes to things that involve time, I very often resort to, "It's time to brush your teeth." I try to be very matter-of-fact. This is simply what needs to happen next. I often give a 5 minute "heads up" for things, like leaving my parents house. I tell them we will be leaving in 5 minutes. I've heard other give 15, 10 and 5 minute warnings, but that just seemed to make it harder for my kids. One 5 minute "heads up" seemed to be just right for them.

As much as possible, try to be matter-of-fact. Be firm, but kind. Try to keep emotions out of it. I say this as if it's easy. It's not. I find myself loosing my patience many mornings. Not because they won't decide what to wear but because they goof off and won't get dressed. There are some mornings I have to literally sit on the bed and keep telling them to get dressed. Oh, it's exhausting!

Sorry I don't have any easy answers. Try to find comfort in the fact that you are not alone!

There's choices and then there's too much control. For example, right now it is time to eat. My DD had a choice of juice or milk but she doesn't get the choice not to have lunch. She gets a limited choice of choices I can live with. We also have a loose schedule. She gets up, has breakfast, gets dressed, gets her teeth brushed, put on shoes and socks and coat. An order of things, if there isn't one, will help your child predict what comes next.

So maybe you need to look at framing choices withing YOUR choices. She may get to choose the toothpaste but YOU decide that right now she needs to brush her teeth. YOU choose that right now is getting dressed time and if she gags and vomits, then she gets to sit in the bathroom instead. Or if she vomits on a shirt, then she gets no choice in the next one. Or if she threatens to vomit in the car, give her a bucket or a towel.

I have found that tantrums lessen when they get less of an audience. You can walk away. Let her vomit on herself - or she may just calm down instead. If getting out the door with this behavior takes 20 extra minutes, then get her up that much earlier. I would suggest to your DH that giving in is making it worse. It tells her "this works". So tell him instead to give himself the time in the AM to walk away. This may also work for you. If you feel impatient because you know the clock is ticking, give yourself buffer.

Once, when DD was throwing a fit, we left a store. But she wouldn't get in her car seat. She couldn't get out or go back in the store. But I wasn't going home til she sat in her seat and I buckled her in (she was doing the planking thing). She calmed down when she realized she wasn't going anywhere til she behaved. After telling her what the deal was going to be, I did nothing but turn on the AC so we wouldn't boil and ignored her. It lasted about 5 minutes.

You can both read up on books like 123 Magic and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen. Find the tools that work with your particular child.

Not all the tools will work the same for every kid. And not all parents parent the same way. My DH and I agree on the basics, like no spankings. But if when he gets up in the middle of the night with her she gets a hug and a walk back to bed instead of a snuggle and a song, it works, right? And I get to sleep. I think if you and your DH can find a way to deal with the big issues together, there will be 1. fewer of them and 2. less discussion about the small things.

ETA: as the primary "get the kid out the door" parent, I will say that DH means well but is often messing with my schedule if he "helps". So what I will do instead is give him very specific tasks that go with our routine. "DH, I need my shower. Can you help DD get dressed in the outfit that is on the couch?" Or "DH, it would be helpful if you made sure there was a spare pair of underpants in her pink school bag and can you put the freezer pack into her lunch and put them by the door?" Sometimes it is still quite helpful when it's not dealing with the kid directly.

What mamazita said. Choices are important, but the parent does still need to be in control. If the child is never given a choice how are they ever supposed to learn to make good choices and gain independence? I mean, teaching them to make their own choices is the ultimate goal of being a parent, right? At the age of three choices need to be a or b, no negotiating about c and no open ended choices. You too need to meet in the middle of what you are currently doing.

She SHOULDN'T have so many choices. I'm sure most of us here will agree. Choices are good for her, but only if they are few, and the time frame is short. Spending 15 to 20 minutes discussing clothes is a huge waste of time, for all of you. Though unless she wants to wear plastic princess heels outside to play why are you arguing about her clothing choices anyway? Let her wear what she wants, this isn't a battle worth having IMO.
Appropriate choices:
You can have a banana or apple with your lunch, which would you like?
Do you want to wear the blue shoes or the white shoes?
We can go to the park as soon as you pick up your blocks.
You may watch TV after you help mommy clear the table.
Ineffective/inappropriate choices:
What do you want to wear,
what do you want for lunch,
where do you want to go today?
That's SO overwhelming for a three year old.
And never argue or negotiate with a young child, YOU are in charge. Once they learn no means no, or the choices are only A and B they will stop pushing.
I never did time outs, or at least I never called them that. If one of my kids was being cranky, uncooperative or whatever I would simply send them to their rooms until they had a chance to calm down and feel better. Same thing if they started having a meltdown at the park or wherever, we packed up and went home.
Natural consequences.
She's going to learn how to behave but it happens over time. She will do a lot of growing and maturing between three and five but it's up to you to teach, model, redirect and above all else be consistent.
Raising a child really is a full time job!

She should have a choice of TWO, not unlimited. Like, do you want to wear the pink shirt or the purple one? Do you want milk or juice?

It also helps to have a specific schedule that EVERYONE knows and is on board with. And you do the exact same thing in the exact same order every day. My kids are 17, 13 and 10 and we have done this for years with little to no issues. This way she doesn't wonder *when* she brushes her teeth because its *always* after she gets dressed, or whatever. You just print it our and put it on her wall: wake up, go to the bathroom, get dressed, make your bed, brush hair, brush teeth, eat breakfast, etc. Same thing when they are older and after school. Mine come home, have a snack, work on homework, free time until dinner, then we do something as a family, then they each take their shower, in order and at the same time, then they are in their rooms. So there is no guess work and when hubby steps in, he knows the 10 yo needs to be in the shower at 7:45 so its not an issue. There is NO reason any of this should be an issue or a fight. Everyone needs to just know the schedule and stick to it. And everyone should know the consequences for the outcome so that is consistent to.

First thing first: you and you're husband MUST get on the same page. You need to make a pack that you will back each other in front of your child and discuss disagreements over parenting away from her. Otherwise you're teaching her to throw fits when she doesn't want to do what you tell her to so daddy will come save her.
When it comes to giving choices...you pick 2 things for her to decide between (clothes, stories, ect. ). Otherwise she is over whelmed. Any change will most likely result in a fit at this point, but if you stick to it, it should resolve in about a week. But, it's a bad idea to be flexible on rules, they will throw that in your face when they get older, plus it sends mixed messages.
Bottom line: say what you mean and mean what you say.

I like what Fanged Bunny had to say, so I'll say it again. You don't have to parent the same way.

How do you not undermine each other? Just don't. Recognize that you each have your own style..which is fine as long as they both "work" for you and the child.

The example you gave of getting dressed is interesting. If it's "his" responsibility, I can see how you getting mixed up in it could create more stress in the situation. If he's giving her a choice and you're demanding a decision, you're not coming across with a clear message to your young daughter.

For the most part, my husband and I both agree with your philosophy. He tends to be "dictatorial" in his approach (ie, "you're wearing this outfit. Too bad if you don't like it). I start "big" (what do you want to wear today?) and with each minute of indecision, I start taking away choices (Ok. You can wear a skirt and tee or a dress. One minute later. Ok, you didn't pick, so you get to wear a dress. What color dress do you want?). For whatever reason, my daughter is VERY particular about picking out clothes.

Even at that age, they can understand that mommy does things one way and daddy does things another. You and hubby need to talk AWAY from the situation. You both have valid points...try and see if you both would be willing to incorporate those points the next time a situation arises.

As parents, you HAVE to back each other up in front of the child. You may not like it or agree with it, but parenting is about discussing those differences. Just at the right time. :)

Read a parenting book together in the evenings after she has gone to bed.

Take a parenting class together. We have some here through the Parks and Rec and the local community college.

I swear these ways help soooo much. You engage in the goal together and it is an "expert" giving both parents counsel...not just a nagging spouse trying to convince the other that he/she is right.

In our house...
Tantrum in the evening means going to bed earlier the next night.

Getting ready quickly for bed=cuddle time and a story..maybe even an extra story if they get ready very quickly with a smile.

We did sticker charts for bedtime. If they did well then a sticker was placed under their pillow to put on their chart the next morn. At the end of the week we did something fun together...or they earned a prize from the treasure box. Sometimes we switched it up and there was no chart...just a little prize waiting under their pillow. A balloon to blow up and play with the next morning, stickers, a pencil, a coloring book etc.

Choices are fine...but choices are hard to make while in the midst of a tantrum.

Good luck and best wishes. Age 3 is so cute and fun...yet was always the hardest year with all three of our kiddos. They are learning autonomy...independence and that they actually have an opinion. All of these are great..but they are only 3..with impulsiveness and self centeredness...and limited coping skills.

Seriously..read a book together or take a class.We have a friend who is a child behaviorist. Google one in your area...sometimes they will just give you a free phone call. It sure helped us!!!

Oh brother. You two are in for a long haul of it with your husband doing this. I feel sorry for this child.

Notice that I said I feel sorry for this child.

The point I am trying to make is that she IS going to be the defiant and disrespectful 13 year old, thanks to your husband. And it will be his fault.

You need to DRAG your husband to counseling. Negotiating with a 3 year old who just ups the ante more and more is terrible parenting. He isn't believing you, and he needs to hear it from a professional. Do it now before things get worse.

I would also make some changes at home to help your husband in the mornings. One of these things is to clear out the closet and drawers. She does NOT need many clothes where she can see them. Instead, put them in boxes and put them somewhere out of her room. Only have 5 outfits out per week, and make them all mix and match. You can pull out 5 other outfits for the next week. Lots of times, little girls get the idea from the women in their lives that clothes are ultra important (budding "clothes horses") and they need to have very few clothes available to choose from.

I would NOT stop counseling until you work this out. There is SO much at stake here. Please love your daughter's future enough to go through this hard work with your husband.

Love and Logic - it's awesome. They also have classes locally - call and see if there is a facilitator in your area. It's about age appropriate choices, but not an overwhelming amount. It's about helping them take responsibility.

There is a balance between being wishy-washy and the parental "because I said so". I don't like to over use "because I said so" because it teaches nothing about how the world works. My kiddo tends to do things easier when he understands why (not a long drawn out answer, but basic info). It teaches him something, and reinforces the future behavior because he learns that doing A = reaction B.

As he gets older, I'll give him short reasons, and I add "and because I said so" because he needs to know that you have to listen, but can ask why later.

Some kids need transition time, some kids need choices, etc. We don't have to "give in", but if we can get in their heads a little and understand how the world appears to them, we can work with their developing brains to get what WE want, and give them what they need.

Wow, I could have written this. My son has hit the tantruming twos, and he will knock his head into the wall because he knows it scares us and gets him attention. My husband is the more permissive one, but my son also tantrums harder for him, and my husband gets desperate to stop it. Sadly, the stress of this plus having a new baby has been causing us to fight about discipline. I think it would be great if you and your husband could read a book together, like 123Magic, but I know my husband wouldn't. If you can't agree, then it's probably healthier to agree to disagree and have separate styles, at least for non major issues. That's what I'm aiming to achieve with my husband.

Make her a list.
If she can't read, make a lust of pictures.
List all of the things she needs to do.
Post the list in an easy spot.
Laminate it and stick & let her use a dry erase marker to check off things as she goes.
If she has questions? Refer to the list.
Let her have at it.