Need Help - Atlanta, GA

Well, I guess due to your children's ages, I would have to know more about exactly what all you do for them before I could agree with your husband. Having said that, I see warning flags everywhere. Those kids are your children (and teens often need more parental influence and direction than little ones), and anyone asking to be put over them is a selfish and inconsiderate person. If you truly do not spend any time with your husband or ever go out on a date or anything, well, you should make some time for that sort of thing, but what's the deal with hubby? No license? Only part-time jobs? Is he a minister for a church that pays him a salary? Because if he's just saying he's a "pastor" and has a "ministry", but no money is coming in -then that's just a way for him to put off finding a full-time job. Why don't your two boys at home have their driver's licenses? I'm sorry if this sounds b****y, but it sounds like your husband needs to step up to the plate a little more before he starts making demands on you. And remember -your job as an RN isn't an easy one either. Sounds like you're doing everything.

V.....I think I have a different take on this,and that is there are many more problems than your being an attentive mother.,First of all...motherhood is suppose to come first,yeah I know what the bible says,that your husband comes first,but children need to be raised...then your hubby (after Christ ,of course) . But my issue is that your hubby should be working,forget he has problems with finding a job...come on you work a full time job and take care of your kids and home,also why can't he drive....You obviously had your children when you met him,what went wrong...I mean when did he decide you spend too much time with your kids....I have been married for 28 years,have 3 sons 27,22 and 20 and a 4 year old daughter...the sexiest and most awesome thing about my hubby is that he is a wonderful and attentive father....and yes it takes time for both of us to be the parents we are,but we do still find time for each other. I truly hope you talk to your hubby,you sound like a wonderful woman,don't waste your time with him if this no job thing is a pattern,you cannot change who he is,..and if he at 38 only has a part time job...I would be concerned...Best of luck.

Hi Valeria S

been there, done that, got a t-shirt. I am an economist and there is such a thing call comparative advantage. It is 4 of them (well 3) it only takes a 3rd of the time to take care of you and it takes you 3 times the effort to take care of them. His inability to find a job because his ministry keeps him busy 24/7 is to say the least a cop out. Tell him to grow up and quit whining. You had the children before he married you, they are not Lucky charms that will magically disappear. I agree with your husband to a certain point. You should spend time with him and nurture your relationship with him, but with that being said it is a two way street. He should fill your vessel as well as take from it. Tell him to figure out a way to get his liscense back or hop on public transportation. A man of GOD knows that he suppose to be a giver and not a taker. Like a bank account if you keep taking money out and not putting any in you will have NSf charges. As far as the children are concern the 19 and 16 year old need to get a job and liscense. The 19 year should help shoulder some of the burden of his brother you are a family. I have to el hombres myself (25 & 22) and after a certain age you do have to pull away and let them make decisions on their own (it is hard I know) You are in advisory mode i am sure you have been a wonderful mother and the boys love you to pieces. If you expressed to them your need for some me time and take it you will find that they will respect your wishes and help you. You are the center of the household the spirit you might say and if you breakdown then the house breaks down. I am going to recommend a book title Sacred pampering Principles Debrena Jackson Gandy and for you and your husband The Five Love Lnaguages by Gary Chapman. I hope you much success and love.
Ms Econ

I hate to sound harsh, but it sounds more like your husband is the one with the problems, not you. For one thing, he has to remember that you were their mother long before you were his wife, and that you have a lifelong commitment to them as well as to him. Also, being a pastor, he should understand that a mother's job is never done, and that you will always feel the need to take care of your boys. Stating that he is jealous of your time with your children shows that it is your husband's problem more than yours. Why does he not try spending more time with you and your boys at home (and the one in college) and try being a part of that time as a family, rather than expecting you to quit doing the things for your sons that you enjoy doing?

It also sounds like your husband needs to find more than some on and off part-time jobs. Perhaps him having something more important outside of the home will help him feel less needy of your time.

Please take it from me. One on one time with your spouse is so important. Even if you HAVE to make time to do something together. Set aside one day of the month and go out with your spouse or better yet find a babysitter and spend the evening in. It's well worth it. Remember, before the children was your man. Unless you have children by another man, but regardless it is really important to spend time with your spouse. And he'll have to set aside time as well so make sure the day you pick is one you both can agree on. It'll be well worth it! Oh yes, and remember to focus on each other and not the children when you spend this time alone. Have fun!

hi im also remarried after a devorice and have 3 children 16,19 and 20 one of them still living at home and yes there is jelousy on both of there parts.so i confront it with both of them present and let them know they nneed to work this out between them for the sake of us as a family.sounds like your hubby has alot of time on his hands and wants you to fill it. of course all couples need time alone and you should definatly work on that area but if you cant be who you are in the relationship maybe you need to look at that. cause i know from experence that these real strong men need strong women to stand up for themselves in their relationships and i have to do this in a kind loving way on a regular basis.

It's time your kids have alittle more responsibility with home and their lives. And you and hubby should have time for yourselves.

Well Valerie. Tough situation. I don't know if my advice will help you or not but before getting married myself I was taught that the order of relationships is this...God first, then your husband then your children. For me it has worked. There are many reasons for this but for me the most important is that my children will see a healthy relationship between myself and God and my husband and will follow in our example. And since this is what I want for my children I feel that setting the example before them is they best way for them to have this life. A healthy relationships with God and with their spouse is the best thing I could ever give my children. God is who I will spend eternity with, my husband is who I'll spend the rest of my life with and my children are the ones I am to guide and prepare for them to have their own adventures in life. Makes sense to me.

Now as far as you being the only one to drive in the family, I wish I could solve that big problem for you. If there is ANY way for your dh to get his license then I would have a big talk with him and explain to him that it is very important to your relatonship with him for him to do what ever it takes to help alleviate this pressure in your life. Work together as a team and everyone wins.

I would also like to add that you both sit down and have a huge talk about his job situation. Not only was I taught the order of realtionships but I was also taught that husband and wife are to respect one another and by him not doing what ever it takes to help provide for the family then he isn't showing you respect. Maybe he has been through something terrible that has caused him to loose his priorities and maybe you as a team can help him find his way again. It is very important that he give you reason to respect him.

I truly hope you find a solution that will work for you, your dh and your children.

Best wishes for all of you,

C.

You know my mother-in-law use to always tell me to bring the kids over for the night or weekend because I needed to sometimes spend some quality time with her son. She stated that sometimes the man gets jealous and feels neglected. Now don't ask me why they feel the way they do because I'm still trying to figure out how when they came from them. I guess too he feels like less of a man to not be able to provide for his family the way he would like. And, right now your kinda the backbone. But, who better than him to understand those vows you both took for better or for worse. It gets to be exhausting for the mother whose job is never done and places herself last on the list.

No offense to your husband, but sounds like you do much and he does little. I am a stay at home mom of 2 young children and my husband works very hard and long hours. We just had our first date since our honeymoon- 4 years. We don't have a ton of us time but we have a great relationship stealing moments when we can. To me children are the most important, we shape their lives- your sons will be able to pick up on his animosity. If he really wants more have him be creative yet sensitive to your time- we put the boys down and watch a movie once every two weeks- even if it keeps us up very late it is still something. I'll be praying for you and I hope that you can both work something out.
Take care,
S.
Do either of your sons drive? How do they feel towards them... this should guide you or at least help you.

I'm a bit alarmed by your last sentence: "I don't know if I can stop being a mother like he wants."
My question to you is: WHY would you want to ever stop being a mother? Isn't that your first priority in life, especially for the 16 year old who is still a child? Weren't you the same mother when you first met your husband?

Hi V.:
It sound like your in a tough situation however we have some things in common. Being a pastor's wife myself I truly understand how it plays into the life of a full family. Although, I'm on the outside looking in I would like to advised you to open your eyes and see things for what they really are. How can one stop being a mother, is that really possible? Why would your husband request such a thing and a pastor with jealously issues is another issue for you to review. I'm not saying that pastors do not have problems however it's how they deal with them.

I want to be sure that I'm being fair as it relates to your husband need for more time. However is it a possibility that he has too much time on his hand? Maybe a full time job is what he need. Also ministry has to have a balance, God requires that a man must take care of his household before he can properly lead a church.

I hope I did not sound to preachy.... I pray that everything work out!

The answer is probably "no"... until you desire to change. Been there, done that, myself. My kids are about the same ages - all girls. Everyone, tells me that I did too much and the kids never really appreciated me for all that I did anyway. My husband (of 4 yrs), felt last on the list of priorities and rightfully so. He was. There was no time for the marriage, no time for ME. I had spent my entire adult life (40 now) micro-managing everyone's life and as much as I did for everyone else, there still was not enough hours in the day and I felt like a failure.
I was exhausted. Maybe you notice that I am using "past tense". One day I realized that this behavior of mine was the actual problem. I did what I did out of a need to control, to feel needed and wanted and because I needed to make everyone else happy and satisfied to feel like I was doing a good job.
That is a lot of responsibility. In fact, I was rarely happy because I never felt like I got every thing done and for all I did, I never felt appreciated. So I quit. I had to assume responsibility for myself and allow everyone else that same ability.

I started by giving verbal prompts on what needed to be done. If the laundry did not get switched over, then the next morning - well, I guess that favorite shirt was not going to be worn. It started slow and was a work in progress. My children have a habit of waiting on things till the last minute and I have a habit of coming to the rescue.

The kids are leaving, so are yours, they all do - they have their own lives. They are not going to live here forever and then what? The husband had to take on his share too. He found that he too can clean and cook. I began learning to be selfish and to take care of me. My marriage was a priority on my list again. I would never go back to the way things were.
Good Luck !!!

I'm sure your kids where not a surprise to your husband when you got married. He married you knowing about the kids and your responsiblility to them. If he thinks you do too much for them, then maybe he needs to help pick up the slack since you are the only one working full time. My husband married me with a child I already had and has never in 9 years complained about it. He needs to pray about what a blessing he has to influce boys that are teenagers to help develop them into men.

So what does he do for them, to help you out? My husband and I have been married for 7 years. He has two older boys out of the house (18 & 22) and I had one son before our marriage (now 13). We then had two new babies together. Through it all and from the beginning we both understood that each child was "our" responsibility and we love all the children as one family. It is his Christian responsbility to love those children, and devote time to them as well. Keep praying

Then don't! You were a mother before you were his husband. While you still need to be a good wife, your children need you. Trust me from personal experience. Do not sacrifice your children for him.

"Stop being a mother like he wants?" Wow - I don't think you should, either. It is wrong for him to be asking you to choose between him and your sons. Of course, your boys are nearly grown themselves - they are probably fairly independent in most ways. I don't think you should push them away any further now - they'll be on their own and out of the house in the blink of an eye. Most moms with boys this age wish they could spend *more* time with their boys - so often they don't want to be seen with mom, or have activities and dates and a million other things to do.

The advice here is really divided, isn't it? Husband first/kids first. Sounds to me like this man is pretty lucky to have you. (Your boys are, too) I'm leaning to the folks who think he has more of a problem than you, and he needs to suck it up. I disagree with the folks saying the husband ALWAYS comes first. Ummmm, he's an adult - I'm sure you didn't marry him because you wanted another needy person.

My husband went through a little of this when our first child was about 6 months old. (I know it's a bit of a different situation because of the age, but I ended the discussion immediately.) The baby demanded a lot of attention, and at one point my husband whined that I gave the baby more attention than him, and tried to give me a guilt trip. I told him "You are an adult. You can take are of yourself. This baby can't do anything without help. Don't make me choose between you and my child! You KNOW who is going to lose!" A little harsh, yes, but I was being spread pretty thin myself, working, taking care of the baby and every thing else.

And besides, he has told me plenty of times his own mother had stuck up for him, had chosen him over his dad, when necessary, and he is still grateful years later.

Children are a gift from God, They are His reward. Psalms 127:3 If you are the sole provider for this family he should be willing to help you with the burdens of the family especially, if he calls himself a man of God. We do not abandon our responsibilites for the desires of others. If he truly wishes to be apart of your life he would do what ever it takes to ease you burdens and work load therefore freeing time for you two to be together. And he would do it without having to be asked. He sounds extremly shelfish and self involved. Thank you for being a nurse what a calling you have to touch the lives of so many who are truly in need. It is a special person who is willing to help others. Do not change who you are you are doing the right thing. He maybe feeling guilty for not being more reliable and helping financially. What ever you do don't keep your feeling all bottled up inside about how you feel or how he makes you feel.
Be honest and let the chips fall. If he truly loves you the things that are important to you should be equally as important to him.
Good Luck.
N.

HI, V.,
I'm 39 years old and and will be 40 next month. I've been married 15 years this may. My husband and I are raising my sister's child whom we have had since she was 4 months. We spoil her routen, So times my husband thinks that I do to much for her and I know that I do to much, but, like I tell him all the time she's 3 and its easier for me to ju;st get it done than to repeat the same instructions over and over. ( like cleaning up some of her toys, taking her plate to her, instead of it being drop on the floor. etc...
Husbands do need some time with you but, remember they were Your kids before he was your husband.
Thats just my opinion
maybe you and he can find something that can be done together for the kids or with the kids.

I'm on the same page as Gina. I see a lot of red flags in what you have said. First off, you had your children before you met your husband-he accepted the fact then and needs to now! Second, why is having a hard time keeping a job and if being a pastor isn't bringing home the bacon, then why isn't he doing something else to help bring income to the house? Third, why can't he drive? Why do you have to take him everywhere? If it because he made a mistake and lost his drivers licenses, then he needs to step up and walk, ride a bike or take the bus!! Sorry, but he reminds me of my daughter's father-lazy and thinks the world owes him something. He is turning 40 something and still hasn't grown up!

As far as you not being a mother to your kids-that will never happen!! No matter how old they are, you will always be their mother!!! You didn't say if all 3 were living at home, but if the older two are, then they are old enough to help take care of the house-that means chores, rent, chip in towards elec bill and etc.

I'm not much into the whole woman serves man thing either-it's a two way street in my house!!

Good luck!
~S.

You know, before I responded, I had to take a REALLY deap breath. So, this is the watered down version. Tell the 4 year old to grow up, get a d... job and quit whining. Yup, that was the watered down version. I've been in your situation regarding a jealous husband. Near as I can tell, most men are jealous, even of their own children. My solution was to kick the 4 yr old to the curb. Anyway, best wishes to you.

By the way, I'm proud of the ladies who were able to verbalize the response so much better than I.

Without your husband to help you with the driving, errands and the daily chores, what do you think he's expecting?

Sounds to me like you and your husband don't communicate much. Take some time and talk to him about everything you HAVE to do around the house. Tell your 19 year old to help out with the driving and errands to the store and such. Let your 16 year old get involved in outside activities. Get other parents involved with your need to have your 2 boys picked up/dropped off if they happen to be going in the same direction.

As a pastor, your husband should also understand that unless he acts and speaks as if he's the head of the house, your schedule is your own - as he seems to also have a schedule that doesn't have time for YOU.

One thing is for certain - there's no control over time going on your your home if you're constantly being pulled in different directions. Your time, your husband's, your kids.

BTW, when was the last time your husband took just YOU out to dinner and gave you flowers? Not that dinner and flowers are a requirement to romance but occasionally they are nice and it's nice to be thought of.

And when was the last time you helped your husband with his sermons or helping with his ministry in some small way?

Marriage is a two-way street and the husband-wife relationship ALWAYS comes first before the children.

I think I agree a great bit with kylee.Your husband needs to understand that children come first. But also don't let your children keep you busy with things their capable of doing on their own,especially the older ones.If they are keeping you busy with doing their laundry or asking you to help them with their responsibilities then you do need to cut some rope.Boys especially enjoy having mommy baby them in a sense with make me thid,can you do that.Sometimes that even spills over into their relationships.All your boys are old enough to do alo on their own so I say if you know their running you over things they can do themself and it keeps you from your husband then you need to set some limits with how much you do for everyone.

Make the time for the important things in your life. Read/listen to audio of the book "Scream Free Parenting". It helped be move the central focus of my life off my child and on me. When I did so, it was easier for me to pay attention to me (rest, recoup, renew spiritually), my husband (set minimums at least, of time that you two must spend alone time) and then children. You'll find that getting control of your life will be the most important gift you give your children; it will show them how to take care of their selves in the future; demonstrate how to effectively balance. Peace be with you.

May sound harsh But I would tell him to freaking grow up! Those are your kids and I am sorry as a mother my kids come first. He needs to deal with it and act like adult. Yes you need to make time for each other once in a while, but I think he has some issues he needs to get over.

Marriage with kids is tough as it is. Add in a blended "insta family” and things can get tougher.
It sounds to me that there might be communication problems. He might be worried about you over doing and it is coming out all wrong. Not to add anything to your plate, but you all may need to go to a therapist to help the communication to flow.

Therapy has taught me a couple of things. The only person you can change is you. And guys are literal beings and you have four of them. You need to ask for specifics. Like with my husband I not only had to ask him to take care of the trash. I had to ask him to remove the trash from all container in the house. Put new trash bags in the container. Take the trash outside and at the curb. Something to us women seems a given but they (guys) are not wired that way.
As moms we do tend to over do for our children. And for some reason especially our boys. Not knowing what the full story about "doing everything for them" it is hard to say ... I have a friend who even in college did her kids homework. And wondered why she was burning out.
That is why I am suggesting therapy. It might give you and your husband a fresh perspective.

Hi Valerie:
We all want to keep our marriages together. You had the 3 children before you knew your current husband. Your obligation to them is to get them raised and standing on their own two feet to earn their own living so they won't need you in the future. You are at a critical time period with all three boys. If you back away from them now it will cause resentment in the future for both you and your current husband and their future will be altered. It is the rare step parent that can set aside their own ego and needs to join with their spouse and successfully launch the step children into productive and emotionally healthy lives. I have seen it work positively but mostly it ends up being very negative.
P.S. I have been married 28 years with a 25 year old and a 19 year old. The 25 year old is a sucessful engineer with a degree from Clemson and the 19 year old is a student at USC. Had we at any point back away from our two children we would have a different set of circumstances. The 25 year old is now standing on his on two feet but after much guidance from me and his father.

you know what seriously.....im 52 and raised 5 children myself.....had a husband that wouldnt work...tell you husband to grow up get a job help you out some so you dont have to do it all and quit whining......or get rid of him....its as simple as that.....think about what you said...you work...he doesnt....you drive...he doesnt....he spends 24/7 making sure everyone but his family is taken care of....take it from...be a good mom or it will come back to haunt you...tell him to step up or get out

You have a serious problem. Your children always come first at least until they are on their own. Why are you rescuing him and letting him separate you from your children? Check out Al Anon or some other form of counseling. Cut him loose while you can.

V.: Sounds to me like you are the breadwinner in the family. A very educated and intelligent man can't find a job? He needs to get serious! A pastor needs to put family before ministry,not vice-versa. God first, then family,then ministry. Since you are the licensed driver, unless he is walking or using other means of transportation,some of the US time is when you are chauffeuring him . He needs to take his rightful position as head of the household.

This sounds like a particularly hard situation for you or for anybody else that would be in your shoes. Your sons will be your sons always, your husband(sorry to say it) is replaceable. If he is a good pastor, I would think he understands the need, especially in this day and age, of a mothers guidance when it comes to young men.
Maybe a solution is to schedule time for date night- my husband and I have two children and both work full time- but we make sure that at least 2 nights a month we spend it with eachother.
I hope this works out for you. You deserve a break!! Remember no matter what to do something for yourself.

You are in a tough situation. One that I found myself in not too long ago as well. My situation was slightly different though as my husband is not a pastor, but is a Christian. My thoughts on this: God gave you those children to raise. They are a gift from Him. I believe as mothers it is our responsibility to do all we can to ensure our children learn to be the best they can be. Not sure the circumstances behind his not being able to find a job, or not having a license-but it seems he needs to study his bible more. With all you say you must do in order to keep the family going (including him) he should be thankful. I believe true love, Godly love has no jealousy in a relationship. If he were able to help out in your family maybe you wouldn't have to do so much for your children. If your lifestyle hasn't changed with your children since your marriage, then don't change it now. I believe we should teach our children to be strong and teach them to be self sufficient, but I don't believe our children should suffer because a new person comes in to the family and wants their lives to change. I suggest you and your new husband pray together, then pray with your entire family to find the answers you really need. Your children will only have one mother. Unfortunatley in the world we live in we know all too well that husbands/wives are plentiful.

If you are willing to read books. I would recommend 2 books that should address some of these issues. The first one is called Boundaries. It is by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. They have written several books in this series. Look at the titles on Amazon.com and see which ones might be appropriate for you. The second book that I would recommend for your marriage is a book called Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It has a workbook that you can do together. I believe that if you will take the time to go through these books together then you will be better equiped figure things out.

I hope this helps you.

B.

V.:

I can tell you prayer changes things. With your husband being a pastor, maybe you could suggest you both pray together. Pray for your husband to respond to you as CHRIST does the church. Since he is a pastor, he should have an open heart and be reasonable. He is the head of your household, but not when it comes to going against GOD's word. GOD is the author and finisher of your faith, so consult HIM also about raising your children. Also, there is good Godly counsel available through a lot of churches. Ask your husband to help you as he would a member of his congregation and pray for GOD to help you both understand each other's perspective and positions and HE will!

Your boys maybe older but your a mom first and then a wife. That's what happens when we have kids. If you aren't there for them who is? I am on my 2nd marrige but between I dated a few men. I had one I really like but was really jelous of the time I spent with my kids when we were all together. I had to stop seeing him.

Your boys will soon all be out of the house and then what will he be jelous of? Life is crazy and so complicated at times! I hope you can work things out between the 5 of you, the boys should be apart of the two of you and what you do. I can't imangine (no matter what age) not doing things for my 4 girls (25yr,19yr,13yr,11yr). You work and come home and if your boys are active they play sports and such? Your the driver to and from? We usually come last in the list of taking care of, our list is endless. I hope it works out because someday it will be just the two of you and less kid time. Life is to short, make sure to enjoy yours too with your boys!

If he really love you then he wouldnt ask you to choice between him n your kids. You do have to take time out for just him bc your kids are young men. I know how you feel, once you get home all you want to do it kick off your shoes n relax for a couple hours before moving again but it dont always work like that.