November 09, 2009,
D.L. asks from Midland, TX on November 02, 2009
I Can't "Get over It" "Empty Nest", Natural Hormone Replacement, Menopause
I need wisdom from Godly women concerning this "transition" in my life. I hate it and I am misrable, depressed, anxious, and afraid. My only child didn't leave for college, but opted to "shake up" with his "fiancee" and blow school off.
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So What Happened?™
Will try not to make this a book; but so much has happened and so much has not...looks like this is going to be a "process". Beloved Ladies: Looking back at my request I am quickly reminded of the agonizing pain, suffering and torture my soul was in; and how thinly veiled/"masked" were my emotions. Very raw is where I was. May our God richly bless you and your families as each of you brave women of God ministered the love and hope of Jesus to me. Thank you for your courage to step up to the plate and be the hands and feet of Christ to me & show me mercy, love, nurture, comfort and share with me. You showed amazing depth and wisdom that comes only from God and you gave such wise counsel. I don't know if I had seen a post like that, if I would have had the courage to respond. Know that God used each of you to bless & help me in His plan for my life. I can never thank you enough. I was in a very bad place. I will now try to explain how God unfolded the past week. Saturday and Sunday before last, I basically cried all day long, slept, prayed, crying out to God, reading His word then recording in my "Listening Prayer Journal" what I thought I could discern what He was saying to me. Friday I hung out in Psalm 36 and verses 7-9 were giving me comfort & speaking to me & basically just sustaining me or holding me. Sunday the Holy Spirit told me/prompted me I first need to get my hormones balanced for my mind & body to be in the best condition it can be, to even begin to have a chance to work out of this mess. I called my Gyn and left a voice mail for his nurse to call me first thing Monday morning. She calls first thing Monday am & I let her know I am "out of my tree & nuts" & we have to address my low progesterone levels. Last month when I had my blood work done to check my levels; my estrogen was @ 97 & my progesterone was @ 4.7! So I was asorbing basically no progesterone. I told my Gyn (the month before) that because the new higher dose compound of progestrone was so thick & powdery; I was rubbing it in the top of my inner thigh area instead of my forearms like I apply the estrogen. (Remember this was LAST month; I couldn't make any decision then because I was in traumatic stress)Anyway the nurse lets me know I have to wait until Wednes to get in. (Side note to Jackie T: last night was the first time I got to listen to the "He Is With You by Mandesa) I have dial up @ the house & I was @ my husbands office with high-speed; so last night was the 1st time I got to hear it) This post is going to be so long because I want to encourage everyone that even if I didn't feel like God was with me; He was. While I was pouring my heart out to Him; He was preparing my steps and also yours. I even cried out; "Oh God, if I am your child WHERE ARE YOU?" So I got on Mamasource basically out of anger & frustration thinking "well if You are not helping me out of this; maybe there might be some women out there to give me wisdom to navigate through these uncharted and totally unexpected waters". My son just turned 19 in October. He was raised on the word of God. The first sentence he strung together was "I love Jesus." I always surrounded him with Godly men as mentors from our church so he could learn and see that all men are not like his dad and he has "choices" to make. He wanted to be a Youth Pastor to help other kids from troubled homes learn to have a relationship with Jesus. He was supposed to show up for orientation at Christ For The Nations on August 12th. My husband is entering a "new phase" of his alcholism...in ALANON they don't tell you what "progressive" looks like or at least I didn't know to ask the question...as far as me even being able to have a job now is highly suspect as I can hardly "function" as it is. My real estate license is parked at the State and I would only have one more class to meet the MCE requirements to get my license back; but I haven't sold real estate in 22 years and it is a whole different world now. My 85 year "young" blessed friend, prayer partner and mentor had admonished me "do not turn down any invitations, if your friends call you to do something GO" I could hear her voice in my head Monday evening when a friend called to invite me to lunch for the next day/Tuesday. I so badly wanted to squirm out; but I said yes. Tuesday afternoon when we met she handed me some papers. One was the Parasha reading for that week, another piece written about angels and the third was "10 Revelatory Keys" by Chuck Pierce off of the website http://lit4ever.org/revivalforum/index.php?topic=19110.ms... I briefly read through it and a hope started bubbling up inside me, then I got excited. I felt God was giving me new marching orders to walk into this new season He is giving me and to "cast the crowns you received in the last season (my son)need to be cast at His feet. Those crowns were ment to be given to our Lord and not worn into this season. He is fitting us & giving us new crowns to present to Him." Which basically lines up with the love, advise/council/suggestions each of you gave to me as I read your responses with tears & tears rolling down my face at the love each of you were pouring out to me through Jesus...have to be careful...I'm still very tender. I know by the stripes of Jesus I am healed; I also know God created doctors and medicine. So I am still on the antidepressant (wellbutrin) my Gyn perscribed when things began to get "crazier". I called the councelling office at our church and have an apt this Thursday; which will maybe help me "vent". When calling the church I visited with a dear friend of mine (we worked Youth and camp together for many years)(with boys older than my son) which I had been meaning to get in touch with to help as a resource getting through this period as she is several years futher down the road than I am. She mentioned a new mentoring program for young mothers that is starting up @ church and that I would be great at and to just pray it through and give the administrator a call. I will wait until after I meet with the councellor to see if I am fit or even able to take on a such a big responsibility. So I guess this transitioning thing is a "process" and God will be with me as I go through it. Thank you so much for helping me...I was about to give up. God bless each of you for pulling His girl back from falling off the edge.
M.A. answers from Houston on November 03, 2009
As Christians we too often think we have to be "perfect". Your feelings are real and valid and do not make you any less "godly." It is alright to get the professional help that you need, whether that be hormone replacement, an antidepressant, or a few sessions with a Christian counselor (many insurance policies do pay for this). I have found myself in a similar place (although not by my daughter's choice, but by her sudden severe medical illness). I was deeply disappointed and depressed about the loss of the future I had planned for her. I really struggled with allowing myself to even fill a perscription for an antidepressant, but once I did, I discovered that it helped me "get over it" and I only took it for a few months. The most help I received was from a Christian counselor. Your pastor should be able to refer you to one. (this is a professional licensed couselor, not a layman) Most importantly, even though you're very disappointed, do keep a relationship with your son and his fiancee. You don't want to end up being left out of their future life together. Just "be there for them" and let them know that you love them. That can go a long way in healing. I will be praying for you D..
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J.H. answers from Houston on November 03, 2009
So sorry to hear this as we as Christians feel that living with/shaking with(like you say) is out of order. All you can do as a Chrtian is pray and be non judegmental. If you have already said what you feel then all you can do is love and gently encourage him to make the right decisions. The more you push religion or what is right and wrong down him the further he will run from it AND it will put a wall up between you and him. Pray, pray,pray but don't quit working/helping at the churh b/c your son chose to do something you don't appove of. God will work it out, give it to him and focus on helping the teens again. Remember who your focus is: Christ...no matter what happens with your son or marriage; Christ is where you find happiness not others!! People WILL let you down and they won't live up to YOUR expectations. Let Christ handle your surroundings and have Him help you pull through this and love on your son instead of push him away. He knows you don't approve, he doesn't need to hear that over and over. Best of luck to you as you work to find true Joy in ALL circumstances, right or wrong.
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L.W. answers from Austin on November 02, 2009
I'm not quite to the menopause phase yet...though getting closer :)
I've heard different approaches on natural hormone replacement, but I have heard Teri Maxwell, a Christian speaker, talk about the benefits of it and how it really helped her life for the better...encouraged this during this time of life.
I recently sat with another group of super Godly Christian women who felt that depression is real and it was really important to seek help medically for it as needed.
You have got a lot you are dealing with! Will pray for you tonight.
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C.H. answers from Houston on November 03, 2009
Hi D., you are in a rough patch and there are things you can do to help yourself. First I would say your son is going to do what he is going to do. Agewise, he is still a boy, but he is making decisions of a grown man. Allowing his decisions to be his is not the same as encouraging it. He is making the decision that he wants for himself at this time. It is of no value to go to college and give minimal effort or go part of the semester and flunk/drop out. Time and money wasted. Continue to love and pray for him but do not mention school to him. He knows it is there.
There are natural hormone replacements that can help. If you have a health food store nearby, talk to someone there. I take black cohosh and it is working nicely. I am 53 so I know what you are going through hormonally. When your hormones are in balance, you will feel better in all areas and the suggested changes will come easier.
As for the empty nest and the alcoholic husband, take care of yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. Do what you enjoy with people who are fun to be with. You will find that the companionship of upbeat people will soothe your feelings of loss. Give yourself what you want by giving it to others. If you want hugs, give them. If you want conversation, join a book club. If you want nature, go to a park and walk where other people are walking. If you enjoy the youth ministry, get back into it. You will find your needs are being met.
Your son and husband are making choices for what they want. You do the same for yourself. All these suggestions are easier said than done, but better to do it that to continue in sadness and loss. You are worth it! HTH
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J.J. answers from Houston on November 03, 2009
I underrstand how you feel. I lived alone for the first time when I was 46 years old. I went through a divorce after 22 years of marriage. Both of my children were grown up and gone and I had a very difficult time adjusting to being alone. I was lonely and depressed. It took a little bit of time, but I am finally at a point where I love living alone and not being responsible for or to anyone.
I think I managed this by really developing my relationship with God. I go to church every week, I work in the nursery at church, I mentor a couple of young women in my church and I read my Bible every day. I bought a one year Bible. This is my third year of trying to read it through. I learn more about God and how much I have been blessed through all of this. I also spend a lot of time reading other books that are helping me to understand where I fit into God's plan. I know this is a difficult time for you, but hang in there. Trust God. He will not let you fall. He will either give you wings and teach you how to fly or He will catch you. I will be praying for you.
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T.J. answers from College Station on November 03, 2009
Get out, Get out, Get out....get God in your life and do what makes you happy...it is your turn.
I didnt say get a divorce, but you need to show yourself that you can move on, be independent and work on your life and take care of yourslef, because no one else will. I have a friend with this same problem and she was so scared, and one day she said enough and got her own apartment and does for herself and it loving it and i have never seen her so happy and free, she is still married and they are working on it, yet she had the added bonus of controling and obsessed as well. Your life is very valuable, we always want what is best for our kids but they have to fall once in a while, he is 22 not 2, take advantage of the fact he is not there, move on........BEST OF LUCK!!!!!
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S.H. answers from Houston on November 03, 2009
Bless your heart. I totally understand your frustration, sadness, overload. My empty nest took place when our mentally handicapped son moved into a group home several years ago. I cried every night, so afraid that he wouldn't be able to adjust or, worse, that he would think we abandoned him.
You know, it seems that the time in our lives when our bodies are starting to hand us more than we ever wanted to handle, that our lives start to pitch in their own set of pressures. It can make you think you're losing your mind.
My advice to you would be to talk to your gynecologist about your options regarding hormone replacement. I have several friends who have gone the natural route and have done quite well. I went with HRT, and it's been an easy and effective way to handle the side effects like hot flashes, mental confusion, vaginal dryness, etc.
As for your situation with your son...I know your heart must be heavy regarding his decisions to give up on his education and to move in with his intended. But, you know, you can't live his life for him. Sooner or later he will realize what a mistake he made by stopping his schooling. Especially in this depressed economy. I hope he doesn't have to lose his job (assuming he has one) before he decides that he needs a career path. Young people sometimes believe that "all they need is love". I hate to tell him, but "love" won't go very far when the bills pile up and reality comes crashing down on them.
Another suggestion--talk to your pastor and ask for his guidance. It will help you just to "vent", and it's always good having someone else praying for you every day. Get yourself taken care of, and when you do, you'll better be able to handle the issues with your family.
One last thing--call out to your heavenly Father in prayer. Tell Him all the things in your heart, all your fears and frustrations. God is faithful; He will comfort you and sustain you. Believe me, I KNOW He will--He did as much for me.
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S.O. answers from San Antonio on November 03, 2009
First of all, do not feel bad about yourself or your parenting skills because of your son's decisions! Kids do all kinds of unexpected things. Boys, under the spell of a girls love, aren't always thinking clearly. Just be there for him when things don't work out and he realizes he needs to go to school later. Don't do things for him then, just listen to "his plan" to get his life back in order.
You have a lot going on now. I think you should make an appt. with a pastor at your church and unpack all this stuff! Let a pastor pray with you and help you decide how you move forward from here: more schooling for yourself, need to go back to work?, or find an interest, hobby or activity outside the house....
Also should see your trusted Doc for a regular exam anyway, if you havent' been in a while, and discuss what's going on. There may be some medical issues there that can be helped, but you need to be very honest with your Doctor.
At our church, there is a daytime Bible study for women whose kids are in college, or grown....women who don't work outside the home and some of them do. Some of the gals are married, some divorced, some married a second time...
Look for a support group like that. It will bring wisdom thru God's word and from fellowship, too!
You are in my prayers.
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