Looking for Support During Limbo Marriage Time

It sounds to me like you are doing the right thing on your end by putting your faith in God and letting him handle this for you. God wants us to trust on him completely, especially in times of distress, but it also one of the hardest things in the world to do. I will share this though, My husband and I were lierally days away from signing divorce papers when the Lord pulled both of us to him at the same time, something I thought would NEVER happen. If you truly believe that your life is in God's hands, then please do not doubt that he can work miracles for you to, nothing is too big for him. I know its hard when you going through a valley to see his light, but he will pull you out, the hard thing is not knowing what he has waiting for you on the top. You can continue to pray for your husband, but you cannot control what he chooses to do, so just continue to keep your faith that God knows what he is doing with you, remember he tells us that "His grace is sufficient for us", it may not seem like it at times, but I found it is true. If you ever need an ear, send me an email.

Take care,
Jen

2 moms found this helpful

A good book to read in this situation is "Love MUST be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson, it should be at your local library. It is really, really good. Your line "I can be so mealy and weak" struck a chord with me and is exactly what he deals with in this book. PLEASE get it you won't be disappointed.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi J., Please go to http://p075.ezboard.com/Women-of-Passions-Heart-of-God-In...

You have to register to access the marriage restoration board but the Administrator will grant access. I have used this site before. Jan, one of the Administrators has an awesome testimony about her marriage and she is a wonderful woman of God.

Also marriagerestoration.com or org (I get a daily email on restoration from them. Today's testimonies (always on Saturdays) are inspiring. Check it out

If you want to, I can also share with you by IM, email or telephone my own testimony. I can't do it on a public forum.

I am praying for you, and in addition to the Lord, you have many brothers and sisters in Christ going through or been through what you are facing. Keep up the good fight my friend. It can be hurtful, lonely and heart-wrenching, I know I've been there.

1 mom found this helpful

hi J.. A friend of mine in Washington (state) linked me to mamasource a few months ago, but this is the first time I've posted here. Our situations are a little bit similar...I'm 49; my husband is talking about selling everything; he's said he was going to buy a motorcycle. I completely understand the scared and lonely part...and going to God to meet your personal needs. Like you, I have 3 children. Two are students at IU, and my youngest is 9. I don't realy have advice per se...just wanted to send you a *hug!*, connect with you, and say you're not alone!

1 mom found this helpful

Have you condsidered God might be leading you out of this marriage because this relationship is not healthy for YOU and that there is something and/or someone else out there that was meant for you - that would bring you peace, happiness, love, health, joy?

1 mom found this helpful

Good morning J.,
I have been in your shoes and it isn't a pleasant place to be. A few years ago my spouse was acting horrible, at that time we had been married 25years had three grown children and two grandchildren. I waited it out but like you I was scared to death to be by myself. Long story short we will celebrate our anniversary this comming Nov. and it will be 49 years. I really think now that it would have been best at the time for me to say it is time you either treat me with respect or move out but I didn't. It is great and wonderful now and I am glad we stayed together but it is pure when you are in a marriage and somene isn't happy. Good Luck and I will also keep you in my prayers. K.

1 mom found this helpful

J.,

I too have been in a marriage where I was doing all I could to be attractive and try to keep the relationship together. When you speak of the "eye rolling" that hit home... first of all we should not have to be asking for a hug. It sounds like to me your husband is trying to find happiness and he has decided perhaps that responsibility to a mature real marriage is just to much work for him... LET HIM GO... You deserve so much more than what he is willing to give.

Pursue your painting, read books, take a course in foreign language. You are not alone and there are many others watching over you right now just take baby steps and know that you will be o.k.

P.W.

(Recently divorce after 20 years and 3 boys still all at home 18, 13, and 10.)

I lived in a marriage like this. It is better to be alone and want or need a hug, but it is worse to be with that person and not have them respond to a request for a simple human touch. I could put my arms around my husband and he would put his hands in his pockets and ignore me. It HURTS and you are in a better position than I was. I was 31 and had just a high education. I supported myself and 2 sons on minimum wage. The lady who said not to let your name be put on a lease with him is smart. I would open my own checking account with 1/2 OF your joint account. Put your check to deposit into your account. And though this sounds harsh change your insurance and your will as soon as you can. Now that my children are grown, my oldest son is in charge of everything because my youngest has brain damage from a car wreck. He is in ok shape but there are things that he just does not handle well. You are a special person and should not let yourself be treated like you are not. Take care of you and let him stew in juices of his own making. Take care and treat yourself well, you deserve it.
If you need to talk my email is ____@____.com
B.

J.,

It's really simple..MOVE ON. It is evident that your husband does NOT want to be in this marriage with you. I know it may be tough for you to accept, but stop the madness and move on, believe me, this too shall pass and before you know it, God will send you someone to share your time, your love, and your family with. Companionship is essential at our age. Go for it, Girl, GET OUT NOW!!!!

J. N. (age 60)
Indianapolis, IN

Hey J.,
All these ladies have great ideas! I agree, focus on the Lord for He will give you strength! Have you ever thought about going into business for yourself? I agree with what one lady said about men finding some woman more attractive by them being assertive and independant. Maybe once you focus on something that you have passion about "other than him" maybe he will see what he is missing.

I own my own Mobile Spa business and I would love to talk to you about the opprtounity. Its a great way to earn extra money by helping others! Have fun girl time and relieve stress on you and others. Its a great feeling when you walk away!

Let me know if you are interested in being a spa diva.

www.beautipage.com/michelewells

It seems that it is time to let go of something that is no longer there. Everyone deserves attetion affecton and respect in their marraige. You need to begin to live your life thinking of your needs and happiness. This is not a practice round. We are only in this game once!!! Enjoy yourself and others as much as you can!!

Hi J.
I'm 43 Married with 5 children only one at home. I think god has given you his answer. You need to stand up to him. you need to tell him to ether love you like you should be loved or move out so you can find someone that will treat you like you should be. I really don't be live in divorce. But I don't be live someone should live unhappy. Another thing is when he tells you that he is still attracted to you, it's a way to keep you on a string. My suggestion is don't move into the apartment with him. get your own place pr stay with a friend and tell him that when he makes his mind up that is were you will be. Some time you have to go away for them to realize what there missing, or you will find out it's over. My Husband and I had a similar problem about 3 years ago, I went and stayed with a friend and about 8 days later he was at my door begging me to come home that he couldn't live without me ever sense then we have been like newly weds. We also got marriage concealing. That was the only way I would come back.
I hope every thing works out for you. Please let me know.
God bless you.
G. W.

All I can say is that you need to take care of yourself. YOu need to find a support group. And men are not good at ending things when they know someone is there to take care of them. You need to step out and live with or without him. Start going out and getting more involved helping others. He obviously doesn't appreciate what you have done and are doing. Notice I did not say anything about dating. You are not in shape to have a relationship with another man at this time. You need to start taking care of yourself physically, spiritually, and emotionally. If you give it to God he will take care of you. Have you read The Five Love Languages. Gary Chapman seems to know a lot about relationships.

I am sure I will get slack for saying this, but leave religion out of this. I do not think that God is leading you down this path or will solve all your problems by prayer. You have to control your life, not your husband or God or anyone else. I agree that you need to talk to someone, someone wh is in the same situation, a support group, or even your pastor. I am not against religion, but stop being so helpless and take some control of your life. Open your own bank account to begin with, be prepared, not helpless.

J.,

Sometimes men don't want to come out and admit it's them who wants out and wants YOU to get tired of the situation and call it quits. That was my situation many years ago.

Have you tried going to counseling? That will help you work through the anger, lonliness, etc. I will say prayers for you and I hope that everything works out.

You sound like you're doing great. Just keep in mind that God already has this part of your life planned for you. Continue praying...for yourself and your husband. My only suggestion is to treat yourself. I am a Mary Kay beauty consultant. It's a Christian company full of faith. I'd love to treat you to a free facial -- just to relax & enjoy some girl time. It'll be totally free -- no strings attached. Please let me know if I can help you out. I'll pray for you!

There is nothing worse than being lonely inside of a relationship. Believe me, being by yourself is ten times better by comparison. The house is sold and the cars -- I don't know the backstory, is this to get rid of debt? Whose? If there is cash left, do you have access to it? This apartment that your husband has planned, why didn't you have any say? What are you scared of, being abandoned? Even though he is still there, perhaps you need a reality check, because it sounds like he is already gone emotionally. What do you want for the rest of your life? Is this how you want to be treated or do you deserve much better? You need to find the courage to ask him what he wants from your relationship and tell him what you need. If he isn't willing to work with you to meet those goals, then you need to realize -- before you sign any lease that makes you fully responsible should you wake up one morning to find that he's left you holding the bag -- that the marriage is over. But I suspect you know that, you just can't say it out loud yet. But you need to make sure you have access to all of your assets immediately, and that no sums over a given amount can be withdrawn from your mutual bank accounts without your signature. Don't allow yourself to become a victim.

One more thing...art sometimes imitates life. Get a copy of the movie Why Did I Get Married? Interesting POV that might be helpful.

Your story hit home to me. I was only married 4 1/2 years when me & my husband both hit the wall that we had been building. I knew things were bad but I just kept my head up and took 1 day at a time. One weekend (which was always the hardest since it is unstructured time, we were cleaning out the garage & we were disagreeing about something (nothing major) but since we had so much tension around us, it was not easy. I asked him to come sit by me for a minute so we could figure out how to take care of a problem. He couldn't do it. At that time, I knew something had to happen. I came home one evening to what I thought was going to be, no kids & time to talk. Instead I came home to a note that said the kids were with my Mom and my husband was at his friend's house. He could not take things anymore. He was gone for 5 weeks. During those 5 weeks I found myself kneeling down asking God to help me. God first led me to a Catholic Church where I asked for help and also spoke up about my "issues" that have driven me away from church. I was told about a retreat for struggling marriages. It is offered a like 5 or 6 times a year. The next one was only days away. This was my sign. Unfortunately my husband did not jump on board so fast. It wasn't until the nwxt session that he finally admitted that we needed help. We went to the retreat. It changed my life. It opened my eyes to my feelings (which I had been out of touch with for most of my life). It also opened my eyes to my husbands feelings (which translated into other relationships; ex. Mom & Dad, Friends, Children). It also helped me gain a relationship with God Unfortunately this did not work for my marriage but PLEASE do not take that as a sign that the retreat is not good. I am much more of a rounded person since this retreat, I cannot say enough about the program. Please check it out. www.retrouvaille.org
It is a weekend retreat held at different locations - just check what is near you. You have a chance to just hang back or you can meet other couples. You do not share unless you want to. There are only minimal times for group discussion. The weekend is set up for you & your husband to work on your marriage. It then has 6-12 post weekend sessions (2 hours a week, usually on a weekend. It did help me with a relationship with God but that part is not pushed on you at all. I have always considered myself a Christian but my husband was very leary of that. My husband was very leary of the entire thing. Like I said, it did not work for me but in my defense a marriage cannot work if there is only 1 person that wants it to work. My husband chose not to do the "dirty work" of getting into his feelings. Love is a choice. I hope that you & your husband can both realize this & come to love yourselves, love Christ, and love each other. There are only 2 of those things that you have control over: Love you & Love Christ. He only has control of those same 2 things. If you get the 1st 2 - the 3rd can be found!
I will be praying for you both.
God bless,

A.

I am now a happier, more confident, mother of 2 (10 yr old son & 4 yr old daughter). Because of Retrouvaille I want to get married again, someday. I believe that I have the tools to find myself (and keep finding myself) which has helped me shape better/healthier relationships.

You need to look online and buy materials from Rori Raye. She is incredible about taking care of yourself and changing the energy between you and your partner.

K.

Do you live here in Indiana? I co-lead a wonderful class called Marriage Standers - God's Design for Your Marriage, in Carmel, Indiana. It is a support and teaching ministry to women for marriage enrichment, for those with ongoing relational marriage issues, and those struggling with separation or divorce, but who desire God's best for their lives.

If you live far away, I would love to send you the workbook for free. It is written by an amazing woman, a great mentor of mine, who took a stand in her own marriage. Her story is included. I, too, took a stand 2 years ago and watched God work a miracle in our lives.

Dear J.,
I will be praying for you. A book that I read that has helped me with my marriage and raising my kids is a book called Love Languages By Gary Smalley. It discusses what language we need to speak to our loved ones so that they feel loved. The 5 love languages are acts of service, gift giving, touch, praise, and spending time. I feel that you should give him space but also keep in touch and help him to know he is unconditionally loved.

Because OF Him,
L. M.