43 answers

Husband Won't Get a Job

I am in "what I thought was" a Christian marriage, before we married my husband and I agreed to the traditional way of things that I would be a SAHM and he would be the provider. I quit working once my first son was born. When my first born was 18 months old and I was pregnant with the second one, my husband quit his job to pursue "an at home business". Well two years later things haven't worked out for him, first off he is not disciplined enough to work the business I don’t think. He wastes time browsing the internet and doing things that he enjoys instead of providing for his family. He uses me as excuse as to why he can't work...because I'm not capable of raising my two boys in his eyes...I admit that he has me always second guessing myself. He won't allow me to take them most places by myself, like the Dr.'s office, the park, grocery store etc...because I don't pass his tests. Anyway two years have passed and we've gone through all of the savings I brought into the marriage from the sale of my condo, we've been living on credit cards for about six months and I've offered to go and start my career again, however, both of our mothers have advised against it, their opinion is that he should get a job! I really want to stay home and be with my children, but I don’t like my husband hovering over me and telling me what I do wrong with them. Expressing my concerns, pleading with and kindly coaxing him to get a job have all failed, it only makes him angry no matter how I approach it (he sees it all as nagging). At first he agreed to give the business six months of his full-time effort to get things going and then get another job to keep us going. Then I could begin where he left off and work from home…I was fine with that once I was in a place where the kids and I where on a schedule. Only now I’m doing my part (for the past six months) he’s not doing much of anything except tinkering around the house, making excuses as to why he can’t work and spending money on things we really can’t afford right now…I’m at my witts-end sometimes, I try very hard to be patient, as a Christian woman all I know to do is to pray. My husband has no male friends or Christian authority that he will be accountable to or respect, only our mothers know of what’s going on and he bully’s them too. Biblically how would you handle the situation? Oh, by the way, my husband does not have us in a church.

1 mom found this helpful

What can I do next?

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Sounds like an mentally abusive, likely physically as well, piece of sh*t to me. Drop him. NOW. For yours and your kids sakes.

BTW Just the tone of your message screams "stomp all over me please" YOU know what is good for your kids. WHy the heck do ya think we are the ones who give birth? HE doesnt have you in a church?? Why is that his job? Go find you a church! Grow a spine PLEASE! Havent you ever heard the old saying? "God helps those who help themselves"? Darlin' sitting there and talking is obviously not working.

4 moms found this helpful

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"Oh, by the way, my husband does not have us in a church."
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Ok, so why is it your "husband's" job to get your family into a church? This would be the first step I would suggest you take in order to handle this situation in a christian manner.

Within your "church family" you will find the guidance and support to help you get thru this tough time. You may even find others that have been exactly where you are today and can tell you how they made it thru.

Start by visiting different churches in your are until you find one that feels like home. Then when YOU are ready, make that next step, to commit yourself and your children to God and join that church.
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"My husband has no male friends or Christian authority that he will be accountable to or respect, only our mothers know of what’s going on and he bully’s them too."
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What advice has your mothers given you? Sometimes we have to step up to the bat and take the first step. Many times women get caught up in the whole "man is the head of the household" thing in the bible. However the bible also says that a wise man should seek the counsel of a "virtuous wife" in the handeling of his money. The bible tells women that they should be submisive to their husbands, but NOT to the point where the husbands are being abusive. As wives and mothers it is our DUTY to teach and rais our children in a loving Christian way. This cannot be done by you alone, you really need the help of a Church Family. Church is not just a place to learn about God. It is also a place for you to surround yourself with the love from God by way of other beleivers such as yourself.

God talks to us everyday, the trouble is we do not always know HOW to listen. I know that this is something I struggle with on my daily walk with God. Perhaps your answer has been there all along, you just didn't recognize it. I think you hit on your answer in the first line of your post.

3 moms found this helpful

S. you need to leave him. A good Christian husband would not treat you that way. No where in the Bible does it say it's ok to treat you like dirt. He needs counseling and you need a safe haven. Find a church you like and start going expand your circle of friends so you have support.

B.

3 moms found this helpful

S.,

God helps those who help themself. You need to look out for yourself and your children now first. To me it sounds as if you've run out of options. Tell you husband that he has a time limit to find a real job, or your going to go back to work. That if one of you doesn't get a real job your going to loose the house and everything else. Tell him it's time to grow up and supoort his family, or there will be no family to support. Every women has so much she can take. Not being able to provid for the child is one of them. I know this all sounds harsh, but he'd going to ruin everything for you and the kids more so than now. Hope this helped to incourge you to stand up to him, and not let him bully you.

2 moms found this helpful

S., I am probably about to say things you might not want to hear but maybe some opinions from the outside is what you NEED to hear.
First of all, if you don't pass any of his "tests" with shopping, recreation or Dr's visits, then that would be the first big clue to me. Make him Mr. Mom. Let him be responsible for all that AND YOU GO BACK TO WORK. Oh....he doesn't want you to? BIG DEAL ! Who does he think is going to pay bills and provide for his children? One of the two adults in your house needs to start acting like one and since he's proving he can't.....it's up to you girl. "As a christian woman, all I know to do is pray" -- I can't believe you said that !!!! Of course prayer helps, but God created us with our own minds and hearts. We have to make choices. He also gave us all strong backs so we are able to WORK for the things in life that we want and need. If prayer is all it took to solve every problem...I or anyone else would never have any. If you truly believe in answered prayers then you need to be asking for God to give you strength tonight when you sit your husband down and tell him that things are going to change and stick to your guns. He tried a home business, it didn't work, implement Plan B and get on with it. I really could go on and on but I'm sure you've heard enough. The last point I want to make is your last sentence. "Oh, by the way, my husband doesn't have us in a church." WHAT???? Why do you have to wait around for him in order to be in a church? You know, in case you haven't heard, it's been several years since women won the right to vote!!
GET YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON AND CHANGE THE PATH THAT YOUR LIFE IS TAKING! If nothing else,.....think of your boys!!!!

2 moms found this helpful

Please find a church immediately that will help you through this. My mother took us to church for years when my dad would not go. Years later, he finally went to church with us and changed a lot. But you need some weekly guidance now. If you have family in the area, go to the same church they do. God bless you as you continue to seek His best for your family.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi S.,

To start off I am also a christian woman, I have been all my life. While I will not tell you to leave your husband, I will tell you that he is manipulating you. He knows exactly what he is doing and why is he doing it? Because he can. You need to put your foot down, none of this nonsense that you cant take care of your own children. There was a response here about how we do not care what men think or value their wisdom etc. I think you have valued what he thinks and wants too much. He needs to be the MAN of your home. If you dont put an end to this you will have to go back to work and provide for your family, then what is he there for? To put you down and tell you, you cant take care of your children and browse the internet all day? Give me a break. I truly feel for you. Also, I was kindof surprized to see you wrote "He doesnt have us in a church" Why does he HAVE to have you in a church? If you love the Lord then you should seek his presence, his word and his strength. Your husband is obviously taking advantage of this situation and I am sure he is a good person after all you love and married him right? I think its just going to take some work and him learning how to act like an adult not a teenager. Seek someone who will give you Godly advice, and this advice might not be gentle, no christian leader will tell you that its ok for your husand to depend on you for financial support and on top of that put you down. These are all excuses to manipulate you. Trust me. In any case I really hope things work out for you and will pray for you, it seems you are a kind, patient woman.

1 mom found this helpful

first continue to pray and seek God. Secondly, it seems that your husband is going through a crisis and has the need to control that which is around him. He knows that he is not doing what he needs to for his family and probably feels at a lose as to how to do it..A part of him might feel as if he is a failure due to his "at home business failing"...Go back to work. You need sometime in your day were you feel worthy and like you are accomplishing things. Plus, you need income in the household. Credit cards run out quickly and they still have to be paid. Last, find a church. Your husband does not have to find one for the family. You and the children go. While going, keep praying and he will join. At church you will find valuable resources that will help enrich and guide your lives. God made us as women to be helpmates for our spouses. In that helping sometimes, we have to step up and do things for the good of the family. That does not mean you step on him.

If this is not a controlling and abusive relationship than through your prayers, your husband will come around.(if this is an abusive relationship, you and your boys need to get out quickly, you can't fix an abusive husband) You have to be truthful to yourself about what is going on and what you need to do to make it better.

1 mom found this helpful

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