March 30, 2010,
S.G. asks from Granbury, TX on May 08, 2008
Husband Won't Get a Job
I am in "what I thought was" a Christian marriage, before we married my husband and I agreed to the traditional way of things that I would be a SAHM and he would be the provider. I quit working once my first son was born. When my first born was 18 months old and I was pregnant with the second one, my husband quit his job to pursue "an at home business". Well two years later things haven't worked out for him, first off he is not disciplined enough to work the business I don’t think. He wastes time browsing the internet and doing things that he enjoys instead of providing for his family. He uses me as excuse as to why he can't work...because I'm not capable of raising my two boys in his eyes...I admit that he has me always second guessing myself. He won't allow me to take them most places by myself, like the Dr.'s office, the park, grocery store etc...because I don't pass his tests. Anyway two years have passed and we've gone through all of the savings I brought into the marriage from the sale of my condo, we've been living on credit cards for about six months and I've offered to go and start my career again, however, both of our mothers have advised against it, their opinion is that he should get a job! I really want to stay home and be with my children, but I don’t like my husband hovering over me and telling me what I do wrong with them. Expressing my concerns, pleading with and kindly coaxing him to get a job have all failed, it only makes him angry no matter how I approach it (he sees it all as nagging). At first he agreed to give the business six months of his full-time effort to get things going and then get another job to keep us going. Then I could begin where he left off and work from home…I was fine with that once I was in a place where the kids and I where on a schedule. Only now I’m doing my part (for the past six months) he’s not doing much of anything except tinkering around the house, making excuses as to why he can’t work and spending money on things we really can’t afford right now…I’m at my witts-end sometimes, I try very hard to be patient, as a Christian woman all I know to do is to pray. My husband has no male friends or Christian authority that he will be accountable to or respect, only our mothers know of what’s going on and he bully’s them too. Biblically how would you handle the situation? Oh, by the way, my husband does not have us in a church.
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M.R. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
Sounds like an mentally abusive, likely physically as well, piece of sh*t to me. Drop him. NOW. For yours and your kids sakes.
BTW Just the tone of your message screams "stomp all over me please" YOU know what is good for your kids. WHy the heck do ya think we are the ones who give birth? HE doesnt have you in a church?? Why is that his job? Go find you a church! Grow a spine PLEASE! Havent you ever heard the old saying? "God helps those who help themselves"? Darlin' sitting there and talking is obviously not working.
4 moms found this helpful
D.D. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
"Oh, by the way, my husband does not have us in a church."
Ok, so why is it your "husband's" job to get your family into a church? This would be the first step I would suggest you take in order to handle this situation in a christian manner.
Within your "church family" you will find the guidance and support to help you get thru this tough time. You may even find others that have been exactly where you are today and can tell you how they made it thru.
Start by visiting different churches in your are until you find one that feels like home. Then when YOU are ready, make that next step, to commit yourself and your children to God and join that church.
"My husband has no male friends or Christian authority that he will be accountable to or respect, only our mothers know of what’s going on and he bully’s them too."
What advice has your mothers given you? Sometimes we have to step up to the bat and take the first step. Many times women get caught up in the whole "man is the head of the household" thing in the bible. However the bible also says that a wise man should seek the counsel of a "virtuous wife" in the handeling of his money. The bible tells women that they should be submisive to their husbands, but NOT to the point where the husbands are being abusive. As wives and mothers it is our DUTY to teach and rais our children in a loving Christian way. This cannot be done by you alone, you really need the help of a Church Family. Church is not just a place to learn about God. It is also a place for you to surround yourself with the love from God by way of other beleivers such as yourself.
God talks to us everyday, the trouble is we do not always know HOW to listen. I know that this is something I struggle with on my daily walk with God. Perhaps your answer has been there all along, you just didn't recognize it. I think you hit on your answer in the first line of your post.
3 moms found this helpful
B.S. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
S. you need to leave him. A good Christian husband would not treat you that way. No where in the Bible does it say it's ok to treat you like dirt. He needs counseling and you need a safe haven. Find a church you like and start going expand your circle of friends so you have support.
3 moms found this helpful
N.J. answers from Abilene on May 09, 2008
God helps those who help themself. You need to look out for yourself and your children now first. To me it sounds as if you've run out of options. Tell you husband that he has a time limit to find a real job, or your going to go back to work. That if one of you doesn't get a real job your going to loose the house and everything else. Tell him it's time to grow up and supoort his family, or there will be no family to support. Every women has so much she can take. Not being able to provid for the child is one of them. I know this all sounds harsh, but he'd going to ruin everything for you and the kids more so than now. Hope this helped to incourge you to stand up to him, and not let him bully you.
2 moms found this helpful
A.S. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
S., I am probably about to say things you might not want to hear but maybe some opinions from the outside is what you NEED to hear.
First of all, if you don't pass any of his "tests" with shopping, recreation or Dr's visits, then that would be the first big clue to me. Make him Mr. Mom. Let him be responsible for all that AND YOU GO BACK TO WORK. Oh....he doesn't want you to? BIG DEAL ! Who does he think is going to pay bills and provide for his children? One of the two adults in your house needs to start acting like one and since he's proving he can't.....it's up to you girl. "As a christian woman, all I know to do is pray" -- I can't believe you said that !!!! Of course prayer helps, but God created us with our own minds and hearts. We have to make choices. He also gave us all strong backs so we are able to WORK for the things in life that we want and need. If prayer is all it took to solve every problem...I or anyone else would never have any. If you truly believe in answered prayers then you need to be asking for God to give you strength tonight when you sit your husband down and tell him that things are going to change and stick to your guns. He tried a home business, it didn't work, implement Plan B and get on with it. I really could go on and on but I'm sure you've heard enough. The last point I want to make is your last sentence. "Oh, by the way, my husband doesn't have us in a church." WHAT???? Why do you have to wait around for him in order to be in a church? You know, in case you haven't heard, it's been several years since women won the right to vote!!
GET YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON AND CHANGE THE PATH THAT YOUR LIFE IS TAKING! If nothing else,.....think of your boys!!!!
2 moms found this helpful
V.H. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
Please find a church immediately that will help you through this. My mother took us to church for years when my dad would not go. Years later, he finally went to church with us and changed a lot. But you need some weekly guidance now. If you have family in the area, go to the same church they do. God bless you as you continue to seek His best for your family.
2 moms found this helpful
C.B. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
To start off I am also a christian woman, I have been all my life. While I will not tell you to leave your husband, I will tell you that he is manipulating you. He knows exactly what he is doing and why is he doing it? Because he can. You need to put your foot down, none of this nonsense that you cant take care of your own children. There was a response here about how we do not care what men think or value their wisdom etc. I think you have valued what he thinks and wants too much. He needs to be the MAN of your home. If you dont put an end to this you will have to go back to work and provide for your family, then what is he there for? To put you down and tell you, you cant take care of your children and browse the internet all day? Give me a break. I truly feel for you. Also, I was kindof surprized to see you wrote "He doesnt have us in a church" Why does he HAVE to have you in a church? If you love the Lord then you should seek his presence, his word and his strength. Your husband is obviously taking advantage of this situation and I am sure he is a good person after all you love and married him right? I think its just going to take some work and him learning how to act like an adult not a teenager. Seek someone who will give you Godly advice, and this advice might not be gentle, no christian leader will tell you that its ok for your husand to depend on you for financial support and on top of that put you down. These are all excuses to manipulate you. Trust me. In any case I really hope things work out for you and will pray for you, it seems you are a kind, patient woman.
1 mom found this helpful
L.D. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
first continue to pray and seek God. Secondly, it seems that your husband is going through a crisis and has the need to control that which is around him. He knows that he is not doing what he needs to for his family and probably feels at a lose as to how to do it..A part of him might feel as if he is a failure due to his "at home business failing"...Go back to work. You need sometime in your day were you feel worthy and like you are accomplishing things. Plus, you need income in the household. Credit cards run out quickly and they still have to be paid. Last, find a church. Your husband does not have to find one for the family. You and the children go. While going, keep praying and he will join. At church you will find valuable resources that will help enrich and guide your lives. God made us as women to be helpmates for our spouses. In that helping sometimes, we have to step up and do things for the good of the family. That does not mean you step on him.
If this is not a controlling and abusive relationship than through your prayers, your husband will come around.(if this is an abusive relationship, you and your boys need to get out quickly, you can't fix an abusive husband) You have to be truthful to yourself about what is going on and what you need to do to make it better.
1 mom found this helpful
S.W. answers from Amarillo on May 09, 2008
If he's that paranoid about you not being good enough for your kids than let him stay at home and do all the house work and everything that you usually do. Go ahead and go back to work if he's not willing to buck up and be the man that he's supposed to be. The bible says a man that doesn't work should not eat(i'm paraphrasing). Although I would recommend that ya'll read "Love & Respect in Marriage", it might help him see what he needs to do as well as you. Also I would get hooked up with a good church, start attending at least every week. God bless you in your journey. I'll be praying for you.
1 mom found this helpful
S.W. answers from Austin on May 09, 2008
As I'm sure your wedding vows stated, you and your husband must support each other through the good times and the bad times. Your husband is going through one of those "bad" times. If you can work, then do it. I work full-time and my husband doesn't, so I can speak from his perspective. The lure of those "work from home" or "work 4 hours a week and make thousands!" is so appealing after a long 40-hour work week where you sit at your job wondering what you're missing at home and the time you're missing with your family. I spend more waking hours at work than I do with my husband and I hate it. I'd like nothing more than to work 20 hours a week but make the same amount of money, but such a "dream" doesn't exist (no matter what all those advertisement and pyramid scheme pushers tell you). I know that if I don't work, we'll lose everything we've worked so hard to get. I can understand why your husband is resistant to go back to a full time job. Who wants to work that much? No one!
Here's an idea. Make a timeline for yourself first. Figure out how long you'll need to work full-time to pay off this debt you're accruing. Then, go to your husband and tell him that you're willing to go back to work to support the family (especially him!) for this amount of time so that he can pursue his dream (whatever that may be - it sounds like even he's not sure). And, have him agree that at the end of this time, he'll re-enter the workforce if his dream doesn't pan out. Instead of listening to the mothers' advice, why not ask them to help watching your children when your husband has to meet with clients? And explain to your husband that he can't have it both ways - he can't have you the primary income earner and the SAH parent. He just can't have it both ways so he has to choose.
And if that doesn't work then seek counseling.
1 mom found this helpful
C.R. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
It seems like you already know what the Bible says you should be doing, and that's very good. Keep reading it, focus on what your job is - keeper at home. Be faithful, ask the Lord to show you any areas of your life that you need to work on, and concentrate on yourself. Then leave your husband alone, don't nag him, don't push him, just concentrate on your own role. If you are faithful and obediente to the Bible, you will be okay. Your husband may not be, but you and your children will be.
Find a very conservative church, one that will not push you to take over your husbands role of being a provider, and put yourself under their guidance. They will help you pray, and they will give you counsel that those of us who don't actually know you can't give.
Continue to pray. God is faithful. If you trust him, you will be alright, even if you aren't comfortable.
1 mom found this helpful
J.H. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
As a mom we are pillars of strength to our children and most of the time to our spouses. All the women that have responded so far have pointed out one big truth You are not to be a stepping stone. At some point we as moms and wives sometimes have to take on the HOH (head of house) role.
I know you would love to stay home but is that going to help your family keep the roof over your head and food in your stomachs?
If he is not going to find a place to go and worship and connect, you go you do. It is scary trust me my husband doesnt go to church and I have had to be the spiritual leader in our home. But I am trying and its ok.
You decide how you want to live and then you take control. God will not have a problem with it and you shouldnt either.
Keep your chin up. Pray about it all... and then once you feel at peace about what you should do stick to it.
1 mom found this helpful
P.D. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
Sounds tough but honestly, by this point you should either pack up or do something about it. Being christian is great but praying will only get you so far. Go out, get a job and let his lazy butt be a SAHD. That way maybe he will realize how hard it really is.You are in control of you and your kids life. Go find a church for you guys and let him stay at home. Atleast you will have accomplished something of your own and with a sense of accomplishment. NEVER let a man make decisions for you. That is your first mistake.It is not your husbands responsibility to get you in a church, it is yours. I know this may seem harsh but as a mom of 4 kids, I make sure we are happy as a family. It is teamwork. If you wait for your husband to do things for you, your kids will see this and assume that is how life is and will never take responsibility for their own lives. You are a smart woman, go out and start making smart decisions. It will change how you feel about yourself.
1 mom found this helpful
M.A. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
I was in this situation, go back to work A.S.A.P. Avoid as much dept as possible. You will not be able to talk your husband into going back to work, he will need to make that decision himself. He will be at home with the kids and it sounds like that is what he wants anyway if he believes it or not actions speak louder than words. As you work and start making money things will fall into place. He might discover going to work is better for him after staying home a few moths. Make sure he understands his duties as a stay at home Dad. Quietly listen to the mothers advise but do what’s best for your family, someone has to support the 4 of you. If he ends up not doing his part it could ruin the marriage, as long he does his part you don’t end up doing it all, BTDT!!
1 mom found this helpful
K.A. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
Hmmm. That is very tough and I'm sorry any woman is ever put in this situation. I'm not sure how to deal with your husband, I'd probably gripe and scream and yell until he did something, but that doesn't seem to be your style. I take it you haven't mastered the art of planting a seed in his head so that he thinks it's his idea or that it just didn't work this time? Hmmm, depending on your denomination, I know the Catholic, Methodist and Luthern churches have something called a Marriage Encounter, which might be very helpful! (Do a search online for it.)
I know you know this is bad, but it's not just bad now, your sons are going to see the way he treats you and think that's the way they're supposed to treat women, you need to straighten all of them out now before it gets worse. Maybe if you look for a job and then he gripes about why, have the facts of all the debt and bills and how long it's been since someone in your house had a paycheck. I don't know because I don't know him, but I'll tell you that I would have been much crazier than you are and out of there by now since things haven't changed.
I wish you luck and God bless!
1 mom found this helpful
J.S. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
God bless you for trying to stand strong and wanting to stay home, but NO MAN should EVER treat his wife with such harsh words. I could do a lot of bashing on him for that but I will not since I only see half of the story.
The most important thing is for your children to be provided for and loved. If that means you have to get a job, then you have to get a job. If your husband will not "let" you have a job, then you need to explain to him that going into credit card debt is not what you want for the family or your marriage. Debt only will cause more problems.
Does either one of your moms leave close enough to where they could watch your children so you could work? Daycare can be quite expensive for two children so I would find a mom or a good friend to watch them. Either way, it sounds like someone in your house needs to be working and actually earning an income.
Continue to pray and know that we are praying for you.
1 mom found this helpful
S.H. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
Oh, S., Bless your heart. Your story makes me very sad. I have been married for 25 very long, often hard years. And I have been tested through out those years. Like you, I too am a Christian. The only reason, I am married today is because of God's grace, and the fact I take my vows very, very seriously. My husband has thrown some real curve balls to me, not adultry or anything horrible, but stuff kinda like what your going thru. Buying things we couldn't afford, even when we were both working 2 jobs, taking me away from my children, and then he's out buying things we can't afford, sorry, didn't mean to get on about myself. I even went thru a period of time when i no longer loved him, and all i could think about was leaving him. But you know when it came down to it, I begged the Lord, Please, please let this marriage end, make him leave, I was answered with a very loud, very deafening "NO". That was not his plan for our family. And S., I stuck it out, and stayed with him, and prayed, and eventually things turned around. It wasn't quickly, it took a long time, but I'm glad i stayed. Also, if you can ever listen to Paul Sheppard, he is a fabulous pastor, you can catch him at 10am and 10:30pm on 91.7, or go to enduring truth.com. He has helped me so much. I wish you the best my sister, and will send a prayer your way.
1 mom found this helpful
M.C. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
I am so sorry that you are having this stress in your life right now. I was in a similar position about a year ago. My husband decided to start his own business and was working but the money was so inconsistent. In fact one month he didn't have any income at all. We had just had our second child and it was very stressful to me. I'm working as well but he wanted me to cut back my hours so that he could be more available to his clients. I finally told him, after being threatened with foreclosure on the house and having the power shut off for not being able to pay our bills, that he needed to get a job with steady pay and benefits or I would not be in the marriage any more. One thing that I told him, that really made him think, was that the decisions he had been making were not best for our FAMILY. That I had been supportive of what he wanted to do but that I couldn't support him in this venture anymore b/c of the financial debt we were getting into. I didn't want to divorce him but he couldn't have it both ways. He wanted me to work and be the primary provider for the family but also cut back my hours so that he could make himself available to his clients. I couldn't support that. We had some really hard months but he finally got a steady job with benefits and it's getting better. I know that one of the other posters stated that GOD wants the woman to be the keeper of the home but he also states that women should use all of their talents to support their husbands and also provide for their family. If you have a skill and are able to work go back to work. But I would also have a very serious conversation with your husband and lay it all out there. I wouldn't give him an "ultimatum" but definitely a timeline. Or the option of him staying home and you going to work. Your mom's advice and opinions are important but you and your hubby make the ultimate decision as to what is right for your family. I would also start seeking out a church on your own. If your husband wants to go then he will but you and your kids would probably benefit from the support of a church. You'll be in my prayers.
1 mom found this helpful
T.K. answers from Abilene on May 09, 2008
Christian or not sweetie, it is time to give that man of yours an ultamatum!!!
He is letting the devil lead him down a road of destruction and you are following him like a faithful wife, and it is time to stand up to him and say enough is enough!
If one or both of your moms will take you in and help with the babies so you can get a job, do it, LET SATAN SEE you are following GOD now and when your man wants to get back in the lead you will let him when he shows you that GOD is in control, not satan.
No man should dictate your relationship with God, get to church, get involved, keep busy with other Christian women, and maybe that christian man of yours will follow along!!
Bless you, and remember, if God can bring you to it, he can get you through it!!
1 mom found this helpful
J.W. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
First let me say that if you are missing a church home, go find one. If you husband isn't taking the steps, go yourself..and bring the kids. If he really doesn't want them out of his sight, perhaps he'll go.
Find a pastor or counselor and seek help right away. If talking to him (and his mother talking to him) doesn't get anywhere, I think that's a very necessary step.
Pray for the conversion of his heart. Your family is in need and you need to do what you can to provide for your family. If he doesn't consider counseling or have the desire to change, you need to pray God's direction for YOU and YOUR KIDS. I do feel that the bible says we need to put God first and our husband second; however, I don't believe it says anywhere that we have to be a doormat. God does not want you to be unhappy or your children suffer consequences.
The bible also details the roles of the husband and what he should be doing.
I will lift you up as you struggle, S., but know that He loves you and will never let you go!
From your aspect, this situation sounds very dire, seek help!
1 mom found this helpful
C.A. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
He sounds very authoritative, dictating, and unchristain like to me. Not to mention lazy, and throwing his own guilt on you and attempting to belittle you into feeling like it's your fault. How in the world(I'll be nice), can a man have a 'test' for you to pass for anything let alone taking your own kids to the Dr.??? I'm glad you are Christian. I believe in God and pray daily. But, I don't attend church regularly, so possibly you trust the other posters who do more. I'm going to tell you my point of view woman to woman simply. As a human being, respect yourself. I don't believe God would want us to sit and be disrespected and walked all over and stay with men who didn't provide for their families and verbally and emotionally abused us. Not to mention your children growing up thinking that is how it should be. It's like the blonde joke with the blonde who was a single mother and prayed daily to the Lord to please let her win the lottery, finally one day the Lord answered down to her "look lady, I'm trying to help you but will you buy a ticket"""! The moral being, you can pray daily, but God can only give you the tools and brains to know what you need to do-don't walk around expecting this miracle to happen one day with your husband rising one morning into this respecting, responsible, loving man. You've been married 5 years. Suggest counseling, and tell him what you need from him. If he doesn't respect you, you would not be 'unchristianly' to move on with your life respecting yourself, and letting your son's know that his behavior is inappopriate for a grown man with a family he needs to be providing for equally in finances and emotion.
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L.G. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
You have had lots of responses, but I just couldn't let this one go. When I read the comment about your husband not having you in church, it just crushed me. Don't wait on him. Do you want him to guide you to eternity, or would you rather guide him? Think about your boys, it is your job as a parent to guide them to the eternal life that they will live. Be an example to your husband, pray alot. He soon will follow. If he doesn't, then know in your heart that you did all you could to guide him. When you stand at those pearly gates be sure that you didn't take part in letting anyone (including your kids) fall away from the Lord.
When looking for a church home, look for a church that is doing what the Bible teaches, not just one that makes "you feel good". Sometimes the truth hurts. You need good examples that are following God's word to guide you through this time in your life, and to be there for the rest of your life. Pray that God will guide you in the right direction, and then listen to him. I know it is hard, because as humans we want to be in "control".
Good Luck, and you will be in my prayers!!!!!!
K.C. answers from Abilene on May 13, 2008
I think instead of criticizing you for how you raise your kids, he needs to take a look at himself and see that he is not a good father by not providing. And you should not be afraid to tell him that. If he gets defensive, you should tell him to take a look at his life and see if he's happy with it. If he's not, you need to find someone who is because you are a mother and you deserve it. YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS!
S.W. answers from Wichita Falls on May 09, 2008
sorry but God doesn't pay the bills.. leave him if he can't get a job. how much more are you supposed to take? at what point will your children start to suffer because of this?
B.M. answers from Dallas on May 10, 2008
Part of being a good husband and father is being a good provider. Find a church home yourself. You need the fellowship. Where do you live? We live in south fort worth, but go to Highridge Church in Benbrook. Would love to have you and your family visit. We have an awesome children's and youth ministry. Music is great and the pastor is really a great teacher. Keep praying God will open the right doors and your husband will walk thru them. Hang in there!
S.D. answers from Dallas on December 01, 2008
I'm sorry you are going through that. I was able to stay home for two years and have had to return as hubby's job wasn't working the way we planned. So, I understand the feeling of being kind of let down. I, too, want to spend more time with my kids. BUT...I married this man knowing he wasn't very ambitious. He does work very hard, just no desire to move up or out of where he is. And that's his choice. Sorry about rambling about me, but I see some of the same things. Yes, your hubby needs to get a job, but you might also need to buck up and work and get some counseling. Because I'm sure if you're working and he's staying home there will be resentment towards him. If there is no money coming in, the kids will suffer. Now, when you say "what you thought" was a Christian marriage, does that mean you fully talked about him being the financial resource forever? In a "Christian" marriage, is the woman supposed to stay home? That's interesting. I just wanted to take care of my kids.
Now, regarding: "my husband does not have us in a church." That statement says a lot. If he's not really a big Christian, he may not think it is that important to go to church, if you do, YOU should go. One is not better than the other because of religious choices. Only one chooses organized religion and the other does not. I'm sorry. Hubby and I have been there. But, if you talked about religion upfront before the wedding and expectations, that's different. I hope I didn't offend you (or anyone else). I really wish you good luck.
J.H. answers from Tyler on May 09, 2008
You have some guinenie concerns. I can understand your frustration. You mentioned that "your husband does not have you in a church" Would he object to you and the children going? Maybe if you start to attend he will join you. I know the husband is the head of the house and as women we what them to take the lead. But just a thought. He certainly does need some male role model/accountablity in his life. Keeping praying.
S.B. answers from Abilene on May 09, 2008
sounds to me like if he is not violent he could be before long the first steps are to make you feel incable of doing anything without him or his input , ok my advise is this start church on your own if he is very against and wont let you probly just need to leave tell him to get marrage counceling with you if you want to save the marriage and do not give in and go back until he has completed the course and shown a very marked change, you have to think about you and your boys, move out get a job and i would file for custody of my boys just in case he decides to play dirty so that you can retain custody and not him you dont want him to teach your sons how to be a man when he does not know how and will not take teachin from other christian men, i know sounds harsh but have seen too many, check with your local noah project or battered woman shelter (you can be beat up mentally)i know they can advise you what to do more, but get out get a job take care of your kids and give him nothin not even a dollar if he wants he needs to work and cancel everything with his name on it or have him taken off the accounts or if in his name take your name off if possible he will bury you in debt if you let him, and you will never get out and i am not kidding , you need to go while you can just plan it and leave do not warn him just do it, make a plan and get out when you are safely out tell him conditions file a court order to keep him away except for counseling get into a good church i prefer recovery as they have more options for help than regular churches stand up take the reins and save you and your children from a life of poverty and debt collectors, i am serious get out while you can if he changes later but you have to be absolutely sure he changed you can go back but do not tolerate him trying to isolate you from church or anything else turn off the internet if you need to, not all households have it and is free at library if you need it, if that is his real problem, if he doesnt change make a real life for you and your family one you can be proud of is not your fault he lied to you it happens a lot be ready to start over if you are lucky he will change, but if he was just a wolf out to use you for a gravy train as long as it will ride he wont good luck will pray for you god bless
M. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
I had a friend in a similar situation a few years back and never could understand it. If my husband did not have the drive to provide income for our boys and thought he was the better care taker, then I would absolutely get a job and provide for my children. However, with my personality, I do not think I could respect a man who did not trust me with my own children AND did not have the drive to find a job. Is he depressed? Does he need to see a doctor? Sounds like there is something more behind it. No matter what, your children depend on you and your husband for everything...emotionally and financially. Someone needs to step up to the plate. If it has to be you, then get started today!
M.C. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
This breaks my heart to hear of your situation. I know being a mother to two babies is a stressful enough job in itself, never mind having a husband that doesnt want to provide for his family. To me, it sounds as though you husband might be jealous of the fact that you are a stay at home mom. Maybe he feels its not fair that you get to stay home and watch soaps all day (LOL...because you know that is all SAHM do..JOKING) while he has to work. I would suggest that you do some research and find a good counselor, maybe through a church that can sit down with both of you and help you through this situation. If that doesnt work, or he is not willing to go, then I would have to say, he has no desire to help this situation. I know both of your mothers think that it is better for you to stay home, but IF he is refusing to go out and get a job and you guys have got to start having some income, then maybe you should start looking for a job yourself. Once he is home with the kids all day by hisself, with NO ONE to help him, he might see being a SAHM is a lot more work than he realises. I hope this helps.
A.G. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
The only thing I was going to suggest was to go to your pastor, but then I got to the end of the message it sounds like you do not have one. Could you go to the one who married you for counseling? I wish I had better wisdom to offer you, but wanted you to know that I lifted you and your family up in prayer today.
Your Sister in Christ,
J.H. answers from Amarillo on May 09, 2008
Sounds like he is a (controller) which is very bad for a marriage, and sometimes they do it and hide behind the man of the house, you do my rules bit. And Biblically a husband loves his wife as much as himself, trusts her cares for her like Jesus cares for the Church. Doesn't sound like he is doing any of this. You don't have to be with someone that treats you like this, or bully's you. If he doesn't trust you to even go to the store with your kids, HE has a problem. I knew of one woman that had her bags packed and told her husband that she loved him, didn't want a divorce, but couldn't live that way, and until he became responsible, etc. she couldn't live that way. He straightened up and they are still together, but she meant it if he didn't as she felt he was going to make the whole rest of their lives and children's lives miserable and non-productive if things stayed the same. And she wasn't trying to be dominering. And I personally don't think we are to stay with someone that would dominate or controll us where we can't live a good life. Sorry this isn't the kind of advice you wanted to hear, but to be a good person and do all that God intended us to do can't happen if we are in a controlling union. I hope he loves you and the children enough to step up to the plate.
P.B. answers from Dallas on May 10, 2008
What has your husband done for a trade or job?And what business is your husband trying to build?
L.T. answers from Lubbock on May 09, 2008
Bless your heart. I don't know that I have any advice. Hopefully inspiring questions that came to mind as I read your request.
Where is your husband's Dad? You said he bully's your Mom and his Mom. Men are influenced by their fathers. If his father was abusive (verbally or dominating) he has a distorted view of what a healthy marriage is. Does his father see his behavior as inappropriate? Is your husband depressed? Will he go to a doctor for a physical? Is your husband abusive? These questions are to see if anything grabs your attention.
Yes, God's plan is for the man to be the spiritual leader. Sometimes our earthly lives require temporary detours. If your husband won't go, you go. Find a church that you and your boys enjoy. Try one church for a month, then another for a month. One visit makes it hard to determine if it is the place for you. If your husband won't get a job you should. Make it clear you are happy to go to work to help the family. Since you are working outside the home he will need to do the work inside the home. Laundry, dishes, childcare, etc. This is life, not nagging or controlling.
Okay, I guess I do have advice. Please find a counselor for you. NEVER let your husband make you doubt yourself. Talk to someone to help you know the difference between truth and lies. Read Psalm 31 and Proverbs 31:10-31
I hope you hear God's words to you.
B.D. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
All I can really say is that no matter what his relationship with the Lord is that you need to keep yours going. However, I know it is difficult because of the situation I faced for a long time. My case was that my husband had a job that I know God gave him and it required him to work alot. It ended up being for a company that had some struggles and I believe God was testing my husband at the time. This all happened after 2001 when my husband and I were both layed off of jobs within 3 weeks of each other. Shortly after that happened I started having all kinds of health problems and couldn't work. My husband would apply and during the course of 3 years worked what jobs he could find but they were jobs that were really too much for him. Then God gave him this job mentioned above. I believe at this time God was testing his faith because it was through this job that my husband found out and was hired for his present job. He many times blamed God for things that happened. At first I would tell him things like: God isn't at fault you are, and even try to tell him how he should stop accusing God and start listening to him. Then I finally realized I had to stop and pray and let God do all the work in my husbands life. Some ladies in my church shared with me a bible study on "THE POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE' by Stormie Omartian. I went and purchased the book which is a 30 day study and the Study and Prayer Guide. And I also kept a journal. I went through this study and it really helped me alot. I still to this day go back to it when I have times that I feel the need to. I strongly suggest that you purchase these books and do this study. After several years of this, when I finally let go and let God work. Things begin to happen and now my husband is able to attend church every week and doesn't blame God so much anymore. You need to just really begin to pray that God would speak to him in a way that he can understand and know that it is God. I admit we had some tough times but it finally paid off. Find some christian friends that you can talk to and share with them on a regular basis of things that are happening and ask them to pray for you and your family as well. My church family has even noticed a difference in my husband. I will be praying for you in this situation and will share with you any time if you will just email me. May God bless you and yours and open the eyes of your husband to the reality of what he needs to do for his family, but again from experience don't wait on God to work in your husbands life. Get yourself and your children active in church and seek help there then pray that your husband follows. My email address is ____@____.com. I live in Alvarado, TX
A.S. answers from Lubbock on May 09, 2008
I went to church last sunday and the pastor said some very powerful words he said "Your cry is your call".Whta is your cry?Whta is your heart and mind telling you to do.Whatever it is do it.God is that little voice in your ear guiding you through life listen to him he is there you just have to listen.Times are different now men are going out hunting for food and farming to feed their families.Keeper of home now is different from then.What is home these day there a singile mom and broken families.You home is where your heart is.For you may home is your kids.You need to do what is best for them.You are a strong women and can do it.Moms always know best right?Not true!!It is your life and you decision they are not living you life you are take control pray and do what is best for your family.Make a stand dont let anyone tell you it is impossible.Stand up get up and do it dont look back and never give up.Your cry is your call!
B.P. answers from Abilene on May 09, 2008
You need to be in a church family, with or without your husband. God commanded us to assemble together for a reason -- it is to give us strength in numbers against the daily woes of life -- but you also do not want to go against what was taught of assembling. Don't just go to the closest church either. Make sure that they teach what the Bible says -- not what makes you feel good. If you have questions about this, I'll be glad to answer them for you.
You and your husband need to go to counseling. As money is an issue, I would recommend talking to the preacher of your new found church home and see if maybe he could do it or recommend somewhere that has a sliding scale. If you are in the Abilene area I can recommend some great places.
Not to be tacky, but I also wonder if he's not having some kind of mental issues (depression, anxiety, OCD, etc.). It's not "normal" for someone to act like that and a lot of times there is a true medical issue underneath that is causing behavior like this. The therapist can help you with that as well. I know from experience that my husband's behavior started to change a few years back -- after I got pregnant with our child -- and the only reason I had the strength to put up with it was the Lord gave it to me. Well, things finally came out that he had depression and OCD that neither of us knew about. He was struggling with his mind "betraying him" and took it out on me. After a therapist diagnosed it and we got him on correct meds and LOTS of therapy we are a very happy loving couple again.
Good Luck and keep praying. It sounds like your husband just needs some direction and you need some help in dealing with him. I'm sure it is fixable -- you just need the right tools to fix it and a trained therapist can help you to get them.
T.T. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
If it were me...I would tell him that he is supposed to a provider and he isnt doing it! That if he wants to be a SAHD then he can do all that comes with it!!! If you want to go back to work that is...
He has no idea what goes into being a SAHP! He does the laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, kids duties...everything! Give him two weeks trial duties! If he dosnt like it or isnt doing the job of being a SAHP then he has two weeks to find a job or he has to move out.
I also like the advice of another mom...Cancel the credit cards, move your money to another acct., pack up your things and take the kids to your moms. See how long he lasts with out your $$$ and you taking care of him. If the condo was yours before marriage...IT IS YOUR MONEY AND HE HAS NO RIGHTS TO IT!
Explain to him that you do love him but this is unexceptible. You did not marry him to support him!
Dont let him drag yall into debt...it is something that can be a "scarlet letter" on your credit for seven years!
you have been more than patient is now time to lay down the law! He is not being a husband he is being a mooch!
Good luck and keep us updated on what happends!
D.A. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
WOW! It's like reading my story all over again. Do something sooner than later. I waited for almost 4 years and like you we went through our savings, my retirement fund that was mine before our marriage AND any profit we made from the sale of our home. He became increasingly depressed and drank more and more. My husband responded to me the very same way that yours has. Everything was my fault, I wasn't able to handle anything on my own, etc. Talking to his parents didn't help much either. The truth of the matter is, I have always done fine on my own...actually did much better.
Well, after 4 years of patiently waiting and praying and hoping, we are so far in the hole I can't even see how it would be possible to get out before either of us passes on. I finally went back to work after 'asking permission' to get a job. He is working and making some money, but he's not very happy. It's always in the back of my head that he's going to quit and try another "at home business". We've been through I think 5, one of which cost us $20,000!
My advice to you is do what you would do if your husband were not even in the picture. It sounds harsh, but he's not in a good place right now and he can't get out until he's ready.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how hard it is. Please know that someone is saying a prayer for you.
T.S. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
First of all get you and your boys in church. Don't worry about your husband not going with you. You need your church family to help you thru this time. Don't let him stop you from going, if he doesn't let you take the boys, go by yourself, it will be hard, but God will help you. Continue to pray and seek God's will and don't forget to pray for your self, for strength, knowledge and understanding.
M.G. answers from Abilene on May 09, 2008
Read "Created to be His Help Meet" by Debi Pearl. If you read this book you will have your questions answered. at first you will want to throw the book against the wall but if you really want to save you marriage life, you are the only one able to do it. you cannot change you husband and do you really want to spend the rest of you life with a cold bed, alone, single mom trying to make ends meet still poor as can be all because you did the "Right Thing" and left him because he was not godly enough and was to commanding over you. S. read the book please it is amazing it is not what any woman wants to hear but it is the truth. God Bless
B.B. answers from Dallas on May 09, 2008
Wow you've got a tough one. Honestly the first thing that came to my mind when I read your message was - what a lazy man! But as I continued reading, it doesn't sound like he has male leadership to model himself after. And you have 2 small boys that are already learning from their father. The second thing that crossed my mind was the scripture about a the quiet and gentle spirit of a woman. I looked it up for you, it is in I Peter 3:1-7. I have a Women of Faith bible and it even elaborates, let me quote it for you. "Many people struggle with Scripture passages regarding women and their role in marriage. To some, these passages are countercultural. To others, they are offensive. To still others, they bring comfort by identifying the unique roles and relationships of men and women.
God has a plan for deep intimacy in husband-wife relationships. Each spouse has a part in fulfilling God's plan, working together in an inseparable partnership. When we look at Peter's teaching we find a divine model in the two-way relationship.
Submission is something that runs counter to our natural tendencies; however, it is an intrinsic part of the Christian life of servanthood, for both men and women (Mk 9:35, I Co 16:15-16, Eph 5:21). Wives are called to have a submissive spirit toward their husbands even as they to toward God. At the same time, husbands are to have a considerate spirit toward their wives and serve them even as Christ served the church, in service and in humility."
I know that all sounds well and good, but how do you begin to put it into practice? Well, you mentioned that your husband doesn't have you in a church. Have you thought about you and your sons going to church, even on your own? You may have to begin without your husband, remembering to keep praying and asking God to give your husband the desire to be the husband and father that God has intended for him to be. Of course it will not happen overnight and there may even be some rough and tough patches along the way. But my mother always told me growing up that "Nothing worth while is ever easy. If it was, everyone would be doing it."
I also have more information for you if you like, but I don't want to bombard you with stuff all at once. If you'd like more information on something that my husband and I did, please let me know and I will give you more info. Good luck and may God bless you and your family.
A.B. answers from Raleigh on March 30, 2010
Thank you for expressing your thoughts and concerns! First, I'm very sorry for what you're going through. I can't imagine that stress, fear, aggitation, and disappointment. The most difficult thing about this is, if he has no male accountability and is not involved in a local church, then that's a red flag right there. He is your spiritual head! He's supposed to, as Ephesians and Colossians teach, love you, provide for you, and wash you in the Word. He's supposed to teach you and spiritually guide you.
The only thing, at this point, other than diligent prayer, is to start taking your children to church with you. If he chooses not to come, that's God's place to punish him. Your duty at this point is the spiritual wellbeing of you and your children. I've heard of many men getting back into church (or getting saved!) because their wife and kids began going. Once you're back involved with a church, I can almost promise you that God will begin to work in this situation. God delights in vindicating even the smallest of our commitments to him. Good luck to you!