Nearly 3 Year Old Confusion

My daughter occasionally does things like this. I wouldn't describe it as confusion so much as negative--nothing is right, I want it, I don't want it, I don't really know what I want, but nothing is right. My daughter is also very verbally advanced and always has been but for her that kind of behavior was part of terrible two and threes and she is finally mellowing out at 4.5. That being said, once I realized she was in ones of these moods where nothing was right, even if she asked for it, I stopped trying to give her what she wanted and would tell her she wasn't getting ANYTHING until she could calm down and ask nicely. Timeouts never helped her calm down, they always made her worse so I either let her have her fit (preferably where we didn't need to listen to it) or had her take deep breaths so that she could get ahold of herself and start to think rationally again.

I have a few thoughts after reading your request and checking your profile. It appears this is your middle son, and there's been a new baby in the family for about the past year?

If so, you might get some great ideas and support from the book Siblings Without Rivalry. Your son could feel he's competing for your attention, and this is one way he's found that actually works. You'll want to help him find more positive means of getting the attention he craves, and be sure you're making lots of opportunities to cuddle him and laugh with him and take interest in what he's doing when he's NOT being demanding.

The fact that he seems confused may or may not be significant. If it's a control issue, he's simply relying on the behavior that gets the results. Even if it's not the connection with you he would prefer, it could be the response from you that he's learned to settle for.

But if the confusion is medical in nature, there are at least two things that could be contributing. Possible (though rare and unlikely) are disorders like epilepsy or Tourette syndrome. Somewhat more likely would be sensory processing issues. You can check out your son's behaviors and preferences on this useful checklist: http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-proces...

One other thought is that he may have other sensitivities/allergies that make him physically or mentally uncomfortable and hard to please. He might be sending out signals for help but have no real idea why, if he's just always at odds with his own body.

I have severe chemical sensitivities, and get both physical and emotional symptoms to exposures to perfumed toiletries, home cleaning products, fabric softeners and air "fresheners." In group testing situations, I have watched children go from contentedly coloring to bouncing off walls, screaming, crying, or being impossibly stubborn a minute or two after diluted substances were placed under their tongues. It would be worth checking out if nothing else works. You can try sealing all suspicious products in plastic bags and using baking soda or vinegar for most cleaning for the next 2-3 weeks, and watch for any improvements in your son. If reintroducing the products (many of which are toxic, anyway) back into the home then results in worse behavior, you'll have a possible solution to work on.

He sounds miserable to me. Does this come and go? Are there times when he can come up with the word for what he wants? If he seems OK, and then unable to use language correctly, I am inclined to suggest a neruologist and a speech and language pathologist, and a follow up with a developmental pedatrican later, as that appointment may take much longer to get into. The behavior is not typical, but you need to know what the source is. There are processing disorders that can have big concequences on the ablity to categorize information and some that make finding the information they need difficult, but it sounds like this is a pretty extreem issue, and if he is articulate otherwise, he may be so frustrated that he can't function.

I don't think you cause it yourself with bad parenting either, there is no pay off for this behavior and he is not being bratty just to be bratty. If he were getting his own way on something, well, maybe, but that is not what is going on here. Something is making him miserable.

God bless, I hope he is OK, and don't beat yourself up for feeling impatient, that would be normal under these circumstances.

M.

I don't mean for this to come across as critical or anything, so please just read it knowing I mean well.
Do you always jump when he says jump? I read your post and it seems to me there was a lot of yelling, screaming, throwing, crying going on and a lot of you doing exactly what he was yelling, screaming, throwing and crying for you to do. I know you said you put him in time out for throwing his cup into the sink, but I wouldn't have even let him get past the "yelled at me and told me to put it in the fridge." This doesn't seem to me like a problem with confusion about what he wanted to drink or a problem communicating his drink request, this reads like a child who doesn't have a handle on his emotions and throws fits in general about things to make himself feel better about other things. Was your son upset about something else earlier and maybe just used this drink temper tantrum to vent emotions he doesn't have words/outlets for? If I was caring for a child who behaved in the ways you described in your post, I would firmly let him know that throwing fits isn't the way to behave and help that child learn behaviors that are appropriate ways to deal with emotions and what behaviors/actions are inappropriate. I would talk with the child about why they are upset, while letting them know that yelling at me is not okay. I wouldn't negotiate or reward the bad behavior, but when the time-out is done and the fit is over, ask them why they were yelling/crying/throwing and give them words/actions that are appropriate when they are feeling that way. I wish you lots of luck!

A few other moms have mentioned this, and I agree with them. I think your son may be agitated because he is being allowed to run the show. (Maybe this is not the case, but it seems kind of like it, given that you gave him at least 4 beverages, which he seemed to feel no fear in spitting, throwing, etc.) My younger daughter is a very "challenging" child as well so I know how you feel. I have noticed that my daughter is easier to manage when we just cut her off at the pass. In other words, when she says, "I WANT JUICE!" I just stand there staring at her until she says, "May I have juice, please?" If there is any foot stomping or yelling rather than polite asking, then she has to go to her room to cool off (not as a punishment, as a cooling off and collecting herself). If my kids are going to act like little animals, then they don't get to be in the common areas of the house with the rest of us. They can act like little animals in the privacy of their own rooms. So I guess my point is, kids tend to be happier and keep themselves under control better when they have very firm limits. When they sense that they can push you and push you and you will continue to accommodate their whims/ demands, they become agitated. I have found John Rosemond's book "Parent Power!" to be very helpful. I also have Rosemond's bill of rights for children posted on our fridge and in both kids' rooms: http://www.rosemond.com/--RosemondsbrBill-of-Rights-for-C... - we really do live by these rules and it has made our household a happier place, even though as I said, our youngest child is "challenging" on her best-behaved days. =)

.

I think a lot of that may just be contributed to the wonderful attitudes of 3 year olds. My daughter likes to ask for something and then changes her mind after I get it. So, I just tell her "you asked for -------- and I got you ------ so that is what you get. Later, if you still want the other thing then I will get it for you." It is impossible to make them happy every second otherwise you end up waiting on them hand and foot all the time. Since you have other children, you just don't have time for that. I know you probably feel bad if you don't get him what he wants, but that is too much work for you. Good luck!!!!

It seems this started after the baby was born. I would think he is trying to fight for more attention. I would set aside some "special time" every day for each child so they don't feel like they have to fight for attention. I would also check into a child psychologist. A child Psychologist may have some ideas on how to turn the situation around in a positive manner. Positive redirection might work, but don't let him treat you like that, no matter what.
Send him to his room and give him some cool off time instead of giving in and make him ask and not demand things from you. You should always remain in control.

I make my sons both ask politely for things. One of my boys has Asperger's Syndrome as well, so I know what difficult times are and how frustrating it can be. If they are demanding of something, I will remind them once, "How do you ask?" That is all I have to say to them. Anyhow, I hope this helps a little.

D. P

I would say this is typical 2-year old behavior. I get this from my son (3 1/2 yr old) on occasion as well. But I usually only get it when he's extremely tired. So, I'm wondering if your son still takes naps? He still needs about 12 hours of sleep (some kids needs more) so if he's not getting it, I would try to rectify that situation. Being tired causes kids to be "confused" or lose reasoning powers.

Funny, I started typing this and then went downstairs and was getting my kids breakfast. I suggested a breakfast bar. My 3 yr old said he wanted one. I went to get it out of the box and he said he didn't want one, so I handed that one to his brother. He then said he DID want one so I gave him one but I asked him what color he wanted and he said all the colors. So I gave him one color and he asked about the other ones and I told him he could have more if he finished this one and he was fine with that. Because it's morning, he's not overly tired and it didn't devolve into fits.

As a last resort, if you get him enough sleep and you give him plenty of choices and he STILL acts like that - out of control, just remove him to his bedroom every time he loses control. We do it as a "timeout" not a punishment, so sometimes my husband or I stays in their room with them if they let us. When they calm down we talk about why they went to their room, etc. Sounds like his communication is good so once he has calmed down just explain that even if he is confused or frustrated, he can't yell.

THere have been a few times with this very issue, I've removed him to his room - after he switches twice and then starts to break down, I don't let it get any further than that - I just remove him to my bed or his bed, like I said. So far, it's worked to not let it get out of control and sometimes because he's tired anyways, he falls asleep. Win-win.

In any event, it's very frustrating, so good luck with getting through those terrible-threes (they say 3 is worse than 2). Just remember to give him plenty of choices when he IS fully rested so he feels like he is in control of his own life.

My son did something similar each night at bed time. He just turned 3. I have 4 kids total (ages 6, 4, 3, and 22mo). Typically, I sing to him and rub his back for a minute then lights out. What he started doing was yelling at me not to sing to him. When I would go to leave he would yell sing to me!. This went on over and over. Until he calmed down and would let me do the routine. It was extrememly frustrating and went on for several months. It's like he wanted my full attention and did not want it to end so he tried to make bedtime routine go on as long as he could. I changed up the night time routine so he had more time to wind down before bed. I also cut back on the length of his naps. I was determined not to let him run the show. After a few frustrating months that ended. So I don't think it's that strange for your son to do as you described.

That being said, I would certainly talk to your pediatrician about it. He or she would have a more complete picture of what's going on. Trust your instincts. Do you think something is really wrong? My son who did this also has a severe speech delay and had pressure in his ears. Combine the two and you have a miserable and frustrated little guy who can't communicate effectively. From what you say though, communication does not seem to be an issue.

As a side note since you have another child with a food allergy...food allergies can cause behavior issues without a doubt. Most often wheat can be the cause of a fuzzy mind and children often act out due to food. Three of my 4 kiddos have food allergies and so do I. You might check into eliminating some foods and see if this behavior ends. Best wishes!

My 7 year old does this too!! URGH!!! And it is definitely not sibling rivalry in his case(only child). Doing this for attention maybe, but on days I give him extra attention, it doesnt seem to alleviate it any. Sometimes I feel I'd like to send him back! :(

I would take him to a specialist, not sure which type. If he truly is confused like you are explaining, he needs to get checked out & treated asap. It sounds like you believe this is more of an issue than a typical 3 yr. old tantrum. Bypass your ped. if possible & go straight to maybe a neurologist or child psychologist. I know this can be scary, but God forbid there is a diagnosable issue, the earlier detected, the better. Good luck.

Captivating, isn't he? It sounds like he knows just what to do to get your full and undivided attention. This is common behavior for this age. Kids do what it takes to get what they want, but what they really want and NEED is for you to set firm limits. You are being a more "loving mommy" when you set limits and are firm on what is and is not okay. Don't allow this situation to happen over and over again. Tell him the way it is, and then walk away.

From the beginning of this situation, when you gave him the soy milk and he refused, I would have told him that is what he chose, so that is what he gets. From there it is his choice to drink it or not, but he gets nothing else. Then I would walk away and let him choose.

In my house we set up a rule..."One chance to choose." If you don't utilize this rule, and given how many choices there are, you could be going around and around forever! We set up this rule when my first went through this phase, and it worked with my second and third child as well. Give him plenty of love and individual attention when he is not acting out so he knows you care for him, but giving him strict but firm guidelines will help him learn to respect you and others as well. Don't get me wrong, this approach takes time once implemented before you will see results. However, it will be way worth it when one day you tell him how it is, and he says, "Okay."

I have to say I don't think that is typical by any means. I would take him to your pediatrician to get a more educated opinion.

Hi N.,

My daughter is also 3 and sometimes acts like this. I think it is more of a control issue than confusion. They like to think they get what they want when they want or they throw fits. I usually give my daughter two choices and she gets to pick one (like OJ or milk, or nap now or in 5 min) but always make it choices YOU like. My daughter feels like she got to make a "big girl choice" and that usually keeps the tantrums at bay. Good luck.