3 1/2 Year Old Little Boy Who Dosn't Listen

What I've learned with my daughter is to always give her a choice. If she wants something to drink, I say, "do you want milk or juice (or whatever her options are)." Then she picks. If she says, no, she wants something else, I just repeat, "you can have...what would you like?" I try to avoid the word no because as soon as that comes out of my mouth, she flips out. About 75% of the time this works. The other 25% I just remind myself that parenting isn't easy!

You need to be consistent. Whatever form of discipline you use you must be consistent. He will try you but be consistent in what you do and he will learn, it may take a while but the result will be worth it.

hi G.!
it sounds like he is just like my boys were at that age. my mother told me to give them choices but only two. for instance with the drinks, milk or water? the blue cup or the green? this gives them some control over what they recieve. you will be amazed at how this will work for you. if he gets upset then say "next time choose the green instead of the blue" then he knows that he can choose again later and that there will be a next time.
as far as the discipline goes??? just remember that time outs are to be @ 3-5min per yr of age. so 10mins would be plenty of time. you just have to be consistant. this is hard!!! i don't envy you at all. oh, make sure he is told exactly why he is in time out. with kids this little you have to be litteral.
good luck, and remember it's tough being a good mom.
michelli

This is what I've done and it works.

If I have that same milk situation, I'd tell her, "You can drink it right here and drink it like I gave it to you, or not at all." If he fights it, tell him, "Ok. Not at all...it's your choice." and put it in the fridge. Then, he'll choose it depending on how thirsty he is. Give him the alternative of NOTHING and I bet he'll start either being more specific about his requests, or he'll at least be more appreciative of it when he gets something. Either way, you win. These are tough lessons to teach...DON'T back down. If you give him something, always give him the option of NOTHING and if he throws a tantrum on the floor...walk away, but put the responsibility back on him. Those rascals know more and understand more than we think. If he truly doesn't understand now, he will learn the lesson very quickly.

I give my 4yr old daughter the chance to do the right thing by taking away one thing after another and doing it calmly. If she continues to push buttons, I tell her, "You already lost your bed time snack. Do you want me to take away your teddy too? It's your choice. Do what you're told or I'll take teddy too." I repeat what I want her to do and I count to 3 to give her the chance, and if she pushes me, I take teddy too. I'll continue to do this until she does what she's told. I put the responsibility on her. I've taken up to 5 items away from her at one time. This forses her into making the right decision by herself. (Sometimes, the things I take are physical in nature, or things like...not being able to wear a dress to school the next day, or an upcoming playdate, etc.)

Then, I'll tell her, "You can earn these back if you do what you're told." Then, the next time I ask her to do something, I'll tell her, "If you (blah, Blah), you can have one of your privledges back." She always runs to do it so that she can choose to have one of the previously taken away things. The physical items we keep up high so she can't reach them, like on the fridge or on a high dresser. Then, when she does well, we reward her with the item she chooses and then remind her about retrieving the others and continueing to listen and doing what she's told. It's hard to hold your ground, and especially to do it calmly, but it works, especially if you don't let them go too far before implementing the process.

Good luck.

They should have called them the "terrific two's" and the "terrible threes" G.. This is the hardest year of a child's life - even the sweetest kids go through rough times at the age of three. And you are right - he is WAY smart enough to handle this.

Because 3 year olds are cognitively in two worlds - that of the toddler, that of the "big" boy/girl - they are confused, frustrated and angry a lot. Although this is h*** o* the parents, it is natural and discipline is not the answer.

In order for him to grow through these years you will need to be diligent about talking through issues that are big, and not responding to tantrums over small things. Tantrums do not need discipline - they will end when the child is done having his/her feelings. Feelings are good!

Instead of focusing on what he is DOING, focus on what he is FEELING. Ask him - "Are you feeling frustrated?" These questions will help him to become emotionally literate - literally!

Discipline focuses on the behavior - Talking focuses on the feelings. You will have way more success if you allow him to have and identify his feelings.

If you miss this opportunity to help him to identify his feelings at this age, he will grow into one of those boys/men who don't care what anyone else's feelings are.

If he is getting on your nerves, tell him that you are glad he is having his feelings but that he needs to go have them in his room because you just can't handle them. This is an honest response and will most likely make the 'behavior' stop. Why? Because some feelings at this age require an audience.

Getting down to it, the third year is one of the last opportunities to instill a knowledge of the "self in relation to others". Once this year is past, those that follow will get harder without this self-knowledge.

I have a 2 1/2 yr old boy- what I have been doing to keep his behavior on track is to focus on only one or two behaviors at a time, say for a week or two, until he gets the hang of that one behavior. Then I move on to another one I want to change. For example, this week we are working on saying "I would like a drink (or whatever), please." in a nice normal voice, instead of whining or shouting "I WANT JUICE!!!!"

I just correct the behavior- when he whines I say "That sounds like whining. Try it like this:" and then I demonstrate how she should ask nicely. He doesn't get what he wants until he can repeat at least part of it back in a nice voice. Then I praise him when he gets it right by saying " Good job! I really like how you asked for that."

It also helps if you can at all possibly respond immediately when he makes a request (at least at first) since it is mostly when I am ignoring him that the bad behavior comes out as attention-getting. Just now my very over-tired son asked very nicely from the other room "I would like some juice please." I immediately stopped typing and looked at him and said, "I really liked how you asked for that: I would like some juice please." and I got him some sugar-free koolaid. If I had not responded right away, we easily could have had a meltdown.

I've done this same thing for a number of behaviors (food-throwing, hitting the dog, biting, you name it.) I always use the same formula:

Focus on ONE or two bad behaviors.
Gently correct by stating what they did ("You hit the dog.") then telling and showing them what to do instead ("We don't do that. We pet him gently like this.")
You can guide his hand if he'll let you. Then praise him for doing it right the same way. State what he did "Good job, you pet the dog gently. He really likes to be pet that way."

The important thing here is that you are teaching without having to discipline. Now if he keeps repeating the bad behavior, say he has hit the dog 3 times in a row despite you correcting him as described above, then it is time to say, "I know you can pet the dog nicely. If you hit her again, you will have to have a time-out" (or whatever discipline you decide on. Follow through, either with praise or the discipline you said depending on what they do. Make the discipline be something immediate, not something like no party on Friday.

One other thing I have done recently that has majorly improved the behavior of my son is to declare the month of September movie-free. He had been getting to watch some very good age-appropriate videos, but he had been allowed to watch them on-demand, multiple times a day, every day. The whining got to be unbearable. Since I banned all movies and tv, the turnaround has been amazing. He asked A LOT the first 3 days, and I'd just say "We aren't having any movies this month. We can read a book instead." I got a few used books with the same characters as his movies and we have been reading them quite a bit.

You said you feel like you fight all day long. I felt like that until I started focusing on just one behavior at a time. I had to let a lot of things go at first, but we are getting to most of them as we go. Try to keep calm, they feed off your anger and frustration.

One more note- he's probably ready top be done with naps altogether.

Best luck- let me know if you try it and how/if it works for you.

{{{{HUGS}}}}
Jen

Isn't it frustrating??

Drove me nuts, too. It helped when I was able to remind myself that all of the challenging behaviors on their part are normal and good and mean that they're on track. It's their job to push their boundaries and see how far they can get. Of course, it's our job to create the boundaries and then stick to them.

I've found that instead of asking my son open-ended questions it's better to give him a limited choice. e.g. What would you like to drink, versus Would you like to have milk or water? OR You may drink that at the table or standing in the kitchen, which would you like? He still feels like he has a choice and some power, but my living room carpet doesn't have grape juice all over it.

I've found myself yelling, doing ineffective time-outs, confiscating toys, et cetera. I don't think that anything is really 100% effective 100% of the time. I've also found that taking a minute to talk very quietly is just as effective as yelling (meaning sometimes very effective, sometimes only kind of)- but when it's all said and done, my son and I are both a lot happier if I do the quiet talk, versus the yelling. If things are too crazy and I can't sit down with him right away I tell him to sit and wait, that I'll talk to him as soon as I can. If he's been very naughty and I don't feel up to quiet talk I tell him that I'm too mad to talk, that he needs to have a seat and when I'm not quite so mad I'll talk with him. I think it's okay for kids to know we're mad- as long as they see that we are still in control of ourselves when we're mad. They get mad, too, might as well model how to deal with it appropriately.

Does all of this work all of the time? Nope. But it works a lot of the time, and the longer my husband and I approach issues this way, and the more consistently we do so, the more effective it's becoming.

Good luck!!

M.

He wants to be more independent and in charge of his decisions. The problem isn't him, it's you. When he says "mommy I want something to drink", it is you who is deciding what to give him and how. You are not helping him by doing that. When he asks you "mommy I want something to drink", you need to ask, "would you like milk or water?", and once he's asked that, ask him "would you like it in a cup or a sippy cup?". All the kid wants is some say in what happens. "You get to pick out which chair you sit at at the kitchen table. Please pick one out for your stuffed animal/toy/whatever he likes." Pour a pretend glass/sippy of what he says his "friend" wants to drink. As for the naps, you need to give him choices there as well. Let him decide what fun activity he gets to do after his nap, and let him pick out pajamas to wear and a book for you to read him before his nap. If you are going swimming after his nap, let him choose between wearing his swimsuit and his pajamas. If he is going to get to do a puzzle or watch a cartoon, let him select which one he gets to do after his nap. If he doesn't want to take a nap, then he doesn't get to do the fun 'after nap' stuff. (Just so you know, some kids his age just don't need naps anymore--he may be one of them!) I imagine this all could actually be a lot more fun for you by doing this stuff the way I suggest. I'm guessing you are busy with your 13 month-old and trying to juggle two kids and a part-time job--I know it can be mind-boggling. Good luck.

G., when you yell back and engage your son in this kind of behavior, you are half the problem. Remind yourself that YOU are the parent. If YOU decide that milk only gets drank in the kitchen, then you will have a thirsty little boy on your hands if he decides not to obey the rules. YOU pick the cup he now drinks out of, and where it's OK to drink it. If sometimes it's OK to drink it in the living room, and sometimes it's not, you're leaving the door open for this type of behavior. Be firm, and be consistent.

If he starts to yell, put the cup back in the fridge and walk into the other room. Let him have his tantrum. He will quickly learn he's not getting anywhere.

Hello. I am having the same problem with my son who is also 3.5 years old. I was wondering if you could please send your responses to me also.

Thanks,
Jenn

I feel for you! Both of my boys were so much worse during the 3's than the 2's. I would go with the consistency suggestion. If he misbehaves-- timeout. Even if you have to MAKE him sit there. If you stick with it, pretty soon he'll realize that you are serious and that YOU are in charge. Good luck!

I know exactly how you feel. My son had a hard time listening and so does my oldest daughter. Something I found very useful to my parenting skills was a book called LOVE AND LOGIC MAGIC by Jim Fay. It gave me methods to use that didn't require me getting upset or yelling. (which is what I grew up with) I think that some of the behavior may be typical but I know it can be really frustrating and discouraging to fight all day. The only other thing I can suggest is consistency. They sure know how to test us and if we don't stay the course we lose and they win. Good luck, hope you like the book it really did help me feel better about being a parent.

Another great source is SuperNanny. It is all about being consistent and follow through. Of course he won't sit in a timeout if he knows you aren't going to follow through. Watching the Supernanny shows you that in the beginning, it sometimes takes 20 minutes to 2 hours of putting him back in the naughty spot to show him that you are the boss and that you mean business. It's a great book and tape the show if you have to.

I'll be brief, because you have gotten a lot of good advice. The key is consistency, and just when you think the war is over, another, yet similar issue will arise, and you'll feel like you are starting over, but you're not. Each time becomes a little easier and a little shorter. 3 1/2 is not too young to understand that there are rules, but make sure that the other members of the family are modeling the same behavior that you want. They WILL notice inconsistencies. Maybe not right away, but they will.

Hang in there.

You have to start ignoring him when he is acting up. He likes the attention. Stop getting him things when he demands it, make him ASK for things NICELY before getting it for him. Its a stage that will calm down but will last a long time. But you are the boss, and you need to train him now that he is the child and you are the adult and that you run the show not him.. There will always be fighting you just have to pick your battles. Good luck

G.,

Go to the library and rent the DVD called 1-2-3 Magic. My husband and I just watched it this weekend and will be implementing tonight. I can see how I am failing miserably and why my 3 year old continues to have raging fits when he doesn't get his way. While I have not used the method in 1-2-3 Magic, a friend of mine at work has been using it on his 8 year old twins for years and it works like a charm.

Good luck

Hey G.,
Ditto on the Love and Logic suggestion. It has done wonders for me,especially the empathy technique. Altho I still have days when my patience level is too low and I get angry too quick! It's definately worth a try. Good luck, I've been there....... oh ya, I still am!!!!

Hi G.~ Thank you so much for posting this question, I am going to keep checking in on the responses you get, I am going through the same thing with my 3 year old and feel like I am running out of options. I have read a lot of them suggesting that you give your child a choice, that has not worked for me, instead worked against me. For example last night at dinner I asked my son if he wanted his brat cut in to pieces or on a bun. He picked a bun, I prepare his plate and as soon as I give him his plate he screams he wants it cut up. I feel like I can't win with him. What would you like to drink, I give him two choices and once he chooses I get it and he complains/freaks out completely that he wants the other choice. I too have tried talking calmly, reward chart, time out, yelling, choices, etc. It is at the point where my husband and I don't know what to do. My 3 year old has been torturing our 7 month old, hitting his, using him as a tool bench etc. I took my 3 year old aside after days of timeouts, and toys taken away, and had a heart to heart, within 5 minutes he was back to poking his brother!! UGH!!! Again thanks for posting the question, I can feel your pain! It's nice to know others share my situation.

G.,

I think it sounds pretty familiar if you ask me. My son turned 3 in March, and I feel like most days I spend asking him to do the same things over and over and over. It drives me nuts to ask him 6 times in a row to go put his shoes on so we can go outside! :) That said, I have been trying to be consistent and institute some rules that are easy to follow and always the same.

The example that you gave said he wants his sippy cup so he can watch TV and drink his milk. We have always had the rule, if you are drinking milk you will be at the table. No cups any place in the house except in the kitchen or at the dining room table, no exceptions. If the rules are not clear, or are bendable (meaning he can have milk in the living room sometimes) he will push limits and see when he can get away with it and when he can't. That is very normal behavior. Even when the rules are clear, it is still normal at this age for them to see if they will be consistent, meaning - he will push your buttons and limits to see if you will change them.

I would suggest the following. Get a few books at the library on development for kids that age to know what to expect. Dr Sears has some good ones. Set a few simple rules that are easy to follow and will make your life easier... what ever they are, follow them to a T. Make the punishment for not following them fair and consistent as well.

Good luck, and know that (as my sister in law loves to say) "This Too Shall Pass".

J.
SAHM to Charlie (3) Joey (21 months) and Baby Girl due Nov.

Hi G., just thought I'd let you know we've been there. I agree with Annette R. that this is a normal but trying stage. My little one didn't go through the terrible two's but we went through the "traumatic threes" I read 1,2,3 Discipline but honestly it felt like I was putting him in time outs all day long. I don't believe that's the answer here. I highly recommend the book Kids, Parents and Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It helped me to understand my son's emotions and my own and strategies that may help. It's hard to connect when you feel irritated by their behavior, but it's so important for them to feel independent and that you listen and understand them. Good luck!

G., I would recommend that you get the book, "Try and Make Me," by Levy. It will go into detail regarding some of the behaviors you are describing, and what you can do (must!) do about them. It will continue to be useful beyond preschool and into adolescence.

If you cannot get it locally or online, you could substitute, "1,2,3 Magic," but in your case I really think the first book is a better choice.

You are right to be concerned. It is essential that you establish your authority and a positive relationship with him right now. Please try to get the book right away. In the meantime, start a journal. There will be some difficult days ahead as you make changes and he is still trying the behaviors that have worked for him so far. (He will probably react by trying to do them harder and better, at first, until he accepts that it no longer works for him). Having a journal will be motivating and help you remember what has been happening (believe it or not, you will forget these daily struggles and have times that it seems you are not making progress, even when you are).

Good luck with this, you CAN turn it around and enjoy your little boy again!

J.

Hi G.! Im having a simialr issue with my 22 mo old with listening. He isnt much of a talker yet, but my issue is the TV. My husband and I can be watching the news and he will walk up to the tv and just shut it off even as we are yelling NO STOP! VERY Frustrating!!! As far as your issue with what he wants to drink, I THINK you can solve the issue with giving him choices. When he says he wants something to drink, say "ok honey -do you want Milk or apple juice, do you want it in a tippy cup or a TABLE cup" and explain a TABLE cup means he HAS to sit at the table to drink it or its gone! This way he feels in control of the situation when in fact you are in control because the 2 choices you give him should be ones you yourself can accept!!!
I hope this helps you!!!
Love L.

G.,
I don't have an answer for you, but I want you to know you're not alone. I have a VERY independent little girl who does some of the same. I jokingly tell people that she hit her 'terrible twos' at 18mo! She is now 3 and still in this stage. We're getting better, but I still count to 3 quite often... which she always waits until I'm at 2 before she does what she should. My husband remarks about it sometimes, but I tell him I pick my battles (what is more important to argue over, or I'll be fighting with her all day also). I think I will try a couple of these responses on my daughter. Good luck with your son. I hope things resolve for you soon. Let me know what works for you. I may try it myself.
~SR