How to Deal with Indecisiveness

Dear I., Just wanted to say that we are going through something similar, although in a different framework. My LO gets to watch 30 mins of DVD a day in the morn. He chooses one. then wants another after 5 mins then another etc....I am trying to teach him to choose one and enjoy his choice. there has been some crying. I just hold him when he does. I allow 2-3 changes for now. (used to be 5-6). i hope to get it to 1-2 and then...

Thus, you are not alone and I look forward to reading the other responses as well.

Take care.
Jilly

She's 2. You do NOT want to escalate this battle of wills! LOL
Seriously, why are you giving her so much say-so in these little tasks? All kids need to put on clothes, eat, drink, bathe and play.
Can't you just say "here's your milk" and hand it to her? Just say "Bath time!" and give her a bath. I don't think kids of that age need an opinion in every little thing they need to do.
And stop telling her you'll leave. This can really scare a kid.

Keep it short and simple and stop all the explaining/talking/justifying etc. When you continue to do that, you're doing exactly what she wants you to do: she probably doesn't care so much about the milk, she wants your attention.

Ask her once - do you want your milk? If she says yes, give it to her and go about your business. If she says no, then no milk and go about your business. If she throws a tantrum, grit your teeth and ignore it. She has learned that her tantruming, screaming, demanding is how she can successfully navigate because you continue to give attention to her behavior. Don't tell her you're not going to attend to her - just ignore it.

Let her learn that she needs to make a decision and stick with it and that you're not going to deal with this for 15 minutes for every little mundane choice.

She isn't mature enough for all the decisions you're asking her to make. They don't run the show, you do. In my house you get milk with meals and water in between. Don't ask her questions, tell her what it is you want from her. Hand her the glass, if she doesn't want it set it in the fridge and walk away. If there is a tantrum, put her in time out until it is over.

Ah, it isn't called the Terrible Twos for nothing!

Actually, I see this in my wonderful granddaughters sometimes. They're well over two, but they have been known to try out this behavior on me. They can change their minds with the speed of light, and I also notice that, when A would choose one thing and B would choose the same thing, A would quickly change her mind and want something else instead! Aha - the game is on! I reduce (or eliminate) their choices; it's helpful and stress-relieving. I think a one-child version of the same game may be going on at your house.

Let your little girl make decisions sometimes, within a very limited range and a very limited time frame. At other times, you make the decisions. She may not tell you (she may not know), but she will like it that she doesn't have to decide all the time. That's a big responsibility for a little girl. We want our children to learn how to make good choices, but you know as an adult that decision-making is stressful. You have to do it every day anyway; she doesn't. Not at that age. She also needs to learn to abide by your decisions, so she's actually getting a good lesson when you choose things.

Oh, and screaming gets nothing. That part of the game needs to stop right now. Asking politely might get her what she wants; screaming NEVER will. Screaming should be saved for when the house catches fire. This means you have to stop screaming as well, but you're the grownup, so you can do that. Keep your sense of humor, and make your attitude one of friendly firmness - "I love you more than anything, AND this is the way it's going to be." She'll catch on that her game is no fun any more (and then she'll think up another one!).

My daughter was doing that at 2, and will be 2 1/2 next week. I was able to break that several months ago. If offer her something, or anyone does, I make her say yes please, or no thank you. And she has to stick with it. Plus every time she asks for anything, I always correct her and have her ask may i please have ______ mom. and she does that without correcting now. It takes some time, and there will be some crying, but you have to be strong about it.

one thing to try is not going for the yes or no answers. Give her the options. Such as do you want milk or water. And let her chose which one she wants. Do you want to wear this pair of pants or this one. Do you want your bath before we read your story, or after your story. Then she is feeling like she has a choice, and she is picking. By limiting the options she has, she won't be overwhelmed.

Try and divert the attention before the tantrum starts, but when it does leave for a few minutes, and come back to divert the attention to something else.

This was a constant problem at my home as well and I certainly sympathize with your frustration! Some things that worked for me were to avoid most options and instead give my daughter a timeline, for instance with the milk I would set it in her sippy cup on the counter where she could reach it and tell her it was ready for her when she wanted it, or with baths telling her that when she is ready for a bath to let me know (within a reasonable time), or to set an expectation like "when this show is over, dinner is done, etc. you're going to have a bath". In regards to pants, that is a battle I have given up on. My only criteria regarding clothing is that it be on when we leave the house. At home I let them wear what they want; just a battle I have chosen not to have. Hope that helps some!

k

#1 trick of the trade: never ask children "yes" or "no" questions!!

Always phrase the response you're looking for by giving a choice of selections. Don't say, "do you want milk?"......say, "do you want milk or water?" By giving a choice between two items, you should be able to avoid the power play of yes/no. Unless.....of course.....she's just really into the whole game - then you'll need to switch to the "being large & in charge" mode, & just hand her the drink without verbally engaging her. As she matures, this should drop off because then she'll be sooooo focused on trying to be in charge that the waffling back & forth will be gone.

As for the temper tantrums, time to really gain control as the parent. If you see her escalating in mood/temper, then hold up your hand (like a stop sign) & clearly state to her that she needs to gain control of herself or......& then follow thru on whatever method of discipline you use - whether it be "timeout" or..... Do not let her control you thru these tantrums. Choose your method of discipline & stick to it......& she'll learn to identify/prevent/stop those tantrums. Good Luck, take charge, & Peace!

Oh boy....do you have my 16 year old daughter and she has been cloned into a toddler again? LOL.....all kidding aside, I have a grown up version of what you are currently going through except I employed certain tactic that ended the indecisive drama and turned out a well-rounded and decisive teen! It's all about choices, choices, choices. Here's where you come in. Anytime a decision has to be made and it revolves around your daughter, limit her to TWO choices and then run for the egg timer and bring it over to her. She can pick A or B and that's it. Then you say this.....the choices are A or B and if you cannot decide then Mommy is going to pick for you. Then start the timer and give her one minute. When that timer "dings" the choice has to be made. End of story. No choice means you pick and she lives with the decision. Her choice is supported by lavish praise and maybe a reward until you get the behavior under control and it fades away. As you see her using the timer and making the choices, set the timer for less each time...1 minute, then 40 seconds, 30, 20, 10....and then she will become a fast chooser. Gradually. If she makes a choice and then immediatley changes her mind, listen to why she wants to change and allow it as long as that remains the final choice. If a tantrum or flip-flopping decisions occurs.....now she gets punished and she goes right to the room or is placed on the "thinking chair" and gets 2.5 minutes of time out. EVERY TIME, no exceptions, and if she acts up in the time out or does not stay in the designated area, you start the time out all over again until she does. When the time out is over, you approach her and simply say...."I gave you 2 good choices and that was plenty. We are not going to play games and tantrums are not acceptable. Choose or lose." Hug and make up and then keep the routine going for the next choice down the road. I SWEAR this works. Not overnight, but you will see improvement pretty fast if you do this the right way and don't "cave in" to meltdowns and flip-flopping toddler choices. Take back the control and you will see your child follow your lead and also stop the indecisive behavior because she will know it doesn't please you. I've been there and I did this....now I have two very decisive and wonderful teens who CAN make good decsions and stick by them. Good luck and you can do this!

My 2.5 year old does the same thing but its mostly about food or beverage, not really anything else. Although I suppose I just don't give her a choice on most other things, like taking a bath is just, ok we're taking a bath now, get in the tub. If she is being really indecisive I just decide for her and tell her take it or leave it. I'll leave her milk on the table, end of story (she said she wanted milk then changed it to juice then back to milk, no then juice again). I think most kids are like this at some point, but it sounds like yours is playing games with you. The more of a reaction she gets out of you the more she'll keep torturing you. Just ask her the question, let her change her mind once or twice, then just decide, ok you said milk then milk it is and walk away. Let her throw a tantrum but don't play in to her games.

Also toddlers are just learning to dress themselves and love to change their clothes, my daughter changes her clothes 10 times a day, sometimes wearing her little brothers clothes. This is just about independence and them having some control. For the most part I let her wear what she wants unless we are leaving the house and she looks absolutely ridiculous. I also let her be naked at home if she really wants to, a lot of times she is hanging out in her underwear.

So let her express her independence a bit, but also let her know that you are the one in charge and if it comes down to it, you have the last say in all decisions.

My son turned 3 at the end of April and he is like that. I think it's a power struggle for them. They want to feel like they have control over something. I will ask him if he wants to do something he likes (like swimming) and he'll automatically say "no". Then he'll say "yes". Sometimes my husband and I will tell him to do the opposite of what we want him to do. I think it's just the age and she'll grow out of it. I also believe it's ok that you raise your voice from time to time. It's hard to be completely patient 100% of the time. We can only take so much :). My husband and I (he's not the Father) have struggled with differing disclipline styles. I'm not really good at discipling. He was doing what I thought was yelling but he was actually just talking "sternly" to him. It will get better. Good luck and God Bless.

LCL--thanks for asking, as I'm in the same boat with my 26 month old. I learned the trick of the "do you want milk or juice" type of choice question from a fabulous teacher at her daycare, and it does help some with this behavior. However, I'd love to hear what others do if your smarty-pants negotiator says--no! to both choices or provides a third option. That's what mine does.
Me: Do you want milk or juice with your breakfast?
E: NO--I just want toast.

I hate wasting all the food and drinks when I make the choice for her, so I often just respond that option C wasn't one of the choices and then wait for her to choose one of the options that I provided. It's exhausting, but she usually makes a decision.

I'm looking forward to 3-4 when we'll be past this, but I know then we'll be on to the next power struggle. At least I get lots of hugs in between! :)

We went through a phase like that. Our DD just turned 3. She's mostly done with it, but occasionally will still waffle, especially if she's tired. I think it's fine to let it go in the beginning, but when it becomes a power issue (let's see if I can make Mommy do this then do that then do this again), you have to put your foot down. It's tough not to lose your temper, I know! I think you're handling it well. It's frustrating, but just hang in there! The "why" phase is right around the corner. :)

I have read some of the responses below and agree with most of them. However, when my daughter went through this stage even if I gave her choices and let her make her own decisions, it still ended in her changing her mind. Here's the thing, you can't be afraid of her screaming, tantrums, or anything else she might throw your way. She is learning the art of manipulation and attention getting by changing her mind. I can't say exactly what got us through this horrible stage. Maybe it was just time and consistency, but we made her stick with her first choice no matter what. If we asked, "Would you like milk or water?" and she chose milk, that's what she got. I would respond, "Great decision! Milk is awesome!" When she changed her mind to water, the temper tantrum started and milk spilled all over the floor. I cleaned it up and stated matter of factly, "You chose milk and you spilt your milk. Now you don't have anything to drink with snack." We had decision making issues with pretty much everything big and small, but we finally had to come to the decision that NO MATTER WHAT we were going to make her stick with her original decision. The problem eventually resolved itself and now if we come to a situation where she changes her mind we can be a little bit more flexible and we can allow for it. You'll get there, just remember that consistency is key. Good luck and keep us posted!