Living with a Computer Addict

S.,
My husband and I are pretty much on separate schedules also and don't have much one-on-one time. Maybe you could schedule some family activities--put it on the calendar and stick to it. I teach a family time music class in which everyone can participate on Monday evenings. It's educational and fun at the same time. You can check out Kindermusik at my website: www.kindermusikwithsherry.com.
S.

S.,
As a counselor I see this a lot. It is time for an open conversation with him. Find out what satisfaction (no pun intended) he receives from the computer. In all probability he doesn't realize how long he is on the computer, or hwo alienated the boys feel. He's just "zoned out".
After hearing what it gives him, I would speak about how you feel when he is unavailable on your nights off, how it hurts to hear the boys share what "daddy didn't do" for them when you were at work. I'd then ASK for time with him. Plan a "date night" (doesn't mean going out....be creative and plan an at home date, if you want.) I'd also ask for specifically what you would like when he is with the boys. Then, be willing to hear his side. Is he willing? or Does he want to re-negotiate this so that he has what he wants?
Based on his responses, and the depth of your feelings, I wouldn't make any decisions in the moment. It may be time to seek out a professional, for a few sessions, to reverse this pattern. Or simply bringing the situation into the light may enable him to see it through your eyes.
Best wishes,
A.

Have you looked at the internet history files? I would do a little investigation to make sure that there are not underlying issues or addictions in play here. It is oh-so-easy to escape to other worlds relationship wise on the internet. Even if you do now suspect it you should be familiar with the websites he visits and types of email situations he has created...for both your marriage's sake and the boy's sake.

You are going to have to talk to your husband in a non-accusing way. Explain that he deserves some time on the computer, but your children and you deserve time together also. Otherwise, he will continue. My daughter and her husband broke up because of his "addiction" to computer games. He was so addicted that he hated to go to work. He's better now, but it breaks up the family. Explain that to your husband. Tell him that you deserve some time without the children, that you and he deserve time together. Even write it down, if necessary. He probably doesn't realize how much time he's spending on computer.

Hey S.,

I like e comments you have gotten so far. There is one drastic measure you could take and that is getting rid of internet in the house for a few months and work on being a family again. If his attention goes elsewhere then you have to know that there are underlying issues that need to be address if you are to have a strong relationship with your husband.

I would suggest you first approach him in a non-accusing manner about your concerns. Its not helpful to come at him with "you" statements such as "you are Always on the computer." try beginning the discussion with "I really want to spend some time doing.....with you tonight." You could even tell him the concerns the boys have verbally expressed to you about his long computer use. What is he doing on the computer anyway for that long?

Wow. Sounds like my husband! He used to be on the computer all the time, usually doing fantasy sports. This was part of a larger trend of being generally unattached to me and our family. A few months ago, I finally decided that I didn't want to stay with him if I was going to still have to live like a single mom, so I told him I was leaving if things didn't change. I made a very detailed list of what I needed from him, including less time on the computer and more time with me and my daughter. Amazingly, it has worked so far. I guess once he realized how serious I was about leaving, he decided to really make some changes.

Not sure if you're at this point. If you say you're going to leave if he doesn't change, you should mean it. He needs to know you're serious. If you're not ready to take it that far, you might still want to have a serious conversation with him and let him know that you're not getting what you need from him.

Hope this helps!

I would find out what he is doing online, is he playing a game is he emailing , looking at news etc.

If he's playing a game ask him to cut down on game time.
I personally play an online game and they can get addictive some people have to limit their time on them. In the game I play there are some things in game that can take several hours and there are other people in theses games that are dependent on you to be there sometimes. It is hard to tell them that no you can't do this or that because it takes too long.Or that you have to go in the middle of what ever it is.

Talk to him find out what is going on. Tell him you feel he is spending too much time on the computer and that the boys and you need him. Tell him it's ok for him to be on the computer some time but not when the boys need him to do something.

I'd bet he's playing something like WoW ( world of warcraft) or another MMO ( massive multiplayer online).

Find out what he's doing then go from there.