S.B. asks from Tifton, GA on March 16, 2009
Living with a Computer Addict
Ok I know that I am on the computer also like right now but I only spend maybe 2 hrs a day on it and that's all because I am really trying to stay awake while taking care of my twins, but my husband on the other hand, comes home from work and gets straight on the computer and when I get up he is still on the computer and the boys are always like daddy didnt let us do this or daddy didnt get us this and I am just sick and tried of it. On my nights off he will come to bed like at 2 in the morning and then is always so tried and dont want to do anything and I only get two nights off a week. I dont know what to do anymore and I am just sick of having him come home and just stay online all day long and half the night.
So What Happened?™
My husband has got alot better with no using the computer that much now, I mean he still uses it at night but thats about the only time and the boys have got so close to their daddy that when we go and get him from work, they just leave me and go be with their daddy. Yesterday for Easter, he got out there and played ball with one of them cause the other one was being mama's boy all day but still its great to see hubby and the boys getting along alot better now. Our marriage has gotton alot stronger and better now also, we talk more and just spend more time 2gather. I have back off about it to him and it seems to be working alot better, so thanks for all the support thur this and just keep praying for us if u are.
S.C. answers from Atlanta on March 17, 2009
My husband and I are pretty much on separate schedules also and don't have much one-on-one time. Maybe you could schedule some family activities--put it on the calendar and stick to it. I teach a family time music class in which everyone can participate on Monday evenings. It's educational and fun at the same time. You can check out Kindermusik at my website: www.kindermusikwithsherry.com.
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H.H. answers from Charleston on March 17, 2009
I like e comments you have gotten so far. There is one drastic measure you could take and that is getting rid of internet in the house for a few months and work on being a family again. If his attention goes elsewhere then you have to know that there are underlying issues that need to be address if you are to have a strong relationship with your husband.
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A.R. answers from Atlanta on March 17, 2009
As a counselor I see this a lot. It is time for an open conversation with him. Find out what satisfaction (no pun intended) he receives from the computer. In all probability he doesn't realize how long he is on the computer, or hwo alienated the boys feel. He's just "zoned out".
After hearing what it gives him, I would speak about how you feel when he is unavailable on your nights off, how it hurts to hear the boys share what "daddy didn't do" for them when you were at work. I'd then ASK for time with him. Plan a "date night" (doesn't mean going out....be creative and plan an at home date, if you want.) I'd also ask for specifically what you would like when he is with the boys. Then, be willing to hear his side. Is he willing? or Does he want to re-negotiate this so that he has what he wants?
Based on his responses, and the depth of your feelings, I wouldn't make any decisions in the moment. It may be time to seek out a professional, for a few sessions, to reverse this pattern. Or simply bringing the situation into the light may enable him to see it through your eyes.
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K.S. answers from Savannah on March 17, 2009
I would suggest you first approach him in a non-accusing manner about your concerns. Its not helpful to come at him with "you" statements such as "you are Always on the computer." try beginning the discussion with "I really want to spend some time doing.....with you tonight." You could even tell him the concerns the boys have verbally expressed to you about his long computer use. What is he doing on the computer anyway for that long?
E.W. answers from Columbia on March 17, 2009
Wow. Sounds like my husband! He used to be on the computer all the time, usually doing fantasy sports. This was part of a larger trend of being generally unattached to me and our family. A few months ago, I finally decided that I didn't want to stay with him if I was going to still have to live like a single mom, so I told him I was leaving if things didn't change. I made a very detailed list of what I needed from him, including less time on the computer and more time with me and my daughter. Amazingly, it has worked so far. I guess once he realized how serious I was about leaving, he decided to really make some changes.
Not sure if you're at this point. If you say you're going to leave if he doesn't change, you should mean it. He needs to know you're serious. If you're not ready to take it that far, you might still want to have a serious conversation with him and let him know that you're not getting what you need from him.
Hope this helps!
B. answers from Augusta on March 16, 2009
I would find out what he is doing online, is he playing a game is he emailing , looking at news etc.
If he's playing a game ask him to cut down on game time.
I personally play an online game and they can get addictive some people have to limit their time on them. In the game I play there are some things in game that can take several hours and there are other people in theses games that are dependent on you to be there sometimes. It is hard to tell them that no you can't do this or that because it takes too long.Or that you have to go in the middle of what ever it is.
Talk to him find out what is going on. Tell him you feel he is spending too much time on the computer and that the boys and you need him. Tell him it's ok for him to be on the computer some time but not when the boys need him to do something.
I'd bet he's playing something like WoW ( world of warcraft) or another MMO ( massive multiplayer online).
Find out what he's doing then go from there.