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Does Your Husband Go for "Guys Weekend" Trips Without You? Why?

Hi! My husband and I have always had great communication. We truly are best friends . .. or are we? We often talk about couples we know and why they have problems etc. We have a friend who's husband takes frequent 2-4 day "guys trips" to Vegas, Arizona (golf), and even Cancun. We have always said that doing that is wrong for us. He said that guys that don't like their wives do that. He also said that is he were ever to go somewhere really fun, he would want me there to enjoy it with him. Also, spending huge amount of money on only oneself is wrong. Not to mention the whole-leave the wife home to deal with the kids while I play scenario. Well, now things have somehow changed for him. While I am showering, he comes in yesterday and says he's been invited to go golfing somewhere just outside of Las Vegas in May. I freaked out and mentioned how he goes on business trips all the time and has plenty of fun guy nights on these trips (his friends are all people he works with.) I mentioned our previous conversations about "guys weekends away" and he ignored it and countered with the fact that if I wanted to go somewhere with "Jill" (my very straight laced best girlfriend, he would never say no. What do you think moms? Is it okay? Am I just being controlling or jealous that I wasn't invited? He doesn't ever plan anything for us-I do all that . . .Basically, what are your opinions on husbands going away for a "guys weekend"?

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

I think it's healthy to have get aways from each other as long as it's a reciprocal situation. That is, there's no problem with him having guy time as long as you get time away, as well. My husband and I have a very strong marriage and I don't worry about him. He wears his heart on his sleeve and ends up telling me everything about his trip.

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Why the change of heart? My answer would be "NO". Married people should not be going for "fun" trips with their buds. If that were the case....stay single. Two thumbs down on this one.

I would say that if it is very occasionally, that it is fine but I wouldn't let it happen all the time. I would also try and schedule a "girls only" trip of just a couple of days since he told you he wouldn't say no. If it starts happening all the time, then I wouldn't allow it.

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I think it is fine if it is fair, meaning the wife gets a girl's weekend if he gets a guy's weekend. My husband has taken a baseball trip with his college buddies since college, they live all over the country now, so this is often the only time they get to see each other. They go to a different ballpark each year and usually spend a 3-day weekend seeing a couple games. This has been an important weekend for him for years, I was not going to let marriage or fatherhood keep him from maintaining close ties with his friends and having a little fun too, even if it is without me. I am willing to sacrifice 3 days a year for his enjoyment/happiness. I know and like all of his friends, so that might make a difference in how you feel about it. If this was frequent, or he was heading off to exotic vacation destinations, I might have to curb things, but that is not the case for us. I hope you can find a decision about this that you are both comfortable/happy with.
~S.

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Hi,

I agree with the posts stating it's ok. My husband and I both take trips with our friends - It makes us appreciate each other more, gives us both freedom to have some time without family responsibility and allows our kids to know mommy and daddy have a life outside of just our role with them...all healthy things if you ask me. My 14 year old neice recently said to me, "I know why you and Uncle Paul are so happy together - you have a lot of fun together but you guys also spend time with your friends - I was suprised she realized the value of that!

I would wish him a fond farewell and start making plans for a girls trip tomorrow!

Good luck,

N.

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I encourage all my friends and newly marrieds to find time for themselves,away, and to encourage the spouse to do the same. We are married, not joined at the hip. It is important to allow people to enjoy special interests on their own (or get one). My husband and I (24years) frequently take separate trips. Of course we set "hedges" to protect our marriage ahead of time and communicate openly. But, to truly be best friends we allow each other to be who we are, not just who we want the other person to be. Time apart, time together, time all as a family. Balance this and enjoy life!! Trust is crucial. Set the guidelines, talk candidly, know the limits. Start planning your next get-away now!! :)

I have done Mission trips w/ others, including my mom, and been out of contact for 12 days. That was the hardest, but most rewarding. Hubby goes on two week health/renewal trips. it is what works for YOU. Start small....debrief after talking about what worked and didn't. It is healthy to not become completely dependent on a spouse. We all need to grow!

I would like to add that even events at home can be done separately. My hub doesn't care for big social; I thrive on them. I go "alone" but with a friend, (a male classmate from kindergarten), who is "safe". He and his wife are in the same situation. We all love one another and respect the differences. This friend and I have always only been friends, so a brother. Works for all of us. Let's me have fun and "feed" myself in a healthy way while not forcing my hubby to endure a painful event. (No class reunions for him!) He can relax at home (or the bookstore!) knowing that I am safe w/ a "protector" having a enjoyable time. Again, do what works for you and your spouse. Try and try again until you strike a balance. Change can be good. :)

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I always encourage my husband to get out with the guys....he should do it more, but doesn't

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Can be a very tricky balance. For us, he takes guy weekend trips here and there, but he makes time when I need him in his workaholic schedule as well, and makes time for family all around, and allows me to do the same when I want to which is less often. He has a huge network of friends so goes on different trips with different friends and always keeps the phone on so we stay in contact here and there on the trips. The guy trips satisfy his interests that I'm not so much interested in (off-roading). And it allows him to play hard after working so hard. :) Different things work well for different couples, so best wishes determining your balance.

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Boy - You've had a lot of replies so far, and I don't have time to read them all. It seems like a few respondents, and maybe you?, are worried about an alternative motive, such as an affair or something? I think if he wanted to get away with a ladyfriend, he wouldn't be asking & planning about it 7 months in advance - he'd be doing it much sooner.

You've said he's never done this before, and so I say let him go. You have no reason to mistrust him yet that I can see. Keeping someone under lock and key all the time can lead to even more problems.

Good luck.

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I do think its a personal choice. My husband and I have done small little trips with our friends without the other.

I feel that my husband is my best friend and that there is nothing wrong with a weekend away with the girls (for me) or guys (for him). There is not a trust issue at all for us.

This past weekend, my husband went to Atlanta for his college homecoming. I didn't want to go. I stayed home with the kids. In a couple of months, I am going to Madison to meet with one of my girlfriends for a girls weekend without husbands or kids.

I am not so sure how I would feel about a Cancun trip with the guys (because I would want to do that too!).

I think (for us), it is important to be able to see our friends together as a couple and individually. Its fun and while I miss my husband when I am gone, its nice to be with my friends and get a break from being "mommy" every once in a while. I think its healthy. It has worked for us for 12 years.

I do know that it doesn't work for some couples. I have some friends who have told me that they would never let their husbands do the things that my husband does. I don't get it, but I also don't judge.

I hope you two are able to come to a decision that works best for you both.
B.

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Hi Mommy,
I would be a "sport" about it and treat his request matter-of-fact: "Oh, sure, no problem. Have a great time! You know, honey, I over-reacted the other day. PMS, you know. I'm sorry." And then I would exercise some serious self-restraint and try not to mention it again. When May draws near and he reminds you, say "Oh yeah, it's good you mentioned that - I had almost forgotten." Look him in the eyes (with a fleeting allure) and add: "I want you to enjoy yourself, and we'll see you when you get back." Maybe between now and May, subtly take things up a notch in your appearance, your style, your demeanor - seem more easygoing than normal, happier. If you appear not to dwell on this, you will come off more self-assured and confident. Maybe even arouse his "suspicion" a little. Resistance often gives us the opposite of what we really want. We've got to play the cards we're dealt effectively and strategize so each hand is a winner! Good luck, Mommy. This would bother me too!

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My husband has gone to Vegas a few times with his friends without me. He also goes on hunting and fishing weekends throughout the year. I don't mind one bit! He comes home happy and relaxed, and although I've been home with our son, I plan fun things for he and I to do. Maybe he will spend the night at someone's house one night while I have a "girls night" and the next night I'll have all the kids over at my house so those moms can go out. I think it is good for him to go away. I know he misses the carefree bachelor life, but he loves being a husband and a dad. Absence makes the heart grow fonder!

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In this case, I wouldn't make too big of a deal out of it. Guys don't usually plan trips for 7 months in the future if it secretly involves another woman, because let's face it, their attention span isn't that long. I'm not sure if fidelity was a concern of yours, but if it was, I highly doubt you have anything to worry about with this trip.

I think that some time apart is actually healthy, as long as it's scheduled as something fun, rather than a way to get away from eachother. And you are planning a trip with your friend... whether she's straight-laced or not, you'll still be out of the house for a few days I assume, and doing something fun without him. Is it his friends that you don't like? If they were 'straight-laced,' would it be easier for you?

I suggest using this as a bargaining chip so that you can have a little bit of fun on your own as well. My hubby and I have a rule that we can each go out one night a week if we want, whether it's to see a movie, get drinks with a friend, whatever. It gives us time to remember that we're still individual people, and we have an identity outside of 'Mommy and Daddy.' It doesn't mean you love your family any less, you're just taking care of yourself so that you can be the best parent possible.

Really, I wouldn't worry about it too much hun. I keep trying to get mine to go on a fishing trip with some of his guy friends, specifically so I can take a trip with my girlfriends next summer!

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My husband is a hunter/fisherman. So he is gone alot of the weekends come fall/winter and a few in the summer. I don't mind him leaving. Yes, it can be tiring dealing with the kids all by myself the whole weekend, but when I put them to bed, I can do what I want. I can eat something good and pop in a movie or tv show that I want to watch and enjoy the peace and quiet. I also take a few girls trips with either my sis and mom, or I will go to Arizona to visit my friends that live there. I enjoy getting away from the kids and hubby once in a while, so I don't give him too much ____@____.com when he leaves. It is all about what you prefer and what works for your family. I have friends that never leave the kids or always do everything together as a family. For me, getting a break is much needed and appreciated.

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I think it is great. Separation helps the heart grow fonder or whatever that saying is. Sometimes they just need to get away from everything to recharge. I understand because I feel the same way and love to just go on 'girls weekends'. We've gone to New Orleans, Mexico. I love my family and spending time with them and alone with my husband. I also like some only girl time. I know you are concerned because of what you discussed before and know you think that he is feeling like that. Did you have kids when you had this discussion? Or did you have it when you only had one child? Kids change a lot of stuff. It's not that they don't want to be with family they just also need some time with the boys. When he does go be sure to have a girls weekend planned soon.

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My husband is like yours where he usually won't go out unless Im invited, because he "has more fun if Im there". I however would love more girls only nights out. Recently my hubby and some buddies were talking about yearly trip to Cabo for deep sea fishing. For that I said, "Great!! and the wives will stay at the resort all day in the spa or at the pool." The other husbands were not so keen on the idea, but now everyone is warmed up to it, and we're planning it for this year. However, the reason I was sucessful with this, is because these guys do 2 weekend trips a year by themselves. They never go anywhere I want to, and Cabo is the only exciting destination I've heard of. I never complain about his weekends away, and shoo him out as often as he'll let me for "Guys night out's" (though he gets them more than he realizes because I go to Colorado to visit family with the kids 4 times a year and he has 7 days to himself) I rarely take girls nights, but that is because none of my girlfriends and I can coordinate schedules. Everyone else works, and has different hours. I haven't even seen one of my best friends in months. He does however send me to NYC to stay with my girlfriends once a year, and hands me a cleared credit card for the trip, which I am supposed to max out on myself (low limit mind you). I spend the most minimal amount of money on myself throughout the year. No waxing, nails, hair, clothes, shoes, jewelry nothing other than my NY trip every year.
This is ME time. I love it! I also kind of love it when my hubby is away with the guys because the kids and I have fun on our own. There's no break in the day where dad comes home, and everyone falls apart. I think it's kind of nice too, because it's a temporary deal, and kind of a vacation for the kids and I too. We miss him, and he misses us. When he gets home, everyone is happy and relaxed.
Let him go. You may be surprised by how nice it is, and how much fun it can be to miss him.

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Others may feel differently, but personally I think it's wrong. Well . . . I guess it just really comes down to what works for you two as a couple. Like you and your husband, me and my husband have had many conversations about this topic (it comes up often because our neighbors seem to go everywhere apart). And we agree that we would want to share that time together. I don't know about you, but we don't have tons of money to take a bunch of trips - and if my husband is going to Cancun, you can best believe I'm going too (smile). Our rule of thumb is that we try to take two trips per year . . . we have one family vacation, and then one vacation with just the two of us. It's just what works for us. I'm sure there are tons of couples who take separate trips and it doesn't have a negative effect on their relationship. In fact they may feel that's what helps to keep their relationships going. But for us, if there's time and money to have a 2 or 3 day get-a-way (in addition to our "normal" vacations) we choose to spend that time together. And it's worked for 15 years.

Good luck!
L.

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I actually think they are healthy and wonderful. I do "girls weekends" once a year with my best friend from high school. She lives in TX, and this is the only time we get to see each other. John stays home with Perrin, and they have a total guy weekend here, eating chips, watching cartoons, and loafing. It's great for both of us. We also do a family vacation every year, even if it's just my husband taking a few days off work and hanging out with us at home. My husband is still my best friend, but I think it's also important to have strong friendships. He has gone to TX without me to see old friends, and our marriage is very happy and secure. I do think it's a personal choice, and I'm sure you'll get a lot of different answers, but as long as your marriage is solid (and it sounds like it is) I see nothing wrong with letting him go.

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Sometimes, people need a break from life and it is easier knowing that someone is home taking care of things. For him to go on this golf trip is easy. Someone invited him and things were already planned... he was just another person tossed into a ready made vacation. I think that you should go somewhere one day too. I have been with my husband for 13 years and only once have we both taken vacations without each other. I think it was very healthy. don't give him a guilt trip and let him go and enjoy himself. This is not saying that your marriage is on the rocks. I am sure it is a good as anyone elses. Just let him go and don't give him guilties. You will regret it. Also, do not look at it as he is getting to do something fun and you are home working. You can plan something fun and have him be with the kids. Just because you have straight laced friends does not mean you cannot enjoy some free time away. Plan something with girlfriends now for next year. Last year, my friend and I went to southern Illinois to go on ghost tours and shopping. It was only a weekend, but it was nice. And, I really missed my husband and being away from him made me realize how much I loved him.
Relax Momma, this is healthy!

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I think it's healthy to have get aways from each other as long as it's a reciprocal situation. That is, there's no problem with him having guy time as long as you get time away, as well. My husband and I have a very strong marriage and I don't worry about him. He wears his heart on his sleeve and ends up telling me everything about his trip.

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I know you have gotten many replies, but felt I needed to put in my thoughts.

As a flight attendant, I have been all over the world with my friends from work. Yes, we were working but when you are left in Ireland for 8 days it is a vacation. Or Hawaii for 3, or Alaska for 4....That being said, I do TRAVEL for work, but it winds up like being on vacation too!

My husband likes to golf, he and his dad would often take a trip, for about 4 days together and meet up with my BIL and nephew. I never said no to this, although sometimes I will admit I wanted him home due to whatever was going on here. Having lost my own father awhile back I cannot say no to him spending time with his dad.

I do sometimes go on a girls trip. For my friend's 40th last year we went to the Keys for 4 days, all but one person was married, one was on her way to now being a grandma. We shopped, ate, sunbathed, and had a lot of fun. We are planning another trip next spring.

I think in a healthy relationship it is ok for you to have your friends and him to have his. And for both of you to have other interests. If he travels for work, I know it gets difficult to smile and send him off on a guys weekend. As long as that is not happening too often, why not? My husband goes for a week long fishing trip, they don't shave, they fish ALL day, again at night sometimes, and stay in a cabin where they cook for themselves. Not my idea of a vacation, and I happily send him off.

Even when i am home with the kids a week, I make it fun for them, look forward to some projects (I do a few different crafts) and I totally trust him, so why not?

As for the part where you always plan the getaways for the 2 of you, you need to let him know you'd like him to do that for the 2 of you. My hubby and i went away to the Dominican Republic for a missed 10 yr. anniversary trip (I was pregnant) and did it when our baby was about 6 mos. old and all 3 kids stayed with my mom and sis. He planned most of it, and we had a wonderful time there together.

I do not feel it is wrong for married couples to go on trips with friends, as long as it is not too often, and as long as he is available to take calls from you and the kids. My hubby is friends with married men, some of his dearest friends are quite older even, I know the worst they are doing is drinking beer and having an occasional cigar! If it truly bothers you then have an honest discussion where the feelings are coming from. You want a trip for you alone, the 2 of you, you are insecure, the money, or whatever it is. Good luck, I do know it is not easy. We have found a happy balance what works in our relationship, and it does take awhile if it has not always been this way.

I totally disagree with many of the posts here. Women, you aren't doormats and you don't deserve to be walked on. If you're going away, yourself, and having fun, then it's fair, but if not...then he's taking you for granted.

Given, every person deserves time alone, take into consideration what marriage means. It is a joining of two into one. That means he should also spend quality time with YOU alone, not his friends, and not on vacation without you in places where there are strippers and hookers.

Gallop Poll - Men who cheat - $92.6% do it on weekend getaways without their wives.

I don't control my other half, but I do think that although there is free time for both of us, separately, it is still very, very important to pay attention to the other spouse.

This woman complains that she's left alone often. He's always gone on trips with friends, late nights at work. As a woman working with control freaks, they often keep little women at home, play the field, do it right in public, because they can.

Women, you've been so brainwashed not to be controlling by the media, masses, etc., that you are forgetting your equality. Controlling and being cautious, and considerate and emotionally equal are different things.

You can't stop him from going away, and having fun, but you can make him have incentive to return to you. You can tell him to have a very nice time, and then take some return calls about hotels, babysitters, etc., for yourself.

Make it happen. Get a babysitter. While he's gone, go away and have fun. What's good for him is also good for you.

You're being controlled terribly. I hate the mindset of women who are used to being doormats. Half the women here claiming perfect marriages are so far from their husbands, emotionally, that they will never mend, because they are too free.

That isn't being clingy and it's not controlling. It's being married. And, according to anyone you speak with, the marriage should be equal.

If he has given you any reason to worry, pack your bags and go along. If it's a golf game, he can take a wife. You ARE his wife.

You are not his mother, however. Find a healthy medium in between. It works for me in my relationship.

I don't want to scare you, but I see some very negative signs in the frequency of his disappearances. They are showing "boredom" and when a marriage is so devoid of attachment that a man or woman feels that they need time apart, then it's on a rocky road.

Mommy D S,

I would calmly ask your hubby why the change of heart. Telling you he would not mind you going away with a friend is not a reason, it's his way of justifying the situation. Maybe his buddies go all the time without him and they might have worn him down about going. Does your husband like to golf? If he does, it might seem like a fun idea for him.

People change feelings all the time. He probably truly felt that going away with out you was not a good idea, but he may now feel it's ok. He might also have just been agreeing with you in the past because it was easier than to tell you how he really felt.

You asked if your just jealous and controlling. If you thought it to write it then I have to say yes you are. But it's understandable. Your jealousy is probably not that you weren't invited but because he's choosing his buddies over you. But, like another poster said, he's planning this 7 months in advance. It's not a spur of the moment trip.

I do not believe in telling your spouse NO. Marriage is a partnership between adults, he's not a child you can control. You can talk to him and find out what changed. Be excited for him, if you're not it will cause problems. How would you feel if he told you NO you couldn't do something?

I had the same issue with my DH and his week long bowling trips, but I was upset because I felt he was choosing his buddies over me. I got over it. I also started going away for a long weekend with the girls, primitave camping at Country Thunder in Lake Geneva. He had his time, I had mine. Now we can't afford two trips a year and he lets me go on mine. It's cheaper and he has come along a few times. I would like him to come with each year but he lets me have my time. He gets his time going out on sundays to watch the football games or once in a while going out after work with his co workers for a drink or two.

For me, we spend alot of time together with friends and also day to day, and it's OK for us to have our time with our friends alone. Besides being husband and wife, we are also individuals with different likes and dislikes. We respect each other enough to let each other partake in our individual likes.

Talk to him, tell him how you feel, but don't discourage his trip. Let him have some guy time. Business trips are not the same as some play time.

Good Luck.

My husband and his friends will have a "guys" weekend once a year. I have no problem because I love girls weekends. I agree with you on the money issue. The cost should be reasonable, or if not, that money can go to a nice trip for the both of you or for your family trip.

I agree with Sigrid. Perhaps I'm silly, but I liken this to the guys who think that since they work they are entitled to play, too. I would venture to stay that when I was a stay at home mom that that was harder than any job outside of the home and I worked every bit as hard if not harder caring for kids. Perhaps you should find out exactly how he would feel if you go off for a fun weekend and spend money on yourself. He is married, not single. If he had been doing this all along or before you were married, I guess I understand. But also where he is going bothers me a bit. It isn't like he is going to a retreat with a church. He is going golfing somewhere outside Las Vegas. I am sad that my husband has to leave to stay with his family far away because his dad is very ill and we can't afford for me to go so I can certainly
how upsetting this would be. I will pray he changes his mind.

Hi!

I think guys weekends/girls weekends are not only fine, they are so needed!
My husband and I are the best of friends, have a very healthy relationship, been together for 11 + yrs, with two small children. If we didn't get away from each other, what else do we talk about? The kids? Bills?
I go out weekly with girlfriends, just dinner & a movie, but I would be lost without it. Currently my husband is out with friends as I write this.

Is trust and issue for you? Because if you do not have trust, you do not have a thing.

Life is too short! Go out, enjoy being a mom, a wife and a friend!

;-) H.

I would say that while I agree with you that it is strange that he is having a little change of heart about the need/want for guys trips now, it also is generally very harmless and needed for a relationship. My husband has gone on guys trips, usually revolving around a sporting event (Bears/Sox/Hawks games wherever they are out of town, etc.) and I have no problem with it. I get a little jealous that I'm not away also (I love sports as well), but I have my time to go out also without him. I think it's very healthy to get away from everyone for a little while, for both of us. I wouldn't have too much fun with them, I am probably the only wife who really loves sports. It has to be a give and take and I would hope that he would have no problem with you having a girls weekend with any friend of your choosing, not just the "straight laced" one! I would have a calm non-accusing chat with him and explain that while you aren't trying to be controlling and want him to enjoy time away, you are just confused about the change of heart about wanting these types of trips after all he has said about them in the past. Ask for some reassurance about why he wants to go and start making plans for your own!

My hubby would always go skiing with the guys once a year. I don't usually have a problem with it, except that that is when money is usually tight, but he saves for it so that helps. Recently, he went on a golf outing for a weekend that will be a yearly thing. The wives usually get together for some fun while they are gone. Now, I do tell him that I would like to go away with my friends too. And, of course, he tells me to go. The problem? He works and I stay home, so if I go away, then I have to find a sitter b/c God forbid he takes time off for me. It is okay for himself. So, I guess I am saying that I don't mind when he goes. He works hard and puts in lots of hours and he deserves a break, but so do I. And that is what bothers me. I would go away at least once a year with friends before kids, but now, I feel guilty if I leave them. So, I think it is okay, as long as you get an opportunity to have some fun too. Even if it is night out or a day soing what you want with your friends. Good luck.

As long as they don't happen too often (I would worry about him hiding an affair)and it's only a couple days I wouldn't see a problem with it.

I say let him go. I think it's perfectly healthy for each of you to be able to go out with your own friends. My husband goes a few times a year. It's fun to hear about everything he did. An absence makes the heart grow fonder...

I know it may be hard to hear that your husband may want to spend time away from you and be with the boys BUT...I think if he asked you first he is respecting you and he wants to see how you feel about the golf outing before he makes his final decision. Obviously he wants to go. My husband and I were the same way. We said we would never go on anywhere without each other but now, 8 years later, he goes on fishing and golf trips with the boys. You need to have a little time away too. Get a few friends, the ones that make you feel young and crazy, not the ones that are stiff and boring. You will not have a good time. Maybe an old high school friend or someone who has recently been divorced. Make him a little jealous. But most of all, you need to have fun! You have a full-time job raising "both" your kids so you deserve a vacation from him(make sure he pays and have him stay home with the kids). Go on applevacations.com and check out the last minute deals they have. Once he sees you getting excited and planning out "your" trip he may have a second thought on going on his!
Good Luck!
K

I cannot speak from my own experience but I can tell you that quite a few of the guys I work with go on hunting or fishing trips together once or twice a year. The last two years they have even gone up to Canada to go bear hunting.
Basically, it has to be what you feel comfortable with and what is right for your relationship. I do agree that you need to sit down and have a heart to heart and explain what you are feeling and why. Let him tell you his point of view as well. Maybe you could even tag along as one other mom suggested. I know I would want to go to Las Vegas if my S.O. was going. Heck, invite a girlfriend and you two could have fun during the day and maybe hook up with hubby in the evenings.

it could just be nothing but that, a guys weekend out, and if it is then you need to talk to him about how you feel deserted as you alls quality time together is conconcerned and abandone as far as help with the kids, NOW if it's the OTHER thing (an affair)that too needs to be addressed right away. AND REMEMBER THIS STATEMENT, IN EITHER CASE, "IT'S ABOUT CONSIDERATION NOT CONTROL". also you might want to get you some extra curricular activities of your own.

I have no experience with this myself, my hubby usually stays local for his times out with the guys, like sporting events and such. While I feel it is so very important for each partner to have friends and get out with them, we have seen that most of our friends marriages that are in trouble, got that way when they started living independently of each other. The husband taking hunting trips, golfing trips, long weekends in Vegas. The wife going to Florida with the kids, etc... I know it can also be harmless. If you are very secure in your relationship, then I would not worry. If this type of thing, where you are doing things independent of each other, starts to become a habit, I would nip it in the bud. :)

I also have 2 boys (twins-6). My husband NEVER goes out. I have to pick a FIGHT to get them to just go out together. I stay home and clean. Believe me, if he wanted to go for a w/e and leave me ALONE, I would be thankful!
Of course, I don't want that to become a habit, so I'm better off having him here. And I'm thankful he's not out and about all hours of the night.
Can't have it both ways! Right?

Based on everything you said, I would say something is up. Remind him again of you past conversations. Then tell him that you found a sitter (have mom play along or something) and tell him that you are available to go along. See what happens. If he puts up a big stink, then I would be very suspicious. If it smells like a rat, then it is probably a rat. Be calm, cool and collected about all of it. Don't yell or lose control when discussing it because that will give him an excuse to clam up. But remind him again about your past conversations and then ask him not to go. Tell him it just isn't right and if he needs to make some lame excuse to his friends about something he forgot about, then fine, but you don't want him to go.

I feel why men choose to have "Guy Weekends" is so they can cheat or have affairs with other women they dont know and not have guilty thoughts about it.I know thats why my man goes away with his friends for 2-4 days and doesnt invite me.Like now this trip he is getting ready to go on is the second trip he will be taking with in 4 months and both times I wasnt invited and yes I think it is really messed up that they do this to us women that cook,clean, and bare their children but yet we are the ones that get sh*tted on because they are selfish people

Why the change of heart? My answer would be "NO". Married people should not be going for "fun" trips with their buds. If that were the case....stay single. Two thumbs down on this one.

The only time my husband has ever gone away without me was with a few guys to Vegas for the weekend. They all turned 40 that year and were planning the trip for a year or so prior. These were friends he has had since grade school and high school and I know all of them. I am glad he had the opportunity to do that. He works very hard.

Would he go out regularly for guys weekends? No...he would rather spend the time with me. He rarely has a guys night out and when he does it is totally harmless. These are his choices. He would prefer to be with the family on his time off.

Would I like it if he were to have weekends out regularly? Not at all. We both work hard and deserve time away from the kids. But our lifestyle is comfortable for us. There is no arguing about whether or not he is going anywhere with the guys. If the opportunity presents itself occassionaly, and for my husband it would be a hunting or fishing weekend, I would not have a problem with it. But to have him go off to Vegas, Cancun, etc...I would have issues with that.

C. T.

I would say that if it is very occasionally, that it is fine but I wouldn't let it happen all the time. I would also try and schedule a "girls only" trip of just a couple of days since he told you he wouldn't say no. If it starts happening all the time, then I wouldn't allow it.

My husband and I BOTH go our separate ways at least once a year. I scrapbook so I go away with friends for a weekend. He loves hockey and has many high school friends in MN. They travel to see away games for the Gophers.

I don't mind it at all. And as for the money thing, if YOU did your own thing, would it not be "equal" then? As for the leaving the parent with the family... sometimes a person needs alone time and space. I don't know what I would do without my biannual trip to scrapbook. Actually after the baby comes in March I will not be able to go for a while which will be difficult since I have been doing it for a few years.

That said, we do things TOGETHER a lot. We try to do as many date nights as possible, go to dinner, watch movies, and we even travel on weekends leaving the kids with my parents.

My husband travels weekly, so when we spend time together we value it. I also see how hard he works for our family and think that he does "deserve" time with his friends no matter how far away they live.

I would let him go, and then plan something special for you and a friend or a group of girls. It is fun! It might surprise you.

My husband likes to do things that I don't like to do such as, golf, fish, play hockey. He has DEFINATE interests. I have "the house and kids". They are my life and as a mother of three I find it hard to have much of a life without them. My husband does not have a problem having a life without us. It used to bother me a lot for him to go on his yearly fishing trip without a blink of his eye. I can't say that I'm totally over it, but I realize that he needs his time with his friends (which includes his dad and brothers). His youngest brother was killed 2 1/2 years ago and it made me realize that life is short and we all need to have some fun. I have started to go on girls weekends every year with my mom and sister and really have no guilt leaving him with the kids. I would feel worse if he didn't take the time himself. I think it refreshes all of us as parents to take some time for ourselves to be ourselves and not mom or wife. I always do something fun with the kids and be sure to eat out as much as possible to lighten my load. the time usually passes quicker than I think and it's not as long as I anticipate at the beginning of the weekend. You have to do what you think is right and him too. Good luck!

Girl! don't sweat the small stuff! A guys trip away is, of course, a break for him...but it is for you too! I understand your concerns, truly I do. My husband goes on a guys golf weekend every august and I actually go on a girls weekend every year in the spring. Don't look at it as a negative! It is healthy to do that sort of thing. Now, I will say that if he did it every other weekend I would be concerned. Once a year is nothing and sometimes it is needed. Especially for you, Mom, b/c you deserve it too! So, don't freak out about him wanting to go, even though you had discussions about it before. He's not going to get away from you...he just needs his guy time! And, as well, you deserve some girl time!

i think that everyone needs time away. My husband goes away twice a year on a mens retreat with our church so he can regroup. This year the girls are planning there first trip, and you better believe I'll be going. Don't worry, if your marriage is strong you have nothing to worry about. It will probably even bring you closer together- give you a chance to miss each other.

Guys need guy time just like girls need girl time. It's no different than you wanting to get away sometimes, and it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. If he were going on guy trips all the time, I would have a loving, respectful talk about needing him home more- but it's good and healthy for guys to get out. He may be your best friend, but he still needs time with guys, and maybe business trips aren't the same as relaxing and playing golf. I would think, if you get to do something with Jill then he gets to do something too. :-)

My theory is that I wouldn't ask anything of my husband that I wouldn't want him to ask of me. I CAN'T IMAGINE him saying I could not go on a girls trip.

I know the communication between my girlfriends and I are dramatically different depending on whether or not our other halves are around. AND some of the girls aren't in relationships, so its nice to spend time with them without them feeling like they need a date or something.

PLUS, what're you worried about? If your marriage is as good as it sounds in your description make sure you send him off with a kiss and a "have a good time". You've nothing to fear.

alright here is the story.. and it may contradict itself... Since my husband and I started dating, he has been going on week long (that's right, week long) fishing trips with his buddies. I am o.k. with this, because it is fishing, not some luxury vacation, that he should be attending with me. I sorta think that he does deserve to go on these trips... He works very long and hard days in a factory so that i can stay at home... Now if he were to spring up the golf trip when I was in the shower... sister sister.. hell no!!!! Can you go along.. and maybe shop or sight see while he is off golfing.. do you know the other men and their wives could you form some kind coup. Come on we are talking Vegas here.... stand your ground.. there are plenty of golf courses here in Il. that are great eg.. Cog Hill

good luck

You are likely to get advice form people on both sides of this issue. So looking at it from your standpoint, it sounds like you have a problem with him going because of the previous conversations you've had regarding this subject. You are probably afraid of what it means for your relationship. And that is completely understandable! First of all, I would suggest you talk to your husband about your concerns. Do not make it an accusatory talk...just let him know why you're hesitant about him going on the trip. I'm sure this conversation will put your mind at ease that your relationship is stronger than ever. And once you've come to that conclusion, you will then be in a better place to decide if his going on a guys trip is really something to get upset about.

This is my experience with it - purely my opinion, of course. My husband's friends used to go on guys trips several times a year - to Vegas to gamble, to another destination for an away Bears game, etc. While a few of them are still regular "Guy Trippers", most of his friends (including my husband) have cut back. They found that absence made the heart grow fonder and they really do prefer to be at home with their wives and kids. The few that still go all time...well, their wives are saints because I wouldn't put up with it. I think it becomes an issue when it's a regular occurance. But if it's once a year, or every other year (and you trust your husband - because this is the key issue here), it's no big deal. Just like we need our girlfriends, they need their guy friends. And it's not like they have purse parties, or candle parties or baby showers where they can get together. Guys just tend to plan mini-getaways.

I completely understand where you are coming from and why this upsets you. But I also think the issue isn't him actually going on the trip, but what you think it means for your marriage. So please have a good talk with your husband about it. No woman wants to feel insecure in her relationship and I highly doubt you have any reason to. So put your mind at ease and then you can decide together whether it's a trip he should go on.

Good luck!

If he's never given you reason not to trust him, then give him a huge hug, a big smile, and tell him you'd love for him to go and have some fun with his buddies. If trust is an issue between you, then frankly, he can't be trusted here or away. So I guess either way, smile and tell him to have a good time. And do your best to make your home the kind of place he never wants to be away from!

If you are best friends, have him read your question to all the moms. That will give you a perfect opening to cover all your questions. If he can't read your words, then you are not being totally honest with him. As for the trip, Vegas is one of the cheapest places to travel. (golf fees excluded) I've been there a few times with my husband and have stayed at the Hooters Hotel because it was very clean and very inexpensive. We limited his gambling to $50 bucks a night and he never faltered. The glamour of Vegas is really for TV only. You would be surprised at how old the gambling and drunks get after a day or two.

You have a few questions embedded in your posting. First, what about husbands going away for a guys weekend? My husband is a huge golfer and has a couple of long golf weekends that he has gone on every year for as long as I can remember. I know the people he goes with, he calls a few times each day, and I'm totally comfortable with it. I mean, would I rather he not spend the money? Would I rather he ask ME to go? Would I rather he stay at home and spend the time with the kids? You bet, but I think by letting go a little, you get more back.

That said, I would be more so concerned with his seemingly sudden change of heart. From your description, he had pretty strong views in the past about husbands who go away from their wives. I think this is what you need to talk about.

And if you ultimately decide you're comfortable with him going, then let him go and do something nice for yourself in return. I know when mine is gone, I personally love getting the kids to bed and getting some quiet mommy time. Last time I got some great wine, a pizza, watched the Sex and the City movie, did a face mask, and painted my toe nails. I was in heaven :) My husband hates SATC! (I know, how dare he!). And make sure you do something fun for yourself. It doesn't need to be crazy - a spa day, a scrapbooking weekend, whatever makes you happy. A little space never hurts and it's no need to distrust each other.

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!

sit down and talk with your husband on what he wants and is feeling etc.. then perhaps you can plan a girls weekend getaway. I have gone on several girl weekend getaway and so far my husband has not gone on one but I would be ok if he did. I suppose money would be another issue though. If we didnt have the money for him and I or family to go somewhere then yes, it would be wrong-

I guess my question is why do you guys not want to have any time apart? My husband and I have always been the opposite. I think it is important for us to have time with our girl/guy friends to foster relationships outside our marriage. And for us it isn't always possible for us to go away together from a childcare standpoint.

I agree with one of your earlier respondants - its o.k., but it should be recipricol in terms of duration of time away and frequency. (Admittedly, my husband has more weekend getaways than I do - but that's fine with me. Driving one-way for 12 hrs to go snowmobiling for 1.5 days with 5 other guys in blinding snow storms really doesn't appeal to me):-)

Lots of replies to this one!

You mentioned that he goes on business trips all the time - and that he has been 'invited' to go on a golf outing near Vegas. If it's work-related (the golf outing) sometimes it is necessary to participate in these things to stay networked with the right people for a career.

However because he already goes on business trips often I would not be happy about it either, I don't blame you and you are not being jealous or controlling - your instincts are telling you something does not seem right.

bottomline my response is: If it is just a guy's weekend I would be ticked off since he is already gone travelling often enough and have to insist that he not go; If it is work-related I would have to try to be understanding.

I WISH my husband would go on a weekend trip (he is such a home-body) :-D Seriously, I am always suportive of the occasional guys night out (and I like girls nights out too). Key word being OCCASIONAL.

good luck - trust your instincts.

It's important that most of your fun time together is as a couple. It bonds you and strengthens your marriage. I have three little ones under 5 and there is no way I could handle my husband gone for a weekend. Maybe in another season of life it would be okay, but only if our 'fun time' were well in place.

Basically, I think an occasional trip away is alright, if the rest of the relationship is strong, you're having fun together, there is high trust, and the place and people he is going with is appropriate. In your case, because of previous conversations, I'm sure you are shocked and a little hurt. I would ask him out on a date to discuss it. Say you want to be supportive, and give him what he needs; but (because of prior conversations) you were pretty surprised. Tell him you need a littel time to get use to the idea and ask for some more information. Ask him why he wants to go. Pin point why you are uncomfortable? Tell him you need some reassurance that you two are still best friends, and that he loves spending time with you. Tell him you feel a little jealous, and need to know your still 'all that' to him.

Then decide together if it is the most appropriate time, place, and people to go on guys time with. If you decide together that it would be okay, perhaps you could hire a babysitter for a few hours to get out yourself that weekend. And if you'd enjoy it, take hime up on his offer for a girls weekend away.

Either way, it's got to be your joint decision or someone will fight resentment. Sorry to ramble my kids are in the background.

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My husband travels A LOT. He has not gone on any strictly guys weekends but I would not object to it. If he did I would see to it that I get equal time away with a few girlfriends. I think you are frustrated because you placed such emphasis on NOT ever doing this. Sometimes things change with people's opinions of such things. Maybe his did now that the opportunity presented itself. I'd say let him go but make sure you at least have something in the works for yourself, too. My husband and I have been through a lot in the past year and I have discovered that if I let him do some fun things (poker, go out to a football game, etc.) he reciprocates with my wanting to do things. We are nicer to each other when we allow each other separate time. Or maybe let him go but then plan a nice long weekend for the two of you? God luck with it all!

I think it is ok to have a guys weekend and also for the girls to have a girls weekend occassionally. My concern for you is why all of a sudden with this trip does he want to participate...It could be very innocent or not?? Why the change.
If everything is ok and he isn't hiding anything then let him go but make sure you too plan something down the road.

I'd take issue with a whole weekend away out of state. My husband goes out sometimes with his work or college buddies, but it's just for an evening. I stay home and deal with our two kids all week long, and look forward to and really need that help on the weekends. I can handle one evening, but I think I'd have a stroke if he told me he was going to Vegas for a fun weekend without me. That's just me.

I think it is great to do a trip away once in a while,& you have to agree on how often etc. whatever terms make you comfortable...
But, most guys don't do this very often in a year's time.
Sounds like most guys take fishing, hunting, trips- not luxury
type vacations without the wives. Does he say what he does on those trips?
I'm married for 31 years & my husband would rather go away with me or other couples.

Sounds like you don't believe or trust what is happening-
maybe that's intuition trying to tell you something?
I think you should plan some getaways-

Good Luck=
Deb G.

I would have no problem if my husband took a weekend to take a guys' only trip. He would have no problem if I took a girls' only trip. I think BOTH partners deserve a break from 'reality' every once in a while, with the chance to just hang out with the guys or the girls.

Every summer I take a trip by myself to visit my friends from high school/college. It is AWESOME! I just get to hang out with the girls, talk our 'chick talk', do our 'girl thing', and just kind of escape for a few days. When it is time to go home, I'm so ready to be back with my family but I feel so refreshed, renewed and invigorated. It's a fantastic mental health booster. Basically it consists of a lot of card playing, meal eating, and wine drinking. AKA, harmless.

My husband has yet to take a 'guy trip', but if he wanted to I would be totally supportive (barring the two exceptions listed below). Quite honestly, I think he also looks forward to me leaving for my girl trip because that means he gets the house to himself and can do whatever he wants in peace and quiet, after the kid goes to bed of course.

Once you get married or are in a long-term relationship it is really easy to become 'enmeshed' with your partner, meaning that your identities start to merge and everything you do revolves around the partner. I don't think that's especially healthy, and it is very important that although partners have a lot in common they also make sure they take time by themselves to continue their hobbies or interests.

Only two things would bother me about the weekend:
#1. If, financially things were really tight, but he still insisted on going anyway

#2. Or if you suspected that 'naughty' was going to happen.

Jill. This could have been written by me. My husband and I always did things together and all of a sudden he wants to go a 3 or 4 gambling trips with his friends. He says I should go somewhere with my friends. I don't want to go anywhere without my husband. He has even started planning his business trips so he and his buddies can go to nearby casinos.
He tells me that I should be happy because all he does is gamble and go to his room. He said this is better than going away to golf every weekend like some of our friends.

I hope some one can tell both of us if we are wrong to be concerned

Every marriage is different. My husband has no interest in vacations but my son who is now 18 and I have been a couple. When we were first married we went together out east twice but of course one was our honeymoon. We have been married 24 years and not once has he ever went further than Chicago with the guys. (My option only) He is not think of you. He still whats to do things like when he was single. It is wrong!!!! He wanted to get married. When you say I do it make you a couple (as one) and if you are not happy he should not want to go without you!!! ((JUST MY OPTION))

I wish mine would LOL. Seriously now...his sudden change of heart is what would bother me. Obviously you all have defined yourselves as a couple who does not do that...so I could ttoatlly see why that would bother you. Also, how long have you all been married now? I think as time goes on it is important to define yourself outside of the marriage, as well as within it. Sometimes getting away for a few days can be energizing and refreshing for oneself, and that breathes new life into the marriage, especially if your kids are small. Now about that weekend away, maybe you should go on one. I'll tell you, I think it is good for Daddy's to deal with all of the mommy stuff while you are away. The best thing I ever did for myself was take a weeks vacation for my thirtieth birthday with my sister. My son was almost three, and it was hard for me to leave him, but I felt great when I got back, and hubby really realized what I went through on a day to day basis as a then full time working outside of the home mom. He admitted he didn't know how I did it everyday without ripping my hair out, and that was when we only had one LOL. I don't think your are being controlling and jealous, just maybe caught way off guard. I'd just let him know that you don't get the change of heart, and he took you by surprise was all, and I'd let him go, but I would want to know why first (and then I'd plan a trip for myself). Sometimes I think we need space from our partners, and I personally think that is normal, healthy and natural, as does my husband, but my husband and I have always been people who needed alone time. Getting back to the question I asked earlier, about how long you all had been married, I guess my point was that maybe he's just at a point in the relationship where he feels that it is okay to do that...that meaning comfortable enough, trusting enough, etc. I am coming up on 10 years of marriage myself, almost 12 yeasr total together, and although I am certainly no expert, have begun to understad in the last few years what other more experienced married couples have meant by "stages" and "phases" in your marriage, and that some years are great, some not so much, and some years you just need some breathing room (obviously still honoring your marriage). Sometimes I you just need to be you, not a wife, husband, mother or father, just yourself, because I think sometimes we forget who we are in the process of early marriage, because we are generally so busy laying a foundation for our marriages, and then starting our families. Sorry to ramble, I hope this offers some insight, and just ask him.

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