When Is the Right Time for Marriage Counselling?

Now, actually yesterday, is the right time.

Are you overreacting? No, underreacting. You mention that you have lost respect for your husband -- he clearly has little respect for you or for his responsibilities as a father.

Hear that little voice in your head, the one reading this right now and saying "Oh, she's too extreme" or "I must have made it sound worse than it really is?" I'm not. You didn't. Get into therapy, alone or together, and be honest and upfront. Time for dad to step up.

2 moms found this helpful

Just speaking from 14 years of experience of dealing with my husband....who started out the EXACT same way as yours...the more direct you are, the better. I know that I just assumed the role of do-it-all mom and the more I do so, the more he thought he didn't have to do anything. So, I made a plan. He isn't "babysitting" or being "put out"...these are HIS kids too, so he better get used to being their father and not a third child.
The best thing you can do is avoid playing the "poor me pity" card with him, but that will only put him on the defensive. I sat my husband down one night and told him that we needed to talk...that I felt that I was a single parent in a marriage and needed help. I asked that we please split up chores around the house and with the kids because it was fair to the KIDS. That if I'm busy taking care of everyone but me, I end up being unhappy and then the kids will be unhappy, he will be unhappy, etc. He slowly started to see my point. I don't ask anymore if I can go out, I tell my husband that I have a coffee date and he needs to take the kids...and if he's running errands, he takes one of them along. It started off rocky, but sooner than later, he realized that he is just as much a part of how we raise the kids as I am. And sure, we aren't perfect...I still do the bulk of everything around here, but at least he does the night baths now, takes one of the kids on errands, watches them outside when he's working the garage so that I don't have to be out there too (my PEACE TIME!!!) and is now invested in their care and rearing.
On another note...my husband insists that he can't survive unless he has 10 hours of sleep...so I so feel your pain on the sleeping in thing. All I can say is that if you married a sleeper, it just blows. LOL

2 moms found this helpful

Are you over reacting? In a word, NO. Seeking counseling is always a good idea if someone is unhappy in their relationship. Why wait till things are truly falling apart? And what you think because you are too busy during the school year to notice that the problems you’re having with your husband aren't really there? Counseling should not be a last ditch desperate attempt to save something that has run amuck for so long there is very little chance of fixing it. Your husband is a spoiled man, and having someone mediate your conversations with him about this could be so beneficial that you will hardly recognize him when you get done. The key is finding a good therapist. If he doesn’t want to go, then you go by yourself. A good therapist will help you learn to state your needs in productive ways and help you set limits while being fair to all. Take care of yourself and get the help you need to do so.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi there,

Run, don't walk to a reputable therapist. The sooner you both start developing communication tools the sooner you can move on.

Word to the wise. I've noticed that a bunch of folks on this site pitch Dr. Laura as the be all to end all. Having read it I found it to be perjorative, mean spirited and insipid. If I recall, she's not a therapist at all, she's got a PHD in some sort of natural science. Her advice is just as valid as the grocery checkers.

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

When is the right time for marriage counselling?...

As soon as you think "When is the right time for marriage counselling?".

B.

1 mom found this helpful

Good lord,

I am a single mom of a teenage girl and a three yr old girl. The first husband ran off with another woman and her two babies when my first was a baby. The baby's father threw me and T out on the street one day in LA when I was 5 mos pregnant with his child. He said he "changed his mind" and wanted me to abort the baby, and when I refused we were literally homeless.

I am the strongest mama ever. I am happy single, yet leave it open to find someone. But I will never, NEVER let a man take me for granted or mistreat me or disrespect me again. That is what your husband is doing.
We, as women, are the center, the heart of everything. We are beautiful creatures who run the family and everything revolves around us. We should be treated as proclain china in our feelings, and cared for with the utmost respect. You deserve every bit of what I'm talking about. Dont think he doesnt know what he has...he was once the light of your life because he treated you as such. You are LETTING him do this. He has become your typical lazy, self-indulged taker. Sit him down, tell him in a very loving, tactful way what you are feeling,just what you wrote on here. Tell him you dont feel any reason to stay if you are not loved, and mean
it. If he doesnt take this seriously you MUST show him you are serious.
Treat yourself with all respect and have it from everyone else in your family.

Wendy

1 mom found this helpful

It sounds like the right time for counselling was... yesterday! No, I do not think you are over-reacting. In fact, I think you have probably been under-reacting for years. Have you read "The Second Shift" yet?

1 mom found this helpful

Check out www.savemymarriage.com This worked wonders for both my sister and my best friend. Both were headed for divorce until they tried this. They are now happily married and in love with their husbands again.

I like the advice about having fun again too. It's hard when you're angry but if you can find a way to put that aside and concentrate on each other it would be helpful. Maybe your parents can watch the kids for an entire night and you two could go away together. Even if it's just a hotel in town.

Good luck,
L.

1 mom found this helpful

You need to have more fun. Your husband will pick up the slack if you envolve him. Stay up late with him and have fun together. In the morning when the kids wake up say to him in a nice tone, "I'm still tired, I'll feed the kids and then come back to bed so that you can get them dressed and start the laundry." He won't object because he had so much fun with you the night before. Never say anything about how the kids clothes don't match or he used the wrong detergent. Make plans to go out with your friends and arrange for a babysitter for date nights. Don't fight about it, just tell him of your plans for more fun and what days he will be watching the kids. Have more fun and you will stop resenting him.
I've been happily married for six years. We have a 3 year old and a 5 year old. I remember that difficult first year after my second child was born. It will get easier. This is the secret to my success.
p.s. I don't think men like to sit and talk about what they have been doing wrong.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi J. :)

YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING!! Honestly, it irritated me just reading what you wrote about him. Why don't you let him read what you said? I would get into counseling ASAP because he needs to understand how you feel RIGHT NOW!!! Every feeling you have is valid so DO NOT overlook yourself the same as it sounds he has been doing. If you need help, ASK FOR IT!!! He is just as responsible for the kids as you are. The longer you ALLOW this type of behavior from him, the more frustrating and taxing things will become for you. And ALWAYS remember, YOU are teaching your husband how to treat you. You are also enabling his behavior. If you change, inevitably he will, too. Kindly speak up for yourself if you have not been doing that. Just BE AWARE of the energies that you are emitting and that are being created in the house as a result of your unattended feelings and his actions, as the children know and feel it ALL!!! When something is bothering you, or something is wrong, deal with it immediately. Don't let things build up because it only makes you sick... mentally, physically, and spiritually. Honor your SELF first. If you fall apart, everything else topples with you-- or on top of you! Most of all, your little ones need you to be healthy and strong on every level so they can grow healthily as well. Set a strong example for them! If you have sons, you are teaching them it is okay the way your husband disregards you, them, and his responsibilities as a father. If you have a little girl, you are modeling a behavior that will only reinforce to her that it is cool to be treated in the same way... imagine: she's a teenager with a jerk for a boyfriend who treats her poorly, and she won't break up with him because she doesn't see how poorly she's treated... I've seen it happen.

You seem like a very strong woman. Do yourself a favor and don't EVER surrender you or your strength just because your husband seems to want to forego his responsibilities. It's not worth it now or down the road. :) I think, too, that if you don't take care of things now, everything will be harder for him to understand and deal with the longer things remain unresolved. You are also not being fair to him if you are not or have not discussed your feelings with him. Give him a chance to step up now and see what a man and what kind of father he truly is. I hope he shines!

My best to you and your family.

In Light,
J.

1 mom found this helpful

dear J.
it is not unusual for men to perceive women as the caretaker/mothers and for them to take a backseat in those traditional roles. do not call him a child unless you want trouble. what you might want to do is simply let him know that since the second child has come along, that you simply cannot handle things as efficiently as you had with the first when you were "in love" (with the baby)younger, and would go to your limits. you might simply ask him if he thinks you should hire help and if he says "no. too expensive", then ask if the two of you can sit down and figure out a plan which involves his help and you negotiate responsibilities. if that doesn't work, you might suggest that professional help for you sort it out so that you do not collapse!
M. m

1 mom found this helpful

Hi J.,

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so low right now. It seems to me that having a very little one at home always makes situations more tense. Your hormones are still adjusting back to normal, you're not sleeping like you used to, you are needed by both your kids so much when they are little. Should your husband be more supportive - absolutely. But maybe your communication with each other is not working as well right now. It happens. I know my marriage goes through ups and downs. The last time we were in a down cycle, I bought the book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail (and how you can make yours last) by John Gottman, Ph.D. It came highly recommended by a marriage counselor, and it's a great book. I would try this first and if you still think you guys need help, then definitely try counseling. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

now, go for yourself,not for him or your marriage.
He is treating you exactly the way you are allowing it.
The fact is that the children are yours, whether you think so or not, and the first five years of children are the very hardest.
It will get easier. Your husband sounds selfish. Whether it is from his own mother or you, is a good question.
People treat you how you teach them to treat you.
You need help in finding a balance in your marriage.
Good luck and God Bless.

1 mom found this helpful

Now that summer is over, you guys will return to your normal lives and the summer will still simmer in your brain, and resentment will fester, right?? I think you need to have a heart to heart with your husband, and let him know that you feel this anger toward him and you don't know how to make it go away. It sounds like your husband having "kid boot camp" might be a good thing, but now that you will begin school, that seems infeasible. Open up those communication lines. If his response is not acceptable to you, you might need to bring up having a mediator, like a pastor or counselor get involved. This is not the end of the world...you guys just need to learn how to talk again with all of your blessed little distractions running around!

I think anytime is the right time for counseling! It certainly can't hurt a relationship and if your husband is open to it, you are already on the right path! Counseling saved my marraige because what I realized through the process is that I had just as many things I needed to work on as he did, and it really helped us find a common playing ground - we worked to define some basic ground rules that we still use in our marraige and it has helped tremendously with the raising of our 2 year old daughter.

Get in counseling now. If you wait too long, the loss of respect will continue and disintegrate into resentment. Also, he will think that this level of care-taking he is providing is ok.
We never went to counsleing and I'm in process of finalizing my divorce right now. One of our huge issues was the lack of time my husband spent taking care of our child--that I was basically a single parent--our child's primary care-giver. He is stepping up now, but didn't get it until I practically hit him over the head with the divorce.
Good Luck and be strong.

You are not over reacting! Sadly, normally what you see is what you get when it comes to a partner. My ex went to work, and truly believed that after a 8 hour day on the job, he WAS DONE. No matter that I worked full time as well, and he too was put out at the thought of watching the kids so I could have a few hours to myself. You could talk to him. but like I said, what you see is what you get, people don't normally change for the long term. I have no advice except for that you can have a conversation with him, or counseling, sometimes a third party is beneficial. I understand how you feel, it is a difficult situation, I hope things work out for you.

Men are selfish and immature and they are often times jealous of the kids and expect you to take as good of care of them as you do the children....HELLO they are grown men who can take care of themselves, unlike a child that depends on us 24/7. My husband and I have the same issues and my kids are no longer toddlers...He expects them to be self sufficient, but Im still suppose to make sure the coffee pot is ready to go,his lunch is made, his paper is on the table, dinner on the table, house cleaned, laundry done and all he does is go to work and travel for business (ie socialize with his work buddies) for weeks at a time....my only break is when he is out of town, then I only have 2 kids to deal with.....You are not over reacting and dont let him tell you otherwise....Marriage and parenting are a partnership, HE IS NOT DOING HIS PART....Would he treat his work associates this way???
Good luck to you

J. , I have found what works the best is, ya snuggle up to him watching TV, tell him I am burned out, you are getting on my last nerve, and I dont want to take a ax to ya while you sleep.. ( kidding of coarse ) let him know its how you feel,
I I I I I dont point fingers, the minute you do that the game is on, be honest, kid a little while telling him, be honest, guys fo not read there wifes mind... ( dont know if they were drop on there heads as a baby or what ) Let him know that there is nothing to be afraid of being with the kids,,,, plupe those kids on the couch, let him know dinner is ready here is the instrutions then go have fun... Girl this one is one you , if you let them get away with it ,,, then they will just speak up.. OO I am going on 20 yrs of marriage

Hi J.,

My advise would be to email him this letter you wrote. Maybe add that you love him very much in it. You know he's a man and they do take things a little differently, but all in all he needs to know exactly what you have written to us. He need to know that this is a partnership, and you need respect for what you do in it, and he needs to pick it up a step. You should not have to feel this way, and need to take care of it asap before it ruins your marriage. and it will eventually, because held in resentment can be completely detrimental. I know, been there done that before. On my 2nd marriage and we've been together 16 years. Sometimes its cake, and other times it takes a lot of work, but most of all it takes communication, and I'm talking about real sit down and talk, and really let each other talk without interrupting. But you could start out by simply emailing him this note first, this way he can roll it over in his mind. Men take a long time to think, and of course women can process something quickly.

Good luck, and don't give up.

A.

Yes I suggest counseling The bottom line is men need training! He will carry on unaware of how you are really feeling. It helps if he can hear your concerns from someone other then you... again mothering him.He needs to feel he is a bigger part of the parenting. Good luck. I suggest Leonard Manzella he's good with men!

It's never too soon for marriage counselling. I wold see someone right away.

Wow, your husband and my husband could be brothers. As cheesy as this sounds, I just read the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." I found it at a garage sale and decided it was worth the read. It was incredibly insightful in helping me approach my husband about his lack of enthusiam with "helping out". I've learned some very practical ways to ask for help, and expect the help I deserve. We're still not there yet, but the book has been successful. I dont' usually promote pop-psychiatry, but it's working, so maybe it will help you too. Take care. E.

You need a heart to heart with him, alone on a date. With no distractions you can tell him how you feel. Nagging just doesn't work but sitting quietly in an intimate setting offers a connectedness that you are lacking now. If he still won't help then tell him you are seriously thinking of couples counseling. Go from there.

You're definitely not over-reacting. You should definitely sit him down and let him know how you're feeling. Let him know that you would be happy to spend more time with him and that it might be possible to so more often if he's helping you out with the kids.

Don't let time slip by. Let him know soon so he can fix it soon. It doen't have to be an argument or accusations.

You are not overreacting at all. I go through this with my husband about twice a year. Maybe sit him down tell him how you feel and let him know that this is serious and if he doesn't step up soon things are going to turn bad for your marriage. Maybe parenting classes that you both can do together will not only help him get involved but bring the two of you together as parents.

J.,
It's never too early for marriage counseling. It's more of a maintenance thing really. Your church is a great place to start for a counselor. If you aren't a church goer, then you can find great resources in your area online. Sometimes having a third party to listen in helps open communication.

No...you are not overreacting. I suggest that you plan a girls trip for two days. You and your friends go out of town for a couple of days and let him experience what you do every day. I had to go to a bachelorette weekend for my best friend this summer and left my husband at home with our then 4 month old. He totally realized how much more work I was doing than he was--and has since started pitching in a lot more and appreciating what I had been doing.
If you are worried about leaving him with the kids..just remember that he is intelligent and teacher and will be fine. Have your siblings or parents check in on him.
Hopefully this will work and you will get some much needed rest.
Another suggestion is to not wait for him to volunteer to help. Be assertive and tell him you need help. Make bath time his sole responsibility. Also--make lunch time his responsibility. During this time---do not step in or try to help him. He is probably going to do things different than you do. Take a shower, have a glass of wine, or call a friend. This is your time to do something special for yourself. Plus--he will have a sense of responsibility and accomplishment. He will want to participate more.
Good luck!!

Hi J., I wouldn't say you are over reacting, I do want to commit on something if I may, you said part of the problem is that you both are home for the summer and spending to much time together, I don't think that's the problem, you may be both in the same house, but you are not spending time together. As far as marriage counselling goes, is before you you get married, so you know what to expect and and both spouses know what their responsibilities are, but where the resposibilities are handled out after the fact, it's a struggle, because neither spouse really knew what to exspect.
I just answered another mamasouse with a similar problem, and I told her that the things that come natural for us as moms, don't for a lot of dads, and they have to be taught, so the next time you have two kids to deal with at the same time, you take one and you hand him the other one, said you feed him/her while i feed him/her, you get him involved, and see what happens. Always be open with what you are feeling, but Don't point fingers, don't say things you always or you never, don't go there, I learned that in marriage classes that my husband and i have attended with out church. Remember you can catch more bees with honey that with vinergar. J. L.

if you want to talk furture my e-mail is ____@____.com

It sounds to me that you have not let your needs be known to him. Most woman think men should be able to just know what they want and need. Somehow we feel if we have to ask they must not be in tune to our needs and therefore don't really love us. But so many things will improve in your relationship if you ask for what you need and do it without nagging and try to do it before your resentment grows large. Why don't you share your question with him as a conversation starter?
Ask him the day before if he will give you a morning to sleep in by taking over the feedings. Tell him in advance you are planning a date with friends so he can be prepared to take over. Ask him to take over dinner and bathtime because you need a little time to yourself.
Sometimes as mom's we are not only the default caretaker because we have the milk, we are because we know we do it better. I need breaks too but when my husband takes over he does it all wrong and instead of taking my break I'm watching over his shoulder saying, "don't feed her in front of the t.v..., its too distracting, don't wipe her face too much she hates it, just to it once at the end..." We know the schedule, we know the nuances and we can't let go!
In addition to asking for what I need, I have also had to learn to let dad make mistakes while watching baby. Hope this helps. Best of luck.
FYI- Marriage counseling is a good idea at any time, esspecially if you are feeling the need for it.

It sounds like you and your husband are not in communication with each other. He has his viewpoint on things and you have yours. They are both valid but without communication you will not resolve anything. It takes confronting what is happening for you BOTH to have a great solution. My husband and I used to have a lot of problems with communication. Mainly, I felt like he didn't want to communicate with me. His viewpoint was that I was nagging him. Obviously, telling him that I wasn't nagging him didn't count as "good" communication. LOL. So, my friend suggested I take a communication course at the Church of Scientology. It has saved our marriage and we haven't been the same ever since. I know there are a lot of negative comments about Scientology, but it in no way interferred with my beliefs in God. I am so glad that God had the sense to put this course in front of me because I think things would have been a lot worse by now. I didn't want my child to grow up listening to fights and bickering like I did. I want my child to see us, my husband and I, as examples of what marriage should be. Anyway, good luck and I hope this helps.

Hi J.:
The right time for counseling,is when you aren't happy with the direction your relationship appears to be going.Its the right time,when your pleas for some understanding and consideration are more often ignored or trivial.You can take comfort in knowing,that your not the only wife,that feels as though shes taking care of an extra kid! Some will reach retirement,without growing up.Men in general,don't like hearing where they are lacking from their wives.The lovely thing about a counselor is She doesn't know him from adam,but she will let him know. lol She will ask him how much time he gives to his kids.She'll ask him what he does to help you out.She'll ask what free time you have,and what you do with it, and then,she'll ask him what free time he has.The counselor really doesn't have to tell him,that he isn't forfiling his duties as a father and a husband.He will bring it all out himself.: ) The summer is behind you,and you'll both be returning to your positions soon.I would go see the counselor,and let my husband know, that next summer vacation,isn't going to be a repeat.I wish you the best J..

I don't think you are over re-acting at all. Daddy needs to share his weight, he's slacking and you need to address it. Sit him down and designate, talk about, what tasks are yours and what are his. Tell him how you are feeling, and even up the "to do" list. Small children can be exhausting, I know I raised 2 and am a grandmother of 2 girls 1 and 4.When I needed time alone, my husband would take our 2 out and about for the day. I could get some things done, sit back and relax, or whatever. It will make you feel better about him, if he starts helping. I would try this and if it doesn't work get to help immediately.

J., You do not sound like a woman who over reacts. Rather it sounds like you have tolerated a pattern of lame behavior for far too long. Put your foot down this week and lay down some new approaches. Make plans with your girls that are non-negotiable and that span a few hours.If you both seek the advice of a counselor you might enjoy this woman:DR. CAROL BARDIN ####-###-####. I went to her to cope with pp depression. And if you like to read pick up this book:THE PROPER CARE AND FEEDING OF MARRIAGE. Best of luck to you. -K. M

Dear J.,

No, you are not over reacting, you are being honest and concerned, which is just what you need to do. You are a modern woman expecting a modern marriage, and this doesn't sound like a modern marriage situation. Feel supported and not alone, then think slowly and carefully.

Of course, try to talk things over, but , good luck, don't rant and rave or cry and stomp. It will just make things worse, and the children WILL notice. Tell him just what you told us. That you feel like a parent and not a wife. Do not expect him to understand. He will have to come to that by himself. But, you can say how you feel, and ask him if he would like things to be the other way around? You know, do unto others.....Sincerely, C. N.

J.,

Welcome to my world. My husband doesn't help with the kids either, still want's me to work full time & contribute to the income. Yet want's me to pick up the kids from school (they can't walk that's dangerous)do homework, clean the house, laundry, shopping, make dinner, and be at every practice, do yard work, and help with the bills, . He expects me to drop what I'm doing to help him with whatever he needs, which is usually to find something he has lost in his office of paper clutter, because he won't throw anything away. And he won't let me clean it either. Or it's something he has waited till the last minute to do, and can't possible get it done without my help. Really what he want's me to do is sit in his office with him and watch him work, I'm not allowed to talk just sit their and babysit him. How rediculous is this.

I have learned that men only date and put on a good show of love and affection to get us to marry them. Then once they have us we become their mother's. I can't say this about all men but I beleive it is most of them. What I have learned is. Take short cuts, especially with him. If my husband throws his close on the floor by the hamper I pick them up fold them and put them back. Joke is on him if he stinks. There is no reason he can't put them in the hamper their isn't even a lid to open on it. Also remember that your house will be dirty tomorrow even if you clean the whole thing today. You have little ones that will drag out all the toys as soon as you pick them up. So Try to have your husband watch the kids one day out of the week so you can clean the whole house in one day then just lite pick-up the rest of the week, and clean the room he will be playing with them in, last. This way you aren't cleaning it twice. Your house will be clean again when your youngest is 6 or 7, this is when they start playing in their rooms because they don't want you to watch them. When having people over wipe down bathrooms, and pick up clutter, the only person who will notice that it's clean or dirty is the first one to arrive. Deep clean after.

As for your husband, you can sit him down and talk to him about how you are feeling. But remember if you start blaming him for everything he will get defensive, and not hear a word you say. Go from the issues you are having to the things that you need. Then have him repeat what he heard. Same goes for you when he is talking because we all like to hear what we want. Marriage conseling is great if you are both willing to change. But if you both refuse to change then it's a waist of money. Try to work this out between you first. You need to go out with friends and him also. Date nights are important, and when it comes to friends make the date and tell him your going that he'll be watching the kids adn go. You need it as much as he does. Good Luck!

I suggest creating a "system" in your house. You need to sit down with your husband and explain how you are feeling and discuss how you can share the duties. My husband and I switch our sleep in days. One day is his, the next is mine. He does nap time routine, I do bedtime (or we switch). I make dinner and he cleans up. He does outside chores and I do the inside chores. Laundry... now thats another story... we both HATE laundry and found that when the basket is full SOMEONE will finally need undies and wash a load or two. Lets not mention the folding thing, though. Find what works for the two of you. I realized that I played the "who does more game" in my head too much. Once we had set down the rules, that went away (mostly). I swear that game can really get you down. Talk to your husband. Tell him you are exhausted. And most of all school will start soon and you will truly miss every moment from all the family time you had over the summer! Trust me... I went back last week and I am feeling it!

As the mom of a 3 year old and 1 YEAR and a teacher as well I can honestly say you are not overreacting. My husband and I had similar issue during this summer while I was off. With our first child I did it all, and never really gave him the opportunity to be "daddy" so when the 2nd child came it fell on my shoulders to do it all. We were fighting all the time and i was never happy. Several things had to happen for us as a couple to move on through this. the first was I told him what I was feeling and how his freedom to go out with friends made me jealous. The second was I started scheduling time at the gym with a trainer and he had to take the kids. I made certain that the parents weren't an option. I told him that he really needed to spend time with our boys to bond with them and that I needed to know that he could do it. I also started to go once a month for a manicure and pedicure at a day spa where again he had to take the kids. I scheduled things early enough that he had to get out of bed earlier somewhat forcing him to live life from my perspective. I also invited his family over but chose not to clean the house in advance, and he actually stepped up to the challenge since he didn't want to be embarrassed. No it is not perfect yet, we still have our issues, but I am able to communicate how I am feeling and it is getting better

I don't think you are overreacting and I think that the sooner the better on the counseling. It's better to take care of the problems when they're small rather than waiting until you're completely done.

Now? My husband and I have just started marriage counseling and our daughter is 20 1/2 months old. We had a huge fight before leaving for vacation to Hawaii, this being the biggest fight for the last year and a half. We had a big one about a year ago, where I felt I was doing the bulk of the parenting (we have a teenager as well, from my first marriage) and at that time we worked out a schedule to split the chores, etc. Having a child brings up a lot of issues and my sister, who is studying psychology, has been informed that there is a high incidence of divorce, separating the first 5 years after a child is born.

Hello J.
I don't think you are over reacting. My husband is the same way. It's like I am raising him sometimes. We have been married for 2 years (together for 7) and we are starting marriage counseling on the 6th of September. It is a communication class at first and then we will go from there. I think for some men they still believe that "it's the woman's job",however you are working full time. At work and at home. There has to be some half way point or you will just become bitter. I was at a point before I requested counseling where I didn't even want to sleep in the same bed as my husband because of the tension. I felt like I wanted to explode with anger!!! I never thought that we would need counseling, but we both agreed that we need to learn how to cope with things better especially when it comes to house hold chores and taking care of the kids. Counseling great idea, ignoring it until you explode not such a good idea.
Best Wishes!!!

J.,
Have you come straight out and told your husband any of your feelings? Sometimes us moms rightfully feel like this because we are the ones who lose the sleep and have extra hormones that make us very emotional and well, sometimes resentful, because we are not our typical well rested and relaxed selves. You are doing alot of things for your new little family now and you don't get a break like your husband and you do feel like you are not appreciated or understood. In a loving way try to tell him that you are feeling this way and that maybe instead of going out with his friends could you and him go out together? Is there anyone who can babysit? I know leaving a six month old is hard but perhaps you could get a sitter for your older daughter and just take the baby with you. You do need time with your hubby alone. Try and do this away from the distractions of the home where there is the temptation to catch up on all the many things there are to do all the time.
Of course you are tired at night. You've been up late feeding and up early caring for the babies and you are not interested in any late night fun or romance, but if your husband could agree to get up maybe two mornings a week so that you could rest or even go out to do something for yourself you will have more to give to the family. If it is one thing I have learned the hard way, it is that you need time for you. A little breather now and then and some recognition of how much you do for the family and then you can give with a more loving heart. (I know this well because I am the mother of seven children, soon to be eight!) Tell him this in the most loving way you can, because if you have not come out and said anything to him I mean a heart to heart of how this has all affected you then chances are he does not really realize that you feel this resentment. You see sometimes men really are oblivious until you come out and spell it out for them. He has probably just been so happy with his life because you do such a good job of everything that he didn't realize you felt like this. Give him a chance to know how you really feel and i'd be surprised if he didn't try to work with you to give you what you need. Remember marriage does take work and none of us are perfect. Your husband, I am sure is a good person and loves you and the girls very much. You do not need counseling just some better communicating. Maybe asking for help is not in your nature, but it is ok to ask now, it can make all the difference. Do it for the sake of your little ones, for yourself and for your marriage. You'll see, a little time for you can make all the difference!!!!!!
Sometimes the solutions to our frustrations are not obvious to us because you are overtired and overworked and drained emotionally. Our husbands do not figure this out on their own, we have to hit them on the head a little. You really do need time with him away from the little ones if you can. It is extremesly important to a healthy marriage. Please try this. He will be happy just to know that you want to spend time with just him. I know this is easier said than done but it will change things. Remember, try not to accuse him of things simply tell him how you have been feeling. He didn't mean to do any of this on purpose, Fathers are just wired differenly than moms. Tell him you need some more help! Good luck I will keep you in my prayers!

Don't take the kids to parents make him watch them while you go out. He want's to go out 2 times a week. Tell him you want to go out 2 times a week also and him watch the kids. They want to have there fun to have them and when they get here. They feel it's not there respnsiblity. If he won't work with you. Marriage Counciling is now. For him to see the light. I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Godd Luck

Hello J.,
Yes, it sounds like you are ready for counseling with or without him. You are a family and with a family comes responsibility. What I read was an opening with everything that bothers you about him and then closed with a couple of nice excuses for him.

I recently told my husband who was acting similar, something was about to happen...I was either going to lose my job from being late, or lose my marriage. I would tell him I was about to be late and he just would not move, so I told him maybe I would join the SAHM's and explained what that was and told him he could go to work on his own and that afternoon he said he was going to have to pick a day to take the baby to daycare. Since...he has taken her 2 days out of the week and I take her the other 2 days. I work 4 days out of the week. It has worked out well.

You cannot excuse him, either you need to have a serious heart to heart talk with him, or get a counselor involved.

I don't think you are overreacting. But, it doesn't sound like you've discussed it with him. I'd say it is time for marriage counseling if you feel you can't talk to him about things, or if you feel like you can only communicate with him indirectly.

OVERREACTING??? Are you kidding me, you must be a Saint! I would not put up with that from my hubby. He works all day and still comes home to help with our 1 daughter. Parenting is for both parents not just mom's! It sounds like he may be going through midlife crisis or something. It is hard for me to understand what someone with two kids is doing going out with his friends. I think it is time for him to grow up quite frankly. Sorry if it sounds mean, but it sounds like he needs to get a grip on the reality of being a father. It is not just the fun stuff they get to do they should have all the same responsibility for raising your little ones. Sorry you are going through this, I would seek counceling before your patience runs out. Good luck. (((())))

Hi,
I agree with the other posters here that your husband needs to pull more of his weight and that he obviously has no idea what it takes for you to run the household. He is not being considerate of you. You should either sit down and talk or go to counseling, but do it soon, before you feel much more resentment. You are not alone. My husband does the exact same things and I read that others here have said the same thing, too. So, at least know that many of us are in a similar boat. Sometimes it helps to know that! :) Also, I agree with what someone else mentioned about people treating yout he way you let them treat you. You can't stand for this any more. I was guilty of that, too, until I got so tired of it and finally spoke up (something in my pervious life, before children, would have done in a heartbeat) and now things are getting better and at least I feel I am being more true to myself. You are NOT overreacting. You need to trust your feelings and express them. Things are not OK if you are unhappy, stressed, losing respect for your life partner, so you have an obligation to yourself and to your marriage to talk with him about it. I am sure you two can figure a way to make it work for both of you. Good luck!
J.

Hey J.,

I am a SAHM of 4, and I know that on the weekend my husband does very little, but he is ENTITLED, since he works full time during the week. However, during the week, he is home every night, he never goes out, he would rather be home with the kids and me. I think you have a very valid reason for loosing respect for him. Your situation is different from mine, you both are home for the summer and should share in taking care of the kids and the housework and what not, that is just my opionion. Have you spoken to him about it? If so, what does he say? I think you need to tell him what you expect and see what he expects in return. Going out one time a week with frineds is not a problem, but I think if one goes out all the time with friends, tells me he would rather be out then home. I don't blame you for your feelings, try talking to him and suggest counseling and see what he says. I wish you the best of luck and will pray for you both. I don't think your over reacting at all.

M.

Sounds to me like now would be the right time for counseling, and no, you are not overreacting. What your husband is doing to you is completely unfair. Have you spoken to him about how incredibly unbalanced your home life is? If not, don't delay, because it won't get better on its own.

My hubby was raised by a single mother so it is "normal" in his eyes that I do all the work. I still struggle to get him to see that half of the work that needs to be done to run and maintain our home is his responsibility. I don't need his "help" to run the house. I need him to take care of HIS HALF of the responsibilities. Unfortunately most men are this way, so you are far from alone in your situation.

Please address this with him now before you build up too much anger and resentment. Best of luck to you!

Well, he should step up to the plate and start understanding. But, I don't know if he's going to be willing to help you out.

My husband is a lot like that, he's got to play golf, at least once a week. When we first married, it was basketball (7 days a week).

He does help out a lot but there are certain things that he just won't help me on, like dishes or cooking or cleaning the house.

It also took us 12 years of marriage to finally consistently take our children to church service every Sunday.

In one aspect, I feel we cannot change the people we married and expect them to become someone better. On the other aspect, helping out a little wouldn't hurt and doesn't mean someone's a new person. I carry a huge burden at home - finances for home, my husband's business, my business. Managing the home, the kids' schedules (all 4 are in different schools and the older 2 do different sports). Building, marketing and selling for my own business. You name it.

With that in mind, my husband does respect what I put into managing our family, BUT - he can't let go of what he needs - golf and rest on Sundays. And, 2-3 times a week he'll go to the range.

But, to help me, he's fine with me hiring a cleaning person to help around the house, delegating our bookkeeping, etc.

Personally, and this is just my 2 cents, you'll just need to get to place so that your husband respects what you are giving to the family (compared to his share) but without threatening him with losing what he cherishes - sleeping in and time with friends perhaps. And, it may take some time, but yeah, if you need help, just ask for it. And, one day hopefully, he'll pick up some of it on his own without you needing to ask him.

Good luck.

It's never too early for marriage counselling. My husband and I have sought counsel regularly since before we were married, and before there were ever any problems. I don't think you are overracting at all. Our church has a marriage "mentoring" program where you are matched with another married couple. These are not licensed counselors, but we have found this type of counselling to be extremely helpful, and the best part is that it doesn't cost anything but the valuable time you spend in counselling. I believe most churches have programs like this. If you are not involved in a church already, you can just call around to the local churches and ask about their marriage ministry (I know just about every Calvary Chapel has a ministry like this, some smaller churches or some denominations may not).

Men can get very absorbed in their own little bubble and not pay any attention to the people they care about around them. I would try talking to him in a loving, non-combative, non-accusing way to explain your frustrations (though that would be hard for me in your shoes - my temper would be flaring!). Talking about these things with a counsellor or mentor couple can help you both to understand the other's perspective and come to an agreable solution, if you are not able to do that on your own. You love your husband and I am sure he loves you, so you can find a way through this!

Make sure your husband understands that you need time for yourself too. My husband and I are also going through some things and we had a sit down and talked and he said the reason he had been out playing softball and golf so much was that he needed time to himself. Then that old resentment monster creeped out and I said its nice tha YOU get that option maybe I need sometime for me too. Next thing I know my husband is telling me that I need to call my friends more often and just ask and he will take care of our son for me. Try to help your husband understand that you need time for you sometimes also. I bet he'll be more understanding then you think. Just don't expect the complaining to stop. Eventhough my husband encouraged me to go out he still complained when I told him my plans to go to an adult church activity. I just let it roll off my shoulder and he is watching the baaby and does not resent me, he just likes to complain, punk!

No, you are NOT over reacting.... your Husband is childish and immature.

HE IS A PARENT whether he can admit that or not. HE IS A HUSBAND whether he can admit that or not. HE IS ACTING LIKE A SPOILED TEENAGER or AN OVER-GROWN FRAT BOY.

SHOW HIM YOUR POSTING AND THE RESPONSES YOU RECEIVED. He needs a real kick in the pants... sorry to be so blunt.

Yes, he is treating you like as though you are his "Mommy" too... and taking advantage of your patience.

If this is the only "problem" you have in your marriage... then you can either (1) try and approach him first, talk about it like adults (if he can manage that)...and see where he stands....(2) is he supportive of you and understands??? (3) or does he just not care and is selfishly clinging to HIS self-indulgent over grown frat boy social life?

If he cannot compromise in any way, and help out... and grow into his "role" as Husband AND Dad...then yes, go to marriage counseling. Otherwise, this will turn into bigger problems.

Another tactic is.... you take care of the kids....and the home... as much as you can.... but when you are too tired or simply put out by it and feeling drained... then just stop! Stop and sit down! If your kids and Hubby need you.... simply tell your Hubby "Honey, will you get them.... I'm busy/too tired/in the middle of something/have a headache/not feeling well....." etc. The thing is... you NEED TO ASK FOR HELP WHEN YOU NEED IT. Otherwise he will just take it for granted that you "will" do everything. AND you NEED to just learn to STOP when you are simply too tired to go any further.

The thing is, you need to be in control of what you want... instead of wishfully expecting him to rise to the challenge. He won't and isn't. So, when you want him to help... make a list of things he needs to do, hand it to him... tell him that as a Husband & Dad these are the things he needs to do to be a PART of this family. He can't be a free-loader anymore... EVERYONE in the home has responsibilities... and if he can't muster his responsibilities...then he cannot rely on you either.

I call this list the "Daddy Do-List." Lots of my friends do the same thing. Some men just can't manage or organize themselves enough at home nor remember what to do... so this is a tangible way to "remind" them of what they are responsible for. Post it up in a place where he will see it.

Sometimes, I get burnt out from doing all these things too....but at the same time, my Husband is also busy- he works full time AND goes to school, and helps at home with the kids when he can or when he doesn't forget. But all in all... it does take encouragement. Men just can't think out all the chores in the home sometimes. But-- your Hubby seems to neglect his duties on purpose. So... well... I would be rather irritated myself about it. He needs to get a lesson in reality... this isn't "Summer Break" like in college for pete's sake... he's a Dad now, and a Husband.... he needs to grow up.

For me, when I am simply too tired... I just stop and not do anything. If my girl calls me, I say "Honey.... will you help her I'm resting..." Or, if I"m too tired to cook I just tell my Hubby I won't be cooking tonight.. but we can grab some take out or HE can make something...or on some weekends I just let my Hubby know that "I'm not cleaning or anything this weekend... I need a break & am so tired...so just a head's-up." You see... I don't wear a "Cinderella" label on me... yes we Moms DO do everything and are so busy....but at the same time, you don't "have to" be the default "maid" in the home. Just delegate the chores... just tell your Hubby.... and if he doesn't do it, then it won't get done... and it will be his responsibility to deal with it. You don't have to pick up after him.... especially since he seems so so childish about it for a grown Man. You can't be his "Mom".... ew, how un-romantic for a Man to act this way.... much less un-manly.
I don't blame your for losing respect for him....

And for crying out loud... HE wants you to take the kids to his Parents for babysitting so he's not put out???? GOOD GRIEF! No, no, no... drag him to marriage counseling... or SHOW HIM ALL THESE RESPONSES. PLEASE.... he needs a real wake up call... and quick.

All the best,
Susan

J., now is the time! I begged my husband to go he wouldn't. If yours goes fantastic. My daughter just turned 17 and in many ways he is a great dad, but as far as the parenting goes he has always left it up to me...not the way it is supposed to be.
Just my view, it doesn't get better as the years go by. I do hope he sees that councelling can help.
C.

Counseling may be a good idea but have you tried just talking to him?

Let's face it- most of us women want our husbands to jump right in and know what to do when the reality is that they have no idea. I had a similar type of problem and let it build up inside. Whenever I thought about talking to him, I would think "I want him to do this on his own accord."

Finally I realized I would have to say something. We talked and his response was "you should have said something."

Our work load is very equal now. One thing I've had to accept though is that I'm the orchestrator. It's almost like many men just really have no clue what needs to be done and why. It's been several years and my husband has learned what needs to be done even though I still don't think he can see the big picture.

YOu are not overreacting. Sit down with him and talk about your feelings, wants, and needs. If he's not receptive to that, try counseling with or without him. Maybe a counselor could help you communicate what you need to him. Good luck.

J.,
Oh my God! What is going on with your husband! Go to family counselling immediately, first off. Second, stop catering to him. Tell him how you feel about him going out and leaving you to do all the work while he's out with his friends. Get a house keeper to come every week. If he doesn't want to pay, then divide up the chores and tell him he either does them or the house keeper stays. And make plans to go out once a week, be it a beauty treatment, yoga class or just hanging with the girls. We went to counselling because my husband was highly stressed and we were arguing all the time and I am pregnant. After 3 sessions, things have completely changed. I highly recommend it.
He needs to get it together, for everyone's sake.
Good luck!