Kindergarden Disipline Help

For starters, her behavior is developmentally appropriate. Read that sentence again. The 5-6 age range is defined by love and defiance. One moment it's, I love you, the next it's I hate you. It's about more and more independence.

In fact, Dr Ames goes so far as to say that when they start misbehaving, punishment has no effect at all.

This is normal. All you can do is be super sensitive to her anxiety and insecurity. Read that again. The defiance is a sign of insecurity. She's looking to be more independent, but she doesn't really know how. And she is trying to develop and the adults all want her to just do as told. So instead of punishing, help her feel secure and able. It's time to expand on her household tasks and to find an activity she is passionate about -where she feels in control, capable and able. Find something without an authoritarian adult too!

Did she go to preschool? Were there ever any similar problems there, or is the defiance completely new behavior since starting kindergarten?

I have always heard it's best to make the punishment relate to the "crime," though it's sometimes hard to come up with something at home that relates to school. My idea is to make her write a letter of apology to the teacher every time she gets a bad report. If the principal gets involved, she must write an additional letter to the principal that day. Tell her the letter must be at least five sentences long since she is five years old. She can hand it to the teacher each morning when she arrives. If she isn't able to write well yet, it will take her quite a while to write - maybe losing the play time will encourage her to be better at school.

I assume you've asked her why she behaves the way she does - what is her answer? Does she have a reason for not going to the carpet with everyone else? Can she explain any of the behavior.

If her school has a counselor, perhaps a couple of visits with her might help sort a few things out as well.

Good luck. I am glad to hear you're working hard to change this! It's always frustrating when parents think their kids are perfect angels and the teacher is to blame. I hope you can get to the root of the problem and help her figure out how to behave at school.

I'm confused. Why would you even be trying to control behavior that happens at school, several hours AFTER THE FACT?
Would you expect your child's teacher to discipline her for how she behaved at home the night before???
Of course not.
If things are really so out of control that the teacher and the principal can't handle it, then where is the school psychologist? And what does your pediatrician say?
How does she act with other caretakers, babysitters, relatives, at a friends house?
Has she been tested for learning/developmental disabilities?
Something is "off" here for sure but until you address the "why" of why she can't function at school there's no fixing it.

Could you reward her when she's particularly well behaved and cooperative? Like maybe buy her a small chocolate bar when you hear she joined in and listened and behaved well all day? That works far better with my kids than removing privileges. Makes them feel special - that being good actually results in good things. And recognition from parents/teacher, etc.

I find teachers often send home notes and stuff and you're left wondering what you're supposed to do. I hear you.

My mom taught kindergarten for many years. Here's how she would have handled your daughter's behavior. She would say "Are you going to come join us?" and if your daughter said no .. my mom would say "Alright then, we're going to read a book you will have to wait for us". Or something like that. My mom wouldn't let a kid join late. She took away the privilege of joining in if kids were holding up the group. It worked like a charm. The kids didn't like being excluded.

I find sending notes home and getting the principal involved sometimes doesn't get the child to respect the teacher. It's better if the teacher can handle it and the child listens to the teacher - otherwise I think it will just continue. Maybe talk with the teacher one on one and give her some more insight into your child's personality. What works for you at home, etc.

Keep us posted and good luck :)

** My mom always had kids nap/rest in kindergarten. I don't think they do that anymore. It's a long day for some kids. I know my oldest had a hard time by afternoon. We got some calls ..

I would work with the counselor, and talk with the teacher in detail, to figure out if your daughter is just not mature enough yet for kindergarten. Pre-K might have seemed fine but kindergarten today has much higher, tougher expectations of kids than it did when we were children. Kids need to be able to move from activity to activity readily; stop doing something they like when the time comes; and most of all--listen to and obey an adult who is not mom or dad. That last one in particular seems to be your daughter's issue, as you know. What you describe is a child who just does not believe that the teacher (or apparently the principal either) is an adult who has authority over her, and whom she wants to please by doing what that adult tells her. That's a fundamental "skill" for kindergarten and the grades after it, and that is why I'd work quickly to figure out if she just needs to stop now and start K again in the fall with more time under her belt.

How does she behave with adults who are not you or the school teacher? Grandparents? Sitters? Adults at church or other places you take her where you have to leave her with someone else who isn't a relative, to watch her? Does she seem to want to behave at home to please you and get along, or does she behave more because she knows you're strict? I'd sit down and think through her interactions with all adults, not just the teacher, and including you. It is not an admission of failure to remove her from K at this point if she really is not ready for it-- but you must be careful that she would not see being removed as a triumph too. That's why I'd get the school psychologist or counselor involved.

Also, the teacher and principal may not have found her "currency" yet in the school setting. A child's "currency" is the thing that the child values most and hates most to lose. You know what that is at home (for instance, you know that taking away candy or screen time gets her attention and can change her behaviors later) but at school, where they can't take those things away, they need to find what gets her attention in that setting enough to make her change her behavior. Psychologist, counselor, as soon as possible.

And while I do believe that discipline hours later doesn't necessarily work with younger kids, I also believe that kids need to learn that what they do at school IS known by parents at home, and that teachers DO communicate with parents. Kids should not think that school behavior has zero impact on their lives outside school. So while the school should really be finding a better way to get her attention than time outs, I would continue to be very clear with her that you will know, every single day, what she does in school. And if she is able to connect losing things at home with behavior at school, that's fine by me. But first and foremost, work with school on this. Maybe she's used to strictness at home and finds school in comparison to be "easy" on her, so she pushes to get away with things--?

Honestly, I don't think much you do at home has an impact on a child this age in the classroom. 95% of the work has to be done by the teacher, at the moment. If the time out isn't working and your daughter is returning with a triumphant (?) smile on her face, then the teacher needs to do something else. So some of this is classroom management - but as a former teacher, I can tell you that one disruptive kid in a big class is a huge problem. Even when I had small classes, I had 2 kids over the years who just had to be sent to the office rather than disrupt the entire program and delay the education.

I would find out what happens in the principal's office. Is she feeling like a big shot there? What exactly is she doing? Is there some boring busy work she can be assigned? Either that or constantly being ignored. It's inconvenient, but if she is denied the privilege of going to the girls' room alone or going to assemblies, that would be good. I know she has to be supervised wherever she is, but it shouldn't be with anyone fun. And if she has to repeat kindergarten, so what? She's probably too immature to move on anyway, and this is the time to deal with it.

If riding the bus is a privilege and fun, then you can suspend that right - BUT she's getting a real treat in having you show up to pick her up. She's defiant in class, so I'm not sure how it helps to have her not only beat the teacher at her game but also you and your husband at yours!

So she probably needs to be MUCH more inconvenienced. I would take the approach - and admittedly I'm at a distance and with limited info - that roaming around and not sitting on the rug or lining up or whatever are what TODDLERS do. They are too little to behave, they don't understand the rules. Okay, if your daughter is too little for rules and kindergarten, then she is also too little for: (fill in the blanks as you wish) screen time, TV, toys suitable for 5 and 6 year olds, unsupervised use of markers and glue, alone time in the yard, shopping trips, play dates, movies/TV for kids her age, etc. She has to be absolutely miserable and treated like a baby - and tell her that, when she's older and more mature, she can have big kid toys and privileges. She can have baby coloring books and nap time and early bedtime and so on - but with as little interaction on a "big kid" level as you can manage. So NO she isn't going to the XYZ movie and she isn't having a friend over because you can't supervise her constantly and you can't trust her alone because she doesn't follow rules, and NO she isn't getting toys with the recommended age range of 4 and up because she's in the 2-3 range. Let her be good and bored with toddler toys and absolutely no electronics.

I wouldn't use too much "Santa won't come" unless you are absolutely prepared to make Christmas a battle ground. But I do think you can cross certain things off her list.

I'll add the caveat that if she is suffering from something like oppositional defiance disorder, then she needs intervention. She may need therapy anyway - and the whole family can benefit from learning effective techniques.

She's taking up class time with her antics, so you should take up her time with unpleasantness. I would have her sitting at the kitchen table practicing her writing or numbers. No coloring - that's too much fun. No reading because that requires your attention. Strictly writing. Then, have her get up and do some chores. She is old enough to dust furniture, push a broom or vacuum, take items out of the frig and wipe the shelves, heck, I'd make her clean out the trash cans. whatever you can think for her to do that she can do ALONE that she will not enjoy. You need to keep her busy for the entire afternoon, up until dinner time. Then, after dinner, bath and straight to bed, even if it's only 6:00. You have to give her the motivation to not get in trouble and it doesn't sound like time out is that motivation. Make her unhappy to the point that she is happy to behave at school to get out any unpleasant tasks at home.

i'm really glad you're backing up the school by taking this seriously, and glad you're not big on spanking. since she doesn't respond to it anyway, i'd eliminate that one altogether.

i'm a little dismayed that your educational professionals are so helpless in the face of one willful little girl. expecting all the consequences to be on you is a bit much. yes, you should be stern and displeased, and i think tossing the candy and picking her up every day is great.

sounds like she spends a LOT of time on screens, since that's really the only other 'consequence' she has, and it's not a consequence that's remotely related to her school behavior. losing them is fine, but it sounds as if she should have far less of this to start with, and far more reading, free play, running around outside and (only if necessary) activities such as horseback riding or roller skating or gymnastics or something.

she may just not be developmentally ready for kindergarten yet. is she a young one?

i'd work with the school in coming up with immediate consequences for her instead of relying on you to handle it all hours after the fact. surely they can come up with something with more impact than going to the principal's office.

the big picture is that we have effectively hamstrung the schools by having conniptions and meltdowns every time our precious poopsies get a cross look from a teacher. it's probably getting very difficult for them to devise anything really effective without armies of mamabears descending upon them.

but do encourage them to try.
khairete
S.

Surely her teacher has more in her disciplinary toolbox than time-outs. Is the teacher also doing positive reinforcement (eg, students earn points for being good)? Are you ok with your daughter losing recess, if so, you could suggest it to the teacher. It sounds like you are doing what you can to have the teachers' back, she needs to come up with more in-classroom immediate consequences.

Is she a young kindergartener? I just ask because it sounds like a maturity thing. 5 year olds are all about defiance but it does sound like beyond normal behavior if she is the only one causing these issues in class. I probably wouldn't punish her at home because for one, I'm not sure how much control she has over these behaviors and not sure it would carry over anyway. I would actually try to increase free play time at home as much as possible because kinder can be really structured and long for 5 year olds. I would also really limit computer games/tv so that she is moving around, playing pretend ecetera as much as possible.
If she is young and the behavior doesn't improve, I would think about going back to preschool. I read a study recently about the long term impact of starting kinder too young on academics and behavior.

Stop punishing her at home for things that happen at school. Even if you've seen it once or twice you aren't there to see it every single time. This type of behavior is pretty typical for little ones since they are still learning how things at school work. The teacher should be handling this on her own and if she requires assistance she needs to ask the principal or another teacher for help.

Obviously you don't condone this behavior and its your job to remind your daughter to be attentive and listen to the teacher at school but punishing at home isn't going to have the effect you think it will. By the time you get that note the incident could have happened 6 hours earlier. She won't remember it. You are only getting 1 side of the story. Instead when you get a note or a phone call let your daughter know that you are disappointed because you know she's a much better listener than she's showing the teacher. Lather, rinse, repeat.

The responsibility of a child is the current teacher's and the parents. I think it is right for you to step in. As my mother who taught school would tell parents your child is mine for one year and yours for life so we need to work together on their behavior and education. When a parent is concerned children usually do better.

Her teacher may not be good with discipline. If she isn't than the Principle needs to work with her on that. Kids know when a teacher is a pushover and her teacher sounds like she may be one.

I think your daughter may be a little immature. Since she is in Kindergarten this is a good time for her to repeat it. Our school system puts the kids who are repeating a grade back in the same teachers class which I think is so stupid. I would make sure she is with a different Kindergarten teacher next year. Some kids don't mature as fast as others and that's ok. Let her repeat kindergarten again.

I would take electronics away. Tell her playing with electronics is not a right it's a privilege and since she can't behave at school then you are taking that privilege away until you see some improvement. Giving the electronics back right away doesn't seem to be helping so keep them away for a while. Give her a date that she can have them back but if she messes up before getting them back add more time until she can behave.

I know its frustrating but I think this is just a sign of immaturity. Good luck!!

STOP kindle, tv, computer games, ALL Screen Time. This causes the very behavior you're describing. She is a baby yet and you're not letting her experience imagination and free play and it's disturbing to her whether the adults around her recognize it or not. It can be thought of as this simple: what goes in must come out. Her brain is still developing and will continue to develop for some years yet and any of these things cause difficulties. Get the book Simplicity Parenting and The Soul of Disciple by John Payne and change your ways through the use of these books and you'll see a whole new child.

In the mean time read this article, it's one of several. Remember when you allow the computer and tv in your home, you're inviting a stranger to be with your child. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cris-rowan/10-reasons-why-h...