42 answers

Grounding from Sports?!?!?! YES or NO?

Hi mamas,
I need some help. My son just got his 4th detention in 7 days of school. I'm fed up. (He's 11 and in the 5th grade.) The detentions are all for screwing around in class; making faces, not staying in seat, giggling while the teacher is talking, talking out of turn, passing notes. The teacher is pretty intolerant of children's behavior (funny that he should be a teacher), but I know my son tries to be the class clown too. He really doesn't have any privileges left at home (wii is broken and TV is rare). His main privilege is baseball, practice and games, and I would like to pull his game this weekend so that he knows that I am serious about his school work and behavior at school. I've heard some people say you should never take away athletics. I also have heard some folks say that if they're "punished" at school why should you punish, again? I am looking for all you opinionated moms to give me some feedback. Honestly, I would hate to pull the sports. He is a very active boy and needs to be physically active. And, can I admit, I just don't want to hear the begging for the next three days.
Thanks,
S.

1 mom found this helpful

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Wow! Thank you all so much for the opinions. I knew if I phrased it right I'd get some good responses. N. is in a gifted class that is given assignmnents at the beginning of the week and is expected to turn them in at the end of the week. Very little actual teaching. The primary teacher has been out ill and her husband (also a teacher) has been subbing. She came back for a few weeks and is now gone again. So it's been a bit crazy for the kids. That said, my son has good grades for the most part (A/B). I am actually a very strict parent and fully support the teachers at home. I will check in and see what may be going on with the detentions. I am a single mom and when there is no break, sitting and listening to begging all weekend is more punishment for me than him. Normally, I do suck it up. Thanks again for all the great advice.

Featured Answers

What does detention involve at his school? It is inconvenient and can be embarassing, but it isn't really much in the way of punishment. It is more like a forced study hall. Just time to get his homework done without distractions.

The behaviors that you describe SHOULDN'T be tolerated by the teacher in the classroom.

You have to make the final decision about the punishment but you have to be consistent. Dealing with the whining and crying is the unfortunate part of being the parent.

Sports are a privilege and privileges should be earned. Missing the game isn't the punishment...it is a privilege that HE didn't earn that week. The punishnment is doing extra chores. There are plenty of other ways to keep kids physically active...practice is one thing when they run drills, but a game is an awful lot of time sitting.

P.S. I am single mom too...I know the whining and begging and crying can get tiresome...and mine is only THREE! I just know it only works to be consistent, they get smarter than us really fast!

3 moms found this helpful

He will be in 6th grade next year. Here in Austin that is middle school. There is Zero tolerance for this type of behavior and if he ends up in detention it is a lot rougher than in elementary school.

The fact that this is the 4th day? means he is not getting the message that he has really messed up.

If my child were in the class with a kid that was this disruptive, I would not be pleased.. I would start to think he needed to be moved to another class or needed to be evaluated.

Missing sports is the least he should have to miss out on. I like the suggestion of heavy yard work and maybe even having to write an essay explaining what he has learned and how he is going to change his behavior.

2 moms found this helpful

If you have taken away privilieges and he is still acting up in school then I say take away sports , if that is the area that he really cares about. Yes they should have consequences in school but the parent should also back that up aswell. At the moment he probably thinks he has the upper hand and that you won't take away his sports , take it away and let him learn the hard way. If he can't behave in school then he don't have his enjoyment....simple as that.

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers

Not goiong to read all the other responses so may duplicate... sorry in advance. My guess is that his detentions have *inconvenienced* you in some way, taking you away from other duties you normally would have completed while you were talking to the teacher/principals at the school? Perhaps you need to *inconvenience* him with having him do some of your chores and he would need to complete those BEFORE he goes to the game. Basically HE chooses whether or not to complete the responsibilities that his misbehavior have displaced from your plate of responsibilities onto HIS plate. If he gets them done, he goes. (and make it reasonable but not easy so there is actually a chance that if he puts his nose to the grindstone, he can go.) If he doesn't work, he CHOOSES not to play and that is the CONSEQUENCE of his OWN choice. I would also call his coach and let him know what's going on - including that participation in the game is *entirely* dependent on dear son's motivation to get his responsibilities done. Maybe Coach can call at reasonable intervals to remind dear son of his responsibility to the team and how he needs to step up to the plate at home before he can step up for the team. This is not to shame dear son, so I would ask that coach NOT discuss with other team members. This is just to help dear son realize that repercussions of misbehavior are far-reaching and negatively affect others who are in no way associated with the behavior. If the team loses, I would DEFINITELY have Coach call and emphasize the fact that the team cannot function without all players. Take this back to the classroom and emphasize how Mr. Teacher cannot *win* when one of his serious students is *absent* and a goofball is sitting in his seat! :-D
I think perhaps an apology to Mr. Teacher may be in order, as well. Regardless of whether they are a good match, the teacher deserves respect and dear son sounds like he has been a thorn in Mr. Teacher's side. Not that all teachers are fantastic, but they all have a job most of us wouldn't take, for pay we couldn't live on. For that alone, they deserve our respect.
Just saw the beginning of a couple of posts about class clowns and confidence/ability. You probably need to follow up on those things regardless, but dear son needs to shoulder some responsibility for the consequences of HIS past behavior, now.
Hope this helps.
:-)
jen

5 moms found this helpful

Hi S., I am one of those crazy moms who thinks sports should not be used a punishment for younger kids. (High School is a different story) My theory is team sports encourage discipline, teamwork, direction ect. and these are often what kids are lacking and getting in trouble for. It's kind of like spanking a child for hitting. Again, this is just my way of thinking. I definitely support consequences at home even if they have already had some in school. You may have to get creative if most privileges are already on restriction. How about an insane amount of chores. Make him do yard work. Or better yet have him help an elderly neighbor with chores they may need done.

5 moms found this helpful

In regard to the belief of "if they're punished at school why should you punish again," I ask this: did the dentention teach your child not to repeat the offense? Did the detention teach your son that *you* also disapprove of the behavior and will not tolerate it?

I'm sure you have expectations for your son in regard to his behavior at school, at home, at friend's houses, etc. When he does not meet these expectations you gently correct him. If he repeats the same offense again and again, he needs to be steered back on track. Clearly, the detentions are meaningless to your son. I can't tell from your post whether or not your son understands that you find his behavior unacceptable -- but even if he does, your disapproval is not having an influence on him thus far. I think it's time you "up the ante."

4 moms found this helpful

You need to find a punishment that will mean something to him. If the Wii is broken anyway, that isn't a punishment. I've never heard anyone say you shouldn't take sports away. That's absurd. Participating in a sport is a privilage, not a right. And being on a team, he needs to understand that his team and coach have high expectations for him, too--- both academically and behavior wise-- in order to continue to be on the team. Taking away this Saturday's game is an excellent start to show him that you mean business. And the statement of "I also have heard some folks say that if they're "punished" at school why should you punish, again" is just downright CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So if a child is suspended from school, he should be allowed to stay home and play video games? (Not that YOU said that, it's along that same line of thinking.) Parents should ALWAYS follow up with consequences at home when a child acts out at school!!! The teacher and the parent should be a united team. You need to meet with his teacher to come up with a plan of action. Obviously he does not care two flips about detention or he would not keep doing behavior to land himself back in detention!! I can't understand why the teacher doesn't see that, too! Is he a new teacher? The school should be working with you on figuring out how to change your son's disruptive behavior. By the way, if he is disrespectful to his teacher, I am very curious if this teacher can't handle him and he should be with another teacher who knows how to command/earn respect.
He acts up, he gets detention. He continues to act up, he gets detention. He acts up yet again, he gets detention... and he acts up again, and gee whiz... hmmmm.... I wonder what his consequence will be. How about detention!! For goodness sake, why does no one realize that detention is pointless for this child??? And if you have a problem listening to him "beg for the next 3 days" you have bigger issues, sorry. No wonder he is continuing to be disrespectful in class if he has learned at home that mom will more than likely not follow through on a any real consequence as long as he begs hard enough and wears you down. I know you will think I'm being mean, but you need to hear the harsh reality of what is happening. If you want his behavior to change, you need to pick a consequence that matters to him and follow through and be consistant about it.

4 moms found this helpful

S.,

In my home SCHOOL is first. I understand that he is a very active boy and sports are a very positive outlet in a young boy's life, but the bottom line is SCHOOL COMES FIRST. If you don't have a handle on the school situation, and he repeatedly is displaying negative behavior, then I DO suggest pulling sports if you have tried all other punishments. The thing that concerned me and keeps sticking out in my mind is the part where you say "I just don't want to hear the begging for the next three days". I feel like when I read that, it told me that he may have more control than he should in the parent/child relationship. Why would he even think it would be ok to beg for three days? Does he usually get his way when he does that? Has he learned he can break you down by throwing a fit? Also you mention his negative behavior at school, but how are his grades? Is it only behavior or are his grades suffering as well?
Some of the things that have worked in my house (I have two boys 16 and 9) are "indefinite" restriction. This means that if the negative behavior is not improving I put them on restriction for an indefinite amount of time. It is in their TOTAL control as to when they can get off. They can only get off of restriction if they start turning their behavior around for a good amount of time and stay consistent. I also make a list of ALL the privileges they have at home. I draw up a detailed summary or contract of the things that are expected of them. When they are on restriction all the privileges are taken away. They can earn one thing back a little at a time. I make them read the contract and sign it. Then there is no way they can say that they didn't know what they were supposed to do. Then I post it on the fridge. My son can then be reminded everyday that he doesn't have his xbox, ipod, phone, playdates, etc. and that each day when he leaves the house he has a chance to earn them back. I have also told them that the clothes they wear, their preferences on hair styles, shoes, bed times, their favorite snacks, etc. are all privileges.
The hard part, but most important thing is CONSISTENCY. You really teach them how to treat you. If you aren't consistent about punishments and you bend, they will learn that that you can easily be broken down. I know it is exhausting, but if you stick it out it will pay off in the end.
Sports are a privilege and an "extra" activity that should be a reward for maintaining good behavior and grades at school. Sports can get expensive and time consuming for parents. He should know that it is not expected of you as a parent to provide him with extras if he is not doing what he is supposed to. Maybe you should just warn him and tell him that he has X amount of time to show some improvement or by that date you will no longer be allowing him to participate in that sport. Or maybe just make him sit out a few practices or a game to let him know you mean business.

Good luck!
T.

4 moms found this helpful

I would take away whatever is going to motivate him to change his behavior. I agree you should send a strong and serious message that lets him know there are consequences at home for behavior at school. It sounds like he does not mind going to detention since he keeps doing the behavior so obviously he does not consider detention much of a punishment. I would ask myself as the parent what has changed recently for him to need/want so much negative attention. May be he is trying to tell you something or get you to pay more attention to him or something is bothering him and he is not sure how to deal with it? If there is nothing else going on then yes pulling the sports for the weekend would be an option. The key to success here is 1.) you have to be able to follow through all the way and not give into the begging & 2.) whatever you take away has to be something that he will be motivated to do better at school. Playing sports is a priviledge, not a right, in my opinion.

Another approach, would be to notice when he is doing good and make a BIG deal about it. He may be more motivated by positive praise and positive attention. If he is only getting noticed when he is being bad in school then someone (ie the teacher) should really take some notice of when your son is doing good in school. A child is not behaving badly every second of the day so there has to be at least once or twice when the teacher could comment on your son doing the right thing (ie. "Great job staying in your seat for that lesson" or "I liked how you raised your hand"). I think sometimes when a child starts getting noticed for only when they behave badly then that perpetuates the problem even further. Positive praise and a strong consequences can hopefully turn the situation around.

3 moms found this helpful

Hi S.,
The way you describe it: sounds like you do not feel this is too serious... and it may not be, but it also sounds like you are trying to walk a very fine line.

The things you describe your son as being punished for are disrespect in the classroom. That may not seem serious at this age: but if you don't back up the teacher now, do you think the behavior will fix itself, or get worse?

Your gut is telling you to take action, because you have a beautiful son with a wonderful sense of humor, but you also want him to be a good student and live up to his full potential.

*Now* is the age to teach him that Mom will stick up for teacher, and he needs to learn to keep the silly stuff for weekends and the playground. Otherwise: why should he take the teacher seriously anyway? Detention?? who cares?? -- right?

Good luck, mama!
t

3 moms found this helpful

What does detention involve at his school? It is inconvenient and can be embarassing, but it isn't really much in the way of punishment. It is more like a forced study hall. Just time to get his homework done without distractions.

The behaviors that you describe SHOULDN'T be tolerated by the teacher in the classroom.

You have to make the final decision about the punishment but you have to be consistent. Dealing with the whining and crying is the unfortunate part of being the parent.

Sports are a privilege and privileges should be earned. Missing the game isn't the punishment...it is a privilege that HE didn't earn that week. The punishnment is doing extra chores. There are plenty of other ways to keep kids physically active...practice is one thing when they run drills, but a game is an awful lot of time sitting.

P.S. I am single mom too...I know the whining and begging and crying can get tiresome...and mine is only THREE! I just know it only works to be consistent, they get smarter than us really fast!

3 moms found this helpful

I know this is late, but I feel strongly on the subject.

Take sports away. Athletics, for all their positives, are a privilege. One must earn them. I believe children of all ages must learn/be reminded that our actions have consequences and can have negative consequences for others. With his lousy behavior in class, he has interrupted the education of 20 or so other students, he's made life miserable for his teachers (subs or otherwise) and he's embarrassed and upset you. What's not to punish?

And, frankly, if more parents punished at home to back up the punishment at school, I think we'd see less poor behavior in schools. I've taught secondary school (7-12) for 17 years and every teacher on campus can tell you whose parents follow up at home and whose parents are of the "school punishment is enough" group. Those whose parents follow up are rarely repeat offenders.

As for the begging for the next three days. There are several options: stay in his room (so he can't talk to you), extra chores (so he's too busy to talk) or, the one I would use: every time he begs, whines or brings it up (unless it's to apologize profusely and offer to write his teacher a note of apology), he loses another practice or game. If he's an A/B student, he's smart enough to keep his mouth shut. Draconian, but effective.

And, yes, I do this to my own sons. Truly, there's nothing harder for a kid than to tell his coach he's missing something because he acted foolishly.

Good luck...and thanks for listening!

3 moms found this helpful

Like Leah, I'm really not a fan of pulling sports as punishment for younger kids for all the reasons she mentioned. (Although, ironically, we did tonight... kiddo got banished to his room until bedtime this afternoon, and missed gymnastics... but gymnastics was collateral damage).

I'm also not a fan of Double Jeopardy. As early as K, kiddo started keeping things from me so he "wouldn't get in trouble", or because he was embarrassed/scared. So we instituted a no double jeopardy & anti-5th-amendment clauses in our family, and the floodgates opened. If he'd already gotten in trouble once, he would NOT get in trouble again BUT we could work on solutions...and if you didn't get caught but are owning up, you also don't get in trouble, but can still get the solution brainstorm/shoulder to cry on. Making the solutions not attached to the punishment has been working really well... I think because it's turned things into a collaborative affair/ brainstorming/ confidante situation. (For all those who remember I started homeschooling in 1st grade, kiddo is in 3-4 hours of outside classes a day).

Anyhow... that's just what we do.

3 moms found this helpful

He will be in 6th grade next year. Here in Austin that is middle school. There is Zero tolerance for this type of behavior and if he ends up in detention it is a lot rougher than in elementary school.

The fact that this is the 4th day? means he is not getting the message that he has really messed up.

If my child were in the class with a kid that was this disruptive, I would not be pleased.. I would start to think he needed to be moved to another class or needed to be evaluated.

Missing sports is the least he should have to miss out on. I like the suggestion of heavy yard work and maybe even having to write an essay explaining what he has learned and how he is going to change his behavior.

2 moms found this helpful

I would say no because:

1. You made a commitment to the team when you signed up, if the team won't even notice he's gone then perhaps I would hold him out or drop him for the season.

2. What's he going to be like without any gross motor play.

3. I heard recently from a counselor at our Grandparents Raising Grandchildren meeting that taking stuff away doesn't work as well as just limiting things. Kind of "abense doesn't make the heart grow fonder it makes the heart forget" and I have to agree based on our experiences. When K would lose her Barbie's for her grounding she would just fill the void with other toys and wouldn't even ask for them for, one time, a month. She had forgotten them.

He used a cell phone as an example. The child would be grounded, excuse me, limited to only using the cell phone from 6:30 to 7:30 and if he got calls any other time than that he had to tell them he couldn't talk. I think if he went ahead and talked then he had to turn it off. But the point was he had the access but not be able to use it, so it was in his face the whole time....

I don't know what I would do but I would definantly be at the school talking to the Principle and working out something to help get through to your child. It may even taking you going to school every day and visiting his class all day.

2 moms found this helpful

I honestly don't think its a bad idea. Weather he just gets to sit on the bench and not play, or just staying home altogether I think it would get your point across. My 12 yr old daughter loves sports-doesnt matter what it is - sometimes she is extremely mouthy and disrepectful to me. I have told her that if it doesn't stop the sports will. Doesn't matter if it is a school sport or one I pay for her to play- its a priveledge to play and needs to be earned. Sometimes nothing else works. Wii is off limits, ipod too, tvs out of room- whats left?? Sometimes you have to be harsh(take the sports away if thats what they love) to get the point across. I always tell my kids school comes first! Good luck to you. I hope whatever you decided to do works!
J.- mom of 3

2 moms found this helpful

Grounding from sports is a definite YES!!!!!!
It's a privelege. Not a right.
If he can't behave in class, no sports.
I have a friend whose kid was constantly in trouble and getting detention.
(May I add she is a teacher at the same school?)
She literally marched in and took her child out of detention because it was interfering with his karate lessons. She placed no blame on her child for his own behavior and even went so far as to undermine a fellow teacher for trying to use a discipline tactic that every other student who acted up had to adhere to.
He basically got kicked out of karate for not following the rules of discipline there either. In the 7th grade!
Don't make the same mistake.
If your son is so active, make him get active raking the yard, taking the trash out, sweeping the walk. It's called chores. I know too many moms who are afraid to put the hammer down and be taken as dead serious because they don't want to hear the whining or the arguing so it's easier just to let the kid have their way. It's NOT easier in the long run! And the older they get, the harder it is to make them understand you mean business.
I would tell your son that every day of detention is another day of no baseball. PERIOD!!!. How ever many games and practices he misses is completely up to him at that point.
Would he rather behave and have sports or would he rather serve detention on top of every chore you can find for him to do at home including scrubbing toilets, cleaning the garage or folding and putting away all the laundry, doing the dishes by hand and putting them away?
His choice.
You really should only have to prove to him you are dead serious a few times and he won't push it anymore.
That's my opinion.
I raised 2 kids by myself and everyone tells me they are the most well behaved kids they've ever met. It's because I didn't have time to mess around with their foolishness and getting in trouble on top of working to give them all the things I could possibly give them. If they didn't appreciate their extra activities enough to do the usual expected behavior in class, their "fun" extra activities got yanked and I found a bunch of not so fun activities to replace them.
And I never for once let them think that screwing off at school wouldn't have implications at home as well.
I was strict out of necessity and it didn't hurt my kids one single bit. In fact...it was better for them that way. My kids, like any other normal kids will try to do, would have run all over me.
If they got in trouble at school.....
Let's put it this way....
Never had a problem with it.

If your son is in shock that you are serious, and he may be..get some earplugs and just work his legs so much that his mouth will even be too tired to work at the end of the day.

Stand up, Mama! It's for his own good in the long run, I'm telling ya.

Best wishes.

2 moms found this helpful

When I punish my kids the only thing that works is punishing them from something they think is really important in there lives. If it sports then thats what it has to be. For the behavior to stop the punishment has to impact them in a way that they will not want to be punished again. I've threatened with taking sports away but my son know how serious I am and fixes his situation. I know that punishing them actually punishes us more but which is worse, 1 weekend of begging or weeks of bad behavior at school?

2 moms found this helpful

(Sorry, I don't know what that "updated" thing is in my reply, I didn't do that. It just popped up by itself? Is it a glitch on the website?)

Lots of good perspectives here.

Now, 4 detentions in 7 days... c'mon, that is a lot.
Some kids go through school with no detentions. Detentions are not the norm. But is seems so for your son.
And, there is a certain degree of a kid getting de-sensitized to it and the punishment. After awhile, detention is just a joke to them. Nor do they show any kind of "remorse" or "respect" toward the Teacher or the punishment. No hindsight.

So, with that in mind, you really have to see what your son is lacking and not learning and that there is just no SERIOUS take on it, by your son.

Your son is the class-clown, the "cool" one... etc. So, he has his "role" in class and a reputation for being that way. He is not going to suddenly "give up" his cool-ness factor in class nor school. AND, his peers, the friends he hangs with... all play into his persona at school too.

Now, if he is punished at school for his behavior, but is not at home... then that shows that at home, its okay. That his behavior is NOT taken seriously, nor academics, nor his "character" to be mature, nor anything. So... he will continue to take it as a joke, that he gets detention at school, because his "parents" don't take it seriously either.
And, even if he gets his toys taken away at home...well he doesn't take that seriously either. Everything seems to be a big joke to him, and that he can get away with stuff. And, those punishments at home, is futile, because it does NOT work, to improve his character.

Sure take away sports. Why not? It is deserved. So what if he begs. Tough love.

Next, he is 11... and it is bound to get worse, if he continually takes everything as a joke and shows no TRUE remorse for it. He gets "cool" reactions to him being the class clown and cool dude... so why should he stop? Students probably do laugh at his antics, and egg him on. So he keeps doing it.
Unless the general school culture was the opposite... and behavior like this was NOT accepted, culturally or in the environment... then he'd be whistling a different tune. One that was more behaved... because then he would be ostracized, by the "group."

I would ALSO... start making him accountable in life/at home... have him do chores and EARN allowance. MAKE him, volunteer at a charity or with helping those less fortunate than him. REAL life lessons and how his behavior is really really crass... in light of what some kids do not have, and that in helping others, maybe he will "realize" the value.... of his actions, in comparison.

All the best,
Susan

Updated

Lots of good perspectives here.

Now, 4 detentions in 7 days... c'mon, that is a lot.
Some kids go through school with no detentions. Detentions are not the norm. But is seems so for your son.
And, there is a certain degree of a kid getting de-sensitized to it and the punishment. After awhile, detention is just a joke to them. Nor do they show any kind of "remorse" or "respect" toward the Teacher or the punishment. No hindsight.

So, with that in mind, you really have to see what your son is lacking and not learning and that there is just no SERIOUS take on it, by your son.

Your son is the class-clown, the "cool" one... etc. So, he has his "role" in class and a reputation for being that way. He is not going to suddenly "give up" his cool-ness factor in class nor school. AND, his peers, the friends he hangs with... all play into his persona at school too.

Now, if he is punished at school for his behavior, but is not at home... then that shows that at home, its okay. That his behavior is NOT taken seriously, nor academics, nor his "character" to be mature, nor anything. So... he will continue to take it as a joke, that he gets detention at school, because his "parents" don't take it seriously either.
And, even if he gets his toys taken away at home...well he doesn't take that seriously either. Everything seems to be a big joke to him, and that he can get away with stuff. And, those punishments at home, is futile, because it does NOT work, to improve his character.

Sure take away sports. Why not? It is deserved. So what if he begs. Tough love.

Next, he is 11... and it is bound to get worse, if he continually takes everything as a joke and shows nor TRUE remorse for it. He gets "cool" reactions to him being the class clown and cool dude... so why should he stop? Students probably do laugh at his antics, and egg him on. So he keeps doing it.
Unless the general school culture was the opposite... and behavior like this was NOT accepted, culturally or in the environment... then he'd be whistling a different tune. One that was more behaved... because then he would be ostracized, by the "group."

I would ALSO... start making him accountable in life/at home... have him do chores and EARN allowance. Have him volunteer at a charity or with helping those less fortunate than him. REAL life lessons and how his behavior is really really crass... in light of what some kids do not have, and that in helping others, maybe he will "realize" the value.... of his actions, in comparison.

All the best,
Susan

2 moms found this helpful

I think you need to punish him because he got detention. Detention is the punishment for his actions in school. If sports are the only way to get a point to him then that's what it need to be. I once heard when it comes to your children to decide what is more important and needed is, will it make a difference with who or what he becomes in life. His character and how he listens to people and respects authority will make a difference. His education will make a difference in his life. Unless he is destined to become a professional athlete sports ( which is a long shot) will not. If it has the pull right now in him use it. For every detention he gets he misses a game. He still has to go to practice but can not play and tell the coach with him present. Tell him he is letting down his team as he is letting down his classmates by his behavior. He is taking away and destracting their learning time and education. For his past behavior maybe make him do extra chores at home enough to make an impact. Tell him next time a game for a detention. I feel it is important to let kids know what will happen for an action ahead of time (if it is something really important to them) that way when the whinning comes it was not your doing it was theirs they had the choice. Best of luck to you and your son.

2 moms found this helpful

If you have taken away privilieges and he is still acting up in school then I say take away sports , if that is the area that he really cares about. Yes they should have consequences in school but the parent should also back that up aswell. At the moment he probably thinks he has the upper hand and that you won't take away his sports , take it away and let him learn the hard way. If he can't behave in school then he don't have his enjoyment....simple as that.

2 moms found this helpful

We had a similar situation with our 10 year old son. His normal behavior was being replaced by someone who refused to listen to his teacher and was constantly talking. After getting written up 3 times in 1 1/2 weeks, my husband and I decided that he couldn't go to the baseball game that Saturday. I called his coach, who actually gave us a really good suggestion.

The coach suggested that we bring our son to the game on Saturday, and make him sit in the stands (not with the rest of the team) and cheer his team on. Then, the coach came over and talked with our son and let him know that his behavior at school was inappropriate and if he wanted to play on his team, he had to behave. The other kids on the team asked why our son wasn't playing and the coach told him that it was because he was messing up at school. The coach then pointed to his son and told him that if he didn't shape up, the next week it would be him sitting out the game.

I totally encourage an outlet for their energy, but that can happen in many, many ways. If the loss of the video games and TV aren't affecting him, you have to find something that he values. Baseball is a privilege, not a right. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

Hi S.!

My first thought is how right the advise you've gotten so far is. If you take away the sports he will just act out more. He needs the outlet sports provide. Also, double punishment is excessive and can become a bigger trigger over time as he might think there is nothing left to lose.

My advise to you is that positive reinforcement often works better. If you can figure out what his main motivator is (something not sports) then you can help him work toward it. For example, is he very invested in getting the Wii fixed so he can play? You could have him earn a certain amount of money (real or not) or points he would earn daily to go toward getting it fixed. Thereafter, what he earns would go toward 'buying' the privilege to play. You can apply this idea to the extent you need or feel necessary. This works well because kids can have immediate gratification with daily rewards and lots of praise and at the same time work toward a long-term goal.

The fact that the teacher is so intolerant is what strikes me the most. While you can work with your son at home, school is different. It can have a lasting effect on kids. If you can find a way to motivate and give your son success then he won't feel as if he is a failure or as if things won't change. When kids have a hard time in school they often do think this and generalize. It is important to help him see this is a temporary situation and that he has the power to change it for the better.

Ask the teacher for some time to talk. If he won't, then set a conference directly with the principal and the teacher to discuss what is going on. Don't let them just brush you off. You are your son's biggest suporter and advocate. School needs to know:
1) You are willing to set up discipline, rewards and consequences at
home that work.
2) You are not willing to tolerate misbehavior at school.
3) You are not willing to allow your son to be blamed for everything.
His teacher is part of whatever is going on too.

Your son has the right to be upset too and the right to be heard. That is only going to happen through you. If you can, get all agreements in writing. Tell them it's so that your son can see everyone is on the same page. This will give you something to refer back to.

I like the idea of getting your son's coach involved. My boyfriend is a coach and you can bet those kids look for his approval. He is there to teach the kids about work ethic as well respect for authority and his peers too.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

I think pulling one game is fine. It will get the message across that you are serious. As he gets older, the privilege of participating in athletics is (or is supposed to be) tied to academic performance, so I think that's an appropriate consequence. It stinks when their punishment is a punishment for us, but, look at it this way, if he's begging then that means you've chosen an effective consequence. Hopefully you'll only have to do it once.

I would never think that you should not have a home punishment just because there was one at school. I feel that too many parents concede disciplinary decisions to their children's teachers. *We* are the parents. Ultimately, our children learn respect for authority from us.

That being said, I do think that his behavior warrants a discussion with both your son and his teacher. What is going on? Why is he suddenly acting out? Are there more effective outlets for his energy?

Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

If he were in high school and this happened, he would probably have to sit out games if he were on the high school team. At our high school, you can be pulled from games for academic as well as other reasons. This would be one of those reasons. Yes, I would make him sit out a game or two.

2 moms found this helpful

I always thought the class clowns were a joke..maybe if you could tell him he's making a fool of himself by doing that stuff he might straighten out...like tell him you're embarrassed b/c he thinks its funny but really people look back at class clowns like big idiots??? sort of a reverse psychology?? tell him its dorky...but who knows.....maybe one day he'll become a comedian..i'm sure people like Jack Black were probably class clowns..pull him from the game...though i like it when kids are active but if that is something he really enjoys seems like that could work.

1 mom found this helpful

For a proper response I need more information. Is this the first time your son has gotten into trouble for this sort of thing? What is his history at school like? Has he always been a "class clown"? Is he gifted and is bored, trying to entertain himself in class? Is he behind and bored so is trying to distract someone else so he is not alone in not understanding the material the class is working on? Is he disrespectful to adults in general? Or does he generally know how to behave in a proper and respectful manner?

If this is the first time (this past week) that this has happened... then what has changed in his environment? If this has been an ongoing problem for a while, but the teachers have just generally been tolerant and not made a big deal of it, then what has been the reaction at HOME (you and dad) to his misbehavior these past times. The first day he came home and had detention... what was YOUR response?
My son rec'd detention for something at school one time last year (5th grade also) for the FIRST TIME EVER he had been in ANY disciplinary trouble at school. It was a MAJOR BIG DEAL at home. MAJOR. I didn't totally agree with the detention... there was another student in his class that instigated things and had a LOT of personal problems and anger management issues, and there was an incident. BUT, there WAS an incident and my son DID behave in a way not appropriate; and we parents backed the school up, and he served his detention and was not happy about it. He was even less happy with his restrictions at home. NO TV or any electronics at all. NONE. No friends over. etc. Not to mention the lecture he endured.

What does his Dad say about all this?

As for the sports aspect... why not restrict him from practices, but let him go for the game. (Tell the coach what is going on.) He likely will be all dressed out for the game but won't be allowed to play (or only play for the minimum time).. and he will be upset about it. His coach only has to say that he missed practice, so he doesn't play. If he is so inclined, I'm sure the coach has a handy little speech about responsibility to the team including practice, etc. The end. That might get his attention.

1 mom found this helpful

I would say talk to his coach and see how the coach feels about it. Maybe you and the coach can work out some consequences. The coach could also talk to him. (Not that you shouldn't also but at that age parents are ALWAYS wrong in the eyes of children) Chances are your son really respects his coach and would take it to heart if the coach was giving him the "I'm really disappointed in you" speech.

Good Luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Let him go. Talk to him sit him down find out why he is the class clown?. Doe's he do it for attention where are his friends. Make him sit for the same lenght of time the class is and study. There is something he is not telling you. Hope it helps.

1 mom found this helpful

Sit down with him and tryto explain to him that he is harming his future dont remove sports good luck A. no hills

Updated

SIT DOWN WITH HIM AND TRYTO EXPLAIN TO HIM THAT HE IS HARMING HIS FUTURE DONT REMOVE SPORTS GOOD LUCK A. NO HILLS

1 mom found this helpful

I say it should depend on how he is doing in school grade wise. Is he getting good grades? Acceptable for you? If so, I say you should allow the detentions to be punishment enough. But if he is messing around in class and has terrible grades by all means, pull the game. He will eventually have to learn that if he wants to play sports in HS it all depends on grades...no good grades...no play!

If he needs a strong punishment I am sure you can come up with an alternative....it really depends on the kid. Is he a good kid, being bored in class and trying to be MR. Funny Man or a bad kid being disrespectful to his teacher and pushing his boundaries because he knows there will be no real consequences?

1 mom found this helpful

I would spend a day or two in the classroom with him. Every time he acts up you'll be there to correct him. Just sit in the back (or next to him) and observe. I think he'll be so embarrassed to have his mom there that he will think twice about his actions next time. My mom threatened this in high school when I was skipping school and I was so freaked out that I stopped ditching class. Or...if he really wants to be the class clown you could work with the teacher to give him a shot to show his stuff. He can think of something funny he wants to do for the kids and if he keeps himself in check all day then he can be rewarded at the end of the day with a few minutes to perform his funny act.

1 mom found this helpful

no, don't ground him from sports... He needs to get his extra energy out.
My boys are ages 10 and 12. The punishment at school needs to be more strict. Taking away recess is just causing problems. You should talk to the teacher and allow your son his lunch recess. This way he is not destructive in class..... sitting all day will cause problems for an active child!

Investigate the detention... what is he doing during his punishment at school? Is the teacher willing to work with you on this issue? He can scrub desks, look for trash on the playground or write sentences til his little hand hurts? Detention must be a walk in the park if he doesn't care about serving it. In our school, if you serve detention, you have to serve it in the lower grades.
My Jordan was talking back to the teacher. He had to serve his detention in the Kindergarten Classroom. He was made to clean up after craft time, assist with math and computers. Younger kids don't have an attention span... Jordan went nuts!! On another occasion, he was sent to 3rd grade. He had to do all their work plus his own. He had so much homework the "crime was not worth the time". And it was degrading......

Seek the teacher's help! If you are not close with his teacher, seek a teacher at the school who will listen to your plea.

Good luck,
M./

1 mom found this helpful

If you have taken away all other priviledges away then yes take away the sports. He needs to know you are serious. I have had to do that once and my daughter has never forgotten. I have also taken away going to a birthday party hours before the party started. We took the gift but didn't stay. Our children have to know we are serious and mean business.

1 mom found this helpful

Here is something we used with our boys. It gets the attention. I would for each infraction make him copy pages out of an encyclopedia. Not a childrens all pictures one but something like func and wagnels. It does 2 things. makes them think about doing whatever the infraction was again and works on their handwriting. my kids know all there is to know about aardvarks lol

1 mom found this helpful

Dear S.,

The fact that your son is 11 requires more structure and discipline. Has your son always been disruptive in class? If so, have you considered him having ADHD? If that is the case, that explains his difficulty in staying quiet while it's required. Nevertheless, discipline should be implemented and if baseball is so important to him, perhaps he'll re-think twice if he misbehave again.

1 mom found this helpful

I say no. We never took away church (or church related events/activities) or sports when our kids were in trouble. As for the sports, it's not fair to the team. He should be punished - but there are other options - loss of privileges, no dessert, early bedtime, extra chores, etc.
However, we always made it clear that good grades and good behavior were a prerequisite to play sports. Perhaps if he can't straighten up, he should not be allowed to sign up for baseball (or soccer or whatever) at the next season. My son wanted to play an instrument at school, but I knew it would take away from his school work and his grades were poor, so he didn't get that privilege, while my daughter did. My son was playing a high school sport and AYSO and struggling with the grades, so he made the choice to skip AYSO this season to focus on his grades, so that he could keep his high school sport. So, see, they do get it! LOL ;)

1 mom found this helpful

This is late and I didn't read all the responses so I apologize if I'm repeating. I think your son is acting out because this is a sub - classroom structure (if any) has changed and your son has no relationship with the person and no reason to please them other than to make you happy. What if you stopped focusing on what to take away and started focusing on positive rewards he can earn with consistent good behavior. What about a daily contract regarding behavior documented either on paper or in the daily homework agenda if he has one. Rating of 1-5 or so - I have a ton of contracts I provide to parents for daily or weekly checks. (I'm a school counselor) -- anyway - the school should have one. You could give rewards based on how well he does - not based on taking more and more away. Earn a trip to McDonalds with mom, tv time back... etc. ask him what he likes. If you continue with negatives, your son will continue to look for more ways to get negative attention from you. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I know a lot of people have answered, and I'm not reading them first, but I say "no." I was a teacher for many years (7-8th grade) and also mother of 7, 4 adopted with severe attention span problems. Class clown is definitely one way that kinds make up for feeling inadequate in some way. If your son has trouble concentrating then being the clown makes it seem "OK" to other kids. He can be admired for that, rather than looked down on.

You need to get to the source of the problem, and start dealing with that, rather than punishing. All the punishing in the world won't solve this problem, but it may eventually create a rebellious sullen kid who drops out -- either literally or symbolically.

I know the school year is almost over, but this isn't the right teacher for him. You need to visit the school and work out a better plan for your son for the future. He may be able to become engaged in changing his behavior, but it's going to take a lot of creative thought to come up with a plan that works and that he recognizes is better for him than clowning around.

S. Toji

1 mom found this helpful

Hi S.,
I'm one of those Mom's that thinks the school should handle school offenses and offer the consequence for what happens at school. Certainly you and your husband should sit him down and tell him your concerns, but don't do double duty on the consequences. I wouldn't even take away his Wii. When I would take away the Wii is if his grades begin to fall because he is not getting his homework done. I would take it away on school nights for six weeks. If the grades go up, he gets it back. To me this would be a natural consequence (not punitive) that just makes good sense.

Talk to the teacher and the principal and come up with a game plan together for how to handle the "in school" infractions........whether that's to sit out of the game or not, included. In my humble opinion you shouldn't be the bad guy for those things. You should be the sympathetic Mom. Keep home safe and loving when you can. Say to him when he finds out he has to stay after school or miss a game, "Bummer! I'm so sorry honey. What do you think you could do to earn your privileges back?" Or, "What do you think you could do differently to stop that from happening again?" Help him to figure it out himself.

All that said, I hate to take an outlet like athletics away from a high energy kid. Seems self defeating.

Think about what are the natural consequences of his actions. For example, if he screws around in class and has to be sent to the principals office. Then he will have to stay after class to make up the work. Or come in early. Pick a time he won't like. That will help him remember to avoid getting in that predicament again.

If the teacher is too tough, let him/her know you think he/she should loosen up a bit. It's okay to be on your son's side as long as you don't undermine the teacher. Your son will like knowing that you talked to the teacher, but he also has to understand the teacher has the final word. In his life he will have to deal with a lot of different kind of people. Ask not to have that teacher next year. It could just be a personality conflict.

Last thing. Are these detentions a new thing? If yes.....what is going on? Spend time alone with your boy. Or have your husband take him out. See if a good talk can happen!

Good Luck......5th grade is a tough year. You are almost done!
P.

1 mom found this helpful

I would think you could come up with another punishment other than making him miss his game.

A broken wii and tv he rarely watches are not punishment. Rather than taking something away, how about giving him some extra chores? If the chores are not done in time, then he has to miss the game. How about making him write a letter of appology to his teacher and his classmates?

This "they're punished at school and shouldn't be punished at home" seems absolutly ridiculous to me. If you expect his behavior to change, both you and the school need to be on the same page, and you need to support each other.

1 mom found this helpful

I will start by saying that I'm a teacher, so you can take my opinion as you will, based on that...=)

I definitely think you should pull sports. It drives me CRAZY when parents don't! If nothing else is working, that will. Education should always come first. There's a reason that students must maintain a certain GPA to play for school teams.

Good luck!

If you punish him by keeping him out of the game you are also punishing the rest of the kids on his team by not having him there. You should have him do extra chores around the house or something else than keeping him out of sports.

The question becomes, what sport does he play, and how much "sports" do you take off the plate. I know of several sports (baseball, wrestling football) where a missed season will put your child at a great competitive disadvantage to miss time on the field or mat. Missing a game or match MIGHT be OK, but removing the child from the game altogether is a recipe for disaster. By participating in sports, kids become healthier, happier and more well rounded adults. Sports help kids in a variety of ways from building stronger bones, to building a foundation for school, and life success. When a child is having trouble, taking sports out of the equation, can serve to only exacerbate the problems and issue. It sounds to me like you should have your child tested for ADD/HD. If he is indeed found to have ADD, then it is absolutely CRITICAL that you DO NOT use sports as a punishment. He vitally needs a way to burn off excess energy, and get regular exercise that will enable him to sleep more soundly, and just be healthier in general. Removing a structured activity like sports will cause more problems than it solves.

I know you did an update but I just wanted to say I agree with this post:

It's even more discouraging to read your side comment that it's funny that a teacher should be in this profession because he's intolerant of poor behavior. Teaching is a stressful profession in today's educational climate. Students are expected to master a lot of rigorous material, to demonstrate that they understand and that they can use that knowledge and skill set. They have breaks at recess and when they get home. The classroom is no place for playing, clowning around or showing off. Parents need to respect their child's education. Your child's teacher is not your advisary, they are your ally. You need to be a united team for your child.

School is children's work. They have an obligation to themselves to get their learning done daily and to let others learn. They need to let the teacher teach.

Required Fields

Our records show that we already have a Mamapedia or Mamasource account created for you under the email address you entered.

Please enter your Mamapedia or Mamasource password to continue signing in.

Required Fields

, you’re almost done...

Since this is the first time you are logging in to Mamapedia with Facebook Connect, please provide the following information so you can participate in the Mamapedia community.

As a member, you’ll receive optional email newsletters and community updates sent to you from Mamapedia, and your email address will never be shared with third parties.

By clicking "Continue to Mamapedia", I agree to the Mamapedia Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy.