It's Father's Day, Should I Be Irrated?

The thing is--without a "plan" in place--he probably didn't have a clue what you all intended to do. I'd make it clearer next year.

Fathers day should be whatever he wants to do. The other issues need solving in general separately.

It is father's day and not child's day.

In my opinion it is dad's choice as to how he spends the day...just like it is mom's choice as to how she spends the day on Mother's day.

Don't be irritated because the day didn't go as *you* planned it to go.

Okay, well honestly I would chalk this up to miscommunication. I get that you're irritated b/c you had planned this really fun thing for you and the kids to do and they were diappointed and it didn't happen, etc. But...it is Father's Day and, in my opinion, he should get to golf, and chill and nap and be as lazy as he wants. It sounds like you didn't understand that these were his goals for the day and you went out of your way to do something nice and when it got "ruined" you got pissed. I get it, but don't explode, it will not help. I think that when he wakes up you talk to him and just say that you guys were disappointed b/c you didn't realize he'd be gone so long and you wanted some family time. Hopefully he'll talk to the kids and tell them thanks again for the gifts and that he missed them but he really appreciated that he got some time to do "dad" stuff and I'm sure that will cheer them right up. Then, try and move on. Hang in there!

Well... did your Husband, KNOW... of your/your children's plans?????
If not, then he was not errant, about it or going golfing.
He seemed to have made his 'own' day of it.

The day, ideally, should have been planned in advance. So that your Husband knew of his kids' anticipation and wanting to do something for him etc.
It seems, your Husband did not know.
And/or, he had a different idea of what he wanted to do, for Father's Day.
Did anyone ASK him, what HE wanted to do for Father's Day?

Granted, most men, perhaps, do do things, with their kids.
Or yes, they go out do a dinner. Which that is family time. Too.
So to him, that probably counts.

And, this seems like a really big miscommunication.
Of each person not knowing what the other is/was thinking, nor what the expectations were.

Men... generally DO NOT anticipate things, nor think of things 5 steps in advance and they just do not think.
They do not know, what is not told to them.
And even if told to them, they still don't know.

Does he do this every Sunday? If so I suggest this is a symptom of your "not so good" relationship and urge you to start counseling. If he won't go, you go and learn how to handle such situations in a healthier way. Getting this angry solves nothing and makes you and your children miserable.

Did he know you were planning a brunch? Sounds like he didn't. I wonder if you're in that space where communication is mostly non-existent so you are frequently upset. If he didn't know, why would you be angry other than just because you're angry in general with him.

I urge you to find a way for better communication. And get counseling so that you can learn how to handle your anger in a constructive way.

I suggest the book, Nonviolent Communication. It's a way to talk with each other in a manner that encourages information and feeling sharing without the anger.

I completely understand your frustration, but it is FATHER's Day, and you've now made it about yourself and the kids. It should be a day where Dad gets to do what he wants. He didn't know about the special brunch, so you can't really hold it against him. Why not make breakfast for dinner? Then the kids still get to prepare him a special meal.

Fathers Day is FATHERS Day.

If you all have plans in the future, make sure they are verbalized ahead of time.. not assumed and not projected.

As women most want to spend time with their families on Mothers Day.. Many men love to use this day to do what THEY like to do. Just because it is playing golf, does not mean that is the wrong priority, or that they do not love us enough or the RIGHT way.. it means (Traditionally) , they work all week at the office, they come home and work at home fixing the house and dealing with the cars, etc,, So to have the chance to play.. IS a treat.

IF you had other ideas, do not set him up to fail in your eyes, instead give him the heads up.. Maybe the week ahead.. What you have planned.. I know my dad made his reservations to play golf this Fathers day 2 weeks ago.. He has been talking about it ever since.. Since it is 108 today, he went as early as possible.. And I am sure he needed a nap when he got home..

Reading your posts, it screams of you, just not being secure or happy in your marriage, as though you are disappointed that he does not make the right (the choices you would make) choices.. Marriage does not work that way. It works by each person accepting the other person for who they are, and not trying to change them, but by learning how to best communicate, so that each understands what the other is feeling and what they need. It is a total give and take, but not a demand and project.

Please consider counseling. It saved our marriage over 20 years ago. we were 5 minutes away from just quitting our marriage.. But we then realized we had learned how to talk with each other..

Your family is worth this effort.

I'm sorry but that sounds like a perfect father's day, and it's pretty much what my husband does every year, golf, tv sports marathon, no chores, nap if he wants to.
I do the same, I get the day off to do whatever I want on mother's day!
Yes sometimes there are cards or flowers or breakfasts involved, but we have enough going on in our lives without making a big deal out of every "special" day. I know every family is different (and some people like the big deal to be made) but it sounds like you are probably upset about more than what's going on today. Did you discuss the plan with him ahead of time or just assume he'd be around?
And if the whole family is going to the country club then why isn't that family time?
Don't explode, take a breath, have a nice time tonight and discuss it later. The two of you may just have very different expectations of what father's (mother's) day should be.

Well it's his day to do as he chooses. If you had set up plans in advance and let him know that the plan included brunch and whatever else you and the kids wanted to do then sure, be angry that he blew you off. But if you just let things go and assumed he'd be sitting around all day waiting for you and the kids to do stuff, then there's honestly nothing wrong with him making plans. How many moms say that their dream mother's day would be to go out to brunch with girlfriends, get a mani-pedi, relax without the kids, etc? Plenty. If his dream father's day is a day off from being dad, then who are we to judge? I've always found it interesting that we assume that mother's day should be a day "off" from mothering but father's day should be a hand's on day.

I would let him know that the kids had some special things planned and that they were disappointed that he wasn't around, and specify that next year, you want to make sure to plan in advance so that everyone is on the same page and everyone's expectations are met.

Yes, I'd be irate. However... Did you tell him that you and the kids had something planned for him around 11:00? If not, he wouldn't know. Also, if it were me, I'd wake him up and tell him, "I know you're tired, but you made the choice to get up at the crack of dawn and the kids and I really worked h*** o* this Father's Day stuff. I had my heart set on spending some family time together today, so can you please power through?" You might be surprised by how he reacts - he'll probably feel like a heel.

It has taken me seven years of marriage to realize that I have to tell my husband exactly what I want and why I'm mad. For years I stomped around, slammed doors, stewed and pouted because I thought he should KNOW that coming home and falling asleep on the couch on Father's Day was completely unacceptable. I didn't think that I should have to tell him that; I wanted him to figure that out for himself and that was the problem. He doesn't; he never will because those things are not as important to him personally. However, once he realized how important they were to me they became important to him by default, for my sake. He jumps to do everything he can to make me happy by spending time with me. I just can't act snotty about it - "Well, I WANTED to spend the day together, but apparently sleeping on the couch is more important." That will get you nowhere (although exactly what I'd feel like saying!). I have to step back, take a deep breath and ask for what I need in a respectful way. You don't have to be mushy, gushy sweet. I think it's okay if he realizes you're hurt, but be civil about it.

Don't get me wrong; I'm no sage on marriage - we're still in the beginning stages and you've probably got more experience than I do. However, that just happened to be something that has really improved our marriage that I thought might help you today. Good luck and hang in there.

I can understand being annoyed, but in all fairness, did he KNOW that you were planning a special brunch for him and the kids were excited about giving him gifts and all that? Did he give you a specific time that he would be back and didn't follow through (prompting you the text him and have him tell you 2:30) or he did he not let you know any time that he would be back? Like some others have said, your post sounds like neither of you are communicating with each other very effectively. You can consider marriage counseling if you feel it would help and there are other issues that need to be resolved, but really, when it comes to communication, I think it is very simple - never assume your partner can read your mind. Nobody is a mind reader, nobody can possibly automatically know what is going through your head at any given moment. I see so many posts on here from moms that are peeved and frustrated because the dads don't help enough around the house, they don't do XYZ with the kids, etc. But they've never SAID anything! Maybe if more of us were just more open and upfront with our husbands, and gave them a heads up when we have something special planned or could use their help, we wouldn't have so many issues.

He didn't know about the surprises, and you didn't know about the golf, correct? Miscommunication at it's finest. It's Father's Day, so I don't really think you can be mad at him.

It sounds like there is obviously more to this story than just today. Don't get mad. Get get to the root problem of why he's escaping every day to go golfing.

THe one thing my husband gets very irritated at is when I plan and dont' tell him, then think that he will just magically know that I planned something for all of us, but he doesn't and goes off and does something on his own.
It does no good to get mad.
Let him know nicely, that you and the kids wanted to have brunch with him.
THen next year, two weeks before Father's Day tell him the plan, remind him a week before and then remind him on Saturday, the day before. Allow for golf and relaxation.

It's Father's day today mama. Explode tomorrow.
Did he know that you had a special brunch menu planned?
On Father's day I try to let my husband do what he wants. He worked. Now, he has spent about 3 hours watching soccer and he will watch a movie with my son later.
If he is like this all the time then I would def. talk with him, but I would not say anything today....then he can say, "It's father's day...I should be able to do what I want" Wait until tomorrow, then he can't say that.
Good luck,
L.

Any time you have a choice, choose not to be irritated, resentful, or negative. This ability to choose something brighter and happier will be a fabulous example for your kids. It's very, very easy to unconsciously make our children pawns in a struggle with a spouse. We do want them to be happy, and saddling them with our own negative thinking or strategies is not going to help them get there.

It sounds like your husband is using golf as an escape from family tensions. If you were him, you might make the same choice (not that it's a good choice, but people's behaviors are almost always strategies to meet some need they don't know how to satisfy any other way). It sounds like both of you could use some new strategies to handle family or marital disagreements. Counseling is a great start on that, even if you have to go on your own.

Fathering that leaves your children's needs out of the picture is surely not the best way to build a more positive future for any of you. But even though you have little-to-no-control over your husband's attitudes and choices, there's always a great deal you can learn about your own choices. Show your kids how satisfying this can be!

I think you need to separate two things One is his relationship with you and one is his relationship with the kids. Today is NOT about your marriage (make that an issue for some other day) Make today all about him and the kids. Tell him if the kids were disappointed they had so little time with him. Talk to him about how important Daddy time is for kids and for Dads and make it clear it is not about your needs (right now) but about what's best for your family. I've read a lot about research shows fathers who are very involved with their kids and the running of their home are happier and HEALTHIER than men who leave it all for their wives. Would reading these articles help convince him?

I don't get these men that go off and do things w/o their kids on fathers day! It's not a day to spend away from your family, it's a day to spend with your family...you know, the WHOLE reason you even have a fathers day!!! So yes, I would be irritated too!

He told you he would be back early and you took him at his word and as a result, had to sit around waiting for him. I think that was rude and selfish of him to do, especially to his kids.

Oh, and women are guilty of this too on mothers day, too!

I'm sorry, but fathers and mothers day, isn't meant for us to be by ourselves and spend the day w/o our families. We can do that on our birthdays!

Eh, I TOLD my husband to go nap and play. We were quiet and let him sleep late(r)---all of 7:30. Then we had breakfast, went to church. After that, it's all on him what he wants to do! It's father's day after all.
I put the boys to nap after lunch and told him to watch that idiotic man movie he was trying to peek at (stupid car racing, crashing, guns stuff) and nap on the couch, I was gonna do a few things that were on our to do list (finishing up moving). Now he's taken the oldest boy with him to a coworker's house to hang out while I finish up dinner. We'll have a nice dinner (because he knows about it and has been told what time to be home, lol) and when the boys are in bed, we'll have a nice time together. It's just "guy stuff" today. You should have asked what he WANTED to do, and then planned around it, and TOLD him about what was up for the day. But I understand being frustrated and feeling angry......just know that if this isn't an everyday thing with him, then there's no reason to REALLY feel that way.

In this house Mommy day and Daddy day are for the Mommy or Daddy to choose what to do. Most of the time it means sleeping in, choosing what activities are done or requesting something special. So for Mommy day, I got to sleep in till 11 got to go shopping at my stores with the family and my Husband cooked dinner that night. We talked about it the week before so we knew what to expect. My husband squeezed into that day card making with the kids and a cute little song. Yesterday my husband got to go to sleep in. We went to the stores he wanted to go to. Ate out at the restaurant he wanted to eat at. He Played video games all day after that and he got his requested hamburgers on the grill for dinner. In our house these days are for relaxing for the Mommy and Daddy not about spending the quality time with the kids. Sounds wrong maybe but that is how we handle it! Sounds like you just need to communicate on how you want to celebrate these days cause you can do it however works for your family!

also you kinda pushed the kids to do something he didn't want so yes they were dissapointed and I don't blame them but you can't put the blame on your hubby for not following your plan since it is his day.

Oh girl, this sounds just like my husband when things were not well in our marriage. After our marriage was restored(by God's grace) he is thoughtful and considered. Book "love and respect" really helped us.

Next year plan the father's day activities - dinner, gifts, for late afternoon or evening since Brunch time didn't work out. Most men who golf enjoy the game so much that they lose track of time. Try to plan something ahead of time with your kids to do earlier in the day that you all will look forward to. That way, everyone will enjoy the day.

It's hard to know what you are dealing with, how he can play golf for days, and what your problems are. So only you really know if this is just terrible. I can say that my husband works so hard that I don't care what he does today.

Did he know ahead of time that the kids were going to do brunch? When he left that morning did you actually talk about your day or were you silently testing him and he failed and now you have one more slash to use against him with the marriage issues? Just some thoughts.........

My husband and I don't run into these issues because BEFORE the holiday gets here, we have it planned out so there are no last minute surprises for anyone, we all know what is happening and what to expect. Althought it is "Father's Day" I don't know that I agree that he can just wake up and do what he wants, especially golf which he has done the last prior 3 days. So I would just talk to him and say you *thought* you had plans and they didn't quite go as you thought and you and the kids were a little disappointed. Ask him if in the future for holidays you can plan the day together and stick to it so everyone is on the same page and you don't run into this again. Good luck.

It's Father's Day and you are upset b/c he spent the day away from the very reason he gets to celebrate the day, which is understandable.

Just a couple of thoughts... this is probably not really about Father's Day. You are struggling in your marriage and you're angry that you put the time and effort into making the day special and he wasn't there to participate in it. My question to you is, did he know that you had things planned? Seriously. Did you say to him, the kids have planned a brunch for you and they have some gifts for you, so please make sure you are home by 1:00 or did you assume that he "knew" to be home.

Did you ask him how he wanted to spend the day or did you have a vision in mind that you planned without asking him? I'm not trying to minimize the day, but it seems to me that you have some pretty significant communication gaps in your marriage and this is just another example.

My husband does not pick-up on hints. Period. If I want something, want him to do something or need to know something, I ask. For Father's Day, I asked him several days ahead of time, What do you want to do? His answer- nothing. I want to hang-out with you guys at home, but could you get steaks for the grill and all the stuff I like for steaks?

I would suggest that the two of you start talking. Don't even bring this up b/c you're going to sound "naggy". If you can't find a way to communicate on your own and you want your marriage to survive, get a counselor involved and learn how to talk to one another.

I know the feeling! This sounds like a very typical incident in our house. One thing I have learned is that we NEVER wait around on daddy. If he is golfing the whole day is planned without him. In his mind, it's father's day and he is the father and what he wants to do is golf. As mothers we want nothing more than to spend mothers day with our children, but guys are naturally more selfish than we are. Not to be callus, but that's the truth. I have noticed that this is especially true for golfers. For some reason, when they are playing or thinking about golf the rest of the universe disappears in their minds. We still constantly fight about this issue and I am sure we always will. We actually had to resign from our country club. There were months where the kids would barely see their father, with him working during the week until late and then golfing all day and night on the weekends. I had to put my foot down. My only advice (and take it for what it is worth) is to catch him on a day where there is no golf planned and have a heart to heart about how much this hurts your feelings. I have learned if I put it that way he is more likely to be understanding about it. I once told my husband that I felt as if he had "stood-up" his family all summer. We were waiting to spend time with him and he disregarded us. If he had done that to me when we were dating we never would have gotten married. :-)

Good luck, and know you are not alone in this feeling!

Next year - Daddy gets nothing from Mommy... just what they kids decide to make on their own.

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I think either of your scenarios would have been fine. The problem isn't what happened...but that the two of you failed to communicate before the day and your children suffered. The two of you need to learn to communicate better. A counselor could help.

Looks like some people think Mothers/Fathers day is to be spent with the family and others say it's a "day off". So no right or wrong - just different preferences. My husband had assumed the former for Mother's Day while I had more the latter in mind. It took a couple of years of bickering to finally figure out what we expect. I want time on Mother's Day to do what I want - get a pedicure, sleep in etc. So your husband may view Father's Day the same way. Did you guys not talk at all ahead of time about the day? Personally, I'd be mad that he got to play golf so many days in a row in general unless I too was getting all sorts of play time. But that's a separate issue. So I don't think he was wrong yesterday though I'm sad your kids were disappointed - it should have been planned better so they weren't waiting. But I do question how he also gets all Thurs, Fri and Sat to play golf too...

In previous years my husband has gone to play golf or play softball, but now he stays home. It's a family day - I think these days are more for the kids than the parents. I'd definietly be annoyed. My husband is right now changing the oil in my SUV so I can drive 2 hours tomorrow to take our kids to the zoo. He even gave me a foot rub! LOL - but it was what he wanted to do...and if he had wanted to go out, I just would have had him tell the kids.

I am late on this but I think he should get to spend fathers day as he pleases. Although you should have talked aboyt it before hand so everyone knew what was going on.

Unfortunately, there is no fairness here. As mom's we choke down burned toast and tear up over the fact our kids are showing us appreciation. My kid's Father's Day crafts are sitting on a shelf in the garage and my ten year old has noticed. What can you possibly say to excuse it? I'm sorry your kids were let down. I know how furious you are right now but at least your kids know how much you appreciate them and that is all you have control over. Someday they will be making a choice about what nursing home to put us in and I like to think I will be going to a better one than what they choose for my husband.

I am late, but really I think fathers day is mostly about the kids showing thier appresiation for daddy, and he should have spent it with them.