Father's Day - Do I Do Nothing?

I am a firm believer in rising above.

9 moms found this helpful

LOL I love the hypocrisy of all of us getting holier-than-thou about how Father's Day should be a day for him to spend WITH his kids yet how many moms look at Mother's Day as "I want a day off, pamper me" day?

You and your husband need to stop being babies. Plan the day that YOU want for MD ahead of time. Next year, tell him that you're sleeping until 10 and then you're all going to the zoo or whatever.

For FD, he gets to plan what HE wants to do and this is not a day for you to be sanctimonious and judgmental about his choices. If it's a day of golfing or napping or whatever, then that's what he gets.

9 moms found this helpful

It all depends on what you believe.

Are you a "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" or are you a "do unto others before they can do it to you"?

Then act on what you believe.

If you want him to honor you on Mother's Day, then honor him for Father's day. That being said, how do you change his behavior? I would recommend you honor him and plan a nice day for him. Take plenty of photos and make a scrap book of the activities and cards, etc. Then in April next year, show him the scrap book. Tell him you want something nice for mother's day. Give him some examples of events or family activities. Tell him that husbands show love to their wives by honoring them on Mothers' Day and teaching the kids that moms are special. Then tell him that you will be sure to honor him on Father's Day like he honors you on Mother's Day.

I can't imaginge a man that is in love with his wife, not doing something nice for his wife on Mother's day, even if she never had any kids.

Good luck to you and yours.

8 moms found this helpful

This isn't about Father's Day at all, it's about Mother's Day and how you are still upset that he didn't do more.

Try this instead. Plan Mother's Day yourself. About a month ahead of time, let him know that you will be planning Mother's Day and that he needs to make sure he doesn't make any other plans. The day will be spent together. Then you decide what will be going on. You decide whether or not you will be going out to breakfast, to the park, the zoo, whatever you want, but you decide! Let the kids know ahead of time. Say things like, "I'm so excited that Sunday is Mother's Day. We're going to go out to breakfast and then go to the zoo. Won't that be fun!"

Father's Day is his day (just like Mother's Day should be your day). Do something nice for him, have the kids do something nice for him, then let him plan his own day.

I do think Mother's Day and Father's Day is for spouses as well as for sons and daughters. My husband is the Father of my children, and I do think I owe him a card and present or nice gesture.

Do something nice for him. You won't regret it.

8 moms found this helpful

If you hope that someday your kids wil grow up, get married, have kids an treat treat their spouse special on Mother's/Father's day, you need to model that despite what may or may not have been done to you on Mother's Day. Kids love celebrating their parents' days, too. Give him the kind of day you'd want if you were him or at least the kind of day you'd hope your kids would have as parents someday. If he wants alone time, let him have some of that after the kids have celebrated with him. I think that what you are considering is passive-aggressive and unkind to your kids, too.

Next year, a week before Mother's Day, remind him that the day is coming up, express that it means a lot to you and tell him what you want him to do.

6 moms found this helpful

What's with all of the passive-aggressiveness? Don't people TALK any more in their marriages? B., talk to your husband. See what he wants to do. If he's "meh" about it then plan a family day on your terms. And yes, be the bigger person and encourage your children to wish him a happy Father's Day. Don't be petty.

EDIT: Oops, I missed that he already told you that he wants a day to himself for Father's Day. Well, let him have it... at least for half the day. For Mother's Day he did something special for you and that's what he wants to do. As another poster said, so many moms want alone time and pampering time on Mother's Day but when a dad asks for the same thing on Father's Day it's somehow not right.

6 moms found this helpful

Um, how about talking and agreeing to give each other what you both want?
Let him know that you want to spend Mother's Day together as a family, and accept the fact that he wants Father's Day to be a day off for him.

My husband and I both get those days off. I get the day to sleep in, no chores, no cooking, I can do whatever I want. He gets the same on Father's Day, that's what works for us.

Once your kids are older you'll be showered with love and handmade cards and gifts they do in school and you will treasure it. Don't create a problem in your marriage that doesn't need to be there.

5 moms found this helpful

Just answering the day to himself part - I guess I'm weird bc that's what I used to say about Mother's Day. When our kids were really young like yours, that's exactly what I wanted. Not the whole day bc that would have been too much for my husband but definitely a good part of it. To me it's a day about being kind of pampered and you can't do that while watching little kids. As kids are older and get that the day is about the parent, then I think a day with the whole family makes more sense. But honestly with your oldest being only 4, I can see why he doesn't see spending the day as a family as about him as it'll be about the kids like usual...

4 moms found this helpful

As far as the how to celebrate, I'm all for letting someone celebrate THEIR day how they want to, even if I don't agree with it it's different from what I want. That's the whole point of having a special day.

As for gifts, we have an agreement not to really exchange gifts on these days... but it's an AGREEMENT. No one comes away feeling sad or unappreciated.

If he continues to dissapoint you on Mother's Day, I say take the reigns to make sure you create a fun day for yourself! Not as romantic, but at least you'll only be partly miserable ;) And when age appropriate make sure the kids know what's been missing for you so they can hopefully make up for it. As they get older they will eventually notice that you're setting a good example in this dept and catch on.

As far as bringing the kids into parents' dissagreements, this isn't fair at all. The kids have a right to be informed of holidays that are important to you and should get age appropriate prompts as to what they ought to do. If your husband falls short on this, then don't feel bad about reminding them yourself (i.e. marking the family calendar etc), since this still falls under the parenting category even if it's self-serving. If that's too awkward for you, enlist another family member or friend to help in this dept.

Sorry you're not feeling the love!! Hopefully as the kids grow, they will make up for his lack of enthusiasm.

4 moms found this helpful

I would have the kids make a card for him and attach his favorite candy bar. Keep it simple. But, the kids should still present him w/ a card. You rise above --- for the kids !

I would tell him tonight that you and the kids would like to take him to lunch. Then, he could have the rest of the day to himself.

Did he grow up in a household that did not celebrate Mother's/Father's Day?

4 moms found this helpful

Whether he is right or wrong about it, if he wants a day to himself, then by golly give it to him. I wouldn't want to spend any day with any man if he was going to have an attitude about spending the day with me and my son anyway.

Don't do anything for him, don't feel guilty about it, and if you want your kids to show their love and appreciation to your husband then make sure they do it every day. Your husband obviously doesn't need Father's Day to begin with.

imo your husband seems pretty selfish and rather immature in that area. Mother's Day is obviously an important day for you and he, your own husband, doesn't acknowledge it? While millions of husbands around the country are fully capable of making it a special day for their own wives?

3 moms found this helpful

Well for Mother's Day I wanted to spend it with my daughter enjoying her. it was nice we watched tv played games etc. For a present she made me a card and gave me a backrub. For Father's Day her dad is taking her out for lunch. A Daddy and me lunch. She will make him a card. As for wanting something special. Heck every sat morning everyone knows not to disturb mom before 10am and I get to relax on the computer until noon. Kid plays her ds and watches cartoons. One day of the week its more than ok for her to do so. Honestly for father's day I'd have the kids make a card and let the kids spend some quality morning time with him then if he wants to go out in the garage and left alone let him be.

3 moms found this helpful

Two wrongs never make a right.

You don't want your kids growing up in a house where mom and dad never do anything for each other on Mother's or Father's Day or are always fighting about it.

Even though my ex and I were going through a very bitter divorce, I continued to help the kids get or make him gifts for holidays and he never did the same for me. So, one year, for Father's Day, he got nothing. He even tattled on me about it in mediation. I said, "How many years have you not helped the kids do ONE thing for me?"
His response? "I'm not as creative as you. I'm always busy.....", blah, blah, blah.
The mediator told him there was NO excuse for it. None.

So, after that, he started helping the kids. The mediator told him it wasn't about HIM, it was about the kids having the joy of doing something for their mom. And, I admitted that not doing anything for him, even that one time wasn't fair to my kids because he pouted all day and made a scene to them about it.

It's just better to be the bigger person.

I think you should communicate with your husband about how you will both handle Mother's Day and Father's Day for the KIDS' sake. Heck, take them to the dollar store and let them pick out a card and some little thing to wrap up. It's the thought and the process for them that counts. As far as what you actually DO on those days, you each should kind of get to pick. Being divorced, my kids had Mother's Day with me and Father's Day with dad no matter whose actual Sunday it was and it actually worked out great because we got to DO with our kids what we wanted on those days. My son wasn't even two years old when I left my husband. There were plenty of lazy Mother's Days where we just stayed in and watched movies or baked together and had a nice dinner or ordered a pizza so I didn't have to cook. My daughter is 10 years older than my son so I got plenty of breakfasts in bed or flowers picked out of the yard.

I just think you should come to an agreement, and stick to it, as far as what to do for the kids on those holidays and then each agree ahead of time as far as how you want to spend the rest of the day. That way, everyone can be happy.

Just my opinion.

3 moms found this helpful

While Father's Day should be spent with the family, if he wants it by himself. Let him have that. I wouldn't buy gifts but I would get a card and have the kids sign it. Let the kids know its Fathers Day. They are going to want to do something with him and I would just say "talk to Daddy its his special day".

If hubby asks why he didn't get a gift, I would just say "well I didn't get one for Mothers Day so I thought we would saving money this year". If he makes any other remarks, just smile and say "I wanted to give you the same that I received since it appeared we were keeping it low key."

3 moms found this helpful

You've gotten a lot of great answers already. Here is my little addition to the mix. Obviously, you are still a young mom with young children. After many years of marriage, and now being a grandma, I have found that often the guys change their perspective with age and become more thoughtful and considerate. I know it hurts to feel that you aren't being appreciated by your 'other half' as you'd like to be, but keep on showing him the appreciation he deserves as your children's father and, as others have said, be sure he knows (tell him at some time when you aren't so upset about it) what you'd like to see him do for your special days.
One last thought... a physical gift isn't nearly as important as the time you spend together with your family, so if you get that ... be happy with it.

2 moms found this helpful

Do what you feel is right, but do not act out of spite. So, if you enjoy doing things for him for father's day then do something, if there is no enjoyment then do nothing. We are not big celebrators of these kinds of holidays so we typically do not do much. If my son makes a gift at school then we give it and we may decide to do dinner or a movie - like the drive in ... oooh Madagascar 3 and Snow White are the double feature at our drive in and that is our father's day plan! Mother's day was The Avengers and Dark Shadows :)

2 moms found this helpful

By now you must be asking yourself "Why did I marry someone that I really do not like and he obviously does not really like me"?

Do you let him have his way? Isn't that exactly what he has been doing?

How often do you actually "have fun as a family" with this person?

Do what you need to do for your children and then examine the relationship so you may not have to face this dilema next year...better yet the holdidays that remain this year.

2 moms found this helpful

Lots of mom's like the day to themselves on Mothers Day, it's a personal thing for every individual I suppose.

It's concerning to me that these Hallmark holidays that were meant to bring families closer sometimes cause more strife than anything else.

My answer is: If you will feel good about not doing any Fathers Day thing for your kids, then don't do it. Go visit YOUR dad, that's what it's really all about, it's not about husbands and wives. If the kids arent aware that it's Fathers Day, consider yourself lucky that you don't have to put out any hoopla for it at this juncture. When they are in school, school will have them making gifts for mom and dad on "those" days.... worry about it then.

2 moms found this helpful

Be the bigger person - your kids will be happier. My son got up with DH and they made breakfast for me. Later we went to the park - that WAS how we celebrated Mother's Day. I do not think it is a present for the spouse holiday for us. But tell your husband how you want to celebrate it.

1 mom found this helpful

I would say that if you can do something little like breakfast, do it, but only if you won't resent him for it. It would be better for you to set an example for the kids, but don't make yourself miserable.

1 mom found this helpful

I would tell your children its fathers day. Then make him breakfast and spend the day together. I would give him your time and a big Happy Fathers Day!

1 mom found this helpful

Be the better person :)

1 mom found this helpful

Have you ever told him how it makes you feel? Is he usually an insensitive guy? I'm trying to teach my kids that when someone treats you wrong, you don't do the same back. You lead by example and treat them the way they want to be treated. And given that ignoring him (i.e., leaving him alone for the day) is exactly what he wants (but not traditionally appropriate) I would go out of my way to demonstrate proper a proper celebration for the kids -- thus, setting an appropriate example of what you want for yourself, how you want them to treat their future spouses, and also, in a way, screwing your husband out of what he actually wants at the same time. Sounds like a win-win to me! But then you should have a gentle but serious conversation with him about how his inaction hurts your feelings.
Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Awww, I am sad for you. My husband is usually a selfish jerk, but even he knows better than to ignore mothers day! That is too bad. My gut response was to say F him, ignore it like he did mothers day, but then after reading the posts of others who are obvoiusly more emotionally stable than I am, I have to agree with some of what they said. Get up with the kids and cook breakfast, but do let the kids know its fathers day. Help them make a card. I like the idea of a whole family fun day since it is celebrating the day but also he does not totally get his way either. If he ignores mothers day next year, the gloves come off!!

So you dont feel alone...My husband is wierd too... he told me the other day that for fathers day he wanted my parents to watch our kids while I took him out to dinner. I say... "ummm, you are not MY father. I will faciliate the children getting gifts and cards but if I was to take someone out to dinner it would me MY dad, not you!" and then I made him feel a little guilty for trying to ditch the kids on fathers day. I think that is weird too.... I mean its a family day about fathers and he wants it to be like its his birthday or something.

1 mom found this helpful

A psychiatrist once told me, in a dysfunctional home, " a child really only needs ONE good parent to turn out all right" why don't you CHOOSE to be that parent for your children.

Teach by example and when they're old enough, explain to them that you did it b/c you were leading by example so that they would learn that there is another way and that you hope they choose to honor their spouses when they /if they choose to ever marry.

Be the change you're looking for...... and give him what HE wants for father's day b/c it's not about YOU; and teaching a child that an act of kindness, etc. is what THEY(or, in this scenario, you) want to do or what THEY feel like doing, is a very poor lesson indeed.

1 mom found this helpful

If you do a tit-for-tat, then it's never going to change. If I were you, I would tell the kids, and make it a real Father's Day and then in the evening, after kids are in bed, and probably after having a bit of "adult fun" I would try to talk to him about how disappointed you feel on Mother's Day. Timing for these conversations is essential! Has to be when everyone is feeling happy and relaxed so it doesn't have to turn into a "thing."

Then, next year if he still ignors MOther's Day, I would from that point on ignor Father's Day.

By the way, I raised my daughter as a single mother in a state where I had no family or friends. I would have given my right arm for someone to take my daughter and give me a one day break on Mother's Day!

1 mom found this helpful

If you told your husband what you wanted for Mother's Day (you did right?), he's acting like you are the only adult in the house. If you didn't tell him, start there.

If you did tell him (this year), I'd do what I felt like doing, not to be passive-aggressive, but assertive about the double-standard. I would wish him a Happy Father's Day. I would have the kids do the same. And I'd be done.

I wouldn't rise to any bait or anger. If he questioned me, I'd shrug and tell him I was assuming the choices he made for ME would certainly be okay for him as well. Then give him a peck, say "happy father's day" and sashay off.

By the way, my husband does get Father's Day "off" but he he a SAHD, so maybe it's different.

ETA: I wonder if people suggesting you be the better person have ever been the "better person" with a partner who is extremely passive aggressive. If you are BOTH being passive aggressive, the yes BE the better person and see if you can break the cycle. But if you are ALWAYS being the better person, he's learned he can treat you poorly with no repercussions. If THAT is the case, then you have to STOP being so giving, but it's important not to be ANGRY either, or he'll turn it around on you and find a way to make YOU look bad. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Is there anything in your husband's background which indicates that he wouldn't think too much about those days? Were those days celebrated in his own family? Was he taught and encouraged to love and respect his parents?

My husband was never much for it, either - or other special days. Turned out that nothing much happened for special days when he was growing up. It was easy for me to be irritated, but that doesn't actually do much good. You can't dictate how other people should feel.

One time I ignored Father's Day, because it seemed he wanted it that way, and he actually was upset because his children didn't do anything for him. That gave me the opportunity to tell him that he needed to participate in the special-day spirit. He listened - not that he did what I would have preferred him to do, but it was something.

So I would encourage your husband's children to do something (with your help) a little special for the day. It will teach *them* to care about recognizing family members as worthwhile. Tit for tat may seem sweet, but it only teaches your kids to hold grudges. Don't expect your husband to do anything for you, and if he really wants to have Father's Day to himself, let him! ("Daddy wants to spend Father's Day fishing [or watching the auto races or whatever] and we're going to let him do it.") If his children do a little something, he might decide that sticking around home might be a better idea, but don't expect him to get all mushy.

My children are grown, but they still send him cards, and he also gets cards from the current "children" - the pup and two kitties. Those last ones he groans about but reads.

1 mom found this helpful

You and I must have the same Husband.
My Husband is just like that.
Irks me.
My Husband, didn't do ANYTHING for me on Mother's day. Nothing. My kids did make something for me, that they made in school.
My Husband' didn't even tell me "Happy Mother's Day."
At least you got breakfast. I didn't even get that.
We didn't even do anything special that day.
I was with the kids as usual. He was being a grumpy pain.

Then for Father's Day, he is already anticipating something big.
Geez.
And I don't have much money to spend on a gift for him, from the kids.
I haven't even cut my hair for months!

It will be a day with the kids, they will make something for him.
Father's Day should be spent WITH THE KIDS as a family... not alone. What is that?
It is Father's Day. Not a him by himself day.
At least my Husband, likes to spend time with the kids.
I would tell your Husband, that spending time by himself alone, is NOT Father's Day... that is Selfish Day.

1 mom found this helpful

I agree that it isn't fair of him to want to be by himself on Father's day. It is about father's and their kids. It's a family day. So plan something with the family. Have a bbq.
So the way I see it:

You can do one of two things. You can be the bigger person and get up with the kids in the morning, and cook breakfast for him. You and your kids could make him a father's day card and go to the park or something as a family. Make it a nice, happy day.
And then later have a conversation to him about how you would like to at least sleep in etc for your day next year.

OR

You could be spiteful and do nothing for him and not tell the kids and make it a bitter, sour day for you especially, because your mad at him for not doing anything for you, etc.

I would rather have the better day, but that's just me. And remember what they say "Giving is better than receiving"

1 mom found this helpful

i think you guys should AGREE and do the same for both. meaning you need to decide ahead of time, together. not "i want" and then get mad when it doesn't happen and debating paybacks. you both discuss it as adults and make a decision.

since that didn't happen, i would probably suck it up. make him breakfast, tell him happy father's day. don't make a big to-do because obviously you haven't discussed spending money on anything so no reason/need for presents or a big family event.

you guys need to get on the same page with this. if it means a lot to you then you should be willing to open the lines of communication. if it means nothing to him, find a compromise.

1 mom found this helpful

isnt the whole point of fathers day to spend with the kids that made you a father in the first place????? Your birthday hey yeah spend that by yourself that is YOUR day but fathers day is a family day. and as for the do nothing I would do the same he did for you on mothers day and leave it. Nothing more nothing less. I was lucky to get a card this year, last year I could have killed him he totally flaked on it, I know he felt bad after the fact, he even got an earfull from my friend for being a bonehead. This year was a little better, at least he remembered.....

I would still do something for him. You are the better person. I agree that mothers day and fathers day should be with the family. I dont get the going out without kids thing. They are the reason you have the title. Hubby is going golfing tomorrow for his "me" time. He knows fathers day is with wife and kiddies :)

I hope you had a good Father's Day! I'm working this out with my SO too. Keep making your feelings and expectations clear - that's how I am avoiding resentment. I want to spend time together as a family for Mother's Day and SO want a lazy day - which works for us. You care about the craft project from your 4 yo (me too) and he may not (my SO too). For Mother's Day, I've already taken things into my own hands (my DD and I go to a nursery to pick out a plant for me) to make the best of it. You can still feel disappointed when he doesn't do what you've agreed upon, but keep it in perspective. Everyone has different ideas around these holidays - it doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate you (i.e. don't take it personally). Good luck to you! I know it's easier said than done...

It's sad that it has come to this. Sometimes I do think a taste of their own medicine might be in order. It sounds like this Mother's Day he did give you what you wanted, except for a present from him/kids. I guess I'd do the same for him, give him a reasonable amount of time to himself and that's it, no gifts.

You should read that Five Love Languages book. It sounds like you two definitely have different ways of showing and receiving love. It'll go miles to get on the same page in understanding each others needs. For example, my husband knows quality conversations is what I crave from him and I know he craves physical affection, so he makes a point to chat with me face-to-face every day and I make a point to give extra hugs and cuddles every day.

I haven't read the other responses, so I may be repeating. I would celebrate Father's Day the way you'd like to have Mother's Day celebrated. And him wanting a day to himself? Give him what he wants. You want to sleep in; he wants a day to himself. A couple of hours into his day, he may realize that all he wants to do is spend time with his family :) And if not, it's not personal. After all, don't you sometimes feel you'd like a day to yourself? Massage, manicure, pedicure, movies with the girls, etc?