Hi,
I am really in need of unbiased opinions...this is a long one:/ I have been with my hsuband for 5 years and we have been married for 3 months. He has 4 children from a previous marriage and i have none. our problems started about 2 years ago when his atthe time 17 year old son moved in with us because he had a huge fight with his mom. My boyfriend at the time told me his son would be staying with for awhile, awhile then turned out that he was going to be living with us full time without it being discussed with me. I didn't make a big deal about it because it is his son and I know that he has responsibilities, although i do wish it was first discussed and that I not find out over Thanksgiving dinner.
Needless to say our lives changed drastically, our very simple lives changed where we now had a teenager living with us, and then the tension started. I felt like his son was in constant competition with me to get his attention, I did everything to back off so that he would not have to feel like I am taking away anytime from his dad, not to mention his other 3 kids comes over frequently as well.
My probelm is I feel like i get no respect because his son felt like it was his dad's apartment and he could do whatever he wanted, for example his girlgriend first time at our aprtment, she was there until 3 in the morning(she was 16yrs). I was brought up much more differently and thought this was highly direspectful. Was i wrong to feel this way?
I don't mean to be harsh but this sounds like too little, too late. Kid issues should have been discussed before you moved in together. You married a man with 4 kids. It's a package deal. Make the best of what you can and ignore the rest. It is up to your husband (with your input to him) to establish some boundaries and rules for the house.
Talk to hubby and explain that you are not feeling respected by "insert boys name." Now that you are married it is your home too and everyone should be respectful towards each other. First you and hubby need to be on the same page; talk with hubby about rules for your step son and then include step son in on helping make the rules so he knows that you are listening and care about him AS WELL as hubby is there that everyone is on the same page and hubby is backing you up.
This is a fine line you are walking but it is in everyone’s best interests to be on the same page (even if someone does not like all the rules). Hubby & you need to be on the same page, back each other up and let step son know what the rules of the house are and that you respect each other.
Yikes! Teenagers are tough. You and your husband need to have a number of discussions outside the home in a calm environment - I say a number becuase this won't be resolve din one step. And know it's never going to be the way you want it to be. Your husband had his son before he had you as his wife. Loyalty to our children is so much stronger than to our spouse as a natural feeling - whether or not it is right. All that being said - there has to be some change and respect given to you as the "mom" of the household. Your husband has to set some boundaries with his son - and it has to be communicated from him - not you. It is very tough though for dads to set these boundaries. He's got such conflicted feelings about wanting his kids to love him and not to lose his connections with them. My sister who raised 2 great kids & was widowed married a great guy with 2 younger kids. They're now nearing the end of the teen years with them and it is not easy merging two different parenting styles. Often I see my sister having to make compromises that are really not fair to her. Her otherwise wonderful husband becomes putty in the hands of his kids. Kids work with whatever you give them and they intuitively figure out how to "work the system" even if they're not bad kids.
My teens are really tough to deal with now - and I gave birth to them and love them like no one else - but there are times when I really don't like them. Parenting seems to require a constant barrage of a consistent message. Recent research shows that brains and reasoning ability is not fully formed until about 21-23 - so there's hope for this teenage step-son. But unlike adults you can't tell a kid something once or twice qnd expect it to stick. They ahve to hear the same thing over and over in a number of ways. Teens HATE being preached at. FInd ways for them to arrive at conculsions by asking "what do you think" questions. And for teens they need to udnerstand the "whys" of things. They are just getting to a point where they understand that adults also have feelings (shocking I know!) It can't hurt to have a heart to heart with this young man and let him know that you don't want the relationship to be positive for everyone and ask him if he thinks it's fair that "--------" (fill in the blank) is happening? Tell him that you see the good things about him (list them) and set high expectations. Tell him you expect great things of him since he's so ____ smart, clever, charming, strong, whatever. Kids will live up or down to expectations. Even if he stubbornly refuses to admit or agree with you - you've planted a seed and you really don't know what's going on in his head. Keep trying - pray about it. You also need & deserve an escape and support - try to find it! Pray - God will step in if you invite Him.
Denise is right but you need to have a frank discussion with your husband and establish some ground rules. He needs to have a frank discussion w/ kids regarding showing you respect and obeying both your rules.
Sounds like you understand the difficulty and neediness of the parent child relationship. Good for you. But......
Talk to your husband, agree on rules and stick to them. Don't be afraid to impose rules. I would feel the same, but my question is more about where the 16 year girls Mother was. Did they think she was sleeping at a friends? Wow! I may have called her parents to check it out.
Where we live there is a curfew for teens. Check your area. Then all you have to say is "it's the law."
KW,
Regarding the 16 year old girl staying at your home until 3 AM, absolutely not! Even if your husband's 17 year old drives and would be driving her home or if she would have been driving herself home; neither of them should be out at that hour. I would have had her out by 11 PM. I would have called her parents as well.
What's your husband's stand on all this?
As for your problems with the 17 year old and dealing with 3 other children...You knew the man for 5 years and you knew about his kids (which will need to come first for many years), and married him anyway. Were any rules or boundaries set with the kids, you and your man prior to your moving in and marriage? If not, time for a family sit down.
Blessings.....
This is typical of kids in this situation. You all need to be on the same page about house rules first. You allsit down and discuss them, adjusting things until everyone agrees on what's fair. Then, you need to spell out the consequences for breaking each rule and do the same thing-- negotiate what's fair. Once everyone agrees, ther's no conflict. You break the rule, you get the consequence, period. We raised 5 teenagers, and this saved a TON of aggravation. A hint from a family therapist--- don't take things away as punishment if you can help it, because a teenager will not care, just to get to you. You give them extra chores, like cleaning toilets, washing cars, vacuuming, etc.---all negotiated and agreed to , of course.
