Is It Normal? - Walnut Creek,CA

All of the time! Unfortunately, sometimes it builds up until I explode with emotions instead of talking it out. When my 8 year old was born, I was feeling frustrated doing the same thing every day without help from my husband who would come home from work and promptly decompress, my mother-in-law gave me a bit of advice on how to explain my feelings to him.

When they go off to work they do something different every day for us, we wake up, feed the kids, do the dishes, fold the same clothes we folded three days agao, feed the kids, do the dishes, fold more clothes, etc. You know the drill. But they don't get that so she told me to put it in terms he can understand. My father-in-law owns a construction company and she told him it's like you going to work and building the same wall every day because when you were home at night someone tore it down.

Maybe it will help, maybe it won't. Good luck and know you're not alone!

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Hi SL,

YES!!! I can relate~ The things that have helped me and my relationship is to get Mommy Alone Time. Schedule it with your husband where you can go and do anything you want for a hr or so a week. Tell him it will be beneficial to him because you will come back refreshed, happy and able to jump back into life. He will thank you for it- I have found that the times I get most irritated, I have lost sight of taking care of myself. So if you good care of yourself, you will be able to care for your family and the needs of your husband. Good luck!

M.

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Hi SL,

I had to laugh when I read your post (not at you, with you!) because I have only ONE child and I feel exactly the way you described. I can't even imagine having two (well, we're starting to think about that), let alone three! I just finished the first year of being a mother. It was so overwhelming for me and I have been extremely frustrated withe my husband. He is really a saint, so sweet and patient and willing to help, so of course I feel terribly guilty for being less than loving towards him.

I think there were two things going on for me that you might relate to:

1) I should have gotten more help. When I'm overwhelmed and frustrated with my husband it was/is a sign that I am taking too much on and need help. Maybe you can find a babysitter or house cleaner or someone else to give you a hand? Or take some shortcuts for a little while like ordering take-out or something until you feel less overwhelmed?

2) I think men just aren't as good at multitasking and don't pay attention as much as women do (of course this is a generalization). When I would complain to my girlfriends about my husband they'd all say he seemed like a typical man, not more clueless than any other. I think what makes us crazy is that before the baby (in your case the third baby!) we didn't ask as much from our husbands so we didn't get frustrated with them. The family situation changed, not our sweet husbands.

Anyway, don't know if this is what's going on with you or not. But know that what you are feeling sounds completely normal to me! Try to find ways to make your life easier, even just for now until you are feeling less overwhelmed. If you're worried about feeling guilty about cutting some corners for a short while, do it for your kids and husband if not for yourself. I really do regret being so crabby and stressed this first year. Hopefully my daughter won't remember!

Take care of yourself and hang in there!

H.

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Dear SL and Mama’s,

If it's normal, then perhaps an attitude adjustment is in order.

I was at a women’s conference yesterday and while I found part of it very commercial and boring, there was a segment that touched my heart and also made me ashamed. It was a segment addressing children of the world that are going hungry, have little or no medical attention or access to education, that we all take for granted.

The mother’s of these children walk for miles each day just to have water (sometimes nasty water) for her kids. The father’s (if they are still alive) try to get what food they can for the family. The child mortality rate is staggering.

The situation I have described seems distant and maybe even impossible if we picture ourselves in the same situation. But it exists not just in foreign countries but right here in the USA.

I am reminded of an old Disney movie, Pollyanna…. about a child who lost her parents, but still was generally able to play what she called “The Glad Game”, in times of distress.

I do think we all deserve a little “me time”, but the next time you don’t have the time for “me time”, I hope you will count your blessings and play “The Glad Game”.

Of course, if you husband is a total creep, who doesn’t love, respect you and help with your children, make a new plan and when it comes to your kids, still play “The Glad Game”.

Blessings to you all….

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SL,

This is normal, especially after giving birth. Not only are your hormones a little out of whack but you are tired all the time. Then, you have to spend every hour of every day with your children.

After the birth of my second child, I had it pretty bad. I felt couped up and tired and frustrated all the time. So, my dh and I talked and started weekly date night. We started going out one night every week with just the two of us. We would go right after I fed the baby so that it would be a couple of hours before we had to get back. That way, he and I could work on us and I started to like him better. We now have 3 kids, and 6 years later, we are still having weekly date night. (btw it is usually just an inexpensive dinner and a lot of talking)

Second, I did try to find a way to have alone time. I do not get it every week, but once or twice a month I leave my dh with the kids and just go anywhere.

Third, I established a daily quiet time. During this time, the youngest one naps and the older two read, do homework, etc. I, then, have an hour or two every day when everyone is entertaining themselves. I read or watch a program on TV or do a crossword puzzle, but the kids know that it is my quiet time and they let me have it.

I hope this helps. I still get frustrated, but it is a lot less than it used to be and being able to download on my husband each week allows him to take some of the burden and he steps up to bat for me.

D.

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Feel overwhelmed, guilty, frustrated? Ohhhhh yeah, don't we all! And if you've just recently given birth and have older children in the mix too, you've got the sleep deprivation, overall tiredness, hormones, and feeling you have to be everything for everyone in your household stuff going on, so *please* be kind to yourself and try not to add "guilt over feeling overwhelmed and frustrated" to the burden.
Do you have a moms group or other friends/family that can give you a break by arranging things like playdates for the older children, a few easily freezable meals, or just spending a little time so you can have some 'grown up' conversation during the day? When my twins were infants, one of the biggest barriers was the feeling of being isolated, and getting out to our local support group meeting for new/expectant parents was always a big help because you're reminded that you're NOT the only one who's struggling with feeling overwhelmed and worrying about every little thing in your babies' development.
Also, do check in with your Ob/Gyn, he/she could be helpful in assessing whether you're going through the typical "baby blues" or if you might have post-partum depression.

Good luck - and give yourself a pat on the back, mothering is hard work!

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Dear S L,
Oh...I'm pretty sure it's completely normal! I don't believe I know any mother that hasn't gotten frustrated and angry with her husband, kids or BOTH.
I don't think that most men, God love them, have any clue how overwhelming and tiring juggling kids and a home can be. I know from my personal experience, my husband was like, "Why are YOU tired? You don't have to put on a suit and go to meetings and business lunches." That infuriated me because I worked before we got married. I too once had a life out in the community. I loved being a wife and mother, but I truly think he envisioned me sitting on the couch eating ice cream and watching soap operas all day. I almost died while pregnant with my second baby. I spent my pregnancy critically ill in the hospital. My son was born, perfectly healthy, and I got to go home to try to recuperate and get my strength up. My mother in law passed away unexpectedly 3 weeks to the day after my son was born. That was tough enough, but my husband made the decision that we had to move, immediately, into a bigger house so that he could move his father in with us. I loved my father in law very much, but he was 80, incontinent, and was in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's. Everyone begged him not to do that to me or to our marriage. But, he wouldn't listen. So, I had a 10 year old, a newborn and an 80 year old in diapers. And my husband went off to work everyday. And he went out of town to visit his grown children and took off on fishing trips. I was literally worn to a wafer. I didn't even weigh 100 pounds. Everytime I tried to talk to him, he just kept telling me how selfish I was being. So I tried harder. The day he informed me that he would be leaving for a week on a "chance of a lifetime" fishing trip to South America, I knew our marriage was doomed.
It's a fact of life that resentments can build. So, communication is the key. But, it takes TWO people to communicate. Communicating means one person talking while the other listens and HEARS and validates, then vice versa. It doesn't have to be an argument and it shouldn't be. It's talking and listening. You don't have to exactly agree with what the other person is saying, but trying to understand how they feel can go a long way as far as keeping resentments from building.
I'm going to use one of my dear friends as an example. She has a wonderful husband. He's faithful, he's funny, he's very low key and never gets mad. He helps with housework, plays with the kids. She handles all the money. It has always been that way. She always checks the interest rates for this or that or moves their money here or there. She has "money brain" and he doesn't. For about the last year, they have been having some problems, because after 10 years of her doing everything, she is feeling tired and overwhelmed with handling all of it. She resents the fact that he doesn't do any of that stuff. And he hears her. But after 10 years, he knows better than to even try to turn her computer on let alone pay the bills online. NO ONE touches her computer! He tries to help her in other ways like doing the dishes and the dishwasher. But if she opens the washer, even though the dishes are clean, she can't believe he put the bowls down on the bottom instead of on the top rack. And although the counters are clean and there is not a dirty dish in the house, if he had just loaded the washer right, more dirty dishes could have gone in there later that day after dinner or breakfast the next morning so she can't see how that really helped her at all. He folds laundry and puts it away, but not the way she wants it, so he got to where he put everything away except for her stuff. He laid it out or put it on the bed so it wouldn't be wrinkled, but in her mind, he was willing to do everyone's laundry but hers. She can be upset about something and then he has the nerve to just go about his day like nothing's wrong. Did she tell him she's upset? No.
I only went into all that because I love them both so very much. I have told her....."He is a man. He does not think the way you do. He cannot read your mind. If you are upset, tell him that you are upset and tell him why. Don't bottle everything up until you are yelling at everybody out of frustration because all they hear is that you are yelling and angry. By that time, you're yelling about stuff that doesn't even have anything to do with what upset you in the first place. People can't do what you want them to do if they don't know what that is. You get upset because you pay all the bills. I can understand you being tired of shouldering it, but in 10 years, have you ever sat down and done them together? No. Pick your battles. He doesn't load the washer the way you do. So what. The kitchen and dishes are clean and you didn't have to do it. He doesn't put your laundry away because he can't even put the towels away right. He leaves your clean things for you to put away. If he doesn't do it right then you re-do it and if he doesn't do it at all, then you think it's deliberate. The poor guy can't win. You have to let go of certain things. He helps you in a million ways. You get so caught up in HOW he does them that you don't even acknowledge them done in the first place. Unless you're making a big fuss about having to re-do it. LET GO!
If you make a person feel like they can never do anything right, they will just quit and give up. That is poison for a marriage."
I have seen things from both sides.
Communicate.
Don't wait.
Don't let resentments build.
Clearly express your feelings and expectations.
Be ready to listen.
Be ready to accept that you may have unrealistic expectations and that "compromise" is a magic word.

Find time for yourself. MAKE time for yourself.
Escape on a Sunday afternoon to take the paper and a coffee to the park and just have some you time. Or get your nails done or get an ice cream sundae with a girlfriend. Don't make excuses. Don't think the world will fall apart if you aren't running it.
Do something ONLY for you on a regular basis and don't feel guilty. You will come home with a smile on your face and your family will love to see it.

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YES and partly has to do with ADRENAL FATIGUE!!!
Hormones are suppressed and would not be surprised of gain weight, fatigue and irregularity of periods!!!

I recommend you read this book:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/1890572152/ref=sib_dp_ptu...

Love, G.. :0)
http://stemcellforautism.blogspot.com/

"I know of nobody who is purely Autistic or purely neurotypical. Even God had some Autistic moments, which is why the planets all spin." ~ Jerry Newport

I don't think you should be too hard on yourself. I only have 1 baby girl (13 mo) and a stepdaughter (9 yrs) and I am constantly overwhelmed. So if you have 3 and recently delivered, cut yourself some slack! I find that my husband frustrates me all the time and usually it is the littlest things that get me going. I try to remember that he is not me.. and does not do everything the way I would, the way I would like and he certainly doesn't think like I do. When I remind myself that he is his own person and is truly trying, I usually come back down off my high horse and am able to appreciate the life that God has given me. Relax and don't be so tough on you. Everyone is different and needs to have ample time to adjust to lifes little changes... a new baby certainly counts. Hope you feel better soon and lay off the guilt, it doesn't help anyone (especially you!)

It's TOTALLY normal. At least that's how I felt when my son (our only child) was born. I think, in hindsight, I had severe post-partum depression. My boyfriend went straight back to work to leave me alone. Suddenly, quite honestly, I hated his guts. When I tried to tell him how I felt he told me to "suck it up." He said I had it easy -- staying home all day while he went out to work. He said being a stay at home mum was not work at all and he didn't understand why I wasn't getting more done while he was gone. I was MORE than irritated and then guilty. Eventually I took our son and left him for a few months. That was probably extreme, but I just want to let you know that you aren't alone in your feelings!

The fact that motherhood is HARD is some sort of twisted secret. I do not understand why this isn't front page news. Every woman should be allocated a full-time assistant the day her first baby is born by the government. It wouldn't be a luxury, we all know that even two full time people would barely be enough for those fussy babies (mine had colic and still mostly refuses to be put down for even a second, god love him). Not to go political on you, but if Washington has 700 billion for the men when times get tough you would think they could pony up one billion for all of the moms of America. Also, don't worry your pretty head for even a moment about getting frustrated with your hubby. Every woman in my mommy group is frustrated with her husband, mostly because even the most loving man usually has no idea how very difficult it is to be a mom.
Don't worry SL-- we are all there with you and we know you will pull through.

Hi,

Just gave birth and have three children - I think that's enough to make anyone feel overwhelmend. I feel that way with one child and husband. As supportive as my husband is, I think we put too many demands and expectations on ourselves. And, running a household and getting the kids fed, off to school, to sports, making dinner, baths, homework - is more than a fulltime job.

Can you lighten your load with a part time housekeeper, run carpools, trade off on babysitting? Try to find a way to spend some time by yourself - just to read, relax, do something you enjoy. Remember the old saying "if mama ain't happy, nobody's happy".

Good luck to you - it took me a year after I gave birth to feel normal again.

haha I only have one 2 year old and I feel overwhelmed all the time. The days where I feel in control are the days where I actually check something off my list of "to do" chores. It's so easy to put off the fish tank or the bathtub when you have the endless day to day chores like laundry and dishes.

i think it's totally normal. the idea of giving yourself some alone time is good. i try once a week or when i can to work out some alone time. get my toes done, etc. or even just go to the store by myself. ask for help, tell your husband you need him to pitch in, even if it's simple like picking up dinner. his night to wake with the kids so you can sleep. good luck, and don't be afraid to talk about it with your husband. i usually wait until i'm too frustrated and then explode. most men don't get it, and think all is ok, you might just need to talk. good luck.

Yes ,I have felt this way too. Not only with my husband but with my children also. Before my third I would feel a sense of darkness and great anger wash over me at times and might snap at them. When I got pregnant with my third I started doing homopathy and it changed my life. I feel so balanced and no longer out of control of my feelings. I love it! I don't explode like I could once in a while before. I highly recommend it.

Hi S.L.

I just wanted to add, again, that what you are feeling is completely and totally normal. ALL mothers get overwhelmed at times, and most mothers focus all their attention on keeping everyone else happy and pay no attention to their own happiness.

Please be gentle with yourself - don't judge yourself for your frustration. But DO take some time for yourself (I know you can't just pick up and leave for a weekend - ha!) Start to build a few minutes in your day that are completely devoted to self-care.

I have written an article that addresses some ways to take care of yourself. It's called "92 Ways to Save Your Sanity: Tips for busy moms who take great care of their kids but feel like they could 'lose it' at any moment. It is available for free on my website: www.therapy4moms.com
I hope there is something helpful for you in it.

Take good care.

Yes unfortunately it is, finding alone time is not always the easiest and with my husband's business is almost imposable for me, my boys are now almost 7 and 4 1/2 and are very good at driving me up the wall. What works for me is Calms Forte ( http://hylands.com/products/calmsforte.php ) you can get it at Wal-mart, by the vitamin's, it's natural, does not make you sleepy or dopey however if you take 1 or 2 and walk away for about 15 min. it will calm your nerves and you can then return with a level head. Trust me it makes a world of difference I can be ready to pinch their heads off(Metaphorically speaking of course) and after 10-15 min. I'm back at the point of being able to talk to them with a level head. It seems so simple a solution but it does work. Good Luck!

I think what you are going through is completely normal. I have 2 boys, 2yrs and 8 months. I often feel overwhelmed. My youngest is still not sleeping through that night and my oldest is up by 6:30 every morning, plus my husband leaves the house by 5:50 to go to work. I am going off very little sleep. When I finally get the kids down at night all I want to do is lay down. I don't want to talk or be touched! I try to remember that my husband needs a wife too.

It does help to take a little time for yourself. I go on a daily walk. The kids are with me but at least they aren't tugging on my legs. I walk with other moms, so I also get some adult conversation.

There is also a group that I belong to called stroller fit. You work out a few times a week with the kids in their strollers and there are a lot of great play dates and montly moms nights out. It is a great way to meet other moms and realize that we are all going through that same things on a daily basis. It makes you realize how "normal" you are.

Here is a link to the Stroller Fit website if you are interested...http://www.meetup.com/

Yes, but there is a wonderful movie just our called "Firewall". I would highly recommend it even if you wait to buy it. I wish I had seen it much sooner.

It's nice to know I'm not the only one! Since the birth of my 20 month old, I've felt this way many times toward the man I've loved with all my heart. He hasn't really changed, I have. But those things that were no big deal before, drive my crazy now. I've noticed a change for the better in my feelings, since I quite nursing my daughter three months ago. My dr. also recommended an Omega-3 supplement to help regulate my mood. You lose a lot of that when you're pregnant and nursing, and she said it effects depression and anxiety. It takes several months to restore your levels. Good luck!

Hi there,
I just wanted to address the issue of post-partum depression. You may just be experiencing what we all go through with a new addition to the family and the adjustments that have to take place. It is overwhelming at times and of course very frustrating. You didn't say much about your husband and whether or not he helps you out or what his response is to your frustrations, so it's not fair to make any kind of judgement as to his behaviour. But hopefully you are able to communicate what you feel to him even if you don't know why you feel it. It doesn't have to make sense. Just tell him how you feel and that you don't know why, but will he please just try to be understanding for a while. However, back to the depression issue. I have 4 children, my youngest is 5 months. I began experiencing post-partum depression with my previous child who is now 1 1/2 years old. But sadly, I didn't recognize what it was. I knew I was not myself, but I attributed it to getting old and tired and cranky. When our last came along, it just stacked up even higher and finally my husband said, "What is WRONG with you??" It was then that I realized something truly was wrong and I went in to see my OB. I am still in treatment, and in fact it has been a very slow process and looks like it will take quite a bit longer. But it's been so long since I've felt "normal" that I'm not sure I remember what that is. I just know that feeling completely overwhelmed and frustrated and sad every single day is not right and I don't want to live this way. So if any of that sounds like you, please don't wait. Get in to your OB as soon as you can. We as mothers have so much to do and give of ourselves so much every day that it's easy to ignore the red flags. But consider living like you are now for the rest of your life. Would you want to do that? No way. Neither do I! Get in to your doctor and explain exactly how you're feeling. You will be glad you did. Take care and God bless.

What's normal for some may not be normal for others. The issue of Postpartum Depression was mentioned earlier, so I thought I'd give you a couple resources to check into, in case this is what you are dealing with.

This is a wonderful website with info and things you can do to feel better, as well as where you can get help if you need it: http://postpartumstress.com/pages/self_help.html

Also visit Postpartum Support International (PSI). They have a helpline you can call 24/7, and many wonderful resources and info, including referrals to mental health professionals (therapist, psychiatrist, support group, etc) in your local area: http://postpartum.net/.

Best of luck, and please feel free to message me if you'd like more inormational resources.

A.

I often feel the same way... After my daughter was born 10 months ago I felt extremely stressed and anxious, and took a lot out on my husband I think. I was SO tired (my baby didn't sleep much). Anyway, I started therapy three months ago. I don't know if I had postpartum depression officially, but seeing a therapist has helped me tremendously, just to feel better about life. My therapist is a mom and specializes in PPD so has lots of good insight.

Dear S L,

I hope it is normal because I get the same way. I work fulltime and was married last year to my husband who has three kids. We have them five days of the week and by 8:00 o'clock at night I am done!! I physically and mentally can not do anymore. I have to make sure dinner and showers are done by then or it's too late. The kids are 6, 7, and 10 and I think with me it is the constant chatter and loudness that wears me out. I find when they are calm and more quiet I last longer during the day. I get really frustrated with my husband and the kids, but really it's just the exhaustion talking. I spend a fair amount of time feeling guilty about getting irritated with my family. I pray quite often for more energy and patience. I hope commraderie helps because it's really all I can offer. That and the suggestion the pray for strength!

I think you've already gotten some good advice. I just want to share a joke told to me by an advice nurse who was advising me on my severe mood swings. In this joke, a psychiatrist asks a woman what changes she notices in herself when she goes off her anti-depressants. "Oh nothing happens to ME," the woman answers, "but my HUSBAND becomes a JERK!"

Seek help if you need it!

Kind of a general question but yes it's normal. However, I would try not to act on or voice your frustration with your husband. You want him on your side. If you nag at him you will likely cause him to withdraw. It's a common male reaction. Once he withdraws, you won't get anything out of him.

I highly recommend the book Mother Shock: Loving Every (Other) Minute of It if you have the time. It's a collection of short essays, so it's easy to read and very helpful. Even if you're on your third kid, it's worth it. Feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and frustrated is TOTALLY normal as are feelings of guilt. If possible, just try to stay true to your emotions and don't blame yourself: you've taken on a tremendous job!

Oh My God Yes!!

I only have 2 kids, a 3yr old and a 7 month old, but since the first was born, I had this odd sort of resentment toward my husband. Not all of the time, but i felt like he just did not understand. And that has really n ot changed. He does try, but I am the mom and he is the friend/dad. Who arranges doctor and dentist visits, school, play dates, brushing teeth, flossing, sleep time, food, etc. Usually me. But, we all have our jobs and I know my husband loves me and I him, we just have different roles and ways of handling things.

You are normal, and it is ok, but if it overwhelms you, communicate and remember, men and women are different and do play different roles, regardless.

On top of that, remember that post partum can last I have been told, up to 2 yrs? so, hormones don't help the matter. Remember to take care of you and don't lose you in the shuffle. I have also found taking time to be with friends really rejuvinates me. And maybe doing things without kids and without hubby would not be a bad idea.

Good luck. and Enjoy all you do have.

I. b

I have a 2.5 year old and an 8 month old, and there are days when I really would lose it, if I could. I'm staying home with the kids for now, and, while my husband sort of appreciates how hard my job can be, he doesn't go out of his way to make it easier. I'm never confident enough of what is reasonable to demand he do more around the house, but I do almost all the housework, cooking, shopping and most of the childcare, etc., and, yes, I do harbor resentment. I know it is up to me to make changes happen, but it is hard to find the energy.

It's definitely hard that my life has become such an endurance struggle since having kids whereas my husband's is, well, mostly the same as it was before we had them.

I half jokingly said to my mother the other day that it was a good thing my husband and I had a fairly quick courtship (knew each other less than 1.5 years before getting married) because otherwise I would have broken up with him. Is he the love of my life? I'll get back to you on that when I've had a full night's sleep. I assume that our marriage is going to last for the long haul, but I do know that it could be better.

Right now I think I hear my toddler not napping, which makes me want to run screaming from the house, but instead I will just dash to the bathroom in case it is the only chance I get, and try to face whatever comes next.

Anyone know what's for dinner?

I have 4 kids. A whole range of ages. After my fourth was born, I felt the same. I was irritated and tired, which is completely understandable. I also had irregular periods, dry skin, nails,hair, sometimes felt cold and started to get a bit depressed. I had a check-up and discovered I had Hypothyroidism (slow). After meds, I had the energy I needed and generally felt like me again. My doctor said the whole pregnancy process can bring this on. The best part is that that my symtoms were confirmed and validated....I was not CRAZY!!!
Good luck.