Ideas for Making My Husband Feel Special

S.:

Have you heard of a book by Gary Chapman called "The Five Love Languages?" It's not rocket science, but it's wonderfully practical. In a nutshell, he suggests that there are five basic categories of our expressions of love for each other. We feel loved in different ways, and we often express love based on the way we feel most loved. Learning your husband's "love language" might be a nice start for you. Here's a little exercise you can do:

Think of times that your spouse has loved you in ways that are meaningful to you. Make a list of some of these experiences. Ask your spouse to make a list too. Take turns sharing. Tell about some of the times you have felt loved and close to him/her. Pay special attention to the stories your spouse tells you.

Key purpose of this exercise: To help you see that you can figure out how your spouse likes to be loved by noticing what he or she enjoys AND by talking together about times when you feel loved.

E.

1 mom found this helpful

My husband and I recently had the same conversation, seems to be going around. Since then I have been going out of my way to let him know how much I appreciate the little things he does (like "hey, thanks for putting the laundry in the drier!" with a kiss). I have also tried to be more affectionate with him in overt ways, like kissing his neck instead of touching his hand or something like that. I also bought one of those inexpensive (it was like $100) massage tables and we promised to give each other a massage one a week - just something fun and sensual and no kids involved. I would suggest just being more obvious with your feelings, men are good with obvious things - they really never pick up on the small thanks or little hints we leave. Good luck!

Oh, I'd feel sad too! I always tuck a card or pictures or a note in hubby's gear when he leaves for Army stuff. I didn't this time & he made a comment about how he missed it. The package of "forgots" I sent him sure did have a card tucked in it! I'll leave him a note on my pillow if I get up before him. Or I send him random "thinking of you" texts during the day. None of it is big or spectacular, but it's the fact that I make the effort that's most appreciated.
We also always kiss each other goodnight when he's home & text goodnight when he's not.
It's not what you do, it's the fact that you do it. He's probably going to be just as fine w/a post-it w/a heart as he is w/a big elaborate candelight dinner of lobster bisque (I just picked something expensive sounding lol)-he's just feeling un-needed right now.
Good for him for letting you know though & not just leaving w/o a word.
Good luck!
*read some other comments. I agree w/the love languages books! I've got 5 love languages of children/teenagers/couples (3 books) & LOVE them!
Somebody mentioned dancing. Hubby I have danced in every living room we've had. One night we taught ourselves to waltz, looked up waltzing songs online & downloaded one to dance to. Our boys think we're silly for now, someday they'll be embarrassed, but when they're "old & married" they'll realize sometimes you need to dance in your living room.
http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/ Check this site out.

My husband metioned something similar to me once. I think it often happens when you have young kids. Only so much time, and we (women) tend to put our children first (as we should) and sometimes forget we have to make time for our relationship too - remembering that a solid marriage is very healthy for our kids in the end. A few suggestions... verbally thank him for what he does, work at home or outside - just recognize his contributions. More formally, if possible, arrange a date night - dinner out or movie. For one night, I planned a "tour" of the placed we'd eat/hang out at when we were dating. It was a little trip down memory lane... made us remember "us" before the big family days. If at all possible a night away downtown always goes over well. This is expensive, and we can't do it much w/o family in the area, but just another thought. And... if sitters are an issue, plan a romatic night at home when the kids are in bed - "spa night" with some candles and massage oil, and a late dinner of wine, cheese and fruit. Hope something in there sounded good or sparked an idea of your own. Enjoy!

Hi S.,
I wish I could offer some suggestions but I'm mainly writing becasue my husband has told me those exact words! Could you please forward some suggestions you find helpful? I also have two daughters, 10 and 3 and love my husband but don't know what to do to make him feel special. Thanks so much!

A.
____@____.com

I read Dr. Laura's Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. The book had some good ideas, but even better was just that my husband noticed I was reading it, and I think he felt more loved just because he saw me making that effort!

Hi S.,
One of the first things I would do would be to find out what his "love language" is. You may or may not be familiar with this in which case you can find some books on the subject.(Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot have written numerous books as well as Gary Smalley on this subject). The idea of knowing love languages comes down to being able to make your mate feel loved and appreciated. I'll give you a personal example: One of my love languages is service, my husband knows I would rather have him accomplish a honey-do list then bring me flowers (gifts). It is a huge blessing to me to have my hubby clean up in the kitchen after dinner over lavishing love and affections over me. On the other hand my husband loves the love and affections. He enjoys being touched, hugged, back rubs that sort of thing. He's also big on being affirmed, it makes him feel macho and needed. He's not one to want (expensive) gifts and he likes a clean house but he could live in a dirtier one just as easy. So his language doesn't promote service like mine does. If you are giving him back rubs and he'd rather be affirmed you need to know that to make him feel loved and appreciated. I know this was long but I wanted to help you see how important understanding your mates languages is. God Bless You, L.

I recommend reading the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It's possible that you are expressing love one way, but he feels love another way. Once you start expressing love in the love language he understands, his love tank will begin to fill up.

With men you have to show them how much you love them all the time. I always wake up and tell my husband how much I love him and tell him how handsome he is. I also make fix him breakfast every morning. Make him healthy meals and tell him that I want him to be healthy cause I want to have him in my life ever (He loves that). He also loves it when I take our daughter outside and give him his own space and when we come back in we bring him a flower, a rock, or a leaf. It's weird but it drives him crazy. Not one day passes with out me telling him what a grate father and husband he it. Our pastor (his dad) once told me to me the secret to a happy relationship is to always point out as many positives in your partner, and leave out all the negatives, apologize even if it was your fault and he will come to his senses. Sounds unfair that we have to do all the work but, our relationship has never been better. Now he never makes a choice without asking my opinion first.
I also leave random sticky notes around the house with different "I Love You" messages.

Good LUCK!

I would leave little notes (like on sticky note paper) around the house for him. They can be love notes, or thank you notes, recognition notes, appreciation notes. Put them on his pillow, in the bathroom, in the fridge, etc. Don't do too many in one day, but space it out and let him know in writing how much you care about him. Or you could write him a letter and actually send it in the mail, or mail it to his work. It's nice to hear things verbalized, but it's also really great to receive things on paper where you can re-read if you're having a bad day and be reminded of your spouse and their support for you. Good luck! =)

Things have really improved in my marriage and it’s not that things were bad, but we were like robots just doing what we had to do and never appreciating each other. NOW, we don’t turn on the TV, we work as a team in the kitchen, feed the kids, sit down and all eat and talk together and then we cuddle and talk dirty after the kids are asleep. He is so much happier now and even though I am not keen on playing dress up for him I am trying. Men need constant affection so remember when your hubby says he does not feel special – run upstairs and slip into something pretty. I promise – he’ll be happy ;-)

Hello S.! It sounds like you want to do whatever it takes to show your sweet hubby affection and that's good! We don't want him going elsewhere for what he needs! I, too, have been in a "room-mate" phase and I didn't realize how sensitve my husband actually was. It made me sad too, to know that I was hurting him so much. But there's good news! Little things mean a lot! Giving shoulder/neck massages can be done anytime, anywhere and are a great quick and easy thing to do when you don't have a lot of time. My husband also likes his feet massaged, but everyone is different. Try to do those things you know he likes. And I'm sure you're tired and need your "me time" too, but make sure you make time for him in the bedroom too. I'm sure these sound basic and simple, but sometimes that's all that's needed. Making his favorite meal or treat and delivering it as a surprise could be fun too. Best Wishes! K

It's the little things. I always pull out my husband's favorite sections of the newspaper on Sunday mornings. I'll scratch his back as we're falling asleep. If I'm at work and I think about him or soemthing I'm thankful for about him, I make sure to send him a quick e-mail telling him. I always say thank you if he helps out. You may think about how much you love your husband all the time, but if you don't communicate it, he won't know or feel it.

good luck
M.

Initiate, Initiate, Initiate.... and when he does, kiss him. say yes.

Hi there! A simple thing I do to make my husband feel special and loved is pack him a lunch every day for work and stick a note in it telling him to have a great day and something that I admire and/or love about him. Sometimes I even put a little piece of lingerie at the bottom of his lunch sack. Wink, wink :) I hope this helps! Good luck :)

Blessings,

J. Bransford
Proud member of CEO Moms
www.internetceomoms.com/jenibransford

Men need to feel needed. It is a gender need. I have read somewhere that affairs aren't usually abt. the sex but abt. how she made the man feel. needed and wanted and loved. I don't think anyone mentioned Dr. Lauras book 'The proper care and feeding of husbands'. It was helpful to remind me of the little things we can do as wives that make our husbands adore and put us on a pedestal. What woman doesn't want that??? Good luck. It is great he communicated this to you so you can do something about it.

One book that I know has helped a lot of people is "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It helps to figure out what makes different people feel loved and important. And then it gives ideas on how to do this.

My sister and her husband keep a dry-erase marker in the bathroom cabinet and everyday they write love notes or thank you's on the mirror for eachother to find. I thought it was very cute and romantic not to mention easy when your busy working and parenting and it goes a long way in making eachothers day!!

My husband went through this too. When I became aware of it, I started leaving him little notes in odd places. I left one on the seat of his car that said "I appreciate you working so hard for our family." I left one on his laptop that said "I'm thinking of you." Now I send him text messages sometimes they are just as simple as :). Now my husband really knew that I loved him and needed him but the kids were getting most of my time. Oh and sometimes I would sneak his favorite candy bar into his sock drawer. Now at first he may feel like you aren't sincere but just keep at it. Bottom line, never stop dating, I mean always treat him as if you were still in the dating stage and he'll be okay. Good Luck.

S.,
One of the best things you can do is figure out what his love language is. It will speak to him leaps and bounds if you show him you love him in the way he can recognize love. you could read the book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Which will explain them in depth or you could see how he tries to show you love and repeat what you see. For example, he could be Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service or Physical Touch. Once you figure out how he feels love, you can work on showing him you love him in his own "language".
It is sometimes hard to keep showing him you love him the way he recognizes love, especially if you don't share that love Language. But love is about being selfless, and it sounds like you are willing to do whatever you can to show how you feel for him. So to keep your "love well" and his full, I suggest, you figure out and help him understand how you feel loved too. I can attest that your relationship will only get stronger as you both try to give each other love in the way it means the most you individually.
Good Luck in Love'n
E.

Well, this is blunt, but sex him up. It's hard for a lot of us moms because we are tired and don't have as much of a drive but making a conscious effort will go a long way. Even if it's not a fully engaged encounter, if you know what i mean. I don't mean to be graphic but too many Americans find this subject to be taboo but really, it's a very important element in a marriage and it's easily overlooked once kids are involved. It's the part I have to work hardest at in my marriage too right now. But there is definite and obvious mood and attitude changes in my husband after we have been intimate. It's low on our list sometimes but always at the top for men. Just a thought, I hope this helps, as encouragement if nothing else. Initiative for date nights is also huge.

so my dh and I went through this when we first got married where we both felt we were being under appreciated and that we were doing SO much for each other. We read the book 5 love languages together and came to realize just because we were saying I love you didn't mean the other person was hearing it the same way. an example...my dh's main love language is service so if he came home and vacuumed or did the dishes he wanted me to be ecstatic because he was saying I love you. I just thought, that's nice I have a husband that does domestic stuff which is good because I expected that. (see a problem?) my main love language is gifts, it doesn't have to be a money thing it can be a note, or a drawing, a flower from the yard--but those little things are SO important to me. My husband wasn't good at that kind of stuff it always felt awkward to him, he wasn't romantic that way--(see more problem? lol) anyway once we had read the book together and done the questionaires and knew each others love languages I started to see that when I cooked a meal he felt me saying I love you. and that when he did something around the house he was saying I love you. and I got better at thanking him and telling him I appreciated it. I also started going out of my way to do little extra things for him, and some big...I ironed his uniforms for 2 years. and that is NO easy task--those creases...(I love the new uniforms, no ironing) we rotated it after the 2 years--anyway, he got better at sending me notes and letters when he was deployed and he got better at leaving me notes in the morning when he went to work. we both learned to speak the foreign language the other perceived as love. and when we start to feel neglected we sit down together and go over some of the stuff from the book again to get ourselves back on track.
anyway if you can't tell from my long spiel I'm highly recommending the book 5 love languages. its an easy read and doesn't take too much time to get through.
I think if you do that you will find what will work the best for your husband so that he knows and feels it when you are saying I love you.

I agree with the finding out what love language he is. I try and do things for mu hubby like leave him little notes, telling him what I love about him and thanking him for what he does for our family. My husband especially loves hugs, and where i did not come from ahuggy family it is hard for me to do, but I try and give him good long hugs becuase that is what he needs to feel loved. Spend time with him doing what he wants to do. Ask him what would help him feel more loved, and tell him you do love him and want to make sure he knows it.

hi, well I make my husbands lunch for him, and when i do this i always wright a special little note. it doesnt have to be anymore then just i love you. this reminds him every day that i am always thinking of him.

So glad to see others have suggested "The Five Love Languages." The ideas in that book will do wonders for any relationship. You really should get your hands on a copy ASAP. (There's one about children, too, but that's not what you need righht this minute.)
One of the main concepts in the "Love Languages" book is that everyone has a primary love language (words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time, or gifts) and once you know your partner's primary love language, you can "speak" it regularly to help him feel loved. People tend to give love the way they'd like to receive love, which can be a problem in how loved someone actually feels. For example, my primary love language is words of affirmation. I love flattery and kind words. But my husband is all about acts of service and physical touch. So if I buy him cute cards and write him love letters (because *I* would love that), he might think it's nice in a general way, but since *his* love language isn't words of affirmation, he might not get the loving message I mean to send.
So, whatever ideas any of us suggest that help our husbands feel loved may or may not relate to your relationship, since it does sort of depend on your husband's "love language." Although--as stated by someone else, the love language thing is not rocket science and most men appreciate physical touch as a default primary love language, so I, too, agree with the mom who suggested some spicy sex.
Good for you for working to figure this out so it doesn't fester any longer. Best wishes!

I've sent him Thank You cards for all the work he does that allows us to live life the way we do. I also let him choose the weekend activities and we all do "guy" stuff, like shooting off model rockets or racing rc cars. It sounds old fashioned but cooking his favorite meal and making it special (good plates, candles etc.) goes a long way, guys like romance too.

Men are so easy, three basic needs (don't share this with your husband, he may feel like we are looking at them like they are simpletons); 1-sex, 2-food, 3-respect. You keep these in mind, you are golden (BTW, in that order). You can do some special things, a nice dinner, rub his feet, etc. but if every day you look at the three basics his feelings will go away. Now that being said, a person once told me that a great way to spark anyone is to do 10 things each week that show you love them. These do not need to be big things, just anything, make coffee in the morning and bring it to him, leave a note in the briefcase, make a special dinner, get a babysitter.

Good luck to you!

Read "The Five Love Languages" and both of you take the quiz to find out your love languages. The quiz only takes 5 minutes and is SOOOOO worth knowing!

Also a great book overall: "His Needs Her Needs"

Date Night without the kids - regularly!

i was thanking my husband repeatedly for things that he did to help me and also telling him that i loved him daily, but he still kept asking me if i loved him. finally we figured out that he gets my message better when i say, "i love you for vacuuming, taking out the trash, etc." kinda silly, but sometimes the way we word something makes a big difference. maybe you can ask your husband what it is he wants to do with you.
i have read the 5 love languages too and was very frustrated that my husband's love language is physical touch because we have 3 kids, including a breastfeeding baby, and i am tired. i knew that his primary language would be touch, but i was hoping there would be a secondary that i could focus on instead and there isn't. i didn't want to be touched more myself so it was hard to convince myself to do more physically with my husband. but i realized that i could take more opportunities to touch him. i could stop doing the dishes, dry my hands and turn around to hug him back when he tries to hug me, rather than being annoyed that he's making it hard for me to finish my task. i can let him get me in the mood for sex instead of not even starting it because i'm not already in the mood. and like another momma mentioned, adding a kiss to a thank you helps.

I always make it a point to thank my huband for everything that he does for our family - he works SO hard and balances SO much. Sometimes I just stop and say "I really appreciate you!" I also always get up from whatever I am doing and give him a big hug and a kiss when he gets home, so that he knows I have missed him throughout the day and that I am happy he is home. We take the time to let eachother know how happy we are in our marriage and when we do something that the other person appreciates. We are also a very physically affectionate couple, and I will climb into his lap while he is watching TV, and give him lots of random hugs and kisses when he is home. Private couple time is always a priority for both of us and we take advantage of opportunities when they are given to us by our 1 yo. I think that physically intimacy is a HUGE part of marriage, because it ALWAYS brings you closer together and every marriage needs that! He has always said that I make him feel very loved. I just work really hard to remember to let him know how much I appreciate him and to let him know in big ways and little ways. We have been married for just over 2 years and have a 1 y/o boy and another boy on the way due in Dec. So, I know how it can be when you are exhausted and feeling so worn out from being "mommy" all day that its hard to become "wife" again when your hubby comes home, but I feel strongly that the very best thing you can do for your children is to have a strong, loving relationship with your spouse. That is what kids are going to remember most when they grow up and are looking to find someone to be with for themselves. It can be hard with little ones running around, but its really important to put your spouse first and when you do, he will know, and your whole home life will improve and become a much better environment for the kids. Good luck with everything!! I hope my advice helped a little... If you find it hard to show your husband more affection and love, make a conscious effort to think about all the things that he does for you and for your family and all his good qualities that made you want to marry him and if you focus on that sutff you will find that showing more affection will come naturally on its own :-) Good luck!

PS Now I kinda want to read that love languages book too, after reading everyone's posts on it :-)

These ideas are all great and everything, but these are what women want when they feel unloved or unappreciated. Men want physical attention. Give him great sex!

There's a few things. I have talked to my husband about this a few times and he's let me know what I can do to help him feel needed and appreciated. I write him little notes once in awhile. I'll leave them in his lunch, or on the seat of his truck, or on his pillow. Wherever. I just keep them short, tell him how much I love him, or specifically mention something he's done recently that I had noticed and appreciated. I make an effort to tell him how much I appreciate him when he does something for me or the kids, or just when he goes to work so I can stay home with our kids. We also make time for date night at LEAST once a month. It's an investment in our marriage, and very worthwhile. Even if we just walk around the mall, not really buying anything, just being together. It helps both of us!

I think that while you may get lots of ideas from women on here, the biggest thing to realize is that different things make different people feel special. I'm trying to work on that with my husband, both ways.

For example, he tells me he loves me to the point that it annoys me. I don't want to hear it, I want to see it. What makes me feel special is doing little things for me, just to show that he knows me and what I like, and that he's thinking about me. For my birthday, he gave me the perfect gift. I still haven't used it, and it might actually turn out to be a waste of money, but he THOUGHT about what to get me and came up with the idea all by himself. Usually, he pesters me about what I want, then ends up not getting me anything (even if I've told him exactly what I want, where to get it, and how much it costs) or making me go buy it myself :(

It's probably because of how his family is. They literally write a shopping list for their Christmas "wish list" complete with color, size, etc. and Mom and Grandma go shopping. Nothing's a surprise. So he's not used to buying or getting thoughtful gifts. He has told me a few times that I'm really good at buying gifts, but I don't think that thoughtful gifts make him feel all that special.

I'm not completely sure yet what makes him feel most special, but I think one big one is physical affection. Hugs and kisses and slaps on the butt, you know. I think food is a way to his heart, too. The kids and I really don't like a lot of the foods he likes, like lima beans and ham, but I make them for him sometimes and cook something different for the rest of us. It's even better when we'll eat his favorite foods with him, for some reason. It's like a bonding experience for him.

Men probably aren't so good at knowing what they need to feel special, so you might have to feel it out. But the fact that your husband was insightful enough to talk to you about it means that he just MIGHT know what would make him feel special. Maybe you could talk to him about it and get some ideas!
It seems like you ought to be able to try a few things out and see if he responds, then you'll have a better idea of what he likes.

Have a conversation with him. Tell him all the reasons you need him and ask him what makes him feel needed. My husband had this same complaint and we had a talk about it. He was feeling like I took him for granted. In our discussion I told him all the things I do that he takes for granted (ie - when was the last time you said "thanks for washing my clothes" ?) and said that I'd try to be more grateful for all the things he does.
Also, you work and have 2 little kids -- how much is he chipping in on the child care? Maybe he feels neglected because he's not "in" on the parent/child dynamic that is consuming your after-work hours. If you both work full-time then child care should be 50/50 (assuming they are his kids). Let him know that if he chips in on taking care of the kids, especially the bedtime routine, that you'll have more couple time after the kids go to bed.

5 Love Languages is a must! It was eye openning for me. And I give in a very different language than my husband receives. Miscommunication of good hearts is so tough. You will see immediate changes in your marriage.

Sex is another biggie! My husband and I struggle through this one all the time. For us, it isn't always about the actual sex (although this is a key piece for my husband), but about being together in naked ways. Jump in the shower together after the kids go down. Turn down the monitor, shut your door, and have fun! There is something intimate and a little risky (at least for us) about showering together. Find fun ways to connect and please each other in there. A showerhead the is removable is fun too.

Most important, learn how to show your husband respect. It sounds like you have a good relationship that just needs a tune up. Grab the book "Love and Respect" by Emeron Eggerichs. It is a Christian book, but if that's not your belief, there are still some amazing truths about how men and women are wired. Start replacing some of your words of love to him with respect (Like "I respect you for working so hard for our family" or "I respect who you are as a man and my husband" or "I respect how you handled that difficult situation without compromising who you are".) It is amazing how sutle shifts in how things are said can move the words from the surface of his heart to penetrating down to his very core. Speak highly of him when you are with other people. Speak well of him with you are with folks that will never cross paths with him. Genuine respect will show your husband love in ways you can't even imagine.

If you are super busy with activities, consider slowing down. Your girls aren't going to remember that they weren't in karate, dance, soccer, and piano all at the same time. They will remember forever if you dance with your husband in the kitchen to music only you 2 can hear (or the Elmo song playing in the background).

Marriage in any form is worth working hard on. Marriage to a good man is doubly worth it.