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Husband Angry When I Deny sex...HELP!!!

Lately I have been feeling very neglected and unappreciated by my husband. Granted, the past few days he has been putting in an EXTRAORDINARY amount of time with the business he just started (which by the way, I have a hand in running too). But just this week alone, I have been stuck at home with 1 sick kid, another kid who is miserable because she is teething, not to mention all of the household chores/duties that need to be tended to. So just last night, I tried talking to him about how I am feeling, and all he wanted to do was turn it around on how he feels...how tired he is...how neglected he is...how unappreciated he is. I feel like his every response to a "sexual suggestion" is always what I NEED to do for HIM. And whenever I mention that I have "needs" too, it always get pushed to the side or he changes the subject. I usually just end up walking away, because I have learned that arguing about it just isn't worth the time or energy.

For example, last night, I was so exhausted/tired/run down that I was falling asleep on the couch by 9:30. And of course the response I get from my husband (in an almost "hateful" tone) is "You are going to fall asleep! Why don't you just go up to bed!" So I knew right there, that the rest of this night would be turbulent. I ended up falling asleep on the couch, and by the time I went up to bed, he was laying there all pissed off. We layed in bed for a few minutes (I guess he was waiting to see if I initiated something), and when I didn't he got in a huff and went and slept on the couch the rest of the night. This isn't the first time...in fact, I have lost count on how many times he has gotten pissed at me because I am too tired, or just not in the mood to fool around or have sex.

I guess I just want to know that I am not the only woman who goes through this. And certainly any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance for your help ladies, and sorry for rambling on. I just needed to vent!

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S.,

You are telling my story and I have to tell you this runs so much deeper than sex. I cannot stress to you enough that you two must seek some counseling - now - as this situation is just starting to develop. You are both feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated and resentful of each other. This can only fester with time. I wish I would have been give this advice - but I wasn't and we continued on until I woke up one day and realized that all of the love, respect and affection we had for each other was now replaced with apathy and anger and no desire to fix it. Life is very stressful - you need to get the skills and coping mechanisms to help you find a way to understand each others positions and support each other.

Best of Luck to you,

Henry

Hi S.,

After 15 years of marriage I finally got my husband to realize that the best forplay is when he cleans up the kitchen after dinner. It pays off because at 10:00 I'm a little less tired and willing (happy) to have sex.

I think women are more willing to have sex if they feel their partner is not taking them for granted and is willing to chip in with the household/family duties.

Good luck!!
H.

More Answers

Sometimes I feel like I could have sex once a year and be o.k. yet once we get started, I really enjoy myself. Your absolutely right that when you are exhausted both mentally and physically sex is the last thing that enters your mind. My husband, like yours, feels neglected and dejected from this as well. I spoke to a person at our church who is a friend as well as a marriage counseler just to vent and what she told me surprised me. She said that in a happy marriage, women want to be loved and men want to be respected. In men's minds, respect is thanking them for providing income for their family and having sex frequently. Men require more sex than we do. She essentially told me that by having sex more often (I hate to say "force" yourself but it is what it is) you'll have a very happy man who in turn becomes much more loving towards you. I thought I was giving up my "self" by doing this but I gave it a go. WOW!! My husband responded like I couldn't believe! I write him little notes in his lunch to thank him for being a good provider and I initiate sex much more often. When he is in the mood I try to always give in. It is difficult sometimes but honestly if your marriage is not happy...your kids suffer the most so do it for the kids! I have also found that I have more sexual energy in the morning so I try and get him to do it then...before anyone wakes up. Good luck!

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Hi S.!

You are not alone. Most any married woman goes through it. But I will pass on this to you. Marriage is work, sex and all. I understand your tired but maybe if you set aside time for just your husband and you after the kids are in bed things wont be so bad. He needs you too. I know how you feel. I also know that all the advice you'll get you may foofoo. But remember this.... your husband is your BIGGEST child. You cant forget him. I do know from personal experience that if you take care of him (like you promised to) then he will take care of you. Marriage is a give and take. I also know that it can be very hard especially if one or both are tired and/or angry. But love and let go. Search your heart and try to remember what you love about him. What first attracted you to him. I know thats hard too but it helps. I hope things start to go well for you before too long. Good Luck!!!!

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Dear S.,

This is a struggle I've been having throughout most of my 13 1/2 year marriage. My husband also feels angry and hurt and rejected when I deny sex. He seems to always approach me in the kitchen when I'm busy, and it's next to impossible to conjure up feelings of intimacy. I've learned over the years that he needs sex just as I need to talk out my hopes and dreams with him, but talking about why I don't want to have sex at the times he is ready to, is next to impossible. So, for the past few months, I've made a point to either approach him on a Saturday or Sunday, when the kids(ages 5, 9, and 11) are occupied, or I'll hint to him ahead of time that I'm planning for a time to be intimate with him after the kids are occupied, and he likes the fact that I'm thinking about him.

Like you, I tried to explain myself and defend myself to my husband, after he'd suggest sex, and it only turned into an extremely frustrating and heated conversation or all-out fight. From that, I learned not to talk about it at that particular time, but to find a better time when we're both relaxed and getting along. However, even finding a time like that has become impossible, because I just hate talking about it with him, because of his reactions. His reactions are always very defensive, and he responds in a way that makes me feel there's something wrong with me that I don't always want sex like him. So, I've pretty much avoided talking about it with him, because he doesn't try very hard to understand me, as a woman. And that's his problem. I've stopped letting him make me think there's something wrong with me. I've had to train my mind not to believe there's something wrong with me, and talking to other moms who feel the same way, plus praying without stopping, has helped me a lot. It has also helped me to realize I can't own my husband's anger. If he's going to be mad at me about something I've really thought through and am trying my best, then he's just going to have to be mad. I can take it now, and I know for a fact the anger won't last too long - usually he's not angry an hour later.

I realize I sound a little crazy here, not being able to talk freely about this with my husband, but it's the best way for me. It may not be the best way for you - you'll have to be the judge of that. No two couples are the same, and rarely do a husband and wife think the same way on every situation in marriage. It's important for us, women, to sort of research and understand for ourselves, how men think, in order to protect ourselves, even though the thought may not even cross our husbands' minds to research how women think. Some men are willing to attend marriage conferences or retreats that include the subject of sex. Is this a possibility for you? I know that childcare would be needed, not to mention a husband who is willing to attend, and face the dreaded "unknown!"

I have realized how selfish and impatient my husband's father was when my husband was young. This contributes to my husband's behavior, and helps me be more patient. However, I also realize it can't be a constant excuse for him, and he should have faced this issue and dealt with it. Again, though, I can't force him to face his past issues, but I CAN pray! There are a lot of things to think about here, and it hasn't seemed fair that I seem to be the one doing all the thinking. But look at this as an experience that you'll be able to help someone else through. Even if you continue to struggle with it, you can still share your understanding and empathize with other younger moms, and help them feel NORMAL when their spouses are making them feel CRAZY!

Sincerely,
C. Phillips

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Hey S.!

I do understand! I'm a mom of a 4 year old and a 6 month old. I've been so fatigued and tired that I went to the doctor to have my thyroid checked 'cause I was sure there was something wrong, but nope, it's just from being a mommy of two, a wife, a homekeeper, etc, etc,. I can surely tell you that I am rarely in the mood anymore and I struggle with the same issues. But the one thing I have learned from previous marriage counseling and conversations with my husband is this...I feel loved by my husband when my needs are met by being nutured, hugged, appreciated for the amount I do with the kids or a comment on how nice the house looks and especially when he comes in and HELPS with something in the house like the dishes or bathtime etc. When he does those little things for me I feel so loved that even when I'm exhausted I want to meet his need. Trust me I am not always in the mood and occasionally once we get started the stress of my day does melt away and sometimes I say let's just do a quickie!

What my husband has told me is that the way he feels loved and appreciated and is motivated enough to meet my nuturing needs is to have sex. He needs his sexual release in order to feel close and loving. So it can turn in to this viscious cycle of not meeting each others needs because we are too tired and they are too angry.

Ok, I said all that to say, although it frustrates me sometimes, I have to understand that men and women are wired differently and they tend to access their nuturing side if they have sexual release, so it requires a bigger act of selflessness on our part to try and turn the cycle around. But, I think if you can muster enough energy to initiate a few times, and make him feel really special for all the hard work he is doing with the new business and acknowledge all those things, then hopefully he will be able to give back to you in the ways you need and be more in tuned with your daily stresses. Love for your spouse isn't a magical feeling you just always wake up with, sometimes it's a choice we deliberately make every morning when we turn over and see them lying there. Sometimes we have to choose to love that person we married and sometimes we have our hearts full of the warm fuzzies and marital bliss! But I really believe love is an action and not a feeling.

I know some would say it's just you giving in to his demands, but If you can look at it as a action step for getting what you want and desire I think things might get better, or I pray that they do. Sometimes we have to be the peacemaker in the relationship. I hope this helps a little. Blessings from one frazzled mommy to another!

1 mom found this helpful

S.,
Your husband is being very selfish, not to mention childish. Yes, you both are very busy and you both have needs, the first of which should be to listen to one another, not just you listening to him. If he wants to take his pillow and blanket and go and sleep on the couch, so be it. I know it is probably upsetting but honestly, do you want to have sex with your husband just so he wont be mad? That would be a terrible life. My advice is this: Talk with him about the situation and explain that you are tired, that doesnt mean you still dont find him attractive and whatnot, it just means your tired. Does he have to have sex every night? If so then he needs to find someone else if that is not how you work. Men can have sex if they are mad, sad, happy, whatever. We women on the other hand need motivated and need to be in the mood, we arent like men. So take all of that and add EXTREME TIREDNESS on top of it....NO WAY! So talk with him about it and if he still doesnt get it, have him buy a pull out sofa bed. And as far as you are concerned, close your eyes at night and sleep soundly, you did NOTHING wrong.
Sincerely,
C. S.

1 mom found this helpful

I would talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel....It sounds like he needs to grow up a bit.

I understand your feelings. It seems as if you are both stressed. Marriage is not a competition, but it may be in your husband's background that he has to "one up" you whenever you try to explain your feelings. I don't understand why men don't realize "foreplay" starts at the beginning of the day. If a man makes his wife feel appreciated, loved and cared for all day long, she will much more often "be in the mood" at night. In a quiet, calm, loving way you might try to convey this to him.

S.,

You are telling my story and I have to tell you this runs so much deeper than sex. I cannot stress to you enough that you two must seek some counseling - now - as this situation is just starting to develop. You are both feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated and resentful of each other. This can only fester with time. I wish I would have been give this advice - but I wasn't and we continued on until I woke up one day and realized that all of the love, respect and affection we had for each other was now replaced with apathy and anger and no desire to fix it. Life is very stressful - you need to get the skills and coping mechanisms to help you find a way to understand each others positions and support each other.

Best of Luck to you,

Henry

Honestly, it sounds like more than just a sex problem. It sounds like the two of you are having a hard time connecting and actually communicating on a meaningful level. My guess from what you have said is that you are both feeling a lot of stress. It, also, sounds like in the past you have been the one to listen to his gripes and help him through his stress. When you fell asleep, he may have resented not being able to share what was going on with him emotionally either in an active or passive way. He had spent a lot of time in the office all week and was under a lot of stress.

I'm not trying to make light of your stress or all you have been through this past week. I'm a stay-at-home Mom who works part-time from home and does most of the work in raising our three beautiful children (8 year old daughter, 3 year old son and 6 month old son). Ours is the hardest job there is out there. There is no job more stressful.

However, I've also learned that in general, most men have a harder time multi-tasking than women and they tend to make things into competitions. In other words, you think your week was stressful, listen to this.

Why don't you try talking to him again? Tell him that you know he was upset the other night and that you feel you aren't truly communicating. Ask him if he would be willing to try something new with you so that maybe the two of you can both have a better understanding of what is going on in your lives and what is bothering the other one.

My suggestion is that you both get a piece of paper and write down what in your lives is bothering you. Write what you think is the bothering the other person. Also, write down the things in your lives that you are happy with. Also, what it is about the other one that made you fall in love. Try to bring up your problems while also pointing out the positives in your lives.

I don't know if it will work for you but I think it would be worth trying. Perhaps he is listening to you but just not in an effective way that you can sense.

Good luck. I hope my suggestion helps. BTW, sex is the key issue with my husband and I. I have a very small sex drive and we have a hard time finding a time when neither of us is exhausted and the kids are asleep or out in order to connect in that way. It is something I am currently working on and hope to make better. Even if the two of you only manage to bring up what needs to be worked on and reach an understanding that you are going to try, it may relieve a little of the stress on both of you.

1st yes men sadly think of themselves first and usually need sex more often then us gals.

Once in while you both have to compromise, but no way should you just give in to each time.

You should have gone straight to bed and fell asleep.

Have u 2 not had it in weeks? months? or is it like he wants it each night and only gets it a once or twice

sounds like the 2 of you need some time alone, get baby sitter go out to eat and relax, or therapy.

Your needs just as important and should be acknowledged.

Hi S.,

I understand what you are going through. Many women go through the same type of situation with their husbands and vice versa. And it is difficult to try to understand and trouble shoot what is going on when you yourself are stuck in the middle of it. My strongest advice to you is to dig a little deeper to find out what might be the REAL reason you both are feeling the way you are. What I am saying is that with most marriages, there is a lack of communication between husband and wife and what is really causing the problems at hand. When I say lack of communication, I am simply saying that you BOTH have the need to feel loved by the other and neither of you are getting what you need. There are different types of Love. I know that may sound crazy, but it's true. What makes you feel loved is not necessarily what will make him feel loved. It is important to find out what makes your partner feel loved. Now, you may say, "all my husband wants is sex", but what it sounds like to me is that your husband feels loved by physical touch. There is nothing wrong with that, but that's not what makes YOU feel loved. I can't tell based off of what you wrote how you need to feel loved, but I know for a fact it's probably NOT physical touch. It might be him telling you how beautiful you are or how much he loves you. Or, it might be him bringing home a little something for you every now and then. Or, it might be him helping you with the houshold chores. If I had to guess, it sounds like you are the first that I mentioned which is words of affirmation; him telling you all of the things that you need to hear to make you feel loved.

I don't want to write a book here, but if you want to try to resolve this and do it with hopes of success, I suggest that you purchase a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It has brought many marriages back together and I suggest that you both read it or at least read the sections that are related to each of you. It has helped my husband and I immensely. It takes a lot of dedication and selflessness to continually think how the other person needs to be loved. But, if you both are concious of eachother, then you will find a very gratifying and wonderful marriage as a result.

May you both find happiness... and Love,

J. S

When I was at my National Training with Slumber Parties our guest speaker was Dr. Laura Berman. And what stuck out in my mind was 2 things. First, is that women need intimacy for sex and men need sex for intimacy and by not getting our needs met we will hit a stalemate situation. Secondly, that you should be having sex about every 2 weeks or so to keep your relationship healthly. Even it means you have to give it when you are not in the mood. So have a date night. Also have a Girls Night Out!!! Sometimes us just being able to be ourselves for a few hours can change things. It has been mention that a few hours with our girlfriends can change your libido. Why you ask? Because when we spend time with our friends, we are not Mom, Wife, Housekeeper, Chef and all the other hats we wear. We become just S. because that is who we are to our friends. By the way, I help you have a wonderful girls night out.

Also has your sexual activity become routine? When ours did, I stopped wanting to have sex. I knew how it was going to begin and end. It wasn't fun from me anymore. It just seemed just like another chore for me to do. I let my husband know that is how I felt. So we started to try new things, places and so on. Change the routine.

Is his timing always when you go to bed? Let him know that he can't wait until you are going to bed for sex. Try having sex at lunch time or when the kids are taking a nap. Or one more wake you up to have some fun before the day get started.

You are not the only one out there have this type of problem. There are thousands of women going through the same thing. I know I was one of them. I hope all this advice helps you with husband. If you want to learn more about Slumber Parties you can visit my website at www.SlumberPartiesbyAdrienne.com

Good Luck with Everything

A.

Hi S., I was in the same place you are now just a few years ago. I felt neglected and exhausted at the end of everyday and my husband would be furious that I would fall asleep or not feel like it. I know that it's the hardest thing at that point in your life to make yourself get in the mood but I think at least sometimes you should. And when he acts the way he does it probably makes you want to scream but it won't help. My son is 8 yrs old and just the other night I told my husband that I was feeling like I was getting sick and I wanted to go right to bed (after work at 11pm) so I could get a good night's sleep and he threw a fit. It won't change but it will get better.

I agree with some of the other mom's comments. First, you should definitely get some alone time with your husband. This will definitely help. Try to schedule one date night per month if you can or more. Second, unfortunately, I think they are right about needing to take care of his needs first for him to take care of yours. It stinks...I know, but I have been fighting a no-win battle for 8 yrs. When I give in or I initiate, he is so much happier and more affectionate toward me. Try it for awhile and see for yourself. I think all moms go through what you are going through at some point but that doesn't make it any easier. I hope you can make it work.

you are not the only one

It is so nice to hear someone else with the same issues.My husband and I have been together for fifteen years. (married 10) We have two children ages 3 and 7. There are some days I am so tired, not physically but emotionally drained. He doesn't get it. Sometimes I will have sex even if I don't want to just to keep the peace.Don't get me wrong I like sex,just not as much as he does. As women we are expected to cater to everyones needs and I think we are forgotten sometimes. As far as advice sometimes we take a little alone time when he gets home.My husband gets home at 4:30.We put in a movie in for the kids. Or on the weekends we have what we call nooners. Again put in a movie for the kids, give them some popcorn, it keeps our kids occupied. I hope I have helped. Write back if you need more help.

Dannielle

You are not alone- obviously with a new business and everything else that goes into a family BOTH of you probably have your own reasons to feel underappreciated and neglected. However, in my opinion based on your plea - your husband is acting like a spoiled, selfish child. I find men can be self-absorbed and it appears your husband may have forgotten he has a whole family and not just himself to be concerned about. Have you been able to communicate in the past? Maybe what you two need is a night away from the business, kids whatever, just a time where you can talk, without getting angry, and maybe even have a laugh or too and then see what happens passionately. I know, it is hard to want to have sex when you are not in the mood, but it takes two and your husband needs to wake up and appreciate you for not only helping out in the new business but being a full-time mom too! (men have no idea) You can't make yourself responsible for the way your husband is feeling, but you can take control of the way you are feeling. Good luck and remember LIFE is short, so Live While you can!

I think EVERY woman, or at least mom goes through this. Its a very difficult situation. Woman are comforted and feel satisfying intimacy through emotional fulfillment, but men NEED physical fulfillment. I think your husband's repsonse was unnecessary and hurtful. He should express to you his feelings rather than huff and separate....but we are talking about men here who don't easily express their feelings. I would suggest talking it through with him. Be ready to sacrifice and fulfill his needs. I know motherhood is tiring (I have three with one on the way:), but we cannot let our marriages go during these years. They must grow. You can think of a different nightly routine. Get the kids down and play a game or have some good old conversation vs. TV watching when you just fall asleep. I'm not saying never watch TV, but be more choosy about it. Ask him to be more concerned about fulfilling emotional needs and then you must be willing to fulfill physical needs more often. It doesn't have to be a set schedule, but an intentional one. Once men feel physically satisfied, then they seem to be more intuitive to their woman's needs. If you are feeling too tired, then I highly suggest to have a sitter every once in awhile so you can have a break. AND to have a date night!! Its worth it and you will be a rejuvenated wondeful mother to your children. One of the best things you can do for your children is exemplify a healthy marriage to them. Good Luck!!

I will start out by saying that you are totally normal (and so is he) for feeling the way you do. I do not think men really will EVER grasp the enormous task that being a mother is. They just aren't made to. However, hopefully y'all can learn to work as a team, instead of working against each other.

This will probably sound unorthodox, but if you begin to meet his needs more, he will do the same for you. One of you has to start and consistently CHOOSE to love, no matter if your own needs are being met. It is sometimes a difficult choice to act out, when you feel so angry. But, it works. I know, I have done it.

My husband and I have read a great book called the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. In it, he discusses (through 12 years of marital counseling notes), what he found to be the 5 main needs that people complained about that were not being met. They are: Words of Affirmation (praise and thank-you's), Quality Time (spending uninterupted time with them), Gifts (little goodies), Acts of Service (taking out the trash, vacuuming, etc.), and Physical Touch (holding hands, not just having sex). Dr. Chapman explains that when our main love language is not being spoken to us, our "love tank" gets emptied and how we need to learn to speak the OTHER person's language, not speak our own to them. Often, couples have different languages and this causes a breakdown of communication, anger and unforgiveness.

This book has been a great help to us even now that we have been married 6 years. Our first child arrived last August. I work out of our home, tend the baby and my husband does construction and side jobs as well. We have an extremely full and busy life. I was basically starting to feel like I wanted to leave. I wasn't getting any help with the chores since he was busy working for everyone else, but I was left out. Since I was angry, I certainly wasn't going to tell him he was doing a good job!! My love language is Acts of Service and his is Words of Affirmation. Once we revisited our languages, we have both been making an effort to speak the others' language and things have been a great deal better.

One other thing, since I have gone on and on!! Try to put yourself in your husband's shoes. He is probably nervous and fearful about the new business going well and how he will provide for you and the girls. He also may be feeling a bit of a failure because he knows he hasn't been helping, or spending time with you and the kids. Men are often more sensitive and fragile than we think, or they EVER let on. Most of the time they don't know what they are feeling, let alone how to express it! I know it is like pulling teeth to get my husband to talk most of the time.

I am sure you know the REAL issues have little to do with whether or not you are having enough sex. That is just the way it is coming out. Y'all need to talk, forgive and CHOOSE to love each other. Maybe you can get a housekeeper to help you with all the chores? :)

Hang in there!

when our girls were younger my hubby was the opposite he didnt want it. and for you both it gets better when they get older! but try to set time out for him, after kids go to sleep,or napping . thats the best you can do even if its just one or 2 nights a week

Communication is important and yall really need to listen to each other. Try to go somewhere away from home and talk. Inside the house may not be a good place to talk or when you each are frustrated and tired. Men basically unfortunately don't have a clue to what women need and what they want. And some will never get it. There are so many marriages that are ending in divorce and that is very sad. I believe marriage is compromise and couples working together. And most of the time woman end up doing and giving more in the relationship than what they bargained for. I remember my husband working two jobs, spending most of his time working. It was mostly the children and I doing things together without him. And now he is disabled not able to do the type of work he use to could. We are growing apart. I've been married 21 years. And I no longer really want to be married to my husband. He's a nice guy but just not the man that I need in my life. I want to be married to a man that can love me and who I enjoy loving just as much. I want to be married but to a man that I don't believe exists. I have felt like I am more of a nurse and caregiver than a wife. Nor do I feel that I have a husband that is capable of loving me. My husband has quite a few health issues, plus he is deaf and has loss his hearing from meningitis and tumor. Because of his health issues he has been impotent for several years. It is a miracle that we produced three children. I remember those days of being too tired to make love. And sometimes what I did was take a nap during the day or before my husband got home. Is it possible to have a family member or someone that will help pitch in sometimes with the children. And some things you may have to let go of doing until your children are older. You're human and can't do it all. Not to mention you need an outlet to do somethings by yourself and for yourself that you enjoy. Do you have a life outside of your children and outside of your husband. Men are basically selfish creatures. For me to get through all of this I have to read the Bible and pray often. It is my relationship with God that has kept me from losing my mind. And even if your husband does not pray for you. Pray for him that God will help him be the man that God has created him to be. Have you guys thought of counseling. My husband wouldn't go. But I went alone for me to have someone to talk to and help me put things in to perspective.

I pray things work. I love hearing about couples in love. I write and read about relationships, romance and love.

blessings,
L.

Hi S.,

After 15 years of marriage I finally got my husband to realize that the best forplay is when he cleans up the kitchen after dinner. It pays off because at 10:00 I'm a little less tired and willing (happy) to have sex.

I think women are more willing to have sex if they feel their partner is not taking them for granted and is willing to chip in with the household/family duties.

Good luck!!
H.

I don't really have any advice...except try talking to him, or maybe try initiating something before you get so tired you can't stay awake...or set your alarm for half an hour earlier in the morning (nothing like morning sex to start your day off right). I can tell you, though...you are definitely not alone. I think most of us go through this at some point. Talking is what gets my husband and I through it...that and postponing sex until morning on the nights when one or the other of us is too tired.

Hi S.,

My husband and I went through something very similar. We started going to therapy and it really helped. We are not good communicators and the therapy sessions helped to draw us out of ourselves. I don't know if your husband would be willing to go with you, but you could also start by going by yourself to work some things out. My therapist is Terry from Arbor Counseling in Narberth. Good luck.
-M.

It's normal to get upset or mildly agitated when a person is denied sex(both men and women alike) but to get angry and sleep on the couch and things of those nature is absolutely absurd. You need to have a sit down with him whether he likes it or not, Just tell him that after you say your piece he is more than welcome to say his and try to come to some agreement. As we are only getting your side of this, how often do you actually have sex?? Are you always too tired, if you are this is probably the reason he is frustrated. I am not saying how he goes about it is right but fact of the matter is this, a healthy relationship is not solely based on sex but it is a healthy part of it. It can often be a big reason many relationships, marriages etc. have problems. I am not saying give in to his every whim but try and come to some type of balance where both of your needs, whether physical, housework etc. are being met. good luck!!!

Dear S.,
Having grown up in a family where my parents were always fighting and sleeping in separate rooms at times, I know that this is something your kids will pick up on. Even if you are not arguing in front of them, they will feel the tension between you. I strongly suggest you get some counseling for both of you. If your husband is unwilling, it may help to have some for yourself. I've learned over the years that men are not good listeners, and only want to fix things when you tell them how you feel. Sometimes their way of fixing things is by having sex. On the other hand, they need you to listen to them without trying to fix things sometimes too. It sounds like you both are feeling underappreciated. Whenever I feel like my husband is not being empathetic towards how hard it is to be a SAHM, I leave him with the baby for a few hours and go out to do something nice for myself (ie. nails done, haircut, something to make you feel pretty). He usually appreciates how hard my job is very quickly, and I get a much needed break. When you have a break for yourself, you might have an easier time listening to him complain and may even be more interested in sex. You can also show him how much you appreciate him by doing something nice/unexpected for him. I think the most important gift we can give our children is a healthy relationship with our spouse. Maybe a weekend away (or even a date night once a week) without the kids would help you reconnect in a positive way. Enough of my rambling. I hope this was helpful. Good luck.
J. W

Honestly, I would say that a counselor could be very helpful in facilitating conversation. The issue of intimacy in your marriage is an important one, and its health is indicative of other important issues. It sounds like you guys are under a lot of stress. If your marriage is worth fighting for, you'll want to keep tabs on these issues early on so that they don't grow and overwhelm you later. My husband and I have benefited so much from Crossroads Counseling Center ###-###-####). They have a sliding fee scale if you feel like you can't afford the full rate. I think I have a pretty good marriage to begin with, but it is getting so much better with the help of a professional!
Take care,
L.

You are not the only woman with this issue. I too am a SAHM with 3 little girls (5,3,22 mo), it does take a toll on me to run the house and care for the children everyday. My hubby works later hours so I am totally dead by the time he gets home. Is your hubby willing to put the children to bed so you can take a relaxing bath and try to muster up some energy...sometimes a little alone time can help! This is something many couples struggle with, we all just need to keep the communication open with our spouses. Maybe set a day that you know will be "open" for you and your hubby...do less that day and rest up :o)

I think all men have this idea in there head..."If my wife is to tired to have sex with me she is either not in love with me or she is having an affair". We as woman are not allowed to be tired from work/chores/kids,etc. They don't understand that sex for us is not always a tension releiver but rather sometimes another chore. For men it dosn't have to be sensual, all it has to be is the act (or lack there of). For most men it could be the 5 or 10 minute act that does the job. Sometimes, for me, I find it easier just to write those minutes off my day when I see my husband is starting to get sexually frusterated. He knows that I am not doing it for myself but rather for him. Which makes it work out for both of us because ( let's be honest) I would much rather him get it done quickly. So my theory is.. get done what you need to do so I can go about my business. It sounds a little cold but let me tell you when I do that for him he really appreciates it. Then when I am in the mood....whaaahhooo ...his job is 10X's harder. So you see my fellow lady friends, we all have reasons for doing certain things to get what we want. Let me tell you it is a great trade off...5 or 10 minutes compared to 2 hours....WELL WORTH IT!!!

Hi S.-
Let me start by saying that I think every mom at one time or another goes through some form of sexual tention w/ their mates, though there is different extremes. I am a mom of 5 (soon to be 6) ages ranging from 1 to 13 and let me tell you that it is a 2nd job to stay connected to one another because it is very easy to get disconnected in our everyday life. What has worked for us is going unconventional, being intimate when the opportunity arises, like early morning when you first get up, or having a sitter and instead of going to dinner get a room for a couple hours, not only has it kept us happy but it rekindled the excitment as well.
I think in your situation, maybe surprise him and if still doesnt change I would seek couples conseling, believe me, everyone hits hi's and lo's in a marriage/ relationship its how you come out of them that counts. Hope this helps. Take care-T.

S.,
Don't feel like you are the only one who has ever gone through something like this! I have a feeling that a lot of women do. My husband and I went through something like this in December. After arguing I don't know how many times and going to bed with him upset about not having sex and me feeling like I've let him down, I got some wisdom from my mother-in-law. She told me to put my husband first and make him feel special and in return he would treat me like I was the most important thing in his life. So, I tried it for a week and I have to tell you, our marriage has never been as good and our sex life is fantastic! I have made it a point, that no matter how tired I am or how unattractive I may feel at that particular time, I initiate sex every other day. My husband is very happy and when he's happy, so am I. It has also brought us a lot closer emotionally.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that things get better!

Well for one you are not the only woman who feels this way, and surely won't be the last. But we as women have to understand that men are totally different creatures. They think different than us, they understand differently than we do and they will always treat situations differently than we do. Just think, if you were married to a woman it would be far worse!! LOL that's why we choose men. It's the difference that makes it so great. It's just that men like to hear what a great job they are doing too. They need a confidence boost. They need to know that all the hard work they do is being recognized to. That's part of a good foundation to a good marriage. If you tell each other every day 10 positive things it will start to pay off. And remember it takes 100 positive comments to make up for just one negative one.
I suggest the candle conversation for you two. You light a candle and vow to talk civally until the candle burns out or until you resolve your issues. One or the other. You obviously love each other and you obviously want to make things well. It sounds like you are both just really stressed out and need to find a way to find some time for each other. It's very hard to do that when your kids are young. It's hard to even go to the bathroom by yourself!! Don't we all know that all too well. But there is hope. Just make yourself a vow to keep yourself in a calm manner even with your kids and try to validate your love with your kids and your husband every day in a positive way, soon you will see that they will start to do the same with you in time. But someone has to start the cycle and set the example. Usually it is the woman of the house. We are the ones who hold family together in the emotional way. The men usually do in the physical and financial way. I may be wrong, but that is just the way I see it.
I wish you so much luck and hope that you find a way to see things through in a loving and positive way for all of your family. Keep your chin up!
M.

Don't worry you are not alone. I know you have had a ton of responses, but I too have an easily frustrated husband, especially when he is sexually frustrated. Actually for the guys I think that the lack of sex even makes it worse for them as does adding the "chore" at the end of our day for us! I agree with others, that just take the time to give them the five minutes that they need, it really makes the situation a ton better. For as tired as you are, just think, a few minutes dedicated to his need will remove all that extra stress of going to bed angry at each other! Believe it turns into a really easy solution! Its really no different than us wanting a romantic gesture or a comforting hug/kiss when we're stressed out! Just gotta put yourself in the guys shoes! I have found that it is difficult b/c by the time the kids are in bed and you can be alone, I'm am so tired I just want to fall asleep. But if at anytime there is a moment in the day when you are home alone or the kids are napping or at a friends house, give him a quickie! I once read that a man loves nothing more when they are stressed out to come home and have their wife "take control" if you know what I mean. Believe me i know that it isn't easy with the kids, I have a 4 and 2 yr old. But if you can even make the time to have them go to a relative or friends house for the night and surprise him before he comes home from work! It will change your entire household! Put it this way, sex is great for health and your marriage and stress is realy bad for both. Just like you may put in a little extra effort to eat healthy or exercise you need to look at sex the same way! Its really true! and more important find what it is that you like out of sex and focus on it ti could not only relieve some of your stress but also make it not so much a "chore" for you! Hope i helped! I totally know where you are coming from, have been there completely! good Luck Jennifer

You have to read this article. It is awesome and helps you understand sex. Men and women have different emotional needs. This is written by a marriage counselor who haas written for newspapers and has several marriage books published. There is also an awesome book called the 5 love languages that is awesome to. Here is the link for it. (See if you can get your husband to read it to).
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2...

Oh Boy this is something I deal with all the time. I know exactly how you feel. I have been married 21 years with my husband for 26 I am 43 years old. Sex is really the only reason we fight. Which I can't understand why because honestly this is a little embrassing for me, but we have sex every night. The problem is if I don't want to he gets really upset with me. So whether I want to or not I do it just to avoid confrontation with him. Believe me I tell him how I feel about it, but I always end up giving in. The problem is if he goes to be early, I have to go to bed early. Early is like 8 - 9pm and I have two teenagers 12 & 13. Who do not go to bed until 10pm. So here I am at 43 years old being told to go to bed, My parents never told me when to go to bed and that is no lie. Iknow how you feel about wanting to tell your husband your needs. They don't get it! As long as their need is fed everything should be fine. I would love to just one night be able to lay in bed and just snuggle without the sex. You know what I mean? Or just talk. We have a basement that is under construction now for 8 years I wanted to talk about that but he gets angry. He does that for a living so he does not want to do it on weekends so I guess I need to hire someone, since he wont talk about it.

My point is this, you are not alone. I sympathize with you seriously!

A little about me:
Married with 1 son 13 and a daughter 12.

Hi S.,

I have been married 9 years + lived with/dated husband for 3 prior for a total of 12. I have a 7 year old girl and a 4 year old boy.

The simple answer to your question, via my husband, is the only thing that matters to him is a clean house and sex. He has been telling me this since day one and it's only the last two years that I have listened. Before that I used to feel offended, but now I finally get it. And now that he gets regular sex, even the clean house has been less important. It took me forever to realize he has differnet needs than me. And they are just as important as my need for understanding and love.

Now I will say that we never have sex at night now. I am always too tired or I feel the time after the kids go to sleep is mine. So we have been more creative about finding time to spend together. If the kids are home and awake I set them up with thier favorite tv show and popcorn. Now that my son is in preschool we try to find a time in the afternoon. We have date... Lunch and a nooner my husband says.

What makes it more special is that I am not stressed, I get to relax and even enjoy the attention as well as giving my husband attention.

The best part of this, is that the rest of the day my husband is happy and more engaged in the family, more helpful etc.
He is more open with attention and affection towards me and ultimatately gives me what I am seeking without even asking.

The last two weeks he has even wanted to spend more time together talking without sex. He is no longer the frustrated, defensive or shooting off little digs. Our relationship is much improved and we are more of a team.

I will also say, I always thought I would be a working mom, and since I have stayed home I have become more and more thankful for this opportunity. I waited before having kids and am now in my mid 40's. I treasure the time I have taking the kids to events and spending time making memories with them. I used to feel unappreciated, but now I am focusing
more on what I have, and how lucky I am to stay home.

I tend to forget, living in an 4 bedroom house in a fairly affluent neighborhood, that most people do not live like me and that I am extremely fortunate to have a husband that can make and income to let me do so.

And that said it really took me 10 years to get to this conclusion. So hang in there. There really is a reason you married this guy. And you will find your way back there.

My best to you.
C.

you have every right to feel fustrated. he needs to understand that you have been dealing with two sick kids this past week. may be he feels like the kids are getting attention from you and he is not. make a date night and see if you can send the kids off for the night with a relative or a friend. Make sure when you do send them off to take a nap so you are not tired and wear something extra nice for him. May be this way you would both feel excited and be able to focus on each other and not the kids. i hope this helps and if you need to talk any more email me at ____@____.com. D.

Men are wired differently than us women when it comes to sex. For a man, sexual release is a major stress reliever, it is for us women too but on a different level. Let him know that if he wants to relieve his sexual tension by masturbating, thats ok with you. Men just plain need it more and when they get it more there is a physiological change in their stress and they are more likely to respond to us better.

Try to find an hour where you and hubby are rested and alone and then talking about it will help. Tell him you understand his side too but you are feeling the same way. Come up with ideas on how to have more time together away from the business (I know this is hard, my hubby is self employed too)

See if there are any family members or friends who can help you a little with house cleaning or babysitting in barter for some favor or something you can give them.

Just remember, you are not alone!

S.,
I am not expert on this by far but have been through exactly what you are going through. This is an opinion take it or leave it.
Men feel rejected when we decline sex with them. That is how they think-point blank. They feel through sex what we feel through romance and feelings. Until you both except that, you will keep hitting a wall. I know all about doing household chores and paying bills and dealing with a sick child but your spouse is just as important too. Things do not have to be perfect and done all in one day. Sometimes the last thing we need or want is sex but they have needs as well and too many times we think well if I don't get what I need then he shouldn't get what he needs. That thinking is all wrong and causes havoc on marriages. I read a book called "Is that all he thinks about?" By Marla Taviano. It really opened up my though process and I realized how much I was doing and thinking the wrong way. Yes, your needs have to be met too and they will be.
Again, this comes from a woman who was in your shoes but not anymore.
Good luck!

i think men just dont get how much we do in a day...i have gone thru this off and on for 10 years ..the more my husband pushed me the less i had any feelings for anything intimate with him...for us i try to fit time in in the am before my kids get up b/c i am less tired but most of the time i felt it was because of other issues in our marriage..i threatened my husband to leave if he didnt improve his attitude..then i tried to be nicer to him and in turn he was nicer to me..then it wasnt so much of a chore..communication is the key..some times men are close minded and just dont get it..tell him your needs and hopefully he will eventually listen..

Wow! My sister-in-law and I have these exact same discussions. It sounds like a page out of my life. I understand what you are going through.

I think counseling would be a big help. If he won't go then consider going for yourself. You might seriously consider the advice about finding it in you to meet his needs. I've been given the same advice from others, including my SIL who is now separated from her husband. She didn't follow that advice and her husband became frustrated and had an affair. Anyway, I know it is difficult to do, especially if you allow yourself to think about how unfair it is that your needs aren't being met. Try not to think about that. More important than who makes the first step is putting your relationship back on a healthy track. You make the first step and see if your husband's attitude/behavior changes. It may not change overnight so give yourself a few chances. I have limited success with this because sometimes I am so pissed off at my husband's attitude that I can't see past it. On days that I am really tired, as soon as I put the kids to bed I tell him that if he needs some attention we need to take care of him now because I will be asleep in an hour. I notice a little bit of a difference in his behavior but like I said, this is still a work in progress for us. Good luck to you.

I think that is the smallest description of oneself that I have seen yet. It really doesn't tell a lot about you, it defines your responsibilities. Your husband and children. Sometimes I think that's best and I'm sure your husband isn't reading Mamma source, so you're safe. You really put a very personal and private issue out there and I hesitate to give an opinion. It sounds like your relationship is in trouble and I felt I would give a little heart to your situation. It's difficult to know when to give in and when to hold your ground. I pose you this question, do you love him? Does he love you? Do you feel bonded, partnered in a relationship not the business not the children; each other. Do you want this relationship or is it so one sided that he actually makes you not want the love making; and sex, well that's what it is when two people just want to get off. It happens more often than we know. Only you know the real solution look in your heart for what is best for you. Sincerely Pep

Your definetly not the only one to feel that way! Unless your hubby's a real hands on dad they don't really ever truely appreciate what it takes to run a household and raise (especially if they're little)kids. It's also normal to less of a sex drive after having a baby, more so if your nursing.

Wow, been there, still doing that! Men and women view sex differently. Men look at it as comforting, reaffirming, a wind down from the day, a necessity. Women think "Oh great, one more thing to do after a totally exhausting day!" I just read two books that can help you. My husband and I counseled through our Pastor. Regardless of your religious preference, I think this can help you and your husband both.
For Men Only, by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn
For Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhahn
If you'd like an immediate way to check it out, here are websites to use.
www.4-womenonly.com
www.formenonlybook.com
If and when you do read them, then switch books so you can get an idea of what things your husand has discovered. Of course every marriage is a constant work in progress. But these have helped us immensely. Praying for you as well! Chris

Hey there, S. -- I hear ya...
* There is a GREAT book out there "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, I strongly suggest, becuase the issue is never just about sex, it's how you both feel loved and appreciated between each other! This easy-read book is great about dissecting how we each feel and show our love language differently. I know many marriages that have turned around because this book changed the way they approached each other with their needs. Once these needs are met, sex lives are jumpstared again, but with a deeper sense of connection, intimacy, understanding.
* And something that works for my hubby and me - we have a 'meeting' once a week to go over our calendar ahead, review the past week and deal with anything else going on. I also take this time to be honest and tell him things like: I really felt alone when he hung out with all his guy friends at this party or next time both kids are this sick, I would like him to take a personal day off from work...etc. Asking out of the emotional moment and staying just factual at your 'meeting' keeps my husband less defensive and more receptive to my needs. And he does the same with me! That's worked for us... and we're 9 years and counting!
I hope things turn around for you both -
:)R.

I would definitely suggest to make sure that you have sex once a week, try to never go beyond having more than 2wks without intimacy. Once you start going beyond 2wks most women will learn to live without and men will only get more frustrated. It's amazing how much of a stress reduction there is for both sides if you do give in to your husband. Once he knows he's going to get some you may see a real change in your husbands attitude towards you during.
hth

Another thought too... my husband and I both feel less stressed and much more emotionally linked after having sex. So even if you don't feel like it, it just might help out with a lot of your issues that you both are currently dealing with (new business). On the flip side, some of what you write does concern me. If he is using sex to manipulate you then that is probably something that should be addressed between you two or professionally. Try opening the lines of communication about what you've noticed, maybe even after sex (he may be more willing to talk after sex). Good luck.

Wow! I feel your pain except my situation is a little different. We have 2 small kids, 2 and 1 and he will make references to how little we have sex but yet he falls asleep on the couch around 8:30 after the first child falls asleep and I'm up with the other child until she goes to sleep. I end up going to bed and he comes to bed much later after getting up off the couch and then he's up again before I wake up. I'm never in the mood for it anymore, I don't know if it's a hormone imbalance or the fact that we work together and are around each other too much or what so the lack of sex doesn't really bother me but even if it did, with our night schedule, I don't know how in the world we would work it in anyway. I've always heard that if a man wants to have sex with his wife at night, he better start romancing her in the morning. Sounds like your husband (okay, mine too!) isn't exactly doing that. I don't think men understand (or ever will) what a mother/wife goes through in any given day. I have had strep since last weekend and my husband pretty much spent the entire weekend watching the kids because I was worthless. I could sense the nerves wearing thin and he's used to taking a nap on the couch watching TV on the weekends and that definitely didn't happen so maybe he got a taste of what my weekends are like. He did laundry too, or started it, so I do have to give him credit for that. I guess I don't have a solution for your problem, but I do sympathize. I know the more they push the issue, the more we tend to buck it. Good luck with everything!

Girlfriend you are not alone!!!!
My soon to be ex-husband was the same way. I don't know if it is a "man" thing, but they seem to be able to have sex without feeling any emotional closeness. I too was feeling neglected and therefore didn't want to make love to him.

We tried marriage counsellng, but it didn't work. Eventually we got divorced because he went else where to get what I wasn't giving him.

I was suppossed to be helping! Not all men are alike and I'm not saying that your hubby will do the same...but I would suggest marriage counselling. It seems that he needs to learn to listen to you and empathize with what your day is like.

This is a very common experience between couples. There are several things going on here. Typically, part of this is a struggle for each person wanting to be right in the situation, which then can only mean the other person is wrong. And the battle of right/wrong will never end in positive resolution - it will simply go on and on. When I partner with couples/families as their coach, there is a fundamental tool that we spend a great deal of time on - accountability - the ability to account for the choices I have made or am making. Looking at choices from a neutral place - like rewinding a video film looking only at the "concrete" facts, not the emotions, assumptions, etc.

So, I ask, with all that you both have on your plates, where is your accountability for each of the items/tasks? Everything on your plates, you chose to have there. This may sound harsh - but think about it. There was a choice to have children, there was a choice to start a business, there is a choice around the home chores (excellently maintained home versus a perfect one, done by you or bring in help), etc. In looking at all of the things on each of your plates, are there things you can choose to remove to free up time and energy? With the things you choose to keep, can they be handled differently?

Another thing to consider when looking at your filled plates is whether those things align and support your family values or go against your family values. This first assumes that you and your husband have discussed exactly what your family values are, what they look like for your family, etc. This is another way to lessen the right/wrong arguments - as arguments become very different when the disagreement includes how the conflict aligns or not with your family values. So, if you both agree that you value family, and yet you have no time to be with each other as a family, outside of daily neccessity time (meals, dressing, baths, etc.), then what must change to get in alignment with your value of family?

My best to you!
G.

So, I'm now divorced & never had the issues you speak of...my ex never pushed for sex, maybe that's why I'm divorced :-)

What I learned was that we need to state, simply, what we need from our spouses (or anyone, actually). These fellas are tuned into a different radio frequency & it is what it is. The snipes I'm hearing you say your hubby is giving you is akin to him being further down the road in his feeling of neglect, or whatever. For those kinds of comments to be said, he's moved into the childish stage of "whatever is, is already a given & I'm pissed off" mode....given up, if you will. Make a date, set aside a time/day & let him know how very much you're looking forward to it. I always gave in to having sex (on those rare occasions that he wanted it) only to please him. The longer a woman, generally, goes without sex I think the less she wants it but men are the opposite, right..?

I agree with the other woman's comments about what men & women require....intimacy for sex & visa versa. Like I said, a different animal..! IF we really understand this, we can work it to our benefit! Also, & I don't say this because I'm a Massage Therapist, if you open up many of the relationship books, most will talk of giving massages to each other. Touch is a form of communication.....it's a way of breaking the ice & "talking" to the other. Remember, the HARDEST part of communication is LISTENING. Try & let go of what's going on in YOUR head when you hear his words......hear, not what's resounding in your head, but what he's trying to impart.

I remember sitting in a counselor's office when my marriage was at a really bad place. I'm talking about all the feeling stuff & the ex was sitting there like he wasn't hearing anything. The counselor asked what he was thinking. Lots of silence then, "I want to have sex with my wife". Like, HUH..?? I don't claim to have answers but I DO know that if the physical part of a relationship is misfiring, it comes from many things & it's precisely those many things that need to be addressed....sex lives are indicative of all else that is happening in our lives, both good & bad. Good luck with this!!

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