50 answers

Husband Angry When I Deny sex...HELP!!!

Lately I have been feeling very neglected and unappreciated by my husband. Granted, the past few days he has been putting in an EXTRAORDINARY amount of time with the business he just started (which by the way, I have a hand in running too). But just this week alone, I have been stuck at home with 1 sick kid, another kid who is miserable because she is teething, not to mention all of the household chores/duties that need to be tended to. So just last night, I tried talking to him about how I am feeling, and all he wanted to do was turn it around on how he feels...how tired he is...how neglected he is...how unappreciated he is. I feel like his every response to a "sexual suggestion" is always what I NEED to do for HIM. And whenever I mention that I have "needs" too, it always get pushed to the side or he changes the subject. I usually just end up walking away, because I have learned that arguing about it just isn't worth the time or energy.

For example, last night, I was so exhausted/tired/run down that I was falling asleep on the couch by 9:30. And of course the response I get from my husband (in an almost "hateful" tone) is "You are going to fall asleep! Why don't you just go up to bed!" So I knew right there, that the rest of this night would be turbulent. I ended up falling asleep on the couch, and by the time I went up to bed, he was laying there all pissed off. We layed in bed for a few minutes (I guess he was waiting to see if I initiated something), and when I didn't he got in a huff and went and slept on the couch the rest of the night. This isn't the first time...in fact, I have lost count on how many times he has gotten pissed at me because I am too tired, or just not in the mood to fool around or have sex.

I guess I just want to know that I am not the only woman who goes through this. And certainly any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance for your help ladies, and sorry for rambling on. I just needed to vent!

1 mom found this helpful

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Featured Answers

S.,

You are telling my story and I have to tell you this runs so much deeper than sex. I cannot stress to you enough that you two must seek some counseling - now - as this situation is just starting to develop. You are both feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated and resentful of each other. This can only fester with time. I wish I would have been give this advice - but I wasn't and we continued on until I woke up one day and realized that all of the love, respect and affection we had for each other was now replaced with apathy and anger and no desire to fix it. Life is very stressful - you need to get the skills and coping mechanisms to help you find a way to understand each others positions and support each other.

Best of Luck to you,

Henry

Hi S.,

After 15 years of marriage I finally got my husband to realize that the best forplay is when he cleans up the kitchen after dinner. It pays off because at 10:00 I'm a little less tired and willing (happy) to have sex.

I think women are more willing to have sex if they feel their partner is not taking them for granted and is willing to chip in with the household/family duties.

Good luck!!
H.

More Answers

Sometimes I feel like I could have sex once a year and be o.k. yet once we get started, I really enjoy myself. Your absolutely right that when you are exhausted both mentally and physically sex is the last thing that enters your mind. My husband, like yours, feels neglected and dejected from this as well. I spoke to a person at our church who is a friend as well as a marriage counseler just to vent and what she told me surprised me. She said that in a happy marriage, women want to be loved and men want to be respected. In men's minds, respect is thanking them for providing income for their family and having sex frequently. Men require more sex than we do. She essentially told me that by having sex more often (I hate to say "force" yourself but it is what it is) you'll have a very happy man who in turn becomes much more loving towards you. I thought I was giving up my "self" by doing this but I gave it a go. WOW!! My husband responded like I couldn't believe! I write him little notes in his lunch to thank him for being a good provider and I initiate sex much more often. When he is in the mood I try to always give in. It is difficult sometimes but honestly if your marriage is not happy...your kids suffer the most so do it for the kids! I have also found that I have more sexual energy in the morning so I try and get him to do it then...before anyone wakes up. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

Hi S.!

You are not alone. Most any married woman goes through it. But I will pass on this to you. Marriage is work, sex and all. I understand your tired but maybe if you set aside time for just your husband and you after the kids are in bed things wont be so bad. He needs you too. I know how you feel. I also know that all the advice you'll get you may foofoo. But remember this.... your husband is your BIGGEST child. You cant forget him. I do know from personal experience that if you take care of him (like you promised to) then he will take care of you. Marriage is a give and take. I also know that it can be very hard especially if one or both are tired and/or angry. But love and let go. Search your heart and try to remember what you love about him. What first attracted you to him. I know thats hard too but it helps. I hope things start to go well for you before too long. Good Luck!!!!

1 mom found this helpful

Dear S.,

This is a struggle I've been having throughout most of my 13 1/2 year marriage. My husband also feels angry and hurt and rejected when I deny sex. He seems to always approach me in the kitchen when I'm busy, and it's next to impossible to conjure up feelings of intimacy. I've learned over the years that he needs sex just as I need to talk out my hopes and dreams with him, but talking about why I don't want to have sex at the times he is ready to, is next to impossible. So, for the past few months, I've made a point to either approach him on a Saturday or Sunday, when the kids(ages 5, 9, and 11) are occupied, or I'll hint to him ahead of time that I'm planning for a time to be intimate with him after the kids are occupied, and he likes the fact that I'm thinking about him.

Like you, I tried to explain myself and defend myself to my husband, after he'd suggest sex, and it only turned into an extremely frustrating and heated conversation or all-out fight. From that, I learned not to talk about it at that particular time, but to find a better time when we're both relaxed and getting along. However, even finding a time like that has become impossible, because I just hate talking about it with him, because of his reactions. His reactions are always very defensive, and he responds in a way that makes me feel there's something wrong with me that I don't always want sex like him. So, I've pretty much avoided talking about it with him, because he doesn't try very hard to understand me, as a woman. And that's his problem. I've stopped letting him make me think there's something wrong with me. I've had to train my mind not to believe there's something wrong with me, and talking to other moms who feel the same way, plus praying without stopping, has helped me a lot. It has also helped me to realize I can't own my husband's anger. If he's going to be mad at me about something I've really thought through and am trying my best, then he's just going to have to be mad. I can take it now, and I know for a fact the anger won't last too long - usually he's not angry an hour later.

I realize I sound a little crazy here, not being able to talk freely about this with my husband, but it's the best way for me. It may not be the best way for you - you'll have to be the judge of that. No two couples are the same, and rarely do a husband and wife think the same way on every situation in marriage. It's important for us, women, to sort of research and understand for ourselves, how men think, in order to protect ourselves, even though the thought may not even cross our husbands' minds to research how women think. Some men are willing to attend marriage conferences or retreats that include the subject of sex. Is this a possibility for you? I know that childcare would be needed, not to mention a husband who is willing to attend, and face the dreaded "unknown!"

I have realized how selfish and impatient my husband's father was when my husband was young. This contributes to my husband's behavior, and helps me be more patient. However, I also realize it can't be a constant excuse for him, and he should have faced this issue and dealt with it. Again, though, I can't force him to face his past issues, but I CAN pray! There are a lot of things to think about here, and it hasn't seemed fair that I seem to be the one doing all the thinking. But look at this as an experience that you'll be able to help someone else through. Even if you continue to struggle with it, you can still share your understanding and empathize with other younger moms, and help them feel NORMAL when their spouses are making them feel CRAZY!

Sincerely,
C. Phillips

1 mom found this helpful

Hey S.!

I do understand! I'm a mom of a 4 year old and a 6 month old. I've been so fatigued and tired that I went to the doctor to have my thyroid checked 'cause I was sure there was something wrong, but nope, it's just from being a mommy of two, a wife, a homekeeper, etc, etc,. I can surely tell you that I am rarely in the mood anymore and I struggle with the same issues. But the one thing I have learned from previous marriage counseling and conversations with my husband is this...I feel loved by my husband when my needs are met by being nutured, hugged, appreciated for the amount I do with the kids or a comment on how nice the house looks and especially when he comes in and HELPS with something in the house like the dishes or bathtime etc. When he does those little things for me I feel so loved that even when I'm exhausted I want to meet his need. Trust me I am not always in the mood and occasionally once we get started the stress of my day does melt away and sometimes I say let's just do a quickie!

What my husband has told me is that the way he feels loved and appreciated and is motivated enough to meet my nuturing needs is to have sex. He needs his sexual release in order to feel close and loving. So it can turn in to this viscious cycle of not meeting each others needs because we are too tired and they are too angry.

Ok, I said all that to say, although it frustrates me sometimes, I have to understand that men and women are wired differently and they tend to access their nuturing side if they have sexual release, so it requires a bigger act of selflessness on our part to try and turn the cycle around. But, I think if you can muster enough energy to initiate a few times, and make him feel really special for all the hard work he is doing with the new business and acknowledge all those things, then hopefully he will be able to give back to you in the ways you need and be more in tuned with your daily stresses. Love for your spouse isn't a magical feeling you just always wake up with, sometimes it's a choice we deliberately make every morning when we turn over and see them lying there. Sometimes we have to choose to love that person we married and sometimes we have our hearts full of the warm fuzzies and marital bliss! But I really believe love is an action and not a feeling.

I know some would say it's just you giving in to his demands, but If you can look at it as a action step for getting what you want and desire I think things might get better, or I pray that they do. Sometimes we have to be the peacemaker in the relationship. I hope this helps a little. Blessings from one frazzled mommy to another!

1 mom found this helpful

S.,
Your husband is being very selfish, not to mention childish. Yes, you both are very busy and you both have needs, the first of which should be to listen to one another, not just you listening to him. If he wants to take his pillow and blanket and go and sleep on the couch, so be it. I know it is probably upsetting but honestly, do you want to have sex with your husband just so he wont be mad? That would be a terrible life. My advice is this: Talk with him about the situation and explain that you are tired, that doesnt mean you still dont find him attractive and whatnot, it just means your tired. Does he have to have sex every night? If so then he needs to find someone else if that is not how you work. Men can have sex if they are mad, sad, happy, whatever. We women on the other hand need motivated and need to be in the mood, we arent like men. So take all of that and add EXTREME TIREDNESS on top of it....NO WAY! So talk with him about it and if he still doesnt get it, have him buy a pull out sofa bed. And as far as you are concerned, close your eyes at night and sleep soundly, you did NOTHING wrong.
Sincerely,
C. S.

1 mom found this helpful

I would talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel....It sounds like he needs to grow up a bit.

I understand your feelings. It seems as if you are both stressed. Marriage is not a competition, but it may be in your husband's background that he has to "one up" you whenever you try to explain your feelings. I don't understand why men don't realize "foreplay" starts at the beginning of the day. If a man makes his wife feel appreciated, loved and cared for all day long, she will much more often "be in the mood" at night. In a quiet, calm, loving way you might try to convey this to him.

S.,

You are telling my story and I have to tell you this runs so much deeper than sex. I cannot stress to you enough that you two must seek some counseling - now - as this situation is just starting to develop. You are both feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated and resentful of each other. This can only fester with time. I wish I would have been give this advice - but I wasn't and we continued on until I woke up one day and realized that all of the love, respect and affection we had for each other was now replaced with apathy and anger and no desire to fix it. Life is very stressful - you need to get the skills and coping mechanisms to help you find a way to understand each others positions and support each other.

Best of Luck to you,

Henry

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