Marriage Failing -- Book Suggestion

Their is a series called, "Getting the Love You Want" then the next book is called, "Keeping the Love You Have" which may be most appropriate as you are already married. It is written by Harvil Hendricks (sp?). It is pretty decent and I don't recall any religious undertones.

I was looking for books a few years back and also picked up The Five Love Languages. But what I found more helpful, at least to me, was stumbleding upon Alisa Bowman and I have found her website/blogs to be very helpful. She also has a very funny book that tells how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love. I find her very realistic (marriage is not romance and roses everyday!) and humorous and she gets me to think about situations from different perspectives...

http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/

Melissa:

Sometimes it's not a book that will help you - but TALKING. Learning to talk to each other in a respectful manner. Learning to LISTEN and not accuse and be defensive.

Figure out what your priorities are - write down what you love about him and what you don't like about him. Where you want to be in 1 month, six months, 1 year, 5 years, etc.

Have him to do the same.

Compare your lists and find out where you differ and where you are on the same page. Are there compromises that can be made?

Find a therapist that will help you two communicate again. Find out what brought you two together. Do you know where and when it started disintegrating? If so - talk about it.

I know many have suggested the movie - Fireproof. I will be honest - I've not seen the movie yet but ANYONE who I have heard that has seen it - said it gave them a wake up call about their marriage.

If I had more information, I might be able to offer more advice. Feel free to PM me.

Just a thought: I read somewhere or heard it somewhere or...you get the idea, that starting a journal for the day with BOTH of you can help.

The way it worked is that every day you have to write down something GOOD about the other person or why you love them.

The woman in the interview/article stated that after 30 plus years of marriage it was hard sometimes to come up with something good her husband did, especially when he continually forgot she was even there, but they'd read it to each other before bed.

That's always stuck with me, especially when I'm having a moment where NOTHING he does is right. I try and remember that couple, and think of the good things this person is/does.

Not a book but may help.

Sending nothing but good thoughts your way.

Besides what Cheryl O said I would read "The 5 Love Languages" to help you understand how you both show your love.

Depends on your issues. I am not particularly religious, and I was able to ignore the scriptural references and look to the message while reading http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/love-respect-emerson-egge.... It is a good one to get the ball rolling. You might also want to check out http://www.soulfulliving.com/love_you_want.htm. My husband didn't read it with me, but I really enjoyed it.

Good luck to you.

Are you a SAHM? I'm not but heard many people on here suggest "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schessinger and one day I saw it at Goodwill for $1.99 so I picked it up. I'm a newlywed so my hubby and I are not having "problems" but I'm all about self help and like to read books when I can. I have to say, although I don't agree with it 100%, it does give some good insight on men and the family dinamics and how it can work better. I did make a few changes as suggested in the book and noticed a difference in how hubby treated me. So give it a try. Good luck!

This may sound silly but a classic book that is helpful - not just in marriage but in everyday life - is Men are from Mars,Women are from Venus. We often don't realize how often we use words that can be so destructive in a relationship, like "You always," or "You never." There are a lot of sterotypes but if you read it and take away the core ideas, it can be really beneficial. The book teaches you how to write down what you are feeling, how to communicate with effective words and also how to empathize, an invaluable tool in any relationship. If we can understand how our spouse is feeling, it will help us to understand the conflicts that we have and our role in the conflict. It's a great read and a classic. Oh and I second the book The Five Love Languages. That is great too. It helps you to understand how each of you require love to be shown (i.e.: verbally, physically, etc). Good luck!

Does he want the marriage to work as well? I know that communication is hard. We are wire differently and think differently. I can say something in 2 sentences that can take my wife 10. I tell her - buffer overload - she gets it. She doesn't always like it - but she gets it. I'm telling her - you've lost me.

It also depends upon the reasons for the marriage failing. If he's working all the time and your home with the kids, the time spent together is few and far between and that ends up putting a strain on the relationship.

Date nights. TALKING!! My wife and I had a REALLY rough time when I became a SAHD - adult conversation and I didn't have a routine - we're getting into our groove...take time for each other when the kids are in bed. Make a designated family night and do things together.

His Needs, Her needs was great for my husband and I (we were religious then, but are not now and I don't recall whether or not the book is religious). The book encouraged us to stay in love the way we fell in love -- by having fun together and courting each other. You fall in love with who you have an enjoyable time with. So, at the book's suggestion, we each made a long list of things we enjoy doing and chose a few of the common activities. The best thing that came of it was we joined a co-ed soccer team together and have played for years. It has been awesome and bonding. And we do dates with just the two of us on a regular basis.

A blog for you, What Women Never Hear [http://wwnh.wordpress.com].

honestly, i doubt there are any magic bullet books out there, especially not the religious ones for non-religious people. the love dare and fireproof are all about solving your problems through god, and if you're not a christian it just doesn't apply.
therapy ain't cheap but nor is divorce. we were fortunate enough to get an excellent one first time out and she patched us up quickly and efficiently.
most marriages suffer from lack of effective communication. the 5 love languages might help, but books like 'messages', 'talk like a winner' and 'communications for couples' might well work better yet. once you both feel heard, it's easier to work out solutions.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Hi, Melissa:

Are you the one who is unhappy, your husband or both of you?

What do you need? What does your husband need?

Get to the source of what you both need.
Once you discover what the needs are both can do somethiing about it.
Let me know how that works and I'll give you the second step.

Thanks for asking.
Good luck.
D.

There is a book called the 5 Love Languages (or something like that) that might help. It basically dissects the 5 major ways people communicate their love to each other. Don't know what your situation is, but any thing that can help you and your mate communicate better should help the 2 of you sort out your situation.

I'm not sure if it's 'heavily religious,' but 'The Five Love Languages' by Gary Chapman is awesome...it really shows a lot of insight as to how you view each other and how to fulfill your spouse, etc. One that is heavily religious, but also good, is 'The Power of a Praying Wife.' You may want to check into it just for a different perspective. Also, 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus' is a great book for understanding the opposite sex and maybe where the other person is coming from....Also - if he is willing to read a book with you, would he be willing to go to a counselor? That would help a lot....
PS - I just read through the list and saw so many other people suggested the 5 LLs! And one person even said Men are from Mars....lol. It must really help! :)

This isn't a book so much as a system...and you can start off with a free newsletter that can give you and your husband some helpful tips. It is called Marriage Max by Mort Fertel : http://www.MortFertel.com/cmd.asp?af=737893. I hope this works for you!

I have two suggestions for you; first, "Getting the Love You Want" A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix, PhD and "The Five Love Languages" How to Express Heartfelt Committment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman....both are New York Times bestsellers. The Love Language book is awesome cause it helps you figure out what your mates' particular need is so you can fulfill it....and vice versa! Good luck!

Fitfee21

Love and respect by Emerson eggers. It is from a religious perspective but more than that it speaks to the differences in men and women and what drives us both in a relationship. Men want respect and women want love. I didn't necessarily agree with everything he said but I think its worthwhile.

I'm currently reading/listening to The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. Its not at all religious and is based on science and lots of practical scientific studies of relationships over decades. You can get it on Audible.com or I think even iTunes which might be more helpful for the husband that doesn't like to read. There are lots of exercises which are difficult to do when listening, but you get the point of where he is going with these exercises. My suggestion would be to get the book and the audio. It's much less expensive than counseling or divorce!
http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Wo...

p.s. I agree Five Love Languages is also a good book. I think the John Gottman book is just better.

The Five Languages of Love is supposed to be really good. It has been recommended to me by several people. I just bought it, but haven't started reading it yet.

My husband and I were in counseling and we loved The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman (I think that's the author). If you really listen to what it says it works wonders.

Try "The 5 Love Languages". Hope it helps. Good luck!

You can check out the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.