Hubby Troubles

My husband doesn't do anything. I even cut the grass. I gave up long ago. We don't have kids so I don't have to do that to. I am just looking for another job and I told him I was only going to work part time.
I think you should get a maid. If you make just as much as he does and have to do everything else than you should get one and if he doesn't like it then he can start helping.

A.

Wow, its like I'm looking in a mirror. I wish I had some advice for you but I really don't. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I'm in the same boat. I will continue to look at this and maybe I'll get some answers too! Good Luck!

I couldn't put up with all of that. This isnt a marriage when only one person is putting in the effort. If you can live like that then more power to you. The only thing I can suggest is to have fun WITHOUT him. You and the kids go to dinner, movies, waterparks, mall. And make sure you are looking real good too. One day he might just have to join in the fun & actually like it.

I don't know what to advise for the social issues, but since you both work full time, he needs to do 50 percent of the housework and childcare. Show him this message. Tell him it is not acceptable for you to do more than half of the work. There are plenty of men out there who are willing to do their fair share - he needs to know this, and maybe he will appreciate how much you do and realize what he's got. Best of luck. Hmmm, maybe you should have a party or have friends or family over for dinner. Just do it. You say he doesn't like people invited over unless it is HIS idea or his friends, well who made HIM the boss? How about you turn the tables on him and make it YOUR idea. If he doesn't like it, too bad. You spend enough of YOUR life not liking HIS social decisions, he can have a taste of that too. He needs to compromise. Throw a party, invite friends over, do it on a regular basis. That's what people do. Especially having your family over. Don't ASK him, tell him you are going to do it. He's not in charge - your wishes and needs need to be accomodated too and if you don't stand up for yourself he certainly isn't going to do it for you. Also, he needs to know that the best tool of effective parenting is consistency from both parents. That includes discipline too. If he lets them get away with everything then they will not respect your rules because they know Daddy will let them do it, etc. Good luck.

Have you read The Five Love Languages? Its an easy read to figure out how your spouse is showing love for you. As for socializing, are you both hanging out with people you actually like? Maybe he doesn't like who you socialize with or what you are doing. As for house work...let it all pile up :) LOL. Seems like you need to talk and he needs to listen. When he realizes how tired and run down you get, maybe he'll step up.

I stayed home with my first and some with my second. When I went to work full time, I did it with the understanding that I was filing for a divorce upon getting a good paying job that would support me and my kids without my husband. Why? Well, he wasn't helping me, didn't respect me, etc....I'm not sure if this is really what changed him or not. But, I think we both had to change in order to really change things for the better. I had to take on the attitude that I didn't really need him to get by. I am an independent person and can certainly do everything myself - without his help. I think men, really want to feel like you need them. By not doing anything, he is getting you to voice those needs, and he feeds off of it. From what I can tell - he doesn't respect you and he is taking advantage of you. Hire a cleaning service !!!! Money talks :) He'll probably tell you to cancel it, at which point he can compromise with you to do some chores. Good Luck :)

He aparently does not realize how much you do. A bit of counseling for both would be helpful. He may refuse to go but I suggest you go. If anything, to help you deal with such an ungrateful and uncaring and SELFISH individual. I'm with you sister and my heart breaks for you.

My only suggestion is for you and your kids to ENJOY LIFE to the fullest!

Keep us informed of your decisions. Good luck.

I do not want to sound judgemental but I think your husband is more selfish than non-social. You say he loves your children. How do you know? What are the indicators? He does not discipline them nor does he help you with them. Love is action. If the both of you don't get any help (counseling, etc) then you will become more frustrated and you will begin to resent him because it is very unfair that you work and contribute to the household financially just as he does and you still have to do EVERYTHING when you get home. I could not imagine if my husband did not help me out around the house and would not socialize with my friends, family, etc. I hope things work out for you but please get some help.

This may sound cruel, but 'you know he loves you, but he wouldn't walk 3 steps for you'? I would guess from your description, that there is no chance of getting him to go to therapy? If he gets defensive and acuses you of being hormonal, it sounds as if he is totally disconnected from things. Another thing when people try to turn things around to put the problem back on someone else, they are in denial of their part in the problem and tearing other people down is also a way some people try to build themselves up due to an inferiority complex. This is mostly jumping all over the place, but your story triggered so many buttons in me that I couldn't keep from pouring it all out. I managed to hold it together for 16 years, but the glue wasn't strong enough when it was all on one side. Hope you can get help and sort things out.

Whether or not he intends to hurt you, he is, and he doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. Assuming he won't go to counseling, I think you should, just to clarify your thinking and feeling about his behavior.

First let me say that a man, at a younger age, thinks that certain things are women's work. Sorry to say I was one of them.
It sounds like he is an introvert and this is probably part of his growing up.
Sorry that he cannot enjoy taking you out for a meal occasionally.
Could it be that he is a mama's boy?
I really wish I knew a way that I could get him to realize that later on in life he will regret not being as close to his wife and children as he is to his mother. I am in no way saying that he should not be close to his mother, what I am saying it would be great if he was able to show you and the children the same.
I always said Lord if there is such a thing as reincarnation please do not bring me back as a housewife. He granted this wish to me, but he let me know what it is to be a housewife. I am now my wife's care giver and I now do some houswork. He has shown me what I should have known 45 years ago. It only makes me love her all the more for what she had done for me all these years.
God Bless

He may "love" you, but along with love comes respect, and he is not showing you any.

It's not too much for you to ask for him to go out with you, just the two of you once in a while for dinner and a movie. Unless your family are a bunch of insufferable idiots, it'snot too much to ask for him to spend an hour once in a while making small talk with them over a cup of coffee.

The kids are his too, and he needs to man up and take responsibility for some of their care and upbringing.

He walks on the floors, he should mop them some of the time. He eats, he should cook and wash dishes some of the time. He uses the toilet and tub, he should scrub the bathrooms some of the time.

Personally, I could not live with a man who behaved that way. I would be to the point of telling him that if I'm going to be doing all the work of a single parent, I'd just as soon BE a single parent. But that's just me.

Would he go to marriage counseling? If not, would you go yourself? It may be enlightening to you. My DH and I have many unresolved issues that festered over the years. It wasn't until our marriage was on the verge of a divorce that we began seriously working on those unresolved issues. I hope it works out for you. It sounds like Step 1 is to get him to listen to you. Perhaps there are even things that are bothering him, too, that you don't know about. When a DH feels their needs are being met, they can become a whole new person. It was VERY hard for me to admit this and to even want to do things for him but it has truly helped. God bless you both and your marriage!

Well this will seem like a very simplistic answer for such a complex issue but I'd say "pour on the love" to him and really appreciate him for the qualities he does have that you admire and try (I know it's hard) to hold your tongue when something frustrates you... at least for a while.

He may come around but he may not. In either case, it's not up to you to "change" him. Just love him and appreciate him for who he is - over and above the norm. Heap it on!

That said, occasionally you might have to "let the consequences happen" once in a while too. Sometimes we women are eager to jump in and make it all right and we help to perpetuate the problem and the men don't feel the need to lead or take initiative.

Like I said, simplistic answer - and I don't want to minimize the yuck you're feeling. Just wanted to share what helped with us.

You say he would do anything for his parents so he seems to recognize that action is required when you care about someone else. You need to have a very serious conversation with him and let him know that even as much as you love him, it's not enough. I'm definitely one who encourages folks to work out their issues and stay married if at all possible. I've been married 23 years to my one and only husband - we've had several hurdles but our love for each other and willingness to work out our differences, made it possible. Would NOT have happened if both of us weren't willing. It is very important that your children see a loving, peaceful relationship. If he loves you enough, he'll do anything to keep you and his family together. Ask him if he does.

Do you think that he might have low self esteem?

I recommend reading Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness book....it is not long and it is fantastic. I had to order my copy but, it did not take maybe two days. I read it in two days too. You can check out his website as well.

What happens when you're sick? That happened to me years ago. I did everything, got sick and had to go into the hospital which left him to deal with everything. Boy, did he get a wake up call! It made him realize everything I do and it all changed when I came home. He started helping more. He had no idea what size clothes the kids wore, where I put the kids lunch boxes or even how to pay the bills. He learned how to wash clothes, mop the floor several times after he realized he had to add water to the solution! He found that out the hard way! Maybe if you just let him know that you are really tired and would really appreciate it if he gave the kids a bath tonight or maybe do the dishes or anything that might help you. Maybe tell him about my experience and ask what would he'd do in the same situation. I wouldn't nag him, just ask nicely and be sure to thank him afterwards to let him know that you really appreciate him helping you. Maybe then he'll do it more often. Sometimes you have to look at it from his side. Trust me, I'm not siding with him, I totally understand where you're coming from! Men are just so selfish sometimes that they may not really realize how much you actually do until they have to do it! If you ever get him off his rump, maybe he'll start appreciating YOU more! I wish the best of luck to you both. Hope this helps! T.

All I can say is "you poor thing!"

All of the advice is good. Ask yourself, "Am I better off with him or without him?" You could give him an ultimatum that you are leaving him if he refuses to go to counseling with you. But, don't do this unless you mean it and are willing to follow through. This isn't a marriage, it is you giving it all and getting very little to nothing back in return!